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(Topless Robot)   Ten atrocious DOS game covers featuring celebrities whose appearance on the cover art did little to make things better   (toplessrobot.com ) divider line
    More: Silly, l.a. riots, space bars, Carl Lewis, roughed up, Babbage, art  
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7898 clicks; posted to Geek » on 14 Sep 2012 at 3:09 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-09-14 11:24:35 AM  
So getting Shatner might not have been a coup, exactly, but a videogame about his Tek War series makes perfect sense. My real complaint is that unless the floating head of William Shatner (see what I did there?) appears prominently in the game, the cover is kind of a joke. That's the only thing it really has going for it, so much so that they invoke Shatner's name three times on the cover alone. What I'm saying is that this game is promising too much Shatner.

That probably has more to do with Shatner being a raving egomaniac than it does with anybody promising the game will have anything to do with him.
 
2012-09-14 11:37:30 AM  
Chuck Yeager's Air Combat?

Chuck Yeager's Air Combat was awesome.

Also, -1 for not even bothering to show screenshots.
 
2012-09-14 11:40:12 AM  
www.emptythebench.com

"It's a great game...."
 
2012-09-14 11:43:07 AM  

impaler: Also, -1 for not even bothering to show screenshots.


Seconded.
 
2012-09-14 11:44:01 AM  
3) Daryl F. Gates Police Quest

nbchardballtalk.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-09-14 11:54:16 AM  

DanZero: [www.emptythebench.com image 285x298]

"It's a great game...."


Came for this.

/you have selected 'power drive'
 
2012-09-14 11:57:53 AM  
Not a cover, but did anybody else grow up with redheaded, jaundiced Vanna White?

www.penguinpetes.com
 
2012-09-14 12:03:41 PM  

The My Little Pony Killer: Not a cover, but did anybody else grow up with redheaded, jaundiced Vanna White?

[www.penguinpetes.com image 640x400]


CGA. God that sucked.
 
2012-09-14 12:08:44 PM  

impaler: The My Little Pony Killer: Not a cover, but did anybody else grow up with redheaded, jaundiced Vanna White?

[www.penguinpetes.com image 640x400]

CGA. God that sucked.


You don't find her moldy sack dress sexually attractive?
 
2012-09-14 12:09:30 PM  
Daryl F. Gates Police Quest: Open Season looks like fun. If I'm not mistaken, in this scene you get to torch a perp with a lighter and an aerosol can.

www.myabandonware.com
 
2012-09-14 12:09:41 PM  

The My Little Pony Killer: Not a cover, but did anybody else grow up with redheaded, jaundiced Vanna White?

[www.penguinpetes.com image 640x400]


WHORE EAGLES DERP?
 
2012-09-14 12:21:51 PM  

The My Little Pony Killer: Not a cover, but did anybody else grow up with redheaded, jaundiced Vanna White?

[www.penguinpetes.com image 640x400]


Those Sharedata DOS gameshow games were great. 4-color CGA, PC speaker sound effects, but they were all pretty true to the real thing.

I liked Family Feud.
 
2012-09-14 12:42:39 PM  

Sybarite: Daryl F. Gates Police Quest: Open Season looks like fun. If I'm not mistaken, in this scene you get to torch a perp with a lighter and an aerosol can.

[www.myabandonware.com image 320x200]


Does the bottom of the screen say "Policequest" and nothing else throughout the whole game? Like you might just forget which game you're playing?
 
2012-09-14 12:53:40 PM  
And why Omar Sharif? Was he getting so few sponsorship opportunities that when Interplay came knocking he immediately signed his name?

No, you chucklefark, it's because he's a widely-known master of the game who actually writes some of those bridge columns you were just talking about.


Chuck Yeager is known primarily as being the test pilot who broke the sound barrier -- not as a bloodthirsty destroyer of Axis warplanes (although he did fly in WWII).

FUN FACT: Yeager is well-known for having made the Luftwaffe his personal biatch, and it led to his career as a test pilot in the first place. He once got five confirmed kills in a single day.
 
2012-09-14 01:00:15 PM  
I like the tag line for Police Quest..."Crawl inside the mind of a serial killer...Darryl F. Gates, Police Quest". I knew Darryl was a dick but I didn't know he was a serial killer.
 
2012-09-14 01:36:25 PM  

BKITU: Chuck Yeager is known primarily as being the test pilot who broke the sound barrier -- not as a bloodthirsty destroyer of Axis warplanes (although he did fly in WWII).

FUN FACT: Yeager is well-known for having made the Luftwaffe his personal biatch, and it led to his career as a test pilot in the first place. He once got five confirmed kills in a single day.


Wow. I should have actually read his screed more closely. If that guy actually played CYAC, I doubt he would brush off Yeager's involvement in WWII as simply "he did fly in WWII."
 
2012-09-14 02:03:04 PM  

BKITU: And why Omar Sharif? Was he getting so few sponsorship opportunities that when Interplay came knocking he immediately signed his name?

No, you chucklefark, it's because he's a widely-known master of the game who actually writes some of those bridge columns you were just talking about.


Chuck Yeager is known primarily as being the test pilot who broke the sound barrier -- not as a bloodthirsty destroyer of Axis warplanes (although he did fly in WWII).

FUN FACT: Yeager is well-known for having made the Luftwaffe his personal biatch, and it led to his career as a test pilot in the first place. He once got five confirmed kills in a single day.


Hopefully he could pull of a yeager loop better than nova squadron
 
2012-09-14 02:24:54 PM  

Dead for Tax Reasons: Hopefully he could pull of a yeager loop better than nova squadron


NERD!
 
2012-09-14 02:26:52 PM  

DanZero: The My Little Pony Killer: Not a cover, but did anybody else grow up with redheaded, jaundiced Vanna White?

[www.penguinpetes.com image 640x400]

Those Sharedata DOS gameshow games were great. 4-color CGA, PC speaker sound effects, but they were all pretty true to the real thing.

I liked Family Feud.


Almost all of them were on the C64 as well.

Really, there were a LOT of Game Show games created back then... some games shows that barely latest even 6 months got a computer version:
$100,000 Pyramid
Wheel of Fortune
Family Feud
Jeopardy!
High Rollers
Card Sharks
Price is Right
Blockbusters
Krypton Factor
Classic Concentration
Super Password
Hollywood Squares
Double Dare
Remote Control
Press Your Luck
Wipeout!
Now You See It
Win, Lose or Draw
Talk About
 
2012-09-14 03:11:36 PM  
The kids have to learn about Tek War sometime.
 
2012-09-14 03:14:19 PM  
I had no idea who Daryl F. Gates was the first time I saw that cover. I just assumed he was a crime author. Anyway, after doing a touch of research, I decided it was probably a bad idea to be associated with that game.
 
2012-09-14 03:26:45 PM  
Man. Buzz Aldrin's Race into Space is insanely hard.

Everything has a 50% chance of failure or more. Every launch is a crapshoot, and there is no way to really mitigate the fact that the random number generator can screw you completely in a millisecond.

It's probably very realistic in terms of how safe those rockets were, but it's not good gameplay

"alright, I've done everything correct this time!" *clicks launch*

"The random number generator says everyone died. game over."
 
2012-09-14 03:36:15 PM  
Police Quest and The Horde were awesome games! I wouldn't call them failures either Police Quest spawned an entire series and The Horde... okay maybe The Horde didn't do quite as well but it was still a good game.
 
2012-09-14 03:43:49 PM  
Air combat was awesome!!!!
 
2012-09-14 03:44:31 PM  
I'd like to solve the puzzle....

Where....
Eagles...
Dare....

Also, Omar Sharif is an accomplished bridge player.

Knowing is half the battle.
 
2012-09-14 04:02:40 PM  
Oh my god, Wheel of Fortune! I had forgotten how often i wasted time on that one.
 
2012-09-14 04:03:58 PM  
The Horde really wasn't a bad game. Buggy and poorly marketed, yes, but it was fun.
 
2012-09-14 04:10:52 PM  
I hated wheel of fortune.

Jeopardy was awesome though. As was Lode Runner.
 
2012-09-14 04:22:28 PM  

impaler: Chuck Yeager's Air Combat?

Chuck Yeager's Air Combat was awesome.


Indeed. CYAC was easily one of the best combat flight sims of its time. I played the crap out of that game.

The writing makes it pretty clear that the author never so much as played the game.
 
2012-09-14 04:31:26 PM  

RTOGUY: I wouldn't call them failures either Police Quest spawned an entire series and The Horde... okay maybe The Horde didn't do quite as well but it was still a good game.


FYI: Police Quest Open Season was the fourth in the series. It was Daryl F. Gates' Police Quest: SWAT that spawned the SWAT series. Totally different game, and definitely a shiat FMV game.
 
2012-09-14 04:46:12 PM  
Ha, I learned to play bridge from the Omar Sharif game.
 
2012-09-14 04:47:51 PM  

Thrag: impaler: ***snip***

The writing makes it pretty clear that the author never so much as played the game.


Could it be because the article is about the box covers and the fact that the celebrities on them look out of place, creepy, etc, rather than the games themselves?
 
2012-09-14 04:56:49 PM  
Why wouldn't Shatner be on the Tek War packaging? He had the Tek War books and narrated (commercial break announces) the TV show of same name based on his Tek War books.
 
2012-09-14 05:16:45 PM  

Artemus_Hackwell: Why wouldn't Shatner be on the Tek War packaging? He had the Tek War books and narrated (commercial break announces) the TV show of same name based on his Tek War books.


cue 'that's the joke.jpg' 

Ron Goulart wrote Tekwar for Shatner.
 
2012-09-14 05:25:53 PM  
The Horde was an awesome game. I had it on 3DO though so I never had to deal with the bugs.
 
2012-09-14 05:40:17 PM  
Chuck Yeager is known primarily as being the test pilot who broke the sound barrier -- not as a bloodthirsty destroyer of Axis warplanes (although he did fly in WWII).

Bullsh*t. Chuck Yeager was a farking air combat legend. He also served over Vietnam. Author needs to pick up a farking book.
 
2012-09-14 06:54:57 PM  
Allan Border was an unappealing celebrity was he?
FFS.
Outside the US (gasp, is there such a thing?) in cricket playing nations Border was bigger than God.
 
2012-09-14 06:58:15 PM  

Mugato: WHORE EAGLES DERP?


THIRD BUGLES DIRK
 
2012-09-14 07:14:30 PM  
I don't recall the name of it but there was a PC game (I think it was PC anyway) that tried to create a hybrid movie/computer game. I recall the cover involved a sexy plumber and mentioned some sort of sleep over/ slumber party. It had some element of titillation and women in various states of undress engaged in social rivalries or something. Anyway it failed and the lesson is that women who get involved with slumber parties are trouble waiting to happen. I guess.
 
2012-09-14 07:17:14 PM  

fluffy2097: Man. Buzz Aldrin's Race into Space is insanely hard.

Everything has a 50% chance of failure or more. Every launch is a crapshoot, and there is no way to really mitigate the fact that the random number generator can screw you completely in a millisecond.

It's probably very realistic in terms of how safe those rockets were, but it's not good gameplay

"alright, I've done everything correct this time!" *clicks launch*

"The random number generator says everyone died. game over."


Games back in the day were about simulation, not wish fulfillment or empowering fantasies.
 
2012-09-14 07:42:47 PM  

Fano: fluffy2097: Man. Buzz Aldrin's Race into Space is insanely hard.

Everything has a 50% chance of failure or more. Every launch is a crapshoot, and there is no way to really mitigate the fact that the random number generator can screw you completely in a millisecond.

It's probably very realistic in terms of how safe those rockets were, but it's not good gameplay

"alright, I've done everything correct this time!" *clicks launch*

"The random number generator says everyone died. game over."

Games back in the day were about simulation, not wish fulfillment or empowering fantasies.


upload.wikimedia.org]

What a simulation might look like.
 
2012-09-14 08:06:17 PM  
I'm replaying SWAT 4 which is the successor of Daryl Gates Police Story (weird, right?) and I'm getting a kick out of these replies.

lparchive.org
images.wikia.com
 
Poe
2012-09-14 08:09:34 PM  
I literally wore out joysticks playing CYAC in my youth. They had a great mode for creating your own missions, got to the point where I could be jumped from behind by 15 "expert" pilots in Vietnam era jets while poking along in a WW2 prop job and still emerge victorious. Also had cool DRM, little booklet with dimensions, top speeds, ect for all the aircraft. You want to play? OK, what is the celling for the ME-163?
 
2012-09-14 08:14:12 PM  

fluffy2097: Man. Buzz Aldrin's Race into Space is insanely hard.


Try the improved version from www.raceintospace.org. These guys used the original source code to improve the game. As it turned out, some things that made the game very hard were just bugs (for example the duration stages were calculated twice). I love this game, it's hard, but not atrocious.
And the cover they show is from a budget version, the original game cover was different.
 
2012-09-14 08:17:54 PM  

GavinTheAlmighty: RTOGUY: I wouldn't call them failures either Police Quest spawned an entire series and The Horde... okay maybe The Horde didn't do quite as well but it was still a good game.

FYI: Police Quest Open Season was the fourth in the series. It was Daryl F. Gates' Police Quest: SWAT that spawned the SWAT series. Totally different game, and definitely a shiat FMV game.


So many games at the time were. It amuses me when people complain about swapping the disc once on the 360. I probably swapped discs 3-5 times an hour in games like Gabriel Knight: BotSBotD.
 
2012-09-14 08:47:49 PM  

thrasherrr: Artemus_Hackwell: Why wouldn't Shatner be on the Tek War packaging? He had the Tek War books and narrated (commercial break announces) the TV show of same name based on his Tek War books.

cue 'that's the joke.jpg' 

Ron Goulart wrote Tekwar for Shatner.


True; but still his "brand". His job to pimp out that brand. /shrug
 
2012-09-14 08:59:18 PM  
The Horde was a great game!

Although I didn't know Kirk Cameron was on the cover. Too young I guess.

And my HD was never erased. Sucks to be you erased-HD-people.
 
2012-09-14 09:11:13 PM  
I was a bridge caddy when I was a kid. I brought Omar Sharif a cup of coffee and a book of matches at a national tournament and he gave me 10 bucks as a tip.

Good guy.
 
2012-09-14 09:13:02 PM  

rocky_howard: I'm replaying SWAT 4 which is the successor of Daryl Gates Police Story (weird, right?) and I'm getting a kick out of these replies.

[lparchive.org image 425x319]
[images.wikia.com image 520x735]


You're in my way, sir.

/had to, sorry
//not that obscure, I hope
 
2012-09-14 09:26:37 PM  

Poe: I literally wore out joysticks playing CYAC in my youth. They had a great mode for creating your own missions, got to the point where I could be jumped from behind by 15 "expert" pilots in Vietnam era jets while poking along in a WW2 prop job and still emerge victorious. Also had cool DRM, little booklet with dimensions, top speeds, ect for all the aircraft. You want to play? OK, what is the celling for the ME-163?


Yeah, I killed a few joysticks, too. Best mission ever I shot down a bunch of MiG-21s over Viet Nam, dodged some SAMs, ran out of fuel on the way home, and made a dead stick landing back at base (carrying enough speed to turn off the runway and clear the taxiway). If that was real life, I would have been kissing the ground.

That was the best game ever until X-wing came out.
 
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