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(Cracked)   Six things that subby does at the office that apparently pisses everyone else off   (cracked.com) divider line 224
    More: Obvious, Girl Scout cookie, Make-A-Wish, Dog the Bounty Hunter, wars, Post-it  
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23474 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Sep 2012 at 3:09 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-09-08 12:39:38 PM  
Fundraisers. I get nickle and dimed with fundraisers. Just tell me when the girl scout cookies start selling, it's the only one I give a shiat about.
 
2012-09-08 12:42:26 PM  
footcare.ygoy.com

I like to go barefoot at my imaginary job.
 
2012-09-08 12:56:51 PM  
Heating fish in the microwave is faux pas #1.
 
2012-09-08 01:42:27 PM  
4.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-09-08 02:12:32 PM  
I gotta side with the OCD freaks for #1, not resetting the timer on the microwave.

That sh*t drives me up the wall.
 
2012-09-08 02:57:29 PM  
It's weird - I couldn't care less about whether the microwave is reset or not. But if it's sitting next to a stove, for example, and their digital clocks are, say 2 minutes apart, I get the compulsion to set the microwave so that they agree with each other.

The thermostat one gets me, too. If you're affected that much by a 2-degree temp gradient you're probably not getting outside enough. It's the worst when you're in a small office that's about to ice over because the menopausal woman next to the thermostat is having a hot flash.
 
2012-09-08 03:16:14 PM  
Our workplace solved the thermostat issue nearly 10 years ago. They had a thermostat lock box installed and only the site manager has access to the key. IIRC the lock box cost somewhere around $25 and took just a brief time to install.
 
2012-09-08 03:17:07 PM  
Lunch thieves! Had one a couple years ago that was taking people's lunches out of the refridge. I brought a little bowl of rice dressing (dirty rice) to work one day and laced it with just enough African bird pepper where I could eat it but most anyone else not use to it was going to be miserable.... Yep.. worked like a charm... turned out to be one of the women we pretty much suspected and it set her farking mouth on fire..... The whole office laughed at her for weeks.
 
2012-09-08 03:19:33 PM  
I have had to lead a fricking orientation where I was required to say that popcorn in the microwave was a firing offense. Then had to collect the papers where they signed 'I understand heating popcorn in a microwave will get me fired.' THEN collect the other papers where they said 'I understand heating food/drink in a microwave marked as not for food will get me fired.' Then attend the meeting where the fired guy said he didn't know that there was a zero tolerance policy for using a microwave marked 'not for food use' in a tissue culture lab (marked 'do not bring food or drink into this room') to burn his popcorn.

srsly.

/Having to evacuate the building while running a test that costs $1000 a pop, and being required to abandon the work, should come out of someone's pay.
 
2012-09-08 03:20:01 PM  
Cropdusting...
 
2012-09-08 03:20:23 PM  
Fundraisers are the worst. Yes, if it's your kid's surgery or trip to save the nocturnal wombat of Indo-Burma. No if it's for Girl Scout Cookies and I don't even know the name of your kid. Hell no if it's your kid raising funds for her band uniforms and she never shows up at the office.


Potlucks are fine, but I think we need to get HR involved if fruitcakes or Jello molds with fruit arrive. Those things are wrong on many levels. On the other hand, if someone makes puppy chow they should be given a raise.
 
2012-09-08 03:22:25 PM  
Banana peels in an office/cube wastebasket...makes the whole place smell like a dumpster. And at my last job, the constant collections for every flippin thing. She's having a baby! She's sick! She's engaged! His relative died! He tripped and fell on the sidewalk!
 
2012-09-08 03:22:38 PM  
#1. Failing to Reset the Timer on the Microwave

Gd right, it's number one. That drives me batshiat.
 
2012-09-08 03:24:03 PM  

Abox: Banana peels in an office/cube wastebasket...makes the whole place smell like a dumpster.


Also this. And if there is fruit fly research in that building, you should be killed to death repeatedly for this offense.
 
2012-09-08 03:24:41 PM  

2wolves: Heating fish in the microwave is faux pas #1.


Curry dishes are a close second
 
2012-09-08 03:26:30 PM  
Amen on the fundraiser thing. And I say that having a daughter in Girl Scounts. I'm not terribly bothered if it's someone I'm close with and they come up and make a personal appeal with the caveat, "You know how it is." But these lazy good for nothing assholes that just drop the sheet in a breakroom expecting it to be filled out by everyone that comes in, or someone you recognize but don't actually know knocking on your office door with sheet in hand? Kiss my farking ass.

Probably the same dickheads that burn popcorn in the microwave.....
 
2012-09-08 03:26:33 PM  
I work in an office where the temperature is poorly controlled. But it's a hospital, so our thermostat is purely an aesthetic item.

Our main problems are :
1. Coworker who removes shoes and traipses around all day after gracing us with stories about how she has to put deoderant on her feet every morning.

2. Microwaving your stank lunch. The microwave is in a narrow hallway that all offices are located on, and the airflow does not help.

3. It used to be the "Your mother does not work here" signs. I think I took care of this when I inadvertently (on purpose) told the sign maker "my mother doesn't work here because she wouldn't put up with all these passive-aggressive signs. Someone needs to nut up and air it out." Now all the signs are sickeningly sweet.

I still wouldn't go back to retail work if you paid me, though.
 
2012-09-08 03:27:26 PM  
If you cook in the microwave COVER YOUR GODDAMN FOOD WHILE IT'S COOKING or at least wipe it out when you are done.
 
2012-09-08 03:27:34 PM  
The hell with all of those. DEATH to people who can't listen to their voice mail without putting it on speakerphone with the volume turned to "everyone needs to know my business!"
 
2012-09-08 03:27:54 PM  
I'll see your weak coffee issue, and raise you with a secretary who does the office's shopping and who can't be convinced to buy good coffee. She regularly buys this flavored shiat that doesn't have much caffeine to begin with, and then brews it weak. And then acts hurt when people rush to beat her to brewing a new pot.

/also insists she needs the boss's permission to buy better coffee, and usually forgets to ask
 
2012-09-08 03:28:00 PM  

bim1154: Lunch thieves! Had one a couple years ago that was taking people's lunches out of the refridge. I brought a little bowl of rice dressing (dirty rice) to work one day and laced it with just enough African bird pepper where I could eat it but most anyone else not use to it was going to be miserable.... Yep.. worked like a charm... turned out to be one of the women we pretty much suspected and it set her farking mouth on fire..... The whole office laughed at her for weeks.


img585.imageshack.us
Let's just call it what it is, food rapist.

We had the same thing a few years ago, but a guy put a laxative into a dish. It was there for a couple days before it disappeared. The problem stopped after that and we suddenly had a very angry saleswoman for about a week. Can't prove it, but yeah.
 
2012-09-08 03:28:22 PM  
I don't have the money because I'm funding my own at-home charity.
No one donates to it.
And I don't donate to them.

If I had money because the charity work at home was gone, then I'd donate.

However, I will potluck anytime...food is good.

/got my own damn personal coffeemaker...argument solved.
 
2012-09-08 03:29:40 PM  
You know, it takes like half a second to lift your arm and push the clear button if the microwave is set incorrectly. It doesn't even require looking at long enough to get annoyed by it. I'd say that is the least egregious of the offenses on the list. My first would be talking about family at the office. I don't care who / what you're farking, what your mom said, what her mom said, that your kid is fat or that your dog is sick. STFU and GBTW.
 
2012-09-08 03:30:00 PM  
Yeah. Not resetting the microwave timer is like leaving the toilet seat up. Oh you can't be bothered to take one extra step so you make me do it.
 
2012-09-08 03:31:38 PM  
#1 irks the hell out of me.
It also irks me when people refuse to replace the water cooler bottle when they empty it
and don't get me started on douche nozzles who leave 3 ounces of coffee in the pot and walk away like its no big deal.
 
2012-09-08 03:32:12 PM  

gadian: You know, it takes like half a second to lift your arm and push the clear button if the microwave is set incorrectly. It doesn't even require looking at long enough to get annoyed by it. I'd say that is the least egregious of the offenses on the list. My first would be talking about family at the office. I don't care who / what you're farking, what your mom said, what her mom said, that your kid is fat or that your dog is sick. STFU and GBTW.


You're not an empathetic person are you?
 
2012-09-08 03:32:34 PM  

gimmechocolate: The hell with all of those. DEATH to people who can't listen to their voice mail without putting it on speakerphone with the volume turned to "everyone needs to know my business!"


This. fark those people
 
2012-09-08 03:32:40 PM  
With all the Cracked hate, can we all take a moment to reflect on the fact that this was a pretty good list?

Anyways, their description of the coffee rift is spot on. People just want an excuse to get angry.

FTA:
Once a coffee divide arises in your office, it's nearly impossible to stop it from exploding into unbridled chaos. The problem is, neither side knows that the other has struck until they've actually poured a cup of coffee and had a taste. But that's beside the point. Even if it's common knowledge that Jane in accounting shows up 10 minutes before anyone else and makes the "weak" coffee, Rhonda in marketing, who prefers stronger coffee, will pour a cup, go through whatever elaborate Splenda packet and non-dairy creamer ritual is standard and walk all the way back to her desk before trying it out. She knows full well what she's about to taste and that she could have avoided this by just jumping on the next pot of coffee or whatever, but she will complain to her strong-coffee-drinkers-in-arms nevertheless, because petty complaints are the fuel that keep the engine running in any office
 
2012-09-08 03:32:41 PM  

Dafodude: It's weird - I couldn't care less about whether the microwave is reset or not. But if it's sitting next to a stove, for example, and their digital clocks are, say 2 minutes apart, I get the compulsion to set the microwave so that they agree with each other.

The thermostat one gets me, too. If you're affected that much by a 2-degree temp gradient you're probably not getting outside enough. It's the worst when you're in a small office that's about to ice over because the menopausal woman next to the thermostat is having a hot flash.



DO NOT FARK with the menopausal woman guarding the thermostat.

She's likely to take a mood-swing at you.
 
2012-09-08 03:33:28 PM  
I don't have an issue with any of these things.

-Thermostat is solved by it simply not doing shiat.
-Coffee maker, no their is a third group in this. The wtf are packets group, if you bring packets in you are getting tossed out. Who ever makes it makes it how they like it, deal with it be happy there is coffeeat all.
-Kid fundraisers, girl scout cookies yes, everything else no one even bothers because no one cares.
-Potlucks, we get together anyways so no problems there.
-Burned microwave popcorn, never had this problem, as it turns out when you follow the directions for making popcorn you don't burn it.
-Resetting the microwave, I have no clue where they found it but the timer automatically resets.
 
2012-09-08 03:34:05 PM  
Once a year or so mass emails get sent out about lunch thieves. Microwave popcorn is also prohibited because apparently several years ago someone burnt the fark out of a bag while the CEO was visiting and he banned it.

Putting your stuff in the microwave and then leaving for well past how long it's going to take is a douche move. So is parking your SUV in the spaces marked "compact".
 
2012-09-08 03:34:52 PM  

Shostie: I gotta side with the OCD freaks for #1, not resetting the timer on the microwave.

That sh*t drives me up the wall.


trolledbot.net

I had never even considered this IRL troll.

My personal rage is whoever keeps using the ice cubes and putting the EMPTY trays back in the freezer. ALL FARKING 5 OF THEM.
 
Pud [TotalFark]
2012-09-08 03:35:23 PM  
On the pot luck "thing". I've always made my garlic mashed potatoes with raw garlic and a tiny bit of raw onion. That's just the way I have always had it, and thought that was how they were made. I proudly brought a giant bowel of it to one of these gatherings with enough to feed 20 people (as a side dish of course). Everyone was complaining "HOLY shiat, DID YOU EVEN COOK THE GARLIC?" with tears in their eyes from the intensity of it. I took home an empty bowel though.

/I even suspect somebody may have licked the bowel clean, but try to put that out of my mind due to the "eeewww" factor.
 
2012-09-08 03:35:28 PM  
Our back shop, where UPS delivers, has a back shop guy who's continually confused as to who gets what package. Thus, I'm forever getting boxes for POs that I don't recognize.

Also:

* The one guy who needs to PRINT every email, lose the printed piece, then ask you to resend it so he can print/lose it AGAIN.
* Unattended items in the fridge that sit for 6 months. Ewww
* Network cabling in the ceiling that nobody can figure out.
* IP address wars
* People who still insist on using a fax machine.
* Low flush toilet that doesn't, people who won't double flush.
* Front lobby now golf club storage for lazy salesfolks. Because they can't carry it another 50 ft to their cube.
* Get on the phone, suddenly there's 50 people outside your office looking for you.

/Life at a small firm.
//Really, this job rocks.
 
2012-09-08 03:36:17 PM  

Moron Police: Cropdusting...


cdn.ebaumsworld.com

Staples your shenanigans
 
2012-09-08 03:37:01 PM  
I work in TV. Popcorn took us off the air on several networks, once.

Some secretary on the office drone side of the building threw a bag in and added an extra zero by accident, then walked away.

The popcorn started smoking so bad it triggered the fire suppression system. Thankfully the system only reacted to the smoke, and noted there was no heat, so it didn't release the NOVAC or sprinklers. It did, however, shut down the air handlers building wide. The server rooms heated up before anyone on our side of the building knew what had happened and started causing playout issues.

And some guy keeps microwaving fish. He's an ass.
 
2012-09-08 03:37:03 PM  

Don't Troll Me Bro!: bim1154: Lunch thieves! Had one a couple years ago that was taking people's lunches out of the refridge. I brought a little bowl of rice dressing (dirty rice) to work one day and laced it with just enough African bird pepper where I could eat it but most anyone else not use to it was going to be miserable.... Yep.. worked like a charm... turned out to be one of the women we pretty much suspected and it set her farking mouth on fire..... The whole office laughed at her for weeks.

[img585.imageshack.us image 639x352]
Let's just call it what it is, food rapist.

We had the same thing a few years ago, but a guy put a laxative into a dish. It was there for a couple days before it disappeared. The problem stopped after that and we suddenly had a very angry saleswoman for about a week. Can't prove it, but yeah.


We had a lunch thief going around and one of the guys put in a motion activated webcam over the weekend without telling anyone. He caught the asshole by the middle of the following week. The worst part: Not only had he been eating lunches, he was unsealing people's ziplocked sandwhiches and lifting the bread to see what was on them and then would put them back in the bag if it wasn't to his liking.

You practically have to murder someone to get fired at my company, but he was gone by the end of the day and the paperwork sorted out later.
 
2012-09-08 03:37:09 PM  

gimmechocolate: The hell with all of those. DEATH to people who can't listen to their voice mail without putting it on speakerphone with the volume turned to "everyone needs to know my business!"


Almost as annoying as people that use that Push-to-talk feature on their cell and treat their phone like a walkie-talkie, with that annoying fricking chime whenever they push or release the talk button.
 
2012-09-08 03:37:48 PM  

Pud: bowel

??
 
2012-09-08 03:38:08 PM  
How about Bring Your Child to Work Day?

Don't get me wrong, I like kids. I have two myself. The problem I have is that whoever brings their kid to work stops being productive for the day so they can entertain their kids.
 
2012-09-08 03:38:10 PM  
1) Modern buildings do not have individual thermostats and if they do they're just for looks--everything is centrally controlled.
2) Haven't all offices moved to k-cups or other single serve systems?
3) In my office it's the save-the-animals crowd. They certainly are farking annoying.
4) I think we had an office potluck once. I didn't go. I don't trust my co-workers hygiene.
5) No microwave popcorn in the office. Everyone knows that by now, surely.
6) I don't use the office microwave. See aforementioned hygiene.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with my office situation. I just hate the overlords at HQ.
 
2012-09-08 03:40:08 PM  
With many microwaves, if you don't clear the timer or just let it finish it won't reset the heating mechanism and will make it burn out faster and need to be replaced. I usually clear the timer if I see it blinking or whatever, but I'm not a Nazi about it. No need to write freakin' notes and stuff.
 
2012-09-08 03:40:47 PM  
I do what I want!:

1. come to work sick, tell everyone I'm saving my sick days to take the kids to Disney.
2. trim moustache & nose hair in men's room, walk out leaving it all over the place.
3. make prank calls to the old biatches in Customer Service, tell them I wanna see their Tramp Stamps.
4. prank co-workers by leaving jizz loads on their seat / phone / lunch etcetera.
5. take out my boss, get him drunk & laid. next day reveal 'she' was a 'he', send pics around office.
6. take revenge on manager who passed me over for a promotion by getting his teen daughter pregnant.
 
2012-09-08 03:40:57 PM  

Bathia_Mapes: Our workplace solved the thermostat issue nearly 10 years ago. They had a thermostat lock box installed and only the site manager has access to the key. IIRC the lock box cost somewhere around $25 and took just a brief time to install.


The battle lines: Females who are always "too cold" but won't wear sweaters due to fashion and "hot-blooded" males who break into a sweat when lifting a pen.

Much of how temperature is perceived is psychological.

A HVAC tech let me in on a little secret: Install the "real" thermostat in a manager's office, and have a "dummy" one outside that the employees can "play" with that does nothing but gives the illusion of control (like those "press-to-walk" buttons on traffic signals). Having a "do not touch on pain of death" sign on the dummy or putting a lock box over it (easily circumvented with a bent paper clip) only adds to the illusion.
 
2012-09-08 03:41:42 PM  

Cluckity: 2) Haven't all offices moved to k-cups or other single serve systems?


i.dailymail.co.uk

Those k-cups look like they could serve more than one.
 
2012-09-08 03:41:55 PM  

Mawson of the Antarctic: Yeah. Not resetting the microwave timer is like leaving the toilet seat up. Oh you I can't be bothered to take one extra step so you make me I'll do it and then whine like a little biatch.


Could you have come up with a more piss-poor analogy? Those are almost completely opposite, and totally unrelated.

Pun definitely intended. But seriously, people just need to put the seat where they need it because it's their responsibility anyway. And if there's a lid everyone should be closing it before they flush. Take some farking personal responsibility if it bothers you that goddamn much.
 
Pud [TotalFark]
2012-09-08 03:43:01 PM  

texdent: Pud: bowel??


Didn't sleep last night, and posted before the coffee was ready after waking from a nap. My bad, but it looks like a good opportunity to have fun at my expense with it.

/Sorry
 
2012-09-08 03:48:03 PM  

texdent: You're not an empathetic person are you?


I'm a terribly empathetic person. I just don't want to hear about non-work drama at work. Take that shiat to HR if you need to cry on someone's shoulder. Wanna go out for drinks later and whine about getting dumped? Great. Stuff it until 5:00 or take the afternoon off. Gossiping about work drama is fine though, but don't take that shiat home or to the bar.
 
2012-09-08 03:48:57 PM  
The ones i hate the most are the "nutritionists" who are constantly telling everyone about their new diet or herbal remedy that works wonders. Yes i know I'm a slave to big ag and whatnot, but your vinegar/maple syrup/tabasco/lemon water liver cleanse is not my thing. And yes i know i will lose more weight if i switch to a raw/organic/vegan/paleo diet, but i'm fine with just eating less and working out.
 
2012-09-08 03:49:25 PM  
Oh, I forgot: group-wide emails with no subject, or that contain dumb shiat like "Happy National Clean Your Fireplace Day!" Not to mention the "reply all: Me too!" people.
 
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