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(CNN)   *Ding* "Your junk is now free to move about the cabin"   (cnn.com) divider line 35
    More: Dumbass, Daniel Drinan, Denver Police Department, Denver International Airport, southwest, Southwest flight, United States Department of Justice, flights, recognizances  
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10111 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Sep 2012 at 4:11 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-09-11 02:23:36 AM  
The Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Denver Police Department are investigating the case, with Assistant U.S. Attorney James Allison in charge of the prosecution, according to the Justice Department.

Um, it's a dude masturbating on a plane. I don't think the FBI needs to be involved, or do they get involved with any crime that happens aboard a plane?
 
2012-09-11 04:16:25 AM  
Nevada man accused of fondling himself aboard Southwest flight

One does not fondle oneself. I'll accept "abuse," "pleasure" or "play with," but never in my entire masturbatory career have I ever "fondled" myself.

Maybe that's why I'm such a hardass, but to quote Cap'n Kirk, "I need my pain." 

/fark all y'all
 
2012-09-11 04:19:08 AM  

coco ebert: The Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Denver Police Department are investigating the case, with Assistant U.S. Attorney James Allison in charge of the prosecution, according to the Justice Department.

Um, it's a dude masturbating on a plane. I don't think the FBI needs to be involved, or do they get involved with any crime that happens aboard a plane?


A crime in US airspace would be a federal offence?
Probably is in Canada,
 
2012-09-11 04:21:09 AM  

coco ebert: Um, it's a dude masturbating on a plane. I don't think the FBI needs to be involved, or do they get involved with any crime that happens aboard a plane?


Interstate flight, don't want a bunch of smaller jurisdictions fighting to juris his small dick.
 
2012-09-11 04:22:27 AM  
god damn lazy ass... how hard would it have been to slip into the bathroom with your laptop?!?
Jesus..
 
2012-09-11 04:24:00 AM  
This man is only guilty of...

m.brobible.com

...hi-jacking.


(shamelessly stolen FTA comments section)
 
2012-09-11 04:24:48 AM  
When in doubt, Whip it out.
 
2012-09-11 04:28:46 AM  

coco ebert: The Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Denver Police Department are investigating the case, with Assistant U.S. Attorney James Allison in charge of the prosecution, according to the Justice Department.

Um, it's a dude masturbating on a plane. I don't think the FBI needs to be involved, or do they get involved with any crime that happens aboard a plane?


I understand the FBI takes hi-jacking very seriously.

(shamelessly stolen from...)
 
2012-09-11 04:31:22 AM  
4.bp.blogspot.com

I have had ENOUGH with these motherfarking jackoffs on this motherfarking plane...
 
2012-09-11 04:33:43 AM  
Is this about balls and wieners?
 
2012-09-11 04:36:25 AM  
Single-handedly joining the mile high club, will land you in jail.
 
2012-09-11 04:36:40 AM  
A male flight attendant arrived and, after finding the suspect's genitalia exposed, told him to "put his pants back together," according to the federal department.

This bloke must be hung like an elephant. Most people just unzip to have a quick hand-shandy, but he has to take apart his trousers for a wank.
 
2012-09-11 04:43:49 AM  

No Catchy Nickname: This bloke must be hung like an elephant. Most people just unzip to have a quick hand-shandy, but he has to take apart his trousers for a wank.


Or fat.
 
2012-09-11 04:45:31 AM  
I am sick of the sexual suppression of society's steerage-class.

The airline is just upset that he didn't pay $20,000 to upgrade to a first-class cabin suite. They don't explicitly advertise them as such, but the main appeal is that you get your own bed in which you can lie completely horizontal, masturbate, and then take a nap till you land.

Supposedly it's the only way to fly.

Well I'm sorry if this guy isn't all elitist with a first-class masturbatorium, like your Pat Buchanans and your George Wills, but he's got rights, just like all of us working stiffs.
 
2012-09-11 04:52:58 AM  
Who among us hasn't rubbed one out on those long overnight trans-oceanic flights when the lights are all off and everyone else is asleep? I know I've pleasured myself enough times to know that it's just one more curve in this thing we call the circle of life.

But even I know that if you gotta do it, do it in the lavatory where you'll at least have a modicum of privacy and no one is going to have you arrested for jerking it next to them.
 
2012-09-11 04:53:18 AM  

swingerofbirches: I am sick of the sexual suppression of society's steerage-class.

The airline is just upset that he didn't pay $20,000 to upgrade to a first-class cabin suite. They don't explicitly advertise them as such, but the main appeal is that you get your own bed in which you can lie completely horizontal, masturbate, and then take a nap till you land.

Supposedly it's the only way to fly.

Well I'm sorry if this guy isn't all elitist with a first-class masturbatorium, like your Pat Buchanans and your George Wills, but he's got rights, just like all of us working stiffs.


0/10
 
2012-09-11 04:53:36 AM  
We can either call in the FBI, or you can relent to a cock-punching. Your choice
 
2012-09-11 04:54:25 AM  

zerkalo: We can either call in the FBI, or you can relent to a cock-punching. Your choice


Can we at least wait until the swelling goes down before the cock-punch?
 
2012-09-11 04:57:55 AM  
I think the longest flight I ever took was 9 hours. I somehow managed to not molest myself or anyone else.
It's like that David Cross bit about airports selling porn magazines. "You know what I need on this flight? The world's filthiest ball-draining cum-mag!"
 
2012-09-11 05:17:20 AM  

p4p3rm4t3: swingerofbirches: I am sick of the sexual suppression of society's steerage-class.

The airline is just upset that he didn't pay $20,000 to upgrade to a first-class cabin suite. They don't explicitly advertise them as such, but the main appeal is that you get your own bed in which you can lie completely horizontal, masturbate, and then take a nap till you land.

Supposedly it's the only way to fly.

Well I'm sorry if this guy isn't all elitist with a first-class masturbatorium, like your Pat Buchanans and your George Wills, but he's got rights, just like all of us working stiffs.

0/10


0 out of 10 on humor? I thought it was pretty funny. I'm a creative writer, so I appreciate feedback, but I generally like more than a number.
 
2012-09-11 05:28:33 AM  
He should have paid $20 extra for the junk handling service.
 
2012-09-11 05:28:45 AM  

No Catchy Nickname: A male flight attendant arrived and, after finding the suspect's genitalia exposed, told him to "put his pants back together," according to the federal department.

This bloke must be hung like an elephant. Most people just unzip to have a quick hand-shandy, but he has to take apart his trousers for a wank.


That is pretty farking funny.
 
2012-09-11 05:31:33 AM  
Honestly I never use the 0/10 thing, it just seemed like you were trying to troll elitist scum bags, of which I'm fairly certain there are absolutely none on Fark. They are probably to busy fapping in private jet cabins all the while being surrounded by cheaper yet highly flammable jet fuel.
 
2012-09-11 06:33:12 AM  

Oznog: [4.bp.blogspot.com image 480x360]

I have had ENOUGH with these motherfarking jackoffs on this motherfarking plane...


Obviously the tin foil isn't working, because you read my mind.
 
2012-09-11 06:42:06 AM  

swingerofbirches: I am sick of the sexual suppression of society's steerage-class.

The airline is just upset that he didn't pay $20,000 to upgrade to a first-class cabin suite. They don't explicitly advertise them as such, but the main appeal is that you get your own bed in which you can lie completely horizontal, masturbate, and then take a nap till you land.

Supposedly it's the only way to fly.

Well I'm sorry if this guy isn't all elitist with a first-class masturbatorium, like your Pat Buchanans and your George Wills, but he's got rights, just like all of us working stiffs.


LOL :)

+1
 
2012-09-11 07:44:32 AM  
Self Mile-High!
 
2012-09-11 08:08:10 AM  

p4p3rm4t3: Single-handedly joining the mile high club, will land you in jail.


It's called the Solo Aviator Division.
 
2012-09-11 08:41:40 AM  
Southwest- Not all your bags fly free.
 
2012-09-11 09:02:35 AM  
Thanks a lot, Bin Laden!
 
2012-09-11 09:14:34 AM  
I thought this was the reason behind the signs in the loo asking to kindly wipe down the sink.
 
2012-09-11 09:26:53 AM  
"umm, ladies and gentlemen -- from the flight deck. This is Captain Smith and I'll be your pilot this evening. We'll be jacking at an altitude of 37,000 feet. We'll be passing over Pittsburg, St Louis and Omaha. The weather along our route is clear skies and visibility 80 miles. Should make for some fine stroking. We thank your for choosing Southwest for your transcontinental spooging and how your wank session is a pleasurable one."
 
2012-09-11 10:18:32 AM  
Did the Captain turn off the "No Fapping" sign? The articles doesn't mention this crucial detail.
 
2012-09-11 12:23:28 PM  
My flight from BWI to Vegas on Saturday shared a terminal with this flight, and now I find myself curious which of the dudes sitting near me this was.
 
2012-09-11 12:25:51 PM  
Prude. If I had noticed him I would have just ignored it. If it had been a nice looking woman I would have just watched or if I was close enough I would ask if she would like a hand.
 
2012-09-11 01:37:57 PM  

Curse of the Goth Kids: Nevada man accused of fondling himself aboard Southwest flight

One does not fondle oneself. I'll accept "abuse," "pleasure" or "play with," but never in my entire masturbatory career have I ever "fondled" myself.

Maybe that's why I'm such a hardass, but to quote Cap'n Kirk, "I need my pain." 

/fark all y'all


When you're getting close, fondle your balls a bit. It's a new experience...or so I'm told.
 
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