FARK.com: (7190023) Americans just as likely to be killed by their furniture as they are by terrorism. I'm so very scared. Help

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		Americans just as likely to be killed by their furniture as they are by terrorism. I'm so very scared. Help (theatlantic.com)		72
		More: Interesting, Americans, Shabab, Maghreb, counter-terrorism, Arabian Peninsula, AQAP, terrorist threats

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5140 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Jun 2012 at 1:38 PM | Favorite | share:

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FirstNationalBastard		2012-06-30 11:03:02 AM

Damn Talibanisters.

Sid_6.7		2012-06-30 11:05:33 AM

As I've attempted to explain to panicky idiots that I know on multiple occasions:

It is far, far more likely that they will be murdered by a family member or someone they consider a friend than that they will be murdered by a terrorist.

T. Dawg		2012-06-30 11:20:20 AM

My mother bought dining and living room sets of Mission style after her last kid moved out, so I'm guessing she wants us all dead.

MaudlinMutantMollusk		2012-06-30 11:21:28 AM

So what the hell am I supposed to do with all this frikkin plastic sheeting and duct tape?

The My Little Pony Killer		2012-06-30 11:23:51 AM

It's highly unlikely that I'll be killed by my furniture? Great, now I can pick up that guillotine I've had my eye on!

mitchcumstein1		2012-06-30 11:25:22 AM

I've long suspected that the couch and the love seat were up to something, they always get quiet when I come into the room.

Oh, I know what's going on couch and love seat, I know.

miss diminutive		2012-06-30 11:27:14 AM

I think it depends on the furniture.

wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net

/would look great in my living room
//next to my ottoman empire ottoman

jaylectricity		2012-06-30 11:52:12 AM

Sid_6.7: As I've attempted to explain to panicky idiots that I know on multiple occasions:

It is far, far more likely that they will be murdered by a family member or someone they consider a friend than that they will be murdered by a terrorist.

Let's just pretend for a moment that I was afraid of terrorists. (I'm not) It's not that I would be afraid of being murdered, or even assaulted by a terrorist. I would be afraid that a terrorist would take an action that would compromise our safety as a whole.

xanadian		2012-06-30 12:01:51 PM

Slatted chairs are the new Taliban!!

/I see what you did there, subby

TheGrayCat		2012-06-30 12:12:41 PM

Anyone have a link to that thread?

That was epic.

xanadian		2012-06-30 12:48:31 PM

TheGrayCat: Anyone have a link to that thread?

That was epic.

I'm stuck to my chair. I'm so very scared. Help

NewportBarGuy		2012-06-30 01:12:00 PM

FirstNationalBastard: Damn Talibanisters.

You, Sir, are a scholar and a gentleman.

born_yesterday		2012-06-30 01:22:30 PM

How do you protect yourself against a recliner? You can't.

farkityfarker		2012-06-30 01:41:31 PM

If the "defense" contractors could find a way to sell a war on furniture, they would.

Nuclear Monk		2012-06-30 01:42:43 PM

Ethan Allen hates us for our freedom.

sleep lack		2012-06-30 01:47:00 PM

Need to set up the S.O.F.A along the lines of TSA to deal with this.

Nina_Hartley's_Ass		2012-06-30 01:47:01 PM

I don't care. I still do NOT negotiate with my furniture.

DownDaRiver		2012-06-30 01:48:36 PM

I've had suspicions about the ottoman for some time now.
Its been having hushed conversations with the persian rug.
The lazyboy been stressed lately too. I think he's heard that the hallway runners are teaming with the other two for an uprising.

hundreddollarman		2012-06-30 01:49:25 PM

xanadian: TheGrayCat: Anyone have a link to that thread?

That was epic.

I'm stuck to my chair. I'm so very scared. Help

Epic thread is epic.

mat catastrophe		2012-06-30 01:49:58 PM

Seems like that likelihood is even less for those of us Americans actually living in America.

ratrider		2012-06-30 01:52:00 PM

The Barcalounger is worse than their bite?

TheBigJerk		2012-06-30 01:57:27 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: So what the hell am I supposed to do with all this frikkin plastic sheeting and duct tape?

Make furniture covers, obviously.

LittleMissStubborn		2012-06-30 01:57:45 PM

My dresser drawer tried to bite my finger off yesterday.
I'm pretty sure I'll survive, but I'm Canadian. I guess our furniture isn't quite as violent.

SilentStrider		2012-06-30 01:57:50 PM

This is how the Ottoman Empire got started.

Arkanaut		2012-06-30 01:59:21 PM

Obama is showing his weakness by not declaring a Global War on Furniture!!!!!111!1

exatron		2012-06-30 02:04:32 PM

/This is a [hot] Muppet News Flash

t3knomanser		2012-06-30 02:04:35 PM

knows the danger of furniture- and she'll teach you all about it!

//If you're willing to work past the "evil" thing.

MaudlinMutantMollusk		2012-06-30 02:05:52 PM

TheBigJerk: MaudlinMutantMollusk: So what the hell am I supposed to do with all this frikkin plastic sheeting and duct tape?

Make furniture covers, obviously.

Now why didn't I think of that?

/thanks!
//and in the event of the rare terrorist attack, you can still wrap yourself up in therm

Englebert Slaptyback		2012-06-30 02:06:11 PM

T. Dawg

My mother bought dining and living room sets of Mission style after her last kid moved out, so I'm guessing she wants us all dead.

I suppose that would be the Mission-ary position.

RogermcAllen		2012-06-30 02:11:38 PM

Sid_6.7: As I've attempted to explain to panicky idiots that I know on multiple occasions:

It is far, far more likely that they will be murdered by a family member or someone they consider a friend than that they will be murdered by a terrorist.

873,000 people comimit suicide each year. Only 13,288 were killed by terrorists last year.

You are something like 65 times more likely to kill yourself than be killed by terrorists.

Evil Twin Skippy		2012-06-30 02:13:28 PM

I put you together with this allen key... and goddamnit I can take you apart again!

esteban9		2012-06-30 02:16:22 PM

Few people know the Ikeans are far more dangerous than Al Qaeda.

foxyshadis		2012-06-30 02:16:39 PM

miss diminutive: I think it depends on the furniture.

[wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net image 625x417]

/would look great in my living room
//next to my ottoman empire ottoman

But does it recline?

/Want.

danceswithcrows		2012-06-30 02:17:34 PM

I think my couch may be mixed up in unsavory militant activities. What should I do?

Evil Twin Skippy		2012-06-30 02:19:07 PM

Ow hell, organized crime kills more people.

Fat Old Broad		2012-06-30 02:25:34 PM

xanadian: TheGrayCat: Anyone have a link to that thread?

That was epic.

I'm stuck to my chair. I'm so very scared. Help

lol

I bed you I'm not afraid of terrorists or the furniture. ( I apologize. )

LordOfThePings		2012-06-30 02:31:41 PM

Oh, the humanity!

Onkel Buck		2012-06-30 02:33:10 PM

I never trusted "Al IKEA"

Gergesa		2012-06-30 02:35:58 PM

One thing that always struck me as interesting about the Bush years was what appeared (to me at least) to be full blown paranoia. Constantly I would read internet postings about muslim terrorists were around every corner, hiding in the closet, so on. If we didn't fight them in Iraq, they would invade and conquer us and so on.

I'm not entirely certain how that made any sense in people's mind but I guess it provided the sort of emotional satisfaction they needed to liven up their lives and imagine themselves as some sort of stalwart defender or something.

T.M.S.		2012-06-30 02:36:35 PM

While I don't doubt the report I can say the closest I have come to death was at the hands of terrorists, not my sofa.

Nina_Hartley's_Ass		2012-06-30 02:45:37 PM

Gergesa: One thing that always struck me as interesting about the Bush years was what appeared (to me at least) to be full blown paranoia. Constantly I would read internet postings about muslim terrorists were around every corner, hiding in the closet, so on. If we didn't fight them in Iraq, they would invade and conquer us and so on.

I'm not entirely certain how that made any sense in people's mind but I guess it provided the sort of emotional satisfaction they needed to liven up their lives and imagine themselves as some sort of stalwart defender or something.

Olbermann regularly pointed out how those alerts boosted political support for W and the GOP in general.

/"nexus of politics and terror"

KrispyKritter		2012-06-30 02:48:55 PM

Chairface Chippendale doesn't appreciate the attention

DaCaptain19		2012-06-30 02:54:25 PM

In Chicago the mayor has been arguing for the installation of "speed" cameras around schools and parks, using the argument that it would provide "more safety" against kids getting run down while crossing the streets.

At the time of the initial argument (around Xmas and January) there were zero (0) children who had gotten killed or injured due to being hit by cars near schools or parks.

At the same time there were 4 fatalities (plus a few additional non-fatal injury incidences) since that October thru January due to kids being killed by falling TV sets.

What really are your damn priorities, Chicago?!

FloydA		2012-06-30 02:58:29 PM

Face the wrath of the Mujahidinnertable, infidels!

brantgoose		2012-06-30 03:07:35 PM

Never trust a Plumbot or a Changeatron.

The Plumbots have their own website, apparently.

That's a very suspicious looking lamp, if you ask me: http://plumbot.ca/

And if comedy has taught us anything, it is that you can't trust an Ottoman (Dick van Dyke), Murphy bed, sofa-bed or folding chair, in fact, anything that folds into anything else, such as a Transformer, Go-Bot or card table.

ThrobblefootSpectre		2012-06-30 03:12:57 PM

I've never perceived it to be a personal fear of being killed by a terrorist. Out of perhaps a hundred or more people I know and interact with regularly throughout the week, I don't know anyone, not a single person, who worries about personally being harmed by terrorist. What I've seen is more an anger about religious nutjobbery that works against the interests of civil rights in various countries.

I've got to admit that I personally find it more tragic when a reporter is beheaded for religious idealism, than when some guy tips a TV over on himself. That's just me. It's not a personal fear of terrorism, so much as a dislike of terrorism victimizing other people. If the beheadings are okay with you, then well, I guess we disagree on that point. But evidently Mr. Zenko cowers in a corner in fear of his TV. That's okay too. More power to him.

I'm sure Mr. Zenko is sometimes a rational person. This just isn't one of those times.

mikewadestr		2012-06-30 03:17:50 PM

Hell yeah this is true. I just shot my couch and loveseat which were conspiring against me. This country really needs to start having an open furniture season.

SarcasticFark		2012-06-30 03:35:31 PM

xanadian: TheGrayCat: Anyone have a link to that thread?

That was epic.

I'm stuck to my chair. I'm so very scared. Help

All of those people who were in the Tom Cruise thread yesterday asking "What's a beard?" should probably avail themselves to the wisdom and epicness of that thread.