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(The Atlantic)   Turns out, it's okay for children to hate their parents and it's really good for them   (theatlantic.com) divider line 79
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9250 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Jul 2012 at 3:16 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-05 10:00:03 AM  

farkityfarker: Well, considering that the only time my dad paid attention to me was when he was whipping me or farking me, I don't really like him.


WAT
 
2012-07-05 10:03:32 AM  
Both my parents are dead. So it doesn't matter if I hate them or not. But being a parent myself, i understand that children don't come with user manuals. So the did their best.

Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
 
2012-07-05 10:08:16 AM  
I never hated my parents but I saw them as an obstacle and a pain in the ass when i was a teenager. And that's good. They set real limits to keep me from doing anything too dangerous, but they also let me find my own independence. I didn't need them to be my bestest buddies when I was 15.

Now I get along with them fine. I know they were trying to raise a confident adult who questions the status quo, not a comfortable drone.
 
2012-07-05 10:17:18 AM  
The article's talking about boundaries, really, not hate.
And it's actually a shame they're conflating that with 'hate'.

Sure, there's no accounting for hormones -- and kids hitting boundaries will say just about anything when they get emotional.
(My niece, at three years old, said her mother was "ruining her life" because she couldn't continue to color past her bedtime.)

But an outburst is different from day-to-day seething hatred and resentment.
If they feel and vocalize hate toward you with any regularity, they probably didn't hit any boundaries until way too late.
That's a bummer of a spot and not really healthy for anyone involved.
 
2012-07-05 10:18:40 AM  
You know who else hated his parents?

i174.photobucket.com
 
2012-07-05 10:21:00 AM  

indylaw: I never hated my parents but I saw them as an obstacle and a pain in the ass when i was a teenager. And that's good. They set real limits to keep me from doing anything too dangerous, but they also let me find my own independence. I didn't need them to be my bestest buddies when I was 15.


Yeah, but I think a lot of parents fark up when they don't adjust to teenage rebellion. My parents were "do as I say" and weren't big on explaining themselves. I mean, I was well into high school when my parents were still trying to get us to do chores by just screaming at us. At that point a simple explanation would've gotten the point across, but after so many years of demanding unquestioning obedience from us they probably forgot how to use reason.
 
2012-07-05 10:21:26 AM  

mytdawg: You know who else hated his parents?

[i174.photobucket.com image 600x460]


george clooney?
 
2012-07-05 10:31:28 AM  

LDM90: Everyone hates their parents for a while in their 20s, when they realize they're adults now and aren't prepared for everything. You get over it by the time you're 30.


Just hit 30. Haven't talked to my family in years, no plans to start any time soon.
 
2012-07-05 10:35:34 AM  
I was the black sheep of the family.

And I was the only child.

/No respect I tell ya
 
2012-07-05 10:35:59 AM  
Yeah, whatever, so long as it gets them out of the house.
 
2012-07-05 10:52:34 AM  
Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids.
 
2012-07-05 10:52:47 AM  

dragonchild: indylaw: I never hated my parents but I saw them as an obstacle and a pain in the ass when i was a teenager. And that's good. They set real limits to keep me from doing anything too dangerous, but they also let me find my own independence. I didn't need them to be my bestest buddies when I was 15.

Yeah, but I think a lot of parents fark up when they don't adjust to teenage rebellion. My parents were "do as I say" and weren't big on explaining themselves. I mean, I was well into high school when my parents were still trying to get us to do chores by just screaming at us. At that point a simple explanation would've gotten the point across, but after so many years of demanding unquestioning obedience from us they probably forgot how to use reason.


Yeah, there's a balance, of course, and the same strategy that works for an eight-year old is not appropriate for a fifteen-year-old. I think the trick is to gradually allow more autonomy, especially in interests and in responsibility, as kids get older while maintaining reasonable consequences for violating rules. If your seven-year-old has behavior problems in school and doesn't do his work, you work closely with him to set him on the right path. If your high schooler is farking off and not doing his work, you let him get an F and reap the consequences. If you've done a good job, he'll be ashamed of that failure and get his shiat together.
 
2012-07-05 11:03:02 AM  

mytdawg: Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids.


I'm the son of a sea cook!
 
2012-07-05 11:12:29 AM  
My parents and I get along great now that I live 2000 miles away.
 
2012-07-05 11:31:18 AM  

TomD9938: FTA : In one of the most memorable moments from this session, she shares a letter from a student who failed to read a course syllabus carefully. "I am completely astonished about these revelations and not sure how this happened," the Ivy League student wrote to the professor, after realizing that several major deadlines had come and gone. "I'm also surprised you didn't notify me earlier of my failure to complete these assignments. What do you suggest that we do?"

Hot.


Yeah, hot like the grill at MacDonalds where that kid will be working if the parents cut him/her off.

Hating my parents' attitudes and actions helped me decide not to be anything like them. That helped me build happy, calm, and harmonious relationships. The several hundred miles between us just makes it sweeter.
 
2012-07-05 11:33:21 AM  
Duh, even Jesus told you to hate your mother and father.
 
2012-07-05 12:07:00 PM  

jigger: Duh, even Jesus told you to hate your mother and father.


jigger: Duh, even Jesus told you to hate your mother and father.


File under "least-quoted verses of the New Testament" along with the other bits that point to why he was the star on the 2 by 4 tree.
 
2012-07-05 12:09:04 PM  
The article that this woman wrote was excellent. It is a shame many parents out there do not understand what she is talking about.
 
2012-07-05 12:27:05 PM  

Jim_Callahan:
//If I get one more undergrad who backs down the moment I correct them instead of pressing for details I swear I'm going to start putting the median of the grading curve at "D" instead of "C". It's really damned frustrating.


Yeah, good luck with that. Society at large has spent the past 20 - 30 years ostracizing most anyone who dared to create "conflict". It doesn't matter whether you're right anymore, just that everyone gets along and that no feelings are hurt.

Seriously.

Now get these same people alone without the kids or the "leadership" around and you'll see that what people would consider to be normal discourse comes back into play... even if the actors don't have a pre-existing relationship.

It's pretty interesting to watch the dynamic in play...
 
2012-07-05 12:35:02 PM  
I came to the conclusion long ago that your family is the people you love ... even if you don't always like them. And we really didn't like each other for a while. I told people that my father didn't have a favorite son, but he did have a son he liked better because they didn't piss him off (and that varied from day to day).
 
2012-07-05 01:37:17 PM  
I haven't talked to my mother in over a year and I have no plans to speak with her: she's a selfish, whining hag who tells anyone who'll listen about how hard she worked though she never had a job in her life (though I guess one could say that she watched all those soap operas so I didn't have to). She cared about here kids so much that the most dangerous place in the state was between her and a TV set.

It's been mentioned before that most people that hate their parents have a reason to do so. Instead of wagging your fingers at these people, perhaps you should instead be grateful you had good parents.
 
2012-07-05 02:07:36 PM  
I must be the healthiest person in the world then, because I don't even consider my parents family. Family are the ones who are there when you need them the most. When you need support, a kind (or not so kind) word to get you going in the right direction or just a shoulder to cry on; family are the ones who stick with you no matter what you've done in the past. Family doesn't kick you when you're down and leave you out in the cold; family doesn't ignore you when you're in desperate need and then say you're just being melodramatic because you asked for help.

It doesn't bother me so much, but the impact on my kids is what pisses me off. My parent's issues with me influence how they treat my kids and that is wrong. They live on the other side of town from us and we only see them maybe 2 or 3 times a year. My kids don't understand why, if they live so close, they don't see them more often. "They work a lot" is what I tell them.

I'm the only one of my siblings with kids, so far. My husband and I are pretty sure that when my brother has kids, they'll be all over them with assistance, babysitting, and attention. (He's the youngest and the only boy, so he's their "golden child" who can do no wrong). Don't get me wrong, I don't resent my brother. It's not his fault my parents are elitist snobs who keep their eldest child and her children in the fringes of their lives. My brother sees it and doesn't understand why they're like that.

I see it as karma. It's their loss and I won't let it hurt my children.
 
2012-07-05 03:13:54 PM  

probesport: azmoviez: So as a parent I shouldn't let them get their way everytime and eat cake for breakfast? Damn, being a Dad is hard and stuff.

[cache.gawkerassets.com image 340x269]


cache.gawkerassets.com

LOL It looks like Cosby is dropping his own kids off at the pool.
 
2012-07-05 04:43:53 PM  

McNignog: probesport: azmoviez: So as a parent I shouldn't let them get their way everytime and eat cake for breakfast? Damn, being a Dad is hard and stuff.

[cache.gawkerassets.com image 340x269]

[cache.gawkerassets.com image 340x269]

LOL It looks like Cosby is dropping his own kids off at the pool.


It's actually "dropping some pops outta th' Jell-O Tree".
 
2012-07-05 10:02:35 PM  

Cybernetic: Also, they don't have to like broccoli. They just have to eat it.


"Because someday, my child, the object of your affections will invite you over for a home-cooked meal. He or she will serve broccoli. If you refuse to eat that broccoli (or can't properly fake enjoyment in eating it), your beloved will be hurt and/or offended. And you will not get laid that evening. So who's ready to learn how to choke down some broccoli?"
 
2012-07-05 10:44:26 PM  
"Hating" (being angry) at your parents is a part of growing up and figuring out who you are independent of them.


I have a great relationship with my parents overall as an adult, but we all had to learn that the hard way. I didn't rebel much as a teenager. I accepted their authority as reasonable as long as I lived under their roof....then I worked to make sure I was under my own roof as soon as possible. It took them a long time to adjust to the very rapid change in my attitude which started the day they dropped me off at college (full scholarship and working part time for the rest of my spending money). We got through it, but I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier to have started that process sooner. At least it was easier for my younger brother.
 
2012-07-06 05:36:37 AM  

MindStalker: ksdanj: I'd be concerned if I farking didn't hear "I HATE YOU!" and the sound of a slamming door from one of my step-daughters at least a couple of times a week.

I have three step-daughters aged 18, 15, and 13.

fark Omarion, pray for me...

Dude, you have my pity, WTF man. Do they respect you as their father or do they treat you as the stranger in their natural parents life?

//Have a 15 years old step daughter, luckily I'm the only father and get treated as such, whew.


No, they hate me as if I were their biological father.

For better or worse, I've been "Dad" since the oldest one was in 1st grade...
 
2012-07-06 06:28:30 PM  
Cybernetic: Also, they don't have to like broccoli. They just have to eat it.

I wouldn't have hated broccoli if the folks had steamed it vs boiling the shiat out of it until the water it was being boiled in turned the color of tea.
 
2012-07-07 03:53:58 AM  

Jixa: I'm the only one of my siblings with kids, so far. My husband and I are pretty sure that when my brother has kids, they'll be all over them with assistance, babysitting, and attention. (He's the youngest and the only boy, so he's their "golden child" who can do no wrong). Don't get me wrong, I don't resent my brother. It's not his fault my parents are elitist snobs who keep their eldest child and her children in the fringes of their lives. My brother sees it and doesn't understand why they're like that.


That's very sad. My mother-in-law was the oldest of her siblings, and absolutely got the worst of the abuse (beatings and psychological), and her next-oldest brother got quite a bit as well. By the time the next two came along their parents had mellowed a bit and coddled them through the teen years instead of abusing them. But anyway, my MIL was so desperate to get out of the house that she got herself knocked up by a wetback, and when he cheated on her she went crazy enough to get sent to the loony ward for a while.

Fast forward twenty years, when she'd remarried, raised a family, and worked as a nurse, and when her dad was on his deathbed, she asked for his forgiveness and his blessing. All he'd tell her was that she was a useless farkup who deserved nothing for hooking up with a useless wetback, and died shortly after. She's completely crazy now, completely off her rocker, went back to the loony bin and all for a while; her mom still belittles her every time they see each other. It's a damn sad situation, and while my growing up sucked, I can't imagine how horrible it must have been for her.

/SSB
 
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