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(Jezebel)   36 terrible sex tips for men. Your all inclusive guide to quickly ending a relationship   (jezebel.com) divider line 326
    More: Obvious, 1 decimetre, Bodybuilding supplement, human centipede, pleasure center, Jamie Lee Curtis, folic acid, sex drives, school dance  
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39629 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Jul 2012 at 1:01 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-07-03 01:16:24 PM
"The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt" -- so offer to spray some on her back.
 
2012-07-03 01:17:05 PM
The author sounds fat.

I bet she sports some fine looking horn-rims though.
 
2012-07-03 01:17:56 PM

Jake Havechek: So 19% of women do want you to attempt anal sex without asking?


I find that this varies slightly depending on if you are already having normal sex with her or you attempt it in a dimly lit area without introducing yourself first.
 
2012-07-03 01:17:58 PM
The "warm feet" point (#24) is valid, even if their remedy for it is iffy at best. My recommendation: buy attractively-patterned, knee-high socks for the lady. Warm feet plus they can stay on for a sexy look. It is a win.

Otherwise: sheesh. Jezebel was right to tear this one apart.
 
2012-07-03 01:19:44 PM
www.morethings.com

Sex tips from this guy.

/you've 'ad sex, right?
//wot's it like?
 
2012-07-03 01:20:03 PM
11. Eat L-Arginine, which "allows more blood flow to the penis..."

...and exacerbates cold sores.
 
2012-07-03 01:22:51 PM
Some of you guys have so much to learn about women and sex. It's really quite pathetic.
 
2012-07-03 01:22:57 PM

Porous Horace: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.


Maybe the idea is to tie it to your di*k after you cook it?
 
2012-07-03 01:23:09 PM
...ANNNNNNND my new screen name will be "Team Surprise Anal"
 
2012-07-03 01:23:13 PM
#37 - Put a piece of chocolate on your penis and dangle it like a fishing lure. If she bites off your dinger-donger in one chomp, she's not into you.
 
2012-07-03 01:24:50 PM

AirForceVet: Pocket Ninja, do you write for Penthouse Forum as your day job?

/*golf clap*


Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought this would happen to me, but...
 
2012-07-03 01:25:45 PM

The Bunyip: "The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt" -- so offer to spray some on her back.


Now we can go with the obvious shooting semen onto her back, or I can assume that you carry around cups of Dannon on your person just saving them for the moment when her back lays unprotected and you rip off the lid and dump that chunky semi-liquid strawberry dairy product all over her.
 
2012-07-03 01:25:55 PM
Ok what is it with these articles today?

Is Jezebel trying to arm unwitting singles with horrible advice for the 4th of July festivities? or just further perpetuating every dumb stereotypical dating article that's ever run through GQ and Cosmo?

I understand the receptionist at your work looks smokin hot in that sundress at the company BBQ, but she's been reading the same crappy articles as You. Both of you are going to end up making awkward eye contact the next morning because of what you did behind the bleachers.
 
2012-07-03 01:26:58 PM
i50.tinypic.com
 
2012-07-03 01:26:59 PM

Porous Horace: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.


Asparagus would be the last thing I'd eat before an evening of hard sex. Makes my pee smell like sulfur.
 
2012-07-03 01:27:16 PM
Bungee cords and vaseline, baby.
 
2012-07-03 01:27:57 PM
12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!
 
2012-07-03 01:28:33 PM

factoryconnection: The "warm feet" point (#24) is valid, even if their remedy for it is iffy at best. My recommendation: buy attractively-patterned, knee-high socks for the lady. Warm feet plus they can stay on for a sexy look. It is a win.

Otherwise: sheesh. Jezebel was right to tear this one apart.


... I dunno. Usually sex warms my feet up (the only thing that does, because female = lizard of course), so generally if my feet are cold I'll be more amenable to a quick warmup. :)
 
2012-07-03 01:28:46 PM
"Try facial intercourse"

//I call that a BJ in my house and after marriage became a less common event.
 
2012-07-03 01:28:53 PM
Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.
 
2012-07-03 01:29:40 PM
"Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse."

Uh, that's not my definition of "facial intercourse".

/Nor the porn industry's.
 
2012-07-03 01:30:49 PM

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Mine calls me "oh God".
 
2012-07-03 01:32:00 PM
Dress to digress.
 
2012-07-03 01:32:38 PM
Their mistake was separating them into 36 different tips. These only work if you do them all at the same time.
 
2012-07-03 01:32:52 PM
27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

I imagine at least 81 percent of women do not want you to attempt any sexual activity without asking.

31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Wasn't this a comic about how much Europeans loved Nutella?
 
2012-07-03 01:33:18 PM

Scarrio: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!


I had a patient say something similar to me once.

"So, what brings you in today?"
"It's about my jizz."
"What?"
"My girl says my jizz tastes funny."
 
2012-07-03 01:33:26 PM
Always meditate to regain mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
 
2012-07-03 01:35:43 PM

Sword and Shield: Scarrio: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!

I had a patient say something similar to me once.

"So, what brings you in today?"
"It's about my jizz."
"What?"
"My girl says my jizz tastes funny."


Did you send him to the bathroom with some porn and a urine cup to "bring you a sample for testing?".
 
2012-07-03 01:36:03 PM
 
2012-07-03 01:36:08 PM

bim1154: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

Mine calls me "oh God".



Hitachi Magic Wand. All I'm saying.
 
2012-07-03 01:36:35 PM
25. "Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman.

Hey Gorilla, your sex play is vanilla!
 
2012-07-03 01:36:52 PM
"Spend a night in an igloo in the Finnish Laplands."
Pack one sleeping bag.
 
2012-07-03 01:37:25 PM
the ultimate break-up facilitator

/dutch-oven!
 
2012-07-03 01:38:17 PM
27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

Key is to find the 19%
 
2012-07-03 01:40:02 PM
I'm into facial intercourse, but not THAT kind of facial intercourse.
 
2012-07-03 01:40:40 PM

some_beer_drinker: Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.

so, pocket ninja is a chick. ok. did not see that coming.


Read it again to double-check that assessment... the parentheses make it a bit tricky, but you'll see that you've made an incorrect interpretation.
 
2012-07-03 01:41:00 PM

miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'
 
2012-07-03 01:41:15 PM
Sometimes I wonder if the writers are laughing about how many people they get to do stupid things based on these articles. Licking a girl's palm?

But I also wonder about Jezebel's policy on plagiarism. Is it ok to reprint an entire article from another site/magazine just as long as you add a not-funny, snarky, or bitter comment after it?

And no link to the actual article you stole, that's classy.
 
2012-07-03 01:41:55 PM
I thought Jezabel was for chicks who didn't get laid...
 
2012-07-03 01:42:00 PM

ObscureNameHere: miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'


But 60% of the time my girlfriend requests anal every time.
 
2012-07-03 01:45:52 PM
I don't claim to know if any of those are accurate or not, but regardless, none of them are anything i'd try, so it doesn't really matter. Most of them just sounded just like random happenstances that the author fell into by accident.
 
2012-07-03 01:45:56 PM

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


i.imgur.com
 
2012-07-03 01:46:18 PM
I know I'm getting older and my eyes aren't what they used to be, but for some reason, I thought the tag said "Lezebel".
 
2012-07-03 01:46:19 PM

Christian Bale: Sometimes I wonder if the writers are laughing about how many people they get to do stupid things based on these articles. Licking a girl's palm?

But I also wonder about Jezebel's policy on plagiarism. Is it ok to reprint an entire article from another site/magazine just as long as you add a not-funny, snarky, or bitter comment after it?

And no link to the actual article you stole, that's classy.


I think that is a rule on every gawker media website.
 
2012-07-03 01:46:22 PM

Sword and Shield: Scarrio: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!

I had a patient say something similar to me once.

"So, what brings you in today?"
"It's about my jizz."
"What?"
"My girl says my jizz tastes funny."


Tell him to quit smoking.
 
2012-07-03 01:48:35 PM
9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."

Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast.

/Or muffins
 
2012-07-03 01:48:54 PM

AirForceVet: OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.


this will will reduce competition for the article writer. If only he can get enough guys to follow them, he will TOTALLY get laid. this millennium.
 
2012-07-03 01:52:33 PM

tricycleracer: ObscureNameHere: miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'

But 60% of the time my girlfriend requests anal every time.


Time to get enzyte!
 
2012-07-03 01:53:33 PM

indarwinsshadow: I know I'm getting older and my eyes aren't what they used to be, but for some reason, I thought the tag said "Lezebel".


Close enough.
 
2012-07-03 01:54:49 PM
To quickly end a relationship, after you finish, jump up and wipe your dick on the curtains.
 
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