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(Jezebel)   36 terrible sex tips for men. Your all inclusive guide to quickly ending a relationship   (jezebel.com) divider line 326
    More: Obvious, 1 decimetre, Bodybuilding supplement, human centipede, pleasure center, Jamie Lee Curtis, folic acid, sex drives, school dance  
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39684 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Jul 2012 at 1:01 PM (3 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



326 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2012-07-03 06:30:41 AM  
Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."


So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.
 
2012-07-03 06:51:53 AM  

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


It's worth the risk. If you find the one that doesn't freak out, put a ring on it.
 
2012-07-03 07:06:09 AM  

doglover: miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

It's worth the risk. If you find the one that doesn't freak out, put a ring on it.


Reminds me of that bit from Louis CK:

www.coachralphy.com

"Oooh, I'm getting kind of a rapey vibe from this girl, I don't know. I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that's her thing. I don't wanna ask first and ruin it so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell? What's the worst that could happen after all?" NSFW audio
 
2012-07-03 07:19:12 AM  
Are you supposed to know, or have introduced the woman before you lick the hand? I ask because of.. a friend, yes, a friend wants to know. I didn't just try it on a random stranger. No...
 
2012-07-03 07:25:55 AM  
Mop.
 
2012-07-03 07:32:20 AM  
That was hilarious
 
2012-07-03 08:07:46 AM  

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


Hey girl, there's a 20% chance you're going to enjoy this.
 
2012-07-03 08:22:38 AM  
Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"
 
2012-07-03 08:29:19 AM  

BurnShrike: Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"


When I get tired but the girl isn't finished my mutant sperm can finish the job for me. Win win.
 
2012-07-03 08:40:43 AM  
Mutant Sperm would be a good band name.
 
2012-07-03 08:45:10 AM  
this is going to get ugly, and we will be lucky to live though it, etc
 
2012-07-03 09:02:38 AM  
Reduce dating advice to science. B*tches love science.
 
2012-07-03 09:23:12 AM  

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.



I'll take those odds. The palm thing is just stupid, though.

Unless it's the gateway to "Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive."
 
2012-07-03 09:43:16 AM  
Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.
 
2012-07-03 09:44:57 AM  
OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.
 
2012-07-03 09:46:27 AM  
Pocket Ninja, do you write for Penthouse Forum as your day job?

/*golf clap*
 
2012-07-03 09:49:56 AM  
Lick the palm? Just do what I do. Rip your shirt off, grunt and show your dominance by peeing on her. She'll be impressed by your alpha status and will immediately present her anus.

/ every crazy lady I've ever known has a stack of Cosmos
// Maxim is Cosmo for dudes
 
2012-07-03 09:50:42 AM  

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


So I should prime my wife with a little "cream" in her coffee?

All hail Pocket Ninja: Idea/Wordsmith extraordinaire. (not snark - sincere).
 
2012-07-03 09:54:55 AM  
"Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Hell, I use this on most first dates. Of course, by the time I get around to whipping out my Nutella-junk, it's all sweaty and lousy with lint.
 
2012-07-03 10:16:39 AM  
Weird, "terrible sex tip" is my pet name for the last half of my penis.
 
2012-07-03 10:16:54 AM  

MrBallou: Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.

So I should prime my wife with a little "cream" in her coffee?

All hail Pocket Ninja: Idea/Wordsmith extraordinaire. (not snark - sincere).


As I've said before, this is his world, we just live in it.
 
2012-07-03 10:27:44 AM  
"Your post-run sweat has androstadienone... that spikes her arousal when she smells it."

3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-07-03 10:39:59 AM  

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


so, pocket ninja is a chick. ok. did not see that coming.
 
2012-07-03 10:43:25 AM  

BurnShrike: 15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"


southparkstudios-intl.mtvnimages.com

My eyes are up here.
 
2012-07-03 10:45:44 AM  
i881.photobucket.com

/ oblig
 
2012-07-03 10:48:21 AM  
Mop?
 
2012-07-03 11:12:20 AM  
Hey there sweetheart, what say you go get the ol' Brazilian on that unruly mop of yours so that I can show you some real penis-pleasure?
 
2012-07-03 11:32:20 AM  

wyltoknow: Hey there sweetheart, what say you go get the ol' Brazilian on that unruly mop of yours so that I can show you some real penis-pleasure?


I hope everyone is taking notes, cause THAT's how you sweet talk.
 
2012-07-03 11:34:36 AM  
Good thing women on the pill aren't forced to wear a scarlet "P" on their chests, or this magazine would go out of business.
 
2012-07-03 11:55:10 AM  
I can't get over the mental image that the phrase "her vagina is George Foreman" presents.
 
2012-07-03 01:04:48 PM  
37. remove your dick completely prior to every thrust. this will ensure it breaks
 
2012-07-03 01:05:36 PM  

GAT_00: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

Hey girl, there's a 20% chance you're going to enjoy this.


That, added to the 90% chance the guy will enjoy it, adds up to 110%!
 
M-G
2012-07-03 01:06:21 PM  
Men's Health has tips for sex with women? I can picture all their readers pointing it out to their friends as proof they're straight, before they go back to looking at those pics of glistening men.

/NTTAWTT
 
2012-07-03 01:06:23 PM  
"Hey there, wanna fark?"
"Sure thing, sweet-talker."
 
2012-07-03 01:06:26 PM  
32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.
 
2012-07-03 01:06:46 PM  

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


This is why I have you favorited. For awesome tips like this.
 
2012-07-03 01:07:16 PM  
So 19% of women do want you to attempt anal sex without asking?
 
2012-07-03 01:08:21 PM  

alwaysjaded: [i881.photobucket.com image 467x700]

/ oblig


LOL! That's epic right there.
 
2012-07-03 01:09:23 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com



go with cotton candy
 
2012-07-03 01:09:24 PM  

the_rev: Mutant Sperm would be a good band name.


Their first album: "Demon Seed"
 
2012-07-03 01:10:12 PM  

StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.


I don't think the author ever had sex ed as part of their curriculum. Thus, their argument is invalid.
 
2012-07-03 01:11:16 PM  
Look, I won't waste your time with these tips ladies, because frankly I'm on the run and don't have the time. The FBI is after my penis.
 
2012-07-03 01:11:17 PM  
"...we snuck off to a side room, where I gave him a killer blowjob. By the time I was finished, there was a crowd of people watching, which had always been a huge fantasy of mine."
 
2012-07-03 01:12:12 PM  
Ok, this one I liked...
 
2012-07-03 01:12:51 PM  
Meh, most farkers have no problems screwing up their relationships.

/who wants to play WOW?
 
2012-07-03 01:13:06 PM  
12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.
 
2012-07-03 01:13:25 PM  
Nothing about suprise buttsex?
 
2012-07-03 01:13:50 PM  

Rwa2play: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

I don't think the author ever had sex ed as part of their curriculum. Thus, their argument is invalid.


Forget sex ed, I was thinking about locker room banter amongst horny but clueless 12 year-olds.
 
2012-07-03 01:14:44 PM  
They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"
 
2012-07-03 01:15:45 PM  

Jon iz teh kewl: 37. remove your dick completely prior to every thrust. this will ensure it breaks


I broke mine. Very painful!
 
2012-07-03 01:16:24 PM  
"The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt" -- so offer to spray some on her back.
 
2012-07-03 01:17:05 PM  
The author sounds fat.

I bet she sports some fine looking horn-rims though.
 
2012-07-03 01:17:56 PM  

Jake Havechek: So 19% of women do want you to attempt anal sex without asking?


I find that this varies slightly depending on if you are already having normal sex with her or you attempt it in a dimly lit area without introducing yourself first.
 
2012-07-03 01:17:58 PM  
The "warm feet" point (#24) is valid, even if their remedy for it is iffy at best. My recommendation: buy attractively-patterned, knee-high socks for the lady. Warm feet plus they can stay on for a sexy look. It is a win.

Otherwise: sheesh. Jezebel was right to tear this one apart.
 
2012-07-03 01:19:44 PM  
www.morethings.com

Sex tips from this guy.

/you've 'ad sex, right?
//wot's it like?
 
2012-07-03 01:20:03 PM  
11. Eat L-Arginine, which "allows more blood flow to the penis..."

...and exacerbates cold sores.
 
2012-07-03 01:22:51 PM  
Some of you guys have so much to learn about women and sex. It's really quite pathetic.
 
2012-07-03 01:22:57 PM  

Porous Horace: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.


Maybe the idea is to tie it to your di*k after you cook it?
 
2012-07-03 01:23:09 PM  
...ANNNNNNND my new screen name will be "Team Surprise Anal"
 
2012-07-03 01:23:13 PM  
#37 - Put a piece of chocolate on your penis and dangle it like a fishing lure. If she bites off your dinger-donger in one chomp, she's not into you.
 
2012-07-03 01:24:50 PM  

AirForceVet: Pocket Ninja, do you write for Penthouse Forum as your day job?

/*golf clap*


Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought this would happen to me, but...
 
2012-07-03 01:25:45 PM  

The Bunyip: "The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt" -- so offer to spray some on her back.


Now we can go with the obvious shooting semen onto her back, or I can assume that you carry around cups of Dannon on your person just saving them for the moment when her back lays unprotected and you rip off the lid and dump that chunky semi-liquid strawberry dairy product all over her.
 
2012-07-03 01:25:55 PM  
Ok what is it with these articles today?

Is Jezebel trying to arm unwitting singles with horrible advice for the 4th of July festivities? or just further perpetuating every dumb stereotypical dating article that's ever run through GQ and Cosmo?

I understand the receptionist at your work looks smokin hot in that sundress at the company BBQ, but she's been reading the same crappy articles as You. Both of you are going to end up making awkward eye contact the next morning because of what you did behind the bleachers.
 
2012-07-03 01:26:58 PM  
i50.tinypic.com
 
2012-07-03 01:26:59 PM  

Porous Horace: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.


Asparagus would be the last thing I'd eat before an evening of hard sex. Makes my pee smell like sulfur.
 
2012-07-03 01:27:16 PM  
Bungee cords and vaseline, baby.
 
2012-07-03 01:27:57 PM  
12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!
 
2012-07-03 01:28:33 PM  

factoryconnection: The "warm feet" point (#24) is valid, even if their remedy for it is iffy at best. My recommendation: buy attractively-patterned, knee-high socks for the lady. Warm feet plus they can stay on for a sexy look. It is a win.

Otherwise: sheesh. Jezebel was right to tear this one apart.


... I dunno. Usually sex warms my feet up (the only thing that does, because female = lizard of course), so generally if my feet are cold I'll be more amenable to a quick warmup. :)
 
2012-07-03 01:28:46 PM  
"Try facial intercourse"

//I call that a BJ in my house and after marriage became a less common event.
 
2012-07-03 01:28:53 PM  
Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.
 
2012-07-03 01:29:40 PM  
"Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse."

Uh, that's not my definition of "facial intercourse".

/Nor the porn industry's.
 
2012-07-03 01:30:49 PM  

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Mine calls me "oh God".
 
2012-07-03 01:32:00 PM  
Dress to digress.
 
2012-07-03 01:32:38 PM  
Their mistake was separating them into 36 different tips. These only work if you do them all at the same time.
 
2012-07-03 01:32:52 PM  
27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

I imagine at least 81 percent of women do not want you to attempt any sexual activity without asking.

31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Wasn't this a comic about how much Europeans loved Nutella?
 
2012-07-03 01:33:18 PM  

Scarrio: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!


I had a patient say something similar to me once.

"So, what brings you in today?"
"It's about my jizz."
"What?"
"My girl says my jizz tastes funny."
 
2012-07-03 01:33:26 PM  
Always meditate to regain mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
 
2012-07-03 01:35:43 PM  

Sword and Shield: Scarrio: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!

I had a patient say something similar to me once.

"So, what brings you in today?"
"It's about my jizz."
"What?"
"My girl says my jizz tastes funny."


Did you send him to the bathroom with some porn and a urine cup to "bring you a sample for testing?".
 
2012-07-03 01:36:03 PM  
 
2012-07-03 01:36:08 PM  

bim1154: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

Mine calls me "oh God".



Hitachi Magic Wand. All I'm saying.
 
2012-07-03 01:36:35 PM  
25. "Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman.

Hey Gorilla, your sex play is vanilla!
 
2012-07-03 01:36:52 PM  
"Spend a night in an igloo in the Finnish Laplands."
Pack one sleeping bag.
 
2012-07-03 01:37:25 PM  
the ultimate break-up facilitator

/dutch-oven!
 
2012-07-03 01:38:17 PM  
27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

Key is to find the 19%
 
2012-07-03 01:40:02 PM  
I'm into facial intercourse, but not THAT kind of facial intercourse.
 
2012-07-03 01:40:40 PM  

some_beer_drinker: Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.

so, pocket ninja is a chick. ok. did not see that coming.


Read it again to double-check that assessment... the parentheses make it a bit tricky, but you'll see that you've made an incorrect interpretation.
 
2012-07-03 01:41:00 PM  

miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'
 
2012-07-03 01:41:15 PM  
Sometimes I wonder if the writers are laughing about how many people they get to do stupid things based on these articles. Licking a girl's palm?

But I also wonder about Jezebel's policy on plagiarism. Is it ok to reprint an entire article from another site/magazine just as long as you add a not-funny, snarky, or bitter comment after it?

And no link to the actual article you stole, that's classy.
 
2012-07-03 01:41:55 PM  
I thought Jezabel was for chicks who didn't get laid...
 
2012-07-03 01:42:00 PM  

ObscureNameHere: miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'


But 60% of the time my girlfriend requests anal every time.
 
2012-07-03 01:45:52 PM  
I don't claim to know if any of those are accurate or not, but regardless, none of them are anything i'd try, so it doesn't really matter. Most of them just sounded just like random happenstances that the author fell into by accident.
 
2012-07-03 01:45:56 PM  

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


i.imgur.com
 
2012-07-03 01:46:18 PM  
I know I'm getting older and my eyes aren't what they used to be, but for some reason, I thought the tag said "Lezebel".
 
2012-07-03 01:46:19 PM  

Christian Bale: Sometimes I wonder if the writers are laughing about how many people they get to do stupid things based on these articles. Licking a girl's palm?

But I also wonder about Jezebel's policy on plagiarism. Is it ok to reprint an entire article from another site/magazine just as long as you add a not-funny, snarky, or bitter comment after it?

And no link to the actual article you stole, that's classy.


I think that is a rule on every gawker media website.
 
2012-07-03 01:46:22 PM  

Sword and Shield: Scarrio: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

It will also make your semen taste like battery acid! Win/win!

I had a patient say something similar to me once.

"So, what brings you in today?"
"It's about my jizz."
"What?"
"My girl says my jizz tastes funny."


Tell him to quit smoking.
 
2012-07-03 01:48:35 PM  
9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."

Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast.

/Or muffins
 
2012-07-03 01:48:54 PM  

AirForceVet: OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.


this will will reduce competition for the article writer. If only he can get enough guys to follow them, he will TOTALLY get laid. this millennium.
 
2012-07-03 01:52:33 PM  

tricycleracer: ObscureNameHere: miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'

But 60% of the time my girlfriend requests anal every time.


Time to get enzyte!
 
2012-07-03 01:53:33 PM  

indarwinsshadow: I know I'm getting older and my eyes aren't what they used to be, but for some reason, I thought the tag said "Lezebel".


Close enough.
 
2012-07-03 01:54:49 PM  
To quickly end a relationship, after you finish, jump up and wipe your dick on the curtains.
 
2012-07-03 01:56:32 PM  
I'll have to alter my sex fantasy scenario to include forcing a live vibrator into George Foreman's mouth.
 
2012-07-03 01:57:55 PM  

AirForceVet: OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.


Well, the thing is, they have the same sorts of tips for women's magazines. The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.
 
2012-07-03 01:58:22 PM  

cig-mkr: To quickly end a relationship, after you finish, jump up and wipe your dick on the curtainscat.


/could possibly end your life too, depending on cat
 
2012-07-03 02:00:26 PM  

tricycleracer: ObscureNameHere: miss diminutive: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

And of the 81% that want you to ask -- 100% say 'No.'

But 60% of the time my girlfriend requests anal every time.


I didn't realize hands came with assholes these days. Incredible times we're in.
 
2012-07-03 02:00:39 PM  
Should have been entitled "How to End Up Mournfully Whacking Off and Yelling Names in No Time".
 
2012-07-03 02:01:06 PM  
Someone already covered putting Nutella on your chap, but this:

20."Take a home pregnancy test."

Made me LOL.

Also--

To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to "stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes."

cravencottagenewsround.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-07-03 02:02:28 PM  

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.
 
2012-07-03 02:02:31 PM  

IlGreven: The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.


I'm not so sure about that. However, fortunately for the ladies, those men also smell strongly of Axe.
 
2012-07-03 02:02:46 PM  
Mop?
Pop your chap?

Who wrote this thing?
 
2012-07-03 02:03:08 PM  
Is the Costanza Knuckle in there?
 
2012-07-03 02:07:21 PM  
Nothing on modified wooden toilet rollers?

Wow. Just, wow.


Question for the gay guys who enjoy giving blowjobs: spit, swallow or pull off and watch?
 
2012-07-03 02:07:45 PM  

alwaysjaded: [i881.photobucket.com image 467x700]

/ oblig


Awesome.

/Right click and save.
 
2012-07-03 02:09:55 PM  

captjc: [i50.tinypic.com image 510x365]


i50.tinypic.com

1.bp.blogspot.com

what is that from that so completely rips animation off from Beauty and the Beast?
 
2012-07-03 02:10:04 PM  
Lenny: Yeah, you must be some kind of marriage super-genius, how about a few tips?

Homer: Certainly, Lenford. Make every day a celebration of your love. Surprise her with a pasta-salad. Put a mini-beret on your wang.

Lenny: Oh, this stuff is gold.

Carl: Happy marriage, here I come.
 
2012-07-03 02:13:17 PM  

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: I can't get over the mental image that the phrase "her vagina is George Foreman" presents.


Could be worse.

Her vagina could be Don King.
 
2012-07-03 02:13:53 PM  
Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse.

This only ends two ways- a slap followed by a restraining order or vomiting on each other.
 
2012-07-03 02:17:02 PM  

nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.


I think I've just found two new favorites!
 
2012-07-03 02:20:46 PM  
Men's Health is kind of the Jezebel for men, after all.
 
2012-07-03 02:22:39 PM  
37) Fill your bed with potatoes.
38) Bring back that feeling of when you first started courting: Make love in a car - parked in her parents' driveway! (Or cemetary parking lot if they're deceased)
39) Two words: Burlap sheets.
40) One word: Stilts.
41) Nothing says hot, wet sexy fun like a lake in Florida in the summertime.
42) Bang pots and pans together clangorously when you sense your partner reaching orgasm. Some people refer to this as the "scaregasm".
43) Foreplay: Every player strips down and is armed with a roll of sticky tape; the objective being to use strips of sticky tape to remove hair from one of the other players. Eventually everyone will have gone to Brazil and then the smooth, sexy fun can start. Note: This can involve a lot of running and screaming, so proper hydration is a must!
44) Media can set the mood: Vacation slideshows rescued from rubbish tips and estate sales can take you "around the world".
45) The importance of a safe word: Make sure this is well establish beforehand. Good choices are "ouch", "harder" and "honorificabilitudinitatibus".

Have fun!
 
2012-07-03 02:25:03 PM  

Vangor: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

I imagine at least 81 percent of women do not want you to attempt any sexual activity without asking.

31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Wasn't this a comic about how much Europeans loved Nutella?


English are Marmite.
Australians are Vegemite.
Americans are Nutella.

It's all the same, basically.
 
2012-07-03 02:26:12 PM  
Am I the only one who finds it hysterical that sex advice columns for women tend to revolve around overly elaborate, or seemingly painful, things they should be doing to their man....

While sex advice columns for men seem to revolve around a complicated set of statistics and measurements to help gauge that she's "in the mood."

I only ever had one move I needed to get in a woman's pants, well you could count it as two.

Here it is: "Look her in the eyes when you speak to her, and talk to her like a human farking being."

Using this rule you will find your woman will enjoy being around you more, and will enjoy letting you have tons of sexy time because you're not treating her tits like her eyeballs.
 
2012-07-03 02:27:46 PM  
37) Don't forget the donkey punch when you've successfully gone in for the surprise buttsex. Since she'll be so busy yelling about the wrong hole she won't even notice you winding up for the right cross!
 
2012-07-03 02:29:16 PM  

Prevailing Wind: ...ANNNNNNND my new screen name will be "Team Surprise Anal"


Just remember, it's not rape if you yell "surprise!"

9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."

Do you like toast, baby? Yes? Hey, we've got a lot in common, what with the toast and all.

/I can't believe they didn't suggest magnetic pants.
 
2012-07-03 02:30:35 PM  
Or the number one farker recommended method to initiate sexual encounters, just start rubbing your junk. If she joins in, bonus.
 
2012-07-03 02:31:17 PM  
27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

A surprising 29 percent of women want you to attempt anal sex without asking -- that's almost 1 in 3!
 
2012-07-03 02:32:08 PM  
Ack. fark.

19 percent

Only 1 in 5.
 
2012-07-03 02:32:21 PM  

Porous Horace: Bang pots and pans together clangorously when you sense your partner reaching orgasm. Some people refer to this as the "scaregasm".


This did cause me to Laugh Aloud and for that, in the sweltering aftermath of El Derecho and the second tree on my house in 2 years, I thank ye.
 
2012-07-03 02:34:02 PM  

Dustin_00: 27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

A surprising 29 percent of women want you to attempt anal sex without asking -- that's almost 1 in 3!


A math major, right?
 
2012-07-03 02:34:27 PM  

frepnog: captjc: [i50.tinypic.com image 510x365]

[i50.tinypic.com image 510x365]

[1.bp.blogspot.com image 400x286]

what is that from that so completely rips animation off from Beauty and the Beast?


I think it's LoZ: Skyward Sword
You can't tell that's photoshopped? Link
 
2012-07-03 02:34:52 PM  

StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.


Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike
 
2012-07-03 02:36:21 PM  
29. "Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button. Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal."
And her boobs will be minty fresh!


I do it with toothpaste.
 
2012-07-03 02:38:44 PM  

nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.


How YOU doin'?
 
2012-07-03 02:39:17 PM  

Strategeryz0r: Here it is: "Look her in the eyes when you speak to her, and talk to her like a human farking being."


Also, ask her questions. Specifically, the questions she hints that she wants you to ask, so that she can keep talking.

Bonus: Once you've figured out what the next question is, you don't have to listen anymore. Just wait for a long pause and fire at will.
 
2012-07-03 02:40:34 PM  

qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike


Absolutely right. Every woman is different. And each woman is different at different times. It's one of the things that is most intriguing and frustrating about them.
 
2012-07-03 02:40:44 PM  
FTA - 31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Listen my fellow gentlemen, this is not proper behavior.

What you just did is wrong. Wrong in so many ways.

Next time, be a bit more considerate to everybody around you and get a spoon, put the spoon in the Nutella jar, then apply the Nutella to your chap with the spoon.

/you are welcome
 
2012-07-03 02:41:25 PM  

imontheinternet: Strategeryz0r: Here it is: "Look her in the eyes when you speak to her, and talk to her like a human farking being."

Also, ask her questions. Specifically, the questions she hints that she wants you to ask, so that she can keep talking.

Bonus: Once you've figured out what the next question is, you don't have to listen anymore. Just wait for a long pause and fire at will.


That's it!

We're writing a book on how to pickup women together. We shall be MILLIONAIRES!!
 
2012-07-03 02:42:42 PM  
#38 if you read about a "move" on Urban Dictionary don't try it. High giving your buddies because you managed to get a half passed out sorority girl to agree to a Brazilian Flapjack in between vomiting fits does not make you a good lover.
 
2012-07-03 02:42:55 PM  

theorellior: Also--

To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to "stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes."


That "tip" stuck out for me as well. Nothing gets me ready to go than ice-cold feet on my wang.
 
2012-07-03 02:43:21 PM  

paswa17: FTA - 31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Listen my fellow gentlemen, this is not proper behavior.

What you just did is wrong. Wrong in so many ways.

Next time, be a bit more considerate to everybody around you and get a spoon, put the spoon in the Nutella jar, then apply the Nutella to your chap with the spoon.

/you are welcome


Seems appropriate.
 
2012-07-03 02:47:05 PM  

Porous Horace: "Hey there, wanna fark?"
"Sure thing, sweet-talker."


Eh, the one time it works makes a funny enough story to balance out the 2 or 3 times it ruins what you had going.

I mean, generally speaking if you reach the point where a pick-up line is even appropriate, there's already a mutual interest established so it's just a matter of not turning it off.
 
2012-07-03 02:47:07 PM  

nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.


I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.
 
2012-07-03 02:48:00 PM  

titwrench: High giving your buddies because you managed to get a half passed out sorority girl to agree to a Brazilian Flapjack in between vomiting fits does not make you a good lover.


But it might lead to your buddies wanting to try it too next time you're drunk at the frat house together.
 
2012-07-03 02:50:41 PM  

El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.


Jesus, I wish. I'm a one-and-done girl. My husband is multiorgasmic. Thankfully he religiously adheres to the "hers before yers" rule.
 
2012-07-03 02:55:02 PM  

El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.


Yup. It's a pretty easy way to ensure awesome naughty times.
 
2012-07-03 02:58:57 PM  

Christian Bale: Sometimes I wonder if the writers are laughing about how many people they get to do stupid things based on these articles. Licking a girl's palm?


I think the writers are trying to up their own odds.

qualtrough: //No two are alike


And there we go the only thing that is actually 100% true.
 
2012-07-03 03:02:06 PM  

El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.


You like your partners young, eh?

[pedobearapproved.jpg]
 
2012-07-03 03:02:14 PM  

El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.


OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"
 
2012-07-03 03:03:42 PM  

Strategeryz0r: That's it!

We're writing a book on how to pickup women together. We shall be MILLIONAIRES!!


Relax, Guy: How to talk to women and have them like you without acting like a complete douchebag. FARK EDITION
 
2012-07-03 03:04:43 PM  

Jim_Callahan: Porous Horace: "Hey there, wanna fark?"
"Sure thing, sweet-talker."

Eh, the one time it works makes a funny enough story to balance out the 2 or 3 times it ruins what you had going.

I mean, generally speaking if you reach the point where a pick-up line is even appropriate, there's already a mutual interest established so it's just a matter of not turning it off.


Reminds me of that weird thread where people were encouraged to text random potential sexual partners with "Hey, when you gonna let me tap that?" ..... if it works, hey you're getting laid, if not, you can play it off as a joke
 
2012-07-03 03:06:31 PM  

Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.

OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.
 
2012-07-03 03:07:57 PM  

LittleMissStubborn: Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.

OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.


Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.
 
2012-07-03 03:08:39 PM  

Strategeryz0r: OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"



Mop?
 
2012-07-03 03:11:27 PM  

Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.

OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

As for her orgasms... This is one advantage of being in a long-term relationship , where you know each other very well. Honest women know that sometimes they aren't going to get off regardless of what you or even she does. So score-keeping is pointless. Sometimes, you just want a "going-to-sleeper" without all the performance and she really doesn't want it so much. These are the times when she rolls with it for the intimacy and lets him get off without feeling guilty that she didn't (sometimes she's pleasantly surprised). If this isn't possible, you're with the wrong woman.
 
2012-07-03 03:11:52 PM  

lunchinlewis: Strategeryz0r: OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


Mop?


AAAAAND we're done here.
 
2012-07-03 03:13:42 PM  

JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.


Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.
 
2012-07-03 03:13:52 PM  


How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


get one of those dentist sucky-things and tape it to your johnson?
 
2012-07-03 03:14:43 PM  

Jake Havechek: "...we snuck off to a side room, where I gave him a killer blowjob. By the time I was finished, there was a crowd of people watching, which had always been a huge fantasy of mine."


the 'killer blowjob' made me think of this (NSFW)
 
2012-07-03 03:19:34 PM  
Well none of this stuff matters once you get a few roofie coladas in them.
 
2012-07-03 03:21:08 PM  

lunchinlewis: Strategeryz0r: OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


Mop?


dry, lint free cloth. keep one handy.

cuz sex can be messy. or try the ol standby - insert penis into vagina, remove, wipe off, repeat until desired wetness is achieved.
 
2012-07-03 03:21:48 PM  

Strategeryz0r: How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.

Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.



s3.amazonaws.com
 
2012-07-03 03:23:04 PM  

Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.


The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.
 
2012-07-03 03:23:59 PM  

ProfessorOhki: Strategeryz0r: How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.

Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.


[s3.amazonaws.com image 487x340]


You owe me 1 keyboard.
 
2012-07-03 03:24:42 PM  

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.



Fact!

...Which is incredibly depressing, when you think about it. Women are impressed when a guy bothers to get them off. It's not like making someone else feel good is difficult, as long as you're not a selfish prick.
 
2012-07-03 03:26:03 PM  

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


How YOU doin?
 
2012-07-03 03:27:37 PM  

JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.


Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.
 
2012-07-03 03:31:38 PM  

miss diminutive: So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


But that fifth time... magic!
 
2012-07-03 03:32:41 PM  

genepool lifeboat: The author sounds fat.

I bet she sports some fine looking horn-rims though.


A woman named Ben?
 
2012-07-03 03:33:49 PM  

Submitted First With a Better Headline: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Fact!

...Which is incredibly depressing, when you think about it. Women are impressed when a guy bothers to get them off. It's not like making someone else feel good is difficult, as long as you're not a selfish prick.


It really is. All you need to do is read a couple articles on female erogenous zones, or just explore the hell out of your womans body. Touch every single part and gauge the reactions. With a teeny tiny bit of research you can bring just about any woman to climax within 5 minutes. Oral is easily the most effective in my experience.

This is why most women I've ever met say geeky guys are the best in bed. Us geekier types tend to understand that women wanna get off too ya know. Not the bros who just want to be able to say they fingered some chick and farked her.
 
2012-07-03 03:34:29 PM  

miss diminutive: doglover: miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.

It's worth the risk. If you find the one that doesn't freak out, put a ring on it.

Reminds me of that bit from Louis CK:

[www.coachralphy.com image 320x480]

"Oooh, I'm getting kind of a rapey vibe from this girl, I don't know. I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that's her thing. I don't wanna ask first and ruin it so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell? What's the worst that could happen after all?" NSFW audio


Actually I was thinking of Louis CK too but for the other bit with the Saddest Handjob

/maybe if you lick your palm
/lick your palm
 
2012-07-03 03:36:56 PM  

Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.

Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.


Well, I'm not a woman, but a man. Hmmm... You do bring up common problem for tall men and short women. I have no idea of how large you are, but one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way. If this prevents you from getting into her far enough to pleasure yourself, a little pillow under her hips will raise things up just a bit. The only problem with this position is that you are at an odd angle and it can cause cramps in your thighs.
 
2012-07-03 03:39:07 PM  
6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

If a guy I was already sleeping with regularly did this, it wouldn't bother me and might turn me on if he knew what he was doing and didn't feel like I was getting slobbered on by a dog. Kinda like when I suck on my husband's finger when we're sitting in a dark movie theater. He immediately thinks of other things I could be sucking and accuses me of "torturing him".

Now if some guy I had just started dating did this, he would be toast.
 
2012-07-03 03:40:07 PM  
I have two policies.

"customer comes first" and "satisfaction guaranteed"
 
2012-07-03 03:40:48 PM  

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: I can't get over the mental image that the phrase "her vagina is George Foreman" presents.


Yeah. I just know that the next time my girlfriend is feeling in the mood, everything will be going well, we'll be getting serious then all of a sudden BAM! George Foreman will pop into my head. And then I'll be entirely unable to explain why I just want to cuddle tonight.
 
2012-07-03 03:40:54 PM  

JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.

Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.

Well, I'm not a woman, but a man. Hmmm... You do bring up common problem for tall men and short women. I have no idea of how large you are, but one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way. If this prevents you from getting into her far enough to pleasure yourself, a little pillow under her hips will raise things up just a bit. The only problem with this position is that you are at an odd angle and it can cause cramps in your thighs.


http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.
 
2012-07-03 03:40:57 PM  

qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike


I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.
 
2012-07-03 03:40:59 PM  
30. "Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay... when you do them, that is."
Yes, because when she does them, it counts as a woman doing the work she's goddamn supposed to be doing.


Is there supposed to be a joke in there somewhere? 'Cause I don't ... see ...
 
2012-07-03 03:43:09 PM  

JackieRabbit: one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way.


Do not ever say "tummy" and "bottom" when talking about sex. Thank you.
 
2012-07-03 03:43:44 PM  

JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.

Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.

Well, I'm not a woman, but a man. Hmmm... You do bring up common problem for tall men and short women. I have no idea of how large you are, but one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way. If this prevents you from getting into her far enough to pleasure yourself, a little pillow under her hips will raise things up just a bit. The only problem with this position is that you are at an odd angle and it can cause cramps in your thighs.


Haha sorry. After the loss of sensation comment I guess I assumed you were a woman.

Yeah we toy around with various positions, but it'shiat or miss. Some hit her vaginal walls just the wrong way and cause her a bit of pain even though I'm not that far in her. Other's work really well but she has a hard time maintaining said position(as in holding herself in the right spot, or me keeping myself in the right spot as well). She likes to get on top, which is one of my favorite ways too(hooray easily accessible boobies!) but it's a double edged sword. I can go forever with her on top, but that's also the problem.. I can go forever. It's not the maintaining an erection thing that's tough, for some reason I have a really hard time finishing with her in control like that.

As far as my own size, and I'm being honest here, I've never measured it in my life. Not once. So I have no clue to be perfectly honest. I've always just figured it was pretty average. Though I've been told it's on the larger end for a white guy.
 
2012-07-03 03:43:46 PM  
Or if you really want to mess things up, you can do this:

http://notalwaysromantic.com/pray-hes-joker-ing/22263
 
2012-07-03 03:45:22 PM  

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Fairly accurate. My wife takes an inordinate amount of amusement in how quick I climax when she tells me that she just isn't going to that night and I should just go ahead and do what i need to. On some nights she even gets the whole sentence out before I do.

And for the record "Team Surprise Anal Sex" is my new favorite band name.
 
2012-07-03 03:46:39 PM  
Why are google ads for this thread offering me a degree in Bible studies???
 
2012-07-03 03:47:15 PM  

LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.


At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.
 
2012-07-03 03:47:15 PM  

Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


I pretty much agree with your rules above. And "if" you are a guy who is a little on the premature side (or even worried that you might be) use alternate options to reach #1 prior to checking the oil. Especially on a first encounter where you want a second.
 
2012-07-03 03:47:40 PM  
FTA: "12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

And other articles will tell you a steady diet of asparagus is bad for oral sex since it makes your semen taste bitter. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
 
2012-07-03 03:49:52 PM  

Strategeryz0r: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.


Liberator are marital aids of the furniture/pillow sort. They get people to the correct height, better angles, etc without trying to jam a bunch of pillows under her hips. Plus they won't get weird looks under your bed since they look more like gymnastic mats then sex aids (heck they've been on Oprah).
 
2012-07-03 03:50:33 PM  

LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.


I've been looking at those, but... They seem like they SHOULD work, but I'm not sure how to brace myself. Do the manufacturers take that into account?

Also, I cringe at the thought of my 6 year old stealing it and using it as a pillow for watching TV.

/Damn kids
 
2012-07-03 03:51:01 PM  

Persnickety: qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike

I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.


The real question is why he ever left girlfriend 5?
 
2012-07-03 03:51:28 PM  

Aidan: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

I've been looking at those, but... They seem like they SHOULD work, but I'm not sure how to brace myself. Do the manufacturers take that into account?

Also, I cringe at the thought of my 6 year old stealing it and using it as a pillow for watching TV.

/Damn kids


Clorox wipes
 
2012-07-03 03:53:12 PM  

LaraAmber: Clorox wipes


A-farking-men.

Oh. You mean for the liberator, not the kid? Okay. :)
 
2012-07-03 03:53:14 PM  
"25. "Rope-a-dope: "

And we're done here. So you think of her as a dope? Nice...
 
2012-07-03 03:55:53 PM  

Strategeryz0r: Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep.


Supposedly that's not uncommon, average vaginal depth is less than average penile length.

If you develop a beer belly that will help keep you from going too deep, though there may be other side effects.
 
2012-07-03 03:56:52 PM  

spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"


The best move ever is the 'bobsled'. This is when you are farking a girl doggy style on top of a long staircase. You then grab her arms and ride her down. Just be careful you don't slip out. If you catch your willy on a step on the way down, you may hear a very disconcerting 'crack' followed by a searing pain in the groinal area. Trust me on this. This is a tough one to explain to the doctor.

Also for those with staircases that change directions, make sure you shift your body wieght so you make the turn. You don't want to explain to the doctor how she has a concusion and you have your front teeth broken off in the back of her head.

Also make sure your girl has a sense of humor. You don't want to explain to the docto why you have no penis.
 
2012-07-03 03:57:27 PM  

Gaseous Anomaly: Strategeryz0r: Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep.

Supposedly that's not uncommon, average vaginal depth is less than average penile length.

If you develop a beer belly that will help keep you from going too deep, though there may be other side effects.


It'll keep me from going too deep by ensuring I never go in there at all. =P
 
2012-07-03 03:57:42 PM  

Strategeryz0r: Yeah we toy around with various positions, but it'shiat or miss. Some hit her vaginal walls just the wrong way and cause her a bit of pain even though I'm not that far in her. Other's work really well but she has a hard time maintaining said position(as in holding herself in the right spot, or me keeping myself in the right spot as well). She likes to get on top, which is one of my favorite ways too(hooray easily accessible boobies!) but it's a double edged sword. I can go forever with her on top, but that's also the problem.. I can go forever. It's not the maintaining an erection thing that's tough, for some reason I have a really hard time finishing with her in control like that.

As far as my own size, and I'm being honest here, I've never measured it in my life. Not once. So I have no clue to be perfectly honest. I've always just figured it was pretty average. Though I've been told it's on the larger end for a white guy.


I know just what you what you mean her being on top. As we get older, it naturally becomes more difficult to maintain an erection when we are on our back. Supposedly Viagra helps with this, though I have never used it. Do you have a curvature to your penis (Peyronie's Disease)? A straight penis should not hurt her unless you really miss on a forceful thrust, especially if you are average or just above average in length. But one that has a too sharp a curve can cause pain. Indeed, my wife loves for me to thrust at different angles. Of course, the problem may not be with you at all. Some women just have very sensitive vaginas. But good problems to have. Amiright?
 
2012-07-03 04:00:54 PM  
6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."
i4.photobucket.com
"You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick her palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school."
 
2012-07-03 04:01:13 PM  

Strategeryz0r:
My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.


Suggestion 1: Trim down there. Going down on a guy and choking on a hair isn't fun.
Suggestion 2: Just try chocolate sauce or something else she already likes.
Suggestion 3: Cut down on red meat and start eating sweet things like pineapple.
Suggestion 4: Keep your hands to yourself and off her head/neck. Better yet, you be laying down.
 
2012-07-03 04:01:44 PM  

Kazrath: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

I pretty much agree with your rules above. And "if" you are a guy who is a little on the premature side (or even worried that you might be) use alternate options to reach #1 prior to checking the oil. Especially on a first encounter where you want a second.


Never been much of a problem for me. Usually what "does it" for her does little for me, aside from feeling vaguely warm and wet, so I just stay hard for an hour or more and let her go to town like it's a living dildo. Gets a bit painful after a while though. This is one of the reasons i really don't like sex very much.
 
2012-07-03 04:02:09 PM  
From TFA:
9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."
And according to my research, it tastes crunchy and delicious.


Canadians know that the smell of burnt toast is a sign of imminent seizures.
 
2012-07-03 04:02:22 PM  

Strategeryz0r: to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.


Aim your thrust a little to the side (left, right, high or low) by 5-10 degrees or so, instead of straight down the vaginal canal. Don't pound her cervix.
 
2012-07-03 04:02:25 PM  

Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.


It lessens the friction. Also, once a lady has gotten off once or twice pre-coital, her muscles relax a bit so things are not *quite* as tight.

/ is a lady
// likes the friction...the sweet, sweet friction
 
2012-07-03 04:03:04 PM  
Oddly enough if a woman comes out of the bathroom with a strap-on and says we're doing this to her bf, the odds of him enjoying are probably higher than 20%. I would suspect.
 
2012-07-03 04:03:26 PM  

JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: Yeah we toy around with various positions, but it'shiat or miss. Some hit her vaginal walls just the wrong way and cause her a bit of pain even though I'm not that far in her. Other's work really well but she has a hard time maintaining said position(as in holding herself in the right spot, or me keeping myself in the right spot as well). She likes to get on top, which is one of my favorite ways too(hooray easily accessible boobies!) but it's a double edged sword. I can go forever with her on top, but that's also the problem.. I can go forever. It's not the maintaining an erection thing that's tough, for some reason I have a really hard time finishing with her in control like that.

As far as my own size, and I'm being honest here, I've never measured it in my life. Not once. So I have no clue to be perfectly honest. I've always just figured it was pretty average. Though I've been told it's on the larger end for a white guy.

I know just what you what you mean her being on top. As we get older, it naturally becomes more difficult to maintain an erection when we are on our back. Supposedly Viagra helps with this, though I have never used it. Do you have a curvature to your penis (Peyronie's Disease)? A straight penis should not hurt her unless you really miss on a forceful thrust, especially if you are average or just above average in length. But one that has a too sharp a curve can cause pain. Indeed, my wife loves for me to thrust at different angles. Of course, the problem may not be with you at all. Some women just have very sensitive vaginas. But good problems to have. Amiright?


The weird thing is it's not maintaining the erection. I'm not joking when I say she was on top of me for 15 minutes straight one time, I couldn't finish. But when she demanded we swap positions I was sitll hard as a rock. There's just something about being on my back that basically says "thou shalt not cum." Though there are exceptions. We got busy out next to a creek while we were camping 2 weekends ago, and she finished me on top just fine...

But I suspect that has more to do with the fact that we were camping at a music festival, and our sexy time spot was something that any of the thousands of people there could have stumbled upon at any time. So the whole "we could get caught at any second" rush may have had more to do with that.

As far as curves to my penis, nope straight as an arrow and on the larger side of average(both girth and length). She has said she has a bit of a sensitive vagina, which is pretty easy to see. I barely touch the thing and it becomes Niagara falls(I'm talking a puddle with a radius the size of my wife by the end of things). Is there anything she can do to help out with that? or is it just one of those things that's always going to be that way. We do need to find her a good OB too. So this is probably something they could answer when/if we ever find one she likes...
 
2012-07-03 04:03:55 PM  

LaraAmber: Strategeryz0r:
My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.

Suggestion 1: Trim down there. Going down on a guy and choking on a hair isn't fun.
Suggestion 2: Just try chocolate sauce or something else she already likes.
Suggestion 3: Cut down on red meat and start eating sweet things like pineapple.
Suggestion 4: Keep your hands to yourself and off her head/neck. Better yet, you be laying down.


I'd say the same, as far as cleanliness/trimmed, goes for guys who don't really like going down on girls.
 
2012-07-03 04:04:10 PM  

theorellior: IlGreven: The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.

I'm not so sure about that. However, fortunately for the ladies, those men also smell strongly of Axe.


Jeepers, it's funny you bring that up. Have you smelled deodorant for men lately? Yesterday, I spent a quarter of an hour on the deodorant aisle sniffing and gagging. Why would anyone want to apply a product to their body that smells significantly worse than ripening sweat? Don't even get me started on the Old Spice line. Great Nelly, I was tempted to tell my brand new teenager, who doesn't have any smell yet anyway, "Oh, just use women's' deodorant. It doesn't smell so darned bad." Now, he can't find the deodorant I bought for him. We don't own any firearms. I am not wading into that room unarmed to look for misplaced objects. I hope he finds it. Good luck to him.
 
2012-07-03 04:04:53 PM  

digitalrain: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

It lessens the friction. Also, once a lady has gotten off once or twice pre-coital, her muscles relax a bit so things are not *quite* as tight.

/ is a lady
// likes the friction...the sweet, sweet friction


How you doin?
 
2012-07-03 04:05:08 PM  

Strategeryz0r: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.


The chocolate-flavored ones are very good. Kama Sutra makes some delicious lickables plus very nice massage oils. Oh, and while you're at it, buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)
 
2012-07-03 04:06:06 PM  

Pocket Ninja: ... male sperm...


Is "male" really needed there?
 
2012-07-03 04:06:24 PM  

Lunaville: theorellior: IlGreven: The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.

I'm not so sure about that. However, fortunately for the ladies, those men also smell strongly of Axe.

Jeepers, it's funny you bring that up. Have you smelled deodorant for men lately? Yesterday, I spent a quarter of an hour on the deodorant aisle sniffing and gagging. Why would anyone want to apply a product to their body that smells significantly worse than ripening sweat? Don't even get me started on the Old Spice line. Great Nelly, I was tempted to tell my brand new teenager, who doesn't have any smell yet anyway, "Oh, just use women's' deodorant. It doesn't smell so darned bad." Now, he can't find the deodorant I bought for him. We don't own any firearms. I am not wading into that room unarmed to look for misplaced objects. I hope he finds it. Good luck to him.


While you're at it, get him to shave his underarms. I swear there is nothing sexier than a man in a tank top with lots of underarm hair caked with deodorant bits...

/I think I just threw up a bit
//Seriously guys, WHY?
 
2012-07-03 04:07:04 PM  

Kit Fister: LaraAmber: Strategeryz0r:
My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.

Suggestion 1: Trim down there. Going down on a guy and choking on a hair isn't fun.
Suggestion 2: Just try chocolate sauce or something else she already likes.
Suggestion 3: Cut down on red meat and start eating sweet things like pineapple.
Suggestion 4: Keep your hands to yourself and off her head/neck. Better yet, you be laying down.

I'd say the same, as far as cleanliness/trimmed, goes for guys who don't really like going down on girls.


Good news: I stay trimmed down there for that very reason. I always kind of figured if I don't want your bush caught in my teeth, why would she want mine?

Chocolate sauce is a maybe, I think she likes the lotion idea as it may be less messy/more washable.

I thought I ate more red meat than I do, your comment got me thinking.. I really don't.. Strangely I've also been praised on many occasions for having what my ex's all described as "the tastiest dick ever" so that might help.

and on #4 oh for sure. It's not some porno I'm looking for lol. I like when she lays back and lets me do whatever I want to her, and I tend to return the favor unless asked to do otherwise(pull hair, be forceful on occasions, etc).
 
2012-07-03 04:07:15 PM  

feffer: JackieRabbit: one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way.

Do not ever say "tummy" and "bottom" when talking about sex. Thank you.


So "tum tum" and "fudge factory" then?
 
2012-07-03 04:07:27 PM  

ms_lara_croft: Strategeryz0r: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.

The chocolate-flavored ones are very good. Kama Sutra makes some delicious lickables plus very nice massage oils. Oh, and while you're at it, buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)


Have her use a vibe on herself while she's sucking on you is also good. :)
 
2012-07-03 04:07:41 PM  

MythDragon: The best move ever is the 'bobsled'. This is when you are farking a girl doggy style on top of a long staircase. You then grab her arms and ride her down.


Don't forget to yell, "COOL RUNNINGS!"
 
2012-07-03 04:08:12 PM  

Strategeryz0r: Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.


ShamWow!
 
2012-07-03 04:08:33 PM  

ms_lara_croft: buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)


Wait a sec... They make those? I know about the vibrating tongue studs(one of my ex's had one.. it was just kinda eh...). But I've always thought like a tongue vibrator would be fun to use on her(I'm a huge fan of toys. I can sit there for hours messing with my woman, hell her being my plaything for a bit is a big part of what turns me on).
 
2012-07-03 04:09:35 PM  

LaraAmber: ms_lara_croft: Strategeryz0r: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.

The chocolate-flavored ones are very good. Kama Sutra makes some delicious lickables plus very nice massage oils. Oh, and while you're at it, buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)

Have her use a vibe on herself while she's sucking on you is also good. :)


Butterflies are nice because they're strap-on and free up her hands to do important things. ;)

/been there, done that. :)
 
2012-07-03 04:09:55 PM  

Just so everyone's on the same page:

Gawker republished this from Nerve (with permission).
Ben Reininga (real name, sure) at Nerve selected sex advice tips pointers suggestions from both Men's Health and Maxim and provided pointed commentary.

Also:

25. "Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman. Ali stood there for seven rounds before springing to life and sending the tired Foreman to the mat. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali... Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clitoris. Then... Return to slow, easy strokes... Repeat until she's out cold."
I'd just like to point out that in this scenario - where you're Ali - her vagina is George Foreman. I'd avoid that comparison, whether you mean the boxer or the sandwich press.

With all due respect to Messrs Ali and Foreman, and indoor grilling equipment the world over, this sounds more like fartleks than "rope-a-dope."


Trance354:
Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.


Perhaps we don't think Superman, but it's a start. A very good start.
 
2012-07-03 04:10:36 PM  

ProfessorOhki: Strategeryz0r: How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.

Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.


[s3.amazonaws.com image 487x340]


*shakes tiny fist*
 
2012-07-03 04:11:01 PM  

groppet: feffer: JackieRabbit: one position I have found is that she lays on her tummy with her legs closed. You straddle her and enter from the rear. You cannot get all of your penis in her in this position, since her bottom is in the way.

Do not ever say "tummy" and "bottom" when talking about sex. Thank you.

So "tum tum" and "fudge factory" then?


Semantics and all that... To me men have asses, but women have pretty little (hopefully) bottoms. Just remember that what we call a pussy here is called a fanny in England and there a pussy is a cat.
 
2012-07-03 04:11:29 PM  

BurnShrike: Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"


i47.tinypic.com
 
2012-07-03 04:14:13 PM  

SouthernFriedYankee: ProfessorOhki: Strategeryz0r: How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"

It's called keeping a box of tissues by the bed. A little blotting never hurt anyone.

Is there an etiquette when it comes to that? I only ask because tissues have a nasty habit of.. you know.. like.. falling apart when confronted with wet surfaces. Possibly leaving little tissue flakes in there.


[s3.amazonaws.com image 487x340]

*shakes tiny fist*


Yea, sorry man. You were beaten, and with a better response. That picture killed me.
 
2012-07-03 04:23:03 PM  
Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this


So...I see this has turned into some bizarre sexual epeen thread mixed up with guys wanting some sort of help and self affirmation?

Oh for farks sake.

This stuff...these numbers and ratios...its making my head hurt. So guys, huddle up here. Are the ladies gone? Good. This is just a little advice for the fellas.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS shiat!

She agreed to have sex with you. The hard part is done. Stop being a panty-waist and take control of the situation.

1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

2) If she CAN think clearly after #1 and want's some more then you sort of punish her for the audacity. I'm not 20 anymore. If she's going to make me work then I'm going to make her pay. I switch from "I'm farking you" mode to "I'm grudge farking you" mode. You keep going until she cums so many times that she begs you to stop and then you keep going some more. In essence you don't stop until she either uses her safe word or shes a sobbing wet incoherent mess.

3) How do you accomplish 1 and 2? First, stop worry about whether or not you're good in bed. It looks weak and pathetic cause it is weak and pathetic. Women, in general, do not find weak and pathetic sexy. So just effing stop it! If she didn't want it, she wouldn't be there. Second, unless you can make your dick vibrate at 6000 oscillations per minute, use toys. I recommend the HITACHI MAGIC WAND. I put that in caps because its that important. I recommend anal beads. I recommend snake bite kits, rope, vapor locking, spanking, pulling hair...whatever. Go all alpha on her. She coulda stopped at one set but she asked for more. Make. A. farking. Impression.

Yes there is a place and time for gentle...its after its all over.

There. I just saved all of Farkdome from mediocre sex.



/snakebite kits come with three little yellow suction cups. Two large and one small. Put them where you think you would put them.
//knew you would ask.
///you're welcome
 
2012-07-03 04:24:26 PM  

Strategeryz0r: ms_lara_croft: buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)

Wait a sec... They make those? I know about the vibrating tongue studs(one of my ex's had one.. it was just kinda eh...). But I've always thought like a tongue vibrator would be fun to use on her(I'm a huge fan of toys. I can sit there for hours messing with my woman, hell her being my plaything for a bit is a big part of what turns me on).


Yes, they make those. Just slip it on and slip it in. :)

Here's one: http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/vibrators/clit-vibrators/sp-tong ue-teaser-14791.aspx
 
2012-07-03 04:30:01 PM  

ms_lara_croft: Strategeryz0r: ms_lara_croft: buy a tongue vibrator for both of you to use on each other. :)

Wait a sec... They make those? I know about the vibrating tongue studs(one of my ex's had one.. it was just kinda eh...). But I've always thought like a tongue vibrator would be fun to use on her(I'm a huge fan of toys. I can sit there for hours messing with my woman, hell her being my plaything for a bit is a big part of what turns me on).

Yes, they make those. Just slip it on and slip it in. :)

Here's one: http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/vibrators/clit-vibrators/sp-tong ue-teaser-14791.aspx


That's not a bookmark for later or anything..

:)
 
2012-07-03 04:33:02 PM  
This article and I have a VERY different definition of facial intercourse.
 
2012-07-03 04:33:47 PM  

vudukungfu: Bungee cords and vaseline, baby.


i've always run with a fist full of credit cards and a bucket of vaseline, but tossing bungee cords into the mix sounds like fun
 
2012-07-03 04:34:29 PM  

the_rev: Mutant Sperm would be a good band name.


It's all right, I guess, but i still like Throbbing Member.
 
2012-07-03 04:34:46 PM  

Prevailing Wind: Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this

So...I see this has turned into some bizarre sexual epeen thread mixed up with guys wanting some sort of help and self affirmation?

Oh for farks sake.

This stuff...these numbers and ratios...its making my head hurt. So guys, huddle up here. Are the ladies gone? Good. This is just a little advice for the fellas.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS shiat!

She agreed to have sex with you. The hard part is done. Stop being a panty-waist and take control of the situation.

1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

2) If she CAN think clearly after #1 and want's some ...


Now you just stop using common sense right now. This is Fark and there's no room for common sense here. And don't you know that young guys learn all the need to know about sex from porn, where the woman starts coming as soon as the male star touches her and doesn't stop until the money shot, at which time, she coos like she's just seen god?
 
2012-07-03 04:36:49 PM  

StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.


Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.
 
2012-07-03 04:36:58 PM  

LaraAmber: Lunaville: theorellior: IlGreven: The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.

I'm not so sure about that. However, fortunately for the ladies, those men also smell strongly of Axe.

Jeepers, it's funny you bring that up. Have you smelled deodorant for men lately? Yesterday, I spent a quarter of an hour on the deodorant aisle sniffing and gagging. Why would anyone want to apply a product to their body that smells significantly worse than ripening sweat? Don't even get me started on the Old Spice line. Great Nelly, I was tempted to tell my brand new teenager, who doesn't have any smell yet anyway, "Oh, just use women's' deodorant. It doesn't smell so darned bad." Now, he can't find the deodorant I bought for him. We don't own any firearms. I am not wading into that room unarmed to look for misplaced objects. I hope he finds it. Good luck to him.

While you're at it, get him to shave his underarms. I swear there is nothing sexier than a man in a tank top with lots of underarm hair caked with deodorant bits...

/I think I just threw up a bit
//Seriously guys, WHY?


There is no hair under the arms. No hair; no smell. We were advised to get the kid used to the idea of deodorant before the smell kicked in so that a school friend wouldn't be the one to tell him "Hey, You smell. Use some deodorant!"
 
2012-07-03 04:39:45 PM  

runcible spork: "...this sounds more like fartleks than 'rope-a-dope.'"



Forgot to mention the obvious, that "fartlek" is not exactly a great bedroom word.

/ much like Fark™
// not ʞɔnɟ
 
2012-07-03 04:44:41 PM  

KrispyKritter:
i've always run with a fist full of credit cards and a bucket of vaseline, but tossing bungee cords into the mix sounds like fun


Well, you see, you grease them up with the vaseline, to mitigate chaffing, and then you use the bungee cords to tie them up to you, so when they try to get away, they get just soooo far, then their muscles give out and wham! back atcha all greased up and cooled off a bit.

It's a fun game.

Last girlfriend mistook all the ropes and saddles and branding irons in the bedroom as a sign I was a cowboy.
Should have seen the expression on her face when she realized her social faux pas.
Bwahahahahaha
She won't make that mistake agian. No, siree.
 
2012-07-03 04:45:30 PM  

stonicus: This article and I have a VERY different definition of facial intercourse.


This
 
2012-07-03 04:53:04 PM  

Mikmaq Paddywhack: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.


So much this. Love having my nipples pinched and bitten.
 
2012-07-03 04:53:46 PM  
Why is it important to figure out if this foxy stranger is on the pill? To avoid unwanted pregnancy? Oh no, you're trying to make speculative assumptions about her hormone levels. You know, so you can bone her!

Er, yeah, that's the idea. Drinks are expensive for a lot of platonic gal-pals. Not that I'm buying the whole 'blink counting' routine, but yes, it'd be nice to have a handle on where the hormones lie.

Because the Pill (and hooray for the Pill, women's liberation, and women's choice to take the Pill, btw) very commonly leads to near-zero long-term libido. Depo/ring/implanon may be worse. And there are studies for this. Not a near-zero urge to date, marry, or shack up (my own observations), but very low libido. I've lived a decade with that life, and, sure, I intend to be there for my partner if sex stopped due to cancer or whatever, but barring that, I'd like "at least once a week" to be a starting point in a future relationship. This may may me a jerk.
 
2012-07-03 04:57:02 PM  

Mikmaq Paddywhack: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.


I was going to say that half the rules here are totally opposite from my wife. That's one of the reasons we're married.
 
2012-07-03 05:00:14 PM  

Lawnchair: Why is it important to figure out if this foxy stranger is on the pill? To avoid unwanted pregnancy? Oh no, you're trying to make speculative assumptions about her hormone levels. You know, so you can bone her!

Er, yeah, that's the idea. Drinks are expensive for a lot of platonic gal-pals. Not that I'm buying the whole 'blink counting' routine, but yes, it'd be nice to have a handle on where the hormones lie.

Because the Pill (and hooray for the Pill, women's liberation, and women's choice to take the Pill, btw) very commonly leads to near-zero long-term libido. Depo/ring/implanon may be worse. And there are studies for this. Not a near-zero urge to date, marry, or shack up (my own observations), but very low libido. I've lived a decade with that life, and, sure, I intend to be there for my partner if sex stopped due to cancer or whatever, but barring that, I'd like "at least once a week" to be a starting point in a future relationship. This may may me a jerk.


If that makes you a jerk, then my wife would say I'm the biggest asshole on earth. When we started dating I said 2 - 3 times a week at least... I get kinda cranky without my sexy times. She wholeheartedly agreed. Sex is often times the only method of defusing our epic arguments(hence my interest in more toys and stuff).
 
2012-07-03 05:00:53 PM  

farkin_noob: Mikmaq Paddywhack: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.

So much this. Love having my nipples pinched and bitten.


How YOU doin?
 
2012-07-03 05:01:08 PM  

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


I'm a tad dyslexic and on my first read through I read the word 'smile' as 'slime'. It's brilliant either way.
 
2012-07-03 05:08:34 PM  
Here's sex advice I can assure you will work once your partner says okay, let's do this.

1. Ask what they want.

That is all.
 
2012-07-03 05:10:41 PM  

spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"


Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.
 
2012-07-03 05:10:43 PM  

Mikmaq Paddywhack: farkin_noob: Mikmaq Paddywhack: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.

So much this. Love having my nipples pinched and bitten.

How YOU doin?


A wee bit frustrated. I'm in need of a good nipple tweaking and lots of spankings. ;-)
 
2012-07-03 05:15:30 PM  

IlGreven: AirForceVet: OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.

Well, the thing is, they have the same sorts of tips for women's magazines. The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.


Is it possible that the woman at jezebel didnt understand that this was a HUMOR article??
Because it is almost funny that way. Almost.
 
2012-07-03 05:15:36 PM  

Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


That's it, man! Game over, man, game over! What are we gonna do?
 
2012-07-03 05:16:43 PM  

Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.
 
2012-07-03 05:17:21 PM  

Gaseous Anomaly: Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.

That's it, man! Game over, man, game over! What are we gonna do?


UNLIMITED POWER
 
2012-07-03 05:19:02 PM  

Benni K Rok: Here's sex advice I can assure you will work once your partner says okay, let's do this.

1. Ask what they want.

That is all.


There's no way that'd work. It makes too much sense.
 
2012-07-03 05:24:54 PM  
What's with all the stupid relationship greenlights lately?

Don't be a jerk and you'll probably be fine.

Here's my very NOT all-inclusive list:

1. Don't treat her like your personal plaything.
2. Discuss what you will do with her before hand. If you jam your dick in her butt without permission, then she should be able to sodomize you in your sleep with a baseball bat.
3. Don't forget that sex is supposed to be MUTUALLY gratifying. It isn't all about YOU.

That covers just the obvious,
 
2012-07-03 05:25:15 PM  

Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


I'd buy that for a dollar!
 
2012-07-03 05:26:09 PM  

Talondel: spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"

Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


"Oh you want the truth, baby? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
 
2012-07-03 05:26:50 PM  

Salt Lick Steady: Talondel: spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"

Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.

"Oh you want the truth, baby? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"


I think ASSSS YOUUU WISSSSHHHH covers about anything in the bedroom.
 
2012-07-03 05:31:20 PM  

Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.


Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.
 
2012-07-03 05:36:03 PM  
Step 1) Find the clitoris
Step 2) ???
Step 3) Orgasms...orgasms everywhere!
 
2012-07-03 05:36:30 PM  

Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.



That goes both ways.
 
mhd
2012-07-03 05:37:35 PM  

Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
 
2012-07-03 05:38:45 PM  

runcible spork: Just so everyone's on the same page:

Gawker republished this from Nerve (with permission).
Ben Reininga (real name, sure) at Nerve selected sex advice tips pointers suggestions from both Men's Health and Maxim and provided pointed commentary.

Also:
25. "Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman. Ali stood there for seven rounds before springing to life and sending the tired Foreman to the mat. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali... Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clitoris. Then... Return to slow, easy strokes... Repeat until she's out cold."
I'd just like to point out that in this scenario - where you're Ali - her vagina is George Foreman. I'd avoid that comparison, whether you mean the boxer or the sandwich press.
With all due respect to Messrs Ali and Foreman, and indoor grilling equipment the world over, this sounds more like fartleks than "rope-a-dope."


Trance354:
Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

Perhaps we don't think Superman, but it's a start. A very good start.


I hate it when a girl fartleks when I am roping her dope.
 
2012-07-03 05:41:08 PM  

The more you eat the more you fart: Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.


That goes both ways.


No dispute from me there
 
2012-07-03 05:42:00 PM  
21. Take a pearl necklace and "...lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation."

Holiday edition:
Take a string of popcorn and "...lightly coat the popcorn and your penis with melted butter. Have your partner wrap the popcorn around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation... pop... Pop... POP! Merry Christmas!!"
 
2012-07-03 05:42:32 PM  

imontheinternet: MythDragon: The best move ever is the 'bobsled'. This is when you are farking a girl doggy style on top of a long staircase. You then grab her arms and ride her down.

Don't forget to yell, "COOL RUNNINGS!"


Feel the rhythm!
Feel the rhyme!
Get on up, it's bobsled time!
 
2012-07-03 05:47:02 PM  

Talondel: spentmiles: They forgot my favorite move which is staring into her face during intercourse and screaming "DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU? DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU?"

Fail. Everyone knows if you want to impress the ladies, the correct thing to shout out during intercourse is "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"

Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


Star Wars had the best:
'You came in that thing? You're braver that I thought'
 
2012-07-03 05:47:44 PM  

Salt Lick Steady: The more you eat the more you fart: Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.


That goes both ways.

No dispute from me there


She and I have an understanding: Just keep going...dont distract me. Goes for both of us.

Wanna talk dirty? Be my guest...but when I'm right on the verge of finishing, just keep moving your hips and don't say anything to distract me. I will do the same.

If she wants more, she gets it. No questions asked. I aim to please, and imagine that....if she gets hers then she makes DAMNED sure I get mine.
 
2012-07-03 05:50:27 PM  

Gelatinous: 21. Take a pearl necklace and "...lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation."

Holiday edition:
Take a string of popcorn and "...lightly coat the popcorn and your penis with melted butter. Have your partner wrap the popcorn around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation... pop... Pop... POP! Merry Christmas!!"


Weird. Usualy I *leave* a pearl necklace.
 
2012-07-03 05:51:21 PM  

Benni K Rok: Here's sex advice I can assure you will work once your partner says okay, let's do this.

1. Ask what they want.

That is all.


Her: I don't care, what do you want?
 
2012-07-03 05:55:21 PM  

bim1154: Porous Horace: 12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."

I'm no Gordon Ramsay or Linus Pauling or Tupac Shakur but I think eating the asparagus might be helpful in addition to simply cooking it.

Asparagus would be the last thing I'd eat before an evening of hard sex. Makes my pee smell like sulfur.


You're doing it wrong.
May have been mentioned already but I'm lazy.

/Do not piss on a girl unless she asks.
 
2012-07-03 05:55:37 PM  
I've tried #17

i.imgur.com

It works!!
 
2012-07-03 05:57:37 PM  

Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.


Another chick here. And seconded. In fact, everything said in that post from Prevailing Wind is basically the worst possible advice I've ever heard seriously given.
 
2012-07-03 06:04:59 PM  

miss diminutive: Some real gems in there:

6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

The fark? If a guy licks my palm in public, it's over. I'll ship him off to a petting zoo where he can lick all the palms he wants.

27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."

So just under 1 in 5 women want surprise buttsex? All right then.


You would be suprised then. I had a few one night and licked the back (not the palm, although maybe I should try that) of a young lady's hand as she presented it to me for a handshake. Later that night she grabbed me as I was returning from the restroom and planted one one me like I'll never forget. Of course this was in the 80's.

As far as the anal goes - you really need to ask permission. Never have. Not my thing. Stinky stick. yuk.
 
2012-07-03 06:10:30 PM  

The more you eat the more you fart: Salt Lick Steady: The more you eat the more you fart: Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.


That goes both ways.

No dispute from me there

She and I have an understanding: Just keep going...dont distract me. Goes for both of us.

Wanna talk dirty? Be my guest...but when I'm right on the verge of finishing, just keep moving your hips and don't say anything to distract me. I will do the same.

If she wants more, she gets it. No questions asked. I aim to please, and imagine that....if she gets hers then she makes DAMNED sure I get mine.


THIS^ is the advice you guys (and ladies) need to follow
 
2012-07-03 06:16:12 PM  

Freudian_slipknot: Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.

Another chick here. And seconded. In fact, everything said in that post from Prevailing Wind is basically the worst possible advice I've ever heard seriously given.


Truly, if a dude pulled out my snake bite kit, I'd 1.) get the fark out of there asap, 2.) laugh uncontrollably on the way home, and 3.) tell my closest friends about the dumbass I was with the other night. Same with the wand. LMAO.

Then again, if I've already lost the mood because of the demand not to come, and a dude starts trying to grudge fark me instead, he'd probably be clutching his nuts in agony before he could whip out the kit or the wand.
 
2012-07-03 06:18:31 PM  

namatad: IlGreven: AirForceVet: OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.

Well, the thing is, they have the same sorts of tips for women's magazines. The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.

Is it possible that the woman at jezebel didnt understand that this was a HUMOR article??
Because it is almost funny that way. Almost.


The author at Jezebel is a man, and last month did the same article making fun of Cosmo. It's linked right there in the post.
 
2012-07-03 06:21:52 PM  
So where is the "Rusty Venture" on this list?
 
2012-07-03 06:27:20 PM  

Jon iz teh kewl: 37. remove your dick completely prior to every thrust. this will ensure it breaks


Why did you have to remind me?!? 8 inch strokes with a 6 inch willy is a recipe for disaster.
 
2012-07-03 06:33:09 PM  

feffer: namatad: IlGreven: AirForceVet: OMG, what moran came up with these tips? They are horrible.

Well, the thing is, they have the same sorts of tips for women's magazines. The difference is, no man swears by Men's Health or Maxim for their dating tips.

Is it possible that the woman at jezebel didnt understand that this was a HUMOR article??
Because it is almost funny that way. Almost.

The author at Jezebel Nerve is a man, and last month did Jezebel reposted the same his similar article making fun of Cosmo. It's linked right there in the post.



FTFY.

Now, it's possible that the content editor/aggregator at Jezebel is a woman, but who knows? Also, who cares?
 
2012-07-03 06:42:58 PM  
Okay, that is all true.
 
2012-07-03 06:44:44 PM  

Salt Lick Steady: Freudian_slipknot: Salt Lick Steady: Prevailing Wind: 1) Its not if she cums...its when and on what terms. Its always YOUR decision. Sometimes its quick and dirty, sometimes its slow and gentle. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy it and KNOW that she will too. Still lacking confidence? Get her to the edge of an orgasm and tell her she cant cum until she begs you. Its like trying not to think of a purple elephant, she's gonna cum and whats more, the more you drag it out the better it will be. This one bout of orgasms should probably be enough for most nights. No need for some kind of obligation to meet a golden ratio or whatever. That's nuts.

Uh, I don't know about other chicks, but there are two things that will guarantee I don't come: telling me to or telling me not to.

You pull me out of my head like that, you've ruined it.

Another chick here. And seconded. In fact, everything said in that post from Prevailing Wind is basically the worst possible advice I've ever heard seriously given.

Truly, if a dude pulled out my snake bite kit, I'd 1.) get the fark out of there asap, 2.) laugh uncontrollably on the way home, and 3.) tell my closest friends about the dumbass I was with the other night. Same with the wand. LMAO.

Then again, if I've already lost the mood because of the demand not to come, and a dude starts trying to grudge fark me instead, he'd probably be clutching his nuts in agony before he could whip out the kit or the wand.


Lol. Ladies! I told you that wasn't for you!

I would have thought the use of 'safe word' would have been a dead giveaway. My wife and I do not have a strictly vanilla sex life.

The later part of all I wrote isn't applicable to casual dating. Toys and what have you are the result of a discussion between you and your parter. They're called limits.

I stand by the attitude though. There are more than physical differences between men and women and it's ok to occasionally act accordingly. There really is no effing excuse for either sex to obsess over whether or not your meeting some kind of populist expectation of satisfactory performance. Go. fark. Enjoy. Both you and your partner will prosper far more than if you are neurotically worried about checking off all the bits in some Cosmo article.

As to the permission bit, it's a scenario I and my wife enjoy...both ways. All I can say is try it. It's called edge play and if it's not in your bag of tricks, open your mind a little.

Incidentally my wife says you need to read up on the hitachi.

Cheers!
 
2012-07-03 06:46:32 PM  

Strategeryz0r: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.


Here is my advice.

Be sure to keep yourself trimmed. Be sure you are clean--fresh out of the shower.
Lie on your back and keep your hands off of her head and neck
Let her take her time to touch, kiss, nuzzle, lightly lick at the tip--that is, do not expect it to go down the back of her throat the first time.
Let her decide how far she goes and for how long
Give her clues that she is doing it right. As her confidence builds, she will do it more often
No matter how brief or frustrating, praise her efforts and go on. The next time she wants to try, it will get better.
 
2012-07-03 06:51:13 PM  

stonicus: Benni K Rok: Here's sex advice I can assure you will work once your partner says okay, let's do this.

1. Ask what they want.

That is all.

Her: I don't care, what do you want?


I can't belive that nobody has actually said anything about not trying to accomplish what they want.
 
2012-07-03 06:52:34 PM  

Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.

OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


Eh, kind of have this problem with guy I'm seeing, who also loves to go down south, but it's more a matter of getting too sensitive after multiple orgasms.

Head up north, make out for a bit, focus on other areas, let her recover, and then go in for the big finish
 
2012-07-03 06:55:26 PM  

Benni K Rok: stonicus: Benni K Rok: Here's sex advice I can assure you will work once your partner says okay, let's do this.

1. Ask what they want.

That is all.

Her: I don't care, what do you want?

I can't belive that nobody has actually said anything about not trying to accomplish what they want.


Eh, I was thread confused... =) Would have gone better in the other one...
 
2012-07-03 07:18:19 PM  

Prevailing Wind: Cheers!


I got it, I actually laughed heartily. Mostly at the thought that some farkers would use the tips with a casual fling.

If you've established a solid relationship, sexual matters have likely already been discussed too (I really freaking hope). My initial head cock was on the mention of orgasm when it's about to happen; if you and she are cool with it, cool.

Like you say, it's about understanding each other and mutual enjoyment. And palm licking in public.
 
2012-07-03 07:19:02 PM  

MythDragon: 'You came in that thing? You're braver that I thought'


Other Star Wars lines:

Back door huh? Good idea!

I'm afraid our little friend has gone an done something rather rash.

At that speed do you think we'll be able to pull out in time?

Get in there you furry oaf, I don't care what you smell.

And I thought the smelled bad, on the outside.

Control, Control, you must learn Control!


My wife suggests that nearly all of Full Metal Jacket could work, with her personal favorites being:

Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy farking walrus-looking piece of shiat! Get the fark off of [me]! Get the fark down off of [me]! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world!

I bet you're the kind of guy that would fark a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you.

Well, any farking time, sweetheart!

Bullshiat! Get on your knees scumbag!

Now choke yourself.

Don't pull my farking hand over there!

I think we finally found something that you do well.

Do you feel dizzy? Do you feel faint! Jesus H. Christ! I think you've got a hard-on!

You little scumbag! I got your name! I got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you! Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best unfark yourself or I will unscrew your head and shiat down your neck!

Five dollars is all my mom will let me spend.


But then, my wife has a weird sense of humor.
 
2012-07-03 07:21:29 PM  

Recoil Therapy: Mop?


I think it might be jail talk for "foreplay".

/I have a friend who is a guard
 
2012-07-03 07:23:19 PM  

SharkInfested: Eh, kind of have this problem with guy I'm seeing, who also loves to go down south, but it's more a matter of getting too sensitive after multiple orgasms.


Even before an orgasm for me it gets too sensitive, no matter how gentle he's being. Kind of hurts. Nicer to have the "indirect" contact of the cock during playtime.

/no, guys, you're never going to figure us out in general
 
2012-07-03 07:25:12 PM  

CasperImproved: Recoil Therapy: Mop?

I think it might be jail talk for "foreplay".

/I have a friend who is a guard


Does your guard friend like the gunners?
 
2012-07-03 07:38:29 PM  

JackieRabbit: Men's Health is kind of the Jezebel for men, after all.


Minus the snarling feminists and thinly-veiled contempt of women.
 
2012-07-03 07:42:10 PM  
Talondel: Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.

"Look into your heart. Look into your heart."
In the voice John Turturro begging for his life.
 
2012-07-03 08:01:17 PM  
I would suggest it's easier to just find a girl who really likes to give head
 
2012-07-03 08:14:12 PM  
Why all the FARK-submitted man-hate from JEZEBEL?

/somebody got their vajayjay on?
 
2012-07-03 09:01:47 PM  

wambu: Why all the FARK-submitted man-hate from JEZEBEL?

/somebody got their vajayjay on?


They're just a fem version of the Onion. I would assume with some of the really stupid shiat they write that they probably spend a good part of the business day belly laughing at their efforts to sound serious..
 
2012-07-03 09:03:02 PM  

Lawnchair: Why is it important to figure out if this foxy stranger is on the pill? To avoid unwanted pregnancy? Oh no, you're trying to make speculative assumptions about her hormone levels. You know, so you can bone her!

Er, yeah, that's the idea. Drinks are expensive for a lot of platonic gal-pals. Not that I'm buying the whole 'blink counting' routine, but yes, it'd be nice to have a handle on where the hormones lie.

Because the Pill (and hooray for the Pill, women's liberation, and women's choice to take the Pill, btw) very commonly leads to near-zero long-term libido. Depo/ring/implanon may be worse. And there are studies for this. Not a near-zero urge to date, marry, or shack up (my own observations), but very low libido. I've lived a decade with that life, and, sure, I intend to be there for my partner if sex stopped due to cancer or whatever, but barring that, I'd like "at least once a week" to be a starting point in a future relationship. This may may me a jerk.


Argh. Birth control does kill your libido. I was using the BC patch for awhile and my SO noticed a SHARP decrease in our playtime. I also experienced an increase in anxiety attacks which stopped once I went off it. Messing with hormones is not always a fun game.
 
mhd
2012-07-03 09:10:38 PM  
To get the usual suspects out of the way, a selection of top movie quotes that work in a sexual situation:

Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night.

What we've got here is failure to communicate.

The stuff that dreams are made of.

Rosebud.

Made it, Ma! Top of the world!

There's no place like home.

I am big! It's the pictures that got small.

Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

Plastics.

Well, nobody's perfect.

It's alive! It's alive!

A boy's best friend is his mother.

As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.

Say "hello" to my little friend!

Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.

Here's Johnny!

Is it safe?

No wire hangers, ever!

Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac...It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!

I feel the need - the need for speed!
 
2012-07-03 09:30:08 PM  

ms_lara_croft: "25. "Rope-a-dope: "

And we're done here. So you think of her as a dope? Nice...


i think off all vaginas as george foreman but do prefer the bald grill hustling george over the scowling afro george of the 70s.

just because.
 
2012-07-03 09:33:24 PM  

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.



this is the stupidest goddamn post in this thread
 
2012-07-03 09:45:49 PM  

TheyCallMeC0WB0Y: I've tried #17

[i.imgur.com image 604x453]

It works!!


Is that an incredibly rare Dornier 328 jet in the background? Aren't there only like 30 of the things worldwide?
 
2012-07-03 09:47:34 PM  

Raspil: this is the stupidest goddamn post in this thread


n00b
 
2012-07-03 09:56:17 PM  

DeltaPunch: Good thing women on the pill aren't forced to wear a scarlet "P" on their chests, or this magazine would go out of business.


Yeah, why in the unholy hell is the pill so important to these people? Because that really just screams 'creepy and unnecessarily intimate for someone I'm just glancing at and may or may not even know' to me.

/Amazingly enough, creeping women out results in restraining orders.
 
2012-07-03 10:01:27 PM  

Raspil:

this is the stupidest goddamn post in this thread


No, that would be yours. You never met Pocket Ninja before?
 
2012-07-03 10:08:43 PM  

PsiChick: /Amazingly enough, creeping women out results in restraining orders.


NOW YOU TELL ME

;)
 
2012-07-03 10:14:59 PM  

Raspil: this is the stupidest goddamn post in this thread


Why yes, yes it is.
 
2012-07-03 10:17:15 PM  
Gay-dude written article is written by a gay dude.
 
2012-07-03 10:23:25 PM  

PsiChick: DeltaPunch: Good thing women on the pill aren't forced to wear a scarlet "P" on their chests, or this magazine would go out of business.

Yeah, why in the unholy hell is the pill so important to these people? Because that really just screams 'creepy and unnecessarily intimate for someone I'm just glancing at and may or may not even know' to me.

/Amazingly enough, creeping women out results in restraining orders.


Because there really are guys out there that think if a woman is on the pill she is in "fark mode" and will do it with anyone.
The concepts of "just being prepared" or "beneficial side effects" don't occur to these people.
 
2012-07-03 10:57:11 PM  

stonicus: The concepts of "just being prepared" or "beneficial side effects" don't occur to these people.


Always Be Coming?

I dunno. These types of guys seem like weird salesmen-types to me. They really exist? Weird. Very weird...
 
2012-07-03 11:06:25 PM  
19%? I like those odds.
 
2012-07-03 11:20:55 PM  

AmazinTim: "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Hell, I use this on most first dates. Of course, by the time I get around to whipping out my Nutella-junk, it's all sweaty and lousy with lint.


You'll be receiving a bill for a new keyboard....
 
2012-07-03 11:24:18 PM  
All those fancy phrases and no "Surrender Dorothy" ?
/tsk
 
2012-07-04 01:20:22 AM  

BurnShrike: Hilarious article. The best ones (palm licking and surprise butt sex) have already been mentioned and mocked thoroughly, so I'll pick on...

15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."

Um.. is that a good thing? I thought size didn't matter, or is that just the penis? And does this affect only mice? If my balls get too big, won't my penis look like it's mouse-sized? Has a woman ever, in the history of humanity, said "Oh my those giant testicles of yours really drive me wild"

10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."

How the fark would she know they're mutant? I've never seen someone do a post-coital check for this sort of thing. Who keeps a microscope under their pillow? And who would turn down great sex because of that?

"I love the things you do to me, but I'm afraid I saw a sperm with two tails so I'm going to have to ask you to leave"


Remember the guy from a week or two ago that had the 100 lb testicles? I know a guy who had the same problem, although it was treated long before they got to -that- size. But even once the fluid is drained and the problem corrected, you still have an enormous amount of ball sack skin left over. So, "Balls" as we call him (and we call his fiancee the soon to be Mrs Balls), has a freaking enormous ballsack. And yes, he loves to show it off when he gets drunk (probably when he doesn't, either, but when everyone's sober we can stop him). And it's about 6 regular ballsacks worth of ballsack.
 
2012-07-04 01:25:12 AM  
upload.wikimedia.org

/obligatory?
 
2012-07-04 02:06:35 AM  

Salt Lick Steady: SharkInfested: Eh, kind of have this problem with guy I'm seeing, who also loves to go down south, but it's more a matter of getting too sensitive after multiple orgasms.

Even before an orgasm for me it gets too sensitive, no matter how gentle he's being. Kind of hurts. Nicer to have the "indirect" contact of the cock during playtime.

/no, guys, you're never going to figure us out in general


My wife turns the tables for a bit when she gets "too sensitive".

-"You need to lay back"
-"I need to?"
-"Yes, more than your next breath"

/my woman rocks
//not trying to figure you out in general
///just one specifically
 
2012-07-04 02:28:37 AM  

Dr J Zoidberg: Persnickety: qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike

I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.

The real question is why he ever left girlfriend 5?


I sometimes find myself asking that too.
 
2012-07-04 03:56:23 AM  

Pocket Ninja: She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


She is smiling because she is now planning on how to introduce you to the little known joys of surprise genital waxing. Sleep tight.
 
2012-07-04 04:03:23 AM  

AmazinTim: "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

Hell, I use this on most first dates. Of course, by the time I get around to whipping out my Nutella-junk, it's all sweaty and lousy with lint.


Like I wasn't turned on enough from the image of a naked man sauntering towards me brandishing a penis covered with sticky brown goo. Now you have to get kinky and add lint.
 
2012-07-04 04:06:20 AM  

qualtrough: Dr J Zoidberg: Persnickety: qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike

I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.

The real question is why he ever left girlfriend 5?

I sometimes find myself asking that too.


img2.ranker.com
 
2012-07-04 04:06:52 AM  

qualtrough: Dr J Zoidberg: Persnickety: qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike

I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.

The real question is why he ever left girlfriend 5?

I sometimes find myself asking that too.


#5

d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net

sometimes even good sex aint worth the trouble.
 
2012-07-04 04:46:12 AM  

kiwichan: qualtrough: Dr J Zoidberg: Persnickety: qualtrough: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Girlfriend 1: Bang me hard, harder.
Next Girlfriend: Not so rough, nobody likes it that way.
Next Girlfriend: Pinch my nipples hard, I like that.
Next Girlfriend: Whoa, easy with those!
Next Girlfriend: Shove it up my ass, I love it.
Next Girlfriend: Don't even think about it.
...and so on.

//No two are alike

I think the real lesson here is: Dump even numbered girlfriends as fast as possible.

The real question is why he ever left girlfriend 5?

I sometimes find myself asking that too.

[img2.ranker.com image 323x323]


Dayaammm! So much for me sleeping tonight. She is that nightmare woman that comes up to you at a party and says "We are soulmates, don't you feel it?"
 
2012-07-04 05:54:26 AM  

tiiger: TheyCallMeC0WB0Y: I've tried #17

[i.imgur.com image 604x453]

It works!!

Is that an incredibly rare Dornier 328 jet in the background? Aren't there only like 30 of the things worldwide?


Aero-Vodochody L-39... popular and economical jet warbird (if any of those can be called economical... figure $2k/hour operating costs on a 39 these days).
 
2012-07-04 10:25:22 AM  

Strategeryz0r: LaraAmber: http://www.liberator.com/

You can thank me later. I accept Godiva chocolate, Guinness, and cash.

At work and I dare not click any links in this thread.

So what are we thanking you for my dear?

OOOO one more question, and this goes out to the ladies.. maybe gay boys too if they have incite.

My wife, and again true story here, has never performed oral on a single man in her entire life. She's always been kind of weirder out by it, but wants to give it a shot for me(like most guys, I love oral...). She has asked that we look into some of those flavored oral creams/lotions. Suggestions of which ones to try, or things I can suggest her way to help?

And before some feminist chick goes "why do you need your dick in her mouth? that's gross"(it's happened when I've brought this up in other places). Trust me when I say she gets lots and lots of oral lovings from me. This is not some one way street where I expect BJ's and a sandwich and give nothing back. I just like exploring my wife's rather unexplored sexuality. And if she's willing, I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible.


Drink cranberry juice. I've been told it makes the end result rather sweet.
 
2012-07-04 07:51:26 PM  
incite?

wft

Anyway, I am here with my sex advice. When a chick says she doesnt want to do anal what you need to do is slip it in there when she isnt expecting it. After plunging her vag for a bit, switch to her mouth, then when you head back to the vag, BOOM, you stick in in her pooper. By the time she realizes what is going on she will realize she likes it. Unless of course she is a lesbian. In which case she will get upset. If that occurs you just say that you slipped / it was an accident.
 
2012-07-05 12:16:08 AM  

Strategeryz0r: El Hodor: nickerj1: Trance354: Rule 1.) she comes first.
Rule 2.) see rule number 1
Rule 3.) If you're still going, try and make her come again before blowing your wad.

/and women think you're superman if you can do this.

The first few times you hook up with a girl, you want to have a female orgasm-to-male orgasm ratio of at least 3:1. This will make her want to sex you every time she sees you over the next 6 months, at least. Continue at a minimum average female-to-male ratio of 1.5:1, never letting it drop below 1:1 on any particular session. To make your job easier, and as a matter of courtesy, I highly recommend Rule 1 and Rule 2.

I thought everyone knew this rule. If it's too complicated you can break it down further
One before yours
One around the same time you get yours
One after yours

Seriously, there should be a nursery rhyme for this.

OK, I adhere to this rule myself. HOWEVER, my wife has an issue with this.

See I am the type of guy who doesn't mind going down south, I actually really really enjoy it. She loves it too, but complains that she gets too wet too quickly and it ruins things for her. So my question to you ladies is this:

How can I ensure my lady gets off before without her reaching the point of being "so wet she can't enjoy it the actual sex?"


Try one of these. Just don't leave her home alone with the tube. Or a ceiling fan.

http://ww2.pureromance.com/Developmen t/Product.aspx?id=793&bn=47037

http://ww2.pureromance.com/Developmen t/Product.aspx?id=800&bn=47037

/Shameless plug?
//just trying to help
 
2012-07-05 12:22:03 AM  

Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Strategeryz0r: JackieRabbit: Too wet? That's the first time I've ever heard a woman complain about this. My wife sometimes gets very wet and that impacts me, but not so much her. There is a solution: A little dabbing with a damp, warm washcloth will remove the excess.

Yeah was the first time I ever heard it too. She claims when things get too wet she can't feel it as much, and makes it difficult for her to enjoy it.

The loss of sensation if a problem for me, so I can understand that it would be the same for her. Try the warm cloth trick I mentioned. Alternatively, you can take her from behind at these time, when she has her legs closed. This will tighten things up a bit and increase both her your sensations.

Problem numero dos, and this is 100% completely serious not some "haha just trying to prop yourself up on fark:

to uhh give you an idea of base size differences. I am 6ft 4in tall. She is 5ft 1in tall. When we do positions that allow for deeper penetration, it starts to hurt her because I go a wee bit too deep. I've tried to compensate for this by slowing down, not pushing into her so much, etc. Yet I can never seem to get the right combo that prevents her from getting speared like an African tribesman.

Ideas? Since I have the ear of another woman you seem like the perfect candidate to ask this question to.


Open ended male stimulator. You feel like you're all the way in, she gets the fun part, without the pain of a ruptured lung

Make sure you use a quality emollient lube.

(can also be used for oral favors if she has a sensitive gag reflex)
 
2012-07-05 12:25:51 AM  

random guess: /Shameless plug?



That's another sex toy marital aid, isn't it?
 
2012-07-05 12:56:39 AM  

runcible spork: random guess: /Shameless plug?

That's another sex toy marital aid, isn't it?


Bahahaha ya got me boy do I feel dumb!
 
2012-07-05 01:11:47 AM  

random guess: runcible spork: random guess: /Shameless plug?

That's another sex toy marital aid, isn't it?

Bahahaha ya got me boy do I feel dumb!



Sorry. Sometimes it's difficult to tell here.
 
2012-07-05 01:34:49 AM  

runcible spork: random guess: runcible spork: random guess: /Shameless plug?

That's another sex toy marital aid, isn't it?

Bahahaha ya got me boy do I feel dumb!

Sorry. Sometimes it's difficult to tell here.


No apologies, glad you pointed it out! It was funny and totally unintentional!
 
2012-07-05 01:38:16 AM  
*sigh*

I love each and every one of you. Thank you for making me laugh so hard the dog comes over to see if I am ok. Thank you for sharing your sordid tales, sexual exploits and degeneracy with us.

/fark makes me feel alive
//tsb
 
2012-07-05 10:16:59 AM  

Talondel:
Fark needs a 'Top 100 Movie Lines to Shout During Sex' thread.


The sad part is that the first quote that popped into my head was:

"Just where do you think you are?!?!"

/Certainly hoping it isn't Detroit.
 
2012-07-05 05:07:38 PM  

Pocket Ninja: Also, male sperm has chemicals in it that actually absorb into a woman's body and affect the pleasure center of her brain, bringing about a state of general happiness and well-being that can last up to two hours. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know this (part of our puritanical refusal to allow effective sex ed in schools, I guess) and so have an ironic aversion toward sperm. They insist that men wear condoms to avoid ejaculation within their vaginas and take a "spit" approach to oral sex. But permitting this sort of behavior only means that the woman in question will never truly know the full benefits she can achieve from sex, which is why your job, as her partner, should be to show her. She may voice some displeasure the first time she experiences surprise sperm, but just wait -- about five minutes into the tirade, you'll see that slow smile spread across her face and she'll settle back into bed with a look of heavenly satisfaction. You're golden then.


I can't wait until my wife gets home from work so I can try this out. Better stake out my spot behind the back door (no pun intended) so I can really get the drop on her and make it a surprise she won't soon forget.

Thanks, Pocket Ninja!
 
2012-07-05 05:10:40 PM  

farkin_noob: Mikmaq Paddywhack: farkin_noob: Mikmaq Paddywhack: StrikitRich: 32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."

Author obviously didn't attend my middle school.

Or met any woman into BDSM. Hell, that's the frickin' ON switch on the right girl.

So much this. Love having my nipples pinched and bitten.

How YOU doin?

A wee bit frustrated. I'm in need of a good nipple tweaking and lots of spankings. ;-)


Anybody else ever have that sneaking suspicion that your significant other may have a Fark handle they've never told you about?

/Just in case... What's for dinner tonight, honey?
 
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  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

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