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(Telegraph)   Honey if you won't put that stupid racy, pornographic "Fifty Shades of Grey" book down, you're going to get the brown sauce   (telegraph.co.uk) divider line 121
    More: Strange, common assault, Cumbria, Mrs Harris, Emma McCormick  
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13391 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Jul 2012 at 12:20 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-10 12:21:44 PM  
Well, the book is rather saucy anyhow.
 
2012-07-10 12:21:45 PM  
It's sad that Rick Santorum and his wife have to fight like this.
 
2012-07-10 12:21:52 PM  
That sounds so naughty... but then it's Britain.
 
2012-07-10 12:23:58 PM  
Why would you be appalled at your woman reading erotica? You know what happens after they get done?

Yes, that's right, they masturbate with a zucchini while thinking of Channing Tatum. Or something.
 
2012-07-10 12:24:12 PM  
"Brown sauce?" How does that translate in 'Merican?
 
2012-07-10 12:24:42 PM  
I don't get the popularity of that book...it's like softcore porn: with the ready availability of racier stuff, why bother?
 
2012-07-10 12:25:00 PM  
So, they were acting out a scene from the book?

/brown sauce
//and then maybe a little white sauce
 
2012-07-10 12:25:01 PM  
I figured he diarrhead in her face. I was disappointed when I read the article.
 
2012-07-10 12:25:10 PM  

Fabric_Man: "Brown sauce?" How does that translate in 'Merican?


mayonnaise
 
2012-07-10 12:25:21 PM  
derek.broox.com
 
2012-07-10 12:25:53 PM  

Kyndig: I don't get the popularity of that book...it's like softcore porn: with the ready availability of racier stuff, why bother?


Oprah also has a great appeal which I don't understand.
 
2012-07-10 12:26:03 PM  

Kyndig: I don't get the popularity of that book...it's like softcore porn: with the ready availability of racier stuff, why bother?


It's terrible softcore porn! There is good softcore porn for free everywhere. I am baffled!
 
2012-07-10 12:26:07 PM  
"She went to close the door and he jammed his foot into the door, slapped her once in the face, and then squirted her with this bottle of sauce."

Boyfriend squirted partner with brown sauce when she refused to stop reading Fifty Shades of Grey

A man has appeared in court after taking revenge on his girlfriend who refused to stop reading the erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey - by squirting brown sauce at her face.

Miss Harris said: "He said he had every intention of squirting sauce over Miss McCormick, but he now regrets having done this, realising how stupid it sounds.

"He didn't realise that the sauce incident would be classed as an assault. He is sorry for his actions."

...

Mr Dodds said: "He lost his temper and went round to her home armed with a bottle of brown sauce, which he should never have done.


Perhaps the "slapped her" part is more important than the f*cking brown sauce to the charges. F*cking "news"...
 
2012-07-10 12:29:08 PM  

Braindeath: Kyndig: I don't get the popularity of that book...it's like softcore porn: with the ready availability of racier stuff, why bother?

It's terrible softcore porn! There is good softcore porn for free everywhere. I am baffled!


My wife started it and said that it was truly awful, in so many ways.
 
2012-07-10 12:29:15 PM  
He thinks that book is "wrong" for very different reasons than I do. People are free to read all the porn they want, but you can find better literary smut in teenage girls' fanfics.
 
2012-07-10 12:31:44 PM  

Vangor: "She went to close the door and he jammed his foot into the door, slapped her once in the face, and then squirted her with this bottle of sauce."

Boyfriend squirted partner with brown sauce when she refused to stop reading Fifty Shades of Grey

A man has appeared in court after taking revenge on his girlfriend who refused to stop reading the erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey - by squirting brown sauce at her face.

Miss Harris said: "He said he had every intention of squirting sauce over Miss McCormick, but he now regrets having done this, realising how stupid it sounds.

"He didn't realise that the sauce incident would be classed as an assault. He is sorry for his actions."

...

Mr Dodds said: "He lost his temper and went round to her home armed with a bottle of brown sauce, which he should never have done.

Perhaps the "slapped her" part is more important than the f*cking brown sauce to the charges. F*cking "news"...


The "slapped" part is disputed, the sauce part isn't.
 
2012-07-10 12:32:46 PM  
What's weird is that every girl I speak to that has read that series basically says that by the time they reach the 3rd book they're practically numb to all the sexual stuff, as is the case with practically everything sexual: You get exposed to it long enough it loses its taboo.
 
2012-07-10 12:34:04 PM  
www.britishonlinegoodies.com

Dunno, think the file name says it all.
 
2012-07-10 12:34:43 PM  
"put down that bloody book or i shall proceed to get brown sauce on me willingham!"
 
2012-07-10 12:35:29 PM  
50 Shades of Sasha Grey?
 
2012-07-10 12:37:13 PM  

netweavr: The "slapped" part is disputed, the sauce part isn't.


People dispute basically every charge against themselves, not to say he did or he did not but her word would be good enough to charge him, not get a judgment against, which is my point.
 
2012-07-10 12:37:18 PM  
"He didn't realise that the sauce incident would be classed as an assault. He is sorry for his actions."

Yes, the classification is what is important. Not the fact that he lost control over himself over a crappy book.

I didn't realize stabbing someone could be classed as murder if they end up dead, otherwise I would have found a different way to vent my rage.
 
2012-07-10 12:37:31 PM  

Braindeath: Kyndig: I don't get the popularity of that book...it's like softcore porn: with the ready availability of racier stuff, why bother?

It's terrible softcore porn! There is good softcore porn for free everywhere. I am baffled!


Yes, but they aren't being told to read all the good softcore porn.
 
2012-07-10 12:37:47 PM  

bhcompy: 50 Shades of Sasha Grey?


Oh Hells yes.
 
2012-07-10 12:38:03 PM  
This book started off as a Twilight Fanfic. SERIOUSLY!!!
 
2012-07-10 12:39:16 PM  
He's 31, still lives with his parents and no one yet has asked what's his Fark handle.

Oh, wait, he had a girlfriend. Never mind.
 
2012-07-10 12:39:21 PM  
Just common assault? Lucky for him the brown sauce wasn't extra spicy, or it would have been aggravated.
 
2012-07-10 12:40:28 PM  
1) I thought brown sauce was going to be a euphemism for something totally different.
2) WTF is brown sauce?
3) you know the relationship is headed nowhere when you're 26 and both of you still live with your parents.
 
2012-07-10 12:40:42 PM  
Well he probably thinks that is she is thinking about sex and he isnt involved its dirty and cheating.
 
2012-07-10 12:40:53 PM  

StrikitRich: bhcompy: 50 Shades of Sasha Grey?

Oh Hells yes.


Yes please.
 
2012-07-10 12:41:12 PM  
Raymond Hodgson, 31, was charged with ... The pair had been in a relationship for four or five years, though both still live with their respective parents.

/What's his fark handle?
 
2012-07-10 12:41:34 PM  
img.photobucket.com

Might know about the brown sauce.
 
2012-07-10 12:43:08 PM  

LegacyDL: What's weird is that every girl I speak to that has read that series basically says that by the time they reach the 3rd book they're practically numb to all the sexual stuff, as is the case with practically everything sexual: You get exposed to it long enough it loses its taboo.


^ This.

It also doesn't help that it's a poorly written fan-fic mashup of Twilight and Dexter.

/forced my way through all three
//thank god I didn't buy them
 
2012-07-10 12:44:38 PM  
I'm looking forward to his book, "50 Shades of Brown".
 
2012-07-10 12:46:29 PM  
I was kind of fearful that that brown sauce was brown for other reasons. I'm kind of curious what this Fifty Shades of Grey is about....If its is a turn on for so many women, its kind of like doing your homework. Maybe if you like the girl you repeat some of what's going on in the book for her... Then she repeats something you once read in a book somewhere, etc etc etc.

As for this though.....

"The pair had been in a relationship for four or five years, though both still live with their respective parents.....:"

What is it these days... people want a relationship but their all freaking cowards to act like grown ups and take the chance, make it work? Farking move out of mommy and daddy's house and stop making excuses....GROW UP!
 
2012-07-10 12:47:06 PM  
I think she should have asked him if he have ever read or seen any pornography - end of arguement.

/ they both sound like losers to me.
//Is that Soy (or Soya) sauce?
 
2012-07-10 12:47:34 PM  
Readers of this book should not actually be slapped. It's called a figure of speech for a reason.
 
2012-07-10 12:50:26 PM  

Kyndig: StrikitRich: bhcompy: 50 Shades of Sasha Grey?

Oh Hells yes.

Yes please.


That would probably involve lots of colors of sauce.
 
2012-07-10 12:50:56 PM  

Kyndig: I don't get the popularity of that book...it's like softcore porn: with the ready availability of racier stuff, why bother?


I don't know every woman in the world, but I'm under the impression that females, as a generalization, still aren't quite ready for racy porn, or aren't quite as drawn to it...assuming the definition of racier porn is "more crude and more descriptive", which may translate to "too crude and too descriptive"
That's not to say you can't find a woman who right now is multi surfing Fark and a site where some woman is the subject of multiple loving partners expressing themselves physically...with ropes and clamps and machine-driven marital aids.
 
2012-07-10 12:51:31 PM  

FarkinHostile: Why would you be appalled at your woman reading erotica? You know what happens after they get done?

Yes, that's right, they masturbate with a zucchini while thinking of Channing Tatum. Or something.


It was a cucumber dammit!
 
2012-07-10 12:53:12 PM  
Is it bad that apon reading "your going to get the brown sauce" that he ment feces?
 
2012-07-10 12:54:48 PM  
Take a dump, baby
Squirt some gravy
Pour some sugar on me honey
Make it brown and runny

Give it a little Flavor Flav
Back from the grave
Gonna burn some toast
Pump some humpin' rump roast

/we came to pottie
 
2012-07-10 12:55:11 PM  

Kyndig: StrikitRich: bhcompy: 50 Shades of Sasha Grey?

Oh Hells yes.

Yes please.


I'll buy that for a dollar.
 
2012-07-10 12:56:08 PM  

jayphat: 1) I thought brown sauce was going to be a euphemism for something totally different.
2) WTF is brown sauce?
3) you know the relationship is headed nowhere when you're 26 and both of you still live with your parents.


Fabric_Man: "Brown sauce?" How does that translate in 'Merican?


It is sauce.. that is brown. Hence Brown Sauce

Link
 
2012-07-10 12:58:41 PM  
He didn't have to go through all that, just counter-attack with 50 ways to leave your lover.

/Just slip out the back
//Jack.
 
2012-07-10 01:00:09 PM  

NobleHam: He thinks that book is "wrong" for very different reasons than I do. People are free to read all the porn they want, but you can find better literary smut in teenage girls' fanfics.


How true.
 
2012-07-10 01:01:51 PM  
i purchased the box set for the wife, so far two weeks of constant sex. and we both have dropped about 15 lbs.
 
2012-07-10 01:02:31 PM  

Mitch Taylor's Bro: Kyndig: StrikitRich: bhcompy: 50 Shades of Sasha Grey?

Oh Hells yes.

Yes please.

That would probably involve lots of colors of sauce.


Taste the Rainbow?
 
2012-07-10 01:04:16 PM  

StrikitRich: Mitch Taylor's Bro: Kyndig: StrikitRich: bhcompy: 50 Shades of Sasha Grey?

Oh Hells yes.

Yes please.

That would probably involve lots of colors of sauce.

Taste the Rainbow?


Don't mind if I do...
 
2012-07-10 01:04:42 PM  
ok, let's see if we can collectively author a book in this thread.
Catch: you have to write and edit it all within 10 minutes.

We'll call the book "Farking Around: A Romance Novella"

Here is my submission:

She has been on this project for 3 weeks. Supervising a select staff, gathering data, and writing up the findings. Slowly over the course of that time she has felt pressure to take control and be more demanding of her staff than normal. The pressure to be "on" for the summary presentation tomorrow was almost unbearable. Arriving at home around 7, she walked in to find dinner on the table. Certainly not fine dining, at least he had tried to help shorten her day and make the transition back into the household for the evening smoother. Trying to relax, she sips her wine wondering where he had gone off to.

Finishing her meal, she can hear music upstairs and she smiles to herself. It is one of the albums that they used to listen to on their drives through the mountains. Continuing down the hall, slipping out of her shoes, skirt, and finally blouse she enters the bathroom. Finishing undressing she tosses her clothes into the hamper and turns on the water. The hot water and steam seem to melt away much of the days stress. But, that sense of having to be in control and having the weight of her department on her clings to her like a film... not so easily washed away. Finished, she wraps a towel around herself and heads towards the bedroom.

Walking down the hall and up the stairs, the music has changed. Now something a little more jazzy, she wonders what he had been doing all this time. Normally, he would have greeted her downstairs.

Entering the bedroom everything is lit in a faint glow from a couple small candles. On the dresser where she would normally lay her towel, there is a small note. "Please, A T-Shirt and Boy Shorts only". With a wondering look on her face she puts the towel aside and pulls an oversize t-shirt and a pair of cotton boy shorts from her dresser. Putting them on, she gives her hair one last comb in the dresser mirror and then moves to lay on the bed. As she reaches the bed, he enters smiling.

"Tomorrow is your big day", he says. He talks about how he has seen the pressure she feels escalating and how she has been exerting more control over work and that it was bleeding over into her home life. She listens, not sure of his point exactly but in a way grateful that he has noticed.

He asks her to lie back on the bed and he slowly raises her arm above her head towards the headboard. Turning her head she looks up towards her hand to see him slipping a leather cuff over her hand and wrist. Snug, but not tight, the way the cuff is connected to the headboard it is taunt without being overly restrictive. As she wonders where he might have gotten that, he slowly raises her other arm and slips a second cuff over her other hand and onto her wrist. Instinctively she knows she could wiggle her hands free, but at the same time the tension is exciting.

She gives him a puzzled look. He responds, telling her that he knows the stress she gets from having to take so much control over at work, how much her office and her staff are relying on her, and the weight that has had on her these past few weeks.. But, tonight, she can give that all up. She is tied, she has given up control, she is to let things happen.

He smiles at her and slowly he puts his hands under her back just below where her arms meet her body on each side. Sitting with his legs under hers and by leaning forward, he is holding her up slightly at the top of her torso. He draws his hands down her back, which lifts her up as he goes, but then the tension on the cuffs holds her fast and as her back eases back into the bed, the bottom of her body continues to rise, his hands massaging her back downward both drawing her towards him (but restrained to the headboard) and lifting her until her hips are raised. He repeats the motion two more times, each time a little firmer, but somehow it relaxes her in a way she had not expected.

Satisfied that she is comfortable with things as they are right now, he moves to the side and massages her arms from where the cuffs meet her wrist to her shoulders. Brushing her sides, he hits that exact balance between pleasure and a tickle. A tease she can not fight, as she can not lower her arms to 'defend' herself. He continues the massage, every so often crossing the line that exist and drawing a faint struggle as she tries to avoid letting go of the playful laughter he is trying to get out of her.

After a few joyfully extracted giggles and many smiles he crosses crosses his legs over her waist and straddles her hips. Resting his weight on the palms of his hands on either side of her body, he now has her hips pinned to the bed and her wrist tied to the headboard. She is helpless. He can do as he wishes and she feels filled with both anticipation and an overwhelming feeling of trust. Leaning forward, he brings his lips to hers and as he kisses her he slowly raises up. As he pulls back, she follows as she maintains the kiss. Until the cuffs stop her and she is forced to stop, lips apart by a seemingly immeasurable distance. He smiles and without what seems like even a conscience thought he closes the distance between them the width of what must be air itself and their lips meet once again.

As her body responds and she pushes herself upward, his weight and the restraints hold her place and she is happy. He has taken the control away, and freed her from the stress and the anxiety of tomorrow. After a few more moments, he reaches up and undoes the cuffs, letting her lower her arms and coil them around him in a loving hug. He rolls to the side and they lay face to face. Smiling, he tells her that he knows she will do great tomorrow, how much he loves her, and playfully reminds her to set the alarm. Tomorrow is another day, but tonight they have each other.
 
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