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(Times of Israel)   God called. He wants his "Definitive Bible" back   (timesofisrael.com) divider line 56
    More: Interesting, Hebrew Bible, Bibles, Israelis, Torah, Jewish laws, Egyptian Army, Torah Scroll, Bar-Ilan University  
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10738 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Aug 2012 at 1:17 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-08-08 01:17:48 PM  
12 votes:
He never should have given Lucas creative control.

"Meesa say love you God bestest mostest of all!"
2012-08-08 01:27:37 PM  
7 votes:
in some places the markers used to denote vowels in Hebrew are incorrect; or a letter in a word may be wrong

Turns out, Thou shalt not spill.
2012-08-08 01:21:38 PM  
7 votes:
David shot first!
2012-08-08 12:46:12 PM  
6 votes:
Is this like another version of Blade Runner?
2012-08-08 04:24:01 PM  
4 votes:

hdhale: Declaring it total fiction is simply intellectually lazy.


Would you prefer this?

THIS BOOK
IS BASED
ON A TRUE STORY
2012-08-08 01:37:11 PM  
4 votes:
So, did Jesus shoot first or what??
2012-08-08 01:07:51 PM  
4 votes:

kronicfeld: Is this like another version of Blade Runner?


Yes, but it requires more suspension of disbelief than Blade Runner does.
2012-08-08 02:14:35 PM  
3 votes:

ciberido: It doesn't say they don't exist. It says not to worship them.


upload.wikimedia.org

Agrees that you don't want to go messing around with the Other Gods.
2012-08-08 02:00:41 PM  
3 votes:

kronicfeld: Is this like another version of Blade Runner?


Well, there's a naked chick with a snake, but it's much more violent, queer and racist.
2012-08-08 01:51:35 PM  
3 votes:
Yeah, let's start off with the corrections about God.
First of all, she's black...
2012-08-08 01:50:01 PM  
3 votes:
Just got off the phone with God. He says that every believer that doesn't jump off a bridge by 8/10/2012 is going to Hell. Just wanted to get the word out.
2012-08-08 01:47:08 PM  
3 votes:

Tatsuma: This is silly, it's like alternate spellings of words and stuff,


Alternates ARE silly.

i.imgur.com
2012-08-08 01:45:04 PM  
3 votes:
i only trust this version

www.openheaven.com
2012-08-08 01:39:40 PM  
3 votes:

danielscissorhands: I didn't realize that fiction could be "definitive."


This is more like a Special Edition/Director's Cut/With Extra footage kind of deals. I think it also comes in a limited edition box set with a Moses action figure.
2012-08-08 01:33:59 PM  
3 votes:
You can't covet your neighbor's wife, you can't covet your neighbor's ass, but you CAN covet your neighbor's wife's ass...
2012-08-08 01:30:51 PM  
3 votes:
Well I'll be damned it did say, "Blessed are the cheese makers."
2012-08-08 01:29:09 PM  
3 votes:

que.guero: Judaism trifecta now in play!


Must be some sort of conspiracy.
2012-08-08 03:37:23 PM  
2 votes:
"Oh, look...at one point they replaced all the swords with hand radios."
2012-08-08 03:33:45 PM  
2 votes:
i105.photobucket.com

Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by church leaders.
2012-08-08 03:09:11 PM  
2 votes:

buckler: sand_in_my_vagoo: I read the headline as "Definitive Bible Black".

/why yes, my mind is in the gutter

That's okay. If you ever get a chance, look at a copy of "The Black Bible." It was written in the 70's to appeal to inner-city youth. It's the Bible, written in jive. Freakin' hilarious.


I would read "Russell Simmons' Def Christianity Jam"

"In the motherfarkin' beginnin', the head motherfarker said 'Yo! Motherfarker spend yo' motherfarkin' Con Edison money on crack again, motherfarker?'"
2012-08-08 01:58:49 PM  
2 votes:
A definitive version of the bible?
I'm sure everyone will agree on this matter.
Excuse me while I dig a bomb shelter.
2012-08-08 01:47:14 PM  
2 votes:
We still get to stone people though right?
2012-08-08 01:44:40 PM  
2 votes:
This is the one that's okay with the the pig eating and the gays, right?
2012-08-08 01:41:04 PM  
2 votes:
The definitive New Testament has a definitive epilogue.

"And thus, Jews were not responsible for the death of Jesus. Jesus was Jewish. Well, that is if there even was a Jesus. Please note that this was all just an allegory. For anyone that has been negatively effected by any confusion resulting from this, we apologize for 2 thousand years of anti-semitism."
2012-08-08 01:34:05 PM  
2 votes:

Tatsuma: *writes 'colour' instead of 'color', claims to have corrected the Bible*


IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW, THANK YOU BASED TATSUMA
2012-08-08 01:32:49 PM  
2 votes:
If God actually called, we probably would have a definitive Bible.
2012-08-08 01:31:49 PM  
2 votes:
I was about 30 before I Learned that nearly every religion uses a different version of "the" Holy Bible. Shut up, I grew up without the intertubes.
2012-08-08 01:30:45 PM  
2 votes:

Louisiana_Sitar_Club: in some places the markers used to denote vowels in Hebrew are incorrect; or a letter in a word may be wrong

Turns out, Thou shalt not spill.


And, amongst the howls of anguish, they could barely make out the pope repeating to himself, "It says 'celeBRATE'"!
2012-08-08 01:27:26 PM  
2 votes:
I didn't realize that fiction could be "definitive."
2012-08-08 01:25:01 PM  
2 votes:
It still says hatin' teh gays is ok, right?

/only important part for some
2012-08-08 05:28:16 PM  
1 votes:
Hmmm. I wonder if the tiny little problem of misunderstanding over a misplaced jot in Zechariah 5 will finally be cleared up:

Let's see what makes more sense from the following two translations...

Zechariah 5: 1 - 11
Then again I lifted up my eyes, and saw, and, behold, a flying scroll! And he [the messenger/angel] said unto me, What do you see? And I answered, I see a flying scroll; the length thereof is twenty cubits [thirty feet], and the breadth thereof ten cubits [fifteen feet in diameter]. Then said he unto me, This is the curse that goeth forth over the face of the whole land: for every one that stealeth shall be cut off on the one side according to it; and every one that sweareth shall be cut off on the other side according to it. I will cause it to go forth, saith YHWH of hosts, and it shall enter into the house of the thief, and into the house of him that sweareth falsely by my name; and it shall abide in the midst of his house, and shall consume it with the timber thereof and the stones thereof. Then the angel that talked with me went forth, and said unto me, Lift up now your eyes, and see what is this that goes forth. And I said, What is it? And he said, This is the ephah [measure/basket/vessel] that goes forth. He said moreover, This is their appearance in all the land [world]; (and, behold, there was lifted up a talent* of lead metal); and this is a woman sitting in the midst of the ephah [measure/basket/vessel]! And he said, This is Wickedness: and he cast her down into the midst of the ephah; and he cast the weight of lead upon the mouth thereof. Then I lifted up my eyes, and saw, and, behold, there came forth two women, and the wind was in their wings; now they had wings like the wings of a stork; and they lifted up the ephah between earth and heaven. Then said I to the angel that talked with me, Whither do these bear the ephah? And he said unto me, To build her a house in the land of Shinar [traditionally located near modern Iraq]: and when it is prepared, she shall be set there in her own place.

The word being translated here as "woman" [ishshah נָשִׁים ], which sits very closely to two other variations of the word, for example, move a single letter and it becomes eshshah, which means simply "fire" in the traditional sense, or keep the original word ishshah and move a jot and not only does it become "fire" but a sacrificial, or Holy Fire, you know, like the one we get our word "Holocaust" from. Now, lets go back and replace "woman" with "Holy fire", and women" with regular "fire" and see how that pans out.

Then again I lifted up my eyes, and saw, and, behold, a flying scroll! And he [the messenger/angel] said unto me, What do you see? And I answered, I see a flying scroll; the length thereof is twenty cubits [thirty feet], and the breadth thereof ten cubits [fifteen feet in diameter]. Then said he unto me, This is the curse that goeth forth over the face of the whole land: for every one that stealeth shall be cut off [written] on the one side according to it; and every one that sweareth shall be cut off on the other side according to it. I will cause it to go forth, saith YHWH of hosts, and it shall enter into the house of the thief, and into the house of him that sweareth falsely by my name; and it shall abide in the midst of his house, and shall consume it with the timber thereof and the stones thereof. Then the angel that talked with me went forth, and said unto me, Lift up now your eyes, and see what is this that goes forth. And I said, What is it? And he said, This is the ephah [measure/basket/vessel] that goes forth. He said moreover, This is their appearance in all the land [world]; (and, behold, there was lifted up a talent* of lead metal); and this is a Holocaust Fire sitting in the midst of the ephah [measure/basket/vessel]! And he said, This is Wickedness: and he cast it [the fire] down into the midst of the ephah; and he cast the weight of lead upon the mouth thereof. Then I lifted up my eyes, and saw, and, behold, there came forth two fires, and the wind was in their wings; now they had wings like the wings of a stork; and they lifted up the ephah between earth and heaven. Then said I to the angel that talked with me, Whither do these bear the ephah? And he said unto me, To build it a house in the land of Shinar [traditionally located near modern Iraq]: and when it is prepared, it shall be set there in her own place.

So, in one translation you get a flying scroll with a container with a wicked woman in it, carried by two other flying women. Crazy shiat, huh? Those wacky prophets!

However, the other translation suddenly makes a lot more scary sense... a flying scroll (tube), that carries a holocaust fire inside, sealed in a lead container, that can destroy houses of the wicked and the stones thereof, a fire that is declared to be wicked, that flies when lifted up by two fires under stork-like wings... and they all pretty much look like this throughout the whole of the world.

Suddenly an ignored prophesy about future judgement seems to make a whole lot more sense when a simple grammatical and solitary translation error are corrected, because what you have here is a bronze-age prophet describing nuclear missiles well over two thousand five hundred years ago, specifically ones that pretty much fit the description of the ones made in Pakistan, which is awfully close to the land of Shinar (Iraq), and honestly, don't all missiles pretty much look the same across the whole wide world?

Think twice before you laugh at the Bible. The Bible says that the houses of the thief and the liar will be completely consumed. Sadly, it doesn't say which thieves and liars. Maybe the White House? maybe your house? Who knows?? Best not to be a thief and a liar then.

* a talent was the heaviest measuring weight known to Israel at the time. Nuclear warheads aren't exactly light, and the very first atomic bomb weighed in at almost five tons.
2012-08-08 05:22:49 PM  
1 votes:

Cheeseburger: Farktastic:
Jesus tittyfarking christ, maybe it is just time to get rid of these fairy tales for adults. The reason we don't get anywhere as a species on this planet is directly due to religion. If we spent as much time, money and effort on eliminating this disease of the mind as we do on cancer, the world would instantly be a better place.

Gee, I think we've come pretty far as a species. So how have other species not burdened with religion done? Any other apes visited the moon or mapped the human genome? Nope, just still flinging poo at the zoo. And calling religion a disease (or rather, virus, if you want to parrot Dawkins accurately) sounds good, in the same way that saying something is a privilege and not a right sounds good, but it's still bullsh*t. But keep repeating it and people will tend to believe it. Weak-minded people.


Holy wars/Genocide
Repression of women/minorities/homosexuals
Genetal mutilation
Reproductive rights
Pedophila/organized crime
Terrorism
Slavery
Racism
Repression and persecution of Science (notice this one is in direct opposition to the achievements you listed)
Repression of History
Repression of Culture

I could go on but I am sure you get the picture. Religion is a root cause in all of these activities. What we have accomplished as a species has been done despite religion, not because of it.

Just for a second, think about eliminating religious contexts from the powderkeg that is the Middle East. Notice how many problems just go away?
2012-08-08 03:21:13 PM  
1 votes:

SpaceBison: [i11.tinypic.com image 450x600]


The only revision needed is that sticker.

So, theoretically, if the Bible came from god in the first place and it's wrong, that should be evidence of an imperfect god. Or, if for centuries people have been studying an imperfect text shouldn't they all be in hell or smited? Shouldn't this heretic who is rewriting the perfect book in his image be smited? Shouldn't the jews be enacting holy war on his ass for screwing with their supposedly perfect book? Is there anyone in the entire jewish religion who can't see the logical fallacy in this?

Jesus tittyfarking christ, maybe it is just time to get rid of these fairy tales for adults. The reason we don't get anywhere as a species on this planet is directly due to religion. If we spent as much time, money and effort on eliminating this disease of the mind as we do on cancer, the world would instantly be a better place.
2012-08-08 03:18:17 PM  
1 votes:

Mr. Coffee Nerves: buckler: sand_in_my_vagoo: I read the headline as "Definitive Bible Black".

/why yes, my mind is in the gutter

That's okay. If you ever get a chance, look at a copy of "The Black Bible." It was written in the 70's to appeal to inner-city youth. It's the Bible, written in jive. Freakin' hilarious.

I would read "Russell Simmons' Def Christianity Jam"

"In the motherfarkin' beginnin', the head motherfarker said 'Yo! Motherfarker spend yo' motherfarkin' Con Edison money on crack again, motherfarker?'"


This was like "So Jesus took his bad self down to the city, and all the brothers and sisters were like, 'who is this turkey, and what kind of rap is he gonna lay on us, man?' " It's just that bad all the way through.
2012-08-08 02:54:13 PM  
1 votes:

sand_in_my_vagoo: I read the headline as "Definitive Bible Black".

/why yes, my mind is in the gutter


That's okay. If you ever get a chance, look at a copy of "The Black Bible." It was written in the 70's to appeal to inner-city youth. It's the Bible, written in jive. Freakin' hilarious.
2012-08-08 02:42:26 PM  
1 votes:
This will do until the next person gets around to revising it.

www.cheese-magnet.com
2012-08-08 02:21:24 PM  
1 votes:
Hey religious scholars, here's an idea: Get a digital video camera, borrow Obama's time machine, and go back & record every moment of this alleged prophet's alleged life.

Don't be too surprised if what he actually says doesn't map well to current doctrine.

Just sayin...
2012-08-08 02:21:02 PM  
1 votes:

COMALite J: Also, in Deuteronomy 32:8−9, there's a fascinating tidbit: it seems that "the Most High" (Hebrew: Elyown) was a different god from YHWH, and moreover, was a "god of gods," not worshiped by humans, but by the lesser gods of individual nations (including YHWH)! According to this passage, Elyown assigned various nations to various gods! Israel neé Jacob was YHWH's portion of humanity ("the sons of Adam") assigned to Him as a "lot of His inheritance" by Elyown!


Er? As in Deuteronomy 32, the song of Moses, in which Moses equates the idea of tithing/taxes with the Lord's protection? That one? Where Moses claims that YHWH divided the lands among the people of the earth, but kept the people of Jaacob back as his own personal humanity tax on the world? The most liberal translation of that isn't that YHWH is a minor god, it's that YHWH passed out control of all the peoples of the earth to demi-dieties, and kept only only a direct interest in Israel.
2012-08-08 02:10:24 PM  
1 votes:

kronicfeld: Is this like another version of Blade Runner?


Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." After he had said this, he whispered, "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die," then he breathed his last. Luke23:46
2012-08-08 02:06:29 PM  
1 votes:

ISO15693: Gyrfalcon: much later that the idea emerged


Psalms 82 (old testament)

1 God standeth in the congregation of the mighty; he judgeth among the gods.
2 How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked? Selah.
3 Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy.
4 Deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked.
5 They know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in darkness: all the foundations of the earth are out of course.
6 I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.
7 But ye shall die like men, and fall like one of the princes.
8 Arise, O God, judge the earth: for thou shalt inherit all nations


so "God" was a person. fark that the BEST person
2012-08-08 02:00:45 PM  
1 votes:

Jon iz teh kewl: BMFPitt: Just got off the phone with God. He says that every believer that doesn't jump off a bridge by 8/10/2012 is going to Hell. Just wanted to get the word out.

so it's safe to masturbate to child porn past that date??


Why should it be different than any other day?
2012-08-08 01:59:09 PM  
1 votes:

BMFPitt: Jon iz teh kewl: BMFPitt: Just got off the phone with God. He says that every believer that doesn't jump off a bridge by 8/10/2012 is going to Hell. Just wanted to get the word out.

so it's safe to masturbate to child porn past that date??

Unless nothing happens. Then I'll push the end date back a few weeks after reconsidering what he said.


what if i get a letter in the mail for my food stamps? that's something!!
2012-08-08 01:56:12 PM  
1 votes:

Jon iz teh kewl: BMFPitt: Just got off the phone with God. He says that every believer that doesn't jump off a bridge by 8/10/2012 is going to Hell. Just wanted to get the word out.

so it's safe to masturbate to child porn past that date??


Unless nothing happens. Then I'll push the end date back a few weeks after reconsidering what he said.
2012-08-08 01:54:15 PM  
1 votes:
2012-08-08 01:53:28 PM  
1 votes:

BMFPitt: Just got off the phone with God. He says that every believer that doesn't jump off a bridge by 8/10/2012 is going to Hell. Just wanted to get the word out.


There's a typo in your sentence. It's "ridge", not "bridge". If you jumped off a bridge already, sorry.
2012-08-08 01:53:20 PM  
1 votes:

que.guero: danielscissorhands: I didn't realize that fiction could be "definitive."

This is more like a Special Edition/Director's Cut/With Extra footage kind of deals. I think it also comes in a limited edition box set with a Moses action figure.


I hope it has a blooper reel!
2012-08-08 01:52:05 PM  
1 votes:
This is the wholly owned and produced by white guys to promote the interests of white guys; i.e. long live white guys version, amirite?
2012-08-08 01:48:42 PM  
1 votes:

Mr Guy: hdhale: What indeed. One of the things that made the Hebrews different from other Semitic tribes was their monotheistic belief system. I'm not sure where that's coming from.

I'm pretty sure he's saying that Jews weren't monotheistic, until they became monotheistic Jews and wrote their holy book. So um. Thanks?


Abraham might tell you that you are wrong...if you believe in that sort of thing.
2012-08-08 01:46:42 PM  
1 votes:

sand_in_my_vagoo: I read the headline as "Definitive Bible Black".

/why yes, my mind is in the gutter


And the Lord then spoke unto Abraham, "Blessed be the pornographers, as long as I get free copies."
2012-08-08 01:42:37 PM  
1 votes:

hdhale: everything in there actually happened or plausibly could have happened


WAT?
2012-08-08 01:41:56 PM  
1 votes:
Did they ever work out that whole celibate vs. celebrate controversy?
2012-08-08 01:40:06 PM  
1 votes:

hdhale: What indeed. One of the things that made the Hebrews different from other Semitic tribes was their monotheistic belief system. I'm not sure where that's coming from.


Oh, they became monotheistic, just about 500 years after the Revised Director's Cut Collector's Edition (With Bonus Scenes!) says it happened.
2012-08-08 01:36:51 PM  
1 votes:

ltdanman44: RexTalionis: The problem with the idea of a "Definitive Bible" of course, is that the scholar Menachem Cohen is relying on a 1000 year old codex as the basis for his version of the Old Testament. There could be a ton of errors introduced between the time of writing of each piece of commentary and text and 1000 AD.

Not to mention that at one time, what was Judaism was a polytheistic religion and the original versions of the Old Testament reflected polytheistic roots. It wasn't until much later that the monotheistic cult within proto-Judaism came about and edited the original version of the Old Testament into a book that only reflected a monotheistic religion.


wat


If you look at the text of the OT, it is a revisionist mess - it is, quite frankly, worse than what some of my freshmen have turned in after a late-night Wikipedia cut-paste-and-thesaurus session. Strip out the later stuff, and what you get is a fragmented account of a fairly bog-standard polytheistic faith. The monotheistic stuff is all in the Wikipedia bits.

Also, despite us going on about religion based on ancient shepherds, most of the OT was written by urbanized white-collar types pining for a past that never was - basically, Manhattan hipster-douche office assistants writing about a Disneyfied, mythical Plymouth Rock.
2012-08-08 01:31:05 PM  
1 votes:
here's a sample of the Old Testament errors:

Stupidipus 1:1
be badworse
2012-08-08 01:27:38 PM  
1 votes:
"This book is a work of fiction. All characters in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental."

/So many problems solved.
2012-08-08 01:24:46 PM  
1 votes:
I read the headline as "Definitive Bible Black".

/why yes, my mind is in the gutter
 
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