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(Jezebel)   36 terrible sex tips for men. Your all inclusive guide to quickly ending a relationship   (jezebel.com) divider line 326
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39636 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Jul 2012 at 1:01 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-03 01:56:32 PM
I'll have to alter my sex fantasy scenario to include forcing a live vibrator into George Foreman's mouth.
 
2012-07-03 01:57:55 PM

AirForceVet: OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.


Well, the thing is, they have the same sorts of tips for women's magazines. The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.
 
2012-07-03 01:58:22 PM

cig-mkr: To quickly end a relationship, after you finish, jump up and wipe your dick on the curtainscat.


/could possibly end your life too, depending on cat
 
2012-07-03 02:00:26 PM

tricycleracer: ObscureNameHere: miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'

But 60% of the time my girlfriend requests anal every time.


I didn't realize hands came with assholes these days. Incredible times we're in.
 
2012-07-03 02:00:39 PM
Should have been entitled "How to End Up Mournfully Whacking Off and Yelling Names in No Time".
 
2012-07-03 02:01:06 PM
Someone already covered putting Nutella on your chap, but this:

20."Take a home pregnancy test."

Made me LOL.

Also--

To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to "stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes."

cravencottagenewsround.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-07-03 02:02:28 PM

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.
 
2012-07-03 02:02:31 PM

IlGreven: The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.


I'm not so sure about that. However, fortunately for the ladies, those men also smell strongly of Axe.
 
2012-07-03 02:02:46 PM
Mop?
Pop your chap?

Who wrote this thing?
 
2012-07-03 02:03:08 PM
Is the Costanza Knuckle in there?
 
2012-07-03 02:07:21 PM
Nothing on modified wooden toilet rollers?

Wow. Just, wow.


Question for the gay guys who enjoy giving blowjobs: spit, swallow or pull off and watch?
 
2012-07-03 02:07:45 PM

alwaysjaded: [i881.photobucket.com image 467x700]

/ oblig


Awesome.

/Right click and save.
 
2012-07-03 02:09:55 PM

captjc: [i50.tinypic.com image 510x365]


i50.tinypic.com

1.bp.blogspot.com

what is that from that so completely rips animation off from Beauty and the Beast?
 
2012-07-03 02:10:04 PM
Lenny: Yeah, you must be some kind of marriage super-genius, how about a few tips?

Homer: Certainly, Lenford. Make every day a celebration of your love. Surprise her with a pasta-salad. Put a mini-beret on your wang.

Lenny: Oh, this stuff is gold.

Carl: Happy marriage, here I come.
 
2012-07-03 02:13:17 PM

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: I can't get over the mental image that the phrase "her vagina is George Foreman" presents.


Could be worse.

Her vagina could be Don King.
 
2012-07-03 02:13:53 PM
Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse.

This only ends two ways- a slap followed by a restraining order or vomiting on each other.
 
2012-07-03 02:17:02 PM

nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.


I think I've just found two new favorites!
 
2012-07-03 02:20:46 PM
Men's Health is kind of the Jezebel for men, after all.
 
2012-07-03 02:22:39 PM
37) Fill your bed with potatoes.
38) Bring back that feeling of when you first started courting: Make love in a car - parked in her parents' driveway! (Or cemetary parking lot if they're deceased)
39) Two words: Burlap sheets.
40) One word: Stilts.
41) Nothing says hot, wet sexy fun like a lake in Florida in the summertime.
42) Bang pots and pans together clangorously when you sense your partner reaching orgasm. Some people refer to this as the "scaregasm".
43) Foreplay: Every player strips down and is armed with a roll of sticky tape; the objective being to use strips of sticky tape to remove hair from one of the other players. Eventually everyone will have gone to Brazil and then the smooth, sexy fun can start. Note: This can involve a lot of running and screaming, so proper hydration is a must!
44) Media can set the mood: Vacation slideshows rescued from rubbish tips and estate sales can take you "around the world".
45) The importance of a safe word: Make sure this is well establish beforehand. Good choices are "ouch", "harder" and "honorificabilitudinitatibus".

Have fun!
 
2012-07-03 02:25:03 PM

Vangor: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

I imagine at least 81 percent of women do not want you to attempt any sexual activity without asking.

31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Wasn't this a comic about how much Europeans loved Nutella?


English are Marmite.
Australians are Vegemite.
Americans are Nutella.

It's all the same, basically.
 
2012-07-03 02:26:12 PM
Am I the only one who finds it hysterical that sex advice columns for women tend to revolve around overly elaborate, or seemingly painful, things they should be doing to their man....

While sex advice columns for men seem to revolve around a complicated set of statistics and measurements to help gauge that she's "in the mood."

I only ever had one move I needed to get in a woman's pants, well you could count it as two.

Here it is: "Look her in the eyes when you speak to her, and talk to her like a human farking being."

Using this rule you will find your woman will enjoy being around you more, and will enjoy letting you have tons of sexy time because you're not treating her tits like her eyeballs.
 
2012-07-03 02:27:46 PM
37) Don't forget the donkey punch when you've successfully gone in for the surprise buttsex. Since she'll be so busy yelling about the wrong hole she won't even notice you winding up for the right cross!
 
2012-07-03 02:29:16 PM

Prevailing Wind: ...ANNNNNNND my new screen name will be "Team Surprise Anal"


Just remember, it's not rape if you yell "surprise!"

9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."

Do you like toast, baby? Yes? Hey, we've got a lot in common, what with the toast and all.

/I can't believe they didn't suggest magnetic pants.
 
2012-07-03 02:30:35 PM
Or the number one farker recommended method to initiate sexual encounters, just start rubbing your junk. If she joins in, bonus.
 
2012-07-03 02:31:17 PM
27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

A surprising 29 percent of women want you to attempt anal sex without asking -- that's almost 1 in 3!
 
2012-07-03 02:32:08 PM
Ack. fark.

19 percent

Only 1 in 5.
 
2012-07-03 02:32:21 PM

Porous Horace: Bang pots and pans together clangorously when you sense your partner reaching orgasm. Some people refer to this as the "scaregasm".


This did cause me to Laugh Aloud and for that, in the sweltering aftermath of El Derecho and the second tree on my house in 2 years, I thank ye.
 
2012-07-03 02:34:02 PM

Dustin_00: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

A surprising 29 percent of women want you to attempt anal sex without asking -- that's almost 1 in 3!


A math major, right?
 
2012-07-03 02:34:27 PM

frepnog: captjc: [i50.tinypic.com image 510x365]

[i50.tinypic.com image 510x365]

[1.bp.blogspot.com image 400x286]

what is that from that so completely rips animation off from Beauty and the Beast?


I think it's LoZ: Skyward Sword
You can't tell that's photoshopped? Link
 
2012-07-03 02:34:52 PM

StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.


Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike
 
2012-07-03 02:36:21 PM
29. "Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button. Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal."
And her boobs will be minty fresh!


I do it with toothpaste.
 
2012-07-03 02:38:44 PM

nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.


How YOU doin'?
 
2012-07-03 02:39:17 PM

Strategeryz0r: Here it is: "Look her in the eyes when you speak to her, and talk to her like a human farking being."


Also, ask her questions. Specifically, the questions she hints that she wants you to ask, so that she can keep talking.

Bonus: Once you've figured out what the next question is, you don't have to listen anymore. Just wait for a long pause and fire at will.
 
2012-07-03 02:40:34 PM

qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike


Absolutely right. Every woman is different. And each woman is different at different times. It's one of the things that is most intriguing and frustrating about them.
 
2012-07-03 02:40:44 PM
FTA - 31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Listen my fellow gentlemen, this is not proper behavior.

What you just did is wrong. Wrong in so many ways.

Next time, be a bit more considerate to everybody around you and get a spoon, put the spoon in the Nutella jar, then apply the Nutella to your chap with the spoon.

/you are welcome
 
2012-07-03 02:41:25 PM

imontheinternet: Strategeryz0r: Here it is: "Look her in the eyes when you speak to her, and talk to her like a human farking being."

Also, ask her questions. Specifically, the questions she hints that she wants you to ask, so that she can keep talking.

Bonus: Once you've figured out what the next question is, you don't have to listen anymore. Just wait for a long pause and fire at will.


That's it!

We're writing a book on how to pickup women together. We shall be MILLIONAIRES!!
 
2012-07-03 02:42:42 PM
#38 if you read about a "move" on Urban Dictionary don't try it. High giving your buddies because you managed to get a half passed out sorority girl to agree to a Brazilian Flapjack in between vomiting fits does not make you a good lover.
 
2012-07-03 02:42:55 PM

theorellior: Also--

To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to "stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes."


That "tip" stuck out for me as well. Nothing gets me ready to go than ice-cold feet on my wang.
 
2012-07-03 02:43:21 PM

paswa17: FTA - 31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Listen my fellow gentlemen, this is not proper behavior.

What you just did is wrong. Wrong in so many ways.

Next time, be a bit more considerate to everybody around you and get a spoon, put the spoon in the Nutella jar, then apply the Nutella to your chap with the spoon.

/you are welcome


Seems appropriate.
 
2012-07-03 02:47:05 PM

Porous Horace: "Hey there, wanna fark?"
"Sure thing, sweet-talker."


Eh, the one time it works makes a funny enough story to balance out the 2 or 3 times it ruins what you had going.

I mean, generally speaking if you reach the point where a pick-up line is even appropriate, there's already a mutual interest established so it's just a matter of not turning it off.
 
2012-07-03 02:47:07 PM

nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.


I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.
 
2012-07-03 02:48:00 PM

titwrench: High giving your buddies because you managed to get a half passed out sorority girl to agree to a Brazilian Flapjack in between vomiting fits does not make you a good lover.


But it might lead to your buddies wanting to try it too next time you're drunk at the frat house together.
 
2012-07-03 02:50:41 PM

El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.


Jesus, I wish. I'm a one-and-done girl. My husband is multiorgasmic. Thankfully he religiously adheres to the "hers before yers" rule.
 
2012-07-03 02:55:02 PM

El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.


Yup. It's a pretty easy way to ensure awesome naughty times.
 
2012-07-03 02:58:57 PM

Christian Bale: Sometimes I wonder if the writers are laughing about how many people they get to do stupid things based on these articles. Licking a girl's palm?


I think the writers are trying to up their own odds.

qualtrough: //No two are alike


And there we go the only thing that is actually 100% true.
 
2012-07-03 03:02:06 PM

El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.


You like your partners young, eh?

[pedobearapproved.jpg]
 
2012-07-03 03:02:14 PM

El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.


OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"
 
2012-07-03 03:03:42 PM

Strategeryz0r: That's it!

We're writing a book on how to pickup women together. We shall be MILLIONAIRES!!


Relax, Guy: How to talk to women and have them like you without acting like a complete douchebag. FARK EDITION
 
2012-07-03 03:04:43 PM

Jim_Callahan: Porous Horace: "Hey there, wanna fark?"
"Sure thing, sweet-talker."

Eh, the one time it works makes a funny enough story to balance out the 2 or 3 times it ruins what you had going.

I mean, generally speaking if you reach the point where a pick-up line is even appropriate, there's already a mutual interest established so it's just a matter of not turning it off.


Reminds me of that weird thread where people were encouraged to text random potential sexual partners with "Hey, when you gonna let me tap that?" ..... if it works, hey you're getting laid, if not, you can play it off as a joke
 
2012-07-03 03:06:31 PM

Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.

OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.
 
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