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(The Onion)   Sadly, Nation Knows Exactly How Colorado Shooting's Aftermath Will Play Out   (theonion.com ) divider line
    More: Obvious, Colorado Shooting, Colorado  
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24354 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Jul 2012 at 11:35 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-21 12:01:02 AM  
Spot-on, Onion. I hate to say it, but yes.

Trocadero: Having a short memory is a blessing and a curse. We don't have thousand year old blood feuds which influence regional politics for generations, like the Old World. However, we also seem to be incapable of learning from our dumb mistakes, and are always caught by surprise when something truly horrible happens.


In all fairness, I don't think anyone outside those immediately impacted are surprised by this. There are 300 million people in this country, and some of them are mentally unstable and capable of horrible things. As for those in the theatre, nobody ever is truly prepared for this sort of thing, and there really is no way to prepare short of being in the military. So many people talk about what they would have done if they were there, but reality is we have no idea what we would do until the moment arrives.
 
2012-07-21 12:01:11 AM  
I'm surprised Fark had the combat pressure suit ads up for so long today....
 
2012-07-21 12:01:20 AM  
BigSnatch: You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying!

Of course, because we expect things like that to happen to certain groups of people.

BigSnatch: If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan".

Well, no one will care about the gang banger because he/she is completely worthless trash who will not be missed, and someone did society a favor by snuffing them. Being blown up is a part of a Soldier's occupational hazards. We expect things like this to happen.

BigSnatch: But when I say that one little movie theater will be shot up, well then everyone loses their minds!

Well, yeah. Your first thought when going to a movie theatre isn't going to be "Well, someone's going to walk in, and go postal on our screen."
 
2012-07-21 12:01:24 AM  

Renowned transvestite sexologist: There's no politics that can stop this, there's no laws that can fix this, nothing can fix this.


So why doesn't it happen with such frequency in other western countries?
 
2012-07-21 12:02:03 AM  
I was gonna post a "What, You mad bro?" caption of Charles Whitman, but then after deep personal reflection on this tragedy, I remembered that I'm way too lazy to do that.
 
2012-07-21 12:02:03 AM  
The nation's citizens also confirmed that, any time now, some religious figure or cable news personality will say something unbelievably insensitive about the tragic shooting.

Too late.

"You know what really gets me, as a Christian, is to see the ongoing attacks on Judeo-Christian beliefs, and then some senseless crazy act of terror like this takes place," Gohmert said.


Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters.


And the theaters will probably go along with it. You know, to prevent people from bringing their own snacks weapons.
 
2012-07-21 12:03:29 AM  
Onion writes an article about it, and Fark links to it in 3...2...
 
2012-07-21 12:03:56 AM  

ZAZ: I often listen to CBS news on the radio driving home. It may be MSM, but it usually tells me something about what happened today and I can't safely read news online while driving. When anchorboy promised reaction from Obama and Romney during the third segment I realized there wasn't going to be anything else on the news but one five minute story dragged out to 30 minutes. And that made me irked at the shooter. TV news is like a shark. Behavior is built in at the instinctive level. Mass shooting = mass coverage. You don't hate sharks for being sharks. You kill them, if necessary, but without emotion. But the shooter had a brain. He had a choice. He should have known that he was going to displace real news. He could have spared us the media frenzy. For not doing that, he deserves the death penalty.


Are you suggesting the next mass shooter should target the media instead of random civilians?

Because that sounds about right to me. They can ponder the effect on other media talking heads, interview one another's cameramen and on-the-spot reporters; and the rest of us can get on with our lives. Of course, the resulting black hole of suck will cause the media to implode forever, which also is not a bad thing.
 
2012-07-21 12:03:57 AM  

whatshisname: So why doesn't it happen with such frequency in other western countries?


Their local crazies make bombs. Same result, different way of expressing it.
 
2012-07-21 12:04:04 AM  

BronyMedic: BigSnatch: You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying!

Of course, because we expect things like that to happen to certain groups of people.

BigSnatch: If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan".

Well, no one will care about the gang banger because he/she is completely worthless trash who will not be missed, and someone did society a favor by snuffing them. Being blown up is a part of a Soldier's occupational hazards. We expect things like this to happen.

BigSnatch: But when I say that one little movie theater will be shot up, well then everyone loses their minds!

Well, yeah. Your first thought when going to a movie theatre isn't going to be "Well, someone's going to walk in, and go postal on our screen."


Have you seen "The Dark Knight?" If you have, that's a pretty good act you're pulling.
 
2012-07-21 12:04:28 AM  

BronyMedic: Well, yeah. Your first thought when going to a movie theatre isn't going to be "Well, someone's going to walk in, and go postal on our screen."


A brony not getting it. That's weird
 
2012-07-21 12:04:34 AM  

Lsherm: Well, it took them all of four hours to figure out what his middle name was. The first reports didn't have it, but sure enough every story today has it.


Wonder if that'll stick. Use of a middle name in media reports and eventually history books tends to be reserved for serial killers rather than mass murderers.
 
2012-07-21 12:04:42 AM  

Hobodeluxe: The subject legally purchased four guns in the last 60 days at two different chain stores. He also purchased 6,000 rounds of various ammunition on the internet in addition to multiple magazines for the assault rifle, including a 100-round drum magazine.

you'd think that the ATF would have a red flag pop up if someone started rapidly loading up like this but no they can't. Thanks NRA


You've obviously not met about half the people in Spokane county.
 
2012-07-21 12:05:48 AM  

rohar: You've obviously not met about half the people in Spokane county.


that's Spocompton to you
 
2012-07-21 12:05:58 AM  

whatshisname: Renowned transvestite sexologist: There's no politics that can stop this, there's no laws that can fix this, nothing can fix this.

So why doesn't it happen with such frequency in other western countries?


Culture
 
2012-07-21 12:06:11 AM  
I'm surprised I haven't seen any crying eagle Batman photoshops yet. You disappoint me, Fark.
 
2012-07-21 12:06:29 AM  
ya know, MSNBC is on right now (wife choice) and they're repeatedly showing interviews with survivors and those who escaped this fuktwit.

Listening to these people tell numerous tales of heroically saving friends and unknown nearby moviegoers, I am heartened.
There IS hope for humanity.

It is my prayer that this dickhead gets to see these tales of ordinary people performing heroic acts in the face of his cowardly behavior...
over, and over and over again....intertwined with the mundane but very human tales of love lost and families destroyed

For the rest of his natural life.
 
2012-07-21 12:06:48 AM  
The candle light vigils are the worst.
 
2012-07-21 12:07:56 AM  
Don't Troll Me Bro!: BronyMedic: BigSnatch: You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying!

Of course, because we expect things like that to happen to certain groups of people.

BigSnatch: If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan".

Well, no one will care about the gang banger because he/she is completely worthless trash who will not be missed, and someone did society a favor by snuffing them. Being blown up is a part of a Soldier's occupational hazards. We expect things like this to happen.

BigSnatch: But when I say that one little movie theater will be shot up, well then everyone loses their minds!

Well, yeah. Your first thought when going to a movie theatre isn't going to be "Well, someone's going to walk in, and go postal on our screen."

Have you seen "The Dark Knight?" If you have, that's a pretty good act you're pulling.


What, about the gang bangers?

No, I really think that everyone should get a pass for killing bangers. Like, if you choose to be in a gang, you're basically wearing a sign that says "hunt me".

I also think that bangers killing bangers should also be legal. Give them marksmanship classes. That way they can shoot eachother, rather than the three year old riding her bike.

We could make a television show out of it. I mean, hell, we could take over the Biggest Loser, and have it showcase the fattest banger killed that day.

And, before you ask, I think it should transcend all races, creeds, religions, and nationalities. Cap a few David Dukes along with your Snoop Dogs.
 
2012-07-21 12:09:26 AM  
FTA: "Oh, and here's another thing I hate I know," Brennen continued, "In exactly two weeks this will all be over and it will be like it never happened."

There's some wishful thinking, and the only thing that isn't true. This will drag on FOREVER, and is big enough to declare that this summer is officially Zimmerman/bath salts/Aurora summer. He didn't even have the kindness to shoot himself either, so now we're going to have to hear whatever crazy shiat he wants to spew, like the Norway killer.

/Seriously, WTF is it with Colorado people?
 
2012-07-21 12:09:36 AM  

Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.


I call BS. People are saying this? WHAT people are saying this?
 
2012-07-21 12:11:00 AM  

Walker: Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it.


O RLY? You're honestly suggesting that if the USA had universal health-care with a preventative care focus and/or stopped criminalizing people with addiction problems and employed harm-reduction methods that these factors would have no impact on amount of violence, crime, and crazy out there?

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son...
 
2012-07-21 12:11:05 AM  

drnugget: The candle light vigils are the worst.


Those and the stupid on site litter memorials that stick around for months if not forever.
 
2012-07-21 12:11:11 AM  

Genju: Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.

LOL even though the guy went through the side exits right? They'll probably only have them on the entrances.


It's like I said in one of the other threads on the subject -- Airport-style security theater would have done absolutely nothing to prevent this massacre (primarily because the metal detectors and cancer machines would all be at the main entrance and TriggerHappy McSmallDick went in through an emergency exit), but will be implemented because it makes middle-aged, middle-class, Middle America white people with mid-sized minivans feel safe.
 
2012-07-21 12:11:40 AM  

Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.


Are you being logical on the interwebz?!? :O
 
2012-07-21 12:12:24 AM  
In my opinion, the ant-gun activists (with the exception of Bloomberg) will keep quiet regarding what happened. They're all too busy waiting and hoping Obama is re elected.

What activists will do is use this as an excuse to psychologically profile potential gun buyers. Probubly. After all, the gunman was a neuro scientist with no criminal history or apparent signs of physchological problems according to his friends.

Just my two cents.
 
2012-07-21 12:14:14 AM  
memedepot.com
 
2012-07-21 12:15:12 AM  
I got about half way but I couldn't finish reading the article. No, maybe it wasn't all that offensive but I'm afraid The Onion stepped in it this time.
farm6.staticflickr.com
 
2012-07-21 12:15:14 AM  

King Something: Genju: Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.

LOL even though the guy went through the side exits right? They'll probably only have them on the entrances.

It's like I said in one of the other threads on the subject -- Airport-style security theater would have done absolutely nothing to prevent this massacre (primarily because the metal detectors and cancer machines would all be at the main entrance and TriggerHappy McSmallDick went in through an emergency exit), but will be implemented because it makes middle-aged, middle-class, Middle America white people with mid-sized minivans feel safe.


I keep seeing this term used. Looks like lots of you haven't been to a theater out in fly over country recently. Almost all theaters have exit only doors next to the screens. They're not alarmed. They're there to allow the patrons to exit the theater quickly rather than everyone try and go back out the entrance at once creating a queue.
 
2012-07-21 12:15:34 AM  
They missed the part where more of our freedoms are lost in the name of feeling safe. Yeah, fark you GOPers. You farking pussies.
 
2012-07-21 12:16:05 AM  

Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.


The thing about this is that it's going to be probably a one time thing with the theatre shooting (fingers crossed we don't get a copycat in the coming weeks). There is no terrorist organization that's dedicated to having a shootup at the movies. It's all from a lone nutcase. So all the security amps are not really necessary.
 
2012-07-21 12:16:17 AM  

EngineerAU: Lsherm: Well, it took them all of four hours to figure out what his middle name was. The first reports didn't have it, but sure enough every story today has it.

Wonder if that'll stick. Use of a middle name in media reports and eventually history books tends to be reserved for serial killers rather than mass murderers.


It stuck for the UVA shooter and that idiot that shot Giffords, so I don't see why it won't stick this time. They follow a pattern. I'm serious - they didn't have the middle name in the stories yesterday, but try to find a story today that doesn't have it.

It makes me wonder what's going to happen when we get a serial killer/mass murderer who flat out doesn't have a middle name. They may invent a nickname and stick it in there.
 
2012-07-21 12:16:45 AM  

mr smart the great: and if only every person would carry a gun or at least a bat.


Your comment reminded me that the Aurora mall used to be gang banger central. There used to be gang shootings in the parking lot all the time. I blame the mexican cartels for making black gangs obsolete. Back in the heyday of the Crips v. Bloods about 50 people in the theater would have shot back.
 
2012-07-21 12:16:52 AM  
Why was he able to leave through an emergency exit without an alarm going off? And why was he able to prop open an emergency door? I couldn't prop open the door to my dorm without an alarm sounding, why are these just regular doors?

If an emergency exit is being used for emergencies then an alarm going off when propped isn't an issue since there's a god damn emergency. When the alarm goes off during your movie for no reason that should raise some suspicion in the security office.
 
2012-07-21 12:17:29 AM  

WizardofToast: Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.

The thing about this is that it's going to be probably a one time thing with the theatre shooting (fingers crossed we don't get a copycat in the coming weeks). There is no terrorist organization that's dedicated to having a shootup at the movies. It's all from a lone nutcase. So all the security amps are not really necessary.


Aryan Nations is regrouping and there's a lot of colored people that go to / are in movies.
 
2012-07-21 12:17:35 AM  

BarkingUnicorn: For once, The Onion isn't amusing.


You mean like this?

Link

Brutal and brilliant satire. This article still brings a tear to my eye. It's really tough to read.
 
2012-07-21 12:17:39 AM  
BronyMedic:
He went in the theatre as a normal patron. He then exited through the fire escape, propped it open so it wouldn't lock him out, loaded up for bear, and went back in to kill people. Nothing they do will prevent that from happening.

Or..... there could've been alarms or sensors on those doors.
Isn't that the simplest solution to prevent this in the future rather than TSA style patdowns?
I thought it was already this way in theaters to prevent folks from sneaking in.
 
2012-07-21 12:17:49 AM  

Triumph: Old and Busted: Body scanners and pat-downs
New Hotness: Genia scanners


I'm not the only one who read this as "genitalia scanners," right? Right??
 
2012-07-21 12:17:58 AM  

rohar: I keep seeing this term used. Looks like lots of you haven't been to a theater out in fly over country recently. Almost all theaters have exit only doors next to the screens. They're not alarmed. They're there to allow the patrons to exit the theater quickly rather than everyone try and go back out the entrance at once creating a queue.


They're there for fire safety. To save lives. Is that ironic? I don't even know anymore.
 
2012-07-21 12:18:29 AM  

rohar: Hobodeluxe: The subject legally purchased four guns in the last 60 days at two different chain stores. He also purchased 6,000 rounds of various ammunition on the internet in addition to multiple magazines for the assault rifle, including a 100-round drum magazine.

you'd think that the ATF would have a red flag pop up if someone started rapidly loading up like this but no they can't. Thanks NRA

You've obviously not met about half the people in Spokane Stevens County.


FTFY

/Sorry about the correction (I usually hate it when people do that) but the really hardcore gun nuts are to the north of us.
//And thanks for reminding me about where I live. I was thinking of going to a movie this weekend.
///Don't own a gun.
 
2012-07-21 12:19:03 AM  

EngineerAU: Lsherm: Well, it took them all of four hours to figure out what his middle name was. The first reports didn't have it, but sure enough every story today has it.

Wonder if that'll stick. Use of a middle name in media reports and eventually history books tends to be reserved for serial killers rather than mass murderers.


And assassins.
 
2012-07-21 12:20:14 AM  

JerkyMeat: They missed the part where more of our freedoms are lost in the name of feeling safe. Yeah, fark you GOPers.


They're not the ones calling for more gun control though?
 
2012-07-21 12:20:55 AM  

Hobodeluxe: The subject legally purchased four guns in the last 60 days at two different chain stores. He also purchased 6,000 rounds of various ammunition on the internet in addition to multiple magazines for the assault rifle, including a 100-round drum magazine.

you'd think that the ATF would have a red flag pop up if someone started rapidly loading up like this but no they can't. Thanks NRA US Constitution and the presumption of innocence


Fixed that for you.

I suppose we could try the pre-crime route. The ACLU should be OK with that, right?
 
2012-07-21 12:20:56 AM  

drjekel_mrhyde: NickelP: Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.

Seems reasonable to me.

This


Um, no. My best memory of one of the Star Wars prequels was the guy with the stormtrooper costume in line. This involved a mask and a fake gun. I refuse to accept changes everywhere because of a single event that almost never happens, and even if it happened every damn night, the odds of it affecting any particular moviegoer in any particular theater would still be astronomically low.
 
2012-07-21 12:21:29 AM  

RanDomino: Did you hear The Dark Knight was a comedy? Yeah, it had people rolling in the aisles.


Boo
 
2012-07-21 12:22:31 AM  

MacWizard: EngineerAU: Lsherm: Well, it took them all of four hours to figure out what his middle name was. The first reports didn't have it, but sure enough every story today has it.

Wonder if that'll stick. Use of a middle name in media reports and eventually history books tends to be reserved for serial killers rather than mass murderers.

And assassins.


Be afraid, very afraid.

;)
 
2012-07-21 12:24:08 AM  
I know somebody who'll volunteer to screen patrons during showings of Disney films.
spacebison.com
 
2012-07-21 12:24:21 AM  
The Onion forgot the part where screenings and press junkets are canceled for fear of similar attacks, and any movie with a scene remotely resembling a similar massacre is pulled immediately until the aforementioned waiting period where everything is forgotten expires.

By the way, happy Moon Landing Day for anybody wanting to remember something positive about humanity.

www.nasa.gov
 
2012-07-21 12:24:34 AM  

Swoop1809: Why was he able to leave through an emergency exit without an alarm going off? And why was he able to prop open an emergency door? I couldn't prop open the door to my dorm without an alarm sounding, why are these just regular doors?

If an emergency exit is being used for emergencies then an alarm going off when propped isn't an issue since there's a god damn emergency. When the alarm goes off during your movie for no reason that should raise some suspicion in the security office.


Last time I was in a theater, the "emergency exit" didn't even have a door. It was an opening right next to the screen, and quite well lit, obviously a funnel to get people clear of the theater and out into the parking lot in an emergency. The outermost door may have been alarmed, but more likely not, and probably only had a pressure bar keeping it shut.

As a former security officer, I can tell you that a very high percentage of "emergency exits" not only don't have alarms on them, but those that do are ridiculously easy to defeat (a piece of tape or tinfoil will do it). Only exits in main areas are alarmed.
 
2012-07-21 12:25:01 AM  

Indubitably: MacWizard: EngineerAU: Lsherm: Well, it took them all of four hours to figure out what his middle name was. The first reports didn't have it, but sure enough every story today has it.

Wonder if that'll stick. Use of a middle name in media reports and eventually history books tends to be reserved for serial killers rather than mass murderers.

And assassins.

Be afraid, very afraid.

;)


P.S. Love works, and violence does not; what else do you need to know? That is it.
 
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