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(Jezebel)   36 terrible sex tips for men. Your all inclusive guide to quickly ending a relationship   (jezebel.com) divider line 95
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39631 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Jul 2012 at 1:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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Archived thread
2012-07-03 09:43:16 AM
11 votes:
Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.
2012-07-03 02:40:44 PM
7 votes:
FTA - 31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Listen my fellow gentlemen, this is not proper behavior.

What you just did is wrong. Wrong in so many ways.

Next time, be a bit more considerate to everybody around you and get a spoon, put the spoon in the Nutella jar, then apply the Nutella to your chap with the spoon.

/you are welcome
2012-07-03 02:34:52 PM
6 votes:

StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.


Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike
2012-07-03 02:26:12 PM
6 votes:
Am I the only one who finds it hysterical that sex advice columns for women tend to revolve around overly elaborate, or seemingly painful, things they should be doing to their man....

While sex advice columns for men seem to revolve around a complicated set of statistics and measurements to help gauge that she's "in the mood."

I only ever had one move I needed to get in a woman's pants, well you could count it as two.

Here it is: "Look her in the eyes when you speak to her, and talk to her like a human farking being."

Using this rule you will find your woman will enjoy being around you more, and will enjoy letting you have tons of sexy time because you're not treating her tits like her eyeballs.
2012-07-03 01:28:53 PM
6 votes:
Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.
2012-07-03 06:30:41 AM
5 votes:
Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."


So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.
2012-07-03 01:27:57 PM
4 votes:
12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!
2012-07-03 06:51:53 AM
4 votes:

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


It's worth the risk. If you find the one that doesn't freak out, put a ring on it.
2012-07-03 05:57:37 PM
3 votes:

Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.


Another chick here. And seconded. In fact, everything said in that post from Prevailing Wind is basically the worst possible advice I've ever heard seriously given.
2012-07-03 03:33:49 PM
3 votes:

Submitted First With a Better Headline: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Fact!

...Which is incredibly depressing, when you think about it. Women are impressed when a guy bothers to get them off. It's not like making someone else feel good is difficult, as long as you're not a selfish prick.


It really is. All you need to do is read a couple articles on female erogenous zones, or just explore the hell out of your womans body. Touch every single part and gauge the reactions. With a teeny tiny bit of research you can bring just about any woman to climax within 5 minutes. Oral is easily the most effective in my experience.

This is why most women I've ever met say geeky guys are the best in bed. Us geekier types tend to understand that women wanna get off too ya know. Not the bros who just want to be able to say they fingered some chick and farked her.
2012-07-03 03:23:04 PM
3 votes:

Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.


The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.
2012-07-03 03:11:27 PM
3 votes:

Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.

OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

As for her orgasms... This is one advantage of being in a long-term relationship , where you know each other very well. Honest women know that sometimes they aren't going to get off regardless of what you or even she does. So score-keeping is pointless. Sometimes, you just want a "going-to-sleeper" without all the performance and she really doesn't want it so much. These are the times when she rolls with it for the intimacy and lets him get off without feeling guilty that she didn't (sometimes she's pleasantly surprised). If this isn't possible, you're with the wrong woman.
2012-07-03 02:40:34 PM
3 votes:

qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike


Absolutely right. Every woman is different. And each woman is different at different times. It's one of the things that is most intriguing and frustrating about them.
2012-07-03 02:02:28 PM
3 votes:

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.
2012-07-03 01:07:16 PM
3 votes:
So 19% of women do want you to attempt anal sex without asking?
2012-07-03 04:01:13 PM
2 votes:

Strategeryz0r:
My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.


Suggestion 1: Trim down there. Going down on a guy and choking on a hair isn't fun.
Suggestion 2: Just try chocolate sauce or something else she already likes.
Suggestion 3: Cut down on red meat and start eating sweet things like pineapple.
Suggestion 4: Keep your hands to yourself and off her head/neck. Better yet, you be laying down.
2012-07-03 03:47:15 PM
2 votes:

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


I pretty much agree with your rules above. And "if" you are a guy who is a little on the premature side (or even worried that you might be) use alternate options to reach #1 prior to checking the oil. Especially on a first encounter where you want a second.
2012-07-03 03:40:57 PM
2 votes:

qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike


I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.
2012-07-03 03:36:56 PM
2 votes:

Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.

Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.


Well, I'm not a woman, but a man. Hmmm... You do bring up common problem for tall men and short women. I have no idea of how large you are, but one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way. If this prevents you from getting into her far enough to pleasure yourself, a little pillow under her hips will raise things up just a bit. The only problem with this position is that you are at an odd angle and it can cause cramps in your thighs.
2012-07-03 03:21:08 PM
2 votes:

lunchinlewis: Strategeryz0r: OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


Mop?


dry, lint free cloth. keep one handy.

cuz sex can be messy. or try the ol standby - insert penis into vagina, remove, wipe off, repeat until desired wetness is achieved.
2012-07-03 02:55:02 PM
2 votes:

El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.


Yup. It's a pretty easy way to ensure awesome naughty times.
2012-07-03 02:22:39 PM
2 votes:
37) Fill your bed with potatoes.
38) Bring back that feeling of when you first started courting: Make love in a car - parked in her parents' driveway! (Or cemetary parking lot if they're deceased)
39) Two words: Burlap sheets.
40) One word: Stilts.
41) Nothing says hot, wet sexy fun like a lake in Florida in the summertime.
42) Bang pots and pans together clangorously when you sense your partner reaching orgasm. Some people refer to this as the "scaregasm".
43) Foreplay: Every player strips down and is armed with a roll of sticky tape; the objective being to use strips of sticky tape to remove hair from one of the other players. Eventually everyone will have gone to Brazil and then the smooth, sexy fun can start. Note: This can involve a lot of running and screaming, so proper hydration is a must!
44) Media can set the mood: Vacation slideshows rescued from rubbish tips and estate sales can take you "around the world".
45) The importance of a safe word: Make sure this is well establish beforehand. Good choices are "ouch", "harder" and "honorificabilitudinitatibus".

Have fun!
2012-07-03 01:13:06 PM
2 votes:
12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.
2012-07-03 09:49:56 AM
2 votes:
Lick the palm? Just do what I do. Rip your shirt off, grunt and show your dominance by peeing on her. She'll be impressed by your alpha status and will immediately present her anus.

/ every crazy lady I've ever known has a stack of Cosmos
// Maxim is Cosmo for dudes
2012-07-03 08:40:43 AM
2 votes:
Mutant Sperm would be a good band name.
2012-07-05 01:38:16 AM
1 votes:
*sigh*

I love each and every one of you. Thank you for making me laugh so hard the dog comes over to see if I am ok. Thank you for sharing your sordid tales, sexual exploits and degeneracy with us.

/fark makes me feel alive
//tsb
2012-07-05 12:22:03 AM
1 votes:

Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.

Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.


Open ended male stimulator. You feel like you're all the way in, she gets the fun part, without the pain of a ruptured lung

Make sure you use a quality emollient lube.

(can also be used for oral favors if she has a sensitive gag reflex)
2012-07-04 02:06:35 AM
1 votes:

Salt Lick Steady: SharkInfested: Eh, kind of have this problem with guy I'm seeing, who also loves to go down south, but it's more a matter of getting too sensitive after multiple orgasms.

Even before an orgasm for me it gets too sensitive, no matter how gentle he's being. Kind of hurts. Nicer to have the "indirect" contact of the cock during playtime.

/no, guys, you're never going to figure us out in general


My wife turns the tables for a bit when she gets "too sensitive".

-"You need to lay back"
-"I need to?"
-"Yes, more than your next breath"

/my woman rocks
//not trying to figure you out in general
///just one specifically
2012-07-03 09:56:17 PM
1 votes:

DeltaPunch: Good thing women on the pill aren't forced to wear a scarlet "P" on their chests, or this magazine would go out of business.


Yeah, why in the unholy hell is the pill so important to these people? Because that really just screams 'creepy and unnecessarily intimate for someone I'm just glancing at and may or may not even know' to me.

/Amazingly enough, creeping women out results in restraining orders.
2012-07-03 09:03:02 PM
1 votes:

Lawnchair: Why is it important to figure out if this foxy stranger is on the pill? To avoid unwanted pregnancy? Oh no, you're trying to make speculative assumptions about her hormone levels. You know, so you can bone her!

Er, yeah, that's the idea. Drinks are expensive for a lot of platonic gal-pals. Not that I'm buying the whole 'blink counting' routine, but yes, it'd be nice to have a handle on where the hormones lie.

Because the Pill (and hooray for the Pill, women's liberation, and women's choice to take the Pill, btw) very commonly leads to near-zero long-term libido. Depo/ring/implanon may be worse. And there are studies for this. Not a near-zero urge to date, marry, or shack up (my own observations), but very low libido. I've lived a decade with that life, and, sure, I intend to be there for my partner if sex stopped due to cancer or whatever, but barring that, I'd like "at least once a week" to be a starting point in a future relationship. This may may me a jerk.


Argh. Birth control does kill your libido. I was using the BC patch for awhile and my SO noticed a SHARP decrease in our playtime. I also experienced an increase in anxiety attacks which stopped once I went off it. Messing with hormones is not always a fun game.
2012-07-03 09:01:47 PM
1 votes:

wambu: Why all the FARK-submitted man-hate from JEZEBEL?

/somebody got their vajayjay on?


They're just a fem version of the Onion. I would assume with some of the really stupid shiat they write that they probably spend a good part of the business day belly laughing at their efforts to sound serious..
2012-07-03 07:23:19 PM
1 votes:

SharkInfested: Eh, kind of have this problem with guy I'm seeing, who also loves to go down south, but it's more a matter of getting too sensitive after multiple orgasms.


Even before an orgasm for me it gets too sensitive, no matter how gentle he's being. Kind of hurts. Nicer to have the "indirect" contact of the cock during playtime.

/no, guys, you're never going to figure us out in general
2012-07-03 07:18:19 PM
1 votes:

Prevailing Wind: Cheers!


I got it, I actually laughed heartily. Mostly at the thought that some farkers would use the tips with a casual fling.

If you've established a solid relationship, sexual matters have likely already been discussed too (I really freaking hope). My initial head cock was on the mention of orgasm when it's about to happen; if you and she are cool with it, cool.

Like you say, it's about understanding each other and mutual enjoyment. And palm licking in public.
2012-07-03 06:46:32 PM
1 votes:

Strategeryz0r: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.


Here is my advice.

Be sure to keep yourself trimmed. Be sure you are clean--fresh out of the shower.
Lie on your back and keep your hands off of her head and neck
Let her take her time to touch, kiss, nuzzle, lightly lick at the tip--that is, do not expect it to go down the back of her throat the first time.
Let her decide how far she goes and for how long
Give her clues that she is doing it right. As her confidence builds, she will do it more often
No matter how brief or frustrating, praise her efforts and go on. The next time she wants to try, it will get better.
2012-07-03 06:44:44 PM
1 votes:

Salt Lick Steady: Freudian_slipknot: Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.

Another chick here. And seconded. In fact, everything said in that post from Prevailing Wind is basically the worst possible advice I've ever heard seriously given.

Truly, if a dude pulled out my snake bite kit, I'd 1.) get the fark out of there asap, 2.) laugh uncontrollably on the way home, and 3.) tell my closest friends about the dumbass I was with the other night. Same with the wand. LMAO.

Then again, if I've already lost the mood because of the demand not to come, and a dude starts trying to grudge fark me instead, he'd probably be clutching his nuts in agony before he could whip out the kit or the wand.


Lol. Ladies! I told you that wasn't for you!

I would have thought the use of 'safe word' would have been a dead giveaway. My wife and I do not have a strictly vanilla sex life.

The later part of all I wrote isn't applicable to casual dating. Toys and what have you are the result of a discussion between you and your parter. They're called limits.

I stand by the attitude though. There are more than physical differences between men and women and it's ok to occasionally act accordingly. There really is no effing excuse for either sex to obsess over whether or not your meeting some kind of populist expectation of satisfactory performance. Go. fark. Enjoy. Both you and your partner will prosper far more than if you are neurotically worried about checking off all the bits in some Cosmo article.

As to the permission bit, it's a scenario I and my wife enjoy...both ways. All I can say is try it. It's called edge play and if it's not in your bag of tricks, open your mind a little.

Incidentally my wife says you need to read up on the hitachi.

Cheers!
2012-07-03 06:16:12 PM
1 votes:

Freudian_slipknot: Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.

Another chick here. And seconded. In fact, everything said in that post from Prevailing Wind is basically the worst possible advice I've ever heard seriously given.


Truly, if a dude pulled out my snake bite kit, I'd 1.) get the fark out of there asap, 2.) laugh uncontrollably on the way home, and 3.) tell my closest friends about the dumbass I was with the other night. Same with the wand. LMAO.

Then again, if I've already lost the mood because of the demand not to come, and a dude starts trying to grudge fark me instead, he'd probably be clutching his nuts in agony before he could whip out the kit or the wand.
2012-07-03 06:10:30 PM
1 votes:

The more you eat the more you fart: Salt Lick Steady: The more you eat the more you fart: Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.


That goes both ways.

No dispute from me there

She and I have an understanding: Just keep going...dont distract me. Goes for both of us.

Wanna talk dirty? Be my guest...but when I'm right on the verge of finishing, just keep moving your hips and don't say anything to distract me. I will do the same.

If she wants more, she gets it. No questions asked. I aim to please, and imagine that....if she gets hers then she makes DAMNED sure I get mine.


THIS^ is the advice you guys (and ladies) need to follow
2012-07-03 05:51:21 PM
1 votes:

Benni K Rok: Here's sex advice I can assure you will work once your partner says okay, let's do this.

1. Ask what they want.

That is all.


Her: I don't care, what do you want?
2012-07-03 05:47:44 PM
1 votes:

Salt Lick Steady: The more you eat the more you fart: Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.


That goes both ways.

No dispute from me there


She and I have an understanding: Just keep going...dont distract me. Goes for both of us.

Wanna talk dirty? Be my guest...but when I'm right on the verge of finishing, just keep moving your hips and don't say anything to distract me. I will do the same.

If she wants more, she gets it. No questions asked. I aim to please, and imagine that....if she gets hers then she makes DAMNED sure I get mine.
2012-07-03 05:36:30 PM
1 votes:

Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.



That goes both ways.
2012-07-03 05:36:03 PM
1 votes:
Step 1) Find the clitoris
Step 2) ???
Step 3) Orgasms...orgasms everywhere!
2012-07-03 05:31:20 PM
1 votes:

Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.


Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.
2012-07-03 05:24:54 PM
1 votes:
What's with all the stupid relationship greenlights lately?

Don't be a jerk and you'll probably be fine.

Here's my very NOT all-inclusive list:

1. Don't treat her like your personal plaything.
2. Discuss what you will do with her before hand. If you jam your dick in her butt without permission, then she should be able to sodomize you in your sleep with a baseball bat.
3. Don't forget that sex is supposed to be MUTUALLY gratifying. It isn't all about YOU.

That covers just the obvious,
2012-07-03 05:10:41 PM
1 votes:

spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"


Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.
2012-07-03 05:08:34 PM
1 votes:
Here's sex advice I can assure you will work once your partner says okay, let's do this.

1. Ask what they want.

That is all.
2012-07-03 04:53:46 PM
1 votes:
Why is it important to figure out if this foxy stranger is on the pill? To avoid unwanted pregnancy? Oh no, you're trying to make speculative assumptions about her hormone levels. You know, so you can bone her!

Er, yeah, that's the idea. Drinks are expensive for a lot of platonic gal-pals. Not that I'm buying the whole 'blink counting' routine, but yes, it'd be nice to have a handle on where the hormones lie.

Because the Pill (and hooray for the Pill, women's liberation, and women's choice to take the Pill, btw) very commonly leads to near-zero long-term libido. Depo/ring/implanon may be worse. And there are studies for this. Not a near-zero urge to date, marry, or shack up (my own observations), but very low libido. I've lived a decade with that life, and, sure, I intend to be there for my partner if sex stopped due to cancer or whatever, but barring that, I'd like "at least once a week" to be a starting point in a future relationship. This may may me a jerk.
2012-07-03 04:36:49 PM
1 votes:

StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.


Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.
2012-07-03 04:23:03 PM
1 votes:
Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this


So...I see this has turned into some bizarre sexual epeen thread mixed up with guys wanting some sort of help and self affirmation?

Oh for farks sake.

This stuff...these numbers and ratios...its making my head hurt. So guys, huddle up here. Are the ladies gone? Good. This is just a little advice for the fellas.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS shiat!

She agreed to have sex with you. The hard part is done. Stop being a panty-waist and take control of the situation.

1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

2) If she CAN think clearly after #1 and want's some more then you sort of punish her for the audacity. I'm not 20 anymore. If she's going to make me work then I'm going to make her pay. I switch from "I'm farking you" mode to "I'm grudge farking you" mode. You keep going until she cums so many times that she begs you to stop and then you keep going some more. In essence you don't stop until she either uses her safe word or shes a sobbing wet incoherent mess.

3) How do you accomplish 1 and 2? First, stop worry about whether or not you're good in bed. It looks weak and pathetic cause it is weak and pathetic. Women, in general, do not find weak and pathetic sexy. So just effing stop it! If she didn't want it, she wouldn't be there. Second, unless you can make your dick vibrate at 6000 oscillations per minute, use toys. I recommend the HITACHI MAGIC WAND. I put that in caps because its that important. I recommend anal beads. I recommend snake bite kits, rope, vapor locking, spanking, pulling hair...whatever. Go all alpha on her. She coulda stopped at one set but she asked for more. Make. A. farking. Impression.

Yes there is a place and time for gentle...its after its all over.

There. I just saved all of Farkdome from mediocre sex.



/snakebite kits come with three little yellow suction cups. Two large and one small. Put them where you think you would put them.
//knew you would ask.
///you're welcome
2012-07-03 04:09:55 PM
1 votes:

Just so everyone's on the same page:

Gawker republished this from Nerve (with permission).
Ben Reininga (real name, sure) at Nerve selected sex advice tips pointers suggestions from both Men's Health and Maxim and provided pointed commentary.

Also:

25. "Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman. Ali stood there for seven rounds before springing to life and sending the tired Foreman to the mat. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali... Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clitoris. Then... Return to slow, easy strokes... Repeat until she's out cold."
I'd just like to point out that in this scenario - where you're Ali - her vagina is George Foreman. I'd avoid that comparison, whether you mean the boxer or the sandwich press.

With all due respect to Messrs Ali and Foreman, and indoor grilling equipment the world over, this sounds more like fartleks than "rope-a-dope."


Trance354:
Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Perhaps we don't think Superman, but it's a start. A very good start.
2012-07-03 04:03:55 PM
1 votes:

LaraAmber: Strategeryz0r:
My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.

Suggestion 1: Trim down there. Going down on a guy and choking on a hair isn't fun.
Suggestion 2: Just try chocolate sauce or something else she already likes.
Suggestion 3: Cut down on red meat and start eating sweet things like pineapple.
Suggestion 4: Keep your hands to yourself and off her head/neck. Better yet, you be laying down.


I'd say the same, as far as cleanliness/trimmed, goes for guys who don't really like going down on girls.
2012-07-03 04:03:26 PM
1 votes:

JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: Yeah we toy around with various positions, but it'shiat or miss. Some hit her vaginal walls just the wrong way and cause her a bit of pain even though I'm not that far in her. Other's work really well but she has a hard time maintaining said position(as in holding herself in the right spot, or me keeping myself in the right spot as well). She likes to get on top, which is one of my favorite ways too(hooray easily accessible boobies!) but it's a double edged sword. I can go forever with her on top, but that's also the problem.. I can go forever. It's not the maintaining an erection thing that's tough, for some reason I have a really hard time finishing with her in control like that.

As far as my own size, and I'm being honest here, I've never measured it in my life. Not once. So I have no clue to be perfectly honest. I've always just figured it was pretty average. Though I've been told it's on the larger end for a white guy.

I know just what you what you mean her being on top. As we get older, it naturally becomes more difficult to maintain an erection when we are on our back. Supposedly Viagra helps with this, though I have never used it. Do you have a curvature to your penis (Peyronie's Disease)? A straight penis should not hurt her unless you really miss on a forceful thrust, especially if you are average or just above average in length. But one that has a too sharp a curve can cause pain. Indeed, my wife loves for me to thrust at different angles. Of course, the problem may not be with you at all. Some women just have very sensitive vaginas. But good problems to have. Amiright?


The weird thing is it's not maintaining the erection. I'm not joking when I say she was on top of me for 15 minutes straight one time, I couldn't finish. But when she demanded we swap positions I was sitll hard as a rock. There's just something about being on my back that basically says "thou shalt not cum." Though there are exceptions. We got busy out next to a creek while we were camping 2 weekends ago, and she finished me on top just fine...

But I suspect that has more to do with the fact that we were camping at a music festival, and our sexy time spot was something that any of the thousands of people there could have stumbled upon at any time. So the whole "we could get caught at any second" rush may have had more to do with that.

As far as curves to my penis, nope straight as an arrow and on the larger side of average(both girth and length). She has said she has a bit of a sensitive vagina, which is pretty easy to see. I barely touch the thing and it becomes Niagara falls(I'm talking a puddle with a radius the size of my wife by the end of things). Is there anything she can do to help out with that? or is it just one of those things that's always going to be that way. We do need to find her a good OB too. So this is probably something they could answer when/if we ever find one she likes...
2012-07-03 04:02:25 PM
1 votes:

Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.


It lessens the friction. Also, once a lady has gotten off once or twice pre-coital, her muscles relax a bit so things are not *quite* as tight.

/ is a lady
// likes the friction...the sweet, sweet friction
2012-07-03 03:57:42 PM
1 votes:

Strategeryz0r: Yeah we toy around with various positions, but it'shiat or miss. Some hit her vaginal walls just the wrong way and cause her a bit of pain even though I'm not that far in her. Other's work really well but she has a hard time maintaining said position(as in holding herself in the right spot, or me keeping myself in the right spot as well). She likes to get on top, which is one of my favorite ways too(hooray easily accessible boobies!) but it's a double edged sword. I can go forever with her on top, but that's also the problem.. I can go forever. It's not the maintaining an erection thing that's tough, for some reason I have a really hard time finishing with her in control like that.

As far as my own size, and I'm being honest here, I've never measured it in my life. Not once. So I have no clue to be perfectly honest. I've always just figured it was pretty average. Though I've been told it's on the larger end for a white guy.


I know just what you what you mean her being on top. As we get older, it naturally becomes more difficult to maintain an erection when we are on our back. Supposedly Viagra helps with this, though I have never used it. Do you have a curvature to your penis (Peyronie's Disease)? A straight penis should not hurt her unless you really miss on a forceful thrust, especially if you are average or just above average in length. But one that has a too sharp a curve can cause pain. Indeed, my wife loves for me to thrust at different angles. Of course, the problem may not be with you at all. Some women just have very sensitive vaginas. But good problems to have. Amiright?
2012-07-03 03:39:07 PM
1 votes:
6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

If a guy I was already sleeping with regularly did this, it wouldn't bother me and might turn me on if he knew what he was doing and didn't feel like I was getting slobbered on by a dog. Kinda like when I suck on my husband's finger when we're sitting in a dark movie theater. He immediately thinks of other things I could be sucking and accuses me of "torturing him".

Now if some guy I had just started dating did this, he would be toast.
2012-07-03 03:27:37 PM
1 votes:

JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.


Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.
2012-07-03 03:24:42 PM
1 votes:

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.



Fact!

...Which is incredibly depressing, when you think about it. Women are impressed when a guy bothers to get them off. It's not like making someone else feel good is difficult, as long as you're not a selfish prick.
2012-07-03 03:13:42 PM
1 votes:

JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.


Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.
2012-07-03 02:58:57 PM
1 votes:

Christian Bale: Sometimes I wonder if the writers are laughing about how many people they get to do stupid things based on these articles. Licking a girl's palm?


I think the writers are trying to up their own odds.

qualtrough: //No two are alike


And there we go the only thing that is actually 100% true.
2012-07-03 02:38:44 PM
1 votes:

nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.


How YOU doin'?
2012-07-03 02:34:27 PM
1 votes:

frepnog: captjc: [i50.tinypic.com image 510x365]

[i50.tinypic.com image 510x365]

[1.bp.blogspot.com image 400x286]

what is that from that so completely rips animation off from Beauty and the Beast?


I think it's LoZ: Skyward Sword
You can't tell that's photoshopped? Link
2012-07-03 02:32:21 PM
1 votes:

Porous Horace: Bang pots and pans together clangorously when you sense your partner reaching orgasm. Some people refer to this as the "scaregasm".


This did cause me to Laugh Aloud and for that, in the sweltering aftermath of El Derecho and the second tree on my house in 2 years, I thank ye.
2012-07-03 02:25:03 PM
1 votes:

Vangor: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

I imagine at least 81 percent of women do not want you to attempt any sexual activity without asking.

31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Wasn't this a comic about how much Europeans loved Nutella?


English are Marmite.
Australians are Vegemite.
Americans are Nutella.

It's all the same, basically.
2012-07-03 02:17:02 PM
1 votes:

nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.


I think I've just found two new favorites!
2012-07-03 02:09:55 PM
1 votes:

captjc: [i50.tinypic.com image 510x365]


i50.tinypic.com

1.bp.blogspot.com

what is that from that so completely rips animation off from Beauty and the Beast?
2012-07-03 02:02:31 PM
1 votes:

IlGreven: The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.


I'm not so sure about that. However, fortunately for the ladies, those men also smell strongly of Axe.
2012-07-03 02:00:26 PM
1 votes:

tricycleracer: ObscureNameHere: miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'

But 60% of the time my girlfriend requests anal every time.


I didn't realize hands came with assholes these days. Incredible times we're in.
2012-07-03 01:46:22 PM
1 votes:

Sword and Shield: Scarrio: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!

I had a patient say something similar to me once.

"So, what brings you in today?"
"It's about my jizz."
"What?"
"My girl says my jizz tastes funny."


Tell him to quit smoking.
2012-07-03 01:46:18 PM
1 votes:
I know I'm getting older and my eyes aren't what they used to be, but for some reason, I thought the tag said "Lezebel".
2012-07-03 01:41:15 PM
1 votes:
Sometimes I wonder if the writers are laughing about how many people they get to do stupid things based on these articles. Licking a girl's palm?

But I also wonder about Jezebel's policy on plagiarism. Is it ok to reprint an entire article from another site/magazine just as long as you add a not-funny, snarky, or bitter comment after it?

And no link to the actual article you stole, that's classy.
2012-07-03 01:41:00 PM
1 votes:

miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'
2012-07-03 01:36:08 PM
1 votes:

bim1154: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

Mine calls me "oh God".



Hitachi Magic Wand. All I'm saying.
2012-07-03 01:32:52 PM
1 votes:
27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

I imagine at least 81 percent of women do not want you to attempt any sexual activity without asking.

31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Wasn't this a comic about how much Europeans loved Nutella?
2012-07-03 01:29:40 PM
1 votes:
"Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse."

Uh, that's not my definition of "facial intercourse".

/Nor the porn industry's.
2012-07-03 01:28:33 PM
1 votes:

factoryconnection: The "warm feet" point (#24) is valid, even if their remedy for it is iffy at best. My recommendation: buy attractively-patterned, knee-high socks for the lady. Warm feet plus they can stay on for a sexy look. It is a win.

Otherwise: sheesh. Jezebel was right to tear this one apart.


... I dunno. Usually sex warms my feet up (the only thing that does, because female = lizard of course), so generally if my feet are cold I'll be more amenable to a quick warmup. :)
2012-07-03 01:26:59 PM
1 votes:

Porous Horace: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.


Asparagus would be the last thing I'd eat before an evening of hard sex. Makes my pee smell like sulfur.
2012-07-03 01:26:58 PM
1 votes:
i50.tinypic.com
2012-07-03 01:23:09 PM
1 votes:
...ANNNNNNND my new screen name will be "Team Surprise Anal"
2012-07-03 01:22:51 PM
1 votes:
Some of you guys have so much to learn about women and sex. It's really quite pathetic.
2012-07-03 01:19:44 PM
1 votes:
www.morethings.com

Sex tips from this guy.

/you've 'ad sex, right?
//wot's it like?
2012-07-03 01:17:58 PM
1 votes:
The "warm feet" point (#24) is valid, even if their remedy for it is iffy at best. My recommendation: buy attractively-patterned, knee-high socks for the lady. Warm feet plus they can stay on for a sexy look. It is a win.

Otherwise: sheesh. Jezebel was right to tear this one apart.
2012-07-03 01:15:45 PM
1 votes:

Jon iz teh kewl: 37. remove your dick completely prior to every thrust. this will ensure it breaks


I broke mine. Very painful!
2012-07-03 01:14:44 PM
1 votes:
They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"
2012-07-03 01:10:12 PM
1 votes:

StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.


I don't think the author ever had sex ed as part of their curriculum. Thus, their argument is invalid.
2012-07-03 01:09:24 PM
1 votes:

the_rev: Mutant Sperm would be a good band name.


Their first album: "Demon Seed"
2012-07-03 01:09:23 PM
1 votes:
1.bp.blogspot.com



go with cotton candy
2012-07-03 01:08:21 PM
1 votes:

alwaysjaded: [i881.photobucket.com image 467x700]

/ oblig


LOL! That's epic right there.
2012-07-03 01:06:46 PM
1 votes:

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


This is why I have you favorited. For awesome tips like this.
2012-07-03 01:05:36 PM
1 votes:

GAT_00: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

Hey girl, there's a 20% chance you're going to enjoy this.


That, added to the 90% chance the guy will enjoy it, adds up to 110%!
2012-07-03 11:55:10 AM
1 votes:
I can't get over the mental image that the phrase "her vagina is George Foreman" presents.
2012-07-03 10:45:44 AM
1 votes:
i881.photobucket.com

/ oblig
2012-07-03 10:16:54 AM
1 votes:

MrBallou: Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.

So I should prime my wife with a little "cream" in her coffee?

All hail Pocket Ninja: Idea/Wordsmith extraordinaire. (not snark - sincere).


As I've said before, this is his world, we just live in it.
2012-07-03 09:54:55 AM
1 votes:
"Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Hell, I use this on most first dates. Of course, by the time I get around to whipping out my Nutella-junk, it's all sweaty and lousy with lint.
2012-07-03 09:44:57 AM
1 votes:
OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.
2012-07-03 08:22:38 AM
1 votes:
Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"
2012-07-03 07:19:12 AM
1 votes:
Are you supposed to know, or have introduced the woman before you lick the hand? I ask because of.. a friend, yes, a friend wants to know. I didn't just try it on a random stranger. No...
 
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