YixilTesiphon: You people bang some ridiculous people.

This is the solution to "I want to go out, where do you want to go?" in my house:

I suggest the first thing that comes to mind.
Mrs. Tesiphon then says "I'd rather go here."
I say "OK."
I drive us there.

Your wife is a freak of nature.

A typical conversation for me would go like this:

Her: Let's go out for dinner.
Me: Ok, any place in mind?
Her: I'm not particular.
Me: How about ? (her favorite restaurant)
Her: I'm not in the mood for that.
Me: How about ? (my favorite restaurant)
Her: No.
Me: GAH! You pick, just not , I hate that place.
Her: Oh, yeah, let's go to .

I was stupid for not realizing what her choice really meant.

bah, it stripped out my place holders for fake restauant names. Try to figure out where those go in that conversation.

redmid17: fortheloveofgod: mightybaldking: fortheloveofgod: !

And the second half of this is - when I get home from work she wants me to recap my entire day to her. The last thing that I want to do after I get home from work is to re-live that god awful day! As soon as I walk in the door I want to forget about work entirely.

I just print out all source code I generate.
Her: How did your day go?
Me: <dump>

Hehehe - now this actually works! I have used it on occasion and the results are awesome!

Her: How was your day?
Me: Ugh. The primary DNS sever went down and none of the IIS bindings would work. To make matters worse, the BAR team couldn't locate the tape backups for the server from yesterday so we couldn't do a system restore to it's last know good state. (5 minutes later)
Her: Oh.

My girlfriend's response would be "I thought you just fixed internet stuff." so I can sympathize

I'd commit crimes for a cute girlfriend who understood Linux system administration enough to follow me when described my work day.

Nytfall: I am starting to think men are not allowed to be mad at women.

Being angry with your wife is now considered spousal abuse.

I wish I was joking.

susansto-helit: She should be willing to compromise back, of course, but you're asking her to hold what could be very damaging emotions inside because you've deemed them not important enough to bother you with.

What about the option of going through the emotional drama with other women instead of insisting that a woman's SO bears the entire responsibility for carrying whatever she decides to dump on him? Whatever happened to poker night and girls' nights out?

CSB
My friend and his wife go out to dinner...
Him: What do you want for dinner? (he wanted chinese, but was trying to be accomodating)
Her: I don't care, whatever you want. (she wanted chinese, but was also trying to be accomodating)
Him: We've been getting chinese a lot, so how about mexican? (he assumed she was tired of chinese, even though she wasn't)
Her: Yeah that sounds great. (she assumed he was tired of chinese, even though he wasn't)
Him: Ok, cool, mexican it is. (thinks he solved his wife's non-existant too-much-chinese problem)
Her: Ok, let's go. (thinks she solved her husband's non-existant too-much-chinese-food problem)

It wasn't until later they talked it out and realized they both actually DID want chinese food.
It's ok to ask for things you want!

OgreMagi: mcwehrle: Um...hate to say this, but your pick in women sucks. Try to find a decent honest woman. We are out there.

Nope. They aren't out there. The decent honest women are taken because they guys who are with them know a good thing when they see it.

Yeah well, I guess I'm just chopped liver. 'S ok. I'm nuttin.

mcwehrle: OgreMagi: mcwehrle: Um...hate to say this, but your pick in women sucks. Try to find a decent honest woman. We are out there.

Nope. They aren't out there. The decent honest women are taken because they guys who are with them know a good thing when they see it.

Yeah well, I guess I'm just chopped liver. 'S ok. I'm nuttin.

In reality, it's more like "It's not that I don't have a woman because good women don't exist, it's that i'm not as good of a man as I think I am or want to be." =(

OgreMagi: mcwehrle: Um...hate to say this, but your pick in women sucks. Try to find a decent honest woman. We are out there.

Nope. They aren't out there. The decent honest women are taken because they guys who are with them know a good thing when they see it.

I'm an honest woman, but since my divorce I don't do relationships. I'm upfront about not wanting anything serious, and I always tell the guys to keep dating. Somehow, I'm still the biatch. :-\

Phinn: She comes in colors everywhere: Do not play the game.

It's not a game! A woman's attraction to you (or lack thereof) is very real (to her).

Her attraction rises and falls depending on the traits you exhibit.

Most guys make the mistake of attempting to relate to women as though women are just like men, communicate just like men, and want the same things (in the same priority) as men.

They don't.

Learning how to relate to women successfully is not "playing a game." It's more like learning how to speak a new language. (Only, it's a language where the words don't ever mean what they purport to mean.)

Relating to women badly leads to sexual relationships filled with confusion, frustration, conflict, anger and pain.

Knowing what makes women happy (which is very different from what they SAY makes them happy) is the path that leads to increased levels of clarity, fulfillment, peace, fun and pleasure.

If you want something from me, and say something else, that's your problem.

Phinn: fortheloveofgod: The problem that you are missing is that when the man does make the decision she rejects it, and then refuses to provide an alternative. It's been pointed out repeatedly in this thread.

I'm not missing anything.

The men who find themselves in this situation expect the woman to offer an alternative dinner option because they assume that the conversation is actually about where to go for dinner. They assume the man and the woman are equals and peers, and are discussing their choices rationally and logically, and both are equally responsible for their lives.

That's all wrong.

The conversation (as with ALL conversations between men and women) is ACTUALLY about defining and exhibiting the terms of their relationship.

By making him pick, then rejecting his choice, then refusing to suggest an alternative is her way of communicating something important.

It communicates that he's FAILING to ASSURE her that he's COMPETENT to make the choices that benefit both of them.

She's CHALLENGING his AUTHORITY and COMPETENCE. She's communicating a lack of CONFIDENCE is him, or maybe doubting his level of commitment to her, or maybe feeling a lack of excitement and interest in him sexually.

Talking about dinner is just a proxy and pretext for talking about the nature of their relationship -- what she thinks of you, what she believes you think of her, what she wants from you, and what she thinks you want from her, etc.

Until you realize that, you're going to go round and round like a dog chasing its tail. You keep missing the point, which is why the problem keeps recurring and getting worse.

and she deserves to dine alone.

because the part you don't get is this is a test. Of her, for me: If she can't pick where to go to dinner and turn something simple into a whole other thing, I'm not interested in her high-maintenance ass.

She comes in colors everywhere: Phinn: fortheloveofgod: The problem that you are missing is that when the man does make the decision she rejects it, and then refuses to provide an alternative. It's been pointed out repeatedly in this thread.

I'm not missing anything.

The men who find themselves in this situation expect the woman to offer an alternative dinner option because they assume that the conversation is actually about where to go for dinner. They assume the man and the woman are equals and peers, and are discussing their choices rationally and logically, and both are equally responsible for their lives.

That's all wrong.

The conversation (as with ALL conversations between men and women) is ACTUALLY about defining and exhibiting the terms of their relationship.

By making him pick, then rejecting his choice, then refusing to suggest an alternative is her way of communicating something important.

It communicates that he's FAILING to ASSURE her that he's COMPETENT to make the choices that benefit both of them.

She's CHALLENGING his AUTHORITY and COMPETENCE. She's communicating a lack of CONFIDENCE is him, or maybe doubting his level of commitment to her, or maybe feeling a lack of excitement and interest in him sexually.

Talking about dinner is just a proxy and pretext for talking about the nature of their relationship -- what she thinks of you, what she believes you think of her, what she wants from you, and what she thinks you want from her, etc.

Until you realize that, you're going to go round and round like a dog chasing its tail. You keep missing the point, which is why the problem keeps recurring and getting worse.

and she deserves to dine alone.

because the part you don't get is this is a test. Of her, for me: If she can't pick where to go to dinner and turn something simple into a whole other thing, I'm not interested in her high-maintenance ass.

also, if she's challenging my competence, then we have no basis for a real relationship and she can go eat alone.

Everything I learned about women I learned from Sesame Street and this man:

The Singing Bush:
Me: Where do you want to go to dinner?
Her: I don't know, I'm not sure what I want nowhere YOU can afford!
Me: How about here, or here, or here, or here, or here?
Her: No, none of those sound good.
Me: Well what do you want?
Her: Why can't YOU make a decision?
Me - head asplode

FTFY

serial_crusher: Jument: The one lesson I've learned is that wimmin sometimes just want to rant angrily at you and that when you do you MUST appear to listen and make sympathetic noises. You MUST NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES explain how to fix the problem. EVER. Not even if she appears to be asking you

Yeah. I will absolutely never understand why I have to appear to be listening. It's like, if you don't want my opinion, and just want to say stuff out loud, you can do that by yourself easily enough. I do it all the time.
They're just playing out some sadistic need to pass their suffering on to you because they know how much it frustrates you to have a solution to a problem but be prevented from implementing it. The joy they derive from your broken will makes them forget about whatever BS they were whining about.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

Link

Link

Funny when women say they can't control their emotions.

I've never seen a woman lose in front of her boss.

Apparently they can control it in certain situations where they may risk losing something, like a job.

Perhaps if they looked at losing it with their SOs as a risk of losing their SO, they might show a bit of control around the house.

heili skrimsli: OgreMagi: I'd commit crimes for a cute girlfriend who understood Linux system administration enough to follow me when described my work day.

I'm female, an engineer, reasonably good looking, have about 15 years experience with Unix and am currently quite gainfully employed in designing software.

I like travel, beer, firearms, fast cars, camping, photography and getting dirty. I enjoy watching football and hockey, and often have parties at my house for the express purpose of grilling meat and drinking beer. I value time to myself to do things that I enjoy, and generally assume that so do men.

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me because it upset him that I made more money than him, was willing to pay for dates and use the many benefits of my job to give us vacations all over the world and generally assumed that he would continue doing his usual weekly guy-hanging-out with his guy friends on Tuesday nights.

He is now seeing a woman who is over 30 years old, still lives with her parents, has been attending community college part time for more than 10 years, is semi-employed and has a history of extremely short term relationships that are highly emotionally volatile and ultimately end when she finds a new victim. She also has more than one incurable STD.

Apparently a dude with tits and vadge is not every man's style of beer.

Sounds good, but we need pix on the bolded part.

urbangirl: Maybe because we need to verbalizing about a problem in order to get it out of our system and not because we're looking for a "fix".

Not being a smart ass, honestly trying to offer a female viewpoint.

Wouldn't fixing the problem and preventing it from ever entering your system again be the best way to get it out of your system for good?



My ex was like this, but for a specific reason. Actually fixing the issue would require effort on her part. It would require her to potentially be in a less than comfortable position during the fix. By that I mean that it may require confrontation or doing something that she doesn't want to waste time on doing because it's either boring or not fun or uncomfortable. She'd rather ignore the problem in the hopes that it just stops happening so she wouldn't have to deal with it and pretend that it doesn't exist so that she wouldn't have to think about it.

Which really farking sucked when she realized that she didn't want me anymore (she never actually wanted me and was using me to escape her family situation. She loved what I represented and what I did for her, but never actually me as a person. FOR SEVEN FARKING YEARS). Instead of saying something she just spent the next couple of months growing more distant because she didn't want to actually have to go through the motions of "It's over." I had to practically force her (through direct questioning) to tell me what was going on lately and why she was behaving the way that she was.


/Jaded by the notion of love now. "Love" is a pretty farking pathetic notion when I can go from deeply in love with someone to virulently hating them with such relative ease.
//Goddamn I have issues.
///Yes, I'm biatching about it but I'm totally open to ways to solve it
////Rant over. Sorry.

CtrlAltDestroy: /Jaded by the notion of love now. "Love" is a pretty farking pathetic notion when I can go from deeply in love with someone to virulently hating them with such relative ease.

That's actually quite a normal reaction... the ones that we love the most are the ones that can hurt us the most, especially when they know every little detail, everything that they can turn against you.

And you've done the same that many have, and got burned due to a lack of honesty.

The whole cheating thing isn't limited to sex with another, and in your case, is just as bad when the other person leads a different life.mindset than the one that you believe you have with them... kinda why so many relationships ends due to online romance going on, regardless that there never been a physical contact... it's the distance between the two, the lack of honesty and such that stings so badly.

I can admit that my ex and I did the "let's be together so to escape the family or such" thing. I tried for many years to make it right, but her abuse and crap just got too much, but since I was the best she could manage, she did everything to hold me there, including going off the pill without telling me (during a "give me another chance" moment).

What I learned (with my now wife), is that "love" isn't real without trust and honesty.

Problem is, in this society with so many people doing head games, it's hard to find someone that doesn't do these things.

Those that do, are the ones that marry and stay together. My personal views are that when I got married, my oath was as much about swearing my honesty and commitment to not only my wife, but also to the relationship, as it was about loving her.

My advice: take your pain and heartbreak as a lesson, it's happened so that you know more about relationships.

My usual comments to someone that's whining about not being able to find the "right" person is that you just make yourself a (mental) list of

1) what you do NOT want (very little flexibility)
2) what you do want (flexible and can actually change quite radically)

imfallen_angel: That's actually quite a normal reaction... the ones that we love the most are the ones that can hurt us the most, especially when they know every little detail, everything that they can turn against you.

Agreed. I absolutely hate the farking truth in this image.

And you've done the same that many have, and got burned due to a lack of honesty.

The problem with honesty was in her head. She actually made herself believe that she loved me. She didn't want to be a user. She didn't want to be the kind of person who does that. So, to herself, she wasn't. She made a habit of holding a more pleasant version of reality in her mind so that she'd be happier.

Here's the quick-ish version. Her mother is controlling, two faced, and emotionally abusive. Her sister is shaping out to be like her mother and the two like to team up against her. So I came into the picture as a coworker. We were both the same kind of slightly weird and became fast friends. I was a good way to get away from her house for a while. I also didn't get scared off by being told, "I'm never doing to date you" like other guys, so that combined with the slightly weirdness, I was a point of interest too. Months go on and spent lots of time together, I was a better and better place to be aside from home.

We end up sliding into dating before we knew what was going on. I took her places, paid attention to her wants and desires and went out of my way to make her happy. She'd spend time at my house instead of going home. She became friends with my brother and he basically became a sibling that she never had, one who was kind. Her mother tries to play head games, lies about me, and tries in her nutso way to drive up apart. I was great to her. To the point where may people in her life were surprised with me. My favorite comment came from her father, who is dense as they come. Once day after I left their house he turned to her and said, "...Wow. He really loves you, doesn't he?"

Fast forward and I'm moving her to Indiana. IUPUI was looking like a great place for the both of us to go to school (continue our education, anyway) and Indianapolis was 4 hours from her mother. All through this I was her escape. She loved what I represented. Eventually things were happy in our life together. The major stresses were gone. I also stopped being a source of "new and exciting" to her during this. The initial rush of me being something that she never encountered before wore off. And when there was nothing more to escape from, the escape stops being necessary.

The whole cheating thing isn't limited to sex with another,

Emotional cheating vs physical cheating. There was emotional cheating too, aside from the whole not loving me thing, at the tail end of the "relationship". She always had more male friends than female. I was ok with this and trusted her. I kept that 1% in the back of my mind of not trusting the guy, but I always trusted her.

So, she's in her part time job in Indiana. She worked at Borders. It wasn't the best job but she liked it and she liked her coworkers. But there was the one guy. I started hearing her talk about him a lot. She talked to him, both at work and online, more than any other of her friends. I got the hint that something was majorly wrong when she was heading out to hang out with him and a couple of other girls, but didn't want me to go with. We did damn near everything together. And she was doing her thing where she danced around the issue instead of outright saying that she didn't want me to go. She only did that when she wanted to hide something.

That Borders was closing was the final chip in the armor of her lying to herself about wanting me. When the store was closing she wasn't thinking about how she'll need a new job, or how things might be tough with less income in the house, or how Borders just sucks. The only thing she could think about was how she wasn't going to see him every day. She became real distant from me after realizing that.

She was distant, I was seeing more and more red flags. I tried to talk to her about it before work one day but I couldn't stay any longer and drove to work. The half hour drive to work ate me up with worry. I called her after I arrived and tried to talk to her some more. She wasn't answering anything that I had to say. So I started to ask very direct questions. She finally admitted that she didn't want me. So there I was. I just got to work and gained the news over the phone that my relationship was over. I was a farking mess and spend the shift hiding in a mechanical room so no one would see me.

It took me about 3 months to gain a semblance of normality again. I still deeply loved her but she threw me aside when I was no longer useful to her and ran right to someone else. I took me 3 months to put myself together enough and to piece everything together.

But there is something about that which I can laugh about. This new choice of hers is hilarious. Remember how I said that she basically didn't have the guts to deal with anything and how she liked my "new and exciting"? Well, that's a continuing trend. This new guys of hers is her version of a "bad boy" but still "safe." He's 8 years older than her. Ooo, exciting! He smokes, how naughty! (she said that she could never date a smoker. Guess not). He's currently unemployed and has no education or marketable skills as a mid thirties adult. (she refused to date me until I got my lazy butt into college because she didn't want to have to struggle throughout life with finances. I'm actually kind of grateful for that. Guess that viewpoint changed.) But he has this arrogance about him. He's not outright with it but you can tell that constantly in the back of his mind is a looping soundtrack all about how awesome he is. And he's an "artist". A poor, arrogant artist! He's so c~o~o~l! Oh, and the best part. He's married. So those two have to have their fun during the day (part time job and no job, so they're both free) and watch the time because he needs to get back home before his wide does so she wont know anything. Naughty! Taboo! NEW AND EXCITING AGAIN!

Oi.

What I learned (with my now wife), is that "love" isn't real without trust and honesty.

Problem is, in this society with so many people doing head games, it's hard to find someone that doesn't do these things.

I moved the fark out of Indiana back to Illinois. I resparked a friendship with a girl who I had a slight crush on but never gave a second thought to because I was in love and I didn't want anyone else. Silly me. Anyway, we became good friends as we never really hung out much in the past. I was still recovering from what happened, but I was liking this girl more and more. She was as awesome as I had remembered and the closer I got the more I like her.

It's about a year after being dumped. Things were going GREAT for a couple of months. I finally get the courage to say something and try again... but before I get a chance to she starts to actively ignore me. I still don't know why. She's now making excuses to not be around me and started to lie to me to get out of my company. It's possible that she figured out that I was falling for her and is avoiding me so that she wont have to officially reject me. I'm trying to figure out what to do now. Be more direct and show up in person so ask what's going on, which would probably burn the bridge, or try to find some way to salvage what we had. Love farking sucks. Growing up I thought it was supposed to make you happy.

Right now I'm giving her some time from me and I'll try again soon, I guess. Purely out of curiosity I made a profile on a couple of free dating sites. I'm the "friends first and let's not try to make something happen but instead let something happen" kind of guy, but I wondered who, if anyone, would reply to my profile. After a couple of months a couple of sane sounding girls did reply. I've been talking to a couple through messages, but I don't know what I'm going to do about it just yet. Everything that's happened has left me so goddamn jaded that I don't even know if I want to try again. I sincerely hope that changes soon. I hate being this way.

My advice: take your pain and heartbreak as a lesson, it's happened so that you know more about relationships.

I am trying to see this as a learning experience. Right now, I think I'm taking the wrong things from it, though. I wont bore you with any more details, but right now I'm basically seeing how stupid I was. I'm pretty pissed at the whole foolish notion of love ad I'm hating myself for believing in it.

I hope that changes in time. I hate this version of me. For right now, I'm in the best job that I've ever had and I'm working on getting into shape. In the past my personality obviously enough to attract someone who could make me happy. So maybe when the time comes again being fit would help boost my odds.

I realize that I have problems. I know I'm a ball of self pity and anger right now. You guys don't have to point that out. Lets hope that time helps heal me.

And for some reason my own posts aren't showing up for me.

You guys obviously don't understand content mills. They're nothing but junk written by unemployed and/or third-world authors and/or ripped off of other content mills, all to generate Google hits. eHarmony and Jezebel both, for that matter.

I like Sean Connery's take on things.

CtrlAltDestroy: I am trying to see this as a learning experience. Right now, I think I'm taking the wrong things from it, though. I wont bore you with any more details, but right now I'm basically seeing how stupid I was. I'm pretty pissed at the whole foolish notion of love ad I'm hating myself for believing in it.

I hope that changes in time. I hate this version of me. For right now, I'm in the best job that I've ever had and I'm working on getting into shape. In the past my personality obviously enough to attract someone who could make me happy. So maybe when the time comes again being fit would help boost my odds.

I realize that I have problems. I know I'm a ball of self pity and anger right now. You guys don't have to point that out. Lets hope that time helps heal me.

No worries... what you are going through, many, including myself have lived something very similar...

After I ended things with the ex, I left (left the kids behind too at that point as I was a mess), the female friend that was helping me out, turned into a relationship kinda fast.... turned out that this woman messed me up more than the ex did, but then again, with the ex (turns out that she paranoid schizophrenic), it was over for a while, I had stayed for the kids for quite a while.

So I went from one bad situation to another... and ended up by myself, after losing just about everything... took me about 2 years to get myself back in gear.

Did the phone and internet chats and dating... I lived my "youth", but looking back, none of those women were worth my time.

I ended rebuilding my life, went from a basement bachelor apartment (barely 2 rooms that felt like a hole in the ground) to a third floor 2 bedroom huge apartment. Not long after that I ended up with full custody of the kids.

So there I was, single dad, 3 kids, one with an handicap... what woman would want me?... but the reality was, all this time I had, I learned that I didn't need anyone else, and a woman would be lucky to have me, as I had more than most to offer... but my philosophy was (and still is), I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.

I decided after almost 2 years single, to try dating again... so I posted an add, got a few responses, but then out of the blue, a woman that had found an old add (that I had forgotten about) from the 2 years prior, decided to contact me.

She contacted me on a Tuesday I believe, we chatted maybe twice, my terms were, no BS about phone and chats for a long time... I would refuse to do this, and I explained that after so many head games, I wanted to meet very quickly so that I could show that I was who I stated I was, and to see if the woman was also honest.

So we met the Friday, spent the weekend together, introduced the kids (as she had 2) on the Sunday, spent almost every nights together (kids were having sleepovers at each other's place), one month later we moved in together, married a year later... that was 12 years ago.

Now I am skipping a lot of details, the other women, the head games, etc. but the fact is that I learned a lot about people.

And I learned what I consider the three basic rules for a relationship.

1) I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person
2) the things that I don't want
3) the things that I do want

And a basic truth that I finally understood about myself was that I was worth something, I had plenty to offer... something that all my life prior had made me disbelieve.

My family, etc. (and my ex) had done their best to made me feel like garbage, that I should settle, etc.

And once I understood all there things, I worked hard and went from having just about nothing, to what I am and what I have today.

From a basement room apartment, to married, the kids, a house, 3 cars (one motorcycle), a very few but amazing friends, and just managed to reconnect with my sister and my niece and nephew (a long and complicated story), and told all the garbage in my previous life (one of my brothers especially) to GTFO.

All all this garbage people... their lives are empty, and they no longer feed off me, they simply got what they deserved all by themselves. The saddest part is that some are so set in their crap that they don't even see it, or what they do to others.

So yeah, you're still in your mourning phase... it's nothing bad, you just have to snap out of it at some point.

Problem isn't "love"... it's finding someone that's at the same level... and this includes friendship.

My recommendation: consider my three rules... hopefully they can help.

heili skrimsli: OgreMagi: I'd commit crimes for a cute girlfriend who understood Linux system administration enough to follow me when described my work day.

I'm female, an engineer, reasonably good looking, have about 15 years experience with Unix and am currently quite gainfully employed in designing software.

I like travel, beer, firearms, fast cars, camping, photography and getting dirty. I enjoy watching football and hockey, and often have parties at my house for the express purpose of grilling meat and drinking beer. I value time to myself to do things that I enjoy, and generally assume that so do men.

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me because it upset him that I made more money than him, was willing to pay for dates and use the many benefits of my job to give us vacations all over the world and generally assumed that he would continue doing his usual weekly guy-hanging-out with his guy friends on Tuesday nights.

He is now seeing a woman who is over 30 years old, still lives with her parents, has been attending community college part time for more than 10 years, is semi-employed and has a history of extremely short term relationships that are highly emotionally volatile and ultimately end when she finds a new victim. She also has more than one incurable STD.

Apparently a dude with tits and vadge is not every man's style of beer.

Your previous boyfriend was a complete moron. So what crime do you want me to commit?

OgreMagi: heili skrimsli: OgreMagi: I'd commit crimes for a cute girlfriend who understood Linux system administration enough to follow me when described my work day.

I'm female, an engineer, reasonably good looking, have about 15 years experience with Unix and am currently quite gainfully employed in designing software.

I like travel, beer, firearms, fast cars, camping, photography and getting dirty. I enjoy watching football and hockey, and often have parties at my house for the express purpose of grilling meat and drinking beer. I value time to myself to do things that I enjoy, and generally assume that so do men.

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me because it upset him that I made more money than him, was willing to pay for dates and use the many benefits of my job to give us vacations all over the world and generally assumed that he would continue doing his usual weekly guy-hanging-out with his guy friends on Tuesday nights.

He is now seeing a woman who is over 30 years old, still lives with her parents, has been attending community college part time for more than 10 years, is semi-employed and has a history of extremely short term relationships that are highly emotionally volatile and ultimately end when she finds a new victim. She also has more than one incurable STD.

Apparently a dude with tits and vadge is not every man's style of beer.

Your previous boyfriend was a complete moron. So what crime do you want me to commit?

LOLs from both me and Mrs. Homely. Name your first ten kids after me. :-D

MeSoHomely: OgreMagi: heili skrimsli: OgreMagi: I'd commit crimes for a cute girlfriend who understood Linux system administration enough to follow me when described my work day.

I'm female, an engineer, reasonably good looking, have about 15 years experience with Unix and am currently quite gainfully employed in designing software.

I like travel, beer, firearms, fast cars, camping, photography and getting dirty. I enjoy watching football and hockey, and often have parties at my house for the express purpose of grilling meat and drinking beer. I value time to myself to do things that I enjoy, and generally assume that so do men.

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me because it upset him that I made more money than him, was willing to pay for dates and use the many benefits of my job to give us vacations all over the world and generally assumed that he would continue doing his usual weekly guy-hanging-out with his guy friends on Tuesday nights.

He is now seeing a woman who is over 30 years old, still lives with her parents, has been attending community college part time for more than 10 years, is semi-employed and has a history of extremely short term relationships that are highly emotionally volatile and ultimately end when she finds a new victim. She also has more than one incurable STD.

Apparently a dude with tits and vadge is not every man's style of beer.

Your previous boyfriend was a complete moron. So what crime do you want me to commit?

LOLs from both me and Mrs. Homely. Name your first ten kids after me. :-D

I'm fairly certain Heili is not interested in an older, average looking, Harley riding, divorced Linux geek.

/I'm being generous to myself by saying I am average looking

susansto-helit: I have to admit that #4 really pisses me off. I cannot control when I start crying, so don't accuse me of using it as a weapon when I do.

See this is the BS. You admit that when your crying your not in control of it... your emotions are literally physically controlling you, yet I'm expected to have a rational response and or conversation. That makes no sense.

heili skrimsli: ThatGuyFromTheInternet: Sounds good, but we need pix on the bolded part.

That can be arranged.

OgreMagi: Your previous boyfriend was a complete moron. So what crime do you want me to commit?

None. All I want is a smart, sane, reasonably attractive guy who is gainfully employed enough to pay his own bills, and who won't complain about my guns, beer, or expectation that he still hang out with his own friends so we can both have some damn space.

OgreMagi: I'm fairly certain Heili is not interested in an older, average looking, Harley riding, divorced Linux geek.

/I'm being generous to myself by saying I am average looking

How old?
Not a problem as long as I learn to ride and get a motorcycle of my own.
Do you have kids?

/What, you have a hump back and green teeth or something?

See OgreMagi!! There is hope for you, as there was for me. The fact that I ride (Suzuki Boulevard, as I need the radiator for riding in rush hour traffic) was only an issue until she realized that my ride wasn't a crotch rocket. Being an Engineer has made things interesting at times, but not impossible.

/No riding with the Mrs for a while, as today is the official start of the third trimester--but she plans to get back on after she recovers and we find a sitter.

//Ya'll just do a little chatting offline and see if you kids can work it out. My only (unsolicited) advice on that is to be honest about yourselves and avoid the surprises that too many people leave for later. The Mrs and I set out to know each other before we even met in person, and we feel it was the best way to go.

CtrlAltDestroy: I realize that I have problems. I know I'm a ball of self pity and anger right now. You guys don't have to point that out. Lets hope that time helps heal me.

Your attitude toward love, relationships and women is the problem. This may sound harsh, but the problem is you, not them. I say this because you will be a lot happier once you realize that the power to change your relationship patterns lies with you. You do not need to change the world, change women, or change the culture. You need to change yourself -- your way of thinking, your assumptions, beliefs, your expectations, etc.

You sound like a nice guy. Women are dating you, then getting bored with you, then either avoiding your desire to connect (which is stronger than hers) or actively searching out men who they find to be more exciting.

This is what you need to understand -- women have two independent biochemical systems in their brains. Not one. Two.

One builds a feeling of lust, excitement, desire, etc. This is the dopamine pathway. Some women are positively addicted to it, the way some men are. They are the thrill seekers. But most of us are in the middle, where we enjoy variety and newness but are not addicted to an ever-escalating sensation of excitement. These are the kinds of people you want to date.

The other system is the oxytocin circuit. Oxytocin affects a woman's feelings of contentment, calmness, security, trust, etc. This is the nesting neurotransmitter. It is part of why we feel connected and devoted to our mates.

It sounds like you have amply stimulated your girlfriends' production of oxytocin but not their dopamine. When you do that, you will eventually be told "Let's just be friends." Or, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." That's what those phrases mean. They say "You trigger ample oxytocin, but insufficient dopamine." That's the biochemical basis for those oft-heard sentiments.

Some basic tips --

You have to be more careful calibrating your level of commitment. Women measure commitment levels like a diamond merchant measures carat weight. Don't show more commitment and devotion to a woman than she is already showing to you. That reeks of neediness. It's a dopamine-killer.

The antidote is to always maintain at least the theoretical possibility that OTHER WOMEN find you attractive. You could still be the most 100% loyal person around (and loyalty is a genuine virtue), but if your girlfriend becomes convinced that you have ZERO other dating options, at least on the horizon, if you should decide to break up with her ... she will leave you. Demonstrating that you are desirable to other women is the No. 1, All-Time, Super-Magic-Bullet Cure-All solution to getting a girlfriend and keeping her interested in you.

Also, get some practice keeping things light, fun, unserious. Dating is supposed to be fun. Practice your banter by talking to lots of women with absolutely no intention of asking them out.

You do not need to reinvent your personality, take up smoking, ride motorcycles and start a life of crime. You probably just need to increase your fun factor with women a little bit. Be playful, teasing, a little outrageous. A little of this goes a long way. You really don't need to be a loudmouth douche, but there's a reason loudmouth douches seem to have less trouble attracting women -- they have the ability to add variety and excitement to male-female social situations.

Sorry about your girlfriend from Borders. You can rest easy in the knowledge that her relationship with that unemployed married douchebag is utterly and unavoidably doomed.

heili skrimsli: ThatGuyFromTheInternet: Sounds good, but we need pix on the bolded part.

That can be arranged.

OgreMagi: Your previous boyfriend was a complete moron. So what crime do you want me to commit?

None. All I want is a smart, sane, reasonably attractive guy who is gainfully employed enough to pay his own bills, and who won't complain about my guns, beer, or expectation that he still hang out with his own friends so we can both have some damn space.

OgreMagi: I'm fairly certain Heili is not interested in an older, average looking, Harley riding, divorced Linux geek.

/I'm being generous to myself by saying I am average looking

How old?
Not a problem as long as I learn to ride and get a motorcycle of my own.
Do you have kids?

/What, you have a hump back and green teeth or something?

53. No kids, unless you count my stepdaughter who I don't talk to.

heili skrimsli: ThatGuyFromTheInternet: Sounds good, but we need pix on the bolded part.

That can be arranged.

OgreMagi: Your previous boyfriend was a complete moron. So what crime do you want me to commit?

None. All I want is a smart, sane, reasonably attractive guy who is gainfully employed enough to pay his own bills, and who won't complain about my guns, beer, or expectation that he still hang out with his own friends so we can both have some damn space.

OgreMagi: I'm fairly certain Heili is not interested in an older, average looking, Harley riding, divorced Linux geek.

/I'm being generous to myself by saying I am average looking

How old?
Not a problem as long as I learn to ride and get a motorcycle of my own.
Do you have kids?

/What, you have a hump back and green teeth or something?

I think you will do well here.

heili skrimsli: OgreMagi: 53. No kids, unless you count my stepdaughter who I don't talk to.

I'm 34. Just within the 'half your age plus 7' standard. Stepdaughter doesn't count for these purposes.

I forgot to mention, I like target shooting and I'm not intimidated by a successful woman. That means she can buy cool geek gifts for special occasion! :)

EIP

What hump?

heili skrimsli: ThatGuyFromTheInternet: I think you will do well here.

I do well around nerds, freaks, and guys who can't understand women. It's always easier to be among your own kind. Except y'know, I lack a penis.

OgreMagi: I forgot to mention, I like target shooting and I'm not intimidated by a successful woman. That means she can buy cool geek gifts for special occasion! :)

EIP

What hump?


So is this where I send you unsolicited BIE?

/my humps are on the front.

Um, er. I'm trying to be classy here, but you are making that difficut. All guys like boobies. Even gay guys like boobies. Also, if you ask me if I want BIE, it's not unsolicited.

heili skrimsli: OgreMagi: heili skrimsli: ThatGuyFromTheInternet: I think you will do well here.

I do well around nerds, freaks, and guys who can't understand women. It's always easier to be among your own kind. Except y'know, I lack a penis.

OgreMagi: I forgot to mention, I like target shooting and I'm not intimidated by a successful woman. That means she can buy cool geek gifts for special occasion! :)

EIP

What hump?


So is this where I send you unsolicited BIE?

/my humps are on the front.

Um, er. I'm trying to be classy here, but you are making that difficut. All guys like boobies. Even gay guys like boobies. Also, if you ask me if I want BIE, it's not unsolicited.

Domain not responding!?

I'll just leave this potentially NSFW link here... Link

/Don't click if you work in a place where people are easily offended.

You're distracting me while I'm trying to verify mail routing is working properly! We're staging a new code release and have to check every little damn thing before the actual production release on Monday. On top of that we're having a power outage over the weekend that requires me to take down all our systems on Friday evening and bring them back up on Sunday evening.

heili skrimsli: OgreMagi:
You're distracting me while I'm trying to verify mail routing is working properly! We're staging a new code release and have to check every little damn thing before the actual production release on Monday. On top of that we're having a power outage over the weekend that requires me to take down all our systems on Friday evening and bring them back up on Sunday evening.

Sorry, I"m fighting my own code release issues (developers merging shiat into my builds that doesn't work!) and using the distraction to alleviate the stress they have caused me.

EIP. Feel free to hit me later.

I didn't say being distracted was a bad thing.