Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(The Onion)   Sadly, Nation Knows Exactly How Colorado Shooting's Aftermath Will Play Out   (theonion.com) divider line 287
    More: Obvious, Colorado Shooting, Colorado  
•       •       •

24321 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Jul 2012 at 11:35 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



287 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | » | Last | Show all
 
2012-07-21 12:25:07 AM  
As I said before, I find it hard to believe that anyone who has lived in the United States for more than five minutes would be surprised that occasionally murderous gunfire breaks out from time to time. This is the dark, seamy underbelly of bootstrappiness and freedums. We're a nation besotted with the Wild West.

Not saying it's bad, I'm basically saying if people want to have their guns and machismo, they'll have to eat it, too. And technically, there's a larger chance you'll get hit by lightning than by a rampaging gunman at the movies, even with costumes, fake guns and masks.
 
2012-07-21 12:26:15 AM  

Aloy: FTA: "Oh, and here's another thing I hate I know," Brennen continued, "In exactly two weeks this will all be over and it will be like it never happened."

There's some wishful thinking, and the only thing that isn't true. This will drag on FOREVER, and is big enough to declare that this summer is officially Zimmerman/bath salts/Aurora summer. He didn't even have the kindness to shoot himself either, so now we're going to have to hear whatever crazy shiat he wants to spew, like the Norway killer.

/Seriously, WTF is it with Colorado people?


Hey this dick was a San Diego transplant. Don't lump him in with us. We do have a ton of derp in the form of mountain red necks and the colorado springs conservitards but this dick was not one of us.
 
2012-07-21 12:26:18 AM  

amd1433: By the way, happy Moon Landing Day for anybody wanting to remember something positive about humanity.


Approves.
 
2012-07-21 12:29:08 AM  
I was shaking my head over this article.

90-odd people die every day from car accidents, and I'll bet these folks still drive. 12 die in a movie theater and that means they're too unsafe.
 
2012-07-21 12:29:51 AM  
amd1433: The Onion forgot the part where screenings and press junkets are canceled for fear of similar attacks, and any movie with a scene remotely resembling a similar massacre is pulled immediately until the aforementioned waiting period where everything is forgotten expires.

By the way, happy Moon Landing Day for anybody wanting to remember something positive about humanity.

[www.nasa.gov image 275x248]


Hahah, you believe we actually walked on the moon. Don't you know the radiation in space would instantly kill us! Keep being fooled by the Illuminati Reptillian overlords, fool. Everyone who isn't a sheeple knows the TRUTH.


/sadly, people actually believe this.
//BUZZ ALDRIN PUNCH! - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wcrkxOgzhU
 
2012-07-21 12:30:16 AM  
On the upside, I haven't seen a lot of people buying into the blamestorming that various media outlets and pundits have been pushing.

Whether it's blaming video games, moral decay, political extremism, religion, guns, or other scapegoats the general response I've seen has mostly been a big "FARK YOU" aimed right back at the BS peddlers.
 
2012-07-21 12:31:39 AM  

Indubitably: Indubitably: MacWizard: EngineerAU: Lsherm: Well, it took them all of four hours to figure out what his middle name was. The first reports didn't have it, but sure enough every story today has it.

Wonder if that'll stick. Use of a middle name in media reports and eventually history books tends to be reserved for serial killers rather than mass murderers.

And assassins.

Be afraid, very afraid.

;)

P.S. Love works, and violence does not; what else do you need to know? That is it.


What about violent love?
 
2012-07-21 12:33:42 AM  
It's almost like mass shootings happen nearly regularly in this country for some completely preventable reason.
 
2012-07-21 12:34:22 AM  
When will Michael Moore be back in Colorado doing his next breathless documentary?
 
2012-07-21 12:34:52 AM  

theorellior: As I said before, I find it hard to believe that anyone who has lived in the United States for more than five minutes would be surprised that occasionally murderous gunfire breaks out from time to time. This is the dark, seamy underbelly of bootstrappiness and freedums. We're a nation besotted with the Wild West.

Not saying it's bad, I'm basically saying if people want to have their guns and machismo, they'll have to eat it, too. And technically, there's a larger chance you'll someone will get hit by lightning than by a rampaging gunman at the movies, even with costumes, fake guns and masks.


FTFY

Sorry I don't go to the movies, just play around in lightning storms.

Chance of being hit by lightning: >0:1

Chance of being shot in a movie theatre: 0
 
2012-07-21 12:35:05 AM  
This was a tragedy but theres 150+ countries that have it worse off
this was nothing compared to their hardships
 
2012-07-21 12:35:29 AM  
Additionally, sources nationwide took no pleasure in confirming that some sort of video recording, written material, or disturbing photographs made by the shooter will be surfacing in about an hour or two.

Check:

i.huffpost.com
 
2012-07-21 12:37:08 AM  
Yeah, we really don't need the Onion weighing in on this.

Fark them, those jerks.
 
2012-07-21 12:39:34 AM  
When I heard there was a story about J. Holmes shooting a load at a theater, I assumed it was about Fred Willard.
 
2012-07-21 12:41:05 AM  

GAT_00: It's almost like mass shootings happen nearly regularly in this country for some completely preventable reason.


Make the bullets cost $5,000 a piece?

/Chris Rock
//6,000 rounds of ammo bought in 2 months
///shakes head
 
2012-07-21 12:41:13 AM  

amd1433: The Onion forgot the part where screenings and press junkets are canceled for fear of similar attacks, and any movie with a scene remotely resembling a similar massacre is pulled immediately until the aforementioned waiting period where everything is forgotten expires.

By the way, happy Moon Landing Day for anybody wanting to remember something positive about humanity.

[www.nasa.gov image 275x248]


Nice Boat.
 
2012-07-21 12:41:21 AM  
They had a good idea with this one but needed to take it a step further to be amusing.

Observation: There's a very predictable cycle afterward with these types of events.

They pretty much just repeated their observation without twisting it into something funny.
 
2012-07-21 12:43:33 AM  

BronyMedic: Hobodeluxe: The subject legally purchased four guns in the last 60 days at two different chain stores. He also purchased 6,000 rounds of various ammunition on the internet in addition to multiple magazines for the assault rifle, including a 100-round drum magazine.

you'd think that the ATF would have a red flag pop up if someone started rapidly loading up like this but no they can't. Thanks NRA

Of course not! That'd be one step closer towards letting the UN-Obama-Illuminati conspiracy get our guns!

Genju: Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.

LOL even though the guy went through the side exits right? They'll probably only have them on the entrances.

He went in the theatre as a normal patron. He then exited through the fire escape, propped it open so it wouldn't lock him out, loaded up for bear, and went back in to kill people. Nothing they do will prevent that from happening.


Actually if the door set off an alarm if it was propped open too long someone would have checked on it and closed it. We have them at work lets off a high squeal. In a theater that would definately get someone's attention.
 
2012-07-21 12:45:28 AM  

Wayne 985: I was shaking my head over this article.

90-odd people die every day from car accidents, and I'll bet these folks still drive. 12 die in a movie theater and that means they're too unsafe.


To be fair, most individual car accidents don't have a dozen fatalities and over fifty people injured. And the few that do have that many casualties are generally not deliberately caused by some guy who was probably butthurt that he couldn't get laid in med school.

/I am not sure of what the shooter's motive was or even if he had one; I'm just speculating
//it's not entirely an ass-pull on my part, since it's the reason that other guy shot up Virginia Tech
 
2012-07-21 12:46:55 AM  
With scalpel-like precision, the American populace then went on to predict, to the minute, how long it will take for the media to swarm Aurora, CO, how long it will take for them to leave, and exactly when questions will be raised as to whether or not violence in movies and video games had something to do with the act

Interviewing people on the street, as if simply being a resident of Aurora, CO somehow makes your reaction relevant or informative. Never mind it's only a reaction to hearing the same news that we heard. "My sister works in the same building as someone who was in the theater who survived, so it struck us pretty close to home, I mean, that could have just as easily been my sister. Or me."
 
2012-07-21 12:47:10 AM  

BronyMedic: He went in the theatre as a normal patron. He then exited through the fire escape, propped it open so it wouldn't lock him out, loaded up for bear, and went back in to kill people. Nothing they do will prevent that from happening.


Calls to lock fire exists so this can't happen again expected....
 
2012-07-21 12:47:12 AM  
Who will counsel the grief counselors?
 
2012-07-21 12:51:03 AM  

simplicimus: Contrabulous Flabtraption: Sad and completely accurate

Sadly, we all know the drill by now, what happens after a tragedy.


yeah, it's just like a game of russian roulette or Japanese roulette where the only questions are when, where, who and how of the event itself, and waiting to wait for the full picture to come together piece by piece.

It's sounding sort of like the norwegian guy, except he failed to set off his distraction. This guy's loud music didn't get the cops called, which he banked on to set off his apartment bomb and distract while he went shooting. Protip: get a burner phone and call in the complaint yourself in situations like this.
 
2012-07-21 12:52:25 AM  
Strange thing, the media. When I was growing up, the Challenger explosion (1986) was a defining, Kennedy-type moment. Everyone remembers the circumstances - where they were, even what they were wearing.

Obviously this was the case with 9/11. On a more personal level, Katrina. And those are pretty much the stories that have defined my life, inasmuch as I remember even the smell of the room I was in when it went down. And

But now? What national tragedy do I pick? EVERYTHING is a farking NATIONAL tragedy with 24 straight hours of 'coverage,' interrupted sporadically by 45 seconds of hundreds of people dying in some other country we can't be arsed to care about (also five minutes of commercials). Not so long ago, people died all the time and we weren't spoon fed about it.

The single most depressing thing about the United States is our TV media. It truly is the root of damn near all our problems. Politics are hopelessly dramatized, serious crime is given weight based upon how appealing the victim is, and we're all worked into a frenzy about every goddamned thing - and if not we'll sex it up until we are sufficiently shocked or outraged.

America, you used to be cool.
 
2012-07-21 12:52:43 AM  
...by 1:30 p.m. tomorrow the issue will have been politicized.

Wow, talk about an overestimate.
 
2012-07-21 12:54:52 AM  

Walker: Knee jerk reactions left and right are already happening. AMC says no more costumes, masks, or fake weapons allowed. And people are saying they want metal detectors and nude scanners at theaters. Good thing I hardly go to the movies. This will make me go even less if they start searching me every time I walk thru the door. Crazy people are everywhere. If they want to hurt you they will. There's no amount of preventative measures that will prevent it. You could be caring a gun, but they can still shoot you in the back of the head without warning. Life comes with risk. If you don't want to take the risk seal yourself in a bunker.


Please, let the war on cosplay fanboys end before it begins! What would a con BE without Master Chief with an Assault Rifle?

I actually feel sorry for the studio here. This is definitely gonna put a damper on the release, and while studios are kinda evil, they didn't do anything to deserve this. $250M invested and a whole lot of work by a lot of people and there's no telling what kind of future it has now.
 
2012-07-21 12:54:57 AM  
the article also forgot, of the tacky digital remembrances

i.imgur.com

i.imgur.com

i.imgur.com
 
2012-07-21 12:55:42 AM  

stuffer: simplicimus: Contrabulous Flabtraption: Sad and completely accurate

Sadly, we all know the drill by now, what happens after a tragedy.

yeah, it's just like a game of russian roulette or Japanese roulette where the only questions are when, where, who and how of the event itself, and waiting to wait for the full picture to come together piece by piece.

It's sounding sort of like the norwegian guy, except he failed to set off his distraction. This guy's loud music didn't get the cops called, which he banked on to set off his apartment bomb and distract while he went shooting. Protip: get a burner phone and call in the complaint yourself in situations like this.


There was a 911 call to the cops about the music. Some poor neighboor almost went in when she noticed the door was unlocked.
 
2012-07-21 12:56:18 AM  
img259.imageshack.us

O HAI GUISE! WAT IZ GOING ON IN DIS THREAD?

/pass the bath salts, plz
 
2012-07-21 12:57:57 AM  

invictus2: the article also forgot, of the tacky digital remembrances

[i.imgur.com image 600x800]

[i.imgur.com image 540x720]

[i.imgur.com image 720x720]


permaban the facebook accounts of anyone who posts those imo
 
2012-07-21 01:00:06 AM  
Sadly when I heard about this all I could think was violence has detached itself from sanity. School shooters ostensibly have been picked on or have some other grudge, Same goes with workplace violence. What did this guy have against movie theater patrons?

/The Onions article only makes me sad because it makes nonsense of a tragedy so soon.
 
2012-07-21 01:01:42 AM  

King Something: Wayne 985: I was shaking my head over this article.

90-odd people die every day from car accidents, and I'll bet these folks still drive. 12 die in a movie theater and that means they're too unsafe.

To be fair, most individual car accidents don't have a dozen fatalities and over fifty people injured. And the few that do have that many casualties are generally not deliberately caused by some guy who was probably butthurt that he couldn't get laid in med school.

/I am not sure of what the shooter's motive was or even if he had one; I'm just speculating
//it's not entirely an ass-pull on my part, since it's the reason that other guy shot up Virginia Tech


Understood, but you've gotta keep in mind that what you're describing is sensationalism. I'm statistically more likely to be killed driving in to work tomorrow than I am watching a movie in a theater, but it's the sensationalism that is preventing other people from understanding that and behaving rationally.

Common sense precautions are one thing (not allowing masks or bags in a theater, keeping alert, etc), but it's silly to lock oneself away from life.
 
2012-07-21 01:02:39 AM  

BarkingUnicorn: For once, The Onion isn't amusing.


Agree. Not even close to being funny.

/Too soon?
//No the Onion sucks right now.
 
2012-07-21 01:03:47 AM  
I sense that most of this article was written years ago with Madlib type blanks.
 
2012-07-21 01:03:53 AM  

RanDomino: Did you hear The Dark Knight was a comedy? Yeah, it had people rolling in the aisles.


Thank you for writing Leno's material for him for the night.
 
2012-07-21 01:04:33 AM  
img31.imageshack.us
 
2012-07-21 01:06:06 AM  

CreepyBasementGuy: BarkingUnicorn: For once, The Onion isn't amusing.

Agree. Not even close to being funny.

/Too soon?
//No the Onion sucks right now.


For being right? The Onion sucks? Or is America frkked?

The Onion...Spot on here. And it's goddam tragic that they are.
 
2012-07-21 01:10:19 AM  

GAT_00: It's almost like mass shootings happen nearly regularly in this country for some completely preventable reason.


• July 20, 2012 Aurora, CO (12+ dead)
• July 20, 2012 Utoya, Norway (80 dead)
• Nov. 5, 2009 Ft, TX (13 dead)
• April 30, 2009 Baku, Azerbaijan (12 dead)
• March 10, 2009 Alabama (28 dead)
• Sept. 23, 2008 Kauhajoki, Finland (10 dead)
• Nov. 7, 2007 Tuusula, Finland (8 dead)
• April 16, 2007 VA Tech, Blacksburg, Va (32 dead)
• April 26, 2002 Erfut, Germany (13 dead)
• April 20, 1999 Litton, CO (12 dead)
• April 28, 1996 Tasmania, Australia (20 dead)
• March 13, 1996 Dunblane, Scotland (43 dead)
• Oct. 16, 1991 Killeen Texas (23 dead)
• June 18, 1990 Jacksonville, Fl (10 dead)

United States has a little over 5 people killed in this kind of mass shooting per year.

You are more likely to be killed falling out of your farking bed (450 people/year) than you are of being killed in a massacre by some crackpot(s) with guns. It seems really scary and important, but in the bigger picture, it's not.
 
2012-07-21 01:13:06 AM  
Can't wait til some guy drives across the country and erects wooden crosses for the victims so we can make a family trip of walking past them.
 
2012-07-21 01:13:38 AM  

Renowned transvestite sexologist: GAT_00: It's almost like mass shootings happen nearly regularly in this country for some completely preventable reason.

• July 20, 2012 Aurora, CO (12+ dead)
• July 20, 2012 Utoya, Norway (80 dead)
• Nov. 5, 2009 Ft, TX (13 dead)
• April 30, 2009 Baku, Azerbaijan (12 dead)
• March 10, 2009 Alabama (28 dead)
• Sept. 23, 2008 Kauhajoki, Finland (10 dead)
• Nov. 7, 2007 Tuusula, Finland (8 dead)
• April 16, 2007 VA Tech, Blacksburg, Va (32 dead)
• April 26, 2002 Erfut, Germany (13 dead)
• April 20, 1999 Litton, CO (12 dead)
• April 28, 1996 Tasmania, Australia (20 dead)
• March 13, 1996 Dunblane, Scotland (43 dead)
• Oct. 16, 1991 Killeen Texas (23 dead)
• June 18, 1990 Jacksonville, Fl (10 dead)

United States has a little over 5 people killed in this kind of mass shooting per year.

You are more likely to be killed falling out of your farking bed (450 people/year) than you are of being killed in a massacre by some crackpot(s) with guns. It seems really scary and important, but in the bigger picture, it's not.


Oh...fark you

images2.dailykos.com
 
2012-07-21 01:14:42 AM  

elguerodiablo: stuffer: simplicimus: Contrabulous Flabtraption: Sad and completely accurate

Sadly, we all know the drill by now, what happens after a tragedy.

yeah, it's just like a game of russian roulette or Japanese roulette where the only questions are when, where, who and how of the event itself, and waiting to wait for the full picture to come together piece by piece.

It's sounding sort of like the norwegian guy, except he failed to set off his distraction. This guy's loud music didn't get the cops called, which he banked on to set off his apartment bomb and distract while he went shooting. Protip: get a burner phone and call in the complaint yourself in situations like this.

There was a 911 call to the cops about the music. Some poor neighboor almost went in when she noticed the door was unlocked.


I guess the protip then would be to just put a bomb on a timer for your distraction. call the cops and try and get them there if you want to try and blow them up, but good distraction either way.
 
2012-07-21 01:17:00 AM  

PanicMan: rohar: I keep seeing this term used. Looks like lots of you haven't been to a theater out in fly over country recently. Almost all theaters have exit only doors next to the screens. They're not alarmed. They're there to allow the patrons to exit the theater quickly rather than everyone try and go back out the entrance at once creating a queue.

They're there for fire safety. To save lives. Is that ironic? I don't even know anymore.


Well they probably did end up saving lives since they provided options for exit other than the entrance from the lobby.

I'm just guessing here, but I'm sure they're also not specifically "emergency" doors. They're certainly there for exit in case of emergency, but they're probably you standard additional exit doors that most theaters have that dump you out right to the parking lot. And because of that, they aren't alarmed.
 
2012-07-21 01:20:50 AM  
i.imgur.com
 
2012-07-21 01:21:23 AM  
There is still a slight difference between this and the others. Normally the shooter's name is on the last bullet fired. The fact that the "suspect" is still alive, means there are a few new variables.
 
2012-07-21 01:22:09 AM  

stuffer: elguerodiablo: stuffer: simplicimus: Contrabulous Flabtraption: Sad and completely accurate

Sadly, we all know the drill by now, what happens after a tragedy.

yeah, it's just like a game of russian roulette or Japanese roulette where the only questions are when, where, who and how of the event itself, and waiting to wait for the full picture to come together piece by piece.

It's sounding sort of like the norwegian guy, except he failed to set off his distraction. This guy's loud music didn't get the cops called, which he banked on to set off his apartment bomb and distract while he went shooting. Protip: get a burner phone and call in the complaint yourself in situations like this.

There was a 911 call to the cops about the music. Some poor neighboor almost went in when she noticed the door was unlocked.

I guess the protip then would be to just put a bomb on a timer for your distraction. call the cops and try and get them there if you want to try and blow them up, but good distraction either way.


Well as long as we get a good protip oit of this we all win.
 
2012-07-21 01:24:34 AM  

Renowned transvestite sexologist: United States has a little over 5 people killed in this kind of mass shooting per year.


Well that's OK then!
 
2012-07-21 01:25:44 AM  

RanDomino: Did you hear The Dark Knight was a comedy? Yeah, it had people rolling in the aisles.


I was laughing like crazy at this.
 
2012-07-21 01:25:47 AM  

babtras: There is still a slight difference between this and the others. Normally the shooter's name is on the last bullet fired. The fact that the "suspect" is still alive, means there are a few new variables.


I'm not looking forward to the media being inundated by the trial. Granted I don't watch the cable "news" networks because of that sorta thing.
 
2012-07-21 01:30:47 AM  

GAT_00: Renowned transvestite sexologist: United States has a little over 5 people killed in this kind of mass shooting per year.

Well that's OK then!


By that reasoning, 9/11 was just a statistical anomaly. No reason for concern.
 
2012-07-21 01:36:43 AM  

whatshisname: GAT_00: Renowned transvestite sexologist: United States has a little over 5 people killed in this kind of mass shooting per year.

Well that's OK then!

By that reasoning, 9/11 was just a statistical anomaly. No reason for concern.


Yeah I mean how long has it been since the last Al-Qaeda attack on U.S. soil? Oh there hasn't been once since the first attack almost 11 years ago? Well obviously Homeland Security is doing their job. Exactly mofos!
 
Displayed 50 of 287 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
Advertisement
On Twitter





In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report