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(Jezebel)   36 terrible sex tips for men. Your all inclusive guide to quickly ending a relationship   ( jezebel.com) divider line
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39699 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Jul 2012 at 1:01 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-03 04:03:04 PM  
Oddly enough if a woman comes out of the bathroom with a strap-on and says we're doing this to her bf, the odds of him enjoying are probably higher than 20%. I would suspect.
 
2012-07-03 04:03:26 PM  

JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: Yeah we toy around with various positions, but it'shiat or miss. Some hit her vaginal walls just the wrong way and cause her a bit of pain even though I'm not that far in her. Other's work really well but she has a hard time maintaining said position(as in holding herself in the right spot, or me keeping myself in the right spot as well). She likes to get on top, which is one of my favorite ways too(hooray easily accessible boobies!) but it's a double edged sword. I can go forever with her on top, but that's also the problem.. I can go forever. It's not the maintaining an erection thing that's tough, for some reason I have a really hard time finishing with her in control like that.

As far as my own size, and I'm being honest here, I've never measured it in my life. Not once. So I have no clue to be perfectly honest. I've always just figured it was pretty average. Though I've been told it's on the larger end for a white guy.

I know just what you what you mean her being on top. As we get older, it naturally becomes more difficult to maintain an erection when we are on our back. Supposedly Viagra helps with this, though I have never used it. Do you have a curvature to your penis (Peyronie's Disease)? A straight penis should not hurt her unless you really miss on a forceful thrust, especially if you are average or just above average in length. But one that has a too sharp a curve can cause pain. Indeed, my wife loves for me to thrust at different angles. Of course, the problem may not be with you at all. Some women just have very sensitive vaginas. But good problems to have. Amiright?


The weird thing is it's not maintaining the erection. I'm not joking when I say she was on top of me for 15 minutes straight one time, I couldn't finish. But when she demanded we swap positions I was sitll hard as a rock. There's just something about being on my back that basically says "thou shalt not cum." Though there are exceptions. We got busy out next to a creek while we were camping 2 weekends ago, and she finished me on top just fine...

But I suspect that has more to do with the fact that we were camping at a music festival, and our sexy time spot was something that any of the thousands of people there could have stumbled upon at any time. So the whole "we could get caught at any second" rush may have had more to do with that.

As far as curves to my penis, nope straight as an arrow and on the larger side of average(both girth and length). She has said she has a bit of a sensitive vagina, which is pretty easy to see. I barely touch the thing and it becomes Niagara falls(I'm talking a puddle with a radius the size of my wife by the end of things). Is there anything she can do to help out with that? or is it just one of those things that's always going to be that way. We do need to find her a good OB too. So this is probably something they could answer when/if we ever find one she likes...
 
2012-07-03 04:03:55 PM  

LaraAmber: Strategeryz0r:
My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.

Suggestion 1: Trim down there. Going down on a guy and choking on a hair isn't fun.
Suggestion 2: Just try chocolate sauce or something else she already likes.
Suggestion 3: Cut down on red meat and start eating sweet things like pineapple.
Suggestion 4: Keep your hands to yourself and off her head/neck. Better yet, you be laying down.


I'd say the same, as far as cleanliness/trimmed, goes for guys who don't really like going down on girls.
 
2012-07-03 04:04:10 PM  

theorellior: IlGreven: The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.

I'm not so sure about that. However, fortunately for the ladies, those men also smell strongly of Axe.


Jeepers, it's funny you bring that up. Have you smelled deodorant for men lately? Yesterday, I spent a quarter of an hour on the deodorant aisle sniffing and gagging. Why would anyone want to apply a product to their body that smells significantly worse than ripening sweat? Don't even get me started on the Old Spice line. Great Nelly, I was tempted to tell my brand new teenager, who doesn't have any smell yet anyway, "Oh, just use women's' deodorant. It doesn't smell so darned bad." Now, he can't find the deodorant I bought for him. We don't own any firearms. I am not wading into that room unarmed to look for misplaced objects. I hope he finds it. Good luck to him.
 
2012-07-03 04:04:53 PM  

digitalrain: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

It lessens the friction. Also, once a lady has gotten off once or twice pre-coital, her muscles relax a bit so things are not *quite* as tight.

/ is a lady
// likes the friction...the sweet, sweet friction


How you doin?
 
2012-07-03 04:05:08 PM  

Strategeryz0r: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.


The chocolate-flavored ones are very good. Kama Sutra makes some delicious lickables plus very nice massage oils. Oh, and while you're at it, buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)
 
2012-07-03 04:06:06 PM  

Pocket Ninja: ... male sperm...


Is "male" really needed there?
 
2012-07-03 04:06:24 PM  

Lunaville: theorellior: IlGreven: The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.

I'm not so sure about that. However, fortunately for the ladies, those men also smell strongly of Axe.

Jeepers, it's funny you bring that up. Have you smelled deodorant for men lately? Yesterday, I spent a quarter of an hour on the deodorant aisle sniffing and gagging. Why would anyone want to apply a product to their body that smells significantly worse than ripening sweat? Don't even get me started on the Old Spice line. Great Nelly, I was tempted to tell my brand new teenager, who doesn't have any smell yet anyway, "Oh, just use women's' deodorant. It doesn't smell so darned bad." Now, he can't find the deodorant I bought for him. We don't own any firearms. I am not wading into that room unarmed to look for misplaced objects. I hope he finds it. Good luck to him.


While you're at it, get him to shave his underarms. I swear there is nothing sexier than a man in a tank top with lots of underarm hair caked with deodorant bits...

/I think I just threw up a bit
//Seriously guys, WHY?
 
2012-07-03 04:07:04 PM  

Kit Fister: LaraAmber: Strategeryz0r:
My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.

Suggestion 1: Trim down there. Going down on a guy and choking on a hair isn't fun.
Suggestion 2: Just try chocolate sauce or something else she already likes.
Suggestion 3: Cut down on red meat and start eating sweet things like pineapple.
Suggestion 4: Keep your hands to yourself and off her head/neck. Better yet, you be laying down.

I'd say the same, as far as cleanliness/trimmed, goes for guys who don't really like going down on girls.


Good news: I stay trimmed down there for that very reason. I always kind of figured if I don't want your bush caught in my teeth, why would she want mine?

Chocolate sauce is a maybe, I think she likes the lotion idea as it may be less messy/more washable.

I thought I ate more red meat than I do, your comment got me thinking.. I really don't.. Strangely I've also been praised on many occasions for having what my ex's all described as "the tastiest dick ever" so that might help.

and on #4 oh for sure. It's not some porno I'm looking for lol. I like when she lays back and lets me do whatever I want to her, and I tend to return the favor unless asked to do otherwise(pull hair, be forceful on occasions, etc).
 
2012-07-03 04:07:15 PM  

feffer: JackieRabbit: one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way.

Do not ever say "tummy" and "bottom" when talking about sex. Thank you.


So "tum tum" and "fudge factory" then?
 
2012-07-03 04:07:27 PM  

ms_lara_croft: Strategeryz0r: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.

The chocolate-flavored ones are very good. Kama Sutra makes some delicious lickables plus very nice massage oils. Oh, and while you're at it, buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)


Have her use a vibe on herself while she's sucking on you is also good. :)
 
2012-07-03 04:07:41 PM  

MythDragon: The best move ever is the 'bobsled'. This is when you are farking a girl doggy style on top of a long staircase. You then grab her arms and ride her down.


Don't forget to yell, "COOL RUNNINGS!"
 
2012-07-03 04:08:12 PM  

Strategeryz0r: Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.


ShamWow!
 
2012-07-03 04:08:33 PM  

ms_lara_croft: buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)


Wait a sec... They make those? I know about the vibrating tongue studs(one of my ex's had one.. it was just kinda eh...). But I've always thought like a tongue vibrator would be fun to use on her(I'm a huge fan of toys. I can sit there for hours messing with my woman, hell her being my plaything for a bit is a big part of what turns me on).
 
2012-07-03 04:09:35 PM  

LaraAmber: ms_lara_croft: Strategeryz0r: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.

The chocolate-flavored ones are very good. Kama Sutra makes some delicious lickables plus very nice massage oils. Oh, and while you're at it, buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)

Have her use a vibe on herself while she's sucking on you is also good. :)


Butterflies are nice because they're strap-on and free up her hands to do important things. ;)

/been there, done that. :)
 
2012-07-03 04:09:55 PM  

Just so everyone's on the same page:

Gawker republished this from Nerve (with permission).
Ben Reininga (real name, sure) at Nerve selected sex advice tips pointers suggestions from both Men's Health and Maxim and provided pointed commentary.

Also:

25. "Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman. Ali stood there for seven rounds before springing to life and sending the tired Foreman to the mat. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali... Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clitoris. Then... Return to slow, easy strokes... Repeat until she's out cold."
I'd just like to point out that in this scenario - where you're Ali - her vagina is George Foreman. I'd avoid that comparison, whether you mean the boxer or the sandwich press.

With all due respect to Messrs Ali and Foreman, and indoor grilling equipment the world over, this sounds more like fartleks than "rope-a-dope."


Trance354:
Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Perhaps we don't think Superman, but it's a start. A very good start.
 
2012-07-03 04:10:36 PM  

ProfessorOhki: Strategeryz0r: How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.

Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.


[s3.amazonaws.com image 487x340]


*shakes tiny fist*
 
2012-07-03 04:11:01 PM  

groppet: feffer: JackieRabbit: one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way.

Do not ever say "tummy" and "bottom" when talking about sex. Thank you.

So "tum tum" and "fudge factory" then?


Semantics and all that... To me men have asses, but women have pretty little (hopefully) bottoms. Just remember that what we call a pussy here is called a fanny in England and there a pussy is a cat.
 
2012-07-03 04:11:29 PM  

BurnShrike: Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"


i47.tinypic.com
 
2012-07-03 04:14:13 PM  

SouthernFriedYankee: ProfessorOhki: Strategeryz0r: How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.

Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.


[s3.amazonaws.com image 487x340]

*shakes tiny fist*


Yea, sorry man. You were beaten, and with a better response. That picture killed me.
 
2012-07-03 04:23:03 PM  
Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this


So...I see this has turned into some bizarre sexual epeen thread mixed up with guys wanting some sort of help and self affirmation?

Oh for farks sake.

This stuff...these numbers and ratios...its making my head hurt. So guys, huddle up here. Are the ladies gone? Good. This is just a little advice for the fellas.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS shiat!

She agreed to have sex with you. The hard part is done. Stop being a panty-waist and take control of the situation.

1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

2) If she CAN think clearly after #1 and want's some more then you sort of punish her for the audacity. I'm not 20 anymore. If she's going to make me work then I'm going to make her pay. I switch from "I'm farking you" mode to "I'm grudge farking you" mode. You keep going until she cums so many times that she begs you to stop and then you keep going some more. In essence you don't stop until she either uses her safe word or shes a sobbing wet incoherent mess.

3) How do you accomplish 1 and 2? First, stop worry about whether or not you're good in bed. It looks weak and pathetic cause it is weak and pathetic. Women, in general, do not find weak and pathetic sexy. So just effing stop it! If she didn't want it, she wouldn't be there. Second, unless you can make your dick vibrate at 6000 oscillations per minute, use toys. I recommend the HITACHI MAGIC WAND. I put that in caps because its that important. I recommend anal beads. I recommend snake bite kits, rope, vapor locking, spanking, pulling hair...whatever. Go all alpha on her. She coulda stopped at one set but she asked for more. Make. A. farking. Impression.

Yes there is a place and time for gentle...its after its all over.

There. I just saved all of Farkdome from mediocre sex.

/snakebite kits come with three little yellow suction cups. Two large and one small. Put them where you think you would put them.
//knew you would ask.
///you're welcome
 
2012-07-03 04:24:26 PM  

Strategeryz0r: ms_lara_croft: buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)

Wait a sec... They make those? I know about the vibrating tongue studs(one of my ex's had one.. it was just kinda eh...). But I've always thought like a tongue vibrator would be fun to use on her(I'm a huge fan of toys. I can sit there for hours messing with my woman, hell her being my plaything for a bit is a big part of what turns me on).


Yes, they make those. Just slip it on and slip it in. :)

Here's one: http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/vibrators/clit-vibrators/sp-tong ue-teaser-14791.aspx
 
2012-07-03 04:30:01 PM  

ms_lara_croft: Strategeryz0r: ms_lara_croft: buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)

Wait a sec... They make those? I know about the vibrating tongue studs(one of my ex's had one.. it was just kinda eh...). But I've always thought like a tongue vibrator would be fun to use on her(I'm a huge fan of toys. I can sit there for hours messing with my woman, hell her being my plaything for a bit is a big part of what turns me on).

Yes, they make those. Just slip it on and slip it in. :)

Here's one: http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/vibrators/clit-vibrators/sp-tong ue-teaser-14791.aspx


That's not a bookmark for later or anything..

:)
 
2012-07-03 04:33:02 PM  
This article and I have a VERY different definition of facial intercourse.
 
2012-07-03 04:33:47 PM  

vudukungfu: Bungee cords and vaseline, baby.


i've always run with a fist full of credit cards and a bucket of vaseline, but tossing bungee cords into the mix sounds like fun
 
2012-07-03 04:34:29 PM  

the_rev: Mutant Sperm would be a good band name.


It's all right, I guess, but i still like Throbbing Member.
 
2012-07-03 04:34:46 PM  

Prevailing Wind: Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this

So...I see this has turned into some bizarre sexual epeen thread mixed up with guys wanting some sort of help and self affirmation?

Oh for farks sake.

This stuff...these numbers and ratios...its making my head hurt. So guys, huddle up here. Are the ladies gone? Good. This is just a little advice for the fellas.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS shiat!

She agreed to have sex with you. The hard part is done. Stop being a panty-waist and take control of the situation.

1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

2) If she CAN think clearly after #1 and want's some ...


Now you just stop using common sense right now. This is Fark and there's no room for common sense here. And don't you know that young guys learn all the need to know about sex from porn, where the woman starts coming as soon as the male star touches her and doesn't stop until the money shot, at which time, she coos like she's just seen god?
 
2012-07-03 04:36:49 PM  

StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.


Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.
 
2012-07-03 04:36:58 PM  

LaraAmber: Lunaville: theorellior: IlGreven: The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.

I'm not so sure about that. However, fortunately for the ladies, those men also smell strongly of Axe.

Jeepers, it's funny you bring that up. Have you smelled deodorant for men lately? Yesterday, I spent a quarter of an hour on the deodorant aisle sniffing and gagging. Why would anyone want to apply a product to their body that smells significantly worse than ripening sweat? Don't even get me started on the Old Spice line. Great Nelly, I was tempted to tell my brand new teenager, who doesn't have any smell yet anyway, "Oh, just use women's' deodorant. It doesn't smell so darned bad." Now, he can't find the deodorant I bought for him. We don't own any firearms. I am not wading into that room unarmed to look for misplaced objects. I hope he finds it. Good luck to him.

While you're at it, get him to shave his underarms. I swear there is nothing sexier than a man in a tank top with lots of underarm hair caked with deodorant bits...

/I think I just threw up a bit
//Seriously guys, WHY?


There is no hair under the arms. No hair; no smell. We were advised to get the kid used to the idea of deodorant before the smell kicked in so that a school friend wouldn't be the one to tell him "Hey, You smell. Use some deodorant!"
 
2012-07-03 04:39:45 PM  

runcible spork: "...this sounds more like fartleks than 'rope-a-dope.'"



Forgot to mention the obvious, that "fartlek" is not exactly a great bedroom word.

/ much like Fark™
// not kraf
 
2012-07-03 04:44:41 PM  

KrispyKritter:
i've always run with a fist full of credit cards and a bucket of vaseline, but tossing bungee cords into the mix sounds like fun


Well, you see, you grease them up with the vaseline, to mitigate chaffing, and then you use the bungee cords to tie them up to you, so when they try to get away, they get just soooo far, then their muscles give out and wham! back atcha all greased up and cooled off a bit.

It's a fun game.

Last girlfriend mistook all the ropes and saddles and branding irons in the bedroom as a sign I was a cowboy.
Should have seen the expression on her face when she realized her social faux pas.
Bwahahahahaha
She won't make that mistake agian. No, siree.
 
2012-07-03 04:45:30 PM  

stonicus: This article and I have a VERY different definition of facial intercourse.


This
 
2012-07-03 04:53:04 PM  

Mikmaq Paddywhack: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.


So much this. Love having my nipples pinched and bitten.
 
2012-07-03 04:53:46 PM  
Why is it important to figure out if this foxy stranger is on the pill? To avoid unwanted pregnancy? Oh no, you're trying to make speculative assumptions about her hormone levels. You know, so you can bone her!

Er, yeah, that's the idea. Drinks are expensive for a lot of platonic gal-pals. Not that I'm buying the whole 'blink counting' routine, but yes, it'd be nice to have a handle on where the hormones lie.

Because the Pill (and hooray for the Pill, women's liberation, and women's choice to take the Pill, btw) very commonly leads to near-zero long-term libido. Depo/ring/implanon may be worse. And there are studies for this. Not a near-zero urge to date, marry, or shack up (my own observations), but very low libido. I've lived a decade with that life, and, sure, I intend to be there for my partner if sex stopped due to cancer or whatever, but barring that, I'd like "at least once a week" to be a starting point in a future relationship. This may may me a jerk.
 
2012-07-03 04:57:02 PM  

Mikmaq Paddywhack: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.


I was going to say that half the rules here are totally opposite from my wife. That's one of the reasons we're married.
 
2012-07-03 05:00:14 PM  

Lawnchair: Why is it important to figure out if this foxy stranger is on the pill? To avoid unwanted pregnancy? Oh no, you're trying to make speculative assumptions about her hormone levels. You know, so you can bone her!

Er, yeah, that's the idea. Drinks are expensive for a lot of platonic gal-pals. Not that I'm buying the whole 'blink counting' routine, but yes, it'd be nice to have a handle on where the hormones lie.

Because the Pill (and hooray for the Pill, women's liberation, and women's choice to take the Pill, btw) very commonly leads to near-zero long-term libido. Depo/ring/implanon may be worse. And there are studies for this. Not a near-zero urge to date, marry, or shack up (my own observations), but very low libido. I've lived a decade with that life, and, sure, I intend to be there for my partner if sex stopped due to cancer or whatever, but barring that, I'd like "at least once a week" to be a starting point in a future relationship. This may may me a jerk.


If that makes you a jerk, then my wife would say I'm the biggest asshole on earth. When we started dating I said 2 - 3 times a week at least... I get kinda cranky without my sexy times. She wholeheartedly agreed. Sex is often times the only method of defusing our epic arguments(hence my interest in more toys and stuff).
 
2012-07-03 05:00:53 PM  

farkin_noob: Mikmaq Paddywhack: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.

So much this. Love having my nipples pinched and bitten.


How YOU doin?
 
2012-07-03 05:01:08 PM  

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


I'm a tad dyslexic and on my first read through I read the word 'smile' as 'slime'. It's brilliant either way.
 
2012-07-03 05:08:34 PM  
Here's sex advice I can assure you will work once your partner says okay, let's do this.

1. Ask what they want.

That is all.
 
2012-07-03 05:10:41 PM  

spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"


Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.
 
2012-07-03 05:10:43 PM  

Mikmaq Paddywhack: farkin_noob: Mikmaq Paddywhack: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.

So much this. Love having my nipples pinched and bitten.

How YOU doin?


A wee bit frustrated. I'm in need of a good nipple tweaking and lots of spankings. ;-)
 
2012-07-03 05:15:30 PM  

IlGreven: AirForceVet: OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.

Well, the thing is, they have the same sorts of tips for women's magazines. The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.


Is it possible that the woman at jezebel didnt understand that this was a HUMOR article??
Because it is almost funny that way. Almost.
 
2012-07-03 05:15:36 PM  

Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


That's it, man! Game over, man, game over! What are we gonna do?
 
2012-07-03 05:16:43 PM  

Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.
 
2012-07-03 05:17:21 PM  

Gaseous Anomaly: Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.

That's it, man! Game over, man, game over! What are we gonna do?


UNLIMITED POWER
 
2012-07-03 05:19:02 PM  

Benni K Rok: Here's sex advice I can assure you will work once your partner says okay, let's do this.

1. Ask what they want.

That is all.


There's no way that'd work. It makes too much sense.
 
2012-07-03 05:24:54 PM  
What's with all the stupid relationship greenlights lately?

Don't be a jerk and you'll probably be fine.

Here's my very NOT all-inclusive list:

1. Don't treat her like your personal plaything.
2. Discuss what you will do with her before hand. If you jam your dick in her butt without permission, then she should be able to sodomize you in your sleep with a baseball bat.
3. Don't forget that sex is supposed to be MUTUALLY gratifying. It isn't all about YOU.

That covers just the obvious,
 
2012-07-03 05:25:15 PM  

Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


I'd buy that for a dollar!
 
2012-07-03 05:26:09 PM  

Talondel: spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"

Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


"Oh you want the truth, baby? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
 
2012-07-03 05:26:50 PM  

Salt Lick Steady: Talondel: spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"

Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.

"Oh you want the truth, baby? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"


I think ASSSS YOUUU WISSSSHHHH covers about anything in the bedroom.
 
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