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(The Atlantic)   Turns out, it's okay for children to hate their parents and it's really good for them   (theatlantic.com) divider line 79
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9244 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Jul 2012 at 3:16 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-05 12:16:30 AM
ya, i hate my parents. they are both total douchbags
 
2012-07-05 01:09:36 AM
So as a parent I shouldn't let them get their way everytime and eat cake for breakfast? Damn, being a Dad is hard and stuff.
 
2012-07-05 01:27:09 AM
I hated my parents in my teens. Now they are by best friends. I think it works better that way but YMMV.
 
2012-07-05 02:05:17 AM
farm1.staticflickr.com
 
2012-07-05 03:20:13 AM
Makes me glad I don't have kids.
 
2012-07-05 03:21:00 AM
Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.

So for the good of your children.

www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net
 
2012-07-05 03:31:06 AM
I used to hate my parents, now i don't farking care!
 
2012-07-05 03:31:45 AM
Bah, "hate" is a strong way of putting it. Even as an asshole teenager I loved my parents and generally respected their authority, that doesn't mean I didn't argue with them damn-near constantly.

Learning how to disagree with someone and forge your conflict into either a compromise or a deeper understanding of your differences is... kind of an important life skill. And you're really only going to get it through experience, the most forgiving environment for which involves your parents or siblings.

//Just having parents that show you the basic respect of actually arguing things out (or explaining the basic reason why they don't have time/don't feel like it/etc) goes a long way toward helping you not hate them, to boot.

//If I get one more undergrad who backs down the moment I correct them instead of pressing for details I swear I'm going to start putting the median of the grading curve at "D" instead of "C". It's really damned frustrating.
 
2012-07-05 03:32:38 AM
I'd be concerned if I farking didn't hear "I HATE YOU!" and the sound of a slamming door from one of my step-daughters at least a couple of times a week.

I have three step-daughters aged 18, 15, and 13.

fark Omarion, pray for me...
 
2012-07-05 03:32:47 AM
Watching "Malcolm in the middle" always made me feel better about my own parenting skills.
 
2012-07-05 03:33:06 AM
FTA : In one of the most memorable moments from this session, she shares a letter from a student who failed to read a course syllabus carefully. "I am completely astonished about these revelations and not sure how this happened," the Ivy League student wrote to the professor, after realizing that several major deadlines had come and gone. "I'm also surprised you didn't notify me earlier of my failure to complete these assignments. What do you suggest that we do?"

Hot.

fusillade762: Makes me glad I don't have kids.


I'm glad about that as well.
 
2012-07-05 03:37:43 AM
Spoiled ass kids and unattentive parents, color me farking shocked!
 
2012-07-05 03:44:22 AM
i hate everybody
 
2012-07-05 03:45:20 AM
0.tqn.com

Yeah, with the burning fire of a thousand suns. Hasn't helped.
 
2012-07-05 03:48:00 AM
You want to know how much I hated my mother? While she was on her last legs, I allowed my younger brother to become her legal guardian despite the fact that he's the most colossal bungler of all time.

That finished her off.

/I hate her even more now that she's dead.
 
2012-07-05 03:48:30 AM
Well, considering that the only time my dad paid attention to me was when he was whipping me or farking me, I don't really like him.
 
2012-07-05 04:04:04 AM

TomD9938: fusillade762: Makes me glad I don't have kids.

I'm glad about that as well.


Glad that I don't have kids or you don't?
 
2012-07-05 04:07:38 AM

fusillade762: TomD9938: fusillade762: Makes me glad I don't have kids.

I'm glad about that as well.

Glad that I don't have kids or you don't?


You can say that again.
 
2012-07-05 04:14:35 AM

NewportBarGuy: I hated my parents in my teens. Now they are by best friends. I think it works better that way but YMMV.


Same boat as you. As long as you're able to mature and change, it works out in the end. I grew up and stopped acting like a child and recognized where my parents had been right and I had been wrong, and my father also realized he wasn't right about everything either and that just because I was immature, didn't mean I wasn't also right about some things.

Our relationship is the best it's ever been now.
 
2012-07-05 04:30:31 AM
My parents have a favorite child.

It's not me.

But I get along with them pretty well, anyway.
 
2012-07-05 04:47:16 AM
No. Hate isn't good. However, kids saying they hate their parents is different from actually hating their parents. Kids shouldn't see their parents as their best friends, but they shouldn't hate them either.
 
2012-07-05 04:48:21 AM
Heh. Those farkwits are long dead, serves 'em right.
 
2012-07-05 05:51:36 AM
My parents are awesome. They were awesome when I was growing up, and they're awesome now. They were never stricter than they needed to be, and they taught me everything I need to know in life (though I still can't cook a rare steak, if only out of disgust). They're just good people. I turned out well enough, I guess.

It's a lot like this, really.

Sorry to hear that the rest of you are unloved misanthropes. That must suck.
 
2012-07-05 06:15:36 AM
"something to bump up against"? How 'bout the inside of the closet door?
 
2012-07-05 06:44:44 AM

L.D. Ablo: My parents have a favorite child.

It's not me.

But I get along with them pretty well, anyway.


3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-07-05 06:56:57 AM
Yeah I don't know. I think childrens' and parents' personaltiies are so different it's stupid to make generalizations in like in TFA.

Me, and most of my friends, had a healthy relationship with our parents. We weren't coddled but that never breed any resentment in us. I feel like I was rewarded, punished and helped appropriately and fairly. I knew what was expected of me.

And I think the biggest factor was how they acted not only toward me but toward other people and how they lived. I had enough respect from them and for them that when I screwed up I felt like I let them down and was harder on myself usually than they were.


Although maybe the jury is still out on how I turned out as an adult. But I do still have a healthy relationship with my parents.
 
2012-07-05 07:41:23 AM

ksdanj: I'd be concerned if I farking didn't hear "I HATE YOU!" and the sound of a slamming door from one of my step-daughters at least a couple of times a week.

I have three step-daughters aged 18, 15, and 13.

fark Omarion, pray for me...


Dude, you have my pity, WTF man. Do they respect you as their father or do they treat you as the stranger in their natural parents life?

//Have a 15 years old step daughter, luckily I'm the only father and get treated as such, whew.
 
2012-07-05 07:42:05 AM

azmoviez: So as a parent I shouldn't let them get their way everytime and eat cake for breakfast? Damn, being a Dad is hard and stuff.


Did you ever see Bill Cosby? He told a great story about that.

People are always saying that they hate their parents, friends, kids, etc. I always love my mom, even though I was afraid of her. I have forgiven her and now have a good relationship with her.
 
2012-07-05 07:43:50 AM
The key word is "sometimes." Almost everyone has moments when they hate their parents.

In my case, I never came even close to hating my mom, even in the worst of my teen years. I hated my dad for most of them. I don't hate him any more, though I do hold him in pretty thorough contempt (he earned it).

Hate is a drug, a poison. Like any drug or poison, it can, in the right dose, at the right time, serve a useful purpose. Too much of it for too long eats away at you. I was in a job for too long where I simply hated several people there, wished that they would die. I got out of that five years ago, and what a relief...what a liberation. The wounds healed and the hate evaporated.

I'm dealing with family situations right now where it is only too obvious that some people are consumed by hate. There are a couple of people in my family about whom I think, "Man am I ever glad that I live inside my own head, and not that person's."

But teens are still learning to govern, understand and control their emotions. They have to learn what hate is, what it feels like, and let's face it, the most likely target for those experiments are their own parents. Hopefully it's brief.
 
2012-07-05 07:53:54 AM
Remember the movie Jumanji?

I always remember this very theme from that movie.

How young Robin Williams hated his parents, he didn't want to become like them. He didn't want to become the straight laced businessman his father had become, he only saw the negative. It ate away at him so he ran away from the world into the game.

When he came back, and he saw it from the other side of the coin. He was thrust into not just adulthood, but parenthood. He began to act like his father, without a second thought. All those built up emotions came out because he knew what to do.

Accepting that he became like his father was not a bad thing, but that he also had to go through those stages of resentment and hate to come at peace with what he became.

Remember the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. In every familial scrape, no matter how bad it gets, at some level they still have some sort of positive emotions for each other.

/Dad. I love and hate how i'm becoming like you.

also, young Kirsten Dunst, i forgot she was in this.

yosoylachamuca.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-07-05 07:55:47 AM

ksdanj: I'd be concerned if I farking didn't hear "I HATE YOU!" and the sound of a slamming door from one of my step-daughters at least a couple of times a week.

I have three step-daughters aged 18, 15, and 13.

fark Omarion, pray for me...


I always understood that having a step-kid who was a teenager was like having a badly-behaved, possibly rabid pit bull that hated your guts in the same house with you, and you still had to feed it, you weren't allowed to kick it out to fend for itself or give it to a junkyard owner, and you couldn't take it to be "put down".
 
2012-07-05 07:56:25 AM
I have repeatedly told my kids, "You don't have to like me. You do have to listen to me."

Also, they don't have to like broccoli. They just have to eat it.
 
2012-07-05 08:05:58 AM
i.imgur.com
 
2012-07-05 08:09:23 AM

daffy: azmoviez: So as a parent I shouldn't let them get their way everytime and eat cake for breakfast? Damn, being a Dad is hard and stuff.

Did you ever see Bill Cosby? He told a great story about that.

People are always saying that they hate their parents, friends, kids, etc. I always love my mom, even though I was afraid of her. I have forgiven her and now have a good relationship with her.


Mine's gone now. She was a b*tch, a really awful person, and she carried her lying meanness all the way to her grave. I can't muster the arrogance/smugness it would take for me to "forgive" her, because it never once in her seventy years occurred to her to be sorry for anything.

Protip: Mean people always think they're the ones being picked on.
 
2012-07-05 08:41:21 AM
I hated my parents for a long time. When the dust settled and I tried to be friendly with them, i realized they were both dead inside and there was no one to be angry at!
 
2012-07-05 08:47:31 AM
I never hated my mom, probably because she's terrifying when she's angry and I didn't want to piss her off. I hated my dad sometimes because he did his best to sabotage any relationship I might have had with my stepdad; and I hated my stepdad sometimes because he (a) blamed my sister and me for my dad's head games and (b) his solution to family conflicts was to throw the kids into walls and such.
 
2012-07-05 08:50:44 AM

azmoviez: So as a parent I shouldn't let them get their way everytime and eat cake for breakfast? Damn, being a Dad is hard and stuff.


cache.gawkerassets.com
 
2012-07-05 08:51:24 AM
Someone once told me that a kid can't fully mature without having the full range of emotions. No love, no hate, no whatever, and the kid will be stunted. So, I started out years ago telling my kids to remember how much they told me they loved me, there would come a day when they hated me just as much. It would be ok, and we would get through it. Surprise, surprise, they did and do still love me and hate me, depending on how often they win an argument.

As much as it tears me up when one of my kids is yelling, "I hate you," at me, I still actually pity the families that seem like the Stepford Wives. As phony as both families appear on TV, I prefer the brawling Gosselin brood to the robotic Duggars.
 
2012-07-05 08:58:01 AM
My wife doesn't understand at all that I am ok with my son not liking me. He loves me, but I think that's because I love him unconditionally, which means I don't care if he loves me back. I just want him to be a better person than I am.
 
2012-07-05 09:01:27 AM
Everyone hates their parents for a while in their 20s, when they realize they're adults now and aren't prepared for everything. You get over it by the time you're 30.
 
2012-07-05 09:07:15 AM

JustinCase: Watching "Malcolm in the middle" always made me feel better about my own parenting skills.


I thought that was a documentary.
 
2012-07-05 09:13:00 AM

cynicalbastard: ksdanj: I'd be concerned if I farking didn't hear "I HATE YOU!" and the sound of a slamming door from one of my step-daughters at least a couple of times a week.

I have three step-daughters aged 18, 15, and 13.

fark Omarion, pray for me...

I always understood that having a step-kid who was a teenager was like having a badly-behaved, possibly rabid pit bull that hated your guts in the same house with you, and you still had to feed it, you weren't allowed to kick it out to fend for itself or give it to a junkyard owner, and you couldn't take it to be "put down".


Throw in false allegations of step-dad touchiness when you don't front them twenty bucks for the mall, and you have a compelling reason why women with teen children, even outstanding women, are left largely untouched on the shelf.

Seen it, disliked it, took it as a horrible warning. Now that "kids" are hanging around eating groceries until they're 25, women will continue to be alone until they boot their oversized parasites to the curb.

Let the hate commence.
 
2012-07-05 09:29:02 AM
There's hate and then there's the ambivalence not to care enough to hate.
 
2012-07-05 09:29:44 AM
there should NEVER be a "love" relationship between a child and ADULT. DONT YOU SEE WHAY
THEIR BODIES ARE STILL DEVELOPING

and then at 18 their body "grinds into place"
 
2012-07-05 09:39:10 AM
Um, is there some serious confusion here between anger and hatred*?

When teenagers are angry at their parents, it's a day of the week that ends with "y". If you're parenting a teen who's not red-faced pissed at you now and then, you're raising a monster.

I know people who hate their parents, but that's because their parents are genuinely awful people. (Protip: Avoid anyone who talks of "family obligations" as an adult, to other adults.) Squeezing out crotchfruit neither excuses nor cures being a jackass; in fact in my experience having kids afflicts all but the most grounded people with epic entitlement. That said, it's not that unusual for a somewhat sane kid to raise him/herself (being otherwise neglected or exploited by their incompetent or selfish parents) and grow up to detest their parents like anyone should hate an asshole. Frankly it's a bit of a relief that humanity has some bit of self-correcting mechanism, where every now and then a couple of crazy dipshiats will create somewhat normal offspring.

*No, anger does not always lead to hatred. Yoda scripted by Lucas is a dumbass.
 
2012-07-05 09:43:14 AM

dragonchild: Um, is there some serious confusion here between anger and hatred*?

When teenagers are angry at their parents, it's a day of the week that ends with "y". If you're parenting a teen who's not red-faced pissed at you now and then, you're raising a monster.

I know people who hate their parents, but that's because their parents are genuinely awful people. (Protip: Avoid anyone who talks of "family obligations" as an adult, to other adults.) Squeezing out crotchfruit neither excuses nor cures being a jackass; in fact in my experience having kids afflicts all but the most grounded people with epic entitlement. That said, it's not that unusual for a somewhat sane kid to raise him/herself (being otherwise neglected or exploited by their incompetent or selfish parents) and grow up to detest their parents like anyone should hate an asshole. Frankly it's a bit of a relief that humanity has some bit of self-correcting mechanism, where every now and then a couple of crazy dipshiats will create somewhat normal offspring.

*No, anger does not always lead to hatred. Yoda scripted by Lucas is a dumbass.


hate doesn't mean shiat
it's just a word

words help people write articles to get paid
get with the times!!
 
2012-07-05 09:43:33 AM
Yay, so there IS a good reason for me to take my sons pacifier from him and dangling it too high up for him to reach.

I am the best dad ever!
 
2012-07-05 09:46:43 AM

dragonchild: Um, is there some serious confusion here between anger and hatred*?

When teenagers are angry at their parents, it's a day of the week that ends with "y". If you're parenting a teen who's not red-faced pissed at you now and then, you're raising a monster.

I know people who hate their parents, but that's because their parents are genuinely awful people. (Protip: Avoid anyone who talks of "family obligations" as an adult, to other adults.) Squeezing out crotchfruit neither excuses nor cures being a jackass; in fact in my experience having kids afflicts all but the most grounded people with epic entitlement. That said, it's not that unusual for a somewhat sane kid to raise him/herself (being otherwise neglected or exploited by their incompetent or selfish parents) and grow up to detest their parents like anyone should hate an asshole. Frankly it's a bit of a relief that humanity has some bit of self-correcting mechanism, where every now and then a couple of crazy dipshiats will create somewhat normal offspring.

*No, anger does not always lead to hatred. Yoda scripted by Lucas is a dumbass.


There is a clear difference between hate and anger. One often leads to the other (and to no good end), but they are not the same thing. Most teenagers who haven't made the differentiation (an important one to make in life) toss out words like "Love" and "Hate" more freely. It's a synonym to them, they haven't learned the subtlety of words to express varying degrees of hate and love.
 
2012-07-05 09:52:39 AM
When most children and teenagers say they hate their parents, what they're feeling is not hate. Feeling this perfectly natural reaction to not getting one's way, and learning to recognize that it isn't hate, is extremely important.

Those unfortunates who really do hate their parents tend to have a good reason for it.
 
2012-07-05 09:59:09 AM

TomD9938: FTA : In one of the most memorable moments from this session, she shares a letter from a student who failed to read a course syllabus carefully. "I am completely astonished about these revelations and not sure how this happened," the Ivy League student wrote to the professor, after realizing that several major deadlines had come and gone. "I'm also surprised you didn't notify me earlier of my failure to complete these assignments. What do you suggest that we do?"


This is the America we now live in: To city, I don't like working and need a place to live what are you going to do about it? To State, I'm on my 4th kid and only 24 I can't work what are you going to do about it? To school, Johnny does not want to do his homework and I don't have the time to make him behave in class what are you going to do about it?

The student is the example was evolved enough to use "we", that is a little better.

We went from giving a break and help to those struggling yet trying to just giving hand outs creating a society who feels it is their right for being born to get everything handed to them.
 
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