If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Fark)   If you could go back in time and change any one thing in history, what would it be?   (fark.com) divider line 414
    More: Unlikely  
•       •       •

3008 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Jul 2012 at 3:10 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



414 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | » | Last | Show all
 
2012-07-14 07:51:33 AM  

Evil Twin Skippy: Yah, we'd simply remember Freddie Kahn instead. While there is a certain amount to be said for individual initiative, history is made by being the right person in the right place, at the right time. And there are always a lot of candidates for the right person. Particularly conquerors.


ecx.images-amazon.com
Link

/very entertaining read
 
2012-07-14 07:52:29 AM  

PacManDreaming: namatad: Kill Abraham and end the 3 religions before they even start.
TADA
No more genocides.

Thank you, Mario, but your fallacy is in another castle.


Stalin? Trained in a seminary. And the Great Purge had a little help from their good Christian neighbors to the west. OKW disinformation jackpot ftw.
 
2012-07-14 07:55:47 AM  

PunGent: PacManDreaming: namatad: Kill Abraham and end the 3 religions before they even start.
TADA
No more genocides.

Oops, try again.

Eh, he might still be on to something. Communism flourished in Russia due to the feudal circumstances propped up by the Orthodox Church, and then spread to a China that had been kept in a similar condition with the help of good Christian opium cartels. Read up on the Opium Wars sometime.


Communism 'flourished' in Russia was not due to feuadalism. The Czar and his entire family were captured and then slaughtered by communists. Communism and feudalism are two completely different things.
 
2012-07-14 07:56:08 AM  
http://www.fark.com/comments/2765382/Fark-redesign-notes-updates-from - Drew

Hi folks

Got a few emails on the redesign, several were helpful in nailing down some major design issues. We're still making changes, feel free to post suggestions in this thread.

To answer the main question I've been receiving: We will not be returning to the old Fark layout. That is off the table. We will however be working hard on this one to get it right.

Why the redesign? Websites have to evolve over time. Otherwise you end up with a layout anachronism like the Drudge Report. The old design was put into place years ago, over time changes were nailed on to the design like loose shingles on a leaky roof. It was time to reformat and remove a bunch of the clutter while trying to keep the core design intact. Many of you have noted that by shifting all of the ads to the right side of the page it makes them easier to ignore. Why yes, it does, ads are not the focus of our site. Attentive readers will see what we just did there.

Contrary to opinion we did consult with a subset of the readership, specifically in the PSAE forum and the TotalFark forum. There was unfortunately no way to contact everyone and procure opinions. The good news is we're still listening and making changes, so not to worry. Keep the comments coming.

In the meantime don't panic, there's nothing that can't be fixed.

In other news, Jeff posted a comment in the redesign thread that got people up in arms. My apologies for Jeff's comments. He was trying to defend Mike's hard work and effort that went into the redesign and got a little hot under the collar. That was uncalled-for and I have told him so. Jeff's views do not reflect the views of the site, we intend to work with the community going forward to fix issues like comment readability, contest formats, and so on. He submitted this apology to the readership:

"I'm sorry that I let the negative comments affect me as much as they did. I reacted too strongly with a snarky comment of my own. I shouldn't have done that. Don't take what I have said as a feeling that anyone on the back end of Fark also feels."

In the meantime, Jeff will be taking an extended break from modding/admining Fark

PS if for some reason this thread gets blown out of the water with response and starts dragging down the dbase like what happened last night we'll be closing it and probably openning another one.
 
2012-07-14 07:56:22 AM  

hng: middleoftheday: Undo the Louisiana Purchase for the lulz

and think of the money we would've saved on Katrina.


If there is a hell, I hope you go.
 
2012-07-14 07:57:29 AM  
New Coke
 
2012-07-14 07:58:21 AM  
Kill either Arron Spelling or that chick that took over SciFI
 
2012-07-14 07:59:46 AM  

we'refromthesamestory:

So they didn't force everyone to be farmers while they gained from their work using the fear of god to keep things the way they were for around one thousand years?

Good to know.


You do realize the church is what eventually wrestled the power away from dynastic monarchies right? People were always some rich warlords biatch since the beginning of time, it wasnt until we gave churches more power than Kings that we were able to break out of that.

So you should probably be thanking them.
 
2012-07-14 08:00:29 AM  

Shmopee: 3:30 a.m. where I R @. Drunky big-big so whole thread tl;dr so might be repeating, but that won't stop me from sharing my two cents:

Stop the library in Alexandria from being torched.

One and done. G'night bishes.


Dammit. That was mine. I'd also stop Hypatia from being flayed alive... And then flay her with something else if you know what I
Mean penis.
 
2012-07-14 08:01:53 AM  

Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo: I'd go back to around 100 A.D. and give the Romans steam power. It would spark an industrial revolution that would hopefully turn back the dark ages.


The Romans HAD steam power. Guess which church thought it was frivolous and delayed the Industrial Revolution by centuries?
 
2012-07-14 08:03:16 AM  
Find the person most responsible for the tattoo craze and stop them.
 
2012-07-14 08:04:19 AM  

Great Janitor: C-3PO: A golden, 24' tall robotic dinosaur covered in laser cannons, missile launchers, not gay or annoying
R2-D2: Female android, mostly naked, rides on top of C-3PO, chained around her neck to the neck of C-3PO.
Darth Vader: WAS NEVER called Annie in his life. Originally, before Darth Vader, he was named William.


I will donate to your time machine's Kickstarter fund...
 
2012-07-14 08:05:18 AM  

doglover: we'refromthesamestory: doglover: wizden: we'refromthesamestory: wizden: xanadian: wizden: Oddly it also preserved the written word and eventually.. BAM. Thomas Aquinas.

I get the feeling the written word would've survived just fine without the bible and the church...

The monasteries of the time represented the vast majority of people who could actually read and write. It was pretty rare.

Oppression does that...

Goddammit learn to history.

Leave him wizen. The irony of how he clutches at his ignorance with an vice like grip and yet claims to be enlightened is making chuckle. I need a good chuckle.

Basically the Dark Ages are a myth. The order brought by stable government changed, economics rose and fell, but overall there's steady progress in the sciences and arts throughout history. The "Renaissance" wasn't actually much of a leap in anything. It was just the rose bud finally opening after years of the roots and branches growing slow and steady.

And as for literature and literacy, that was an aristocratic art and the main guardians were in fact the monks at monasteries, who spent their lives preserving fragile books by faithfully copying them again and again and again. Without such people, entire epochs would be lost to us.


Most of the progress at that time was being brought over from China by the Arabs, with the major exception being the waterwheel, a Roman invention preserved by monks. Wizden had said he'd stop the plague, but I'd argue it actually helped a great deal. For one, everyone suddenly had more money. The lower classes started buying linen, which became so cheap as to be somewhat disposable. The guy who used to go around collecting bones from people started collecting old linen so it could be mashed down in pulp (powered by the waterwheel), which made paper cheap. Problem was the plague killed off many of the trained people around. Educated became expensive while paper became cheap. Gutenberg modified the same press used to make linen paper (and previously wine) to make his printing press. His press made knowledge cheap and widely available. Within 50 years of Gutenberg's invention 20 million books had been printed.

If you have a love for history like me, check out James Burke's "Connections" (it was made in the 70's) and "The Day the Universe Changed". Especially check out this episode, where he shows how the waterwheel, women's (linen) underwear, and cloth making directly led to the modern computer. Also talks about how it was the church that preserved knowledge and communication in a post Roman fractured Europe. Funny how they later went to such lengths to suppress it.
 
2012-07-14 08:07:47 AM  
Abort Purelilac's mom.

Seriously though, I like some of my U.S. of A. culture, and wouldn't want to wake up in a 21st century where the heretics who don't believe in the Great Slobbering Yam are left in the desert covered in honey mustard for the scorpions to nosh on. Go read The Man Who Folded Himself for some additional insight.

Since I can only change one thing, I'm seriously pondering dropping a shiat ton of mines (self destructing after X years - X to be determined by people smarter than me who can figure out the consequences) all along the south Atlantic covering the slave trade route of the trade triangle.

It's going to cost innocent lives, but if we can somehow remove the taint of human slavery from U.S. history, I'd like to think there would be some positive consequences.

At the very least: No farking Civil War. Yeah, ok, Calhoun might still have been born, but it's kind of hard to get people that excited over a tariff versus getting them excited about losing their slaves or sources of new slaves.

I've had about 4 hours of sleep, so not going to be brilliant here, or even very linear. At one point though, I came up with a decent chain of events which went as follows. Smarter people can fill in the blanks or laugh at me, as desired.

No Civil War ::= No Great Depression (Big leap there, I know) ::= Reduced WWI ::= No Versailles ::= No WWII ::= No Hiroshima/Nagasaki

Additionally, somewhere in there, some bright boys would have eventually figured out how to make atomic power plants, and maybe held off on figuring out how to make an A-Bomb for a few more decades.

Anyway, I'm blathering, and I'm not sure how stable this house of cards I'm building is, so instead:

Abort Purelilac's mom.
 
2012-07-14 08:10:44 AM  
I would cause more magnetic monopoles and interesting spatial topological defects to be left over during the Big Bang's creation of the universe.
 
2012-07-14 08:12:03 AM  

Harry_Seldon: Go back in time, and play with Annette Funicello's breasts.


While she's hiding from the Nazis? You sick bastard...
 
2012-07-14 08:16:04 AM  
Make myself to go college instead of the Marines.

Then be friends with Drew for some free Total Fark.
 
2012-07-14 08:16:58 AM  

we'refromthesamestory: Genocide, all of them. Ever.

/I'm including the Armenian Genocide too
///Go ahead, hate.


Abort mary. There goes alotta unnecessary killing
 
2012-07-14 08:17:33 AM  

JakeStone: Abort Purelilac's mom.

Seriously though, I like some of my U.S. of A. culture, and wouldn't want to wake up in a 21st century where the heretics who don't believe in the Great Slobbering Yam are left in the desert covered in honey mustard for the scorpions to nosh on. Go read The Man Who Folded Himself for some additional insight.

Since I can only change one thing, I'm seriously pondering dropping a shiat ton of mines (self destructing after X years - X to be determined by people smarter than me who can figure out the consequences) all along the south Atlantic covering the slave trade route of the trade triangle.

It's going to cost innocent lives, but if we can somehow remove the taint of human slavery from U.S. history, I'd like to think there would be some positive consequences.

At the very least: No farking Civil War. Yeah, ok, Calhoun might still have been born, but it's kind of hard to get people that excited over a tariff versus getting them excited about losing their slaves or sources of new slaves.

I've had about 4 hours of sleep, so not going to be brilliant here, or even very linear. At one point though, I came up with a decent chain of events which went as follows. Smarter people can fill in the blanks or laugh at me, as desired.

No Civil War ::= No Great Depression (Big leap there, I know) ::= Reduced WWI ::= No Versailles ::= No WWII ::= No Hiroshima/Nagasaki

Additionally, somewhere in there, some bright boys would have eventually figured out how to make atomic power plants, and maybe held off on figuring out how to make an A-Bomb for a few more decades.

Anyway, I'm blathering, and I'm not sure how stable this house of cards I'm building is, so instead:

Abort Purelilac's mom.


Crack is whack
 
2012-07-14 08:18:36 AM  
The addition of these sorts of polls to the main page.
 
2012-07-14 08:20:42 AM  
Prevent this thread going green.

/ and fix bush v gore /
 
2012-07-14 08:27:36 AM  

wildcardjack:
Introduce the idea of movable type at the Library of Alexandria 100BC. And coptic binding.


How about saving the library from destruction and its curator Hypatia from her murder by the order from the Catholic bishop Cyril (who later became a saint).

Or stop the Crusades.

Or somehow stop the European Dark Ages.

memearchive.net
 
2012-07-14 08:28:00 AM  

la_cyberchicana: I have no idea how I'd accomplish this, so a time machine wouldn't do me much good, but ... I'd go back to about 1900, and try to get all humans da fuq out of central Africa. Just leave it to the apes and monkeys. Leave that fetid incubator of viruses like Ebola and HIV to fester in peace. Build no highways into it, develop no farms, mine no minerals. Leave it alone. I'd even suggest napalming and/or Agent Orange'ing it into oblivion, except that would probably do evil things to the world's oxygen supply, as well as Africa's environment. No AIDS, no interesting little puzzles for epidemiologists to solve that simultaneously kill millions, including two close friends of mine. Honestly, I'm not sure if barring humans from central/equatorial Africa would work as a disease suppressant, but I'd be willing to try.

And yes, I realize that half of Africa's problems are the result of outsiders attempting to impose their will on its inhabitants, through the slave trade, through colonization, and through the manipulation of governments. I don't claim to be a genius. I'm sure that anything I could attempt would have some terrible unforeseen consequence. But is there any way, any way at all, to nip HIV/AIDS in the bud before it comes roaring through humanity?

Sorry about your friends.
However..first, you'll have to back a LOT further than 1900 to reduce contact with Africa. And, AIDS isn't even a top ten killer afa human epidemics go. Lastly, if AIDS spurs us to actually figure out viral disease...it may have a silver lining.
 
2012-07-14 08:28:00 AM  
Stop my mother from taking up smoking. Cancer is a biatch. She was a great lady, and I'll love and miss her forever.
 
2012-07-14 08:28:38 AM  
I would arm the native American tribes with present-day armaments.
 
2012-07-14 08:31:31 AM  
Tie Obama's mother's tubes.
 
2012-07-14 08:35:02 AM  

WhyteRaven74: 3rotor: ), you just had to go back far enough into time to stop him from getting into a situation with a Shop-owner,

Even better, keep the Allies from imposing the insanely draconian sanctions on Germany after WW1. Without them, Germany doesn't get hyper inflation and an economy in the shiatter and a bunch of other problems, that Hitler came to power on by promising to fix them and blaming the Jews for them. Sure if you change the path of Hitler's life you stop what he did, but you don't stop Germany from being utterly buttfarked after WW1 which was itself a huge problem. And given how bad things were and previous German history there's little reason to think someone else wouldn't have shown up who'd have been no more desirable than Hitler. One could argue that if Germany hadn't be so screwed by sanctions there'd never be any way for Hitler to have come to power since the conditions he relied on to come to power wouldn't have existed.


Under your scenario, it is quite likely that Stalin takes Berlin AND Paris before 1950. Who's going to stop him? Italy?
 
2012-07-14 08:37:54 AM  
I would go back to 1993 and buy Joy that life-like dildo she wanted so much.
 
2012-07-14 08:38:53 AM  

FriarReb98: Find the person most responsible for the tattoo craze and stop them.


No. The more people who self-select out of the employment/advancement pool the better. Poor impulse control and lack of considering long-term consequences are not exactly marketing themselves for careers other than food carts or carnies.
 
2012-07-14 08:42:40 AM  
June 28 2001. I was bored at work so I went to the Yahoo - Yahoo being a major internet site at the time - site of the day. Typically the site of the day was good for five ten minutes of distraction but today it feature an up and coming site for weird news, Fark. If I hadn't gone to that site I'd be a rich VP now.
 
2012-07-14 08:43:05 AM  

Tyranicle: PunGent: PacManDreaming: namatad: Kill Abraham and end the 3 religions before they even start.
TADA
No more genocides.

Oops, try again.

Eh, he might still be on to something. Communism flourished in Russia due to the feudal circumstances propped up by the Orthodox Church, and then spread to a China that had been kept in a similar condition with the help of good Christian opium cartels. Read up on the Opium Wars sometime.

Communism 'flourished' in Russia was not due to feuadalism. The Czar and his entire family were captured and then slaughtered by communists. Communism and feudalism are two completely different things.


My point, I think you missed it. Yes, they ARE quite different. Communism only flourishes where the alternatives are worse...like in a feudal state where the overlords have the support of the Church. You know...like the Czar did.
 
2012-07-14 08:54:16 AM  
Convince Moses to settle in Mecca.
 
2012-07-14 08:54:26 AM  
"Mark... 2 feet to the left .She's the REAL phony ,Go ahead shoot Yoko"
 
2012-07-14 09:03:30 AM  
Teminate the baby Jesus
 
2012-07-14 09:06:53 AM  

Hermione_Granger: Slavery. In all forms The first person who thought of it would die.

I wouldn't exist (thanks white people) but that's ok. It would be worth it so no child would ever have to be a sex worker, the Hebrews would have been just another people chilling and black folks could just be another skin color.

yeah, I'd end the motherfarker who came up with slavery


Darn, you grabbed the one I wanted! :)

Okay, this time I am going to be more subtle.

First,

Jesus would change the "Sermon on the Mount" to the "Sermon on the Scientific Method."


Something like, "Do not seek the answers in the past, seek the questions for your future. For an unexamined life is not worth living, and an unexamined belief is not worth having. Satan hides his deceit as answers that may not be questioned, but all of God's truths may be questioned again and again without ever wavering. Those who demand unquestioned obedience based on ancient wisdom are fit only to lead the beasts of the field, not the sons and daughters of God..." & so on & so forth.

Second (I know the thread title said only one thing, but hey), Jesus should have given a few parables on the importance of good roads bringing people together every day of the week (infrastructure!), rather than fancy buildings to be used a few hours a week on the Sabbath. Can you imagine how different the world would be if all of the effort spent on creating fancy cathedrals had went instead into building the Vatican Way (to go with the Appian Way) stretching across Christendom, repaired, upgraded, expanded, and added to over the centuries?
 
2012-07-14 09:07:19 AM  
I'd go back and tell the god that if she's just gonna whap a coupla' handfuls o' mud together ... then, she'd damn well better stick around and look after it.
 
2012-07-14 09:08:39 AM  
Put out the fire at the Library of Alexandria and back that shiat up onto microfiche.
 
2012-07-14 09:09:19 AM  
I would kill Hilter.
 
2012-07-14 09:10:26 AM  
I shall now go for the lowest-hanging fruit:

Had I a time machine, I would go back in time such that I could be at the gymnasium not in 25 nor in 27 minutes, but in 26 minutes precisely. Because I have to be there.

/Did that work?
 
2012-07-14 09:11:30 AM  
I would have walked more slowly to the car that night thirty years ago. I would have assisted the accident victims when I arrived at the scene. And then, I would have gone home to my young wife and baby daughter.
 
2012-07-14 09:11:59 AM  
i would go back in time to the early 70s and somehow prevent bruce springsteen from ever writing the song "blinded by the light." because then manfred mann's band would never have recorded that terrible cover version, and i wouldn't have to hear that goddamn song every single night at work because the radio station we listen to only has 50 goddamn songs on its playlist. i hate that song, it's the worst song ever.

if i was unable to prevent springsteen from writing the song, then i'm afraid i would have to kill him. i know, it would be a terrible tragedy for music. but one of these days, i'm going to hear that song again and i'm gonna just snap and murder all of my coworkers. i would be killing one in order to save dozens.
 
2012-07-14 09:20:35 AM  
I would go back to last night and boink Scarlett Johansson
 
2012-07-14 09:24:12 AM  
Here's what I'd change:

Nothing.

Seriously, changing one thing makes it meaningless, since it can be changed. By extension, that means all things could be changed, and the significance of life itself becomes moot.
Anyone that goes to the past, I think will simply cease to exist through some mechanism built into the fabric of the universe, sort of like a space-temporal checksum. Yes, I think that the universe has a Reality ECC built in.
 
2012-07-14 09:24:53 AM  

Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo: Romans


Similarly, I would force China to remain a world player at the same time. Would we have nuked the planet in 980AD?
 
2012-07-14 09:36:37 AM  
Convince Obama's Dad that having 2 wives simultaneously is a bad idea.
 
2012-07-14 09:36:45 AM  
Come out to my best friend when he asked me to.
 
2012-07-14 09:40:44 AM  

PunGent: Tyranicle: PunGent: PacManDreaming: namatad: Kill Abraham and end the 3 religions before they even start.
TADA
No more genocides.

Oops, try again.

Eh, he might still be on to something. Communism flourished in Russia due to the feudal circumstances propped up by the Orthodox Church, and then spread to a China that had been kept in a similar condition with the help of good Christian opium cartels. Read up on the Opium Wars sometime.

Communism 'flourished' in Russia was not due to feuadalism. The Czar and his entire family were captured and then slaughtered by communists. Communism and feudalism are two completely different things.

My point, I think you missed it. Yes, they ARE quite different. Communism only flourishes where the alternatives are worse...like in a feudal state where the overlords have the support of the Church. You know...like the Czar did.


Yes, I understand your point. You think communism was an alternative to an oppresive feudal system, though that's not historically accurate. After all, the economy in Russia was relatively fine at the rise communism and the majority of the population were extremly loyal to the czar as well. Communism rose in Russia due to aggitation from jewish followers of Marx, who used 'prolitariats' (young white collar workers. 'Office Space' types) to do the fighting and dying so jews could live in a society free of religion and culture.
 
2012-07-14 09:41:12 AM  

Ooba Tooba: The one single solitary night i said i wouldn't go out, he took too much and died, leaving a wife, and 2yr old twin girls, and a distraught best friend. Had i went, i would have told him to slow down, and he would still be here. Had plans to raise our girls together. Beers, barbeque. Shot to shiat. Pills alcohol and coke do not a good mix make.


So very sorry, sadness, tears here.
 
2012-07-14 09:45:29 AM  
Abort Jesus
 
2012-07-14 09:47:06 AM  
unit2-pic.twittweb.com

If time travel is ever invented we would have already known about it. Or something like that.
 
Displayed 50 of 414 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report