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(Jezebel)   36 terrible sex tips for men. Your all inclusive guide to quickly ending a relationship   (jezebel.com) divider line 326
    More: Obvious, 1 decimetre, Bodybuilding supplement, human centipede, pleasure center, Jamie Lee Curtis, folic acid, sex drives, school dance  
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39643 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Jul 2012 at 1:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-03 06:30:41 AM  
Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."


So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.
 
2012-07-03 06:51:53 AM  

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


It's worth the risk. If you find the one that doesn't freak out, put a ring on it.
 
2012-07-03 07:06:09 AM  

doglover: miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

It's worth the risk. If you find the one that doesn't freak out, put a ring on it.


Reminds me of that bit from Louis CK:

www.coachralphy.com

"Oooh, I'm getting kind of a rapey vibe from this girl, I don't know. I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that's her thing. I don't wanna ask first and ruin it so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell? What's the worst that could happen after all?" NSFW audio
 
2012-07-03 07:19:12 AM  
Are you supposed to know, or have introduced the woman before you lick the hand? I ask because of.. a friend, yes, a friend wants to know. I didn't just try it on a random stranger. No...
 
2012-07-03 07:25:55 AM  
Mop.
 
2012-07-03 07:32:20 AM  
That was hilarious
 
2012-07-03 08:07:46 AM  

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


Hey girl, there's a 20% chance you're going to enjoy this.
 
2012-07-03 08:22:38 AM  
Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"
 
2012-07-03 08:29:19 AM  

BurnShrike: Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"


When I get tired but the girl isn't finished my mutant sperm can finish the job for me. Win win.
 
2012-07-03 08:40:43 AM  
Mutant Sperm would be a good band name.
 
2012-07-03 08:45:10 AM  
this is going to get ugly, and we will be lucky to live though it, etc
 
2012-07-03 09:02:38 AM  
Reduce dating advice to science. B*tches love science.
 
2012-07-03 09:23:12 AM  

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.



I'll take those odds. The palm thing is just stupid, though.

Unless it's the gateway to "Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive."
 
2012-07-03 09:43:16 AM  
Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.
 
2012-07-03 09:44:57 AM  
OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.
 
2012-07-03 09:46:27 AM  
Pocket Ninja, do you write for Penthouse Forum as your day job?

/*golf clap*
 
2012-07-03 09:49:56 AM  
Lick the palm? Just do what I do. Rip your shirt off, grunt and show your dominance by peeing on her. She'll be impressed by your alpha status and will immediately present her anus.

/ every crazy lady I've ever known has a stack of Cosmos
// Maxim is Cosmo for dudes
 
2012-07-03 09:50:42 AM  

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


So I should prime my wife with a little "cream" in her coffee?

All hail Pocket Ninja: Idea/Wordsmith extraordinaire. (not snark - sincere).
 
2012-07-03 09:54:55 AM  
"Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Hell, I use this on most first dates. Of course, by the time I get around to whipping out my Nutella-junk, it's all sweaty and lousy with lint.
 
2012-07-03 10:16:39 AM  
Weird, "terrible sex tip" is my pet name for the last half of my penis.
 
2012-07-03 10:16:54 AM  

MrBallou: Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.

So I should prime my wife with a little "cream" in her coffee?

All hail Pocket Ninja: Idea/Wordsmith extraordinaire. (not snark - sincere).


As I've said before, this is his world, we just live in it.
 
2012-07-03 10:27:44 AM  
"Your post-run sweat has androstadienone... that spikes her arousal when she smells it."

3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-07-03 10:39:59 AM  

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


so, pocket ninja is a chick. ok. did not see that coming.
 
2012-07-03 10:43:25 AM  

BurnShrike: 15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"


southparkstudios-intl.mtvnimages.com

My eyes are up here.
 
2012-07-03 10:45:44 AM  
i881.photobucket.com

/ oblig
 
2012-07-03 10:48:21 AM  
Mop?
 
2012-07-03 11:12:20 AM  
Hey there sweetheart, what say you go get the ol' Brazilian on that unruly mop of yours so that I can show you some real penis-pleasure?
 
2012-07-03 11:32:20 AM  

wyltoknow: Hey there sweetheart, what say you go get the ol' Brazilian on that unruly mop of yours so that I can show you some real penis-pleasure?


I hope everyone is taking notes, cause THAT's how you sweet talk.
 
2012-07-03 11:34:36 AM  
Good thing women on the pill aren't forced to wear a scarlet "P" on their chests, or this magazine would go out of business.
 
2012-07-03 11:55:10 AM  
I can't get over the mental image that the phrase "her vagina is George Foreman" presents.
 
2012-07-03 01:04:48 PM  
37. remove your dick completely prior to every thrust. this will ensure it breaks
 
2012-07-03 01:05:36 PM  

GAT_00: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

Hey girl, there's a 20% chance you're going to enjoy this.


That, added to the 90% chance the guy will enjoy it, adds up to 110%!
 
M-G
2012-07-03 01:06:21 PM  
Men's Health has tips for sex with women? I can picture all their readers pointing it out to their friends as proof they're straight, before they go back to looking at those pics of glistening men.

/NTTAWTT
 
2012-07-03 01:06:23 PM  
"Hey there, wanna fark?"
"Sure thing, sweet-talker."
 
2012-07-03 01:06:26 PM  
32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.
 
2012-07-03 01:06:46 PM  

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


This is why I have you favorited. For awesome tips like this.
 
2012-07-03 01:07:16 PM  
So 19% of women do want you to attempt anal sex without asking?
 
2012-07-03 01:08:21 PM  

alwaysjaded: [i881.photobucket.com image 467x700]

/ oblig


LOL! That's epic right there.
 
2012-07-03 01:09:23 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com



go with cotton candy
 
2012-07-03 01:09:24 PM  

the_rev: Mutant Sperm would be a good band name.


Their first album: "Demon Seed"
 
2012-07-03 01:10:12 PM  

StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.


I don't think the author ever had sex ed as part of their curriculum. Thus, their argument is invalid.
 
2012-07-03 01:11:16 PM  
Look, I won't waste your time with these tips ladies, because frankly I'm on the run and don't have the time. The FBI is after my penis.
 
2012-07-03 01:11:17 PM  
"...we snuck off to a side room, where I gave him a killer blowjob. By the time I was finished, there was a crowd of people watching, which had always been a huge fantasy of mine."
 
2012-07-03 01:12:12 PM  
Ok, this one I liked...
 
2012-07-03 01:12:51 PM  
Meh, most farkers have no problems screwing up their relationships.

/who wants to play WOW?
 
2012-07-03 01:13:06 PM  
12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.
 
2012-07-03 01:13:25 PM  
Nothing about suprise buttsex?
 
2012-07-03 01:13:50 PM  

Rwa2play: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

I don't think the author ever had sex ed as part of their curriculum. Thus, their argument is invalid.


Forget sex ed, I was thinking about locker room banter amongst horny but clueless 12 year-olds.
 
2012-07-03 01:14:44 PM  
They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"
 
2012-07-03 01:15:45 PM  

Jon iz teh kewl: 37. remove your dick completely prior to every thrust. this will ensure it breaks


I broke mine. Very painful!
 
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