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(Daily Mail)   Finally, the true secret to a happy marriage is revealed. Get angry   (dailymail.co.uk) divider line 45
    More: Amusing, positive psychology, University of Tennessee, drug-related crime, china trains  
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10271 clicks; posted to Main » on 04 Aug 2012 at 5:06 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-08-04 12:22:30 AM
He said the 'short-term discomfort of an angry but honest conversation' can benefit the health of a relationship in the long term.


It's called being beaten into submission, doctor.
 
2012-08-04 12:25:55 AM
if you beat your wife, you will be happy for the rest of your life.
 
2012-08-04 01:12:36 AM
Or you can have a happy marriage as explained by Jimmy Soul
 
2012-08-04 01:17:34 AM
Problems crop up when people stuff their feelings and freak out over something minor instead of dealing with the real issue. Being angry about something isn't bad unless it is a lifestyle and constant habit.
 
2012-08-04 02:21:07 AM
I TOLD YOU TO DO THE DISHES.

/doing it right?
 
2012-08-04 03:52:57 AM
Finally, the true secret to a happy marriage is revealed. Get angry DON'T

FTFY, Subby.
 
2012-08-04 05:08:37 AM
Angry sex. The only way to go.

/not that i'd know about anything like that.
 
2012-08-04 05:19:58 AM
The secret to a happy marriage:

When you get married, you buy a REALLY good bottle of tequila. This is HIS tequila. Throughout the marriage, the woman will get her way at all times, unless the man just cannot allow that to happen - be it for financial ruin reasons or just sheer male obstinance. Then he takes 2 shots of tequila, puts his foot down and says "WOMAN, this is the way its going to be" and she at that point will submit (like a woman SHOULD at all times, but wont happily)

The catch is you only get one bottle of tequila, so you really REALLY have to deny your wife what she wants sparingly and disappoint her only when absolutely necessary.
 
2012-08-04 05:41:01 AM
Wow, I must have a really good wife. The only major fight we got into was over her sisters kid that wants to get all the relatives to support him. He would call at 9:00 at night and demand that she bring him food. I had to put my foot down on that, (no not litreally). Other than that, we have been together for 3 years and we have had no major fights.

/Hey she puts up with me drinking and posting on fark at 2:40 A.M.
 
2012-08-04 05:43:02 AM
FTFA: He said the 'short-term discomfort of an angry but honest conversation' can benefit the health of a relationship in the long term.

Wow. I love when we draw completely stupid conclusions about good research. McNulty always does this, too, he starts with good ideas and research methods, but then his conclusions come from freaking left field. You cannot focus on the behaviors and then credit the emotion with the outcome. You can have open and honest conversation without hostility and anger and just as much good comes from it. I will give it to him on his research on anger and partner repeat transgressions... so it would seem the anger itself has SOME benefit. But really what his research collectively seems to imply is that you should not have a draconian view of any emotional process, and that situationally anger can either be helpful or not. To draw the conclusion from that, though, that anger is what keeps couples together is completely and utterly absurd. Just TRY getting someone to honestly and rationally communicate when they're in a rage. Seriously, just try and let me know how that works out for ya. The trick is to get angry by yourself, but then move on and address the ISSUE that made you angry with your SO.
 
2012-08-04 05:53:22 AM

I sound fat: The secret to a happy marriage:

When you get married, you buy a REALLY good bottle of tequila. This is HIS tequila. Throughout the marriage, the woman will get her way at all times, unless the man just cannot allow that to happen - be it for financial ruin reasons or just sheer male obstinance. Then he takes 2 shots of tequila, puts his foot down and says "WOMAN, this is the way its going to be" and she at that point will submit (like a woman SHOULD at all times, but wont happily)

The catch is you only get one bottle of tequila, so you really REALLY have to deny your wife what she wants sparingly and disappoint her only when absolutely necessary.


I agree, except that I think one bottle of tequila per year is probably a better level.

I mean - what happens when you run out of tequila 6 months in ?
 
2012-08-04 05:57:48 AM
batcookie Smartest
Funniest
2012-08-04 05:43:02 AM


FTFA: He said the 'short-term discomfort of an angry but honest conversation' can benefit the health of a relationship in the long term.

Wow. I love when we draw completely stupid conclusions about good research. McNulty always does this, too, he starts with good ideas and research methods, but then his conclusions come from freaking left field. You cannot focus on the behaviors and then credit the emotion with the outcome. You can have open and honest conversation without hostility and anger and just as much good comes from it. I will give it to him on his research on anger and partner repeat transgressions... so it would seem the anger itself has SOME benefit. But really what his research collectively seems to imply is that you should not have a draconian view of any emotional process, and that situationally anger can either be helpful or not. To draw the conclusion from that, though, that anger is what keeps couples together is completely and utterly absurd. Just TRY getting someone to honestly and rationally communicate when they're in a rage. Seriously, just try and let me know how that works out for ya. The trick is to get angry by yourself, but then move on and address the ISSUE that made you angry with your SO.


Totally agree. If you are in a rage/totally angry, back off and chill out. Then approach the problem realistically. A relationship is a partnership and requires comprimise on both people. If one of you cannot do that then get out, because it is screwed.
 
2012-08-04 05:59:10 AM
technabob.com
 
2012-08-04 06:32:55 AM
CSB: Let me start by saying that, even though this is FARK, we can all agree that domestic violence is not funny and no one deserves to have the shiat beat out of them, no matter what.

Was working on a construction site a few years ago. Company had rented a fleet of school buses to shuttle the workers from an off-site parking lot to the job site. One Monday morning this dude climbs on board the very crowded bus and sits beside a buddy. They start up a conversation, both of them talking in loud voices:

Guy #1: Yo Jimmy, where have you been, we been missing ya?

Guy#2: Took a little vacation.

Guy#1: That's cool, where did you go?

Guy#2: Was in the slammer. Judge gave me 30 days for domestic violence. Had to take an anger management course while I was in.

Guy#1: How did that go?

Guy#2: Was boring as shiat, but I told my parole officer that it seems to be working 'cause I don't beat her up as much as I used to.

WTF???
 
2012-08-04 06:37:05 AM
Your favorite beer SUCKS
 
2012-08-04 06:37:09 AM

ChromoSomes: CSB: Let me start by saying that, even though this is FARK, we can all agree that domestic violence is not funny and no one deserves to have the shiat beat out of them, no matter what.

Was working on a construction site a few years ago. Company had rented a fleet of school buses to shuttle the workers from an off-site parking lot to the job site. One Monday morning this dude climbs on board the very crowded bus and sits beside a buddy. They start up a conversation, both of them talking in loud voices:

Guy #1: Yo Jimmy, where have you been, we been missing ya?

Guy#2: Took a little vacation.

Guy#1: That's cool, where did you go?

Guy#2: Was in the slammer. Judge gave me 30 days for domestic violence. Had to take an anger management course while I was in.

Guy#1: How did that go?

Guy#2: Was boring as shiat, but I told my parole officer that it seems to be working 'cause I don't beat her up as much as I used to.

WTF???


That actually shows a surprising amount of self-awareness from a domestic abuser. That guy acknowledges that it's his own anger problems that are the issue and that him lessening (and ideally at some point STOPPING) said behaviors is a desirable thing. Most of them either think of themselves as some sort of victim or see violence as a means of control as a natural and/or positive thing.
 
2012-08-04 06:37:29 AM
set your terms


don't be uncompromising, but let them know what tiks at you.
people aren't psychic.
don't assume they know
don't assume they "should" know (no, a raised eyebrow or tone of voice, etc...doesn't count)

if you don't tell them, then that is unfair to them

and it is irrelevant how "much" they love you, people can NOT read minds.
do you really want them to??? don't make them guess, tell them.

even if they get angry, annoyed, ignore it, etc...at least they know now
BTW, repeat it. people forget.
 
2012-08-04 06:49:12 AM
The biggest problems in a marriage occur when either of the spouses is more concerned with what he or she gets than with what is given. The idea behind a marriage is that each spouse sublimates his or her self NOT to the other but to the marriage. Marriage is as much about the responsibilities as it is the rights.
 
2012-08-04 06:58:03 AM
Finally, the true secret to an angry marriage is revealed. Get happy

FTFSubby
 
2012-08-04 07:02:01 AM
I love how every time a subject like "perfect marriage" comes up, the conversation immediately goes to abuse and physical violence.

Setting that aside... The study in the article is a complete waste of time, resources, money, and anything else you can think of. Because the history of relationships has been studied up to the eyeballs for 100s of years. And nothing new has come of it except that there is more equality for women.

The thing is, it doesn't matter if the relationship in question is between 2 dudes, or 2 girls, or an other obvious combination. Things are going to happen. There will be arguments. When marriage is involved (especially if there are kids), it makes it more complicated - far more - because there is more at stake than you can simply walk away from.

Now that I've stated the obvious, without even reading the article, I can tell you the same conclusion that took years of intensive study for these jerkoffs to come to:
Talk - Use your words - Communicate.
Listen - Hear the other person's words.
Don't do stupid shiat.
Don't cheat.
Don't hide things and lie.
Don't assume the other person is doing all those "don't" things to you.
Don't be an abusive asshole.

There you have it... 7 points to a reasonably happy marriage. And let me add one more. Even if you think you've got it all figured out, think again. Something new will always enter the mix. Welcome to the dynamic that we call "life".

In the end, "getting angry" is, in itself, a form of communication, and bottling it up is a form of lying. So I am not off the mark with anything I said.
 
2012-08-04 07:08:03 AM
FTA

James McNulty, associate professor at the University of Tennessee, found that forgiving may actually build up resentment.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2183169/The-secret-happ y-marriage-Dont-forgive-forget-row-instead-say-researchers.html#ixzz22 ZfSIrEk


I spy a University of Tennessee associate prof who doesn't know what the word "forgive" means apparently.

How the hell does someone score a tenured position without a dictionary is beyond me.
 
2012-08-04 07:51:19 AM
The really true secret: Never get married.
 
2012-08-04 07:53:04 AM

AbbeySomeone: Problems crop up when people stuff their feelings and freak out over something minor instead of dealing with the real issue. Being angry about something isn't bad unless it is a lifestyle and constant habit.


My ex was unbelievably good at arguing. I could be 100% right but still end up losing the fight so I just learned to let it go. I did exactly what you mentioned but would periodically blow up at something stupid and petty, making me look even more like an idiot. Finally had it and walked after many years of living with someone I didn't like and who certainly didn't like me. That was eight years ago and I never regretted having been married because we had great kids - or ending it although my financial situation was pretty much farked. I have since remarried and five years later, I am very happy. Life is too short.
 
2012-08-04 08:23:35 AM

rogue49: set your terms


don't be uncompromising, but let them know what tiks at you.
people aren't psychic.
don't assume they know
don't assume they "should" know (no, a raised eyebrow or tone of voice, etc...doesn't count)

if you don't tell them, then that is unfair to them

and it is irrelevant how "much" they love you, people can NOT read minds.
do you really want them to??? don't make them guess, tell them.

even if they get angry, annoyed, ignore it, etc...at least they know now
BTW, repeat it. people forget.


Ne'er truer words were spoken. I'm kinda anal about alot of things, I find myself irritated with people for minor "transgressions" all the time. When i find its something i absolutely can not let slide, i find some way to tell them. Sometimes i have the time to work it out calmly in my head first, sometimes i blow up a bit, but bottling it up just causes resentment on both sides. I'm angry about the slight, and they're confused and upset because they don't know what MY problem is.

Communication is key!
 
2012-08-04 08:25:06 AM
I'm supposed to take relationship advice from Jimmy McNulty??
I'll pass.
 
2012-08-04 09:03:17 AM
how do you meet people when your nice to everyone?? be angry?
 
2012-08-04 09:07:06 AM
The wife and I killed our marriage by trying too damn hard. We were both children of divorce, and we wanted to NOT be like our folks. We wound up trying to change ourselves to meet the expectations of each other, and oddly enough, since we did these things to please someone else, and without really talking about what we expected, we wound up resenting each other.

We weren't really honest with one another, and that resentment built up, and it turned ugly.

The new girl critter and I disagree on a lot. But we're honest about it. You can disagree, you can argue, but without blowing up. It's healthier. She demanded 100% honesty from the get go, and it's not always comfortable sometimes, but we always know where we stand, and I respect the Hells out of her because I know exactly why she feels the way she does on things. And she respects that we don't always agree. We aren't a joined collective that has to agree on everything. We are our own people, and we choose to be together, despite our differences. Because of our differences even, because we force each other to consider more options. She calls me on my bullsh*t, and that makes me a better human. I call her out on her's, and you can do that without making someone else feel like crap. It's not earth shattering advice, but it's odd how often people forget this. Hiding a piece of yourself because you're afraid of losing someone isn't healthy, and it's not fair to your partner. They either get you, or they don't, and dragging things out by hiding feelings doesn't do anything but build up resentment and fear...
 
2012-08-04 09:09:42 AM

hubiestubert: The wife and I killed our marriage by trying too damn hard. We were both children of divorce, and we wanted to NOT be like our folks. We wound up trying to change ourselves to meet the expectations of each other, and oddly enough, since we did these things to please someone else, and without really talking about what we expected, we wound up resenting each other.

We weren't really honest with one another, and that resentment built up, and it turned ugly.

The new girl critter and I disagree on a lot. But we're honest about it. You can disagree, you can argue, but without blowing up. It's healthier. She demanded 100% honesty from the get go, and it's not always comfortable sometimes, but we always know where we stand, and I respect the Hells out of her because I know exactly why she feels the way she does on things. And she respects that we don't always agree. We aren't a joined collective that has to agree on everything. We are our own people, and we choose to be together, despite our differences. Because of our differences even, because we force each other to consider more options. She calls me on my bullsh*t, and that makes me a better human. I call her out on her's, and you can do that without making someone else feel like crap. It's not earth shattering advice, but it's odd how often people forget this. Hiding a piece of yourself because you're afraid of losing someone isn't healthy, and it's not fair to your partner. They either get you, or they don't, and dragging things out by hiding feelings doesn't do anything but build up resentment and fear...


try LSD?
 
2012-08-04 09:37:35 AM

Captain Hollywood: I'm supposed to take relationship advice from Jimmy McNulty??
I'll pass.



Came for this
 
2012-08-04 09:46:25 AM

Jon iz teh kewl: hubiestubert: The wife and I killed our marriage by trying too damn hard. We were both children of divorce, and we wanted to NOT be like our folks. We wound up trying to change ourselves to meet the expectations of each other, and oddly enough, since we did these things to please someone else, and without really talking about what we expected, we wound up resenting each other.

We weren't really honest with one another, and that resentment built up, and it turned ugly.

The new girl critter and I disagree on a lot. But we're honest about it. You can disagree, you can argue, but without blowing up. It's healthier. She demanded 100% honesty from the get go, and it's not always comfortable sometimes, but we always know where we stand, and I respect the Hells out of her because I know exactly why she feels the way she does on things. And she respects that we don't always agree. We aren't a joined collective that has to agree on everything. We are our own people, and we choose to be together, despite our differences. Because of our differences even, because we force each other to consider more options. She calls me on my bullsh*t, and that makes me a better human. I call her out on her's, and you can do that without making someone else feel like crap. It's not earth shattering advice, but it's odd how often people forget this. Hiding a piece of yourself because you're afraid of losing someone isn't healthy, and it's not fair to your partner. They either get you, or they don't, and dragging things out by hiding feelings doesn't do anything but build up resentment and fear...

try LSD?




Krieger: Emotions like love don't actually come from the heart, they come from..
Archer:..THE BRAIN!
Krieger:Yeah.... Or LSD.
 
2012-08-04 09:49:23 AM

hubiestubert: Because of our differences even, because we force each other to consider more options. She calls me on my bullsh*t, and that makes me a better human. I call her out on her's, and you can do that without making someone else feel like crap. It's not earth shattering advice, but it's odd how often people forget this. Hiding a piece of yourself because you're afraid of losing someone isn't healthy, and it's not fair to your partner. They either get you, or they don't, and dragging things out by hiding feelings doesn't do anything but build up resentment and fear...


One of the things I like about Lordfortuna is that he also calls me on things, but lately he's been doing it more in the fashion of his father, which is to be basically an asshole about it. There are many ways to set someone straight without making them feel even worse than they already do. Our last fight was over a little thing, except it wasn't so little to me because he made me feel like he was calling me stupid in his responses. So I was mad not about the original issue, but the way he treated me in dealing with it. It's becoming common enough that I am very close to just telling him if he wants to act like his father, he can do it without me around.

So yeah I guess the point is, if you act like an asshole, eventually people will get tired of it.
 
2012-08-04 09:51:32 AM

snow9999: Wow, I must have a really good wife. The only major fight we got into was over her sisters kid that wants to get all the relatives to support him. He would call at 9:00 at night and demand that she bring him food. I had to put my foot down on that, (no not litreally). Other than that, we have been together for 3 years and we have had no major fights.

/Hey she puts up with me drinking and posting on fark at 2:40 A.M.


A whole 3 years, huh?

Be careful, sometimes no fighting is a sign of something much worse: No communication. You think you're all fine, meanwhile she's passive aggressive farking some dude behind your back. Which is what I think this article is getting at.
 
2012-08-04 10:27:09 AM
Newsflash: Being honest to yourself and your partner in a marriage is healthy.
 
2012-08-04 10:34:19 AM

I sound fat: The secret to a happy marriage:

When you get married, you buy a REALLY good bottle of tequila. This is HIS tequila. Throughout the marriage, the woman will get her way at all times, unless the man just cannot allow that to happen - be it for financial ruin reasons or just sheer male obstinance. Then he takes 2 shots of tequila, puts his foot down and says "WOMAN, this is the way its going to be" and she at that point will submit (like a woman SHOULD at all times, but wont happily)

The catch is you only get one bottle of tequila, so you really REALLY have to deny your wife what she wants sparingly and disappoint her only when absolutely necessary.


And when the bottle runs out, you hire a divorce lawyer.

/This actually sounds like a decent plan!
 
2012-08-04 11:20:11 AM
I told a relative of mine about this article and was told that couples who don't regularly disagree aren't communicating
 
2012-08-04 11:42:57 AM
fark that. Speaking as someone whose convicted and bi-polar ex is doing mandatory anger management as part of his parole, because he couldn't contain his anger with me for not unpacking a farking suitcase sooner, that's the worst advice ever.

/it's ok if I can't control myself, a Daily Fail article told me so!
 
2012-08-04 11:51:21 AM

batcookie: FTFA: He said the 'short-term discomfort of an angry but honest conversation' can benefit the health of a relationship in the long term.

Wow. I love when we draw completely stupid conclusions about good research. McNulty always does this, too, he starts with good ideas and research methods, but then his conclusions come from freaking left field. You cannot focus on the behaviors and then credit the emotion with the outcome. You can have open and honest conversation without hostility and anger and just as much good comes from it. I will give it to him on his research on anger and partner repeat transgressions... so it would seem the anger itself has SOME benefit. But really what his research collectively seems to imply is that you should not have a draconian view of any emotional process, and that situationally anger can either be helpful or not. To draw the conclusion from that, though, that anger is what keeps couples together is completely and utterly absurd. Just TRY getting someone to honestly and rationally communicate when they're in a rage. Seriously, just try and let me know how that works out for ya. The trick is to get angry by yourself, but then move on and address the ISSUE that made you angry with your SO.


Came here to say this.
 
2012-08-04 11:56:18 AM
That's my secret, I'm always angry.

/hulks out
//cant believe nobody thought of this
 
2012-08-04 12:35:45 PM
i.imgur.com

"Ummm . . . make-up sex."
 
2012-08-04 12:56:37 PM
i.dailymail.co.uk

Damn sexist cake...why's it gotta be the man stuffed head first? Why not the woman, she's the real cause of all the marriage's problems.

I'm not bitter...I'M NOT BITTER!

/anger doesn't fix things, my ex and I were both angry people and it just made things worse
//well that and her cheating

Also:

Professor McNulty:

www.buzzflash.com
 
2012-08-04 02:16:34 PM
We aren't married, but we've been together since I was 17.

1.) Remind them you aren't a mind reader, and realize the same for the other
2.) When you really hate them (which you will), remember that they take the same amount of dumb shiat from you
3.) Have sex with other people.
 
2012-08-04 02:35:34 PM
don't be uncompromising, but let them know what tiks at you.
people aren't psychic.
don't assume they know
don't assume they "should" know (no, a raised eyebrow or tone of voice, etc...doesn't count)
if you don't tell them, then that is unfair to them
and it is irrelevant how "much" they love you, people can NOT read minds. do you really want them to??? don't make them guess, tell them.
even if they get angry, annoyed, ignore it, etc...at least they know now
BTW, repeat it. people forget.

Talk - Use your words - Communicate.
Listen - Hear the other person's words.
Don't do stupid shiat.
Don't cheat.
Don't hide things and lie.
Don't assume the other person is doing all those "don't" things to you.
Don't be an abusive asshole.

I'm going to add a few to these lists:
Never take your partner for granted - they are individuals and could walk at any time if you get too out of hand.
Never believe that winning a fight is without cost. It always has a cost in stress on the relationship. (See Stopit's post)
ALWAYS respect you partner.

Mr RocketScientist and I have been together for close to 30 years. Our secret is that when we have a disagreement, we stop and think "Who does this matter more to?" and go with that. The 'winner' gets their way, but knows that the 'loser' let them win, and expects the same when it means more to them. It involves letting go of power and trusting the other person though and many people can't do this. The other thing we do is to try to find a way for both to have what they want, as most of the time the desires are not diametrically opposed.


So I was mad not about the original issue, but the way he treated me in dealing with it. It's becoming common enough that I am very close to just telling him if he wants to act like his father, he can do it without me around.

Have you pointed out to him that he is becoming his father? He may not notice (becoming your parent is rather insidious) and be appalled when you point it out. Talk to him about it when he is not mad about something already. That is the difference between being a helpful mate and being a vindictive one.


Be careful, sometimes no fighting is a sign of something much worse: No communication. You think you're all fine, meanwhile she's passive aggressive farking some dude behind your back. Which is what I think this article is getting at.

from above:
Don't assume the other person is doing all those "don't" things to you.

If you 'win' all the disagreements you may end up with passive aggressive behavior, however that is no reason to assume your partner is cheating.
 
2012-08-04 02:55:23 PM

Fluorescent Testicle: [technabob.com image 600x399]


Came here for combustible lemons. Leaving to burn your house down. With the lemons.
 
2012-08-04 05:23:26 PM
This study brought to you by Professor Fester Addams.
 
2012-08-04 11:21:21 PM

durbnpoisn: I love how every time a subject like "perfect marriage" comes up, the conversation immediately goes to abuse and physical violence.

Setting that aside... The study in the article is a complete waste of time, resources, money, and anything else you can think of. Because the history of relationships has been studied up to the eyeballs for 100s of years. And nothing new has come of it except that there is more equality for women.

The thing is, it doesn't matter if the relationship in question is between 2 dudes, or 2 girls, or an other obvious combination. Things are going to happen. There will be arguments. When marriage is involved (especially if there are kids), it makes it more complicated - far more - because there is more at stake than you can simply walk away from.

Now that I've stated the obvious, without even reading the article, I can tell you the same conclusion that took years of intensive study for these jerkoffs to come to:
Talk - Use your words - Communicate.
Listen - Hear the other person's words.
Don't do stupid shiat.
Don't cheat.
Don't hide things and lie.
Don't assume the other person is doing all those "don't" things to you.
Don't be an abusive asshole.

There you have it... 7 points to a reasonably happy marriage. And let me add one more. Even if you think you've got it all figured out, think again. Something new will always enter the mix. Welcome to the dynamic that we call "life".

In the end, "getting angry" is, in itself, a form of communication, and bottling it up is a form of lying. So I am not off the mark with anything I said.


There was no study cited, no reference for us to evaluate. In the end it says: "McNulty found there was no single answer to the problem.
There is no 'magic bullet,' no single way to think or behave in a relationship.
'The consequences of each decision we make in our relationships depends on the circumstances that surround that decision.' "

So, this was very thin on evidence at best this was only a hypotheses. So, I doubt very much that any money etc. was wasted on this article. However, I completely agree that one should not cover over problems in a marriage if you want it to last or function to the benefit of either partner. A marriage with no discussions of problems of one partner or the other is not modern or based on contemporary values in most countries.
 
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