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(The Onion)   Yes, this is a repeat. Yes, it's old. But if there was ever a day to revisit The Onion's legendary "Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be", it is today   (theonion.com) divider line 63
    More: Satire, U.S. Constitution, totalitarian state, Kyle Mortensen  
•       •       •

12894 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Jun 2012 at 5:12 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-06-28 01:17:22 PM
This is my single favorite Onion article of all time.
 
2012-06-28 01:37:49 PM
It's funny cause it's true...
 
2012-06-28 04:17:35 PM
Actually, my favorite Onion article of the day is "Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules." (pops)

Also, this image bounced all over Facebook today:

sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net
 
2012-06-28 04:38:07 PM
When the line between satire and legitimate is that blurry, it makes my head hurt.
 
2012-06-28 05:09:37 PM
We have our own right here on Fark.

http://www.fark.com/comments/6715557/Totally-unconstitutional-Obamac ar e-law-that-will-never-withstand-legal-challenges-violates-every-consti tutional-principle-ever-once-again-judged-constitutional

a.images.blip.tv
I crow:
The people who say that this is "unconstitutional" don't understand what the Constitution is, what it says or what it doesn't do.
 
2012-06-28 05:16:02 PM
 
2012-06-28 05:20:33 PM

WhoIsWillo: This is my single favorite Onion article of all time.


Love the premise of it, but I wish the authors had respected their audience a little more. That is, they feel the need to point out, at every turn, that the Constitution does not actually say these things and that Mr. Mortensen is ill-informed. For example, if I had written it, I would have just let the statement "Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God'" stand on its own, without pointing out that the Constitution does not actually say that. You shouldn't have to explain your own joke.
 
2012-06-28 05:22:20 PM
I think I'm going to avoid speaking to my parents for a week or two.
 
2012-06-28 05:23:48 PM
Certainly a classic, but it is no Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?
 
2012-06-28 05:26:08 PM

MisterLoki: Certainly a classic, but it is no Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?


This is great. As is the gentleman's take on sexual relations.
 
2012-06-28 05:28:11 PM

MisterLoki: Certainly a classic, but it is no Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?


They are both classics and oddly could be about the same guy.
 
2012-06-28 05:31:03 PM

MisterLoki: Certainly a classic, but it is no Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?


Also great, but still no Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell.
 
2012-06-28 05:31:59 PM
I chuckled at the sidebar article "I don't want health care if just anyone can have it"
 
2012-06-28 05:34:30 PM

Super Chronic: WhoIsWillo: This is my single favorite Onion article of all time.

Love the premise of it, but I wish the authors had respected their audience a little more. That is, they feel the need to point out, at every turn, that the Constitution does not actually say these things and that Mr. Mortensen is ill-informed. For example, if I had written it, I would have just let the statement "Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God'" stand on its own, without pointing out that the Constitution does not actually say that. You shouldn't have to explain your own joke.



I disagree. I know these days this concept is unusual, but what they were trying to do was something that used to be called "fact checking". It used to be when blowhards would make outrageous statements and claims their feet would be held to the fire. Hasn't happened in years to my recollection.
 
2012-06-28 05:36:27 PM
So the Area Man is John Roberts?
 
2012-06-28 05:39:44 PM

Gig103: When the line between satire and legitimate is that blurry, it makes my head hurt.


There's a thread just down the page with nearly 3000 comments where people are arguing about what they imagine SCOTUS said about what they imaging the law in question says.
 
2012-06-28 05:41:17 PM

kiteless: Super Chronic: WhoIsWillo: This is my single favorite Onion article of all time.

Love the premise of it, but I wish the authors had respected their audience a little more. That is, they feel the need to point out, at every turn, that the Constitution does not actually say these things and that Mr. Mortensen is ill-informed. For example, if I had written it, I would have just let the statement "Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God'" stand on its own, without pointing out that the Constitution does not actually say that. You shouldn't have to explain your own joke.


I disagree. I know these days this concept is unusual, but what they were trying to do was something that used to be called "fact checking". It used to be when blowhards would make outrageous statements and claims their feet would be held to the fire. Hasn't happened in years to my recollection.


So what you're saying is, you wouldn't have realized that the article was satire if they hadn't put in repeated corrections, even though it's published in the Onion. You would have just thought that "God" was sprinkled all over the Constitution because the man in the article said so. Well, maybe that just means you're the target audience and I'm not.
 
2012-06-28 05:41:21 PM

kiteless: I disagree. I know these days this concept is unusual, but what they were trying to do was something that used to be called "fact checking". It used to be when blowhards would make outrageous statements and claims their feet would be held to the fire. Hasn't happened in years to my recollection.


^ THIS.

Real newspapers should be printing shiat like this. While the premise is funny, the fact that this is a joke is, in and of itself, depressing.
 
2012-06-28 05:44:48 PM
I live in Escondido, CA and I anticipate getting a kick from your replies. Please do nothing to disappoint me.

* Now accepting your pity.
 
2012-06-28 05:44:49 PM

Super Chronic: WhoIsWillo: This is my single favorite Onion article of all time.

Love the premise of it, but I wish the authors had respected their audience a little more. That is, they feel the need to point out, at every turn, that the Constitution does not actually say these things and that Mr. Mortensen is ill-informed. For example, if I had written it, I would have just let the statement "Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God'" stand on its own, without pointing out that the Constitution does not actually say that. You shouldn't have to explain your own joke.


That's the annoying part about it - you're not supposed to be informed about it - you're supposed to already know about it!

It's like me accusing christians for not following the book of the first buddha, since he's like the literal prince of peace and christians are always saying that they're trying to be like the prince of peace.
 
2012-06-28 05:51:26 PM

Super Chronic: You shouldn't have to explain your own joke.


Sadly, most people wouldn't get the joke otherwise.
 
2012-06-28 05:53:20 PM

urban.derelict: Rand Paul claims high court declaring obamacare constitutional 'does not make it so' -->


The Onion version of that should be, "Rand Paul admits High School transcript faked; he really failed Civics".
 
2012-06-28 05:53:46 PM
I still like "HOLY shiat! MAN WALKS ON farkING MOON!"

TFA is just too damn close to reality these days for me to laugh much.
 
2012-06-28 05:59:25 PM

Wogus: I live in Escondido, CA and I anticipate getting a kick from your replies. Please do nothing to disappoint me.

* Now accepting your pity.


You live in Esco? I pity you.
 
2012-06-28 06:03:45 PM
People are posting some truly fine articles from The Onion. I hope nobody is forgetting this gem:

Link
 
2012-06-28 06:10:16 PM
One of my conservative Facebook friends has been eerily quiet today. Either he's too upset to post or he and his family are already heading to Canada.
 
2012-06-28 06:13:35 PM

skinink: One of my conservative Facebook friends has been eerily quiet today. Either he's too upset to post or he and his family are already heading to Canada.


He's not going to get in. The Canadian Boat Patrols are out on the Great Lakes, and they've mobilized their Bear Cavalry Units out west.
 
2012-06-28 06:21:54 PM

WhoIsWillo: This is my single favorite Onion article of all time.


From a personal perspective, when I was in college I was required to take an African American studies class. It was right after 9/11, so the subject came up about that statue they were going to make (don't know if that ever happened) of the firefighers doing the Iwo Jima pose except with the races changed. I submitted the Onion's Black Guy Photoshopped In article to point out how retarded that was, but missed the next class. Apparently the teacher missed the point and had a lengthy discussion about it as if it were real. I'm not sure how many people in the class were just too stunned or entertained and how many were just stupid, but nobody ever said anything. I decided not to either because at that point the hilarity of explaining it to her would have probably had a negative impact on my GPA.

That will always be my favorite Onion article now.
 
2012-06-28 06:26:31 PM
OK, guess there's a filter of some kind. Sorry.
 
2012-06-28 06:27:29 PM
Loved that article when I first read it when it came out, still love it today.
 
2012-06-28 06:39:05 PM

retarded: MisterLoki: Certainly a classic, but it is no Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Also great, but still no Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell.


Yeah, the Boobies-9/11 issue was unreal. Their "Holy farking shiat" icon was a work of art.
 
2012-06-28 06:42:11 PM

foo monkey:
Yeah, the Boobies-9/11 issue was unreal. Their "Holy farking shiat" icon was a work of art.


I love the Fark filter soooooo much...
 
2012-06-28 06:45:32 PM
 
2012-06-28 06:47:12 PM
TFA is my favorite "srs" Onion article.

Favorite "silly" article: Link
 
2012-06-28 06:47:59 PM

Fabric_Man: foo monkey:
Yeah, the Boobies-9/11 issue was unreal. Their "Holy farking shiat" icon was a work of art.

I love the Fark filter soooooo much...


Damn it. I knew the farking shiat would kick in, but missed the Boobies.
 
2012-06-28 06:56:08 PM

natazha: Super Chronic: You shouldn't have to explain your own joke.

Sadly, most people wouldn't get the joke otherwise.


A lot of people don't understand that The Onion is satire at all. Remember the very real outrage over the $1B abortion-factory satirical article that was published only last year (I think, it could've been in 2010). So it probably is a good thing that The Onion explains their jokes from time to time.
 
2012-06-28 07:14:45 PM
Glad to see the "Cock Sucking Homosexuals" one is here.

Here are two of my other favorites:

Link and Link.
 
2012-06-28 07:20:15 PM

skinink: One of my conservative Facebook friends has been eerily quiet today. Either he's too upset to post or he and his family are already heading to Canada.


Oh GOD DAMMIT. I was going to do this search, but somebody beat me to it..

Link
 
2012-06-28 07:29:53 PM

MisterLoki: Certainly a classic, but it is no Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?




Lets not forget this one.....

Or this one.....
 
2012-06-28 07:32:20 PM
images2.wikia.nocookie.net

BEST. ARTICLE.PERIOD

/not an article
 
2012-06-28 08:06:32 PM

WhoIsWillo: This is my single favorite Onion article of all time.


But best headline: "T-ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game at Special Olympics"
 
2012-06-28 08:08:01 PM
This one is my favorite, but its scary how accurate it turned out to be.

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
 
2012-06-28 08:10:03 PM
This isn't really satire, there are lots of these everywhere.

/I should know
//I am one
 
2012-06-28 08:27:35 PM
Some great articles linked, most of which I had forgotten. Chocoholic for booze always gets me. As does I Can't Stand My Filthy Hippie Owner by Thunder the Ferret.
 
2012-06-28 08:45:55 PM
Oh so he's a liberal?

You were wrong about the Commerce clause.
 
2012-06-28 08:48:07 PM
Very good Onion headlines, but not to be overlooked:

School Bully Not So Tough Since Being Molested

Eyewitness account: 'Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy'


Link
 
2012-06-28 08:52:01 PM
Since we're all sharing... my personal favorite.

Christian Right Lobbies To Overturn Second Law Of Thermodynamics

i47.tinypic.com
 
2012-06-28 08:59:37 PM
In other news, at least 4 of the country's top 9 constitutional scholars made a huge mistake in their constitutional analysis today, so I'll be cutting the armchair legal experts a little slack.
 
2012-06-28 09:16:39 PM

NewWorldDan: In other news, at least 4 of the country's top 9 constitutional scholars made a huge mistake in their constitutional analysis today, so I'll be cutting the armchair legal experts a little slack.


I think calling Scalia and Thomas "top Constitutional scholars" is a bit of a stretch, but yeah, the vote should not have been that close.
 
2012-06-28 09:22:23 PM

BMFPitt: WhoIsWillo: This is my single favorite Onion article of all time.

From a personal perspective, when I was in college I was required to take an African American studies class. It was right after 9/11, so the subject came up about that statue they were going to make (don't know if that ever happened) of the firefighers doing the Iwo Jima pose except with the races changed. I submitted the Onion's Black Guy Photoshopped In article to point out how retarded that was, but missed the next class. Apparently the teacher missed the point and had a lengthy discussion about it as if it were real. I'm not sure how many people in the class were just too stunned or entertained and how many were just stupid, but nobody ever said anything. I decided not to either because at that point the hilarity of explaining it to her would have probably had a negative impact on my GPA.

That will always be my favorite Onion article now.


It's even better because after that article, it actually happened at Wisconsin:

www.chilloutpoint.com
 
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