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(io9)   5 Most Unpleasant Ways To Die In Ancient Times   (io9.com) divider line 86
    More: Sick, roasts, eels  
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14295 clicks; posted to Geek » on 06 Sep 2012 at 4:10 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-09-06 03:45:00 PM
I disagree with the ending comment about the genteel Middle Ages. Being forced to drink molten lead and fed your own intestines seems a little bit worse. Plus the whole drawn and quartered thing. And taking 3 days to die.
 
2012-09-06 04:12:17 PM
I was always partial to the punishment for patricide- tied up in a sack with a monkey, dog, and chicken, then thrown in the Tiber. Good times.
 
2012-09-06 04:12:50 PM
"Having your nuts bit off by a Laplander" would have also been accepted.
 
2012-09-06 04:14:20 PM
FTFA:: 2. Death by giant singing bull

image.shutterstock.com
 
2012-09-06 04:15:55 PM
People are such dicks
 
2012-09-06 04:18:01 PM
So, can we agree the whole "milk and honey" thing is either made up or death by dehydration?
 
2012-09-06 04:25:40 PM
What a crappy list. There are FAR better ones out there, the description of the Brazen Bull is a good example of just how badly this list fails. That description is about as imaginative as if a 5th grader had written it.
 
2012-09-06 04:26:17 PM
Death by Power Point
 
2012-09-06 04:26:55 PM

GameSprocket: So, can we agree the whole "milk and honey" thing is either made up or death by dehydration?


it sounds like they would force you to continue eating and drinking, which would preclude dehydration. plus, the account said it took 14 or 17 days to die and the flesh was all gone (i already forgot how many days it said)... dehydration usually takes a person in 3-5.
 
2012-09-06 04:30:44 PM
no death by Ru Ru?
 
2012-09-06 04:44:48 PM
I prefer death by Snu-snu....
 
2012-09-06 04:51:33 PM

Cheron: Death by Power Point


A modern-day torture practiced in government and corporation, perfected at the Pentagon.
 
2012-09-06 05:05:09 PM

I_Am_Weasel: "Having your nuts bit off by a Laplander" would have also been accepted.


content8.flixster.com

At least you didn't get your nose bitten off by a SAIGON WHORE!
 
2012-09-06 05:08:47 PM
DEATH! By.... OOONGA BOOONGA!!!!!
 
2012-09-06 05:10:35 PM

SnakeLee: People are such dicks


And we wonder why alien life and deities don't talk to us...
 
2012-09-06 05:16:40 PM

Dracolich: SnakeLee: People are such dicks

And we wonder why alien life and deities don't talk to us...


Are you kidding? Who do you think was double dog daring us into doing it?
 
2012-09-06 05:17:05 PM
AAAAAAH NOT THE BEES
 
2012-09-06 05:23:24 PM
Wasn't there some dark age punishment for homosexuality that involved the accused being hung upside down with their legs apart while people ran a two person saw between?
 
2012-09-06 05:24:49 PM
The Catherine Wheel is still scarier to me than any of those.
 
2012-09-06 05:29:28 PM

unlikely: The Catherine Wheel is still scarier to me than any of those.


The Viking blood eagle is pretty close to the bottom on the list of ways I want to die.
 
2012-09-06 05:30:31 PM
upload.wikimedia.org
 
2012-09-06 05:31:42 PM

Jormungandr: Wasn't there some dark age punishment for homosexuality that involved the accused being hung upside down with their legs apart while people ran a two person saw between?


www.oddee.com 

It was used for everything - witchcraft, adultery, theft, whatever.
 
2012-09-06 05:32:35 PM

To The Escape Zeppelin!: The Viking blood eagle is pretty close to the bottom on the list of ways I want to die.


Nah, I think that was fairly quick when compared to all the other shiat we do to each other.
 
2012-09-06 05:32:56 PM

To The Escape Zeppelin!: unlikely: The Catherine Wheel is still scarier to me than any of those.

The Viking blood eagle is pretty close to the bottom on the list of ways I want to die.


The blood eagle is at least fairly quick, the Catherine Wheel takes quite a while to kill a person.
 
2012-09-06 05:33:50 PM

Uncle Tractor: [upload.wikimedia.org image 640x470]


Ah yes, the Pear. Simple, but very nasty indeed.
 
2012-09-06 05:43:28 PM
Yeah, #2 pretty much sucks... the rack and being drawn and quartered are also not very fun.

seansturm.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-09-06 05:44:05 PM
That "cooking people in the cow" thing was in a movie I just saw recently but can't remember the title of.

It kind of sucked.
 
2012-09-06 05:45:47 PM
This is why the 8th amendment forbids cruel and unusual punishment, folks!
 
2012-09-06 05:48:24 PM

Rent Party: That "cooking people in the cow" thing was in a movie I just saw recently but can't remember the title of.

It kind of sucked.


The Immortals?
 
2012-09-06 05:51:36 PM

Girion47: Rent Party: That "cooking people in the cow" thing was in a movie I just saw recently but can't remember the title of.

It kind of sucked.

The Immortals?


I think that might be it!

* google *

Yep!

It kind of sucked.
 
2012-09-06 05:56:46 PM

Kurmudgeon: This is why the 8th amendment forbids cruel and unusual punishment, folks!


I'm all for the reinstatement of the guillotine - as long as the blade is razor sharp.
 
2012-09-06 06:00:25 PM
ISTR reading about a much worse ancient death.

Evidently the Romans didn't use loo roll. Instead, their public toilets used a sponge on a stick that was kept in a small bucket of water. The story I read was of a slave who escaped gladiatorial combat by forcing the wet, shiatty sponge down his throat and choking himself to death.

Yummy.
 
2012-09-06 06:03:54 PM

Gordon Bennett: ISTR reading about a much worse ancient death.

Evidently the Romans didn't use loo roll. Instead, their public toilets used a sponge on a stick that was kept in a small bucket of water. The story I read was of a slave who escaped gladiatorial combat by forcing the wet, shiatty sponge down his throat and choking himself to death.

Yummy.


And thus the phrase stircus finem in baculo was born
 
2012-09-06 06:04:52 PM

Rent Party: That "cooking people in the cow" thing was in a movie I just saw recently but can't remember the title of.

It kind of sucked.


The bull made me think of this:

upload.wikimedia.org

Not a movie. Definitely did not suck.

/the saw is in it too
//and more
 
2012-09-06 06:07:17 PM
Checked list for at least perfunctory mention of the brazing bull and scaphism, left...can't really say satisfied, disturbed being a bit more appropriate.

(And not sweating the lack of medieval torturing-to-death, we're talking pre-medieval death methods; let's just say the Middle Ages got damn inventive on fun ways to kill people painfully in Europe, much less in the Orient. The latter actually had this chair that was LITERALLY the "death of a thousand cuts" that condemned traitors were forced to sit in...among other things.)
 
2012-09-06 06:07:29 PM
No "blood eagle"?
 
2012-09-06 06:13:33 PM
I'm up for death by snu-snu.
 
2012-09-06 06:16:44 PM
Pretty weak list. People got quite a bit more inventive than that.
 
2012-09-06 06:39:53 PM

Kurmudgeon: This is why the 8th amendment forbids cruel and unusual punishment, folks!


And now we've decided that it also covers lack of cable and the government being unwilling to pay for your sex change operation.
 
2012-09-06 06:50:10 PM
Came for "Drawn, Quartered and disemboweled" which according to one of my Criminal Justice professors back in college was the punishment for pickpocketing.

Especially gruesome was his description of them cutting open the area just above the groin, reaching in with knife in hand to cut the intestines off at the anus, then slowly pulling it out and attaching it to the wheel they used to slowly pull out the intestines, until the you reached the end, then they yanked it hard to pull out your esophagus.

/Good times.
 
2012-09-06 06:51:12 PM
The ancients were amateurs.
img837.imageshack.us
 
2012-09-06 06:56:50 PM

unlikely: Jormungandr: Wasn't there some dark age punishment for homosexuality that involved the accused being hung upside down with their legs apart while people ran a two person saw between?

[www.oddee.com image 225x310] 

It was used for everything - witchcraft, adultery, theft, whatever.


When you have a saw, everything looks like a log
 
2012-09-06 07:00:25 PM
I could find 5 things just the Mongols did that were worse. And Suetonious wrote "history" based off the most tawdry tabloids of Roman times, especially when it comes to Tiberius, so his accounts are always a little suspect.
 
2012-09-06 07:01:10 PM
There was a Brazen Bull is Saw 3D, that's all I've got to say except for "fark that" in regards to every one of them.

www.fearnet.com
 
2012-09-06 07:26:32 PM

Mikey1969: What a crappy list. There are FAR better ones out there, the description of the Brazen Bull is a good example of just how badly this list fails. That description is about as imaginative as if a 5th grader had written it.


Heh, the 1000 Ways to Die episode did a better job and that's saying a lot.
 
2012-09-06 07:39:55 PM
Yeah, that was a pussy list. I remember some horseshiat Medieval history class I has to take and the rat in the can from Game of Thrones was one of them but child's play. No mention of a pair of pliers and a blowtorch though.
 
2012-09-06 07:40:09 PM

red5ish: The ancients were amateurs.


That won't kill you; it'll only make you wish you were dead.
 
2012-09-06 07:59:02 PM
The scariest way I would think would be to be at the mercy of a sadistic doctor who systematically starts removing body parts over a long period of time, but keeps the patient alive.
 
2012-09-06 08:00:49 PM

PsyLord: Kurmudgeon: This is why the 8th amendment forbids cruel and unusual punishment, folks!

I'm all for the reinstatement of the guillotine - as long as the blade is razor sharp.


Why?

If we were honest with ourselves, executions would be performed by nitrogen asphyxiation. Cheap, dead simple to perform. No mess. No toxins. No risk to the guards or executioners. Painless.
 
2012-09-06 08:02:30 PM

nmemkha: The scariest way I would think would be to be at the mercy of a sadistic doctor who systematically starts removing body parts over a long period of time, but keeps the patient alive.


Boxing Helena.
 
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