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(Mirror.co.uk)   Thirty of the best insults of all time by witty celebrities   (mirror.co.uk) divider line 86
    More: Amusing, Nora Ephron, human beings, Bette Midler, Joan Crawford, Woody Allen, Girls Aloud, Bette Davis, Audrey Hepburn  
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17268 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 29 Jun 2012 at 11:39 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-06-29 04:51:10 PM
Fark you in the butthole, subby.


dnrtfa
 
2012-06-29 05:14:46 PM
Winston Churchill would have made an awesome Farker.
 
2012-06-29 07:18:37 PM

Skywolf Philosopher: Winston Churchill would have made an awesome Farker.


Dorothy Parker was the original Farkette, she was kind of bug deal
 
2012-06-29 07:52:01 PM

NuttierThanEver: Skywolf Philosopher: Winston Churchill would have made an awesome Farker.

Dorothy Parker was the original Farkette, she was kind of bug deal


Mae West. Maaaan oh man. Mae West would have been hilarious.
 
2012-06-29 08:53:48 PM

Bontesla: NuttierThanEver: Skywolf Philosopher: Winston Churchill would have made an awesome Farker.

Dorothy Parker was the original Farkette, she was kind of bug deal

Mae West. Maaaan oh man. Mae West would have been hilarious.


Groucho Marx would have been excellent.
 
2012-06-29 09:21:31 PM
"Does the Honourable Lady remember that she was an egg herself once: and very many members of all sides of this House regret that it was ever fertilised?" Sir Nicholas Fairbairn attacking junior Health Minister Edwina Currie over the salmonella crisis

I choked on my Starbucks reading that. Holy shiat.
 
2012-06-29 09:31:55 PM
Darn...that article would've come in handy for that recent insults thread...

Subby, you're living proof that anal sex produces children.
 
2012-06-29 09:37:25 PM
Wow, a lot of those were pretty freaking lame.
 
2012-06-29 09:38:38 PM

Lorelle: Darn...that article would've come in handy for that recent insults thread...

Subby, you're living proof that anal sex produces children.


Subby is an ass that comes from an ass!
 
2012-06-29 09:56:29 PM

AlwaysRightBoy: Lorelle: Darn...that article would've come in handy for that recent insults thread...

Subby, you're living proof that anal sex produces children.

Subby is an ass that comes from an ass!


Spoken like a real doody head.
 
2012-06-29 09:57:53 PM

AlwaysRightBoy: Lorelle: Darn...that article would've come in handy for that recent insults thread...

Subby, you're living proof that anal sex produces children.

Subby is an ass that comes from an ass!


Shut up, you son of a jenny.
 
2012-06-29 09:59:17 PM
H.L. Mencken:

He writes the worst English that I have ever encountered. It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself out of the dark abysm of pish, and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash.
on Warren G. Harding
 
2012-06-29 10:33:12 PM
I believe I heard this on Welcome Back, Kotter a long time ago:

Your face is so ugly, it's closed down on weekends!
 
2012-06-29 10:49:39 PM
Some were good, some were lame. Joan River's "yo momma Elizabeth Taylor so fat" joke makes the lame ones look amazing.
 
2012-06-29 11:58:20 PM

Ghastly: Wow, a lot of those were pretty freaking lame.


Indeed. Churchill's bon mots were the only worthwhile ones,of course.
 
2012-06-29 11:59:25 PM
* "You can put lipstick on a pig...it's still a pig." President Obama after Sara Palin's joke that the only difference between a soccer mom and a pitbull was lipstick...

I don't get this one, unless it really isn't clever at all because there doesn't seem to be anything there
 
2012-06-30 12:03:24 AM
"If ever there was a thought in that airhead brain of hers, it would perish from loneliness."

-Charlie Sheen on Hot Shots co-star Kristy Swanson
 
2012-06-30 12:10:13 AM
I'm pretty sure the rotting corpse of Rodney Dangerfield could've presently produced 30 funnier insults in the time I took to write this post.
 
2012-06-30 12:18:16 AM

TofuTheAlmighty: I'm pretty sure the rotting corpse of Rodney Dangerfield could've presently produced 30 funnier insults in the time I took to write this post.


You musta been something before electricity.
 
2012-06-30 12:18:44 AM

thecpt: * "You can put lipstick on a pig...it's still a pig." President Obama after Sara Palin's joke that the only difference between a soccer mom and a pitbull was lipstick...

I don't get this one, unless it really isn't clever at all because there doesn't seem to be anything there


Especially since it wasn't really a response to Sarah Palin. It was just a reference to the lipstick on a pig saying. It's not much of a zinger when it's just referencing folksy shiat.
 
2012-06-30 12:27:42 AM
One of Noel Gallagher's lines, still makes me laugh.

"Liam is... rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He's the angriest man you'll ever meet. He's like a man with a fork in a world of soup."
 
2012-06-30 12:39:33 AM

BSABSVR: thecpt: * "You can put lipstick on a pig...it's still a pig." President Obama after Sara Palin's joke that the only difference between a soccer mom and a pitbull was lipstick...

I don't get this one, unless it really isn't clever at all because there doesn't seem to be anything there

Especially since it wasn't really a response to Sarah Palin. It was just a reference to the lipstick on a pig saying. It's not much of a zinger when it's just referencing folksy shiat.


Yeah, but the McCain campaign tried to make it "OMG, OBAMA CALLED SARAH PALIN A PIG!"
 
2012-06-30 12:45:17 AM

BSABSVR: thecpt: * "You can put lipstick on a pig...it's still a pig." President Obama after Sara Palin's joke that the only difference between a soccer mom and a pitbull was lipstick...

I don't get this one, unless it really isn't clever at all because there doesn't seem to be anything there

Especially since it wasn't really a response to Sarah Palin. It was just a reference to the lipstick on a pig saying. It's not much of a zinger when it's just referencing folksy shiat.


Yes the reason it doesn't make sense is because "You can put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig" was an old saying and then Caraboo Barbie made a joke that the punchline was "lipstick" and then dumbasses tried to connect the two.
 
2012-06-30 12:51:06 AM
FTA "Charlotte Church is a nasty little piece of work with a fat head. I don't know who she and her scabby boyfriend think they are. He's a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And she's not even gorgeous." Cheryl Cole

I'm trying to figure out how that is the slightest bit witty, and failing.
 
2012-06-30 12:53:13 AM

Bhruic: FTA "Charlotte Church is a nasty little piece of work with a fat head. I don't know who she and her scabby boyfriend think they are. He's a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And she's not even gorgeous." Cheryl Cole

I'm trying to figure out how that is the slightest bit witty, and failing.


In British slang," you're ugly and you're boyfriend is ugly too" is the height of wit. Probably something to do with rhyming slang
 
2012-06-30 12:55:24 AM

Bhruic: FTA "Charlotte Church is a nasty little piece of work with a fat head. I don't know who she and her scabby boyfriend think they are. He's a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And she's not even gorgeous." Cheryl Cole

I'm trying to figure out how that is the slightest bit witty, and failing.


That's why they call it a "way homer".
 
2012-06-30 01:04:24 AM

gunga galunga: That's why they call it a "way homer".


s3.amazonaws.com
Approves
 
2012-06-30 01:10:20 AM
"He looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair." -Boy George, on Prince
 
2012-06-30 01:28:08 AM
Aunt Esther: Who you calling ugly, sucker?
Fred Sanford: I'm calling you ugly, I could push your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.
 
2012-06-30 01:35:59 AM
I know you are, Subby, but what am I?
 
2012-06-30 01:49:54 AM
"Charlotte Church is a nasty little piece of work with a fat head. I don't know who she and her scabby boyfriend think they are. He's a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And she's not even gorgeous."

i.imgur.com
 
2012-06-30 01:51:16 AM

Ghastly: Wow, a lot of those were pretty freaking lame.


/charlton heston
 
2012-06-30 01:51:44 AM
That article was so retarded, it has up, left, right, and down syndrome.
 
2012-06-30 01:51:51 AM
(or whatever the f his name was)
 
2012-06-30 02:03:16 AM
Randall "Tex" Cobb (farkers that don't watch boxing might know him as the biker in Raising Arizona) was a heavy weight boxer for many years. He was at some dinner function where a slew of prominent 70's and 80's heavyweights were in attendance. Cobb of course was asked to speak, and on the podium he said "What a bunch of baaaad ass n****rs we have here tonight." Among those in attendance was Renaldo Snipes, who stood up in protest at the peceived racial slur.

Cobb calmly replied, "I wasn't referring to YOU, Mr. Snipes."
 
2012-06-30 02:08:58 AM
A famous exchange between George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill about a pair of tickets to a play.

Shaw: I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend-if you have one.

Churchill: Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second-if there is one.
 
2012-06-30 02:14:34 AM
One of my favorites was the club dining room scene in Caddyshack when Dangerfield said to another guests appearance: "Now I know why tigers eat their young".
 
2012-06-30 02:46:41 AM
www.sweetslyrics.com

"Michael Jackson's album was called Bad because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic."
 
2012-06-30 02:47:26 AM
Witticisms are appreciated, but some in TFA are kinda weak.

I agree with the aforementioned Mae West and Groucho Marx, and would add some by Mark Twain, Ambrose Bierce and Oscar Wilde. They could reduce any man to ashes with a sentence.

These are generic, not a direct insult to a specific person -- so sue me.


Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Ambrose Bierce

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
Ambrose Bierce

Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Ambrose Bierce

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.
Ambrose Bierce

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Ambrose Bierce

Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
Ambrose Bierce

Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
Ambrose Bierce

Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
Ambrose Bierce

An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Oscar Wilde

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.
Oscar Wilde

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.
Oscar Wilde

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
Oscar Wilde

A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament.
Oscar Wilde

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
Oscar Wilde

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
Mark Twain

All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain
 
2012-06-30 02:48:30 AM
imgc.allpostersimages.com
 
2012-06-30 02:56:07 AM

thecpt: * "You can put lipstick on a pig...it's still a pig." President Obama after Sara Palin's joke that the only difference between a soccer mom and a pitbull was lipstick...

I don't get this one, unless it really isn't clever at all because there doesn't seem to be anything there


Obama needs to mind his own business and stop worrying about what I do in my personal life.
 
2012-06-30 03:02:39 AM

Bhruic: FTA "Charlotte Church is a nasty little piece of work with a fat head. I don't know who she and her scabby boyfriend think they are. He's a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And she's not even gorgeous." Cheryl Cole

I'm trying to figure out how that is the slightest bit witty, and failing.


Yeah, I read that, but all I got from it was, "I am a vacant, shallow, waste-of-space airhead bint."
 
2012-06-30 03:22:34 AM

StopLurkListen: Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
Ambrose Bierce.


Bierce was a master of pointed satire and wit in his day. I found a copy of Tales of Soldiers and Civilians and almost the next day all of his work became public domain.
 
2012-06-30 03:25:24 AM
List fails a bit for including Cheryl Cole, who is not exactly famed for her wit.

Would have liked to see some Margaret Thatcher, Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward on there.

ENjoyed the churchill at least.
 
2012-06-30 03:40:57 AM

No Catchy Nickname: Bhruic: FTA "Charlotte Church is a nasty little piece of work with a fat head. I don't know who she and her scabby boyfriend think they are. He's a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And she's not even gorgeous." Cheryl Cole

I'm trying to figure out how that is the slightest bit witty, and failing.

Yeah, I read that, but all I got from it was, "I am a vacant, shallow, waste-of-space airhead bint."


Bint really is one of the best slang words in existence, isn't it? Reminds me of the similarly fabulous term chav.
 
2012-06-30 04:17:58 AM

JosephFinn:

Bint really is one of the best slang words in existence, isn't it? Reminds me of the similarly fabulous term chav.


And "Chav bint" is even better!
 
2012-06-30 04:18:56 AM
Did we really just credit Obama with a platitude that's been around since the 1800s? I think using other people's lines should have barred this list.
 
2012-06-30 04:40:49 AM
The lipstick on a pig thing was a matter of timing, and the contrast between an actual honest to god folk saying and someone trying golly gosh darn too hard to be 'folksy'. It wasn't high wit, and didn't deserve to make the list, but it was fairly good.

The Cheryl Cole thing was put in just to emphasis how much of a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent the previous comment from Church was.
 
2012-06-30 04:53:39 AM
The amusingly smug picture of Church with her entourage helped as well. "Cheryl WHO?"
 
2012-06-30 04:55:38 AM
(Oh, even better! That picture was her leaving court after Church and her family screwed News of the World to the wall for hacking her voice mail.)
 
2012-06-30 05:00:18 AM

thecpt: * "You can put lipstick on a pig...it's still a pig." President Obama after Sara Palin's joke that the only difference between a soccer mom and a pitbull was lipstick...

I don't get this one, unless it really isn't clever at all because there doesn't seem to be anything there


The thing about pit-bulls was another stupid Palin non-sequitir without any real meaning. "Putting lipstick on a pig" is a common colloquial American phrase that means dressing or talking up someone worthless to try to trick people into thinking they're actually worthy. The implication being that the charade is unconvincing because the basic unworthiness of their character shines through any amount of window dressing.

Basically he took her stupid fake-saying that's not actually a saying anywhere and turned it into an actual common American saying that states that Palin is a worthless sham of a candidate. Clever bit of simple wordplay, not anything deep but pretty much on par with Churchill's stuff. Double points because it also showed that Obama was actually in touch with the "country" conservative types that Palin was pretending to represent.

That help? I know it's not funny now that I've explained it, but at least you know.
 
2012-06-30 05:26:49 AM
Looks to me like the article writer was trying to come up with something relevant yet different to say about Nora Ephron (who fit Ambrose Bierce's "An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me." perfectly - h/t StopLurkListen) and decided to come up with witty sayings. She failed almost as thoroughly as she could have (Churchill always welcome, the Gielgud shot at Ingrid Bergman, Sinatra about Redford... The one from Dorothy Parker is good, but not her most biting (Clare Boothe Luce and Parker arrived at party at the same time. Luce indicated Parker should go first, saying "Age before beauty", only to be skewered by Parker, who swept in ahead of her saying "Pearls before swine").

One of my favorite political ones comes from one of the Reagan-Mondale debates in 1984. The Dems had been trying to make an issue of Reagans age (he was 73 at the time) and when Mondale (age 56) mentioned it during the debate, Reagan responded,"I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience".
 
2012-06-30 06:09:58 AM

BSABSVR: Bhruic: rhyming slang


rhymin and a slangin in a drunken state and I'll be rockin my rhyms all the way to Lon-Don.I am most Ill and a rhymin and slangin.

/favorite song on that album
 
2012-06-30 07:45:08 AM
"Medium talent!"
 
2012-06-30 08:04:04 AM
I doubt most of you would've heard the classic insults from Paul Keating (ex Aussie Labor Prime Minister), so here are a few of my favourites: (Not as witty as Churchill, but certainly colourful.)

On the press in general:
"Scum of the earth."
"farking animals."

In a newspaper guest editorial, about a journalist who had just died (his funeral was on the day this was published):
"In a long public life I have made it a rule never to speak ill of the dead; to not criticise someone who can no longer respond to the criticism. I am going to break that rule in the case of Paddy McGuinness. I do so for this reason: in the last two decades of his life, McGuinness heaped more vitriol and contumely on me than anyone in public life. Working on the notion that "the dogs may bark but the caravan moves on", I rarely responded to his unreasonable and unceasing tirades. So, in that piggy bank of reasonableness, I have a massive store of credits that, in all fairness, I am in a moral position to draw on. And I do so to make this principal point: McGuinness was not a contrarian or even an agent provocateur. He was none of those things. He was a fraud. But let me calibrate that. He was not just a fraud, he was a liar and a fraud ... The quality of the Australian press will rise simply because his vituperation and contumely will have been excised from it."

To fellow politicians in his own party:
"Now listen mate," [to the Minister of Sport, who was proposing a 110 per cent tax deduction for contributions to a Sports Foundation] "you're not getting 110 per cent. You can forget it. This is a farking Boulevard Hotel special, this is. The trouble is we are dealing with a sports junkie here [gesturing towards Bob Hawke - who was Labor PM at the time]. I go out for a piss and they pull this one on me. Well that's the last time I leave you two alone. From now on, I'm sticking to you two like shiat to a blanket.

(over the phone): "That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just because you swallowed a farking dictionary when you were about 15 doesn't give you the right to pour a bucket of shiat over the rest of us."

In conversation with Whitlam (a former labor PM):
Whitlam: "That was a good speech. You should go back comrade, and get yourself an honours degree."
Keating (who didn't finish high school): "What for ? Then I'd be like you."

On the opposition party in general:
"They have no ideas, no integrity and no ability."
"Those opposite could not operate a tart shop" (tart shop = brothel)
"Shut up for a moment. If you ask questions and want to hear answers, shut up."

On various members of the opposition:
"You look like an Easter Island statue with an arse full of razor blades."
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
"He is the greatest job and investment destroyer since the bubonic plague."
"He has more hide than a team of elephants."
"I am not like the Leader of the Opposition. I did not slither out of the Cabinet room like a mangy maggot..."
"(His performance) is like being flogged with a warm lettuce."
"I'd put him in the same class as the rest of them: mediocrity."
"I suppose the the Honourable Gentleman's hair, like his intellect, will recede into the darkness."
"I used to refer to him as Thallium, a slow acting dope."
"The Leader of the Opposition is more to be pitied than despised, the poor old thing ... the Liberal Party ought to put him down like a faithful dog because he is of no use to it and of no use to the nation."

On why he wsn't calling an early election
Hewson: I ask the Prime Minister: if you are so confident about your view of Fightback [opposition's tax policy], why will you not call an early election?
Keating: The answer is, mate, because I want to do you slowly. There has to be a bit of sport in this for all of us. In the psychological battle stakes, we are stripped down and ready to go. I want to see those ashen-faced performances; I want more of them. I want to be encouraged. I want to see you squirm out of this load of rubbish over a number of months. There will be no easy execution for you.
 
2012-06-30 08:16:40 AM
FTFA: * "She ran the whole gamut of the emotions from A to B." Critic Dorothy Parker on Audrey Katharine Hepburn's acting in a play

That's some great research there, Mirror.
 
2012-06-30 09:08:03 AM

Ghastly: Wow, a lot of those were pretty freaking lame.


I think some of it gets lost in the English to English translation.

No Princess Margaret:

'Princess, how is the Queen?':

'Do you mean my sister, my mother, or my husband?'
 
2012-06-30 09:58:08 AM
I think I've been staring at student papers for too long today. I don't really understand this one at all:

"He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom." Britt Eklund on ex Rod Stewart

Can someone indulge me and explain what the hell that's supposed to mean?
 
2012-06-30 10:01:41 AM

ryant123: I think I've been staring at student papers for too long today. I don't really understand this one at all:

"He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom." Britt Eklund on ex Rod Stewart

Can someone indulge me and explain what the hell that's supposed to mean?

Very

poor attempt at toilet humor would be my guess.
 
2012-06-30 10:05:26 AM
The article brought to mind Roger Ebert's reviews of the Cannes version of Vincent Gallo's "The Brown Bunny";

"I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny. It is true that I am fat, but one day I shall be thin, and he will still be the director of The Brown Bunny."
 
2012-06-30 10:28:32 AM

ryant123


I think I've been staring at student papers for too long today. I don't really understand this one at all:

"He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom." Britt Eklund on ex Rod Stewart

Can someone indulge me and explain what the hell that's supposed to mean?


In UK, "mean" = "stingy". She was saying Rod Stewart was so stingy that it pained him to give away even his waste.
 
2012-06-30 10:36:48 AM
"Do you need anything else?"

"Yes. Try to walk without dragging your knuckles on the floor." Special Agent Albert Rosenfield, Twin Peaks
 
2012-06-30 10:38:19 AM

ryant123: I think I've been staring at student papers for too long today. I don't really understand this one at all:

"He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom." Britt Eklund on ex Rod Stewart

Can someone indulge me and explain what the hell that's supposed to mean?


"Mean" means "cheap". Read it as "tight".
 
2012-06-30 10:41:03 AM
One of my all-time faves is Truman Capote on Jack Kerouac:
"That's not writing, it's typing."
 
2012-06-30 11:17:40 AM

Apos: ryant123: I think I've been staring at student papers for too long today. I don't really understand this one at all:

"He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom." Britt Eklund on ex Rod Stewart

Can someone indulge me and explain what the hell that's supposed to mean?

Very poor attempt at toilet humor would be my guess.


Subsitute the word 'cheap' for 'mean'.
 
2012-06-30 11:31:58 AM

Coco LaFemme: "Does the Honourable Lady remember that she was an egg herself once: and very many members of all sides of this House regret that it was ever fertilised?" Sir Nicholas Fairbairn attacking junior Health Minister Edwina Currie over the salmonella crisis

I choked on my Starbucks reading that. Holy shiat.


"You can put lipstick on a pig...it's still a pig." President Obama after Sara Palin's joke that the only difference between a soccer mom and a pitbull was lipstick

Heh, little did we know about the President's power of epic trolling at the time; but this as a taste.
 
2012-06-30 11:34:10 AM

Bhruic: FTA "Charlotte Church is a nasty little piece of work with a fat head. I don't know who she and her scabby boyfriend think they are. He's a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And she's not even gorgeous." Cheryl Cole

I'm trying to figure out how that is the slightest bit witty, and failing.


That was actually butthurt more than a burn.
 
2012-06-30 11:35:47 AM

Ivo Shandor: Aunt Esther: Who you calling ugly, sucker?
Fred Sanford: I'm calling you ugly, I could push your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.


Redd Foxx FTMFW!
 
2012-06-30 11:41:46 AM
Wasn't there a much better dig at Elizabeth Taylor's weight gain? Something like

"All our lives we've wanted to look like Elizabeth Taylor, and now we do."
 
2012-06-30 11:57:06 AM
Groucho on why he didn't go to the premiere of the movie Samson and Delilah with Victor Mature and Hedy Lemarr:

"I never go to movies where the leading man has bigger tits than the leading lady"

proof:
i115.photobucket.com
 
2012-06-30 12:20:18 PM
They missed Anthony Newley's gem of a slam against his ex-wife, Joan Collins: "To the unwashed public, Joan Collins is a star. But to those who know her, she's a commodity who would sell her own bowel movement."

Burn!
 
2012-06-30 12:29:18 PM
List fails without Noel Coward.
 
2012-06-30 12:42:21 PM

StopLurkListen: Witticisms are appreciated, but some in TFA are kinda weak.

I agree with the aforementioned Mae West and Groucho Marx, and would add some by Mark Twain, Ambrose Bierce and Oscar Wilde. They could reduce any man to ashes with a sentence.



Agreed. List is fail without Mark Twain.
 
2012-06-30 12:43:04 PM

MFAWG: Apos: ryant123: I think I've been staring at student papers for too long today. I don't really understand this one at all:

"He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom." Britt Eklund on ex Rod Stewart

Can someone indulge me and explain what the hell that's supposed to mean?

Very poor attempt at toilet humor would be my guess.

Subsitute the word 'cheap' for 'mean'.


Ahhh....That *does* it make a bit funnier.
 
2012-06-30 01:35:01 PM
Subby needs to look up the word witty. Cheap nasty insults aren't funny.
 
2012-06-30 01:54:24 PM

Ghastly: Wow, a lot of those were pretty freaking lame.


Ah, your mother wears Army boots!
 
2012-06-30 01:55:49 PM
I was hoping I'd never see this stupid list again when i first saw it in 1991.

/f*cking email chain letters
 
2012-06-30 03:39:10 PM
Winston Churchill was the man.
 
2012-06-30 03:57:39 PM

jjorsett: Ghastly: Wow, a lot of those were pretty freaking lame.

Ah, your mother wears Army boots!


You've seen Mama? How does she look?
 
2012-07-01 12:51:24 AM

Skywolf Philosopher: Winston Churchill would have made an awesome Farker.


Yeah, too bad. He could have totally done something important with his life
 
2012-07-01 01:41:32 AM
Maybe you were conceived with a weak sperm. Maybe your dad was jacking off and your mom sat on it at the last second. - Bill Hicks
 
2012-07-01 04:11:36 AM
Lame. Wilde, Parker, WC Fields, Pryor, Kinison, Carlin,,, even Denis Leary could do better.


and of course Churchill's; I may be drunk, miss, but tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be ugly
 
2012-07-01 10:03:31 AM

jjorsett: Ghastly: Wow, a lot of those were pretty freaking lame.

Ah, your mother wears Army boots!


My mother drove 18 and 22 wheelers in the Army, and she's currently a prison guard. So yeah, she wears army boots, and her 5' 2", 50 year old self can kick your ass up one wall and down the other.
 
2012-07-01 12:23:03 PM

dereksmalls: Lame. Wilde, Parker, WC Fields, Pryor, Kinison, Carlin,,, even Denis Leary could do better.


When Nora Ephron's death was announced, Denis Leary tweeted:
@denisleary Nora Ephron died. Christopher Hitchens is about to find out just how farking funny women really are.
 
2012-07-01 10:17:15 PM
"She can't even chew gum and walk in a straight line at the same time, let alone write a book." Liam Gallagher on Victoria Beckham's autobiography.

So what counts as British wit is actually a recycled LBJ quote.

"Gerry Ford is so dumb, he can't fart and chew gum at the same time."
 
2012-07-02 04:35:13 PM

Jim_Callahan: thecpt: * "You can put lipstick on a pig...it's still a pig." President Obama after Sara Palin's joke that the only difference between a soccer mom and a pitbull was lipstick...

I don't get this one, unless it really isn't clever at all because there doesn't seem to be anything there

The thing about pit-bulls was another stupid Palin non-sequitir without any real meaning. "Putting lipstick on a pig" is a common colloquial American phrase that means dressing or talking up someone worthless to try to trick people into thinking they're actually worthy. The implication being that the charade is unconvincing because the basic unworthiness of their character shines through any amount of window dressing.

Basically he took her stupid fake-saying that's not actually a saying anywhere and turned it into an actual common American saying that states that Palin is a worthless sham of a candidate. Clever bit of simple wordplay, not anything deep but pretty much on par with Churchill's stuff. Double points because it also showed that Obama was actually in touch with the "country" conservative types that Palin was pretending to represent.

That help? I know it's not funny now that I've explained it, but at least you know.


Except he wasn't talking about Palin at all...he was talking about McCain trying to separate himself from Bush's policies without actually changing them. It was Republican's did the faux (Fox?) outrage thing.
 
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