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(InfoWorld)   The 12 most dreaded help desk requests   (infoworld.com) divider line 44
    More: Dumbass  
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17197 clicks; posted to Geek » on 13 Sep 2012 at 2:26 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-09-13 03:31:56 PM  
8 votes:

Nightsweat: "I think the baby is yours."

Am I the only one who keeps getting that call? Man, just try to pick a category for that ticket.


Well, since she's a waitress, I'd go with "server error"
2012-09-13 03:10:15 PM  
7 votes:
1.bp.blogspot.com

"There's not enough room on my screen for the web. I need a bigger monitor"
2012-09-13 01:03:00 PM  
5 votes:
"I'm legally blind, but I'm a confident and fiercely independent woman. I'm new on this job and I DON'T want anyone thinking they made a bad hire, so don't even ask me to bring in a co-worker. I can't see my screen beyond a slight glow and have literally never worked with computers before. Now then, I'm told that our monthly reports are not uploading correctly, and that is all I know. What do I have to do to fix it?"

The call that lasted FOREVER.
2012-09-13 01:02:51 PM  
5 votes:
Just in time for customer service week, too, I see. Well, now. I spend the day logging on to other people's PCs and doing things like shrinking the browser that has every farking available tool bar and add on strapped to it like a German lesbian with ADD. Then, I ask them to open their email account so I can attach a file to an email because they were unable to do that, either. You would be amazed at how many of them have not only extremely personal emails open right then and there, but also how many people have rather personal IM windows popping up while I am logged onto their PC. I don't mind helping people out because that is what I do. I like being the most patient tech in the room, and setting an example for the younger kids who get pissed easily when people just can't function. I don't mind hearing a person in an executive position tell me, "I don't know nothing about no computers" because that tells me the economy is doing fine, anyone can get hired. And it tells me I can get hired anywhere, too. I have heard the most outrageous things from customer, but it's all in a day's work. I actually have never had a sit down job before, having been a factory worker, a furniture delivery guy, a UPS guy, a Cop, a baker, a chef, and an antiques dealer before. This job is nice. I get to sit on my ass all day. I wear fancy leather headphones. My Phone is in my PC. I get breaks. They buy cakes. They buy bagels. They throw us parties. I get weekends, nights, and paid vacations off. I cannot complain. I'm employed and others are not. I feel fortunate. I get to work with some of the brightest people in my state, too. But so help me god, the next person who calls me and doesn't know what time zone they are in is going to get a box of horse poop mailed to them.
2012-09-13 02:46:08 PM  
4 votes:

Glenford: What about the moronic answers that we users get from the "help" desk? My two favourites are:

1. Hang on while I google that
2. I dunno, have you tried re-booting it?


If more people actually did that for most requests just imagine how efficient things would be. Google for a man and he'll search for the day, teach a man to google and somehow he'll end up at some weird porn site that makes German midget scat porn look like softcore.
2012-09-13 12:17:38 PM  
4 votes:
crystaltips.typepad.com

"Have you tried turning it off, and on again?"
2012-09-13 09:21:37 PM  
3 votes:
I'll jump in.

Ages ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I worked for a computer retailer. A guy buys an expensive Powerbook (as if there was/is any other kind), and comes in two weeks later blowing his top. "This computer is dead, I want my money back!" I mean, raising a total riot, yelling about how we suck, etc. I try to calm him down, and he's having none of it, so I ask if I can have the computer and have one of our techs take a look. Fine. He takes his receipt while my PHB (pointy haired boss, for those non-monks) proceeds with the refund.

I take the laptop back to our service techs, ask them to give it a quick look. Not 45 seconds later, a guy walks out with the powerbook in a bag. "I'm not touching it." I'm like "Wha whaaaa?" He says "Dude, smell inside the bag". I do.

"Dude... Is that... that smells like jizz."

"The guy spooged on the keyboard. I'm not touching that thing."

Oooh, I'm all smiles. I walk back out and interrupt the manager mid refund. In a very conspiratorial, all smiles way, I lean in to the guy. "Sir. Sir... C'mere." He leans in. "Did you get it on the keyboard?"

Suddenly the guy is no longer Mr. I'm Getting My farking Money Back, and he whispers to me "Uh... yeah."

"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't take back a computer with jizz all over the keyboard."

"What am I supposed to tell my wife?!"

"That's between Sir and Mrs. Sir, sir."

Fast forward. I tell this tale to a co-worker. He laughs with gusto. Not even a month later, I get a panicked call from him. He's opened a can of diet Coke and it sprayed all over his laptop. I pelt over, see Coke everywhere, make sure he'd followed my instructions to unplug it and yank the battery. I remove the keyboard. None had gotten through. All good. Call Dell, new keyboard on the way.

As he lets out a HUGE sigh of relief, I look at him totally deadpan and say "Sir... Did you get it on the keyboard?" "I didn't spunk on the farking keyboard!"

Go back to the office. Tell EVERYONE the whole story. He comes back to the main office later that day. Moment he walks in, someone says "Dude... You got it on the keyboard?"

That's one of the many reasons my server room has sturdy locks.
2012-09-13 02:58:41 PM  
3 votes:
"I think the baby is yours."

Am I the only one who keeps getting that call? Man, just try to pick a category for that ticket.
2012-09-13 01:37:40 PM  
3 votes:
I do some on the side repair jobs (mostly friends-of-friends to get a little extra spending cash), and I ALWAYS ask "Is there going to be anything I don't WANT to find (porn)?"

Answer: "No, I don't look at that stuff"

If they lied, it costs extra AND I take a screenshot of the offending item for my collection. It goes in my "Oh Internet" folder.
2012-09-13 12:38:38 PM  
3 votes:
Me: "Okay, let me connect to your computer and take a look. What's your computer name?" (we give each machine a specific name in AD, then connect through VNC Viewer, RDP or whatever through that name or IP Address.)

Customer: "Um, I call it Bob."

Me: (HITS MUTE BUTTON) "Oh, you're so farking funny. What a clever wit! Why are you slaving behind a computer instead of selling out Madison Square Garden with your stand-up act every night you farking turd?"

Me: (gritting my teeth) "Oh really? Mine's Fred." (I then hate myself for playing along with this asshole.)

Customer: "Where do I find the computer name? Oh here it is. 'Dell.' "

Me: (pulling my farking hair out) "No, that's the brand. I need the name we gave it. It should be there on your desktop wallpaper or on the sticker on the top of the tower."

Customer: "It's not on my desktop screen. And there is no sticker."

Me: "Oh? What's on your desktop screen?"

Customer: "My email."

Me: (slamming my head on the desk) "No, that's not your desktop wallpaper. Minimize all your open programs and tell me what you see in the lower right hand corner of the screen."

Customer: "Oh! Look at that. It says Computer name......."




Several times a week. And they almost always call their computer Bob. What the fark?
2012-09-14 06:45:07 AM  
2 votes:
2012-09-13 03:14:56 PM  
2 votes:
"....Please do the needful."
2012-09-13 02:42:55 PM  
2 votes:
And from the OTHER side of the spectrum:
- The office opens at 9 but you IT people seem to waddle in at 10:30. What gives?
- Can you repeat that instruction WITHOUT a mouthful of Cheetos this time?
- Sorry, I don't know computer lingo. I have a demanding life that requires me to go outside & have sex & stuff.
- That new security systems works great! Even the office employees are blocked out of the system, Q-bert!
- Thanks for being so condescending or `aspie' as you neck-beards call it. (Yeah-yeah, bonafide medical condition...)
- Honestly, my computer is making strange noises. You just can't hear it over your own strange wheezing noises.
2012-09-13 01:38:18 PM  
2 votes:

UberDave: I can see those as annoying but are they really that big of a deal? Most are simple to solve. The calls that should be "dreaded" are the ones that are legitimate but they can't solve


Yeah, this is just a sysadmin biatch list. You want to know what I dread? "The data center's on fire".
2012-09-13 12:25:11 PM  
2 votes:
Anything following "could you help me" would make the list
2012-09-13 12:14:43 PM  
2 votes:
No helldesk thread is complete without the following:

The Website is Down (NSFW Language)

Go on, you know you want to watch it again. What else were you going to do this close to lunch? Work? Pffft.
2012-09-13 12:09:24 PM  
2 votes:
I put a heavy cup of coffee in the computer's cup holder and it broke off. What do you mean that wasn't a cup holder?
2012-09-13 11:47:17 AM  
2 votes:
"Could you please get some exercise?"
2012-09-14 06:56:37 AM  
1 votes:

Zotfripper: I'll just leave this here.


Hey, my name is george, so im havening a kick out of this!
2012-09-14 02:51:18 AM  
1 votes:
Here's an idea:

When we call in with an issue, don't start with the assumption that we're completely retarded. We might actually save you time if you ask us, or allow us to tell you, the actual farking symptoms of the problem.

I know for damned sure that if I can ping-t my router, and your router, and don't drop any packets, but can't trace any farther out, the problem isn't a farking loose ethernet jack. If I can ping any external IP from a command prompt, but not any external website, the problem is not going to be solved by upgrading my farking browser. If I can surf every website in the world besides our corporate site, have cleared my caches, and the problem exists no matter what PC or device I tried to use, and no matter what network I use it from, "you must have done something" isn't a logical farking reponse! If I can't get to my website, can't get to any other websites hosted on the same shared server, but can get to every other website on earth, I can guaran-farking-tee you that the problem is not my farking network card.

One other little suggestion:

If you send me up to Level II support, tell them whatever the fark I just told you, and what you tried that didn't work. Don't make me do the retard shuffle again for the next 15 minutes of my life. If rebooting my PC, my router, and refreshing my IP address didn't work the last two times, and you haven't done anything on your side since the last time I did it, it's not going to farking work the third time.

If I could have the hours of my life back I have spent on the phone with tech support when they farking ignored every word I said the first three times, I think I'd be able to watch all the Star Trek episodes in one sitting. From each series.

/not like I would. voyager sucked.
2012-09-14 01:01:40 AM  
1 votes:

Because People in power are Stupid: I should say that I farking hire IT staff constantly, in fact you could say that I am a hiring manager.


So I could safely say that you are a "person in power"...

At least you got the fark handle right.
das
2012-09-13 08:13:34 PM  
1 votes:
ID-10-T error.
2012-09-13 08:09:28 PM  
1 votes:
SLIDESHOW BOB!

*runs into house and locks the door*
2012-09-13 07:55:23 PM  
1 votes:
tl:dr Everyone complains about their jobs, and I will too. Most users are OK, some users suck, this one user really sucked.

All these remarks telling IT guys to get over it... I bet you farkers NEVER complain about your jobs.

I rarely have to talk to the unwashed users, but 99% of the time the transactions I have with them are pleasant and resolved quickly. It isn't those calls that stand out, though. I've seen competent techs who were berated by users to the point of tears. Here's my whiny story about an asshat user.

A quick background, this happens in the middle of a months long badly needed migration from a failing Exchange 2003 server to a shiny new Exchange 2010 server. We were short handed, and I was taking some calls (normally I just do network and systems monitoring, escalated issues, and design and engineering)

A user calls in, and asks to talk to an unavailable tech who reports to me. I tell this user that she isn't available, and that I can help her with her problem. This user says that her email looks different, she's using OWA on her personal computer to access her email (Outlook Web Access for those of you who don't know). I proudly inform her that her account has been moved to the new email server, and that it does look different, but adds a bunch of new functionality and dependability, and that I'm sure she'll grow to lik... She cuts me off, "I don't like it!" I was taken by surprise, as we're (OK "I'm") pretty proud of our new server. "I..I'm sorry."

She LOUDLY DEMANDS to know who's decision it was to move her account to a new server, and why wasn't she notified? I told her that the primary deciding factor at this point is mailbox size, we started with the smallest, and are moving batches over every night, and that this is a decision that was made months ago and it was public knowledge that this was happening. She pitches a fit like a grade school girl, "No one else I work with has the new server! I don't want the new server, I want to be put back on the old server!" To which I reply, "Everybody will eventually be moved to the new server, it's inevitable. I'm sorry, I can't move you back, is there something else I can help you with?" At this point, we go into a feedback loop repeating her last sentence and my last sentence, probably 6 or 7 times, before she demanded to speak with my report. I told her that she was unavailable. She demanded to know who could put her back on the old server, I told her that if it could be done, I would do it, but that nobody could do that, that she'd need to get used to the new interface. We then went back into the feedback loop, her getting louder each time, until she finally hung up on me.

The phone rang again, it was her, I told the tech to let it roll, sparing her the vitriol. It rolled through the other phones, and came back to my phone. I answered, she demanded to speak with the tech, I told her she wasn't available, and instead transferred her to my boss who was expecting the call.

I went to his office, and he put it on speaker. She was as sweet as sugar, complained about me, telling my boss that I was rude and unhelpful, to which he replied "That's strange, he's usually very nice." She asked if she could be moved back to the old server, he told her exactly what I did, "I'm sorry, we can't do that, is there something else I can help you with?" To which she replied, "It's just that it doesn't work right, I can't scroll through the emails like I used to, and it doesn't look as good." She needed to update her browser, she was using IE6. Everything worked fine after she updated.

A cursory check of this person's account showed me that she was a low level employee of no significance. Why did she think she could make such a demand? This whole thing took 3 times longer than it needed to, the user got herself all worked up about nothing, and in the end it could have been resolved very quickly if she'd just told me what the problem was.

So, yeah, you can be a demanding asshat, or you can just be nice and have your problem solved quickly and efficiently. In the end, you're just wasting my time and yours if you're a jerk. I imagine these people are the same people who treat waitstaff poorly, and kick their dog because of their own deep rooted inadequacies.
2012-09-13 07:26:56 PM  
1 votes:
Did no one mention BOHF?

Link
2012-09-13 07:05:37 PM  
1 votes:
blog.itsmartdesk.com
2012-09-13 05:39:20 PM  
1 votes:

China White Tea: Hiro Nakamura: That's a bullshiat comparison. You're an expert (supposedly) trained in the maintenance and operation of a complex system designed to be used by a user with a minimum level of training.

How many IT guys rely on their 20 year old beater to get them back and forth to work but are clueless when it breaks down?

...except the "I'm not a computer person" utterance is usually used in relation to the computer equivalent of, say, putting gas in your car.


I was thinking the following:

User: "My car isn't working."

Mechanic: "What's the problem?"

User: "It's not working."

Mechanic: "Okay. Exactly what part isn't working?"

User: "The door won't open. I think the handle is broken."

Mechanic: "Okay. Did you try to unlock the car?"

User: "Of course I unlocked the car! I'm not an idiot!"

Mechanic: "Well why don't you try to unlock it again."

User: "I AM NOT AN IDIOT! I PUSHED THE UNLOCK BUTTON SO IT'S UNLOCKED!"

Mechanic: "Have you tried the door key? Your remote might be dead."

User: "Oh. I guess that worked. Sorry, I'm just not a computer car person."
2012-09-13 05:16:34 PM  
1 votes:
Not mine, but it apparently happened: "My USB drive won't work"
img.thedailywtf.com
2012-09-13 05:09:26 PM  
1 votes:
Still, after all these years, my favorite tech support call. Somewhere around 1990, I get a call from Nairobi, guy I worked with in Houston (hadn't seen in months), on the phone asking me "How do I get the penguin to pick up the cotton balls?"

Leather Goddesses of Phobos (FTW)
2012-09-13 04:05:15 PM  
1 votes:

metalunna: "....Please do the needful."


How am I to be of your most helpful assistance?
2012-09-13 03:56:55 PM  
1 votes:

theflatline: I had a customer in the 1990s bring a computer into me and was quite upset about the smell coming from it.

I opened it up and identified a puddle of vomit laced with Boones Farm Strawberry hill.

Jackasses kid had the case off the computer, was drunk playing Doom, and got motion sickness, barfed in it, and closed the sucker back up.

The computer still worked and I refused to clean it and told him to take his business elsehwere.


had a person bring me a compaq pc, old style hermetically sealed case. the farking thing sloshed when he sat it down. "it doesn't work" he says.

pull the side off, and about 3 pints of piss rolled out.

his great dane had pissed in the power supply. awesome.
2012-09-13 03:37:48 PM  
1 votes:

wmoonfox:
So, depending on the availability of computing equipment, RSA tokens, furniture (oh yes, you're good with a screwdriver... go put that desk together), network drops/capacity, etc... users brought in without prior notice to IT could sometimes end up sitting on their hands for a month or more. And, of course, it was always my fault.


Oh I forgot about the furniture. Gotta love when some manager rearranges their office and then wants you to drop everything to set up their computer, printer, and other stuff right then. Of course when they were moving stuff around they didn't give any consideration to where the power outlets and network jacks were......


My first day in IT I reduced a woman to tears because I asked her if her printer had any paper in it.......
2012-09-13 03:36:05 PM  
1 votes:
13. (After solving a long, drawn-out issue): "Oh wait! Since I have you on the phone, could you help me with......?"

14. Phone rings. "HI THIS IS ! I AM DEAD IN THE WATER OVER HERE!!! THIS IS BULL#%&# WHAT IS BEING DONE TO FIX THIS????!!"
2012-09-13 03:34:29 PM  
1 votes:
I had a customer in the 1990s bring a computer into me and was quite upset about the smell coming from it.

I opened it up and identified a puddle of vomit laced with Boones Farm Strawberry hill.

Jackasses kid had the case off the computer, was drunk playing Doom, and got motion sickness, barfed in it, and closed the sucker back up.

The computer still worked and I refused to clean it and told him to take his business elsehwere.
2012-09-13 03:26:36 PM  
1 votes:
Because WinRAR has the ability to step outside of archive files and actually browse the computer, my boss is convinced that sending a client a RAR file will allow them to browse his computer.
2012-09-13 03:06:57 PM  
1 votes:
I love nursing. I was in IT for almost 10 years and don't miss it at all. Seriously, I had a woman almost bleed on my shoes from her butt last night and it is still better than having to deal with people who have no clue how tech works and having coworkers think they are god because they know how to do these simple things.
2012-09-13 02:39:46 PM  
1 votes:
agbeat.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com

img.thedailywtf.com
I think I might have found the problem...

i22.photobucket.com
2012-09-13 02:08:36 PM  
1 votes:

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: I bet.


Oh man, you have no idea. I had to speak in code.

Then I had to call the user, who was sorta-kinda a friend of mine and chew him out for putting me in that position.

I think my all-time favorite "can I ask a question" thing was when I was a phone monkey for AOL back around 1994 or so. Guy calls and asks if it's possible to have two monitors on a single computer, but both showing the same thing. This was before dual-head video cards were common and inexpensive, and so I told him I'm sure it was possible, but it depended on how far from the computer the second monitor was going to be.

"33 miles."

Turns out he wanted to watch what his wife was doing during the day while he was at work. I stupidly asked why he would want to do that, and the call went OFF THE RAILS. At the time we were graded on call time. <4 minutes was the goal. This one ended up taking almost an hour because we had a rule that we couldn't disconnect until the customer did unless they were using foul language.

He proceeds to tell me about how when he got married his wife was fat, and since she joined AOL six months ago she'd lost a ton of weight and basically spent all day in the AOL chat rooms. He was convinced she was having a cyber affair and was getting ready to turn it into a real one, and that's why he wanted to "monitor" her usage.

He treated me like a psychologist he was unloading onto. I kept saying, "Sir, this is REALLY a conversation you should have with your wife..." My supervisor came over and plugged in his headset to listen to me try to handle this guy...then smiled, shook his head in sympathy and wandered back to his own cube.
2012-09-13 01:39:03 PM  
1 votes:
I cannot believe the left out the utter classic!

Is the Internet down?
2012-09-13 01:11:41 PM  
1 votes:
Forgot password - check

Why is the internet so slow? - check

A classic from The Onion
2012-09-13 12:47:08 PM  
1 votes:

AdolfOliverPanties: Me: "Okay, let me connect to your computer and take a look. What's your computer name?" (we give each machine a specific name in AD, then connect through VNC Viewer, RDP or whatever through that name or IP Address.)

Customer: "Um, I call it Bob."

Me: (HITS MUTE BUTTON) "Oh, you're so farking funny. What a clever wit! Why are you slaving behind a computer instead of selling out Madison Square Garden with your stand-up act every night you farking turd?"

Me: (gritting my teeth) "Oh really? Mine's Fred." (I then hate myself for playing along with this asshole.)

Customer: "Where do I find the computer name? Oh here it is. 'Dell.' "

Me: (pulling my farking hair out) "No, that's the brand. I need the name we gave it. It should be there on your desktop wallpaper or on the sticker on the top of the tower."

Customer: "It's not on my desktop screen. And there is no sticker."

Me: "Oh? What's on your desktop screen?"

Customer: "My email."

Me: (slamming my head on the desk) "No, that's not your desktop wallpaper. Minimize all your open programs and tell me what you see in the lower right hand corner of the screen."

Customer: "Oh! Look at that. It says Computer name......."



Several times a week. And they almost always call their computer Bob. What the fark?


My computer doesn't have none of that stuff (translation: "I'm too lazy to look"). Can't you just send someone to look at it? No, I mean send them right now! What do you mean I have to wait? Don't you have someone down there who can come RIGHT NOW?? I can't hear my music without the sound on my computer!
2012-09-13 12:24:51 PM  
1 votes:
You have not experienced real wonder unless the person is sure it is a ghost causing the problems, and not the fact cables are coming unplugged. After explaining ghosts can not use tools and screwing the cables in place the problem disappeared but the symptom of crazy remained in the hospital administrator
2012-09-13 12:20:19 PM  
1 votes:
"What were you doing at the time this happened?"

"Nothing"

Sign me up! I'd like a job that entails doing nothing.

Truth be told. I've had jobs wherein I didn't actually have anything to do. Those jobs sucked.
2012-09-13 12:04:04 PM  
1 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Number 7 is way too freakin true. Not a single day passes at work that I don't hear it

/I've been doing this stuff too long


Agreed. What the hell can you do except clear cookies and temp files, run Malware and Virus scans and maybe reset default settings in the browser? I have only been doing this for about 6-8 years, but I am filled with hatred for most people now.

I am a master of the mute button so I can vent my spleen. If that thing ever breaks, I will be out of a job.
 
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