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(Yahoo)   Today's scientist who really needs to put down the bong publishes study demonstrating that animals would outperform humans if they were allowed to compete in the Olympics   (news.yahoo.com ) divider line
    More: Silly, animals, olympics, kilometres per hour, cheetahs, kangaroos, terrestrial animal, Highlands Ranch, sports medicines  
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1036 clicks; posted to Geek » on 28 Jul 2012 at 8:14 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-28 06:55:49 PM  
Who is going to organize the competition for the animals, hmmm?
 
2012-07-28 07:44:59 PM  
That would actually get me to watch the Olympics. I want to see someone box a kangaroo.
 
2012-07-28 07:45:01 PM  
Do they know when to start? When to stop? How not to poop on the platform? How to play volleyball? How to perform on the rings?

No?

Then STFU.
 
2012-07-28 08:19:38 PM  
If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle.
 
2012-07-28 08:42:20 PM  
And if the WWE let Silverback Gorillas in, then they'd always win the championship.
 
2012-07-28 08:47:26 PM  
I'd like to see some facts around the endurance events.

Humans can kick the shiat out of anything over rough terrain, that's how we fought our way to the top. If you can't beat them, chase them until they die from exhaustion.

/ok fine, the marathon isn't rough terrain, but we would easily beat a camel in a cross-country style race
 
2012-07-28 08:51:56 PM  
i49.tinypic.com
 
2012-07-28 09:03:21 PM  

RogermcAllen: Humans can kick the shiat out of anything over rough terrain


Yeah, you go put that one to the test. I'll be here with an "I told you so."

Our "Olympic" athletes aren't exactly the best around. Sure, they beat other humans, but nothing they do is impressive on an absolute scale.

The gold medalist in swimming? A walleye can outrun him on its worst day.
The best sprinter? Maybe matches a bear's normal running pace.
The best weight lifter? A gorilla could lift the weight, spin it around, and pretzel the bar.

Every species has SOMETHING it's good at. Humans are good at tool making. Everything else we kind of suck at.
 
2012-07-28 09:08:08 PM  
I want to see a gibbon try his hand at curling.
 
2012-07-28 09:11:09 PM  

doglover: RogermcAllen: Humans can kick the shiat out of anything over rough terrain

Yeah, you go put that one to the test. I'll be here with an "I told you so."

Our "Olympic" athletes aren't exactly the best around. Sure, they beat other humans, but nothing they do is impressive on an absolute scale.

The gold medalist in swimming? A walleye can outrun him on its worst day.
The best sprinter? Maybe matches a bear's normal running pace.
The best weight lifter? A gorilla could lift the weight, spin it around, and pretzel the bar.

Every species has SOMETHING it's good at. Humans are good at tool making. Everything else we kind of suck at.


I feel like you cherry picked my post and conveniently left out where I specified an endurance over rough terrain.

I challenge you to name one animal that can beat a human in an endurance race that requires climbing over a wall.

The only animals that might even have a chance in the endurance race (dogs, camels, ostriches) can't climb over walls.

/humans would also kick ass in combined events with running, jumping, and swimming
 
2012-07-28 09:14:26 PM  

RogermcAllen: I challenge you to name one animal that can beat a human in an endurance race that requires climbing over a wall.


www.hummingbirds.net

Hi. I'm yur ecosystem, poppin' yer bubblz.
 
2012-07-28 09:15:59 PM  

Boatmech: Or bonobos, banana daiquiris and roofies
:•)


Humans in the Bonobo Games would be worth pay-per-view.
 
2012-07-28 09:17:42 PM  

doglover: RogermcAllen: Humans can kick the shiat out of anything over rough terrain

Yeah, you go put that one to the test. I'll be here with an "I told you so."

Our "Olympic" athletes aren't exactly the best around. Sure, they beat other humans, but nothing they do is impressive on an absolute scale.

The gold medalist in swimming? A walleye can outrun him on its worst day.
The best sprinter? Maybe matches a bear's normal running pace.
The best weight lifter? A gorilla could lift the weight, spin it around, and pretzel the bar.

Every species has SOMETHING it's good at. Humans are good at tool making. Everything else we kind of suck at.


Yeah but humans are at least mediocre at all of those things. I'm totally out of shape and smoke too many cigarettes, but I could beat a walleye at weightlifting.

/I don't know about out-swimming a gorilla though...
 
2012-07-28 09:19:24 PM  

Mrbogey: And if the WWE let Silverback Gorillas in, then they'd always win the championship.


Gorilla Monsoon is gone man, let him go.
 
2012-07-28 09:22:34 PM  

colonel0sanders: /I don't know about out-swimming a gorilla though...


Actually, you'd win that too. Their muscle and bone density is so high that they just sink.
 
2012-07-28 09:23:05 PM  
Who is going to beat humans at basketball?
 
2012-07-28 09:23:55 PM  

doglover: RogermcAllen: I challenge you to name one animal that can beat a human in an endurance race that requires climbing over a wall.

[www.hummingbirds.net image 400x300]

Hi. I'm yur ecosystem, poppin' yer bubblz.


You win this round. I'm pretty sure the rules to a running race don't actually specify that you have to touch the ground.

/although I'll still get grumpy and complain that I could beat a hummingbird in a distance event until you posted a goose or something
 
2012-07-28 09:24:48 PM  

colonel0sanders: doglover: RogermcAllen: Humans can kick the shiat out of anything over rough terrain

Yeah, you go put that one to the test. I'll be here with an "I told you so."

Our "Olympic" athletes aren't exactly the best around. Sure, they beat other humans, but nothing they do is impressive on an absolute scale.

The gold medalist in swimming? A walleye can outrun him on its worst day.
The best sprinter? Maybe matches a bear's normal running pace.
The best weight lifter? A gorilla could lift the weight, spin it around, and pretzel the bar.

Every species has SOMETHING it's good at. Humans are good at tool making. Everything else we kind of suck at.

Yeah but humans are at least mediocre at all of those things. I'm totally out of shape and smoke too many cigarettes, but I could beat a walleye at weightlifting.

/I don't know about out-swimming a gorilla though...


I reckon the problem is the Olympics are all human specific. There's not a single animal that can do anything in the wrong environment. Fish can't climb walls, but they sure as hell can jump and swim like nobody's business. A sparrow can't run, but you could never outpace one. Especially not with elevation.

There there's issues of scale. Humans are big, so one of our jumps can take us farther than a flea can jump. But a flea can jump hundreds of times its own body length. If a human could jump anywhere near the level of a flea, we'd have to take long jump out of the Olympics because stadiums would be too long otherwise.

And basically if you've been in the same room as a great ape or big cat, you know inferiority. There's simply nothing the human body has to offer that can compare.
 
2012-07-28 09:30:41 PM  

RogermcAllen: although I'll still get grumpy and complain that I could beat a hummingbird in a distance event


" When the Ruby-Throated Hummingbirds are flying over the Gulf of Mexico during migration, there is no place to land to sleep, so they must keep on going. Many years ago, fisherman and oil rig workers would report seeking hummingbirds zip by them out in the gulf 200 miles away from land. The hummingbirds could be seen flying low over the water toward shore. The workers started to notice this happening every year, recording the common migration routes taken by the Ruby-Throated Hummingbirds. It's amazing to think that these little tiny fluffs of feathers would travel over 450 miles of water with a 20 mile an hour headwind (with more than 20 hours of travel time) to make it to their favorite breeding grounds."

Link


Nave Seals, the Spartans, Heracles himself: Nobody in the human race has traveled 450 miles laterally nonstop in less than a day unaided. If they have, PLEASE POST A LINK. I have got to know what they did and emulate it.
 
2012-07-28 09:35:39 PM  

doglover: RogermcAllen: Humans can kick the shiat out of anything over rough terrain

Yeah, you go put that one to the test. I'll be here with an "I told you so."


Persistence Hunting
 
2012-07-28 09:38:17 PM  
If we could teach a hawk to handle a rifle, he'd kick ass in target shooting.
 
2012-07-28 09:42:52 PM  
What other animal can train itself to do all the Olympic sports and do decently well at them?

We're not specialized animals, except for brainpower. Being a generalist means you're not the best at anything, but do okay at most things.
 
2012-07-28 09:45:22 PM  

BarkingUnicorn: doglover: RogermcAllen: Humans can kick the shiat out of anything over rough terrain

Yeah, you go put that one to the test. I'll be here with an "I told you so."

Persistence Hunting


Yeah, 22mi over 5 hours vs 450 mi over 20

Takin' all bets, takin' all bets. Lay your money down.
 
2012-07-28 10:14:52 PM  

doglover: Takin' all bets, takin' all bets. Lay your money down.


FFS. Moving a ten-gram bird 700 kilometers is three orders of magnitude less costly than moving a 70,000-gram human 10 kilometers. Check your units and scales, d00d.
 
2012-07-28 10:23:15 PM  

theorellior: doglover: Takin' all bets, takin' all bets. Lay your money down.

FFS. Moving a ten-gram bird 700 kilometers is three orders of magnitude less costly than moving a 70,000-gram human 10 kilometers. Check your units and scales, d00d.


To be fair, we weren't arguing scales. Concede the loss unless you really want to get into pedantry and claim that the hummingbird couldn't do it wearing the clothes or even just the number required by the official rules.
 
2012-07-28 10:26:34 PM  

theorellior: What other animal can train itself to do all the Olympic sports and do decently well at them?

We're not specialized animals, except for brainpower. Being a generalist means you're not the best at anything, but do okay at most things.


Pretty much this. Specialized vs. generalized is like putting an Abrams tank in the fuel economy competition with a motorcycle.

Or giving the motorcycle a tank shell and telling it to find some germans. Humans are not the apex predator because of how awesome our bodies are; we're pretty much shiat in that category compared to every other animal. But our brains (even the politics tab) are unequalled, as is our tool crafting.

Ergo the arguments here are stupid.
 
2012-07-28 10:37:05 PM  

Whatthefark: [i49.tinypic.com image 220x403]


Came in to post that movie. I really enjoyed it when I was younger. I think I might try to find it to see if it holds up over time. A quick look show that Harry Shearer and Brad Bird also had their hand in it.

As for the article. I wouldn't knock it. If some young kid gets inspired to learn more then it served a good purpose.
 
2012-07-28 10:38:11 PM  

RogermcAllen: To be fair, we weren't arguing scales. Concede the loss unless you really want to get into pedantry and claim that the hummingbird couldn't do it wearing the clothes or even just the number required by the official rules.


But we are talking scales. A hummingbird has a completely different set of motor, mechanical, environmental and energy requirements than a human does. Heck, it even experiences the viscosity of the air differently. It's also flying. Flying is a completely different form of locomotion that has large efficiency gains over distance.

I'm not arguing for the supremacy of the human form; far from it. Basically our killer app is our propensity to sharpen sticks and use them in large collective groups. But you can't take specialists at specific traits (swimming for fish, strength for gorillas) and compare them to a human sporting event that covers all these specialties and more. If you can find me a gorilla that can heave a shot, powerlift, and swim 100 meters, then we can start talking. Otherwise, it's like a bee saying humans suck because we can't see ultraviolet, or a fish laughing at our inability to detect water pressure because we don't have a lateral line.
 
2012-07-28 10:49:44 PM  

theorellior: . If you can find me a gorilla that can heave a shot, powerlift, and swim 100 meters, then we can start talking


Find me a human that can do all those things well. They don't exist. Michal Phelps isn't on the shot put team. Japan's silver medalist power lifer isn't on the women's soccer team.

The Olympics only looks cool because humans are doing it. In absolute terms, there's an animal that can beat humans at every event. On an equal scale, there's an animal that can beat a human many times over in every event. Usually a beetle.

Basically face it: it's a silly argument to think animals and humans can fairly compete in the same events. A male orang can bend steel with one arm that one of those power lifters could barely dent with their whole body's strength. But a human can easily outrun the orang in a marathon because we have much longer legs. Only, we'd lose that marathon to a horse unless we add retarded conditions like 110 degree Africa weather. Try that "endurance" hunting shiat in Pennsylvania woods in fall and see how many whitetail you can catch. Just be sure to wear orange because you'll be shot otherwise.

There's no one physically superior species as every orc has its bane, but as far as bodies go humans wouldn't medal in anything inter-species unless we cherry pick the competition and force unfair human advantages, like requiring clothing or banning flying and water breathing animals.
 
2012-07-28 10:55:43 PM  

doglover: Basically face it: it's a silly argument to think animals and humans can fairly compete in the same events.


I don't have to face it, that what I've been saying all along. Thanks God that's settled.
 
2012-07-28 11:06:31 PM  

theorellior: doglover: Basically face it: it's a silly argument to think animals and humans can fairly compete in the same events.

I don't have to face it, that what I've been saying all along. Thanks God that's settled.


Now let's DRINK until it don't seem silly no more and get up to a round of One Armed Gator Baitin' out in the river.
 
2012-07-28 11:07:06 PM  
Not to be confused with One Armed Gator Batin' which is illegal in 51 states.
 
2012-07-28 11:12:11 PM  

doglover: Not to be confused with One Armed Gator Batin' which is illegal in 51 states.


i49.tinypic.com

Frito batin' is okey-dokey, though.
 
2012-07-28 11:16:48 PM  
Ready Gus. Oich!
 
2012-07-29 12:00:17 AM  

BarkingUnicorn: doglover: RogermcAllen: Humans can kick the shiat out of anything over rough terrain

Yeah, you go put that one to the test. I'll be here with an "I told you so."

Persistence Hunting


Not this shiat again.

Just cause a gnu or whatever can't sweat doesn't mean humans win at all endurance. Horses can sweat, and they'll out endurance your ass while going faster and carrying shiat to boot. Now that I said that you'll no doubt compare a sprinting horses max distance to a jogging humans or something stupid like that.

These threads are so silly. Set up a specific (which soon involves goalpost moving towards increasingly specific) scenario and declare people superior at anything.

I can outswim a fish if the water is filled with poison. Haha humans win again.

Bah.

That said, obviously humans are the best overall between tools and thinking. Why can't that be enough?
 
2012-07-29 12:03:48 AM  

Sgygus: Who is going to organize the competition for the animals, hmmm?


Fox Network duh?, you didn't forget Man vs Beast did you?
 
2012-07-29 12:31:43 AM  
This is full of fail because decathlon
 
2012-07-29 12:33:19 AM  

Smackledorfer: That said, obviously humans are the best overall between tools and thinking. Why can't that be enough?


Because our mushroomed penises are far larger than any of the other great apes. If you want to compare humans to apes, we humans suck at everything but tools and dick. But we're heads and tails over everyone else with that.
 
2012-07-29 12:39:59 AM  

Smackledorfer: That said, obviously humans are the best overall between tools and thinking. Why can't that be enough?


Why even have the Olympics, then? Seems we should all be watching chess matches and Robot Wars instead.
 
2012-07-29 01:02:29 AM  

sendtodave: Smackledorfer: That said, obviously humans are the best overall between tools and thinking. Why can't that be enough?

Why even have the Olympics, then? Seems we should all be watching chess matches and Robot Wars instead.


That was an irrelevant response. Maybe you should read whole posts and take sentences in the context of the post? I was talking about why its stupid to compare humans to animals, not whether or not humans should compete with each other at physical tasks.

But if that's where you want to go with the conversation, then it wouldn't matter whether it was a sprint or a chess match. Both competitions would be equally worthwhile or pointless depending on the value of winning to the individual participants.
 
2012-07-29 01:19:19 AM  

Smackledorfer: That was an irrelevant response.


It was supposed to be funny.
 
2012-07-29 01:23:10 AM  
Sports are utterly trivial and don't deserve the admiration and worship that they receive, but it's better than the real competition of politics and war.
I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing if the masses show little interest in the stuff that matters.
 
2012-07-29 01:38:50 AM  

doglover: colonel0sanders: doglover: RogermcAllen: Humans can kick the shiat out of anything over rough terrain

Yeah, you go put that one to the test. I'll be here with an "I told you so."

Our "Olympic" athletes aren't exactly the best around. Sure, they beat other humans, but nothing they do is impressive on an absolute scale.

The gold medalist in swimming? A walleye can outrun him on its worst day.
The best sprinter? Maybe matches a bear's normal running pace.
The best weight lifter? A gorilla could lift the weight, spin it around, and pretzel the bar.

Every species has SOMETHING it's good at. Humans are good at tool making. Everything else we kind of suck at.

Yeah but humans are at least mediocre at all of those things. I'm totally out of shape and smoke too many cigarettes, but I could beat a walleye at weightlifting.

/I don't know about out-swimming a gorilla though...

I reckon the problem is the Olympics are all human specific. There's not a single animal that can do anything in the wrong environment. Fish can't climb walls, but they sure as hell can jump and swim like nobody's business. A sparrow can't run, but you could never outpace one. Especially not with elevation.

There there's issues of scale. Humans are big, so one of our jumps can take us farther than a flea can jump. But a flea can jump hundreds of times its own body length. If a human could jump anywhere near the level of a flea, we'd have to take long jump out of the Olympics because stadiums would be too long otherwise.

And basically if you've been in the same room as a great ape or big cat, you know inferiority. There's simply nothing the human body has to offer that can compare.


images.nationalgeographic.com

If you're in the same room as a great ape or a big cat, it's because a human put you both in that room.
 
2012-07-29 01:41:08 AM  

doglover: Sgygus: Who is going to beat humans at basketball?

[images.wikia.com image 764x572]


I would have gone with these guys myself.

0.tqn.com

Either side would beat us.
 
2012-07-29 01:43:49 AM  

kroonermanblack: theorellior: What other animal can train itself to do all the Olympic sports and do decently well at them?

We're not specialized animals, except for brainpower. Being a generalist means you're not the best at anything, but do okay at most things.

Pretty much this. Specialized vs. generalized is like putting an Abrams tank in the fuel economy competition with a motorcycle.

Or giving the motorcycle a tank shell and telling it to find some germans. Humans are not the apex predator because of how awesome our bodies are; we're pretty much shiat in that category compared to every other animal. But our brains (even the politics tab) are unequalled, as is our tool crafting.

Ergo the arguments here are stupid.


doglover: Smackledorfer: That said, obviously humans are the best overall between tools and thinking. Why can't that be enough?

Because our mushroomed penises are far larger than any of the other great apes. If you want to compare humans to apes, we humans suck at everything but tools and dick. But we're heads and tails over everyone else with that.


One of the things that humans are best at is sucking dick. Which is super awesome.
 
2012-07-29 01:45:13 AM  
i.imgur.com
 
2012-07-29 01:57:58 AM  
No animal can out-troll us humans!

WE WIN!
 
2012-07-29 02:03:53 AM  
This reminds me of an illustration from National Lampoon many years ago that featured human/animal hybrids for the olympics. Sadly, my image search-fu is weak. Now get off my lawn.
 
2012-07-29 02:17:33 AM  

sendtodave: Smackledorfer: That was an irrelevant response.

It was supposed to be funny.


My bad
 
2012-07-29 02:20:56 AM  

doglover: n absolute terms, there's an animal that can beat humans at every event.


Really?

i.huffpost.com
 
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