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(The Onion)   August 23rd, 2012: The Onion reports on "One Full Week Without Mass Shooting" celebration in New York   (theonion.com) divider line 77
    More: Followup, mass shootings, Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano  
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6537 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Aug 2012 at 12:17 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-08-24 12:18:33 PM
Ow.
 
2012-08-24 12:19:26 PM
Prophetic? Maybe.. Ironic? Possibly... Depressingly hilarious? Yup, it's The Onion.
 
2012-08-24 12:19:33 PM
Once again, The Onion nails it.
 
2012-08-24 12:19:48 PM
And... already updated.
 
2012-08-24 12:20:03 PM
Do The Onion horoscopes have lottery numbers?
 
2012-08-24 12:20:21 PM
The Onion is becoming less a satire site, and more of a prognosticator.

If you ever see something relating to your name, business, hometown, or profession pop up in The Onion, you might want to escape to Aruba.
 
2012-08-24 12:21:05 PM
3.bp.blogspot.com

AWK-WAAAARD
 
2012-08-24 12:21:05 PM
Funny Aneurysm moment at its best.
 
2012-08-24 12:24:25 PM
Hahaha ok this one had me laughing pretty good.

By the way, I was under the impression that the onion backdated the article a day, because.. you know.. its a satire site. I dont think this was actually from yesterday. Correct me if I'm wrong...
 
2012-08-24 12:25:38 PM
fark other news sources, I'm only reading The Onion from now on.
 
2012-08-24 12:26:37 PM

Kuroshin: The Onion is becoming less a satire site, and more of a prognosticator.

If you ever see something relating to your name, business, hometown, or profession pop up in The Onion, you might want to escape to Aruba.


Unless you're an attractive blonde female...they seem to have the worst luck there.
 
2012-08-24 12:26:47 PM
they updated the article with: nevermind
 
2012-08-24 12:27:02 PM

Alonjar: Hahaha ok this one had me laughing pretty good.

By the way, I was under the impression that the onion backdated the article a day, because.. you know.. its a satire site. I dont think this was actually from yesterday. Correct me if I'm wrong...


Gladly.

It was posted something like 16 hours before the shooting, on Aug. 23rd. Earlier today they updated it with-- simply-- 'Never mind.' The paragraph at the end came even later.
 
2012-08-24 12:27:29 PM
Update: Never mind.
 
2012-08-24 12:29:04 PM
Are you a wizard?
 
2012-08-24 12:32:31 PM
Don't follow the Onion. Follow the gourd!
 
2012-08-24 12:34:43 PM
Awkward...
 
2012-08-24 12:36:11 PM
What's weird is whenever I read an article from the onion, every article I read after that from a legitimate news source sounds like bullshiat. Interesting.
 
2012-08-24 12:38:20 PM
Alonjar: I dont think this was actually from yesterday. Correct me if I'm wrong...

Yes you are wrong. I saw this on the onion website yesterday...
 
2012-08-24 12:40:44 PM
This is the first time an Onion article made me laugh.

And, motherfarker, I'm still smiling.

That's some funny-ass shiat right there.
 
2012-08-24 12:41:19 PM
UPDATE: Federal officials have reportedly just informed celebrating Americans that a mass shooting did in fact just happen in front of the Empire State Building, and that citizens should stop chanting and cheering now. "Oh," Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said, looking at what appeared to be a news alert on her cell phone. "You know what, forget it. There was another one about 20 blocks from here. So, party's over. Sorry." Napolitano then urged the visibly saddened Americans to be careful, get back home as soon as possible, lock all their doors, and never leave their homes unless it is absolutely essential.
 
2012-08-24 12:48:22 PM

The Onion is prophetic: Prophetic? Maybe.. Ironic? Possibly... Depressingly hilarious? Yup, it's The Onion.


I also read the "2nd Grade Teacher Shocked That They Keep Getting Fatter" article linked at the bottom of TFA. I know it is satire but holy crap it made me reexamine my children's day-to-day activities to make sure we aren't skipping important exercise and active games.

A lot of Onion articles have really been cutting to the bone lately, less funny ("Nation's Porn Stars Demand To Be F*cked Harder") and more dark and scarily close to truth.
 
2012-08-24 12:50:38 PM

Inigo: AWK-WAAAARD


Fun fact, the newsflash alert on my phone was a Dalek saying 'EXTERMINATE!'.
 
2012-08-24 12:52:03 PM
I don't know all the facts, but this doesn't seem like a 'mass shooting', weren't a lot of the victims hit in the shootout with police? In fact some were shot BY the ploice.
 
2012-08-24 12:53:24 PM

Crewmannumber6: I don't know all the facts, but this doesn't seem like a 'mass shooting', weren't a lot of the victims hit in the shootout with police? In fact some were shot BY the ploice.


Where there shots?
Were there a lot of them?
 
2012-08-24 12:55:21 PM

Julieahni: Don't follow the Onion. Follow the gourd!


The Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!

stuartparker.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-08-24 12:55:35 PM

Crewmannumber6: I don't know all the facts, but this doesn't seem like a 'mass shooting', weren't a lot of the victims hit in the shootout with police? In fact some were shot BY the ploice.


I don't think it really matters who shot the mass as to whether or not it was a mass shooting. It's not a mass shooting in the same sense as Aurora or Fort Hood, but still a mass shooting.

Maybe it would be better to more clearly segregate the concept of a "mass shooting" with the more specific "random mass shooting".
 
2012-08-24 12:57:03 PM
So it's confirmed that they did actually update this, and that wasn't the original joke?
 
2012-08-24 12:58:39 PM
 
2012-08-24 01:01:53 PM
Update: Never mind is brilliant in its simplicity.
 
2012-08-24 01:09:12 PM

xsarien: Update: Never mind is brilliant in its simplicity.


I lol'd so hard at that one.
 
2012-08-24 01:11:30 PM
The Onion? Thats so 2003. Out like trucker hats
 
2012-08-24 01:12:31 PM
the sad thing is.. that update about NY is correct

seriously..WTF??
 
2012-08-24 01:18:53 PM

xsarien: Update: Never mind is brilliant in its simplicity.


yes. there is a tone of exasperation in there. It works.
 
2012-08-24 01:19:58 PM

Kuroshin: The Onion is becoming less a satire site, and more of a prognosticator.

If you ever see something relating to your name, business, hometown, or profession pop up in The Onion, you might want to escape to Aruba.


www.crimemuseum.org

LOLWAT?
 
2012-08-24 01:20:25 PM

LemSkroob: xsarien: Update: Never mind is brilliant in its simplicity.

yes. there is a tone of exasperation in there. It works.


Emily Littella
 
2012-08-24 01:22:22 PM
Probably my favorite take on today's tragedy. The Onion has that uncanny ability to really nail it when something like this occurs, and every now and then, they really knock it out of the park commenting on national politics. (My favorite is still the article where Bush thinks he's hearing the voice of God, but it's really Dick Cheney on the intercom.)

I just wish they could be as funny and poignant the other 99% of the time.
 
2012-08-24 01:25:09 PM
The Onion after 9/11  (NSFW lanugage)
 
2012-08-24 01:28:34 PM
This will always be my favorite Onion piece (NSFW language)
Link
 
2012-08-24 01:33:36 PM

Crewmannumber6: This will always be my favorite Onion piece (NSFW language)
Link


Is this going to become a Best of the Onion thread? Because that was pretty hilarious, and I'll gladly procrastinate with more of the same.
 
2012-08-24 01:34:44 PM

secularsage: Crewmannumber6: This will always be my favorite Onion piece (NSFW language)
Link

Is this going to become a Best of the Onion thread? Because that was pretty hilarious, and I'll gladly procrastinate with more of the same.


This was one of my favorites.

o.onionstatic.com

I love the inclusion of the toddler.
 
2012-08-24 01:39:35 PM

secularsage: Crewmannumber6: This will always be my favorite Onion piece (NSFW language)
Link

Is this going to become a Best of the Onion thread? Because that was pretty hilarious, and I'll gladly procrastinate with more of the same.


Point - Counterpoint: "My computer totally hates me!" vs "God, do I hate that biatch."
 
2012-08-24 01:40:48 PM

T.rex: The Onion? Thats so 2003. Out like trucker hats


do people still really talk like this
 
2012-08-24 01:44:47 PM

Andy Andy: Link


Prophetic articles are prophetic.
 
2012-08-24 01:52:06 PM
It's really disturbing how many times The Onion has been proven prophetic in the past decade. They keep cranking up the sarcasm and rhetoric, and we just keep blowing past it.
 
2012-08-24 01:59:24 PM

Crewmannumber6: I don't know all the facts, but this doesn't seem like a 'mass shooting', weren't a lot of the victims hit in the shootout with police? In fact some were shot BY the ploice.


What you describe is impossible. Opponents of allowing civilians to carry firearms note that police are the only individuals sufficiently trained with firearms to be trusted not to strike innocent bystanders in a shooting incident. Therefore, all nine of the wounded individuals must have been shot by the single assailant who was armed with a firearm that carried no more than eight rounds of ammunition and who shot his intended victim three times.
 
2012-08-24 02:17:58 PM

wookiee cookie: T.rex: The Onion? Thats so 2003. Out like trucker hats

do people still really talk like this


Not since 2005.
 
2012-08-24 02:18:19 PM

LemSkroob: xsarien: Update: Never mind is brilliant in its simplicity.

yes. there is a tone of exasperation in there. It works.


Either that or goddammitsomuch
 
2012-08-24 02:29:31 PM
Technically, it wasn't a mass shooting. The bad guy shot one person, and killed him, and everyone else was shot by the cops trying (and eventually succeeding) to kill the bad guy.
 
2012-08-24 02:33:48 PM

corronchilejano: Andy Andy: Link

Prophetic articles are prophetic.


Couple more of them in my profile (shameless self-plug)
 
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