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(Washington Post)   Dear Carolyn Hax: My husband of 25 years gets angry when I throw out and delete his porn, and when I withhold sex to punish him. What's wrong with him?   (washingtonpost.com) divider line 303
    More: Dumbass, Carolyn Hax, pornographic magazine, first computer, porn  
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28820 clicks; posted to Main » on 12 Aug 2012 at 12:48 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-08-11 10:55:24 PM
From. My. Cold. Dead. Arthritic. FINGERS!
 
2012-08-11 11:00:22 PM
After we were married I assumed there would be no more need for porn as he would have more access to me sexually as his wife.

Oh lord, this woman doesn't understand men at all.
 
2012-08-11 11:06:53 PM
"the weight ratios of birds carrying coconuts"

Ms. Hax brings quality snark.
 
2012-08-11 11:15:02 PM
What's wrong with him? Let's start with he married you...
 
2012-08-11 11:28:39 PM
What's wrong with him? His balls are bluer than Papa Smurf.
 
2012-08-11 11:31:03 PM
She sounds fat.
 
2012-08-11 11:36:03 PM

ecmoRandomNumbers: She sounds fat.


No she sounds like the type of woman that is such a tightass, when she farts, only dogs can hear it.
 
2012-08-11 11:44:56 PM
FTFA: There's no simplistic, zero-sum relationship between porn use and sex. Sometimes having ready access to one of them will diminish one's interest in the other, but plenty of people are happy to indulge in both (or neither)

Thank you, Carolyn. Facts are very helpful here. Maybe if this spouse had better communication and research skills, she wouldn't have waited 28 years to hear this.

And "K." I wouldn't fark you with a Fark IndependentTM's dick. If your husband has put up with your shiat all this time, he's a better dumber man than I. I say stay with him.
 
2012-08-12 12:00:31 AM

sno man: ecmoRandomNumbers: She sounds fat.

No she sounds like the type of woman that is such a tightass, when she farts, only dogs can hear it.


gold, jerry, gold.
 
2012-08-12 12:47:40 AM
I haven't said much because I know I shouldn't be looking at his phone and he could easily password-protect it.

In other words, she doesn't delete the porn on his phone only because she's snooping on it, and doesn't want him to know it.

I hope you read this and run you poor bastard.
 
2012-08-12 12:51:35 AM

sno man: ecmoRandomNumbers: She sounds fat.

No she sounds like the type of woman that is such a tightass, when she farts, only dogs can hear it.


I am stealing this.
 
Skr
2012-08-12 12:52:41 AM

Lsherm: After we were married I assumed there would be no more need for porn as he would have more access to me sexually as his wife.

Oh lord, this woman doesn't understand men at all.


She doesn't understand the type of marriage she was going to bring to the table either.
Withholding sex is pretty screwed up. It almost seems like she is angry she can't completely turn off the the other sexual outlets (porn) and fully control him.
 
2012-08-12 12:55:03 AM
Don't marry crazy
 
2012-08-12 12:55:09 AM
chicks are stupid
 
2012-08-12 12:55:21 AM
Maybe, after 25 years, you should get over your petty manipulative bullshiat or leave.
 
2012-08-12 12:55:47 AM
My wife ought to be happy. Getting my porn fix online for free saves a hell of a lot of money that would have gone to strippers.
 
2012-08-12 12:56:46 AM
Most men like some porn. It almost never means anything other than they like to look at something different once in a while.

Frankly since my drive is less than my husband's, I'm ok with his porn hobby since it hardly ever causes an issue (and when it does, it's just due to timing).
 
2012-08-12 12:56:48 AM
Wow! Marriage sucks. What a news flash.

I've been married twenty years. It sucks.
 
2012-08-12 12:58:07 AM
She says "We have a good sex life" ....

Something tells me her husband wouldn't say the same. She's probably a cold prudish beotch.
 
2012-08-12 12:58:29 AM
Sounds like my mother in law, except the sex is being withheld for years and the morality stance is a little more pronounced
 
2012-08-12 01:01:22 AM
Tips to follow for a good marriage:
1.) Everyone stays in shape
2.) Everyone communicates
3.) Everyone bones down at least a few times a week
4.) Everyone gets "me" time
 
2012-08-12 01:01:42 AM
$20 says she owns the whole "Shades of Grey" series. In paperback.
 
2012-08-12 01:03:49 AM

bhcompy: Sounds like my mother in law, except the sex is being withheld for years and the morality stance is a little more pronounced


You have an interesting relationship with your mother-in-law.
 
2012-08-12 01:03:56 AM

ladyfortuna: Most men like some porn. It almost never means anything other than they like to look at something different once in a while.

Frankly since my drive is less than my husband's, I'm ok with his porn hobby since it hardly ever causes an issue (and when it does, it's just due to timing).


Uhh! Don't come in here!
 
2012-08-12 01:04:22 AM

bhcompy: Sounds like my mother in law, except the sex is being withheld for years and the morality stance is a little more pronounced


Your mother in law doesn't withhold sex from you? Continue...
 
2012-08-12 01:04:59 AM
This is why we have password protected external hard drives. Dur.
 
2012-08-12 01:05:08 AM
Oh my god! Like, I met someone and he totally liked looking at porn. He, like, looked at it all the time. I told him to, like, stop and stuff, and he still looked at it. Even though he still did it, I couldn't help but marry him because I thought, like, he'd stop looking at porn because he had sexual access to me (which he totally had when we were dating and was still looking at porn and stuff). Now, like, he won't stop looking at it! Still! I just can't believe how rude he is to keep doing what he's, like, always done, and I'm so hurt by it! I wasn't hurt enough not to marry him or anything, but still! Can you believe this? He, like, is the same person I met when I married him, and he didn't change at all for me like men are supposed to!

I mean, we argue about it all the time. I start an argument, like, every time I bring it up to him. Should we get a divorce because of how much he totally makes me start arguments?
 
2012-08-12 01:06:06 AM
OMGHAX D=
 
2012-08-12 01:06:32 AM

sno man: What's wrong with him? Let's start with he married you...


To be fair, given that they had this argument before getting married and yet they still got married, the guy probably finds the argument funny and assumes (since, you know, she married him) that she regards it as a marital in-joke as well.

I mean, if someone told me they'd been loading porn and having their wife delete it for decades, that's the logical jump I'd make as a dispassionate third party. "The woman is incapable of actual communication with her husband is genuinely offended" is not really the first thing that would come to mind given that she's apparently been fine with it for decades.
 
2012-08-12 01:06:43 AM

BradleyUffner: You have an interesting relationship with your mother-in-law.


OgrePDX: Your mother in law doesn't withhold sex from you? Continue...


Nah, I just get dragged in to the mess every time she finds porn on the iPad.... which is frequently.
 
2012-08-12 01:08:03 AM
Would be interesting to know whether she took the advice.

Remember Rachel in Blade Runner ("I should be enough for him")?

Her attitude might work in first flush of marriage, but the novelty soon wears off

Porn is the lesser of several evils, and sorry, but it ain't even evil any more
 
2012-08-12 01:09:52 AM
Whenever I read these stupid letters, I don't doubt that there are people like this out there, I just think that the columnist writes it all.
The allure of this column isn't the advice, it's the audacity of the biatch. I guess I'd just like to think that the self-important biatches out there are either too stupid to type an email or are a little smarter than that.

/Off to shop for a gift, my 9th anniversary is this week.
 
2012-08-12 01:11:10 AM

SquiggsIN: She says "We have a good sex life" ....

Something tells me her husband wouldn't say the same. She's probably a cold prudish beotch.


[Alvy and Annie are seeing their therapists at the same time on a split screen]
Alvy Singer's Therapist: How often do you sleep together?
Annie Hall's Therapist: Do you have sex often?
Alvy Singer: [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Annie Hall: [annoyed] Constantly. I'd say three times a week.
 
2012-08-12 01:11:32 AM
I don't get guys like this at all.

Why would he tolerate her bullshiat for years like this? At no point in their marriage did he just stack porn mags on the table, and just say "these are going to stay here."

And letting someone use sex as an emotional weapon against you? That's when you cut the relationship off. Its abuse, and you shouldn't have to deal with it.
 
2012-08-12 01:11:41 AM
i.imgur.com
 
2012-08-12 01:12:32 AM
Perhaps I'm young and naive, but I've never understood this idea of "withholding" sex. Does that mean your partner normally "requests" sex, and you "supply" them with some? That seems really sad and empty, and kind of creepily subordinate behavior. This woman feels her only way of "punishing" her husband and asserting her power is to not be his sex receptacle?

I guess I like to think when my partner and I engage in sexual activity, it's out of mutual desire, and neither of us is doing so out of some obligation to the other or as a kind of bargaining chip. Ugh.
 
2012-08-12 01:13:07 AM

JonZoidberg: Whenever I read these stupid letters, I don't doubt that there are people like this out there, I just think that the columnist writes it all.


I suspect the columnists puts them together based on all the letters they actually get. That way that can cram as much crazy in as possible and the crazies think that there's other readers as crazy as they are.
 
2012-08-12 01:14:04 AM

Cyno01: [i.imgur.com image 769x764]


ZZfolders? That's a lot of sleep therapy.
 
2012-08-12 01:16:04 AM

Parmenius: sno man: ecmoRandomNumbers: She sounds fat.

No she sounds like the type of woman that is such a tightass, when she farts, only dogs can hear it.

I am stealing this.


It's not theft when it's public domain.
 
2012-08-12 01:16:41 AM

Itchy92: Perhaps I'm young and naive, but I've never understood this idea of "withholding" sex. Does that mean your partner normally "requests" sex, and you "supply" them with some? That seems really sad and empty, and kind of creepily subordinate behavior. This woman feels her only way of "punishing" her husband and asserting her power is to not be his sex receptacle?

I guess I like to think when my partner and I engage in sexual activity, it's out of mutual desire, and neither of us is doing so out of some obligation to the other or as a kind of bargaining chip. Ugh.


The longer you're with someone the more this will come up, for 9 out of 10 people at least. Women and men have different sexual ebbs and flows
 
2012-08-12 01:18:05 AM

Lsherm: After we were married I assumed there would be no more need for porn as he would have more access to me sexually as his wife.

Oh lord, this woman doesn't understand men at all.


Bingo.
 
2012-08-12 01:18:36 AM

powhound: My wife ought to be happy. Getting my porn fix online for free saves a hell of a lot of money that would have gone to strippers hookers.


Let's be honest hear amongst friends

/more bang for the buck
 
2012-08-12 01:19:34 AM
FTFA: Then we bought our first computer and he found all kinds of free porn to download. I would find it on the computer, delete it, we would argue, I'd find more the next week, and so on. Now he has a smartphone with lots of downloaded porn. I haven't said much because I know I shouldn't be looking at his phone and he could easily password-protect it.

...so, what I'm hearing is that your husband has always been waaaay behind the curve at figuring out technology.

Itchy92: I guess I like to think when my partner and I engage in sexual activity, it's out of mutual desire, and neither of us is doing so out of some obligation to the other or as a kind of bargaining chip. Ugh.


I've pretty much always been of the opinion that when you explicitly start treating sex as a quid pro quo, you've already lost. However I've never been married so I guess that little bit of idealism will probably get beaten out of me some day.
 
2012-08-12 01:21:25 AM

Lsherm: After we were married I assumed there would be no more need for porn as he would have more access to me sexually as his wife.

Oh lord, this woman doesn't understand men at all.


Wife's friend told her

She was dating a great guy, one day snooping through his computer found "all this porn, so I dumped him cuss he must be gay, cuss no staight man has that much porn"

She also believes in love at first sight and the infallibility of following your heart.

She's 40 and single.. But believes in romance if anybody's interested
 
2012-08-12 01:22:10 AM
Dear tight-assed broad,
STFU and get back in the kitchen.

P.S. You sound like a joy to be around.
 
TWX
2012-08-12 01:22:57 AM

brimed03: $20 says she owns the whole "Shades of Grey" series. In paperback.


Heh. Basically "bodice ripper" romance novels are just porn described with some plot in between. Women who read them shouldn't hold those who look at a little bit of porn any lower than they hold themselves.
 
2012-08-12 01:23:08 AM
Find her chocolate and throw it away.
 
2012-08-12 01:23:55 AM
I never want to get mArried. fark that and fark this planet.
 
2012-08-12 01:26:09 AM
"After we were married I assumed there would be no more need for porn as he would have more access to me sexually as his wife. "

i.qkme.me

That's like saying "I wore a cape one time for halloween, so there's no more need to watch Batman movies"
 
2012-08-12 01:26:12 AM

brimed03: $20 says she owns the whole "Shades of Grey" series. In paperback.


I have to ask, why the paperback specification? Because she's too cheap to buy the hardbacks? Or because even her books can't have a hardback?

Itchy92: Perhaps I'm young and naive, but I've never understood this idea of "withholding" sex. Does that mean your partner normally "requests" sex, and you "supply" them with some? That seems really sad and empty, and kind of creepily subordinate behavior. This woman feels her only way of "punishing" her husband and asserting her power is to not be his sex receptacle?

I guess I like to think when my partner and I engage in sexual activity, it's out of mutual desire, and neither of us is doing so out of some obligation to the other or as a kind of bargaining chip. Ugh.


My limited understanding is...pretty much. It's been the basic bargaining chip for women since time began. Men have a greater sex drive, and in most countries this translates to women holding the sexual purse strings; free drinks, etc. is a lot of power, and a lot of ego stroking attention. She could just honestly not enjoy sex, either through shortcomings of her own or his own, lack of communication (this one, I'm going to guess, will be it most of the times with the super crazy like this) or honest, simple, lack of sex drive. Hormonal imballance or body issues (I'm fat, I don't want anyone to see me naked, turn off the lights, NOT IN THE DAY TIME!!, etc.).

I'll be honest. The last few relationships I had (...and they were years ago, get off me, I've been single-celibate for forever) I kept an internal 'orgasm count' to make sure I at least tried to keep us even. In reflection I never thought of it that way, and it was stupidly unhealthy, among a ton of other dysfunctions on my part.
 
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