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(Buzzfeed)   "Eat What You Want and Die Like a Man" plus 17 other ways to prove your manhood. Fark needs a food tab   (buzzfeed.com) divider line 80
    More: Amusing, self-help, buyer beware  
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12169 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jul 2012 at 9:44 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-07 12:28:07 PM
Eating what you want? That's no way for a man to die. A parachute not opening, that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine. Having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I want to go.
 
2012-07-07 12:34:02 PM
Even though he's a pussy sellout, back in the day Dennis Leary had something to say about this:
Are you man enough?
 
2012-07-07 12:39:22 PM
I thought you just had to be swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon.
 
2012-07-07 01:04:02 PM

lizyrd: Smoke like a man - Camel straights or Luckys. Tampons are for girls, and they don't belong on the end of a man's cigarette. Or roll your own, keeping in mind that using a machine that stuffs loose tobacco in a prerolled tube is not rolling your own. An alternative is a cheap, but leaf wrapped, cigar like Munniemaker. If you need your tobacco "flavor infused," you don't deserve to have it.

Work like a man - Fight fires, use heavy machinery, build things, or otherwise use your body or manly machinery to physically accomplish your work.

Exercise like a man - If you're already working like a man, working out should be unnecessary. Pretty gym muscles only prove that you're as vain as woman. Worrying about the definition of your abs is less important than the ability of your body to do what your brain asks of it.

Drink like a man - Whisky, neat. If you need to dilute your liquor to get it down, you don't deserve to drink it.

Prepare like a man - At the very least, you should carry on your person a way to start a fire and a pocket knife. Your car should have physical road maps, water, rope, duct tape, hand tools and jumper cables in the trunk.

Think like a man - You should be able to come up with a solution to overcome life's little irritations. Humans did not evolve to think critically and use tools so we could sit on our asses while someone else fixes our problems.


Well, apparently you've got "be insecure about your sexuality like a man" down pat.
 
2012-07-07 01:09:15 PM
I'm going to eat what I want and do what I want because in life there is no safety.
 
2012-07-07 01:11:48 PM
upload.wikimedia.org
Worked for Winnie.

/You can't kick Kraut Keister on veggies and ice water.
 
2012-07-07 01:19:35 PM

Mock26: Galileo's Daughter: Mock26: Want to feel like a man? Go learn how to make fire using either flint and steel or a couple of sticks. That will make you feel like a man.

Oh yeah, farking a woman also makes you feel like a man. And you can feel even more like a man for every Big O that you can give her.

So, yeah, making fire or farking. Go do them!

Or crush beer cans across your forehead. While playing football.

Pfft. Football is for pussies.


Rugby it is, then.
 
2012-07-07 01:21:39 PM
I like my meat how I like my sex.

In the ass, like a man.

Wait, that didn't sound right..

I said I like to get pounded like a man.

That still doesn't look right..

Like a man.

Yeah.
 
2012-07-07 01:26:04 PM

lizyrd: Smoke like a man - Camel straights or Luckys. Tampons are for girls, and they don't belong on the end of a man's cigarette. Or roll your own, keeping in mind that using a machine that stuffs loose tobacco in a prerolled tube is not rolling your own. An alternative is a cheap, but leaf wrapped, cigar like Munniemaker. If you need your tobacco "flavor infused," you don't deserve to have it.


Smoking is only masculine if it's the 1940's and you're Humphrey Bogart. In the 21st century no man who wants to be taken seriously as a man smokes. Men don't allow themselves to become dependent upon drugs that do nothing but damage their body and waste their money. When I see a man with a cigarette in his hands, I pretty much instantly stop taking him seriously.



Work like a man - Fight fires, use heavy machinery, build things, or otherwise use your body or manly machinery to physically accomplish your work.

Being able to use your body to do necessary work is important, but the hallmark of being a man is using your mind to create. All truly meaningful work involves learning and creativity. If you leave this world without either adding to society's knowledge, or creating something new and unique, you've failed as man. Anyone can dig ditches.

Exercise like a man - If you're already working like a man, working out should be unnecessary. Pretty gym muscles only prove that you're as vain as woman. Worrying about the definition of your abs is less important than the ability of your body to do what your brain asks of it.

My brother-in-law is a UPS driver, who hauls heavy packages around in the hot Florida sun. It's the only real exercise he get. It's definitely taxing, physically, but doesn't really exercise all parts of his body equally, and over the years, he's had numerous injuries. The fact is, muscles are muscles, however you get them, and a deliberate program of exercise allows you to gain balanced muscle development, flexibility, and aerobic conditioning.

Drink like a man - Whisky, neat. If you need to dilute your liquor to get it down, you don't deserve to drink it.

Hard liquor straight is fine, once in a while. If it's your primary source of alcohol, and you're drinking it regularly, you probably have an alcohol problem. Real men don't deliberately drink simply to get drunk, because real men don't allow themselves to lose control of their behavior.

Prepare like a man - At the very least, you should carry on your person a way to start a fire and a pocket knife. Your car should have physical road maps, water, rope, duct tape, hand tools and jumper cables in the trunk.

I'll grant you these. They all make sense.



Think like a man - You should be able to come up with a solution to overcome life's little irritations. Humans did not evolve to think critically and use tools so we could sit on our asses while someone else fixes our problems.

Again, these make sense. As long as you know your limits and are willing to consult someone with more expertise, when the situation requires it.
 
2012-07-07 02:21:41 PM

LiberalEastCoastElitist: A dietary pattern which is high in fruit, vegetables, nuts, whole grains, and fish but low in red and processed meat and refined grains is more represented in subjects without ED.

Link


/me thinks: "Hmmm... that sounds about right as I sit here eating my corn-on-the-cob, bean sprouts, cabbage with muer (an edible Chinese fungus -- think really flat mushrooms), and catfish."

//I Have never actually experienced ED, but I'm still young!
 
2012-07-07 02:26:59 PM
Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
 
2012-07-07 02:37:16 PM
It's sad how many people confuse "acting like a man" with "acting like an adolescent moron with poor impulse control" or "acting like a 1950s Hollywood stereotype".
 
2012-07-07 02:48:26 PM
Take an arrow to the knee... and CONTINUE to be an adventurer.
 
2012-07-07 03:04:19 PM
It's all shiat.
 
2012-07-07 03:08:03 PM

reillan: I eat very healthy, exercise, and look 14 years younger than I am. The bad news is, the only girls that flirt with me are 18. Wait... did I say bad news?


This! My coworkers and friends (the ones who haven't known me since I was a kid anyway) are consistently shocked when I tell them my age. They think I'm at least 10 years younger than I really am. It would probably be a bigger difference but I do have a receding hairline that I can't (won't) hide. I also get alot of 'positive female attention' from significantly younger women which is nice -- not that I'm going to let that go passed a certain point, being as I'm married.
 
2012-07-07 03:09:16 PM

ialdabaoth: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?


Not right now.
 
2012-07-07 03:12:04 PM
Wouldn't it be easier to make a list of things men shouldn't do?
 
2012-07-07 03:40:06 PM

Spoon over Marin: [i112.photobucket.com image 500x344]


I love Ron Swanson. SO. MUCH.

You're welcome.
 
2012-07-07 04:30:09 PM
this goes to show, writing a book about how to be a man, does not make one manly.

/unless you're maddox
 
2012-07-07 04:34:35 PM
The Marlboro cookbook... while its title and tagline is lame... isn't half bad. Great beer can chicken spice rub... we're cooking it tonight, in fact.
 
2012-07-07 04:44:35 PM
Bah, half of these books are written for women.

Thumbs up for New Rules of Lifting for women. Great program that I highly recommend to any women interested in heavy weight lifting.
 
2012-07-07 05:29:47 PM
I feel sorry for men, quite honestly. There's all this peer pressure to prove what they already are. Take off your pants. Look down. You have a cock. There it is. That's all the proof you need. Yet, men get hectored with homophobic insults or told they are a woman/girl/pussy if they don't do whatever their tormentor thinks is acceptable for them to do.

All those sexually insecure and judgemental people can just go piss up a rope.

You can be an NFL quarterback or my gay hairdresser. You're still a man. It's OK.
 
2012-07-07 05:42:15 PM

TastyEloi: estrogen derp>

You sound like you think dick is tasty.

 
2012-07-07 06:02:17 PM

Contents Under Pressure: I feel sorry for men, quite honestly. There's all this peer pressure to prove what they already are.


Thats only the weird, insecure ones. Most of us don't feel any pressure to prove they're a manly man or whatever.

Yes, this happens to all guys in grade school. But once we're adults, most of us don't care. Really.

I'm a tall, lanky guy with a body that's the complete opposite of a muscular manly man. I have no problems talking openly about things like depression, anxiety (I don't drone on and on about my problems, I just don't hide them and pretend to have it all together.)

This is my experience with probably 75% of other guys I talk to.
 
2012-07-07 10:11:59 PM

Summer Glau's Love Slave: [upload.wikimedia.org image 205x286]
Worked for Winnie.

/You can't kick Kraut Keister on veggies and ice water.


Winston's got the man scowl working because the photographer snatched the cigar from his mouth right before he took the picture.
 
2012-07-07 11:03:55 PM

vodka: ghare: Screw that. Big ol' heart attack and POOF! The peace of the grave.

No real man is afraid of death like that but unfortunately odds are against it working out that way. More like "Ahhhh! pain! more pain!!!! help!!!! EMT's save your life. Now you're in constant pain, anxiety, weak, crippled, and can't do anything normally any more. Then a stroke to further cripple you. Now comes the next heart attack, more pain!"

Yeah, fark that shiat.


...and then, *maybe*, you die.

findmeapirate.com


/more meat for the meat eaters
 
2012-07-07 11:07:34 PM

Contents Under Pressure: I feel sorry for men, quite honestly. There's all this peer pressure to prove what they already are. Take off your pants. Look down. You have a cock. There it is. That's all the proof you need. Yet, men get hectored with homophobic insults or told they are a woman/girl/pussy if they don't do whatever their tormentor thinks is acceptable for them to do.


Some men, I guess. In general though, men have a lot less gender peer pressure than women. When I go out, I wear some baggies and a old t-shirt. Most women seem to have a need for extensive makeup, doing their hair, and picking out a matching ensemble for the day. From getting out of bed, it takes me about 5 minutes to get ready to go somewhere on a weekend. When we go out, I don't critique what other men are wearing.

I sit with the guys watching a UFC fight over a beer, we can and usually do rib each to each other about being fat / lazy / ugly / stupid / and crappy at darts. Guys don't give a shiat. We laugh about it. We belch and undo the snap on our baggies when we've eaten too much pizza, and rub our bellies. And then someone else will ask when the baby is due, and there's a few laughs, and it's all good. (Now, try even hinting that a woman is fat.)

Honestly, women just don't seem to have that easy going attitude about them. Not even when among their best friends. It's always more like a subtle competition for them. It's just their nature.
 
2012-07-07 11:26:45 PM

TastyEloi: In the 21st century no man who wants to be taken seriously as a man smokes


See, some men don't sit around worrying about "being taken seriously as a man." If it's something you have to consciously work at, then you are probably doing something wrong. Just go with the flow, and stop trying so hard to please everyone else and desperately fit in.

Oh, and I like cigars. If you have a problem with that, you can prance your mincy self out the door, pretty boy.
 
2012-07-08 04:15:49 AM

lizyrd: Prepare like a man - At the very least, you should carry on your person a way to start a fire and a pocket knife. Your car should have physical road maps, water, rope, duct tape, hand tools and jumper cables in the trunk.


As one of the Real Men, my neck is too thick to look above the level of my eyes. But I've been told that if I could look up, there are various celestial objects that would allow a Real Man such as myself to navigate at any time of day or night. Combining navigational ability with a good memory of the land lets a Real Man proceed from steakhouse to steakhouse without needing to refer to any paper maps.

The jumper cables are definitely a good idea too. Also toilet paper in a ziploc bag, in case your car explodes several miles from anywhere.
 
2012-07-08 10:25:10 AM

DrWhy: reillan: I eat very healthy, exercise, and look 14 years younger than I am. The bad news is, the only girls that flirt with me are 18. Wait... did I say bad news?

This! My coworkers and friends (the ones who haven't known me since I was a kid anyway) are consistently shocked when I tell them my age. They think I'm at least 10 years younger than I really am. It would probably be a bigger difference but I do have a receding hairline that I can't (won't) hide. I also get alot of 'positive female attention' from significantly younger women which is nice -- not that I'm going to let that go passed a certain point, being as I'm married.


hah, yeah I have the receding hair thing too. The only thing I'll do to hide it is keep my hair very, very short (which does nothing to hide it but does make it look less obnoxious :)
 
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