FARK.com: (7241668) Finally, CapAlert saves up enough pennies to review "Dark Knight Rises" (warning: spoilers)

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		Finally, CapAlert saves up enough pennies to review "Dark Knight Rises" (warning: spoilers) (capalert.com)		142
		More: Amusing, cap, Commissioner Gordon, Gotham City, comparative, Wayne Manor, Lord Jesus Christ, American College of Sofia, nuclear fissions

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9906 clicks; posted to Main » on 31 Jul 2012 at 12:14 PM | Favorite | share:

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DanZero		2012-07-31 01:03:15 PM

CapAlert? Is this 2002? Good times when I first joined FARK.

Just needed the flashing red light of sin again

browntimmy		2012-07-31 01:06:37 PM

willfullyobscure: To be fair, it is a morally repugnant movie on almost every level, and it really says something about the state of our society that we take such a high level of degraded, "shock-art" violence, and astonishingly poor examples of personality failings in every direction, for granted in our mass media entertainment. I'm pretty much ok with this review; I'd probably have some points of order to quibble on, but I really feel like this guy is doing us a favor by pointing out the elephant in the room. You don't have to be a devout Christian to see that entertainment like this is really both barbaric and decadent on its face.

Kind of like the Bible.

Professor Farksworth		2012-07-31 01:06:59 PM

PunGent		2012-07-31 01:07:13 PM

FTA: "and Murder/Suicide (M)."

Yes, but how about MurderDeathKill (MDK)?

How am I supposed to take the kids without knowing the MDK rating, I ask you?

Uzzah		2012-07-31 01:08:56 PM

Ah, CAP Alert guy. How I've missed you.

I always loved the times when he'd explain how the "CAP Alert Model is mathematically precise and entirely objective" and blah blah blah. Apparently Princess Leia's bouncing boobies in "Star Wars" are offensive to God in an entirely mathematically objective way.

Zombie DJ		2012-07-31 01:08:57 PM

He could have said "open mouth kiss" but he says, "gaping mouth".

Now I have a boner.

SultanofSchwing		2012-07-31 01:09:15 PM

PunGent: FTA: "and Murder/Suicide (M)."

Yes, but how about MurderDeathKill (MDK)?

How am I supposed to take the kids without knowing the MDK rating, I ask you?

Yeah I bet this guy doesn't even know how to use the three seashells.

Dimensio		2012-07-31 01:09:48 PM

PunGent: FTA: "and Murder/Suicide (M)."

Yes, but how about MurderDeathKill (MDK)?

How am I supposed to take the kids without knowing the MDK rating, I ask you?

I do not need a rating. I have SCIENCE!

/Obscure, I suspect.

Mugato		2012-07-31 01:12:14 PM

Uzzah: I always loved the times when he'd explain how the "CAP Alert Model is mathematically precise and entirely objective" and blah blah blah

I can picture the guy in a lab coat, looking all serious and earnest with his T-square and slide rule doing his calculations...

JackieRabbit		2012-07-31 01:12:46 PM

WTF did I just decide not to read?

jodaveki		2012-07-31 01:15:02 PM

I tried to read it. I really tried.

YodaBlues		2012-07-31 01:19:51 PM

loonatic112358		2012-07-31 01:20:31 PM

I clicked on that link, and then suspected there'd be a time cube if i went farther

syberpud		2012-07-31 01:21:01 PM

NeedlesslyCanadian: Oh wow, I haven't seen a CapAlert link in years!

Was there ever a final decision about the CapAlert being fake or not? Or one of those weird bits of performance art where the artist starts believing their own character?

Gordon Bennett		2012-07-31 01:22:53 PM

mistergeeky: What is their "most foul of foul words"? I'm not nutty enough to even make a good guess.

Cumpkin. You make a jack o lantern get at least five men to cum in said jack o lantern and then get a woman to put it on her head. AIOTM. You'd be surprised to learn how much Hollywood has embraced the cumpkin these days.

media.tumblr.com

Personally, I loved it. Opens with a bang and ends with a load of dead Amercians. That's my sort of film!

Mugato		2012-07-31 01:24:34 PM

syberpud: NeedlesslyCanadian: Oh wow, I haven't seen a CapAlert link in years!

Was there ever a final decision about the CapAlert being fake or not? Or one of those weird bits of performance art where the artist starts believing their own character?

No performance artist has that kind of commitment.

K.B.O. Winston		2012-07-31 01:25:31 PM

Slaxl: DirkTheDaring: The Dark Knight Rises sucked.

There.

I've said it.

I hope you don't think you're the first... or correct.

I don't agree it sucked but the dialogue was painful. There were a few bright spots ("So that's what that feels like") but for all their most excellent plotting and visuals the Batman movies treat good dialogue moments like most people treat walking into cobwebs. They shake it off and walk away as soon as possible.

If you love good dialogue the Batman movies are easier to take if you pretend you're watching a great foreign film that was translated poorly and probably sounds kick-ass in the original.

/still good movies, though

Snapper Carr		2012-07-31 01:30:15 PM

What is their "most foul of foul words"?

Semprini

phimuskapsi		2012-07-31 01:32:06 PM

DanZero: CapAlert? Is this 2002? Good times when I first joined FARK.

[capalert.com image 45x74]

Just needed the flashing red light of sin again

Oh, it's still there.

Subby - Should have noted that there are some MAJOR spoilers in that review. I've seen it luckily, but others haven't. I can't believe the guy gave away Blake's real first name at the beginning of the review! That's one of the bigger twists/spoilers.

MythDragon		2012-07-31 01:35:10 PM

PunGent: FTA: "and Murder/Suicide (M)."

Yes, but how about MurderDeathKill (MDK)?

How am I supposed to take the kids without knowing the MDK rating, I ask you?

This game gets a MDK rating of 100%:
www.vgmastersclub.com

palelizard		2012-07-31 01:35:52 PM

llort dam eht		2012-07-31 01:36:15 PM

I sent the CapAlert guy an email in '99 or thereabouts, I made the mistake of saying that I didn't "understand" his reviews.

He sent back an email explaining they weren't reviews they were ANALYSES (his font choice, not mine) and proceeded to explain every thing about how he did it in an email that was freaking epic.

I wish i had saved it.

/CSB

BeesNuts		2012-07-31 01:37:09 PM

DirkTheDaring: Slaxl: DirkTheDaring: The Dark Knight Rises sucked.

There.

I've said it.

I hope you don't think you're the first... or correct.

That's just, like, my opinion, man.

My major complaint is that for a Batman movie, there was surprisingly little Batman in it...

/I liked the hell out of it though.
//Good popcorn flick, at least, bothers to touch on some rather complex themes, at best...
///What's your problem with it? Genuinely curious.

SultanofSchwing		2012-07-31 01:51:03 PM

phimuskapsi: DanZero: CapAlert? Is this 2002? Good times when I first joined FARK.

[capalert.com image 45x74]

Just needed the flashing red light of sin again

Oh, it's still there.

Subby - Should have noted that there are some MAJOR spoilers in that review. I've seen it luckily, but others haven't. I can't believe the guy gave away Blake's real first name at the beginning of the review! That's one of the bigger twists/spoilers.

idk the revelation that John Blake's first name was actually Steve didn't thrill me as much as I was expecting it to.

Pharmdawg		2012-07-31 01:52:38 PM

Someone with a lot of time on their hands go thru the Bible and rate it like this guy does movies. It's jam packed with sex, violence and hatred...among the good guys!

jayhawk88		2012-07-31 01:54:30 PM

I am, however, going to take the space necessary to share with you God's Word about violence.

3.bp.blogspot.com

That's where I lost it. You're going to explain to me how God....Old Testament God no less (Proverbs) abhors violence?

Telos		2012-07-31 01:55:30 PM

Pharmdawg: Someone with a lot of time on their hands go thru the Bible and rate it like this guy does movies. It's jam packed with sex, violence and hatred...among the good guys!

I was thinking the same thing. Apparently they thought of it too, and their defense is here: Link

Great Janitor		2012-07-31 01:56:10 PM

Some_Local_Deity		2012-07-31 01:57:50 PM

I like to run sites like this against the WAVE accessibility tool. Site's got 35 accessibility errors. It's comforting to know that at least the visually impaired are safe.

spidermilk		2012-07-31 01:58:30 PM

Uh, I actually don't think that review is that stupid... I mean they explain each rating in detail...

I was a little shocked when there were 5 year olds when I went to see TDKR.

First of all, it was 10 o clock at night and it is a 3 hour long movie. What kind of kid could possibly stay awake?? Now I guess if you are just expecting them to sleep during the whole thing that is fine with me.

Also, it just doesn't seem like it would keep the attention of such a young kid.

And then of course there was the extreme violence. Plus some little kids get all stressed out even by cartoon violence (like the fox & the hound!) not to mention actual depictions of people dying and stuff.

I mean I would let my teen see it but I just don't see the point of taking children to see movies like that unless they are really into comic book heroes. And if they are, I think there is something a little less depressing than batman.

Maybe there is something horribly wrong with me, but I could not understand ANY of batman (in costume) or bane's dialogue. It was so jumbled to me. I wish the whole thing was just Catwoman & Robin... instead of 'oh i'm so depressed' batman.

Great Janitor		2012-07-31 01:58:32 PM

clovis69: nmdrkangl: Neglecting the fact that a 5 year old could compose sentences better than that... I don't think anarchy works the way you think it works.

The Scarecrow/Robespierre was ruling Gotham

That was great actually. I loved seeing a previous baddie reprise his role, plus given his role in Batman Begins, Scarecrow being judge in that court was great.

BeesNuts		2012-07-31 02:05:42 PM

Telos: Pharmdawg: Someone with a lot of time on their hands go thru the Bible and rate it like this guy does movies. It's jam packed with sex, violence and hatred...among the good guys!

I was thinking the same thing. Apparently they thought of it too, and their defense is here: Link

Trying to excuse sin in "sin-ema" with the sins in the Bible is excusing defiance OF His Word with trying to USE His Word against His Word against sin.

I remember one time I excused defiance of some words with trying to use those words against those words against sin, but then I accidentally tried to believe sin-defiance against those memories were sin words who without doing can't seem to break the cycle from trial and error. So do.

willfullyobscure		2012-07-31 02:05:54 PM

bemis23: willfullyobscure: To be fair, it is a morally repugnant movie on almost every level, and it really says something about the state of our society that we take such a high level of degraded, "shock-art" violence, and astonishingly poor examples of personality failings in every direction, for granted in our mass media entertainment. I'm pretty much ok with this review; I'd probably have some points of order to quibble on, but I really feel like this guy is doing us a favor by pointing out the elephant in the room. You don't have to be a devout Christian to see that entertainment like this is really both barbaric and decadent on its face.

So how do you feel about Debbie Does Dallas?

It's one of my all time favorite movies and a genuine piece of folk art/Americana. I'm completely serious about that. However, D3 wasn't released to the public at large as a default entertainment option expected to be watched by entire families, including young children. People are taking 6 and 8 year olds to see this Batman movie.

What kind of impression to think that gives a young child, to be exposed to such a horrifyingly dystopian, ultraviolent, unredempted vision of the world? It's tantamount to emotional abuse to show this as "normal" entertainment to children that young.

gulogulo		2012-07-31 02:07:04 PM

I just want to know where Jesus decided that drinking alcohol. shiat, he turned his blood into wine for us, it seems like an invitation.

Pharmdawg		2012-07-31 02:08:55 PM

kungfu jesus with a side of lime		2012-07-31 02:16:16 PM

DirkTheDaring: kungfu jesus with a side of lime: wisdom = 18 equations
what am i reading? What would make someone wonder to that time stuck corner of the internet?

It's like going back and reading what new word salad the timecube guy has come up with. It's just kind of fun.

it is like a little time Capsule of crazy

TheSelphie		2012-07-31 02:17:40 PM

This site is still around?!?!?!

willfullyobscure		2012-07-31 02:21:25 PM

browntimmy: willfullyobscure: To be fair, it is a morally repugnant movie on almost every level, and it really says something about the state of our society that we take such a high level of degraded, "shock-art" violence, and astonishingly poor examples of personality failings in every direction, for granted in our mass media entertainment. I'm pretty much ok with this review; I'd probably have some points of order to quibble on, but I really feel like this guy is doing us a favor by pointing out the elephant in the room. You don't have to be a devout Christian to see that entertainment like this is really both barbaric and decadent on its face.

Kind of like the Bible.

This is why we put our trust in religious scholars (for some religions) and ordained representatives of the faith(for others) and do not approach scripture by itself. It takes a great deal of education, interpretation and self-discipline to share divine wisdom with the masses, who are largely completely unfit to understand the message and will twist it beyond recognition to serve their own sinful needs. I'm not making that up; that's the rationale, and it's a pretty good one. Look at Al-Quaeda and the Puritans, Methodists, Pentacostals and the Westboro Baptist Church to see what happens when untrained, ignorant and vicious people take it upon themselves to interpret holy literature.

Kali-Yuga		2012-07-31 02:22:20 PM

Pharmdawg: Someone with a lot of time on their hands go thru the Bible and rate it like this guy does movies. It's jam packed with sex, violence and hatred...among the good guys!

Link

F42		2012-07-31 02:26:40 PM

James Holmes, the accused perpetrator of the genocide

12 random people is not a genocide.

Lurk sober post drunk		2012-07-31 02:31:45 PM

And, being a fission device, exploding it four miles offshore may keep Gotham City out of the blast radius but not the fallout plume. Oh, well. It's a movie. Too bad movies often teach behavior, good or bad.

i am outraged at the irresponsible fission device handling protocols hollywood is teaching our children!

Mugato		2012-07-31 02:34:24 PM

Lurk sober post drunk: i am outraged at the irresponsible fission device handling protocols hollywood is teaching our children!

It's sneaky of the fission device to throw us off by having the characters call it a fusion device about 20 times in the film.

paswa17		2012-07-31 02:36:19 PM

mistergeeky: What is their "most foul of foul words"? I'm not nutty enough to even make a good guess.

Mekrob?

Lurk sober post drunk		2012-07-31 02:37:23 PM

Mugato: Lurk sober post drunk: i am outraged at the irresponsible fission device handling protocols hollywood is teaching our children!

It's sneaky of the fission device to throw us off by having the characters call it a fusion device about 20 times in the film.

wheels within wheels

Professor Farksworth		2012-07-31 02:54:24 PM

Has anyone read his reviews of Harry Potter? They're a farking riot.

tarheel07		2012-07-31 02:54:31 PM

willfullyobscure: browntimmy: willfullyobscure: To be fair, it is a morally repugnant movie on almost every level, and it really says something about the state of our society that we take such a high level of degraded, "shock-art" violence, and astonishingly poor examples of personality failings in every direction, for granted in our mass media entertainment. I'm pretty much ok with this review; I'd probably have some points of order to quibble on, but I really feel like this guy is doing us a favor by pointing out the elephant in the room. You don't have to be a devout Christian to see that entertainment like this is really both barbaric and decadent on its face.

Kind of like the Bible.

This is why we put our trust in religious scholars (for some religions) and ordained representatives of the faith(for others) and do not approach scripture by itself. It takes a great deal of education, interpretation and self-discipline to share divine wisdom with the masses, who are largely completely unfit to understand the message and will twist it beyond recognition to serve their own sinful needs. I'm not making that up; that's the rationale, and it's a pretty good one. Look at Al-Quaeda and the Puritans, Methodists, Pentacostals and the Westboro Baptist Church to see what happens when untrained, ignorant and vicious people take it upon themselves to interpret holy literature.

One man's educated, self-disciplined interpretor of scripture is another man's untrained, ignorant, and vicious person.

Shrugging Atlas		2012-07-31 02:58:08 PM

How have I never heard of that website before now? I have hours if not days of laughter ahead of me, so thank you Subby.

shroom		2012-07-31 03:05:43 PM

willfullyobscure: Look at Al-Quaeda and the Puritans, Methodists, Pentacostals and the Westboro Baptist Church to see what happens when untrained, ignorant and vicious people take it upon themselves to interpret holy literature.

Wait, what?

/one of these is not like the others...