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(The Province)   The most important news article in the history of humankind   (theprovince.com) divider line 29
    More: Scary, zucchini, pollination, rotting, long peppers, flowers, pollen, squashes, soils  
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11689 clicks; posted to Geek » on 12 Aug 2012 at 10:01 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-08-12 08:35:59 AM
You won't be laughing when your next box of Cap'n Crunch goes to $10 because of the drought, too-moist-sub-tard.
 
2012-08-12 09:24:42 AM
Our world will never be the same again! O_O
 
2012-08-12 10:03:19 AM
When in doubt, use more lube.
 
2012-08-12 10:46:22 AM
www.beavis-butthead.ru
 
2012-08-12 10:46:27 AM
My takeaway is that nobody likes a limp zucchini.
 
2012-08-12 10:50:06 AM

notmtwain: You won't be laughing when your next box of Cap'n Crunch goes to $10 because of the drought, too-moist-sub-tard.


Just what exactly does this article about zucchini growing have to do with the drought or its impact on the cost of cereal?
 
2012-08-12 11:07:25 AM
I've always wanted to take up gardening but I understand you have to go outside and dig in the dirt so i've never quite gotten around to it. I bought some seeds once though.
 
2012-08-12 11:10:39 AM

Neondistraction: notmtwain: You won't be laughing when your next box of Cap'n Crunch goes to $10 because of the drought, too-moist-sub-tard.

Just what exactly does this article about zucchini growing have to do with the drought or its impact on the cost of cereal?


It's all falling into place....

notmtwain toiled for years in the harsh zucchini fields of Nebraska. Working to get his degrees in meteorology, quantum physics, and various other science-y degrees, notmtwain was ready to achieve his ultimate goal: The perfect zucchini. Surely this was a specimen that would change the image of the humble squash and propel it from punchline with a funny sounding name to dinner staple across America, NO! The WORLD!

Soon, his life's goal was complete, only for reality to come by and crush it as if it were a pumpkin lined up against a teenage hoodlum. He sat at market for hours, dAYS, only to find out that even though his zucchini had not only been in the ground the proper amount of time, but received the exact amount of water through a makeshift weather control device and the right nutrients from a new soil composition he developed, everyone wanted CORN.

Corn... The grain that passes for a vegetable that would haunt his dreams to this very moment, every waking moment, flaunting its subsidies and it's usefulness in many other applications from cereal to packing peanuts to fuel that gums up your engines. Corn. Commanding much more money despite it's inferiority to his super zucchini.

He'll show them. He's already won, don't you see?! He's turned the weather control device into a weapon capable of affecting large parts of the country, working to kill all the corn in the country. When food prices skyrocket, notmtwain shall ride to the rescue with a new type of zucchini, capable of being transformed into a low cost alternative for corn in cereals... And soon he will rule the commodity markets, one zucchini at a time.

But perhaps I've said too much...
 
2012-08-12 11:27:22 AM

The_Y2P_Problem: Neondistraction: notmtwain: You won't be laughing when your next box of Cap'n Crunch goes to $10 because of the drought, too-moist-sub-tard.

Just what exactly does this article about zucchini growing have to do with the drought or its impact on the cost of cereal?

It's all falling into place....

notmtwain toiled for years in the harsh zucchini fields of Nebraska. Working to get his degrees in meteorology, quantum physics, and various other science-y degrees, notmtwain was ready to achieve his ultimate goal: The perfect zucchini. Surely this was a specimen that would change the image of the humble squash and propel it from punchline with a funny sounding name to dinner staple across America, NO! The WORLD!

Soon, his life's goal was complete, only for reality to come by and crush it as if it were a pumpkin lined up against a teenage hoodlum. He sat at market for hours, dAYS, only to find out that even though his zucchini had not only been in the ground the proper amount of time, but received the exact amount of water through a makeshift weather control device and the right nutrients from a new soil composition he developed, everyone wanted CORN.

Corn... The grain that passes for a vegetable that would haunt his dreams to this very moment, every waking moment, flaunting its subsidies and it's usefulness in many other applications from cereal to packing peanuts to fuel that gums up your engines. Corn. Commanding much more money despite it's inferiority to his super zucchini.

He'll show them. He's already won, don't you see?! He's turned the weather control device into a weapon capable of affecting large parts of the country, working to kill all the corn in the country. When food prices skyrocket, notmtwain shall ride to the rescue with a new type of zucchini, capable of being transformed into a low cost alternative for corn in cereals... And soon he will rule the commodity markets, one zucchini at a time.

But perhaps I've said too much...


Can I buy some pot from you?
 
2012-08-12 12:07:09 PM

Confabulat: I've always wanted to take up gardening but I understand you have to go outside and dig in the dirt so i've never quite gotten around to it. I bought some seeds once though.


My great uncle Jack once advised me: "My principal objection to yard work is that it occurs ... (wait for it) ... in the yard."

Incidentally, the dude lived in Salida Colorado and had a 365-degree view of the Rockies in his yard. People would have paid to do his yard work.
 
2012-08-12 12:35:39 PM

OneFretAway: Confabulat: I've always wanted to take up gardening but I understand you have to go outside and dig in the dirt so i've never quite gotten around to it. I bought some seeds once though.

My great uncle Jack once advised me: "My principal objection to yard work is that it occurs ... (wait for it) ... in the yard."

Incidentally, the dude lived in Salida Colorado and had a 365-degree view of the Rockies in his yard. People would have paid to do his yard work.


And his name was Cornelius. And he invented long division.
 
2012-08-12 12:39:34 PM

The_Y2P_Problem: Neondistraction: notmtwain: You won't be laughing when your next box of Cap'n Crunch goes to $10 because of the drought, too-moist-sub-tard.

Just what exactly does this article about zucchini growing have to do with the drought or its impact on the cost of cereal?

It's all falling into place....

notmtwain toiled for years in the harsh zucchini fields of Nebraska. Working to get his degrees in meteorology, quantum physics, and various other science-y degrees, notmtwain was ready to achieve his ultimate goal: The perfect zucchini. Surely this was a specimen that would change the image of the humble squash and propel it from punchline with a funny sounding name to dinner staple across America, NO! The WORLD!

Soon, his life's goal was complete, only for reality to come by and crush it as if it were a pumpkin lined up against a teenage hoodlum. He sat at market for hours, dAYS, only to find out that even though his zucchini had not only been in the ground the proper amount of time, but received the exact amount of water through a makeshift weather control device and the right nutrients from a new soil composition he developed, everyone wanted CORN.

Corn... The grain that passes for a vegetable that would haunt his dreams to this very moment, every waking moment, flaunting its subsidies and it's usefulness in many other applications from cereal to packing peanuts to fuel that gums up your engines. Corn. Commanding much more money despite it's inferiority to his super zucchini.

He'll show them. He's already won, don't you see?! He's turned the weather control device into a weapon capable of affecting large parts of the country, working to kill all the corn in the country. When food prices skyrocket, notmtwain shall ride to the rescue with a new type of zucchini, capable of being transformed into a low cost alternative for corn in cereals... And soon he will rule the commodity markets, one zucchini at a time.

But perhaps I've said too much...


i105.photobucket.com
 
2012-08-12 12:56:31 PM
Am I missing what in this apparently helpful advice on planting zucchini is either img1.fark.net or "The most important news article in the history of humankind" ironically or otherwise?

It looks like any of a billion question/answer posts out on the Internet that someone may find useful at some point, but most people won't ever. i.e. exactly what the Internet's for.

/except porn
//and memes
///porn memes
 
2012-08-12 01:05:10 PM

notmtwain: You won't be laughing when your next box of Cap'n Crunch goes to $10 because of the drought, too-moist-sub-tard.


Not my Cap'n Crunch, the best cereal ever made!
 
2012-08-12 01:16:18 PM
I knew she was using too much spit on my zucchini.
 
2012-08-12 01:43:59 PM

Confabulat: I've always wanted to take up gardening but I understand you have to go outside and dig in the dirt so i've never quite gotten around to it. I bought some seeds once though.


You need to start growing pot indoors. I understand it can be quite a consuming hobby.
 
2012-08-12 02:17:05 PM
Isn't zucchini one of those prolific plants that yields so much that they actually created an unofficial observance for it, "Leave Zucchini On Your Neighbour's Porch Day"? My mom grew zucchini in the back yard when I was growing up and we had so much of it that we ended up eating it every day during summer. I don't even like zucchini.

Apparently, they've also developed GMO zucchini. Why the hell would you need to bio-engineer zucchini seeds, unless you wanted it to yield LESS?
 
2012-08-12 02:24:40 PM

MoronLessOff: notmtwain: You won't be laughing when your next box of Cap'n Crunch goes to $10 because of the drought, too-moist-sub-tard.

Not my Cap'n Crunch, the best cereal ever made!


Cap'n crunch tears up the roof of your mouth.

/also I wish I had made notmwain's post so I could have had The_Y2P_Problem write a story 'bout me.
 
2012-08-12 02:32:12 PM

notmtwain: You won't be laughing when your next box of Cap'n Crunch goes to $10 because of the drought, too-moist-sub-tard.


i.imgur.com

/not too-moist-sub-tard
 
2012-08-12 02:44:47 PM

OneFretAway: Confabulat: I've always wanted to take up gardening but I understand you have to go outside and dig in the dirt so i've never quite gotten around to it. I bought some seeds once though.

My great uncle Jack once advised me: "My principal objection to yard work is that it occurs ... (wait for it) ... in the yard."

Incidentally, the dude lived in Salida Colorado and had a 365-degree view of the Rockies in his yard. People would have paid to do his yard work.


This has been my principle objection, too. My family did a small bit of farming when I was young, even raised some chickens. I'm a huge fan of farming and farmers, go out of my way, pay more, and suffer shortages and smaller selection to shop at local farmstands, and on and on and on. I even donate money and volunteer for the Grange. But on a personal level, me and the Great Outdoors -- which for me is anything beyond my porch or driveway -- have at best a shaky relationship.

I get along with most flora just fine. Prickers don't bother me, I have no allergies, and I'm even immune to poison ivy. (Really. It's pretty cool. Unless you're dating someone who's not, and go camping in Western Pennsylvania at the height of summer in a recently-cleared area next to old-stand woods. Just as a hypothetical example.) It's fauna I don't get along with. Bugs, specifically. It's something about my body chemistry. I've tried everything, but something about me screams "Soup's on!" to every biting beastie in range as soon as I enter the Wild (again, anything past my porch). A couple years ago, I was watching my father's house while he was away, and agreed to do some weeding as well. He showed me which plants he wanted removed, and which to leave, and even I was able to understand this much. Mind you, when we were out there together, there was no problem. A day later, when I suited up (bound ankles against infectious ticks, hat and long sleeves to keep the sun off me, and gloves because honestly, I spend most of my life shuffling papers, hitting a keyboard, or messing around in a kitchen) and went out, as I approached the patch to be weeded I watched as a *visible cloud* of HUNDREDS of mosquitoes rose up to begin their collective assault. And for the first and only time in my life, I turned and RAN from mosquitoes, shame and embarrassment be damned. I have no idea why this happens to me, but it does all time. Winter is the only time I can safely traverse areas that are more plants than paving. And I mean Northern winter, when things are cold, not Southern winter, where some hardy bugs still hang out waiting for me to come along.

More, I burn like tissue paper in a bonfire. Beach? Ha-ha, no, never, not for me. I might as well just faceplant a barbecue grill and inject myself with melanoma. I mean, I've been to the beach, and still do, on certain overcast days, for short periods while slathered with buckets of SPF-brazillian sunblock -- and STILL come away burned. I think I got a sunburn once while watching a movie about people on the beach.

Finally, I have a very real hydration problem. My body just doesn't hold water well. I drink it all day long, and it comes right back out. It's fine, as long as I spend most of my time indoors and I'm not asked to, say, sit still for four hours. (This is just one of several reasons why I'm not a big opera fan.) Outdoors, I seem to have some valve that quickly evacuates large amounts of my body water. And no, I don't mean that one. What are you, twelve? No, I mean I just sweat a bunch, and it all goes away, fast. Half an hour outside, and I'm gasping for water. If I stay hydrated, I can go indefinitely. I actually have pretty good stamina, and I can walk or bike for miles -- as long as I have a constant supply of water. This apparently goes back to a specific heat exhaustion episode about twenty years ago (Western Pennsylvania again, but different site and different girl), and I've never been the same since. And I also seem to be more sensitive to changes in humidity than most other people. When the temperature drops around sunset, it's like a wave comes in and tries to smother me; I get over it, but I definitely notice it.

All this combines to make me pretty useless outdoors. Indoors, I can be a dynamo. Outside, not so much. If I ever marry, I'll want to marry someone who's good for that stuff, because I'll never be. I'll be happy to do the dishes and clean the kitche in return. I enjoy that, and I'm good at it. But any gardening I do will have to be limited to greenhouses; preferably, ones attached to the house.
 
2012-08-12 02:50:00 PM
cuisine-america.com

Fried zucchini.

Mmmmm...
 
2012-08-12 02:51:07 PM

Sylvia_Bandersnatch: OneFretAway: Confabulat: I've always wanted to take up gardening but I understand you have to go outside and dig in the dirt so i've never quite gotten around to it. I bought some seeds once though.

My great uncle Jack once advised me: "My principal objection to yard work is that it occurs ... (wait for it) ... in the yard."

Incidentally, the dude lived in Salida Colorado and had a 365-degree view of the Rockies in his yard. People would have paid to do his yard work.

This has been my principle objection, too. My family did a small bit of farming when I was young, even raised some chickens. I'm a huge fan of farming and farmers, go out of my way, pay more, and suffer shortages and smaller selection to shop at local farmstands, and on and on and on. I even donate money and volunteer for the Grange. But on a personal level, me and the Great Outdoors -- which for me is anything beyond my porch or driveway -- have at best a shaky relationship.

I get along with most flora just fine. Prickers don't bother me, I have no allergies, and I'm even immune to poison ivy. (Really. It's pretty cool. Unless you're dating someone who's not, and go camping in Western Pennsylvania at the height of summer in a recently-cleared area next to old-stand woods. Just as a hypothetical example.) It's fauna I don't get along with. Bugs, specifically. It's something about my body chemistry. I've tried everything, but something about me screams "Soup's on!" to every biting beastie in range as soon as I enter the Wild (again, anything past my porch). A couple years ago, I was watching my father's house while he was away, and agreed to do some weeding as well. He showed me which plants he wanted removed, and which to leave, and even I was able to understand this much. Mind you, when we were out there together, there was no problem. A day later, when I suited up (bound ankles against infectious ticks, hat and long sleeves to keep the sun off me, and gloves because honestly, I spend most of my ...


tl;dr
 
2012-08-12 02:51:26 PM

Yotto: ///porn memes


1mut.com

/brusha-brusha-brusha
 
2012-08-12 03:01:23 PM

Toquinha: Isn't zucchini one of those prolific plants that yields so much that they actually created an unofficial observance for it, "Leave Zucchini On Your Neighbour's Porch Day"? My mom grew zucchini in the back yard when I was growing up and we had so much of it that we ended up eating it every day during summer. I don't even like zucchini.

Apparently, they've also developed GMO zucchini. Why the hell would you need to bio-engineer zucchini seeds, unless you wanted it to yield LESS?


My understanding -- and again, remember that I only know a bunch of farmers, I do almost none of it myself -- is that zucchini is a feast-or-famine crop. You need to grow enough to make sure you get a crop, because in bad seasons you lost most of it. But in good seasons, it all comes in at once like a tidal wave, in huge amounts. We have a joke here in Connecticut that you have to roll up your windows and lock your car at harvest time, or else other people will fill it with extra zucchini.

/I didn't say it was a funny joke.
 
2012-08-12 03:09:16 PM

Igor Jakovsky: MoronLessOff: notmtwain: You won't be laughing when your next box of Cap'n Crunch goes to $10 because of the drought, too-moist-sub-tard.

Not my Cap'n Crunch, the best cereal ever made!

Cap'n crunch tears up the roof of your mouth.

/also I wish I had made notmwain's post so I could have had The_Y2P_Problem write a story 'bout me.


It's the breakfast cereal for real men.
 
2012-08-12 06:37:19 PM
You Americans, always with the jokes
 
2012-08-12 07:24:47 PM
mankind*
 
2012-08-12 08:35:57 PM

Igor Jakovsky:

Cap'n crunch tears up the roof of your mouth.


images.wikia.com

"That son of a biatch is spreading lies, my cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth!"

/ it really does, but it's worth it
 
2012-08-12 10:07:22 PM
"she has teeth in her vagina, but it's totally worth it"
 
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