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(The Onion)   Sadly, Nation Knows Exactly How Colorado Shooting's Aftermath Will Play Out   (theonion.com) divider line 287
    More: Obvious, Colorado Shooting, Colorado  
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24316 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Jul 2012 at 11:35 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-20 06:06:39 PM  
For once, The Onion isn't amusing.
 
2012-07-20 06:12:14 PM  
Sad and completely accurate
 
2012-07-20 06:12:16 PM  

BarkingUnicorn: For once, The Onion isn't amusing.


Sometimes, being right isn't always funny.
 
2012-07-20 06:15:22 PM  
Spot on.
 
2012-07-20 06:24:08 PM  
They left out the part about the squadron of grief counselors who will be deployed to every school in the area, even though they're all on break and none of the kids were actually present at the shooting.
 
2012-07-20 06:28:03 PM  
That and 5000 teddy bears, and pics of the victims in Ziploc bags festooning some nearby chain-link fence.
 
2012-07-20 06:29:51 PM  

Contrabulous Flabtraption: Sad and completely accurate


Sadly, we all know the drill by now, what happens after a tragedy.
 
2012-07-20 06:30:57 PM  
Yep.
 
2012-07-20 06:51:29 PM  
I imagine people will be changing their twiiter and facebook avatars to something somber sometime between tonight and tomorrow morning.
 
2012-07-20 07:01:15 PM  

Vodka Zombie: I imagine people will be changing their twiiter and facebook avatars to something somber sometime between tonight and tomorrow morning.


Repost this if you care about the murder victims

you insensitive bastards
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-07-20 07:11:40 PM  
I often listen to CBS news on the radio driving home. It may be MSM, but it usually tells me something about what happened today and I can't safely read news online while driving. When anchorboy promised reaction from Obama and Romney during the third segment I realized there wasn't going to be anything else on the news but one five minute story dragged out to 30 minutes. And that made me irked at the shooter. TV news is like a shark. Behavior is built in at the instinctive level. Mass shooting = mass coverage. You don't hate sharks for being sharks. You kill them, if necessary, but without emotion. But the shooter had a brain. He had a choice. He should have known that he was going to displace real news. He could have spared us the media frenzy. For not doing that, he deserves the death penalty.
 
2012-07-20 08:53:26 PM  

simplicimus: Contrabulous Flabtraption: Sad and completely accurate

Sadly, we all know the drill by now, what happens after a tragedy.


Well, it took them all of four hours to figure out what his middle name was. The first reports didn't have it, but sure enough every story today has it.
 
2012-07-20 09:03:25 PM  
Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.
 
2012-07-20 09:05:47 PM  

Lsherm: simplicimus: Contrabulous Flabtraption: Sad and completely accurate

Sadly, we all know the drill by now, what happens after a tragedy.

Well, it took them all of four hours to figure out what his middle name was. The first reports didn't have it, but sure enough every story today has it.


Is his middle name, Wayne?
 
2012-07-20 09:07:42 PM  
How long do we have to wait for metal detectors and pat downs at the movie theater?
 
2012-07-20 09:13:27 PM  
Paging The Onion is prophetic to thread 7225049. The Onion is prophetic, please pick up the white courtesy phone.
 
2012-07-20 09:16:39 PM  

Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.


Seems reasonable to me.
 
2012-07-20 09:19:13 PM  

Walker: If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.


There's still a risk there you'll end up with incurable Perineal Bunker-Rot...
 
2012-07-20 09:58:03 PM  

FriarReb98: Paging The Onion is prophetic to thread 7225049. The Onion is prophetic, please pick up the white courtesy phone.


Not so much prophetic as just plain true... sadly, this isn't really satire in this day and age.
 
2012-07-20 10:18:22 PM  

2xhelix: They left out the part about the squadron of grief counselors who will be deployed to every school in the area, even though they're all on break and none of the kids were actually present at the shooting.


THIS.

What did schools do before grief-counseling became all the rage? All I remember is my crabby history teacher one Monday morning saying "so Chris Dipshiat (not his real name) plowed his Trans-Am into a tree Saturday night while drunk as a skunk and he's dead. Who wants his desk?"

/adjusts belt-onion
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2012-07-20 10:26:40 PM  
What did schools do before grief-counseling became all the rage?

A student in my grade died. There were about 30-40 in our class and 200-250 overall. The morning assembly the next day was a couple minutes longer to say a few words. I don't remember the details, except that I decided I didn't want a job that required me to call up parents and tell them their only child was dead. We spontaneously talked a bit about it in art class, for no particular reason. (I think it was art class.) And life went on for the rest of us.

Next school, a student died over winter or spring break. There was a somewhat longer talk during a school assembly. And again life went on.
 
2012-07-20 10:47:33 PM  
On the surface, this might seem true but I don't really buy it. The clueless politicians say the same things, the idiot news reporters focus on the same things and regurgitate their uninspired musings so it seems the same but every community and city is different. New Yorkers respond differently than, say, people in a small town in Iowa would. I dunno.
 
2012-07-20 11:01:51 PM  

dj_bigbird: BarkingUnicorn: For once, The Onion isn't amusing.

Sometimes, being right isn't always funny.


And being funny isn't always right.

right?
 
2012-07-20 11:03:03 PM  
only skimmed the article so can someone tell me when the massive outcry for theater safety will start, and what time it ends? (I'm guessing 5-10 minutes after someone points out that a ticket will go up 50 cents..)
 
2012-07-20 11:37:58 PM  
Hey, everyone who's spamming that ribbon-with-Batman-silhouette on Facebook. Knock it the fark off, there is nothing tackier and stupider
 
2012-07-20 11:38:07 PM  
and if only every person would carry a gun or at least a bat.
 
2012-07-20 11:38:44 PM  
Yes. It will no doubt play out in a way that perfectly reconfirms my political ideology. To the newspaper website comments sections!
 
2012-07-20 11:40:24 PM  
This is so true it's not even funny. It tells something when an article from a satirical comedy tells more insight than any big 24h media.
 
2012-07-20 11:41:29 PM  
Eh, the Onion article needs to address the coming facebook likes and shares and and tweets during the event
 
2012-07-20 11:43:37 PM  

NickelP: Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.

Seems reasonable to me.


This
 
2012-07-20 11:43:58 PM  

Mark Ratner: How long do we have to wait for metal detectors and pat downs at the movie theater?


Old and Busted: Body scanners and pat-downs
New Hotness: Genia scanners
 
2012-07-20 11:44:31 PM  

NickelP: Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.

Seems reasonable to me.


As long as they still allow real weapons, I'm okay with this.
 
2012-07-20 11:45:19 PM  

MisterTweak: only skimmed the article so can someone tell me when the massive outcry for theater safety will start, and what time it ends? (I'm guessing 5-10 minutes after someone points out that a ticket will go up 50 cents..)


God help the poor dumb bastard who attempts to sneak in through the back door of the theater for a free show. He'll get mob-murdered and we'll have a week of cable news segments on the "Heroes of the Cineplex."
 
2012-07-20 11:46:09 PM  

Britney Spear's Speculum: Eh, the Onion article needs to address the coming facebook likes and shares and and tweets during the event


Instead of pointless likes and tweets, maybe give some money. It'll actually do something good: Link
 
2012-07-20 11:47:49 PM  

MrHappyRotter: NickelP: Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.

Seems reasonable to me.

As long as they still allow real weapons, I'm okay with this.


Chris Rock said it best: "Don't go to parties with metal detectors. Sure, it's safe inside, but what about those motherf*ckers waitin' outside with guns? They know you ain't got one."
 
2012-07-20 11:48:03 PM  

rohar: Britney Spear's Speculum: Eh, the Onion article needs to address the coming facebook likes and shares and and tweets during the event

Instead of pointless likes and tweets, maybe give some money. It'll actually do something good: Link


Donny, you're out of your element.
 
2012-07-20 11:48:05 PM  
Everyday The Onion gets less and less satirical, and it's completely unintentional.
 
2012-07-20 11:49:58 PM  

BigJake: Hey, everyone who's spamming that ribbon-with-Batman-silhouette on Facebook. Knock it the fark off, there is nothing tackier and stupider


This and so much this
 
2012-07-20 11:50:12 PM  
The nation's citizens also confirmed that, any time now, some religious figure or cable news personality will say something unbelievably insensitive about the tragic shooting

Anyone monitoring the 700 Club?
 
2012-07-20 11:50:36 PM  
Oh, I get it. I try to be the Joker about all this, and I bomb. People think I'm just shooting myself in the foot, and a terrible person.

The Onion does it, and it's all a gas. You people just blow up with how good it is.

Damn you, double standards!
 
2012-07-20 11:52:05 PM  
encrypted-tbn1.google.com

That's not funny...
 
2012-07-20 11:53:52 PM  
The subject legally purchased four guns in the last 60 days at two different chain stores. He also purchased 6,000 rounds of various ammunition on the internet in addition to multiple magazines for the assault rifle, including a 100-round drum magazine.

you'd think that the ATF would have a red flag pop up if someone started rapidly loading up like this but no they can't. Thanks NRA
 
2012-07-20 11:54:04 PM  
Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken didn't care, it was just as lonely as before.
 
2012-07-20 11:54:25 PM  

Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.


LOL even though the guy went through the side exits right? They'll probably only have them on the entrances.
 
2012-07-20 11:54:29 PM  

NickelP: Seems reasonable to me.


It's not. It's letting him win.
 
2012-07-20 11:55:25 PM  
Having a short memory is a blessing and a curse. We don't have thousand year old blood feuds which influence regional politics for generations, like the Old World. However, we also seem to be incapable of learning from our dumb mistakes, and are always caught by surprise when something truly horrible happens.
 
2012-07-20 11:56:34 PM  
Hobodeluxe: The subject legally purchased four guns in the last 60 days at two different chain stores. He also purchased 6,000 rounds of various ammunition on the internet in addition to multiple magazines for the assault rifle, including a 100-round drum magazine.

you'd think that the ATF would have a red flag pop up if someone started rapidly loading up like this but no they can't. Thanks NRA


Of course not! That'd be one step closer towards letting the UN-Obama-Illuminati conspiracy get our guns!

Genju: Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.

LOL even though the guy went through the side exits right? They'll probably only have them on the entrances.


He went in the theatre as a normal patron. He then exited through the fire escape, propped it open so it wouldn't lock him out, loaded up for bear, and went back in to kill people. Nothing they do will prevent that from happening.
 
2012-07-20 11:57:42 PM  
You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying!

If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan". But when I say that one little movie theater will be shot up, well then everyone loses their minds!
 
2012-07-20 11:59:01 PM  
Did you hear The Dark Knight was a comedy? Yeah, it had people rolling in the aisles.
 
2012-07-20 11:59:55 PM  
It could have happened anywhere, at any time. There are 300 million people in this country, at any given time, at least one crack pot is planning is big scene for all to see. It's just the way it is. There's no politics that can stop this, there's no laws that can fix this, nothing can fix this. We can set up a utopia with a 100% employment rate, full access to preventative medical coverage (mental and physical), and a place where everyone actually lives their dreams...the fact of the matter is this shiat will still happen.

We can live in fear or we can live.

/there's nothing to see here, move along
 
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