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25233 clicks; posted to Main » on 31 Jul 2012 at 4:35 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-07-31 02:56:30 PM
51 votes:
i105.photobucket.com
2012-07-31 04:48:03 PM
19 votes:
I consider myself a catch. If you saw my checking account balance and the inside of my boxer-briefs, I think you'd agree. That being said, I don't put up with much when it comes to relationships. I started dating this woman I met at speed dating a few months ago. We went out a few times, always meeting in public before going back to my place, so I didn't know much about her home life. After my experience, I can add one more question to my screening e-mail: Do you have any pets?

This lady had a 180 pound Rottweiler. Mind you, she was 100 pounds, well maybe not that fat but definitely small. The first time I walked into her apartment, the dog comes tearing at me, snarling, slobbering, teeth snapping. I kicked it in the face which bought me enough time to get back out the door. I didn't want to go back in, but the woman demanded that I apologized to the dog whom she said I startled. I went in and the big Goliath was sitting there growling at me. I don't take shiat from dogs so I kicked it in the face again, knocking it unconscious. The woman lost her shiat and started bawling so I screamed at her to shut up and raised my open hand, which seemed to calm her down.

Then the dog came to and was instantly in attack mode. It lunged at my throat and latched onto my chin. I started uppercutting it as hard as I could in the gut. That wasn't working, so I reached down, grabbed its balls, and squeezed them as hard as I could. The dog let go of my face just long enough for me to spin kick it out the sliding glass door. It tumbled over the balcony, fell into the parking lot where it was crushed by an arriving garbage truck.

I told the woman, who was bawling about the dog and didn't seem to care that my head was nearly torn off, that I didn't want to see her anymore. Suddenly I was this big monster. Well, life's too short for bull crap, so I bid her good day.
2012-07-31 04:46:29 PM
16 votes:
Dump the boyfriend and buy a jar of peanut butter.
2012-07-31 02:28:03 PM
6 votes:
Dog

This.

Look closely at what your marriage would look like:

When he comes around, she pees on herself. She snaps at him if he tries to sit on the couch by me. He yells at her constantly. He bans her from chairs, couches and rooms. Sometimes I come home early, and he has locked her in the bathroom. When I open the door, she's in the corner just shivering.

Same kinda guy who would make the family dog ride cross-country in a crate strapped to a station wagon.
2012-07-31 05:47:55 PM
5 votes:
www.geekstir.com
2012-07-31 05:27:24 PM
5 votes:
You want to know who really loves you...

Lock your spouse in the trunk of one car and lock your dog in the trunk of the other.

Open them both after an hour...

who is the happiest to see you.
2012-07-31 04:57:57 PM
5 votes:

spentmiles: so I reached down, grabbed its balls,


Dude you cant blame the dog for not being into you. If you want to seduce a non-neutered male dog you need to start with the butt sniffing and sharing a pizza or something.
2012-07-31 06:02:09 PM
4 votes:

Sneakytoes: Lorelle: Some dogs are very good at judging human character.

I have a rooster. In my kitchen. A very small, lame rooster that lives in my kitchen. Bastard caught a fatal disease two years ago and refused to die. Anyhow, last winter our heat died, and we had to have a guy come and fix it. When he finished in the basement and was talking to me in the kitchen, Bob the Lame Rooster freaked the hell out. He acted like there was a snake or a cat in the house. He's never done that for any other male human. I'm kind of thinking about shopping for another heating service.


That.... that's actually your son. He's severely deformed and retarded. We thought you'd raise him as your own instead if we told you he was a chicken. I'm so sorry.
2012-07-31 05:32:34 PM
4 votes:

pounddawg: You want to know who really loves you...

Lock your spouse in the trunk of one car and lock your dog in the trunk of the other.

Open them both after an hour...

who is the happiest to see you.


Yep. If you're in the house and it's raining and your wife is at the front door with an armload of shopping bags, yelling for you to let her in, and your dog is at the back door barking to be let in, who do you let in first?

The dog...because you know he'll shut up once you let him in the house.
2012-07-31 05:29:25 PM
4 votes:

Beeblebrox: I was attacked by a pitbull. (except for pitbulls) .


wonder which pitbull
www.ywgrossman.com
2012-07-31 05:11:16 PM
4 votes:

FarkingReading: If you have a well-behaved and clean dog, fine. Otherwise, get it away from me.


Funny. That's how I feel about your kids.
2012-07-31 05:06:22 PM
4 votes:
I hope spentmiles gets eaten by a dog.

Also:

Lady, stick with the damn dog! If you're incapable of figuring out all by your precious self with your own brain the gods gave you that a guy who locks YOUR DOG in YOUR BATHROOM and SCREAMS at YOUR DOG UNTIL SHE PEES EVERYWHERE is not I repeat NOT a f*ckwit of the first water then you are too f*cking stupid to.....god damn it I can't go that far. IMMEDIATELY ABANDON THE ASSHOLE IN PLACE AND KEEP THE DOG, THIS IS A DIRECT ORDER FROM NATIONAL COMMAND AUTHORITY.
2012-07-31 04:52:16 PM
4 votes:
The dog needs to dump the chick for not kicking the b/f to the curb.
2012-07-31 04:38:08 PM
4 votes:

WhippingBoy: Dogs love me, which is strange, because I'm a total asshole.


They are just sniffing you.
2012-07-31 03:56:27 PM
4 votes:
Another vote for the the one who can sense asshole in a person. (You'd figure as many as they sniff, they'd know one when they saw one.)
2012-07-31 08:23:14 PM
3 votes:
i45.tinypic.com
2012-07-31 05:57:30 PM
3 votes:

Lorelle: Some dogs are very good at judging human character.


I have a rooster. In my kitchen. A very small, lame rooster that lives in my kitchen. Bastard caught a fatal disease two years ago and refused to die. Anyhow, last winter our heat died, and we had to have a guy come and fix it. When he finished in the basement and was talking to me in the kitchen, Bob the Lame Rooster freaked the hell out. He acted like there was a snake or a cat in the house. He's never done that for any other male human. I'm kind of thinking about shopping for another heating service.
2012-07-31 05:39:42 PM
3 votes:
ts4.mm.bing.net
2012-07-31 05:37:14 PM
3 votes:
memeblender.com
2012-07-31 04:55:23 PM
3 votes:

FarkingReading: WhippingBoy: Dogs love me, which is strange, because I'm a total asshole.

This. I can't stand dogs. I just don't like them and I have trouble understanding why people want smelly, yappy, expensive, time-consuming animals in their homes.

And yes, I am an asshole.

And yet, whenever I go to "dog people's" homes, their dumb mutts nuzzle my hands and try to get me to play with them, which I refuse to do.


Don't worry mate this problem self corrects. It won't be long before no one invites you anywhere.
2012-07-31 04:49:58 PM
3 votes:

spentmiles: boring.


How droll.

Ditch the asshole, get another dog for your dog so you can dog while you dog.
2012-07-31 04:37:04 PM
3 votes:
Dogs love me, which is strange, because I'm a total asshole.
2012-07-31 02:33:55 PM
3 votes:
Ditch the mooch, keep the pooch.
2012-07-31 08:45:33 PM
2 votes:

TsarTom: Dog

This.

Look closely at what your marriage would look like:

When he comes around, she pees on herself. She snaps at him if he tries to sit on the couch by me. He yells at her constantly. He bans her from chairs, couches and rooms. Sometimes I come home early, and he has locked her in the bathroom. When I open the door, she's in the corner just shivering.

Same kinda guy who would make the family dog ride cross-country in a crate strapped to a station wagon.


republicanredefined.com
2012-07-31 07:54:21 PM
2 votes:
From the dog's behaviour it is clear that this "boyfriend" is doing something horrible when you are out. Dumping the boyfriend is not the solution though. Have him put down by a professional. And then send the poor doggie to a psychiatrist and see one yourself.

You both need help.
2012-07-31 06:10:07 PM
2 votes:

Kurmudgeon: Molavian: "Pet parents" have something wrong with them, and are broken human beings. I have two pet cats, and I care for them as pets, but I'd skin and cook both of them if it meant my child wouldn't go hungry.

Actually, I expect you have a few broken parts yourself. If things get so bad that you're eating the cats, you've already screwed up.


Dogs can tell when you are being too literal.
2012-07-31 05:50:20 PM
2 votes:

Nothing To See Here: [www.geekstir.com image 632x474]


Aww! That could be the sibling to my little girl. She's on her period now, leaving little red blotches everywhere she sits. My gf calls her the "bingo dotter."
2012-07-31 05:49:18 PM
2 votes:

Bunnyhat: Jim_Callahan: Serious response: you do realize that that's how one typically transports a dog for long trips, right? Stick them in a dog-crate, strap it to the top of the car or leave it in the bed, every couple hours stop at a rest stop so it can run around occasionally. Dogs never like this, but they like being left behind for a month or two at a time even less.

Typical for who?
Strap suitcases to the roof of the car. Living things ride inside.


Yeah, I've never heard of anyone ever doing this before Romney. That told me that there's a presidential candidate who didn't know how to pack a car.
2012-07-31 05:46:52 PM
2 votes:
The boyfriend must be hung like a Clydesdale if she's willing to put up with such d-baggery.
2012-07-31 05:33:49 PM
2 votes:

Skyd1v: TommyymmoT: It's my dog's home, not yours. I'm not kicking him out, locking him up, or any other damn thing.
Don't like it? Get the f*ck out.

/Yes, I have said that to people.

So have I. Gotta watch out for your mates.

[img16.imageshack.us image 448x336]
[img269.imageshack.us image 640x480]


What I just love, are the "fake sneezers".
A couple of my girlfriend's friends were over, and the minute the dog peeked his head in the room, one of them started rubbing her eyes, and acting like she was going to sneeze.
Never mind she had already been sitting on the couch, where he sleeps, for over an hour, but seeing him made her ill.

"Oh, I'm allergic to dogs"
"What a coincidence, he's allergic to assholes, but if it's making you ill, then one of you have to go home, and well, he's already home."

"I guess I'll be all right".
2012-07-31 05:33:14 PM
2 votes:

Molavian: "Pet parents" have something wrong with them, and are broken human beings. I have two pet cats, and I care for them as pets, but I'd skin and cook both of them if it meant my child wouldn't go hungry.


And I'd happily skin and cook your kids if it meant that my dog wouldn't go hungry.

Dogs are better than kids. Don't believe me? Lock your kid in the trunk of one car, and lock your dog in the trunk of another car. Wait a few hours. Open both trunks. ONE of them will be happy to see you...
2012-07-31 05:24:48 PM
2 votes:
farm9.staticflickr.com
2012-07-31 05:20:52 PM
2 votes:

FarkingReading: Pray 4 Mojo: Dog.

Brought a date to my house years ago... right in that 4th or 5th date stage between "dating" and "girlfriend". Got into bed... my lab jumped up and curled up on the foot of the bed.

"I'm not sleeping with your dog. That's f-ing gross."

Took her about 20 minutes to finally realize I wasn't kidding when I told her she could either leave or go sleep on the couch.

The dog was here first... deal with it or GTFO

/CSB?
//Not really.

That is gross. Dogs lick their balls and sometimes munch on grass where they have pooped. Yeah, cuddle up next to that.


She didn't really lick her balls that much... she'd chew on them though.
2012-07-31 04:51:32 PM
2 votes:
Dog.

Brought a date to my house years ago... right in that 4th or 5th date stage between "dating" and "girlfriend". Got into bed... my lab jumped up and curled up on the foot of the bed.

"I'm not sleeping with your dog. That's f-ing gross."

Took her about 20 minutes to finally realize I wasn't kidding when I told her she could either leave or go sleep on the couch.

The dog was here first... deal with it or GTFO

/CSB?
//Not really.
2012-07-31 03:25:09 PM
2 votes:
Yet he chose a relationship with a woman and her dog.

Gross.
2012-07-31 02:59:08 PM
2 votes:
Sometimes I come home early, and he has locked her in the bathroom. When I open the door, she's in the corner just shivering.

If I came home to this? That boyfriend would have been out on the curb with the garbage so fast his ass would have left sparks down the length of the driveway -- especially considering that the dog in question seems fine with other men.
2012-08-01 07:39:15 AM
1 votes:

Prof. Ann Marion: spentmiles: I consider myself a catch. If you saw my checking account balance and the inside of my boxer-briefs....

This makes me wonder what you did to the inside of your boxer-briefs....


It's where he keeps his bankroll. There's plenty of space for it....
2012-07-31 09:31:10 PM
1 votes:

spentmiles: I consider myself a catch. If you saw my checking account balance and the inside of my boxer-briefs, I think you'd agree. That being said, I don't put up with much when it comes to relationships. I started dating this woman I met at speed dating a few months ago. We went out a few times, always meeting in public before going back to my place, so I didn't know much about her home life. After my experience, I can add one more question to my screening e-mail: Do you have any pets?

This lady had a 180 pound Rottweiler. Mind you, she was 100 pounds, well maybe not that fat but definitely small. The first time I walked into her apartment, the dog comes tearing at me, snarling, slobbering, teeth snapping. I kicked it in the face which bought me enough time to get back out the door. I didn't want to go back in, but the woman demanded that I apologized to the dog whom she said I startled. I went in and the big Goliath was sitting there growling at me. I don't take shiat from dogs so I kicked it in the face again, knocking it unconscious. The woman lost her shiat and started bawling so I screamed at her to shut up and raised my open hand, which seemed to calm her down.

Then the dog came to and was instantly in attack mode. It lunged at my throat and latched onto my chin. I started uppercutting it as hard as I could in the gut. That wasn't working, so I reached down, grabbed its balls, and squeezed them as hard as I could. The dog let go of my face just long enough for me to spin kick it out the sliding glass door. It tumbled over the balcony, fell into the parking lot where it was crushed by an arriving garbage truck.

I told the woman, who was bawling about the dog and didn't seem to care that my head was nearly torn off, that I didn't want to see her anymore. Suddenly I was this big monster. Well, life's too short for bull crap, so I bid her good day.


Hey maddox, welcome to fark. Your website was pretty funny back in 2003ish.
2012-07-31 08:20:48 PM
1 votes:
i.imgur.com


HAI GUIZE WUTS GOAN IN HURRR?
2012-07-31 08:19:22 PM
1 votes:
SlothB77: I have a dog. I have a lot of single female neighbours who own dogs. When i see how they treat their dogs, I assume that that is how they would treat me if I was their boyfriend. Some very very attractive neighbours of mine treat their dogs like shiat.

This makes me think of two things:

The first is, aww, that's too bad. Poor dogs.

The second is this: "Hi boyfriend, hi hi hi! Awwww! Who's a good boyfriend! Who's a good boyfriend! You're so cute!! Wanna go walkies?"
2012-07-31 07:51:05 PM
1 votes:
KEEP DOG
www.lepetitpuppynyc.com

KICK HIM OUT
blindgossip.com
2012-07-31 07:21:52 PM
1 votes:

InternetSecurityGuard:
Well, come to think of it, Mr. Aloysius Scruffleupagus (Scruffy) is much more lovable than me. So I wouldn't blame ya. He does have a terminal case of cute. The papers from the adoption list him as a mixed breed terrier. When people ask I tell them that he is a Jack Daniels Terrier.


HA!

I've had people ask me if Suzy is a purebred. I say "Yes, but the AKC doesn't recognize the Dorkopotamus"
2012-07-31 07:11:36 PM
1 votes:
i.imgur.com
2012-07-31 07:08:02 PM
1 votes:

The First Four Black Sabbath Albums:
Our dog growls at teenage girls and no one else. Does that mean all teenage girls are asshole while the rest of us are okay?


That's kind of a bad example...
2012-07-31 06:28:08 PM
1 votes:

WhippingBoy: There's two types of people in this world: dog people and rational people.


actually I thought it was women and rational people.
2012-07-31 06:24:16 PM
1 votes:

Oneofthesedays: Agent Smiths Laugh: pounddawg: thisisyourbrainonFark: [memeblender.com image 500x765]

You do know that the dog is sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.

Dogs can't fly helicopters?

Well what about cats?

I've never seen a cat with wings or a propeller so I don't know.


i1.mirror.co.uk
2012-07-31 06:06:26 PM
1 votes:
No matter how many times you rub his nose in the carpet, a non-dog lover will never learn.
2012-07-31 05:54:54 PM
1 votes:
Sorry guys ------
2012-07-31 05:49:14 PM
1 votes:

pounddawg: thisisyourbrainonFark: [memeblender.com image 500x765]

You do know that the dog is sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.


Dogs can't fly helicopters?

Well what about cats?
2012-07-31 05:44:39 PM
1 votes:

pounddawg: thisisyourbrainonFark: [memeblender.com image 500x765]

You do know that the dog is sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.


You mean that's not real?
2012-07-31 05:37:26 PM
1 votes:
You have to write to some advice column to ask what you should do.
I see why he chose you.
He's probably cheating on you too.
2012-07-31 05:36:07 PM
1 votes:

Sin_City_Superhero: Molavian: "Pet parents" have something wrong with them, and are broken human beings. I have two pet cats, and I care for them as pets, but I'd skin and cook both of them if it meant my child wouldn't go hungry.

And I'd happily skin and cook your kids if it meant that my dog wouldn't go hungry.



Way to turn a dog thread into the plot of Saw 6, you weirdos.
2012-07-31 05:25:18 PM
1 votes:

spentmiles: I consider myself a catch. If you saw my checking account balance and the inside of my boxer-briefs....


This makes me wonder what you did to the inside of your boxer-briefs....
2012-07-31 05:23:01 PM
1 votes:

Gunny Highway: umad: FarkingReading: If you have a well-behaved and clean dog, fine. Otherwise, get it away from me.

Funny. That's how I feel about your kids.

Yeah. What is your point?


That I hate your farking kids.
2012-07-31 05:13:22 PM
1 votes:

umad: FarkingReading: If you have a well-behaved and clean dog, fine. Otherwise, get it away from me.

Funny. That's how I feel about your kids.


Yeah. What is your point?
2012-07-31 05:11:42 PM
1 votes:

bongmiester: i don't buy that the dog doesn't act this way around other people.


Why not? I have a dog (pit bull) mix who has always loved everyone but this one guy a friend brought over. Poor dog was pissing itself, trembling, hiding behind furniture..... I told the visitor he would have to go. That was 5 years ago and it has never happened since.

The only other time I saw my dog act that way was when we got one of those cheesy scarecrows they sell at Halloween time. I put it in the garden and the first time he saw it he freaked. I tried to get him used to it but to no avail. So we put it face down in the side yard. The dog ran over there, pissed all over it and looked very very pleased.
2012-07-31 05:06:31 PM
1 votes:
I don't really like dogs, but I understand them and can get along with them just fine. Mark my words - that man has abused that dog. There is no reason for that dog to act the way that was described unless he did something to it. I'm going to hazard that the guy is abusive and possibly dangerous. She needs him out of her life before she ends up locked in the bathroom herself.
2012-07-31 05:04:20 PM
1 votes:

MythDragon: Lorelle: A few years after our little mutt crossed the Rainbow Bridge...


Did she come in first?


wiiem.pl

/now with 10% less filter pwnage
2012-07-31 04:49:39 PM
1 votes:

TsarTom:


Same kinda guy who would make the family dog ride cross-country in a crate strapped to a station wagon.


Could be worse, he could eat the dog.
2012-07-31 04:42:22 PM
1 votes:
Yes - because Crack Russell's are the sanest breed of dogs.

YAP-YAP-YAP-TWITCH-YAP-TWITCH-TWITCH-YAP-YAP-YAP-.....
2012-07-31 04:41:07 PM
1 votes:
I had a dog that loved almost everyone with the exception of my cousins husband. He seemed like a nice guy to everyone and it was so puzzling how the dog acted like she hated him? Several years later we all found out that the guy was a total arsehole, smooth talkin, cheating, lying con man. We all laughed that the dog had him figured out the first time she met him! Always trust the dogs instinct! Dump the loser asap!
2012-07-31 04:40:17 PM
1 votes:

TsarTom: Same kinda guy who would make the family dog ride cross-country in a crate strapped to a station wagon.


Or tied to the rear bumper.

i45.tinypic.com
2012-07-31 04:40:08 PM
1 votes:
He yells at her constantly. He bans her from chairs, couches and rooms. Sometimes I come home early, and he has locked her in the bathroom.

He's not smart enough to make friends with the dog? Get rid of him: just don't send him to the pound.
2012-07-31 03:33:28 PM
1 votes:
stjospar.org

As a lifelong dog owner, I can tell you that my dogs have had 100% accurate asshole radar over the years. If my dogs don't like you, I don't like you, or at least hold you in a suspect state.
2012-07-31 03:00:32 PM
1 votes:
Unacceptable male behavior

/eject
 
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