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(Jezebel)   36 terrible sex tips for men. Your all inclusive guide to quickly ending a relationship   (jezebel.com) divider line 326
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39633 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Jul 2012 at 1:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-03 03:07:57 PM

LittleMissStubborn: Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.

OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.


Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.
 
2012-07-03 03:08:39 PM

Strategeryz0r: OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"



Mop?
 
2012-07-03 03:11:27 PM

Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.

OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

As for her orgasms... This is one advantage of being in a long-term relationship , where you know each other very well. Honest women know that sometimes they aren't going to get off regardless of what you or even she does. So score-keeping is pointless. Sometimes, you just want a "going-to-sleeper" without all the performance and she really doesn't want it so much. These are the times when she rolls with it for the intimacy and lets him get off without feeling guilty that she didn't (sometimes she's pleasantly surprised). If this isn't possible, you're with the wrong woman.
 
2012-07-03 03:11:52 PM

lunchinlewis: Strategeryz0r: OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


Mop?


AAAAAND we're done here.
 
2012-07-03 03:13:42 PM

JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.


Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.
 
2012-07-03 03:13:52 PM


How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


get one of those dentist sucky-things and tape it to your johnson?
 
2012-07-03 03:14:43 PM

Jake Havechek: "...we snuck off to a side room, where I gave him a killer blowjob. By the time I was finished, there was a crowd of people watching, which had always been a huge fantasy of mine."


the 'killer blowjob' made me think of this (NSFW)
 
2012-07-03 03:19:34 PM
Well none of this stuff matters once you get a few roofie coladas in them.
 
2012-07-03 03:21:08 PM

lunchinlewis: Strategeryz0r: OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


Mop?


dry, lint free cloth. keep one handy.

cuz sex can be messy. or try the ol standby - insert penis into vagina, remove, wipe off, repeat until desired wetness is achieved.
 
2012-07-03 03:21:48 PM

Strategeryz0r: How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.

Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.



s3.amazonaws.com
 
2012-07-03 03:23:04 PM

Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.


The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.
 
2012-07-03 03:23:59 PM

ProfessorOhki: Strategeryz0r: How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.

Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.


[s3.amazonaws.com image 487x340]


You owe me 1 keyboard.
 
2012-07-03 03:24:42 PM

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.



Fact!

...Which is incredibly depressing, when you think about it. Women are impressed when a guy bothers to get them off. It's not like making someone else feel good is difficult, as long as you're not a selfish prick.
 
2012-07-03 03:26:03 PM

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


How YOU doin?
 
2012-07-03 03:27:37 PM

JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.


Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.
 
2012-07-03 03:31:38 PM

miss diminutive: So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


But that fifth time... magic!
 
2012-07-03 03:32:41 PM

genepool lifeboat: The author sounds fat.

I bet she sports some fine looking horn-rims though.


A woman named Ben?
 
2012-07-03 03:33:49 PM

Submitted First With a Better Headline: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Fact!

...Which is incredibly depressing, when you think about it. Women are impressed when a guy bothers to get them off. It's not like making someone else feel good is difficult, as long as you're not a selfish prick.


It really is. All you need to do is read a couple articles on female erogenous zones, or just explore the hell out of your womans body. Touch every single part and gauge the reactions. With a teeny tiny bit of research you can bring just about any woman to climax within 5 minutes. Oral is easily the most effective in my experience.

This is why most women I've ever met say geeky guys are the best in bed. Us geekier types tend to understand that women wanna get off too ya know. Not the bros who just want to be able to say they fingered some chick and farked her.
 
2012-07-03 03:34:29 PM

miss diminutive: doglover: miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

It's worth the risk. If you find the one that doesn't freak out, put a ring on it.

Reminds me of that bit from Louis CK:

[www.coachralphy.com image 320x480]

"Oooh, I'm getting kind of a rapey vibe from this girl, I don't know. I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that's her thing. I don't wanna ask first and ruin it so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell? What's the worst that could happen after all?" NSFW audio


Actually I was thinking of Louis CK too but for the other bit with the Saddest Handjob

/maybe if you lick your palm
/lick your palm
 
2012-07-03 03:36:56 PM

Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.

Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.


Well, I'm not a woman, but a man. Hmmm... You do bring up common problem for tall men and short women. I have no idea of how large you are, but one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way. If this prevents you from getting into her far enough to pleasure yourself, a little pillow under her hips will raise things up just a bit. The only problem with this position is that you are at an odd angle and it can cause cramps in your thighs.
 
2012-07-03 03:39:07 PM
6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

If a guy I was already sleeping with regularly did this, it wouldn't bother me and might turn me on if he knew what he was doing and didn't feel like I was getting slobbered on by a dog. Kinda like when I suck on my husband's finger when we're sitting in a dark movie theater. He immediately thinks of other things I could be sucking and accuses me of "torturing him".

Now if some guy I had just started dating did this, he would be toast.
 
2012-07-03 03:40:07 PM
I have two policies.

"customer comes first" and "satisfaction guaranteed"
 
2012-07-03 03:40:48 PM

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: I can't get over the mental image that the phrase "her vagina is George Foreman" presents.


Yeah. I just know that the next time my girlfriend is feeling in the mood, everything will be going well, we'll be getting serious then all of a sudden BAM! George Foreman will pop into my head. And then I'll be entirely unable to explain why I just want to cuddle tonight.
 
2012-07-03 03:40:54 PM

JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.

Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.

Well, I'm not a woman, but a man. Hmmm... You do bring up common problem for tall men and short women. I have no idea of how large you are, but one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way. If this prevents you from getting into her far enough to pleasure yourself, a little pillow under her hips will raise things up just a bit. The only problem with this position is that you are at an odd angle and it can cause cramps in your thighs.


http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.
 
2012-07-03 03:40:57 PM

qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike


I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.
 
2012-07-03 03:40:59 PM
30. "Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay... when you do them, that is."
Yes, because when she does them, it counts as a woman doing the work she's goddamn supposed to be doing.


Is there supposed to be a joke in there somewhere? 'Cause I don't ... see ...
 
2012-07-03 03:43:09 PM

JackieRabbit: one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way.


Do not ever say "tummy" and "bottom" when talking about sex. Thank you.
 
2012-07-03 03:43:44 PM

JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.

Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.

Well, I'm not a woman, but a man. Hmmm... You do bring up common problem for tall men and short women. I have no idea of how large you are, but one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way. If this prevents you from getting into her far enough to pleasure yourself, a little pillow under her hips will raise things up just a bit. The only problem with this position is that you are at an odd angle and it can cause cramps in your thighs.


Haha sorry. After the loss of sensation comment I guess I assumed you were a woman.

Yeah we toy around with various positions, but it'shiat or miss. Some hit her vaginal walls just the wrong way and cause her a bit of pain even though I'm not that far in her. Other's work really well but she has a hard time maintaining said position(as in holding herself in the right spot, or me keeping myself in the right spot as well). She likes to get on top, which is one of my favorite ways too(hooray easily accessible boobies!) but it's a double edged sword. I can go forever with her on top, but that's also the problem.. I can go forever. It's not the maintaining an erection thing that's tough, for some reason I have a really hard time finishing with her in control like that.

As far as my own size, and I'm being honest here, I've never measured it in my life. Not once. So I have no clue to be perfectly honest. I've always just figured it was pretty average. Though I've been told it's on the larger end for a white guy.
 
2012-07-03 03:43:46 PM
Or if you really want to mess things up, you can do this:

http://notalwaysromantic.com/pray-hes-joker-ing/22263
 
2012-07-03 03:45:22 PM

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Fairly accurate. My wife takes an inordinate amount of amusement in how quick I climax when she tells me that she just isn't going to that night and I should just go ahead and do what i need to. On some nights she even gets the whole sentence out before I do.

And for the record "Team Surprise Anal Sex" is my new favorite band name.
 
2012-07-03 03:46:39 PM
Why are google ads for this thread offering me a degree in Bible studies???
 
2012-07-03 03:47:15 PM

LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.


At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.
 
2012-07-03 03:47:15 PM

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


I pretty much agree with your rules above. And "if" you are a guy who is a little on the premature side (or even worried that you might be) use alternate options to reach #1 prior to checking the oil. Especially on a first encounter where you want a second.
 
2012-07-03 03:47:40 PM
FTA: "12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

And other articles will tell you a steady diet of asparagus is bad for oral sex since it makes your semen taste bitter. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
 
2012-07-03 03:49:52 PM

Strategeryz0r: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.


Liberator are marital aids of the furniture/pillow sort. They get people to the correct height, better angles, etc without trying to jam a bunch of pillows under her hips. Plus they won't get weird looks under your bed since they look more like gymnastic mats then sex aids (heck they've been on Oprah).
 
2012-07-03 03:50:33 PM

LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.


I've been looking at those, but... They seem like they SHOULD work, but I'm not sure how to brace myself. Do the manufacturers take that into account?

Also, I cringe at the thought of my 6 year old stealing it and using it as a pillow for watching TV.

/Damn kids
 
2012-07-03 03:51:01 PM

Persnickety: qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike

I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.


The real question is why he ever left girlfriend 5?
 
2012-07-03 03:51:28 PM

Aidan: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

I've been looking at those, but... They seem like they SHOULD work, but I'm not sure how to brace myself. Do the manufacturers take that into account?

Also, I cringe at the thought of my 6 year old stealing it and using it as a pillow for watching TV.

/Damn kids


Clorox wipes
 
2012-07-03 03:53:12 PM

LaraAmber: Clorox wipes


A-farking-men.

Oh. You mean for the liberator, not the kid? Okay. :)
 
2012-07-03 03:53:14 PM
"25. "Rope-a-dope: "

And we're done here. So you think of her as a dope? Nice...
 
2012-07-03 03:55:53 PM

Strategeryz0r: Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep.


Supposedly that's not uncommon, average vaginal depth is less than average penile length.

If you develop a beer belly that will help keep you from going too deep, though there may be other side effects.
 
2012-07-03 03:56:52 PM

spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"


The best move ever is the 'bobsled'. This is when you are farking a girl doggy style on top of a long staircase. You then grab her arms and ride her down. Just be careful you don't slip out. If you catch your willy on a step on the way down, you may hear a very disconcerting 'crack' followed by a searing pain in the groinal area. Trust me on this. This is a tough one to explain to the doctor.

Also for those with staircases that change directions, make sure you shift your body wieght so you make the turn. You don't want to explain to the doctor how she has a concusion and you have your front teeth broken off in the back of her head.

Also make sure your girl has a sense of humor. You don't want to explain to the docto why you have no penis.
 
2012-07-03 03:57:27 PM

Gaseous Anomaly: Strategeryz0r: Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep.

Supposedly that's not uncommon, average vaginal depth is less than average penile length.

If you develop a beer belly that will help keep you from going too deep, though there may be other side effects.


It'll keep me from going too deep by ensuring I never go in there at all. =P
 
2012-07-03 03:57:42 PM

Strategeryz0r: Yeah we toy around with various positions, but it'shiat or miss. Some hit her vaginal walls just the wrong way and cause her a bit of pain even though I'm not that far in her. Other's work really well but she has a hard time maintaining said position(as in holding herself in the right spot, or me keeping myself in the right spot as well). She likes to get on top, which is one of my favorite ways too(hooray easily accessible boobies!) but it's a double edged sword. I can go forever with her on top, but that's also the problem.. I can go forever. It's not the maintaining an erection thing that's tough, for some reason I have a really hard time finishing with her in control like that.

As far as my own size, and I'm being honest here, I've never measured it in my life. Not once. So I have no clue to be perfectly honest. I've always just figured it was pretty average. Though I've been told it's on the larger end for a white guy.


I know just what you what you mean her being on top. As we get older, it naturally becomes more difficult to maintain an erection when we are on our back. Supposedly Viagra helps with this, though I have never used it. Do you have a curvature to your penis (Peyronie's Disease)? A straight penis should not hurt her unless you really miss on a forceful thrust, especially if you are average or just above average in length. But one that has a too sharp a curve can cause pain. Indeed, my wife loves for me to thrust at different angles. Of course, the problem may not be with you at all. Some women just have very sensitive vaginas. But good problems to have. Amiright?
 
2012-07-03 04:00:54 PM
6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."
i4.photobucket.com
"You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick her palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school."
 
2012-07-03 04:01:13 PM

Strategeryz0r:
My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.


Suggestion 1: Trim down there. Going down on a guy and choking on a hair isn't fun.
Suggestion 2: Just try chocolate sauce or something else she already likes.
Suggestion 3: Cut down on red meat and start eating sweet things like pineapple.
Suggestion 4: Keep your hands to yourself and off her head/neck. Better yet, you be laying down.
 
2012-07-03 04:01:44 PM

Kazrath: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

I pretty much agree with your rules above. And "if" you are a guy who is a little on the premature side (or even worried that you might be) use alternate options to reach #1 prior to checking the oil. Especially on a first encounter where you want a second.


Never been much of a problem for me. Usually what "does it" for her does little for me, aside from feeling vaguely warm and wet, so I just stay hard for an hour or more and let her go to town like it's a living dildo. Gets a bit painful after a while though. This is one of the reasons i really don't like sex very much.
 
2012-07-03 04:02:09 PM
From TFA:
9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."
And according to my research, it tastes crunchy and delicious.


Canadians know that the smell of burnt toast is a sign of imminent seizures.
 
2012-07-03 04:02:22 PM

Strategeryz0r: to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.


Aim your thrust a little to the side (left, right, high or low) by 5-10 degrees or so, instead of straight down the vaginal canal. Don't pound her cervix.
 
2012-07-03 04:02:25 PM

Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.


It lessens the friction. Also, once a lady has gotten off once or twice pre-coital, her muscles relax a bit so things are not *quite* as tight.

/ is a lady
// likes the friction...the sweet, sweet friction
 
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