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(Jezebel)   36 terrible sex tips for men. Your all inclusive guide to quickly ending a relationship   (jezebel.com) divider line 144
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39631 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Jul 2012 at 1:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-07-03 09:43:16 AM
33 votes:
Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.
2012-07-03 09:54:55 AM
19 votes:
"Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Hell, I use this on most first dates. Of course, by the time I get around to whipping out my Nutella-junk, it's all sweaty and lousy with lint.
2012-07-03 03:21:48 PM
14 votes:

Strategeryz0r: How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.

Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.



s3.amazonaws.com
2012-07-03 06:30:41 AM
13 votes:
Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."


So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.
2012-07-03 10:45:44 AM
10 votes:
i881.photobucket.com

/ oblig
2012-07-03 01:48:35 PM
9 votes:
9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."

Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast.

/Or muffins
2012-07-03 01:14:44 PM
9 votes:
They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"
2012-07-03 10:16:39 AM
9 votes:
Weird, "terrible sex tip" is my pet name for the last half of my penis.
2012-07-03 02:40:44 PM
8 votes:
FTA - 31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Listen my fellow gentlemen, this is not proper behavior.

What you just did is wrong. Wrong in so many ways.

Next time, be a bit more considerate to everybody around you and get a spoon, put the spoon in the Nutella jar, then apply the Nutella to your chap with the spoon.

/you are welcome
2012-07-03 02:22:39 PM
8 votes:
37) Fill your bed with potatoes.
38) Bring back that feeling of when you first started courting: Make love in a car - parked in her parents' driveway! (Or cemetary parking lot if they're deceased)
39) Two words: Burlap sheets.
40) One word: Stilts.
41) Nothing says hot, wet sexy fun like a lake in Florida in the summertime.
42) Bang pots and pans together clangorously when you sense your partner reaching orgasm. Some people refer to this as the "scaregasm".
43) Foreplay: Every player strips down and is armed with a roll of sticky tape; the objective being to use strips of sticky tape to remove hair from one of the other players. Eventually everyone will have gone to Brazil and then the smooth, sexy fun can start. Note: This can involve a lot of running and screaming, so proper hydration is a must!
44) Media can set the mood: Vacation slideshows rescued from rubbish tips and estate sales can take you "around the world".
45) The importance of a safe word: Make sure this is well establish beforehand. Good choices are "ouch", "harder" and "honorificabilitudinitatibus".

Have fun!
2012-07-03 08:40:43 AM
8 votes:
Mutant Sperm would be a good band name.
2012-07-03 06:51:53 AM
8 votes:

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


It's worth the risk. If you find the one that doesn't freak out, put a ring on it.
2012-07-03 03:13:52 PM
7 votes:


How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


get one of those dentist sucky-things and tape it to your johnson?
2012-07-03 01:36:35 PM
7 votes:
25. "Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman.

Hey Gorilla, your sex play is vanilla!
2012-07-03 01:22:57 PM
7 votes:

Porous Horace: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.


Maybe the idea is to tie it to your di*k after you cook it?
2012-07-03 11:32:20 AM
7 votes:

wyltoknow: Hey there sweetheart, what say you go get the ol' Brazilian on that unruly mop of yours so that I can show you some real penis-pleasure?


I hope everyone is taking notes, cause THAT's how you sweet talk.
2012-07-03 09:49:56 AM
7 votes:
Lick the palm? Just do what I do. Rip your shirt off, grunt and show your dominance by peeing on her. She'll be impressed by your alpha status and will immediately present her anus.

/ every crazy lady I've ever known has a stack of Cosmos
// Maxim is Cosmo for dudes
2012-07-03 09:02:38 AM
7 votes:
Reduce dating advice to science. B*tches love science.
2012-07-03 08:22:38 AM
7 votes:
Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"
2012-07-03 03:40:57 PM
6 votes:

qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike


I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.
2012-07-03 01:32:38 PM
6 votes:
Their mistake was separating them into 36 different tips. These only work if you do them all at the same time.
2012-07-03 01:09:24 PM
6 votes:

the_rev: Mutant Sperm would be a good band name.


Their first album: "Demon Seed"
2012-07-03 01:13:06 PM
5 votes:
12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.
2012-07-03 08:07:46 AM
5 votes:

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


Hey girl, there's a 20% chance you're going to enjoy this.
2012-07-03 05:47:02 PM
4 votes:

Talondel: spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"

Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


Star Wars had the best:
'You came in that thing? You're braver that I thought'
2012-07-03 03:08:39 PM
4 votes:

Strategeryz0r: OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"



Mop?
2012-07-03 02:42:55 PM
4 votes:

theorellior: Also--

To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to "stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes."


That "tip" stuck out for me as well. Nothing gets me ready to go than ice-cold feet on my wang.
2012-07-03 01:56:32 PM
4 votes:
I'll have to alter my sex fantasy scenario to include forcing a live vibrator into George Foreman's mouth.
2012-07-03 01:19:44 PM
4 votes:
www.morethings.com

Sex tips from this guy.

/you've 'ad sex, right?
//wot's it like?
2012-07-03 01:17:56 PM
4 votes:

Jake Havechek: So 19% of women do want you to attempt anal sex without asking?


I find that this varies slightly depending on if you are already having normal sex with her or you attempt it in a dimly lit area without introducing yourself first.
M-G
2012-07-03 01:06:21 PM
4 votes:
Men's Health has tips for sex with women? I can picture all their readers pointing it out to their friends as proof they're straight, before they go back to looking at those pics of glistening men.

/NTTAWTT
2012-07-03 01:04:48 PM
4 votes:
37. remove your dick completely prior to every thrust. this will ensure it breaks
2012-07-03 11:12:20 AM
4 votes:
Hey there sweetheart, what say you go get the ol' Brazilian on that unruly mop of yours so that I can show you some real penis-pleasure?
2012-07-03 08:45:10 AM
4 votes:
this is going to get ugly, and we will be lucky to live though it, etc
2012-07-03 08:29:19 AM
4 votes:

BurnShrike: Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"


When I get tired but the girl isn't finished my mutant sperm can finish the job for me. Win win.
2012-07-03 07:19:12 AM
4 votes:
Are you supposed to know, or have introduced the woman before you lick the hand? I ask because of.. a friend, yes, a friend wants to know. I didn't just try it on a random stranger. No...
2012-07-03 05:16:43 PM
3 votes:

Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.
2012-07-03 02:13:17 PM
3 votes:

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: I can't get over the mental image that the phrase "her vagina is George Foreman" presents.


Could be worse.

Her vagina could be Don King.
2012-07-03 02:07:21 PM
3 votes:
Nothing on modified wooden toilet rollers?

Wow. Just, wow.


Question for the gay guys who enjoy giving blowjobs: spit, swallow or pull off and watch?
2012-07-03 01:58:22 PM
3 votes:

cig-mkr: To quickly end a relationship, after you finish, jump up and wipe your dick on the curtainscat.


/could possibly end your life too, depending on cat
2012-07-03 01:33:26 PM
3 votes:
Always meditate to regain mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
2012-07-03 01:27:57 PM
3 votes:
12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!
2012-07-03 01:26:58 PM
3 votes:
i50.tinypic.com
2012-07-03 01:05:36 PM
3 votes:

GAT_00: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

Hey girl, there's a 20% chance you're going to enjoy this.


That, added to the 90% chance the guy will enjoy it, adds up to 110%!
2012-07-03 10:27:44 AM
3 votes:
"Your post-run sweat has androstadienone... that spikes her arousal when she smells it."

3.bp.blogspot.com
2012-07-03 07:25:55 AM
3 votes:
Mop.
2012-07-03 10:14:59 PM
2 votes:

Raspil: this is the stupidest goddamn post in this thread


Why yes, yes it is.
mhd
2012-07-03 09:10:38 PM
2 votes:
To get the usual suspects out of the way, a selection of top movie quotes that work in a sexual situation:

Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night.

What we've got here is failure to communicate.

The stuff that dreams are made of.

Rosebud.

Made it, Ma! Top of the world!

There's no place like home.

I am big! It's the pictures that got small.

Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

Plastics.

Well, nobody's perfect.

It's alive! It's alive!

A boy's best friend is his mother.

As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.

Say "hello" to my little friend!

Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.

Here's Johnny!

Is it safe?

No wire hangers, ever!

Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac...It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!

I feel the need - the need for speed!
2012-07-03 05:42:32 PM
2 votes:

imontheinternet: MythDragon: The best move ever is the 'bobsled'. This is when you are farking a girl doggy style on top of a long staircase. You then grab her arms and ride her down.

Don't forget to yell, "COOL RUNNINGS!"


Feel the rhythm!
Feel the rhyme!
Get on up, it's bobsled time!
2012-07-03 05:36:03 PM
2 votes:
Step 1) Find the clitoris
Step 2) ???
Step 3) Orgasms...orgasms everywhere!
2012-07-03 05:26:09 PM
2 votes:

Talondel: spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"

Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


"Oh you want the truth, baby? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
2012-07-03 05:15:36 PM
2 votes:

Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


That's it, man! Game over, man, game over! What are we gonna do?
2012-07-03 05:10:41 PM
2 votes:

spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"


Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.
2012-07-03 04:34:46 PM
2 votes:

Prevailing Wind: Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this

So...I see this has turned into some bizarre sexual epeen thread mixed up with guys wanting some sort of help and self affirmation?

Oh for farks sake.

This stuff...these numbers and ratios...its making my head hurt. So guys, huddle up here. Are the ladies gone? Good. This is just a little advice for the fellas.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS shiat!

She agreed to have sex with you. The hard part is done. Stop being a panty-waist and take control of the situation.

1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

2) If she CAN think clearly after #1 and want's some ...


Now you just stop using common sense right now. This is Fark and there's no room for common sense here. And don't you know that young guys learn all the need to know about sex from porn, where the woman starts coming as soon as the male star touches her and doesn't stop until the money shot, at which time, she coos like she's just seen god?
2012-07-03 03:56:52 PM
2 votes:

spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"


The best move ever is the 'bobsled'. This is when you are farking a girl doggy style on top of a long staircase. You then grab her arms and ride her down. Just be careful you don't slip out. If you catch your willy on a step on the way down, you may hear a very disconcerting 'crack' followed by a searing pain in the groinal area. Trust me on this. This is a tough one to explain to the doctor.

Also for those with staircases that change directions, make sure you shift your body wieght so you make the turn. You don't want to explain to the doctor how she has a concusion and you have your front teeth broken off in the back of her head.

Also make sure your girl has a sense of humor. You don't want to explain to the docto why you have no penis.
2012-07-03 03:51:01 PM
2 votes:

Persnickety: qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike

I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.


The real question is why he ever left girlfriend 5?
2012-07-03 03:46:39 PM
2 votes:
Why are google ads for this thread offering me a degree in Bible studies???
2012-07-03 03:43:09 PM
2 votes:

JackieRabbit: one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way.


Do not ever say "tummy" and "bottom" when talking about sex. Thank you.
2012-07-03 03:40:48 PM
2 votes:

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: I can't get over the mental image that the phrase "her vagina is George Foreman" presents.


Yeah. I just know that the next time my girlfriend is feeling in the mood, everything will be going well, we'll be getting serious then all of a sudden BAM! George Foreman will pop into my head. And then I'll be entirely unable to explain why I just want to cuddle tonight.
2012-07-03 03:23:59 PM
2 votes:

ProfessorOhki: Strategeryz0r: How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.

Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.


[s3.amazonaws.com image 487x340]


You owe me 1 keyboard.
2012-07-03 03:19:34 PM
2 votes:
Well none of this stuff matters once you get a few roofie coladas in them.
2012-07-03 03:11:52 PM
2 votes:

lunchinlewis: Strategeryz0r: OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


Mop?


AAAAAND we're done here.
2012-07-03 02:27:46 PM
2 votes:
37) Don't forget the donkey punch when you've successfully gone in for the surprise buttsex. Since she'll be so busy yelling about the wrong hole she won't even notice you winding up for the right cross!
2012-07-03 01:54:49 PM
2 votes:
To quickly end a relationship, after you finish, jump up and wipe your dick on the curtains.
2012-07-03 01:36:03 PM
2 votes:
2012-07-03 01:33:18 PM
2 votes:

Scarrio: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!


I had a patient say something similar to me once.

"So, what brings you in today?"
"It's about my jizz."
"What?"
"My girl says my jizz tastes funny."
2012-07-03 01:29:40 PM
2 votes:
"Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse."

Uh, that's not my definition of "facial intercourse".

/Nor the porn industry's.
2012-07-03 01:11:17 PM
2 votes:
"...we snuck off to a side room, where I gave him a killer blowjob. By the time I was finished, there was a crowd of people watching, which had always been a huge fantasy of mine."
2012-07-03 01:06:26 PM
2 votes:
32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.
2012-07-03 11:55:10 AM
2 votes:
I can't get over the mental image that the phrase "her vagina is George Foreman" presents.
2012-07-03 10:43:25 AM
2 votes:

BurnShrike: 15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"


southparkstudios-intl.mtvnimages.com

My eyes are up here.
2012-07-03 10:16:54 AM
2 votes:

MrBallou: Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.

So I should prime my wife with a little "cream" in her coffee?

All hail Pocket Ninja: Idea/Wordsmith extraordinaire. (not snark - sincere).


As I've said before, this is his world, we just live in it.
2012-07-03 09:46:27 AM
2 votes:
Pocket Ninja, do you write for Penthouse Forum as your day job?

/*golf clap*
2012-07-05 12:56:39 AM
1 votes:

runcible spork: random guess: /Shameless plug?

That's another sex toy marital aid, isn't it?


Bahahaha ya got me boy do I feel dumb!
2012-07-04 04:46:12 AM
1 votes:

kiwichan: qualtrough: Dr J Zoidberg: Persnickety: qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike

I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.

The real question is why he ever left girlfriend 5?

I sometimes find myself asking that too.

[img2.ranker.com image 323x323]


Dayaammm! So much for me sleeping tonight. She is that nightmare woman that comes up to you at a party and says "We are soulmates, don't you feel it?"
2012-07-04 04:06:20 AM
1 votes:

qualtrough: Dr J Zoidberg: Persnickety: qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike

I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.

The real question is why he ever left girlfriend 5?

I sometimes find myself asking that too.


img2.ranker.com
2012-07-04 04:03:23 AM
1 votes:

AmazinTim: "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Hell, I use this on most first dates. Of course, by the time I get around to whipping out my Nutella-junk, it's all sweaty and lousy with lint.


Like I wasn't turned on enough from the image of a naked man sauntering towards me brandishing a penis covered with sticky brown goo. Now you have to get kinky and add lint.
2012-07-04 03:56:23 AM
1 votes:

Pocket Ninja: She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


She is smiling because she is now planning on how to introduce you to the little known joys of surprise genital waxing. Sleep tight.
2012-07-04 02:28:37 AM
1 votes:

Dr J Zoidberg: Persnickety: qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike

I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.

The real question is why he ever left girlfriend 5?


I sometimes find myself asking that too.
2012-07-04 01:20:22 AM
1 votes:

BurnShrike: Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"


Remember the guy from a week or two ago that had the 100 lb testicles? I know a guy who had the same problem, although it was treated long before they got to -that- size. But even once the fluid is drained and the problem corrected, you still have an enormous amount of ball sack skin left over. So, "Balls" as we call him (and we call his fiancee the soon to be Mrs Balls), has a freaking enormous ballsack. And yes, he loves to show it off when he gets drunk (probably when he doesn't, either, but when everyone's sober we can stop him). And it's about 6 regular ballsacks worth of ballsack.
2012-07-03 10:08:43 PM
1 votes:

PsiChick: /Amazingly enough, creeping women out results in restraining orders.


NOW YOU TELL ME

;)
2012-07-03 09:47:34 PM
1 votes:

Raspil: this is the stupidest goddamn post in this thread


n00b
2012-07-03 07:19:02 PM
1 votes:

MythDragon: 'You came in that thing? You're braver that I thought'


Other Star Wars lines:

Back door huh? Good idea!

I'm afraid our little friend has gone an done something rather rash.

At that speed do you think we'll be able to pull out in time?

Get in there you furry oaf, I don't care what you smell.

And I thought the smelled bad, on the outside.

Control, Control, you must learn Control!


My wife suggests that nearly all of Full Metal Jacket could work, with her personal favorites being:

Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy farking walrus-looking piece of shiat! Get the fark off of [me]! Get the fark down off of [me]! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world!

I bet you're the kind of guy that would fark a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you.

Well, any farking time, sweetheart!

Bullshiat! Get on your knees scumbag!

Now choke yourself.

Don't pull my farking hand over there!

I think we finally found something that you do well.

Do you feel dizzy? Do you feel faint! Jesus H. Christ! I think you've got a hard-on!

You little scumbag! I got your name! I got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you! Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best unfark yourself or I will unscrew your head and shiat down your neck!

Five dollars is all my mom will let me spend.


But then, my wife has a weird sense of humor.
2012-07-03 06:27:20 PM
1 votes:

Jon iz teh kewl: 37. remove your dick completely prior to every thrust. this will ensure it breaks


Why did you have to remind me?!? 8 inch strokes with a 6 inch willy is a recipe for disaster.
2012-07-03 05:57:37 PM
1 votes:

Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.


Another chick here. And seconded. In fact, everything said in that post from Prevailing Wind is basically the worst possible advice I've ever heard seriously given.
2012-07-03 05:51:21 PM
1 votes:

Benni K Rok: Here's sex advice I can assure you will work once your partner says okay, let's do this.

1. Ask what they want.

That is all.


Her: I don't care, what do you want?
2012-07-03 05:50:27 PM
1 votes:

Gelatinous: 21. Take a pearl necklace and "...lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation."

Holiday edition:
Take a string of popcorn and "...lightly coat the popcorn and your penis with melted butter. Have your partner wrap the popcorn around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation... pop... Pop... POP! Merry Christmas!!"


Weird. Usualy I *leave* a pearl necklace.
2012-07-03 05:42:00 PM
1 votes:
21. Take a pearl necklace and "...lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation."

Holiday edition:
Take a string of popcorn and "...lightly coat the popcorn and your penis with melted butter. Have your partner wrap the popcorn around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation... pop... Pop... POP! Merry Christmas!!"
2012-07-03 05:26:50 PM
1 votes:

Salt Lick Steady: Talondel: spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"

Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.

"Oh you want the truth, baby? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"


I think ASSSS YOUUU WISSSSHHHH covers about anything in the bedroom.
2012-07-03 05:25:15 PM
1 votes:

Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


I'd buy that for a dollar!
2012-07-03 04:33:02 PM
1 votes:
This article and I have a VERY different definition of facial intercourse.
2012-07-03 04:23:03 PM
1 votes:
Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this


So...I see this has turned into some bizarre sexual epeen thread mixed up with guys wanting some sort of help and self affirmation?

Oh for farks sake.

This stuff...these numbers and ratios...its making my head hurt. So guys, huddle up here. Are the ladies gone? Good. This is just a little advice for the fellas.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS shiat!

She agreed to have sex with you. The hard part is done. Stop being a panty-waist and take control of the situation.

1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

2) If she CAN think clearly after #1 and want's some more then you sort of punish her for the audacity. I'm not 20 anymore. If she's going to make me work then I'm going to make her pay. I switch from "I'm farking you" mode to "I'm grudge farking you" mode. You keep going until she cums so many times that she begs you to stop and then you keep going some more. In essence you don't stop until she either uses her safe word or shes a sobbing wet incoherent mess.

3) How do you accomplish 1 and 2? First, stop worry about whether or not you're good in bed. It looks weak and pathetic cause it is weak and pathetic. Women, in general, do not find weak and pathetic sexy. So just effing stop it! If she didn't want it, she wouldn't be there. Second, unless you can make your dick vibrate at 6000 oscillations per minute, use toys. I recommend the HITACHI MAGIC WAND. I put that in caps because its that important. I recommend anal beads. I recommend snake bite kits, rope, vapor locking, spanking, pulling hair...whatever. Go all alpha on her. She coulda stopped at one set but she asked for more. Make. A. farking. Impression.

Yes there is a place and time for gentle...its after its all over.

There. I just saved all of Farkdome from mediocre sex.



/snakebite kits come with three little yellow suction cups. Two large and one small. Put them where you think you would put them.
//knew you would ask.
///you're welcome
2012-07-03 04:11:29 PM
1 votes:

BurnShrike: Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"


i47.tinypic.com
2012-07-03 04:07:41 PM
1 votes:

MythDragon: The best move ever is the 'bobsled'. This is when you are farking a girl doggy style on top of a long staircase. You then grab her arms and ride her down.


Don't forget to yell, "COOL RUNNINGS!"
2012-07-03 04:07:15 PM
1 votes:

feffer: JackieRabbit: one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way.

Do not ever say "tummy" and "bottom" when talking about sex. Thank you.


So "tum tum" and "fudge factory" then?
2012-07-03 04:02:09 PM
1 votes:
From TFA:
9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."
And according to my research, it tastes crunchy and delicious.


Canadians know that the smell of burnt toast is a sign of imminent seizures.
2012-07-03 04:00:54 PM
1 votes:
6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."
i4.photobucket.com
"You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick her palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school."
2012-07-03 03:53:12 PM
1 votes:

LaraAmber: Clorox wipes


A-farking-men.

Oh. You mean for the liberator, not the kid? Okay. :)
2012-07-03 03:45:22 PM
1 votes:

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Fairly accurate. My wife takes an inordinate amount of amusement in how quick I climax when she tells me that she just isn't going to that night and I should just go ahead and do what i need to. On some nights she even gets the whole sentence out before I do.

And for the record "Team Surprise Anal Sex" is my new favorite band name.
2012-07-03 03:40:59 PM
1 votes:
30. "Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay... when you do them, that is."
Yes, because when she does them, it counts as a woman doing the work she's goddamn supposed to be doing.


Is there supposed to be a joke in there somewhere? 'Cause I don't ... see ...
2012-07-03 03:27:37 PM
1 votes:

JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.


Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.
2012-07-03 03:02:06 PM
1 votes:

El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.


You like your partners young, eh?

[pedobearapproved.jpg]
2012-07-03 02:48:00 PM
1 votes:

titwrench: High giving your buddies because you managed to get a half passed out sorority girl to agree to a Brazilian Flapjack in between vomiting fits does not make you a good lover.


But it might lead to your buddies wanting to try it too next time you're drunk at the frat house together.
2012-07-03 02:42:42 PM
1 votes:
#38 if you read about a "move" on Urban Dictionary don't try it. High giving your buddies because you managed to get a half passed out sorority girl to agree to a Brazilian Flapjack in between vomiting fits does not make you a good lover.
2012-07-03 02:41:25 PM
1 votes:

imontheinternet: Strategeryz0r: Here it is: "Look her in the eyes when you speak to her, and talk to her like a human farking being."

Also, ask her questions. Specifically, the questions she hints that she wants you to ask, so that she can keep talking.

Bonus: Once you've figured out what the next question is, you don't have to listen anymore. Just wait for a long pause and fire at will.


That's it!

We're writing a book on how to pickup women together. We shall be MILLIONAIRES!!
2012-07-03 02:39:17 PM
1 votes:

Strategeryz0r: Here it is: "Look her in the eyes when you speak to her, and talk to her like a human farking being."


Also, ask her questions. Specifically, the questions she hints that she wants you to ask, so that she can keep talking.

Bonus: Once you've figured out what the next question is, you don't have to listen anymore. Just wait for a long pause and fire at will.
2012-07-03 02:36:21 PM
1 votes:
29. "Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button. Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal."
And her boobs will be minty fresh!


I do it with toothpaste.
2012-07-03 02:34:02 PM
1 votes:

Dustin_00: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

A surprising 29 percent of women want you to attempt anal sex without asking -- that's almost 1 in 3!


A math major, right?
2012-07-03 02:31:17 PM
1 votes:
27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

A surprising 29 percent of women want you to attempt anal sex without asking -- that's almost 1 in 3!
2012-07-03 02:17:02 PM
1 votes:

nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.


I think I've just found two new favorites!
2012-07-03 02:13:53 PM
1 votes:
Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse.

This only ends two ways- a slap followed by a restraining order or vomiting on each other.
2012-07-03 02:10:04 PM
1 votes:
Lenny: Yeah, you must be some kind of marriage super-genius, how about a few tips?

Homer: Certainly, Lenford. Make every day a celebration of your love. Surprise her with a pasta-salad. Put a mini-beret on your wang.

Lenny: Oh, this stuff is gold.

Carl: Happy marriage, here I come.
2012-07-03 02:09:55 PM
1 votes:

captjc: [i50.tinypic.com image 510x365]


i50.tinypic.com

1.bp.blogspot.com

what is that from that so completely rips animation off from Beauty and the Beast?
2012-07-03 02:02:46 PM
1 votes:
Mop?
Pop your chap?

Who wrote this thing?
2012-07-03 02:02:31 PM
1 votes:

IlGreven: The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.


I'm not so sure about that. However, fortunately for the ladies, those men also smell strongly of Axe.
2012-07-03 02:00:39 PM
1 votes:
Should have been entitled "How to End Up Mournfully Whacking Off and Yelling Names in No Time".
2012-07-03 02:00:26 PM
1 votes:

tricycleracer: ObscureNameHere: miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'

But 60% of the time my girlfriend requests anal every time.


I didn't realize hands came with assholes these days. Incredible times we're in.
2012-07-03 01:57:55 PM
1 votes:

AirForceVet: OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.


Well, the thing is, they have the same sorts of tips for women's magazines. The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.
2012-07-03 01:53:33 PM
1 votes:

indarwinsshadow: I know I'm getting older and my eyes aren't what they used to be, but for some reason, I thought the tag said "Lezebel".


Close enough.
2012-07-03 01:48:54 PM
1 votes:

AirForceVet: OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.


this will will reduce competition for the article writer. If only he can get enough guys to follow them, he will TOTALLY get laid. this millennium.
2012-07-03 01:42:00 PM
1 votes:

ObscureNameHere: miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'


But 60% of the time my girlfriend requests anal every time.
2012-07-03 01:41:00 PM
1 votes:

miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'
2012-07-03 01:38:17 PM
1 votes:
27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

Key is to find the 19%
2012-07-03 01:37:25 PM
1 votes:
the ultimate break-up facilitator

/dutch-oven!
2012-07-03 01:36:08 PM
1 votes:

bim1154: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

Mine calls me "oh God".



Hitachi Magic Wand. All I'm saying.
2012-07-03 01:35:43 PM
1 votes:

Sword and Shield: Scarrio: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!

I had a patient say something similar to me once.

"So, what brings you in today?"
"It's about my jizz."
"What?"
"My girl says my jizz tastes funny."


Did you send him to the bathroom with some porn and a urine cup to "bring you a sample for testing?".
2012-07-03 01:30:49 PM
1 votes:

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Mine calls me "oh God".
2012-07-03 01:28:53 PM
1 votes:
Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.
2012-07-03 01:28:46 PM
1 votes:
"Try facial intercourse"

//I call that a BJ in my house and after marriage became a less common event.
2012-07-03 01:26:59 PM
1 votes:

Porous Horace: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.


Asparagus would be the last thing I'd eat before an evening of hard sex. Makes my pee smell like sulfur.
2012-07-03 01:25:45 PM
1 votes:

The Bunyip: "The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt" -- so offer to spray some on her back.


Now we can go with the obvious shooting semen onto her back, or I can assume that you carry around cups of Dannon on your person just saving them for the moment when her back lays unprotected and you rip off the lid and dump that chunky semi-liquid strawberry dairy product all over her.
2012-07-03 01:23:09 PM
1 votes:
...ANNNNNNND my new screen name will be "Team Surprise Anal"
2012-07-03 01:15:45 PM
1 votes:

Jon iz teh kewl: 37. remove your dick completely prior to every thrust. this will ensure it breaks


I broke mine. Very painful!
2012-07-03 01:13:50 PM
1 votes:

Rwa2play: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

I don't think the author ever had sex ed as part of their curriculum. Thus, their argument is invalid.


Forget sex ed, I was thinking about locker room banter amongst horny but clueless 12 year-olds.
2012-07-03 01:11:16 PM
1 votes:
Look, I won't waste your time with these tips ladies, because frankly I'm on the run and don't have the time. The FBI is after my penis.
2012-07-03 01:09:23 PM
1 votes:
1.bp.blogspot.com



go with cotton candy
2012-07-03 01:07:16 PM
1 votes:
So 19% of women do want you to attempt anal sex without asking?
2012-07-03 01:06:46 PM
1 votes:

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


This is why I have you favorited. For awesome tips like this.
2012-07-03 01:06:23 PM
1 votes:
"Hey there, wanna fark?"
"Sure thing, sweet-talker."
2012-07-03 11:34:36 AM
1 votes:
Good thing women on the pill aren't forced to wear a scarlet "P" on their chests, or this magazine would go out of business.
2012-07-03 10:39:59 AM
1 votes:

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


so, pocket ninja is a chick. ok. did not see that coming.
2012-07-03 09:50:42 AM
1 votes:

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


So I should prime my wife with a little "cream" in her coffee?

All hail Pocket Ninja: Idea/Wordsmith extraordinaire. (not snark - sincere).
2012-07-03 09:23:12 AM
1 votes:

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.



I'll take those odds. The palm thing is just stupid, though.

Unless it's the gateway to "Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive."
2012-07-03 07:06:09 AM
1 votes:

doglover: miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

It's worth the risk. If you find the one that doesn't freak out, put a ring on it.


Reminds me of that bit from Louis CK:

www.coachralphy.com

"Oooh, I'm getting kind of a rapey vibe from this girl, I don't know. I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that's her thing. I don't wanna ask first and ruin it so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell? What's the worst that could happen after all?" NSFW audio
 
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