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(Cracked)   Hate it when movies seem too fake? Here are five true stories that were removed from movies because they were too realistic   (cracked.com) divider line 58
    More: Obvious, Dillingered, Cloverfield, von Stauffenberg, Johnny Depp, just the fact, Tom Cruise, Statue of Liberty, hate  
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20670 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 04 Sep 2012 at 2:13 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-09-04 01:29:02 PM
List fails without Audie Murphy.
 
2012-09-04 02:13:19 PM
Too realistic?
 
2012-09-04 02:21:02 PM
Too realistic: Cracked.com blocked by Websense.
 
2012-09-04 02:24:39 PM

King Something: List fails without Audie Murphy.


I think cracked has at least one, if not more, articles dedicated to Murphy's badassery.
 
2012-09-04 02:24:47 PM
Wow, a cracked article that didn't annoy the crap out of me and actually kept me interested enough to finish. Maybe they have new blood in their writing staff.
 
2012-09-04 02:25:30 PM
Not listed: the new Superman movie.
 
2012-09-04 02:26:12 PM

LeroyBourne: Wow, a cracked article that didn't annoy the crap out of me and actually kept me interested enough to finish. Maybe they have new blood in their writing staff.


It won't last long.
 
2012-09-04 02:29:14 PM

LeroyBourne: Wow, a cracked article that didn't annoy the crap out of me and actually kept me interested enough to finish. Maybe they have new blood in their writing staff.


I was expecting to hate it, but I thought this one was ok.
 
2012-09-04 02:31:17 PM
Truth being stranger than fiction: the Gladiators actually shilling products in ancient Rome.

*sigh*
 
2012-09-04 02:32:16 PM
Also, Amon Goeth was even more monstrous than Spielberg showed him to be in "Schindler's List".
 
2012-09-04 02:35:28 PM
I did not know that the real life Omar was with the TV Omar in that scene.

And I always thought the "Spiderman Shiat" scene was a little over the top. Guess not.
 
2012-09-04 02:40:35 PM
Fire in the sky?
 
2012-09-04 02:45:23 PM
TFA: They even had their own freaking action figures: Here's a gladiator figurine from that era that still survives, though sadly someone misplaced all the accessories and the file card.

washington.edu

This one originally came with a little spring-loaded rocket launcher, but had no kung fu grip.
In the end, they cut all that stuff, because to most people, it would look as realistic as the Genie from Aladdin putting on a Goofy hat and a Hawaiian shirt. Hey, maybe when they do movies about Jersey Shore 1,500 years from now, no one will believe that shiat was real either.


Why did they use farking Aladdin for reference and not the Disney movie with actual grecoroman stuff that featured a hero who endorsed products and whose face was plastered across the land and even got figurines made in his likeness? It's even a plot point of the movie...

2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-09-04 02:52:44 PM
 
2012-09-04 02:53:00 PM
I think it was Twain who pointed out 'real life is that which doesn't have to be realistic.'

I can't find the quote now, but it's one everyone who's taken a writing class should have learned.

/'I don't care that it *really* happened that way, it's still bad writing'
 
2012-09-04 02:53:31 PM
List fails without real-life Tarzan balancing his checkbook. It is Cracked after all.

Oh, and YOUR BLOG SUCKS!
 
2012-09-04 03:08:55 PM

Bith Set Me Up: Also, Amon Goeth was even more monstrous than Spielberg showed him to be in "Schindler's List".


Goeth was so twisted, the SS discharged him and he got committed to a mental institution. When the SS would rather you stayed the hell away, that's pretty much the gold standard of crazy.
 
2012-09-04 03:14:11 PM

Bith Set Me Up: Also, Amon Goeth was even more monstrous than Spielberg showed him to be in "Schindler's List".


I heard some of the holocaust survivor's that were on set actually started having panic attacks and freak outs after seeing Ray Fiennes in his Amon Goeth costume..
 
2012-09-04 03:18:59 PM
Yeesh, just post this link instead of some warmed-over Cracked shiat.
 
2012-09-04 03:25:54 PM
 
2012-09-04 03:29:27 PM

rocky_howard: Why did they use farking Aladdin for reference and not the Disney movie with actual grecoroman stuff that featured a hero who endorsed products and whose face was plastered across the land and even got figurines made in his likeness? It's even a plot point of the movie...


Because its realistic points were more accurate than its mythological ones, which doesn't sound all that bad until you realize that the movie was supposed to be based on a freaking myth.
 
2012-09-04 03:33:10 PM
That sucked even by Cracked standards
 
2012-09-04 03:40:49 PM
Comedy was added to this originally serious documentary feature to lessen any accusations of over-the-top ridiculousness.

www.posterspoint.com
 
2012-09-04 03:44:12 PM
Is that Obama 2016 movie on the list?
 
2012-09-04 03:47:11 PM
King Something: List fails without Audie Murphy.

Simo Häyhä Laughs at Audie Murphy's small body count
 
2012-09-04 03:54:35 PM
i.crackedcdn.com
Too bad they took that out of the package, it would've been worth a fortune.
 
2012-09-04 04:07:40 PM

GungFu: Comedy was added to this originally serious documentary feature to lessen any accusations of over-the-top ridiculousness.

[www.posterspoint.com image 233x360]


Do you know where i can find the version with Otto?
 
2012-09-04 04:24:31 PM
Even more impressive:

-- In "The Wire" Omar is shot and killed by a ten year-old boy. In reality the person upon whom Omar was based was killed by a developing fetus in his then-pregnant girlfriend. The fetus convinced his mother to feed "Omar" bad mussels.

-- Von Stauffenburg's three missing fingers were in fact grafted below his penis, enabling him to offer his wife various pink/stink configurations not found in nature. He also delighted his children every Christmas by dropping his pants and doing Zoidberg impressions while drunk.

-- Dillinger could fart the Bill of Rights, but only while sleeping. The 2nd Amendment always smelled better than the other amendments.

-- The green patina on the Statue of Liberty came from workers urinating on her during construction. The origins of the hard clear residue around her mouth and anus are less certain.

-- Russell Crowe was not the first choice to play Gluteus Maximus in "Gladiator". The director originally wanted Mel Gibson, but was put off by Mel's insistence on replacing the Christians with Jews and the lions with Republicans during the arena scenes.
 
2012-09-04 04:28:57 PM
Bridge Too Far...various scenes. William Goldman describes well in Adventures in the Screen Trade...
 
2012-09-04 04:57:22 PM

Oldiron_79: King Something: List fails without Audie Murphy.

Simo Häyhä Laughs at Audie Murphy's small body count


Simo Häyhä didn't have a biopic made by movie producers who had a "crisis" over his badassery.

Both are legendary baddasses, but Murphy's movie was better, more realistic and closer to actual history than Häyhä's movie by default.

/Russia surrendered the day Häyhä woke up, after taking enough land from the Finns to bury their dead
 
2012-09-04 05:00:02 PM
Little known fact -- they had to tone down the sex in "Nailin' Palin".
 
2012-09-04 05:23:58 PM

King Something: List fails without Audie Murphy.

 
2012-09-04 05:50:38 PM
Klaus von Stauffenberg was a tall blond Prussian aristocrat with a distinguished military history and a noble family. He was portrayed in the movie by this:

cache.gawker.com

A short dumpy actor with a squeaky voice who believes in space aliens. How sad is that.
 
2012-09-04 05:52:37 PM

Allen262: King Something: List fails without Audie Murphy.


They have done him to death, here are 3 cracked articles about Audie. Including mention of his acting career.

Link 1
Link 2
Link 3
 
2012-09-04 06:01:58 PM
List would've been better with a mention of Rambo 4. Lots of people complained about the over-the-top violence enacted by the Burmese military. The reality is actually worse.
 
2012-09-04 06:08:49 PM
Take all the drugs you see Michael Alig and James St. James consuming in "Party Monster". Now multiply that by a factor of about 2 or 3; that's a much closer account of just how many drugs the Club Kids took on a regular basis. The filmmakers were told to tone it down for fear that it would seem ridiculous and satirical. 

/"I won't do crack without heroin!"
 
2012-09-04 06:25:36 PM

karmaceutical: Is that Obama 2016 movie on the list?


oh_you.jpg
 
2012-09-04 06:30:48 PM

Gyrfalcon: Klaus von Stauffenberg was a tall blond Prussian aristocrat with a distinguished military history and a noble family. He was portrayed in the movie by this:

[cache.gawker.com image 250x303]

A short dumpy actor with a squeaky voice who believes in space aliens. How sad is that.


Should have been done by this guy instead (and Jack Reacher too):

media.monstersandcritics.com
 
2012-09-04 06:32:02 PM
Capt Linda Bray is one of my best friends. After her experience, Hollywood came knocking and part of what they proposed was that Lynda Carter, a 6' tall brunette, play her. Linda is 4'11", 95 lbs soaking wet, and blonde. She didn't like the script and wouldn't sign off on it because they wanted to dramatize the story in a way that had nothing to do with her experience, so Hollywood retreated to re-work it. They came back a year later to say the project had been dropped, and that "Courage Under Fire" with Meg Ryan was under development and much more exciting than the story that really happened.

Linda is cool with it. She's a very private person. Though I would have like to have seen the movie get made if only so she could retire and not have to work anymore.
 
2012-09-04 06:52:11 PM

Flappyhead: LeroyBourne: Wow, a cracked article that didn't annoy the crap out of me and actually kept me interested enough to finish. Maybe they have new blood in their writing staff.

It won't last long.


Somebody let me know when they stop forcing 5-point "articles" into a two page ad-whoring format.
 
2012-09-04 07:00:40 PM

Gyrfalcon: Klaus von Stauffenberg was a tall blond Prussian aristocrat with a distinguished military history and a noble family. He was portrayed in the movie by this:

[cache.gawker.com image 250x303]

A short dumpy actor with a squeaky voice who believes in space aliens. How sad is that.


Cruise seems to have a penchant for getting miscast. See also: Jack Reacher, Lestat.
 
2012-09-04 07:53:44 PM

freetomato: Capt Linda Bray is one of my best friends.
...
Linda is cool with it. She's a very private person.


Dude, you need to find better friends. Anyone who gets busted down from O-3 to E-1 is bad news, I tells ya.
 
2012-09-04 08:46:45 PM

fusillade762: Gyrfalcon: Klaus von Stauffenberg was a tall blond Prussian aristocrat with a distinguished military history and a noble family. He was portrayed in the movie by this:

[cache.gawker.com image 250x303]

A short dumpy actor with a squeaky voice who believes in space aliens. How sad is that.

Cruise seems to have a penchant for getting miscast. See also: Jack Reacher, Lestat.


Nah, he was alright as Lestat.
 
2012-09-04 08:50:59 PM
Maybe its just me, but whenever I watch a movie based on a true story, I look up the true story anyway out of curiosity. I think it would be great to go to a movie like Public Enemy and have one of your friends biatch about the plot, saying things like: "that scene was so unrealistic and stupid!" and follow it up with their super logic of what any intelligent person would have done in that situation. Then voila, I whip out my smartphone and, after some quick Google-Fu, say "um. actually it's all true."

That asshat then raves about how amazing the movie is to all his friends because its a true story. You can't make something too realistic if its backed up by fact! It only makes it that much more badass. Again, maybe its just me.
 
2012-09-04 08:54:51 PM

dittybopper: freetomato: Capt Linda Bray is one of my best friends.
...
Linda is cool with it. She's a very private person.

Dude, you need to find better friends. Anyone who gets busted down from O-3 to E-1 is bad news, I tells ya.


I know you're yankin' my chain, but I'll bite anyway. Linda lost no rank. For extra coolness her equally beloved husband, who actually introduced me to her, is a West Point grad and a Ranger. Couldn't ask for better friends. We are shopping for lakefront retirement property together in the near future.
 
2012-09-04 09:24:07 PM
There's just no way to put Depp on screen tricking more cops than the number of bullets they thought he had into locking themselves in a jail cell without it looking silly.

I am not sure up to 6 deputies out of the 8 (and certainly none of the trustees) were willing to die just because they outnumbered his supposed bullets, so I am not sure how this is relevant. The crappy quality of the fake gun is a bit more interesting though.
 
2012-09-04 09:28:12 PM
"Ask the Dust", apparently Hollywood figured they would fix the shortcomings of the book in the movie.

/didn't see the movie, heard from some poor bastard that did....
//fantastic book by the way, beautiful and brutal in its rawness and honesty....made a career for some guy named Bukowski....
 
2012-09-04 10:12:43 PM

fusillade762: Cruise seems to have a penchant for getting miscast.


If by 'miscast' you mean 'getting cast,' I couldn't agree more. The last role he was good in was 'Risky Business.' I'm sorry, but ever since then all I've seen is Tom Cruise running around on a movie set, not any character he seemed to believe he was playing. Same goes for Keaun Reeves. After 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure,' it was all downhill. I'm not judging anyone who likes any of this: it's probably just something in my own brain, that some actors I only see as themselves, not as their characters. Tom Hanks just barely succeeds for me; I like him, and I like his movies, but the last role he did that I found even remotely convincing was in 'The Money Pit.' And then there's the strange case of Gene Hackman, who is always Gene Hackman to me, but completely and instantly convinces me that he's whatever he's pretending to be, just using a pseudonym: Gene Hackman, Cold War spy. Gene Hackman, master criminal. Gene Hackman, astronaut. And so on.
 
2012-09-04 10:26:29 PM

LeroyBourne: Wow, a cracked article that didn't annoy the crap out of me and actually kept me interested enough to finish. Maybe they have new blood in their writing staff.


I tend to really like their history articles, and this was more history than show biz, I think.
 
2012-09-04 10:47:57 PM

xria: There's just no way to put Depp on screen tricking more cops than the number of bullets they thought he had into locking themselves in a jail cell without it looking silly.

I am not sure up to 6 deputies out of the 8 (and certainly none of the trustees) were willing to die just because they outnumbered his supposed bullets, so I am not sure how this is relevant. The crappy quality of the fake gun is a bit more interesting though.


The story I've heard is that somebody, possibly Dillinger's attorney, actually smuggled a real gun into the Crown Point jail.
 
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