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(InfoWorld)   The 12 most dreaded help desk requests   (infoworld.com) divider line 337
    More: Dumbass  
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17198 clicks; posted to Geek » on 13 Sep 2012 at 2:26 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-09-13 02:42:55 PM  
And from the OTHER side of the spectrum:
- The office opens at 9 but you IT people seem to waddle in at 10:30. What gives?
- Can you repeat that instruction WITHOUT a mouthful of Cheetos this time?
- Sorry, I don't know computer lingo. I have a demanding life that requires me to go outside & have sex & stuff.
- That new security systems works great! Even the office employees are blocked out of the system, Q-bert!
- Thanks for being so condescending or `aspie' as you neck-beards call it. (Yeah-yeah, bonafide medical condition...)
- Honestly, my computer is making strange noises. You just can't hear it over your own strange wheezing noises.
 
2012-09-13 02:43:49 PM  
Also, my damn smartphone has more RAM than my PC that needs to run about 15 programs on four monitors. Seriously, I DO need an upgrade!
 
2012-09-13 02:45:57 PM  
 
2012-09-13 02:46:08 PM  

Glenford: What about the moronic answers that we users get from the "help" desk? My two favourites are:

1. Hang on while I google that
2. I dunno, have you tried re-booting it?


If more people actually did that for most requests just imagine how efficient things would be. Google for a man and he'll search for the day, teach a man to google and somehow he'll end up at some weird porn site that makes German midget scat porn look like softcore.
 
2012-09-13 02:46:24 PM  
"My email doesn't work!"
 
2012-09-13 02:46:30 PM  
I think the printer thing was the worst, working as the only IT admin for a site with 1500 local users and ~1000 flung all over the US. Not because it happened every thirty minutes, but because users invariably tried to "fix" it themselves, regardless of how many times that failed to work out before.

Users, please note: we appreciate the effort (we do!), but, if you've failed to unjam the printer every single time you've tried, please just skip to calling support instead of sticking random metal objects into the high-voltage equipment and mercilessly beating it until parts start falling out.

It's totally worth it to get your foot in the door in IT, but, in hindsight, I am sooo glad I got out of there when I did.
 
2012-09-13 02:48:02 PM  

UberDave: I can see those as annoying but are they really that big of a deal? Most are simple to solve. The calls that should be "dreaded" are the ones that are legitimate but they can't solve -

"Yeah, your secure FTP site is dumping me every 30 minutes right in the middle of downloading a large database dump, what's the deal?"

...or...

"Hi, your profiles are set up to prevent programs from creating local files on the local drive and is instead putting them in the virtual store. Could you release that for admin users?"

...or...

"Hey, there's several hundred people who are locked out of the work area and having to record their entry/exit data on paper because the access stations have slowed to a crawl. What's going on?"


Exactly. Try diagnosing transient file server slowness and you'll be glad to reset someone's password.
 
2012-09-13 02:49:28 PM  

Grither: FTFA:
4. "How do I stop all these system updates?"

8. "My computer has a virus, but I clicked the prompt to update my antivirus software yesterday."

Ok IT guys, seriously, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. Choose one of these things to not happen, and I will be happy to comply. But you can't tell me to update my computer every time AND tell me NOT to click update whenever it comes up. That is literally impossible.

/stupid IT jerks


Generally, if the stupid IT jerks want to update your computer, they don't need your approval. If you get a popup telling you to update something, it's probably BS.

Bottom line is that, if your IT department is even remotely competent, you will never have to worry about updates.
 
2012-09-13 02:51:38 PM  
My work computer is too slow to run Guild Wars 2. Time for an Upgrayedd!
 
2012-09-13 02:51:51 PM  
I've seen twenty or more lists of complaints and rants by help desk workers over the years. In fact IT help desk workers may be the most whiny biatchy group of people on the internet outside of the politics tab on Fark. And that's surprising because there are so many jobs out there that are more demanding and irritating but you don't see the people with those jobs complaining and whining nearly as often as IT help desk workers.
 
2012-09-13 02:51:57 PM  
Had a gal today where I had to completely reset her IE, lost all her offline content. She couldn't drop down and go to Verizon, which is where her internet lived. So I patiently walked her through typing Googe in the address bar, and then typing Verizon into google and then she logged on so she could go to her favorites in teh IE browser, (which I hadn't deleted) and click on the page she does all her work on.
You know, mam'n, I could just make that page your home page.
OH NO NO NO NO NO, I need to go to VEWIZIN!, Dat's Wheah Mah Intanit comes frum. !!!!!
Yes mam'n, and you have a wonderful day.
 
2012-09-13 02:53:21 PM  
If you are working the Help Desk and still getting aggravated by people who are less than computer literate, then maybe IT Customer Service isn't for you.

/did my time
 
2012-09-13 02:53:26 PM  

UberDave: leftteffticle: UberDave: I can see those as annoying but are they really that big of a deal? Most are simple to solve. The calls that should be "dreaded" are the ones that are legitimate but they can't solve

Truth. Any issue I can actually solve quickly and get the person on their way is a good one, no matter how annoying or trivial.

Not only that - they may be clueless but if you solve their problem they will be happy as a pig in shiat.


Truth.. it amuses me to no end that people think I am some kind of a superwoman, genius, or magician because I can do things for them that are extremely simple (to me) but insurmountable tasks to them. I work for a university so I'm generally dealing with a pool of PhD students and professors (which, I know, I know.. doesn't mean they're actually intelligent, but they're SmartTM) and it's basically the greatest thing when some Important Guy gushes over me for 5 minutes because I rebooted his computer and things worked again or something like that.
 
2012-09-13 02:53:34 PM  

Grither: FTFA:
4. "How do I stop all these system updates?"

8. "My computer has a virus, but I clicked the prompt to update my antivirus software yesterday."

Ok IT guys, seriously, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. Choose one of these things to not happen, and I will be happy to comply. But you can't tell me to update my computer every time AND tell me NOT to click update whenever it comes up. That is literally impossible.

/stupid IT jerks


You're either trolling or you don't know the difference between a legitimate push and a malware popup.
 
2012-09-13 02:54:19 PM  

Lumpmoose: UberDave: I can see those as annoying but are they really that big of a deal? Most are simple to solve. The calls that should be "dreaded" are the ones that are legitimate but they can't solve -

...

Exactly. Try diagnosing transient file server slowness and you'll be glad to reset someone's password.


Or... the poorly-designed and -implemented prox/maglock system protecting your secured facility has locked up hard due to a packet storm caused by a user plugging his personal 10mb hub into the corporate network to "test" it after a lightning strike, and now nobody can get into the building.

Started keeping a key to the only external striker lock in the facility after that.
 
2012-09-13 02:55:12 PM  
Also, #2 is bullshiat.

Most users live in fear of a software or hardware refresh.
 
2012-09-13 02:55:14 PM  

AdolfOliverPanties: MaudlinMutantMollusk: Number 7 is way too freakin true. Not a single day passes at work that I don't hear it

/I've been doing this stuff too long

Agreed. What the hell can you do except clear cookies and temp files, run Malware and Virus scans and maybe reset default settings in the browser? I have only been doing this for about 6-8 years, but I am filled with hatred for most people now.

I am a master of the mute button so I can vent my spleen. If that thing ever breaks, I will be out of a job.


You both still haven't answered why the internet is slow sometimes.

Seriously, you're in charge of all the tech stuff, but hate people for asking you the tech questions??

When the internet is cripplingly slow, it stops the productivity of everyone. Not everyone is in your super secret club of knowledge, so we don't know why it's slow. I can't count how many times there has been a problem with our routers here, which they finally begrudgingly checked after being bothered by it by the manager.

Little less snark and hatred, little more helpfulness and warmth.
 
2012-09-13 02:55:25 PM  
Been in the field for 20 years now. Thankfully, I got away from the ordinary support calls like that a while ago. Which means I typically have to deal with CEOs instead. It's much, much more infuriating.
 
2012-09-13 02:55:41 PM  
I'm surprised that 'the coffee cup holder won't retract anymore' didn't make the list.
 
2012-09-13 02:56:44 PM  

AdolfOliverPanties: Me: "Okay, let me connect to your computer and take a look. What's your computer name?" (we give each machine a specific name in AD, then connect through VNC Viewer, RDP or whatever through that name or IP Address.)

Customer: "Um, I call it Bob."

Me: (HITS MUTE BUTTON) "Oh, you're so farking funny. What a clever wit! Why are you slaving behind a computer instead of selling out Madison Square Garden with your stand-up act every night you farking turd?"

Me: (gritting my teeth) "Oh really? Mine's Fred." (I then hate myself for playing along with this asshole.)

Customer: "Where do I find the computer name? Oh here it is. 'Dell.' "

Me: (pulling my farking hair out) "No, that's the brand. I need the name we gave it. It should be there on your desktop wallpaper or on the sticker on the top of the tower."

Customer: "It's not on my desktop screen. And there is no sticker."

Me: "Oh? What's on your desktop screen?"

Customer: "My email."

Me: (slamming my head on the desk) "No, that's not your desktop wallpaper. Minimize all your open programs and tell me what you see in the lower right hand corner of the screen."

Customer: "Oh! Look at that. It says Computer name......."

Several times a week. And they almost always call their computer Bob. What the fark?


Or, just say "Hold the Windows key (it is on the bottom left of your keyboard between control and alt) and then press the m key. What's it say for computer name in the lower right corner of the screen?"
 
2012-09-13 02:58:41 PM  
"I think the baby is yours."

Am I the only one who keeps getting that call? Man, just try to pick a category for that ticket.
 
2012-09-13 03:00:11 PM  

TsarTom: "I'm legally blind, but I'm a confident and fiercely independent woman. I'm new on this job and I DON'T want anyone thinking they made a bad hire, so don't even ask me to bring in a co-worker. I can't see my screen beyond a slight glow and have literally never worked with computers before. Now then, I'm told that our monthly reports are not uploading correctly, and that is all I know. What do I have to do to fix it?"

The call that lasted FOREVER.


Come on, you can't leave us hanging like that. Did you immediately send an email to her supervisor? What happened?
 
2012-09-13 03:00:44 PM  

Nightsweat: "I think the baby is yours."

Am I the only one who keeps getting that call? Man, just try to pick a category for that ticket.



Not a really popular category for most IT guys.

Maybe "Other" would work.
 
2012-09-13 03:01:53 PM  

vudukungfu: Just in time for customer service week, too, I see. Well, now. I spend the day logging on to other people's PCs and doing things like shrinking the browser that has every farking available tool bar and add on strapped to it like a German lesbian with ADD. Then, I ask them to open their email account so I can attach a file to an email because they were unable to do that, either. You would be amazed at how many of them have not only extremely personal emails open right then and there, but also how many people have rather personal IM windows popping up while I am logged onto their PC. I don't mind helping people out because that is what I do. I like being the most patient tech in the room, and setting an example for the younger kids who get pissed easily when people just can't function. I don't mind hearing a person in an executive position tell me, "I don't know nothing about no computers" because that tells me the economy is doing fine, anyone can get hired. And it tells me I can get hired anywhere, too. I have heard the most outrageous things from customer, but it's all in a day's work. I actually have never had a sit down job before, having been a factory worker, a furniture delivery guy, a UPS guy, a Cop, a baker, a chef, and an antiques dealer before. This job is nice. I get to sit on my ass all day. I wear fancy leather headphones. My Phone is in my PC. I get breaks. They buy cakes. They buy bagels. They throw us parties. I get weekends, nights, and paid vacations off. I cannot complain. I'm employed and others are not. I feel fortunate. I get to work with some of the brightest people in my state, too. But so help me god, the next person who calls me and doesn't know what time zone they are in is going to get a box of horse poop mailed to them.


For when you need it.
 
2012-09-13 03:02:26 PM  
The worst call I ever got was when I was working for MCI, this was in 1998, the call went like this, "Our entire network is down, nobody can find the server, the printers are all offline, and I can't get my e-mail."

My response was Oh shiat.

/A lightening strike in the night had wiped out the hub and 12 network cards. Everyone in that department got to take a 4 hour lunch that day.
 
2012-09-13 03:03:28 PM  
Could you set my personal phone up for email?

Generally this is easy if you use an exchange server if you know the details but it isn't always obvious.

And the reason people need this is because IT can't be bothered to get modern phones accredited for use as company phones. BYOD is also becoming more popular because it saves companies money.

Dear IT: Nobody wants to use a blackberry. Please update your shiat to allow Android and iPhones stat
 
2012-09-13 03:04:32 PM  

xnecron: Also, #2 is bullshiat.

Most users live in fear of a software or hardware refresh.


There were pretty much two distinct categories with my users: the people for whom an upgrade would make the least impact (finance, management, etc.) were always chomping at the bit for the latest hardware, while the people who would benefit the most from such an upgrade (developers, road techs, etc.) were utterly horrified at the notion.
 
2012-09-13 03:04:37 PM  

YixilTesiphon: TsarTom: "I'm legally blind, but I'm a confident and fiercely independent woman. I'm new on this job and I DON'T want anyone thinking they made a bad hire, so don't even ask me to bring in a co-worker. I can't see my screen beyond a slight glow and have literally never worked with computers before. Now then, I'm told that our monthly reports are not uploading correctly, and that is all I know. What do I have to do to fix it?"

The call that lasted FOREVER.

Come on, you can't leave us hanging like that. Did you immediately send an email to her supervisor? What happened?


Every time I see a woman describe herself as a 'strong independent woman' or something in those lines, I think raging feminist. Seriously, we get it. You can take care of yourself and don't believe that you need to rely on someone else. Using those code words to describe yourself is like a guy with a small peener driving a sports car.
 
2012-09-13 03:06:42 PM  

AdolfOliverPanties: Me: "Okay, let me connect to your computer and take a look. What's your computer name?" (we give each machine a specific name in AD, then connect through VNC Viewer, RDP or whatever through that name or IP Address.)

Customer: "Um, I call it Bob."

Me: (HITS MUTE BUTTON) "Oh, you're so farking funny. What a clever wit! Why are you slaving behind a computer instead of selling out Madison Square Garden with your stand-up act every night you farking turd?"

Me: (gritting my teeth) "Oh really? Mine's Fred." (I then hate myself for playing along with this asshole.)

Customer: "Where do I find the computer name? Oh here it is. 'Dell.' "

Me: (pulling my farking hair out) "No, that's the brand. I need the name we gave it. It should be there on your desktop wallpaper or on the sticker on the top of the tower."

Customer: "It's not on my desktop screen. And there is no sticker."

Me: "Oh? What's on your desktop screen?"

Customer: "My email."

Me: (slamming my head on the desk) "No, that's not your desktop wallpaper. Minimize all your open programs and tell me what you see in the lower right hand corner of the screen."

Customer: "Oh! Look at that. It says Computer name......."



Several times a week. And they almost always call their computer Bob. What the fark?


I avoid such issues by using an automated inventory system that enables me to search user names and retrieve a list of computers that they have recently accessed.
 
2012-09-13 03:06:57 PM  
I love nursing. I was in IT for almost 10 years and don't miss it at all. Seriously, I had a woman almost bleed on my shoes from her butt last night and it is still better than having to deal with people who have no clue how tech works and having coworkers think they are god because they know how to do these simple things.
 
2012-09-13 03:09:01 PM  

Faddy: Dear IT: Nobody wants to use a blackberry. Please update your shiat to allow Android and iPhones stat


Dear user: The reason that Android and IOS approval lagged for so long is because of those systems' poor support for and/or reluctance to implement full-system encryption. As I recall, the only way we even managed to get Android approved was through the use of some third-party sandbox app. Either way, it wasn't our fault, and besides... security has the final say over crap like that -- trust me, your IT guy wants to dump his BB as much as you do.
 
2012-09-13 03:10:15 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com

"There's not enough room on my screen for the web. I need a bigger monitor"
 
2012-09-13 03:11:56 PM  

Dimensio: I avoid such issues by using an automated inventory system that enables me to search user names and retrieve a list of computers that they have recently accessed.


Except when an employee has raided the cubical of the recently laid off and thought he could get the newer machine without asking.

Him: My password doesn't work
Me: No Problem I will reset it (looks up computer name resets login password)
Him: The new password doesn't work
Me: No problem I will be downstairs in 10 minutes.

Get downstairs, low and behold he is using a different computer he thought the cubical assigned the computer name.
 
2012-09-13 03:13:33 PM  

PainInTheASP: No helldesk thread is complete without the following:

The Website is Down (NSFW Language)

Go on, you know you want to watch it again. What else were you going to do this close to lunch? Work? Pffft.


That is farking HILARIOUS!!!
 
2012-09-13 03:13:36 PM  
IT guys do not give a shiat about password resets. They take no time to do.

"whats your username?" *clicky clicky* "ok, your password is now password, and you will have to change it to something else as soon as you login." *close ticket*
 
2012-09-13 03:14:56 PM  
"....Please do the needful."
 
2012-09-13 03:15:50 PM  

Glenford: What about the moronic answers that we users get from the "help" desk? My two favourites are:

2. I dunno, have you tried re-booting it?

 
Nah.  Its always good to get that out of the way first.  What if they forgot to reboot?  Rebooting solves many problems.


 
 
2012-09-13 03:16:07 PM  
As a developer, number 7 is really a pain in the ass. I go through a lot of effort to make sure any error messages are detailed and helpful, but no one reads them.

user: "I clicked the button and it gave me an error."
me: "What did the error say?"
user: "I don't know. Is that important?"
 
2012-09-13 03:16:49 PM  
I've seen most of those over the years. They left off the one that really irritates me: The "we just hired a bunch of new people and they started today. We need you to get them set up with user accounts and email addresses right away." calls. Mind you the decision to hire these people was made weeks ago and no one thought to ask IT to set up the accounts ahead of time. Thankfully our complaints to HR took care of most of these calls eventually.
 
2012-09-13 03:16:59 PM  
I don't even work in tech support, I'm just a simple office worker. And because I know my way around a PC, I have been asked nearly all of these things. I should ask for a raise...
 
2012-09-13 03:17:43 PM  

kid_icarus: I can't believe they left out the most beloved line of all,

I'm not very computer illiterate...

...back in my help desk days, that line was uttered at least 500 times a day, made all the more maddening in that they seemed unaware they were stating the opposite of what they meant, but they all said it like that.


CSB:

Way back when ('96), I had just started my job at a company doing tech support for Sun expansion cards and usually clueless sysadmins who need general Solaris help. Phone call comes in, I pick up, and a female voice on the other end starts off on how their systems were down, everyone was in a panic, and what's this "UH-nix" thing that she needs to do?

I sigh. Woman on the other end goes "Rick?" "No, I'm enry". Turns out it was the wife of my colleague who wanted to give her husband some crap. She is a sysadmin too so knew exactly what it would take to make us think our day had been ruined.
 
Ant
2012-09-13 03:18:57 PM  
The most annoying problems are the problems that are only problems in the user's mind.

My boss's boss: "Hey, the instruction document I had on my desktop for connecting to VPN and WiFi when travelling has changed!"
Me: "Yeah, we updated them with new info and pushed them out to all laptop users. The new instructions include the old ones"
My boss's boss: "HOW DARE YOU CHANGE A FILE ON MY DESKTOP! I am calling a meeting with you and [boss] right now!!!"
 
2012-09-13 03:20:59 PM  
Forgotten passwords wouldn't be an issue if we didn't have 12-14 different systems we had to log into that all have unique password requirements. Do you expect me to write them down?
 
Ant
2012-09-13 03:22:13 PM  

dramboxf: I cannot believe the left out the utter classic!

Is the "the system" Internet down?


FTFY Whatever the fark "the system" is, I'll never guess.
 
2012-09-13 03:22:52 PM  

Stig2112: I've seen most of those over the years. They left off the one that really irritates me: The "we just hired a bunch of new people and they started today. We need you to get them set up with user accounts and email addresses right away." calls. Mind you the decision to hire these people was made weeks ago and no one thought to ask IT to set up the accounts ahead of time. Thankfully our complaints to HR took care of most of these calls eventually.


Oh gods, I had forgotten about that. Finding equipment for them was also a nightmare. We had multiple contracts working out of the same facility, so each contract had its own equipment allowance. No single contract wanted to keep more than one or two spare machines to cover new hires, contracts refused to share or transfer unused equipment, and requisitions could take upwards of four weeks.

So, depending on the availability of computing equipment, RSA tokens, furniture (oh yes, you're good with a screwdriver... go put that desk together), network drops/capacity, etc... users brought in without prior notice to IT could sometimes end up sitting on their hands for a month or more. And, of course, it was always my fault.
 
2012-09-13 03:24:46 PM  
back in the 90s I worked for an ISP and it was pretty common for people to bring their Imacs into the office and demand to watch while "put" the internet on them.
 
2012-09-13 03:25:46 PM  

wmoonfox: So, depending on the availability of computing equipment, RSA tokens, furniture (oh yes, you're good with a screwdriver... go put that desk together), network drops/capacity, etc... users brought in without prior notice to IT could sometimes end up sitting on their hands for a month or more. And, of course, it was always my fault.


Reminds me of the department head who wondered why I couldn't just give the new hires the old computers we replaced 2 years ago after she had excessed them to be disposed of 18 months ago.
 
2012-09-13 03:26:28 PM  
How about "You work for me, now help those people do their job. If everyone here was computer litterate, we wouldn't need you."
 
2012-09-13 03:26:36 PM  
Because WinRAR has the ability to step outside of archive files and actually browse the computer, my boss is convinced that sending a client a RAR file will allow them to browse his computer.
 
2012-09-13 03:27:15 PM  

xnecron: Also, #2 is bullshiat.

Most users live in fear of a software or hardware refresh.


Where I work, we can't upgrade someone unless we upgrade everyone or there is serious butthurt that someone else got something they didn't.

Petty, yes, but pays the bills.
 
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