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(Huffington Post)   He rips a fart, you pull a gun. That's the New Jersey way   (huffingtonpost.com) divider line 34
    More: Dumbass, New Jersey, WNBC, self control, farts  
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7638 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Jun 2012 at 1:04 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2012-06-27 02:03:45 PM
11 votes:

buckler: I once let one loose on a NYC subway that was so foul, so hideous and vile that it may as well have come from the depths of Satan's anus. It made a woman gag, and it took all my strength of will not to. If anyone deserved to have been shot that night, it was me. My experiments in replicating it have thus far been unsuccessful.


I have posted this true personal story of heinous flatulence before, but Farkers always get a kick out of it, so I'll do it again...

Years ago, I was in this hotel, and I'm riding the elevator down. I'm alone and around the tenth floor I let one rip. Only, it was a lot bigger than I thought it would be, and the gas flow just won't stop. I'm watching the floors count down 9...8...7...6 and all the while my ass is going FLIBBERAPPAPPAPPAPPAPPOOOOOOOOOOOOT. I'm worried the doors are going to open and I'll still be ripping it. It's a real Jack Bauer "running out of time" nail biter (and pants ripper). Finally around floor 2 it ends. It was one of those really hot ones, so I've been holding my breath all the while.

When the doors open, I get out, and by some miracle no one is waiting. I got away with it! Nobody will know it's me who's just poot-polluted the elevator. But just then a mom and her kid come running around the corner like they're late for something and hop in the elevator, breathing hard. I stop just to see what happens. As the doors close I hear mom go, "Oh my GOD!!!" And then, as the elevator lifts off, the kid starts screaming--you know, one of those real high-pitched, echolocation kind of screams that only kids under the age of 5 can do. Judging by the floor indicator, they were going all the way up to the 20th floor, and I just hear this long, drawn out scream slooooowly fading away as the elevator goes up. AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....

It remains to this day the single most impressive fart I have ever inflicted upon the world.
2012-06-27 01:26:36 PM
10 votes:
I farted on the elevator this morning and accidentally let loose a log. Luckily it was one of those two-footers and I was able to clench and get a hold of it before it got away from me. I never tried it before, but considering I had a one and a half foot tail in my shorts, I figured anything was worth a shot. So, I breathed in really deep, a reverse fart, and managed to suck the entire turd back inside my body. It's been several hours though and it hasn't tried to come out again so I'm afraid.
2012-06-27 11:20:33 AM
5 votes:
It's New Jersey. How could the guy smell the difference?
2012-06-27 01:08:07 PM
3 votes:
In New Jersey, a fart is refreshing.
2012-06-27 12:06:21 PM
3 votes:
Is one of those "Stained your ground" incidents?
2012-06-27 11:01:17 AM
3 votes:
YOU. SHALL NOT. PASS!
2012-06-27 10:46:39 AM
3 votes:
i.imgur.com
2012-06-27 02:06:25 PM
2 votes:
Departing at dock zero.

i298.photobucket.com
2012-06-27 01:53:58 PM
2 votes:
Kiss her where it smells, take her to New Jersey!
2012-06-27 01:42:32 PM
2 votes:
it makes more sense to pull out a lighter than a gun.
2012-06-27 01:29:34 PM
2 votes:

uncleacid: Your neighbor sent you a smellogram.


quixotando.files.wordpress.com

"I heard that you were feeling ill. Headache, fever, and a chill. I came to help uplift your heart, cause I'm the nurse who likes to... "
2012-06-27 01:12:25 PM
2 votes:
I'm in New Jersey and I just ripped a fart, so I'm getting a kick outta th...er, wait...do farts have lumps?

Uhoh!
2012-06-27 09:54:26 AM
2 votes:
"Can we have some more beans Mr. Taggart?"
2012-06-27 09:57:42 PM
1 votes:
img.timeinc.net

Your own farts always smell OK.
2012-06-27 04:26:09 PM
1 votes:

bim1154: My wife and I were in this one little antique shop some years back. The only employee was this little old lady who was very well dressed, classy I might say. Couldn't have been more than 5 feet high. Other than my wife and I, she was the only other person in the store. As my wife and I were walking around, we heard this little fluttering butt flapper which was then followed by a noise similar to air being let out of a tire. We both knew what it was and both knew it wasn't either of us. Then we hear that little old lady pull a famed George Takei line, "Oh My.... pardon me."
It was all my wife and I could do to keep from busting out laughing. We stayed on the other side of the store for a few minutes and then left.


In high school, my friend and I were at a CVS, waiting in line. I crouch to grab one of the candy bars by check-out, and the old woman in front of me lets out a gale-force cabbage fart DIRECTLY into my face.

My buddy could not stop laughing (he may still be). Fark you, old woman. At least warn a brother...jeez.

// can't wait to return the favor to some young punk when I'm 70
2012-06-27 03:15:44 PM
1 votes:
Approves:
3.bp.blogspot.com
2012-06-27 03:07:02 PM
1 votes:
(CSB)

Years ago I was in military school on base. One of the punishments they handed out was having to spend Saturday morning in the "wheel shack" - this was a leftover from the days of student pilots in WWII, when an enlisted man was detailed to sit in the shack and look at each airplane as it came in to make sure the landing gear was down. If not, they radioed the control tower. By our time (early 60s) it was redundant, but if you did something annoying to the instructors, you got sent to man the wheel shack on a Saturday morning. It was about the size of a phone booth, made of wood, and was either hot as hell or freezing cold. And boring. And you couldn't fark off or sleep, because you had to radio the tower every time a plane landed.

My pal Robbie and I got sent to the shack one Saturday for holding a belching contest at lunch one day. The morning of our punishment, we went to the mess hall for breakfast and were served "bean bowls" - take a piece of bologna and fry it so it curls up to make a bowl. Fill that with beans. Serve with black coffee.

That's a meal that produces farts you simply cannot believe. We knew it would be an interesting morning in the shack. I got in the first blow, sneaking an SBD that made Robbie's eyes water. But he was too proud to let on that it bothered him. About five minutes, he blasted out a trumpet call (in the key of A, I think) that they probably heard in the control tower. Louis Armstrong could only wish. While mellow in tone and supreme in volume, it lacked the weapons-grade quality of my emissions.

This went on for about an hour, him easily besting my offerings in quantity, me beating him in quality. It ended when he gave me a hard push after a particularly noxious blast, sending me out the door and onto the grass - something the OOD in the tower happened to witness. Sure enough, he appeared in a jeep a few minutes later, rounded us up, and took us back to mainside to spend the rest of the morning picking up trash along the road.

(/CSB)
2012-06-27 02:30:20 PM
1 votes:

Fissile: Smoky Dragon Dish: Teaneck, NJ, huh?

That's Fairly Ridiculous.

/Obscure?

=============

Part of the campus is in Hackensack.


Huh. Who needs a campus out in Hackensack? Is that all you get for your money?
2012-06-27 01:50:32 PM
1 votes:
I once let one loose on a NYC subway that was so foul, so hideous and vile that it may as well have come from the depths of Satan's anus. It made a woman gag, and it took all my strength of will not to. If anyone deserved to have been shot that night, it was me. My experiments in replicating it have thus far been unsuccessful.
2012-06-27 01:50:26 PM
1 votes:
He's black so I'm kind of disappointed no one has tried the hate crime angle.
2012-06-27 01:42:07 PM
1 votes:

Smoky Dragon Dish: Drunk driving is taken very seriously here in the Garden State.


So is farting, apparently.
2012-06-27 01:39:56 PM
1 votes:
"Daniel Collins Accused Of Threatening Farting New Jersey Neighbor With A Gun"

They forgot the comma in Farting, New Jersey.
2012-06-27 01:34:17 PM
1 votes:
Teaneck, NJ, huh?

That's Fairly Ridiculous.

/Obscure?
2012-06-27 01:32:19 PM
1 votes:

spentmiles: I farted on the elevator this morning and accidentally let loose a log. Luckily it was one of those two-footers and I was able to clench and get a hold of it before it got away from me. I never tried it before, but considering I had a one and a half foot tail in my shorts, I figured anything was worth a shot. So, I breathed in really deep, a reverse fart, and managed to suck the entire turd back inside my body. It's been several hours though and it hasn't tried to come out again so I'm afraid.


i129.photobucket.com
2012-06-27 01:31:36 PM
1 votes:
cdn.okcimg.com
Approves
2012-06-27 01:24:37 PM
1 votes:
It's the fart game, you'll play one day, son
2012-06-27 01:23:55 PM
1 votes:
I just pity the poor man that has a nose so sensitive that he can tell the difference between a really foul fart and New Jersey.
2012-06-27 01:23:43 PM
1 votes:
Your neighbor sent you a smellogram.
2012-06-27 01:18:01 PM
1 votes:
I think the best part of that article is that it's apparently been given the tag "farting disputes."
2012-06-27 01:13:56 PM
1 votes:
Don't this make your brown eye blue?
2012-06-27 01:12:30 PM
1 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: YOU. SHALL NOT. PASS!


blog.couponnetwork.com

/still laughing
2012-06-27 01:11:19 PM
1 votes:
Collins got really gassed when the man passed gas near Collins' apartment door

He probably pulled that trick where you shove your ass against the door and rip it for all you're worth, using the door as a sounding board to amplify the anal announcement. Not that I'd know anything about this.
2012-06-27 01:06:43 PM
1 votes:
Doesn't he know that firing a gun around explosive gases is a bad idea all the way around?
vpb [TotalFark]
2012-06-27 12:35:27 PM
1 votes:
Maybe he had a silent but deadly weapon?
 
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