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(CapAlert)   Finally, CapAlert saves up enough pennies to review "Dark Knight Rises" (warning: spoilers)   (capalert.com) divider line 142
    More: Amusing, cap, Commissioner Gordon, Gotham City, comparative, Wayne Manor, Lord Jesus Christ, American College of Sofia, nuclear fissions  
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9953 clicks; posted to Main » on 31 Jul 2012 at 12:14 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



142 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2012-07-31 12:44:26 AM  
Whomever you are, subby, I lurves yew. A CAPalert link takes me back to the golden days of Fark.
 
2012-07-31 09:55:52 AM  
And just like actual christianity, another Christian reviewer gave it high marks and that it has a "Strong allegorical redemptive Christian worldview with strong Christian, redemptive elements with crosses and churches in the background"

DId they stop listing every offense? Or am I thinking of a different christian movie review? I used to love reading the horror movie reviews just to think about how much they squirmed watching/typing EVERY offense down for concerned parents. IT'S A FARKING HORROR MOVIE!

/Still love CapAlert reviews
 
2012-07-31 09:58:47 AM  
I forgot about that site. Pretty funny. Still has the 1996 era web design.
 
2012-07-31 10:31:16 AM  
Reading that gave me vertigo.
 
2012-07-31 11:01:01 AM  
Stupid Flanders.
www.capalert.com

That's pretty much how I'd expect him to look like in real life.
 
2012-07-31 11:12:16 AM  

minoridiot: Stupid Flanders.
[www.capalert.com image 131x162]

That's pretty much how I'd expect him to look like in real life.


Nice molestache.
 
2012-07-31 12:18:09 PM  
I would normally go with a "WTF am I reading" jpeg for that site, but holy crap.

That shiat makes Netscape look like the crowning achievement of the internet.
 
2012-07-31 12:19:31 PM  
Damn, that review needs a spoiler alert (if you can actually stomach reading that far into it).
 
2012-07-31 12:21:07 PM  

DblDad: Whomever you are, subby, I lurves yew. A CAPalert link takes me back to the golden days of Fark.


Yeah, it's been forever since I've seen anything out of them. Nice to see they've not changed a single thing on their website.
 
2012-07-31 12:21:56 PM  

scottydoesntknow: And just like actual christianity, another Christian reviewer gave it high marks and that it has a "Strong allegorical redemptive Christian worldview with strong Christian, redemptive elements with crosses and churches in the background"


My response requires a -SPOILER- warning:

Is the reviewer unaware that Bruce Wayne actually faked his death, and that he did not resurrect three days after the explosion?

/I personally believe that he was caught in the blast, but that he survived because he is the Goddamn Batman.

--
 
2012-07-31 12:22:17 PM  
suspect James Holmes, the accused perpetrator of the genocide on opening night at an Aurora, CO theater

Well done, you've brought down the term genocide from one of the worst things humans can do, down to more mundane acts of violence.

What's next? "That guy punched me so hard I had a holocaust!", "shiat, this papercut is like a nuclear war".
 
2012-07-31 12:22:22 PM  
The Dark Knight Rises sucked.

There.

I've said it.
 
2012-07-31 12:22:37 PM  
What the hell?

This is a Poe, right? Please tell me this is a poe
 
2012-07-31 12:22:55 PM  
What is their "most foul of foul words"? I'm not nutty enough to even make a good guess.
 
2012-07-31 12:23:03 PM  

DirkTheDaring: The Dark Knight Rises sucked.

There.

I've said it.


I hope you don't think you're the first... or correct.
 
2012-07-31 12:23:07 PM  
Somebody cares about CapAlert?
 
2012-07-31 12:23:56 PM  

scottydoesntknow: And just like actual christianity, another Christian reviewer gave it high marks and that it has a "Strong allegorical redemptive Christian worldview with strong Christian, redemptive elements with crosses and churches in the background"

DId they stop listing every offense? Or am I thinking of a different christian movie review? I used to love reading the horror movie reviews just to think about how much they squirmed watching/typing EVERY offense down for concerned parents. IT'S A FARKING HORROR MOVIE!

/Still love CapAlert reviews


Looks pretty much the same as it used to, IMO.

I also love CAP reviews. Not only for the lulz, but because while some movies are G rated or whatever, my kid doesn't need to learn "school is bad", "pranks are good" etc, and the site is the only one I'm aware of that goes into head-desking detail on everything that could potentially be considered bad.
 
2012-07-31 12:24:02 PM  
FTA - reckless endangerment with a shot arrow

That's it! No watching this movie for Junior.
 
2012-07-31 12:24:24 PM  
Ah CAPalert... awesome tastic! :)
 
2012-07-31 12:24:33 PM  

mistergeeky: What is their "most foul of foul words"? I'm not nutty enough to even make a good guess.


Well there are 7 of them... :P
 
2012-07-31 12:24:51 PM  

Mugato: I forgot about that site. Pretty funny. Still has the 1996 era web design.


Well it matches nicely with their medieval thinking
 
2012-07-31 12:25:05 PM  
Yes, Farkers love CAPalert. I had totally forgotten about this site. It was a mainstay during the early days of Fark. -Fb is the father.
 
2012-07-31 12:25:12 PM  

mistergeeky: What is their "most foul of foul words"? I'm not nutty enough to even make a good guess.


Logic.
 
2012-07-31 12:29:30 PM  
"snooping in violation of direct instructions"

In a list full of broken necks, bondage, "gaping mouth kissing," and torture, this one cracked me up.
 
2012-07-31 12:29:34 PM  
Haven't seen a CAPalert in years, and had forgotten all about them. Wow, they really do suck all of the fun out of the room.
 
2012-07-31 12:29:48 PM  
I'd forgotten how much of a trainwreck the CAP alert site design is.
 
2012-07-31 12:29:50 PM  

BronyMedic: What the hell?

This is a Poe, right? Please tell me this is a poe


Negative. American as a poe pie.
 
2012-07-31 12:29:52 PM  

Slaxl: DirkTheDaring: The Dark Knight Rises sucked.

There.

I've said it.

I hope you don't think you're the first... or correct.


That's just, like, my opinion, man.
 
2012-07-31 12:31:02 PM  
Fall in Light: "snooping in violation of direct instructions"

In a list full of broken necks, bondage, "gaping mouth kissing," and torture, this one cracked me up.


Hey. Bondage is found in the bible. In fact, in Mark I 35:12, Jesus ties Paul up, and subjects him to slow CBT.
 
2012-07-31 12:31:17 PM  
Actually the funnier reviews are the more kid-friendly movies because they find something Satanic in everything,
 
2012-07-31 12:31:23 PM  
FTFA: Bane is bent on creating an anarchy in Gotham City. Bane is also bent on being total ruler of Gotham City.

Neglecting the fact that a 5 year old could compose sentences better than that... I don't think anarchy works the way you think it works.
 
2012-07-31 12:35:13 PM  
wisdom = 18 equations
what am i reading? What would make someone wonder to that time stuck corner of the internet?
 
2012-07-31 12:39:48 PM  

kungfu jesus with a side of lime: wisdom = 18 equations
what am i reading? What would make someone wonder to that time stuck corner of the internet?


It's like going back and reading what new word salad the timecube guy has come up with. It's just kind of fun.
 
2012-07-31 12:39:49 PM  
So I cruised down, thinking of some hedonistic movies that they should be blasting for every sin they can think of. Apparently the retards at CAP won't even finish stuff as tame as Cruel Intentions or SLC Punk without being so offended that they have to leave the theater.
 
2012-07-31 12:41:22 PM  
That's some grade A crazy. I love it.
 
2012-07-31 12:41:59 PM  
So is Fark gonna post every review about this movie? Cause I could totally write one, and if I can get paid for every click to it, I'll bullshiat up a "trendy snarky" review full of "missing the point" while I write about what I think are plotholes.

/haven't rtfa yet, but most of the others I have read are like this.
 
2012-07-31 12:45:00 PM  
The guy who runs CAPAlert is one of those guys who just has to find something to biatch about. His whole schtick is that he reviews movies so parents know whether or not it's okay to take their kids, but then he goes and reviews things like The Blair Witch Project and American Pie - movies that are obviously not for children and, more importantly are already rated R. In other words, the studios themselves are telling you they're not for children. He just wants to get all righteously indignant.
 
2012-07-31 12:46:02 PM  
I stand corrected after reading that review. Definitely different, and worth posting.

Crazy.
 
2012-07-31 12:48:15 PM  
Wow.

Without even commenting on the usual arrogant, Christian, heavy-handed social commentary here, it sure is great that there are sites like this to evaluate movies for your kids so you parents don't have to do that yourself!
 
2012-07-31 12:48:31 PM  

nmdrkangl: Neglecting the fact that a 5 year old could compose sentences better than that... I don't think anarchy works the way you think it works.


The Scarecrow/Robespierre was ruling Gotham
 
2012-07-31 12:50:00 PM  
I thoroughly enjoyed the smug scientific debunking at the end, not at all ironic coming from someone who probably has a season ticket to the creation theme park
 
2012-07-31 12:50:10 PM  
Nuclear blasts travel outward, not upward. Batman dropped the bomb seconds before detonation and then flew up and away from the blast.
 
2012-07-31 12:51:03 PM  

ThatBillmanGuy: I stand corrected after reading that review. Definitely different, and worth posting.

Crazy.


CAPAlert reviews were on Fark way back in the day... they were held up for mockery for obvious reasons... even pretty conservative folks just start thinking "Wow... lighten up, Francis."

As you may have noted, we haven't seen one posted in quite a while, and nothing about them (not even the site design) has changed since the dialup days.
 
2012-07-31 12:51:40 PM  
To be fair, it is a morally repugnant movie on almost every level, and it really says something about the state of our society that we take such a high level of degraded, "shock-art" violence, and astonishingly poor examples of personality failings in every direction, for granted in our mass media entertainment. I'm pretty much ok with this review; I'd probably have some points of order to quibble on, but I really feel like this guy is doing us a favor by pointing out the elephant in the room. You don't have to be a devout Christian to see that entertainment like this is really both barbaric and decadent on its face.
 
2012-07-31 12:52:48 PM  
OK, someone needs to post the Jackie Chan "I dont even" pic...TFA truly deserves it.
 
2012-07-31 12:54:06 PM  

willfullyobscure: To be fair, it is a morally repugnant movie on almost every level, and it really says something about the state of our society that we take such a high level of degraded, "shock-art" violence, and astonishingly poor examples of personality failings in every direction, for granted in our mass media entertainment. I'm pretty much ok with this review; I'd probably have some points of order to quibble on, but I really feel like this guy is doing us a favor by pointing out the elephant in the room. You don't have to be a devout Christian to see that entertainment like this is really both barbaric and decadent on its face.


So how do you feel about Debbie Does Dallas?
 
2012-07-31 12:56:47 PM  
Review for a niche audience. Very interesting, and insightful. The reviewer, despite his viewpoints, gave the film a chance.

/doubt I'll ever look at this site again.
//waiting for cable to see TDKR.
 
2012-07-31 12:59:53 PM  
Heh, all but forgotten about that site. Been so many years since I've been there.
 
2012-07-31 01:01:05 PM  

willfullyobscure: To be fair, it is a morally repugnant movie on almost every level, and it really says something about the state of our society that we take such a high level of degraded, "shock-art" violence, and astonishingly poor examples of personality failings in every direction, for granted in our mass media entertainment. I'm pretty much ok with this review; I'd probably have some points of order to quibble on, but I really feel like this guy is doing us a favor by pointing out the elephant in the room. You don't have to be a devout Christian to see that entertainment like this is really both barbaric and decadent on its face.


LOL. Are you for real?
 
2012-07-31 01:02:13 PM  
Oh wow, I haven't seen a CapAlert link in years!
 
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