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(Times of Israel)   God called. He wants his "Definitive Bible" back   (timesofisrael.com) divider line 114
    More: Interesting, Hebrew Bible, Bibles, Israelis, Torah, Jewish laws, Egyptian Army, Torah Scroll, Bar-Ilan University  
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10715 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Aug 2012 at 1:17 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-08-08 12:37:04 PM
The problem with the idea of a "Definitive Bible" of course, is that the scholar Menachem Cohen is relying on a 1000 year old codex as the basis for his version of the Old Testament. There could be a ton of errors introduced between the time of writing of each piece of commentary and text and 1000 AD.

Not to mention that at one time, what was Judaism was a polytheistic religion and the original versions of the Old Testament reflected polytheistic roots. It wasn't until much later that the monotheistic cult within proto-Judaism came about and edited the original version of the Old Testament into a book that only reflected a monotheistic religion.
 
2012-08-08 12:46:12 PM
Is this like another version of Blade Runner?
 
2012-08-08 01:07:51 PM

kronicfeld: Is this like another version of Blade Runner?


Yes, but it requires more suspension of disbelief than Blade Runner does.
 
2012-08-08 01:17:48 PM
He never should have given Lucas creative control.

"Meesa say love you God bestest mostest of all!"
 
2012-08-08 01:20:20 PM

RexTalionis: The problem with the idea of a "Definitive Bible" of course, is that the scholar Menachem Cohen is relying on a 1000 year old codex as the basis for his version of the Old Testament. There could be a ton of errors introduced between the time of writing of each piece of commentary and text and 1000 AD.

Not to mention that at one time, what was Judaism was a polytheistic religion and the original versions of the Old Testament reflected polytheistic roots. It wasn't until much later that the monotheistic cult within proto-Judaism came about and edited the original version of the Old Testament into a book that only reflected a monotheistic religion.



wat
 
2012-08-08 01:21:38 PM
David shot first!
 
2012-08-08 01:21:46 PM
in the binging God created fark.com and he saw that is was good, and so God divided the verbs and nouns.
and the evening and the morning were the seconded day.
 
2012-08-08 01:24:46 PM
I read the headline as "Definitive Bible Black".

/why yes, my mind is in the gutter
 
2012-08-08 01:25:01 PM
It still says hatin' teh gays is ok, right?

/only important part for some
 
2012-08-08 01:25:26 PM
Judaism trifecta now in play!
 
2012-08-08 01:27:26 PM
I didn't realize that fiction could be "definitive."
 
2012-08-08 01:27:37 PM
in some places the markers used to denote vowels in Hebrew are incorrect; or a letter in a word may be wrong

Turns out, Thou shalt not spill.
 
2012-08-08 01:27:38 PM
"This book is a work of fiction. All characters in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental."

/So many problems solved.
 
2012-08-08 01:29:09 PM

que.guero: Judaism trifecta now in play!


Must be some sort of conspiracy.
 
2012-08-08 01:29:37 PM

ltdanman44: RexTalionis: The problem with the idea of a "Definitive Bible" of course, is that the scholar Menachem Cohen is relying on a 1000 year old codex as the basis for his version of the Old Testament. There could be a ton of errors introduced between the time of writing of each piece of commentary and text and 1000 AD.

Not to mention that at one time, what was Judaism was a polytheistic religion and the original versions of the Old Testament reflected polytheistic roots. It wasn't until much later that the monotheistic cult within proto-Judaism came about and edited the original version of the Old Testament into a book that only reflected a monotheistic religion.


wat


What indeed. One of the things that made the Hebrews different from other Semitic tribes was their monotheistic belief system. I'm not sure where that's coming from.
 
2012-08-08 01:30:45 PM

Louisiana_Sitar_Club: in some places the markers used to denote vowels in Hebrew are incorrect; or a letter in a word may be wrong

Turns out, Thou shalt not spill.


And, amongst the howls of anguish, they could barely make out the pope repeating to himself, "It says 'celeBRATE'"!
 
2012-08-08 01:30:51 PM
Well I'll be damned it did say, "Blessed are the cheese makers."
 
2012-08-08 01:31:01 PM
This is silly, it's like alternate spellings of words and stuff, he is not 'correcting' anything.

*writes 'colour' instead of 'color', claims to have corrected the Bible*

Ridiculous.
 
2012-08-08 01:31:05 PM
here's a sample of the Old Testament errors:

Stupidipus 1:1
be badworse
 
2012-08-08 01:31:21 PM
Are the right-wing nut cases still the only ones who get to decide which parts need to be followed to the letter and are entirely literal and which parts can be ignored or are metaphorical/allegorical?

And will they be able to perceive the cognitive dissonance that occurs when they tell you ALL of it is entirely literal and then proceed to explain that the parts they disagree with are just metaphorical?

Because if this guy managed to pull THAT off, then kudos to him.
 
2012-08-08 01:31:47 PM

hdhale: What indeed. One of the things that made the Hebrews different from other Semitic tribes was their monotheistic belief system. I'm not sure where that's coming from.


I'm pretty sure he's saying that Jews weren't monotheistic, until they became monotheistic Jews and wrote their holy book. So um. Thanks?
 
2012-08-08 01:31:49 PM
I was about 30 before I Learned that nearly every religion uses a different version of "the" Holy Bible. Shut up, I grew up without the intertubes.
 
2012-08-08 01:32:49 PM
If God actually called, we probably would have a definitive Bible.
 
2012-08-08 01:33:59 PM
You can't covet your neighbor's wife, you can't covet your neighbor's ass, but you CAN covet your neighbor's wife's ass...
 
2012-08-08 01:34:05 PM

Tatsuma: *writes 'colour' instead of 'color', claims to have corrected the Bible*


IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW, THANK YOU BASED TATSUMA
 
2012-08-08 01:36:19 PM
It says CelebRate
 
2012-08-08 01:36:51 PM

ltdanman44: RexTalionis: The problem with the idea of a "Definitive Bible" of course, is that the scholar Menachem Cohen is relying on a 1000 year old codex as the basis for his version of the Old Testament. There could be a ton of errors introduced between the time of writing of each piece of commentary and text and 1000 AD.

Not to mention that at one time, what was Judaism was a polytheistic religion and the original versions of the Old Testament reflected polytheistic roots. It wasn't until much later that the monotheistic cult within proto-Judaism came about and edited the original version of the Old Testament into a book that only reflected a monotheistic religion.


wat


If you look at the text of the OT, it is a revisionist mess - it is, quite frankly, worse than what some of my freshmen have turned in after a late-night Wikipedia cut-paste-and-thesaurus session. Strip out the later stuff, and what you get is a fragmented account of a fairly bog-standard polytheistic faith. The monotheistic stuff is all in the Wikipedia bits.

Also, despite us going on about religion based on ancient shepherds, most of the OT was written by urbanized white-collar types pining for a past that never was - basically, Manhattan hipster-douche office assistants writing about a Disneyfied, mythical Plymouth Rock.
 
2012-08-08 01:37:11 PM
So, did Jesus shoot first or what??
 
2012-08-08 01:37:12 PM

Prank Call of Cthulhu: "This book is a work of fiction. All characters in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental."

/So many problems solved.


Except that not all the characters are fiction, everything in there actually happened or plausibly could have happened even if the stated reason may not be true and at no point is anything a mere coincidence. Indeed there's some pretty compelling arguments that even how things were written down was purposely done to hide additional text for unknown reasons.

Declaring it total fiction is simply intellectually lazy.
 
2012-08-08 01:39:11 PM

hdhale: ltdanman44: RexTalionis: The problem with the idea of a "Definitive Bible" of course, is that the scholar Menachem Cohen is relying on a 1000 year old codex as the basis for his version of the Old Testament. There could be a ton of errors introduced between the time of writing of each piece of commentary and text and 1000 AD.

Not to mention that at one time, what was Judaism was a polytheistic religion and the original versions of the Old Testament reflected polytheistic roots. It wasn't until much later that the monotheistic cult within proto-Judaism came about and edited the original version of the Old Testament into a book that only reflected a monotheistic religion.


wat

What indeed. One of the things that made the Hebrews different from other Semitic tribes was their monotheistic belief system. I'm not sure where that's coming from.


There is evidence, through archaeological research in other Levantine and Semitic religions as well as the Documentary Hypothesis of the Bible, that the Israelite tribes developed true monotheism rather late. The bible even contains references to this in Josiah's reforms where he cleans the temple and shutters the other "shrines" in Israel.

The Bible is one of the largest and most successful pieces of religious and political propaganda in the world. Don't imagine that the Jews were always, from time immemorial, monotheists, because it's not archaeologically or historically true.
 
2012-08-08 01:39:19 PM
That's actually pretty cool.
 
2012-08-08 01:39:40 PM

danielscissorhands: I didn't realize that fiction could be "definitive."


This is more like a Special Edition/Director's Cut/With Extra footage kind of deals. I think it also comes in a limited edition box set with a Moses action figure.
 
2012-08-08 01:40:06 PM

hdhale: What indeed. One of the things that made the Hebrews different from other Semitic tribes was their monotheistic belief system. I'm not sure where that's coming from.


Oh, they became monotheistic, just about 500 years after the Revised Director's Cut Collector's Edition (With Bonus Scenes!) says it happened.
 
2012-08-08 01:41:04 PM
The definitive New Testament has a definitive epilogue.

"And thus, Jews were not responsible for the death of Jesus. Jesus was Jewish. Well, that is if there even was a Jesus. Please note that this was all just an allegory. For anyone that has been negatively effected by any confusion resulting from this, we apologize for 2 thousand years of anti-semitism."
 
2012-08-08 01:41:56 PM
Did they ever work out that whole celibate vs. celebrate controversy?
 
2012-08-08 01:42:37 PM

hdhale: everything in there actually happened or plausibly could have happened


WAT?
 
2012-08-08 01:43:20 PM

hdhale: Prank Call of Cthulhu: "This book is a work of fiction. All characters in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental."

/So many problems solved.

Except that not all the characters are fiction, everything in there actually happened or plausibly could have happened even if the stated reason may not be true and at no point is anything a mere coincidence. Indeed there's some pretty compelling arguments that even how things were written down was purposely done to hide additional text for unknown reasons.

Declaring it total fiction is simply intellectually lazy.


Lots of movies & stories mention real life people and events in them, based in the very real culture of the time period of that particular story, and they're still considered fiction.
 
2012-08-08 01:44:40 PM
This is the one that's okay with the the pig eating and the gays, right?
 
2012-08-08 01:45:04 PM
i only trust this version

www.openheaven.com
 
2012-08-08 01:46:42 PM
Jew COmmandment 1:

Make lots gobs of money
 
2012-08-08 01:46:42 PM

sand_in_my_vagoo: I read the headline as "Definitive Bible Black".

/why yes, my mind is in the gutter


And the Lord then spoke unto Abraham, "Blessed be the pornographers, as long as I get free copies."
 
2012-08-08 01:46:59 PM

hdhale: Except that not all the characters are fiction, everything in there actually happened or plausibly could have happened even if the stated reason may not be true and at no point is anything a mere coincidence. Indeed there's some pretty compelling arguments that even how things were written down was purposely done to hide additional text for unknown reasons.


So it is all real, but the writers all intentionally chose - despite being from several different centuries and intellectual/theological strains of Judaism - to write it as if it was a series of non-factual stories that are obviously heavily and badly edited and re-edited and re-re-edited? That is ... "impressive"
 
2012-08-08 01:47:08 PM

Tatsuma: This is silly, it's like alternate spellings of words and stuff,


Alternates ARE silly.

i.imgur.com
 
2012-08-08 01:47:14 PM
We still get to stone people though right?
 
2012-08-08 01:48:42 PM

Mr Guy: hdhale: What indeed. One of the things that made the Hebrews different from other Semitic tribes was their monotheistic belief system. I'm not sure where that's coming from.

I'm pretty sure he's saying that Jews weren't monotheistic, until they became monotheistic Jews and wrote their holy book. So um. Thanks?


Abraham might tell you that you are wrong...if you believe in that sort of thing.
 
2012-08-08 01:50:01 PM
Just got off the phone with God. He says that every believer that doesn't jump off a bridge by 8/10/2012 is going to Hell. Just wanted to get the word out.
 
2012-08-08 01:51:08 PM

Prank Call of Cthulhu: "This book is a work of fiction. All characters in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental."

/So many problems solved.


Actually, if you simply consider it a description of true events.
A collection of observation & interpretation of things not often understandable or experienced first-hand
at the age & time of relating.

And the valueset as a guide rather than a literal.

Then that would solve the problems too,
without considering it a work of total fiction

/to preserve whatever your own sense of reality & truth is
 
2012-08-08 01:51:35 PM
Yeah, let's start off with the corrections about God.
First of all, she's black...
 
2012-08-08 01:52:02 PM

BMFPitt: Just got off the phone with God. He says that every believer that doesn't jump off a bridge by 8/10/2012 is going to Hell. Just wanted to get the word out.


so it's safe to masturbate to child porn past that date??
 
2012-08-08 01:52:05 PM
This is the wholly owned and produced by white guys to promote the interests of white guys; i.e. long live white guys version, amirite?
 
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