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(SacBee)   Hollywood turns Santa into everything from lovable old elf, to Martian-conquering hero, to ax-wielding psychopath   ( divider line
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4719 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Nov 2003 at 4:12 PM (14 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2003-11-18 11:17:30 AM  
Say what you will about Billy Bob's Santa, but in my book, the cruelest most evl Santa ever was the one in the 1964 Rankin/Bass claymation epc, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

Allow me to briefly make my case.

(1) Intolerance and Racism

You will recall that Rudolph's ostracization came first at the hands of his father, Donner. While momma reindeer was tolerant and even accepting of Rudolph's perceived "disablity," his father would have none of it. So when it came time for the reindeer games, Donner rubbed dirt on Rudolph's nose to hide that which made him "different." You will recall that after Rudolph delighted and amazed everyone with his abilities, the dirt fell off revealing his true nose. Despite Rudolph's talent, he was hounded off the field by others who saw his nose as a "handicap."

In comes Santa Claus. Surely Santa will see the injusice of the other reindeers' mockery and will set things straigh. Surely Santa sees the horrible cruelty heaped upon Rudolph by his ugly, ignorant peers. Surely Santa will treat Rudolph with the milk of elven kindness, right? Wrong. Santa's reaction is, and I quote:

"Donner, you ought to be ashamed. And he had such promise."

Even Santa Claus rejects Rudolph, treating this child with such racist venom as to shame him into running away from his home and his community. It's enough to make one wonder how Santa treats black children on the day of Christ's birth. Or Jews.

Santa's intolerance and racism extends even to the toys themslves. Toys that are as "different" as Rudolph are summarily cast aside, tossed away to be denied love, hope, and basic existence. "Misfit" toys are freighted away to an island concentration camp. Freighted away, one imagines, in boxcars. Boxcars with square wheels.

(2) Heavy Handed Labor Relations

Conformity is the quality to be cherished under Santa's despotic reign, that much is sure. Although Santa's administration's disregard of rights is shockingly demonstrated by his racist policies, as described supra, one cannot overlook his unjust management practices, as well.

Elves are assigned in Santa's land to a career, presumably from birth. Moreover, one's career is determined by your race and species. Reindeer? You fly! Snowman? Narrate! Elf? Make toys! And what becomes of one who seeks to express individuality and select their own career path? An example is found in Hermey. Hermey wants to be a dentist, not a toymaker. The response from Santa's middle managers is swft and cruel. Hermey can't be a dentist. Hermey has to paint wagons. By merely suggesting his interest in seeking an alternative career path, Hermey is physically abused by a supervising elf who bears a strking resemblance to Mel Cooley on the old "Dick Van Dyke Show." Hermey's only response is to flee the community. What is Santa's reponse to such physical and mental abuse? Seemingly nothing. In fact, the only time Santa even mentions his workers is to insult them, as in this exchange:

Mrs. Claus: Eat, Poppa, eat.
Claus: How can I eat? That silly Elf Song is driving me crazy.

Santa demonstrates his hatred of his workers who are treated as mere chattel in law and in fact. One need not look back far in history to see the planation owner expressing the same dismay at the negro spirituals sung by his slaves. Santa is that plantation owner. And elves are his slaves.

I could go on and on and on and on and on and on about the manifest evil in Rankin/Bass's Santa, and I have. Let me sum up by noting that a Santa who demonstrates such callous disregard and even animosity towards basic human (or elvish or reindeer) rights cannot be deemed as "less evil" then a the "Bad Santa" redneck version whose crimes are limited to extra-marital sex, mild intolerance of children, and penchants for alcohol and gambling.
2003-11-18 11:34:29 AM  
It's enough to make one wonder how Santa treats black children on the day of Christ's birth. Or Jews.

2003-11-18 02:51:35 PM  
In defense on Santa you'd have issues also if you only came once a year.
2003-11-18 04:17:14 PM  
Droppo, you're the laziest man on Mars!
2003-11-18 04:17:20 PM  
2003-11-18 04:19:21 PM  
Looks like they're not out of ideas after all!
2003-11-18 04:20:15 PM  
Can't forget Dan Akroyd in 'Trading Places.'
2003-11-18 04:22:22 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

2003-11-18 04:22:46 PM  
Is anyone else scared about the prospect of an old guy with a long beard that sits outside your house waiting for you to fall asleep?
2003-11-18 04:27:10 PM  
I used to love the old song, "Santa Bring My Baby Back To Me" until I realized it was about the kidnapping and murder of an infant on Christmas Eve. Gruesome stuff really.
2003-11-18 04:27:37 PM  
<img src="">
2003-11-18 04:27:58 PM  
I personally can't wait for Christmas On Mars (the movie written and directed by the Flaming Lips). The trailer alone, complete with Santa alien autopsy, proves it'll be a classic.
2003-11-18 04:28:51 PM  
At least they haven't made him gay......yet
2003-11-18 04:30:23 PM  
Lars...if you could go on and on, you should. Best laugh of the day!


Who makes sure to make the wife watch Santa Claus vs. the Martians every time she makes me watch "It's a wonderful life".
2003-11-18 04:30:44 PM  
You asshats are gonna be sucking hind tit on Dec 25 if you don't quit dissing Santa.
2003-11-18 04:30:59 PM  
Hollywood turns Santa into everything from lovable old elf, to Martian-conquering hero, to ax-wielding psychopath

Sounds like all the same person to me. Santa is vast, he contains multitudes.
2003-11-18 04:31:43 PM  
Holy crap LarsThorwald, you put way too much thought into that. And there are no tough guys named Lars.

Glad to see StrikitRich brought up Akroyd's portrayal, drunk on MadDog, pulling a smoked salmon out of his pouch and gnawing on it disgustingly. And I believe he was about to commit suicide as well... what an image for the holidays!
2003-11-18 04:33:27 PM  
2003-11-18 04:20:15 PM StrikitRich

Can't forget Dan Akroyd in 'Trading Places.'


I can't forget Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places (or anything else for that matter)
2003-11-18 04:33:41 PM  
I am evil Sant-A! I am evil Sant-A! I am evil Santa...

Seeing as how I'm fat, I've got long hair and a ZZ Top-ish beard, I plan to use a can of white halloween hair color spray, don a black santa hat and go terrorizing the masses of kids this christmas. It's evil and dirty, but somebodys got to do it.

</ Hates those damn kids.
2003-11-18 04:34:34 PM  
Way off topic but thought you farkers need to know:
I spent about 1.5 hours reading/posting etc
and ended up with 14 pieces of spyware on my machine!!!!
WTF ????
I had a blast being irritated and irritating you all
but this spyware BS is unacceptable
Goodbye and good luck
A former Farker
2003-11-18 04:34:46 PM  
Let's not forget why Christmas is a Holiday...

[image from too old to be available]
2003-11-18 04:37:57 PM  
the manager shouted "turn the store tree on!"
and also the "NOEL" in blinding pink neon.

His beard dangled down like a wad of cheap cotton
His breath needed scope and his Ho-Ho was rotten...
(spot THAT one...)

I think the most evil one is in "a christmas story"- not
to mention the mall elves...

"Forget it kid, you'll put your eye out!"...
2003-11-18 04:38:53 PM  
"Bad Santa" plays out like an episode of "South Park" that turns into "It's a Wonderful Life," Thornton said.

Ho ho ho, eat penguin shiat you ass spelunker...

~or words to that effect
2003-11-18 04:41:16 PM  
I think my favourite evil santa of all time was from the cartoon version of The Tic (not the live action series). Where a everytime he received an electrical shock, a duplicate Santa would pop into existence. Of course, he goes to the hydro electric dam and hooks himself up to the generators, creating millions of copies of himself which flow downstream.

The Tic's comment?

Egad! It's a Yuletide!


comedy gold m'friends...
2003-11-18 04:41:32 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

The Tick even discovered the power of multiple santas, with multiple powers of evil.

[image from too old to be available]

"It's a Yule Tide!"
2003-11-18 04:41:43 PM  
Totally ripped my ideas off. I've been working on an independent film about the whole "santa/Satan" thing for a long time now. I wrote the script about 6 years ago and started filming this past summer.

Most of my older artwork consists of Santa claus based imagery and i used that as the basis for the script. I have a few paintings and things related to it on my crappy website.

/shameless plug and rant
2003-11-18 04:42:38 PM  
Great timing, Ook!
2003-11-18 04:44:48 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

Most wonderfully psycho Santa ever.
2003-11-18 04:46:28 PM  

Most likely cookies that Adaware catches. Sounds like the penguin does not know what spyware is. Have fun dumbass penguin83. Oh, and to keep it on topic, santa is evil, but he gives out cool stuff
2003-11-18 04:46:51 PM  
Didn't even think to spend time GISing the episode.

Sorry hogans.


unless those pix are from your private collection.
2003-11-18 04:49:35 PM  
There was the homicidal robot Santa in Futurama. Had cruise missiles built into the sled
2003-11-18 04:49:44 PM  
the sac bee hard at work on the important stuff again i see.... i get this paper every morning and never read it, need to cancel my subscription, this paper sucks
2003-11-18 04:52:01 PM  
"Misfit" toys are freighted away to an island concentration camp.

Once, while interviewing with a major NYC law firm (which shall remain anonymous, but they're HUGE), the interviewer likened the firm to the Island of Misfit Toys. I knew then that I should have stood up, turned, and ran, but I stayed. I didn't get an offer from them, but then again, I didn't want one.
2003-11-18 04:56:54 PM  
Any mention of A Christmas Story deserves a..

"You'll shoot your eye out kid. Ho Ho Ho!"
2003-11-18 05:02:44 PM  
"Why do you think they call him Droppo?"

/MSTies unite!
2003-11-18 05:03:32 PM  
Santa is a mad scientist who created a vortex that sends him reeling through the space-time continuum, giving him the ability to visit every home in what seems to the people of Earth as one night, but for Santa it's like Groundhog's Day, over and over he gets pulled back into the void and spit astrewn a new land. Disoriently, he breaks into toy stores (which abound around Christmas) and when the cops chase him, he makes a run to a random house, so desperate to escape the cops that he climbs up the drain, pulls himself over the gutters, and throws himself into chimney (all this after he's tried the front door). He eats whatever he can find, which is convenient since everyone leaves out cookies and milk so he doesn't have to search in the pantry and make a lot of noise. That's why he's so damn fat.

Then the vortex sucks him back in, and the gift he stole from the toy shop falls to the ground as he blinks out of existence. He convulses and his eyes roll back in his head, as his body is propogated across the continuum, destroyed and reborn every tenth of a second, each new existence holding a toy and losing it as he is crushed within the massive, dense void that is the entirety of the universe and leaving a pile of toys. The smell of burning flesh is lost within the sifting molecules of gingerbread, evergreen, and eggnog.
2003-11-18 05:09:01 PM  
Well, I can tell by everyone's joy in this thread that this is going to be...

"the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby danced with Danny-Farking-Kaye."
2003-11-18 05:14:06 PM  
"Nothing can stop Torg!"
2003-11-18 05:15:21 PM  
Its no "Stanta With Muscles"! If Hulk Hogan is not the ideal Santa; no one is.
2003-11-18 05:22:30 PM  
I think MST3K did "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians." Funny stuff.

[image from too old to be available]
2003-11-18 05:28:48 PM  
2003-11-18 05:29:46 PM  
On evil Santas..

There was the Futurama Episode where Robot Santa flies about machine-gunning victims down.

"I'm gonna shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!"

"Your mistletoe is no match to my Tow missle"

And, who can forget the Weird Al Classic The Night Santa Went Crazy?

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said "It tastes just like chicken!"
2003-11-18 05:31:45 PM  
LarsThorwald and PootieTang: pure comedy gold. Rudolph would have been so much better if he'd led the Brotherhood of Misfit Toys against the evil oppressor and restored the elves to their ancient, glorious heritage as crack archers and the subject of jill-off fantasies of fangirls everywhere. I'm kinda surprised, though, that as long as we're mentioning Rankin-Bass Xmas specials, no one has brought up "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", in which Kris Kringle is an underground guerilla toy distributor who devotes his life to sticking it to The Man, AKA Burgermeister Meisterburger.
2003-11-18 05:36:00 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

Bow down, bow down,
Before the power of Santa,
Or be crushed, be crushed,
by his jolly boots of doom!
2003-11-18 06:00:13 PM  
[image from too old to be available]

Props to cdo.
2003-11-18 06:23:40 PM  
[image from too old to be available]




2003-11-18 06:27:55 PM  
Jesus or Santa..

There can be only one.
2003-11-18 07:10:48 PM  
Couldn't resist the temptation to listen to one last asshat.
Here is some advice:
1)Check port 135 on your machine and make sure dcom is disabled.
2) Check port 5000 (plug and play) and make sure it is off.
3) Turn off messenger
4) Be polite
5) Don't be an asshat
2003-11-18 07:28:02 PM  
"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" was the first MST3K I ever saw, back when Comedy Central used to air them at midnight.
Dragging myself to class the next day at 8am was a painful experience.

"Santa" and "Alien from L.A." are two of my favorite MST's.
2003-11-18 07:32:45 PM  
MY POST 2002-11- 18 07:10:48 PM
was aimed at the little arrogant a$%wipe who calls him / herself "nomales"
nuff said
fark all of you
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