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4084 clicks; posted to Business » on 26 Jun 2012 at 9:11 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-06-26 09:19:27 AM
I got two paragraphs into that article and started choking on the bullshiat.

The only charity i give a shiat about my company donating to is the Dick Gozinya permanent vacation fund.
 
2012-06-26 09:24:03 AM
Because "raising the salary of your best workers" is either incomprehensible or anathema to vast majority of CEOs and CFOs.
 
2012-06-26 09:29:06 AM
A pink slip ?
 
2012-06-26 09:32:56 AM

Crooked Ref: Because "raising the salary of your best workers" is either incomprehensible or anathema to vast majority of CEOs and CFOs.


It is, but like any other crazy human they want affirmation of their crazy world of denial. Articles like these are a cheap way to secure readers.

Journalism these days isn't about shaking the foundations of society. Rather, if someone wants to believe the sky is pink, it's about giving them a nice cozy padded cell with a pink ceiling so they can go right on believing.
 
2012-06-26 09:43:05 AM
Every week there is another "What REALLY motivates employees" or "What employees REALLY want.".

The answer is always "not money" and it's not surprising that these articles get passed around. Companies love them. They give them a reason to be cheap. And the articles defy reason so they are interesting.

Of course, the truth is most people want money. But that story is boring.
 
2012-06-26 09:44:52 AM
tommyxiao.files.wordpress.com
 
2012-06-26 09:45:42 AM
I swear, somewhere along the line in HR school or training or indoctrination, they must be physically removing the areas of the brain that involve critical thinking and replacing it with the latest buzzwords and feel-good BS. Do they really believe this stuff?
 
2012-06-26 09:45:58 AM
Dear Employers,

I have worked in the IT field for over twenty years. I have a comfortable life, I have a solid savings, and I have a fat retirement account. I do not need more money. More money is not my primary motivator at this point in my life. My primary motivator is that I enjoy my job and that I feel like I'm doing quality work that contributes to the organization.

However, more money is second place on the list of motivators. Do you know where bullshiat like "donor matching programs" is? The bottom. In a pile. With all the other complete and utter bullshiat you MBA-addled morons have come up with over the years in lieu of simply offering a comfortable, respectful work environment and good compensation for that work.

In conclusion, Forbes, what you've just wrote ... is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent article were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this thread is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
 
2012-06-26 10:10:44 AM

buzzcut73: I swear, somewhere along the line in HR school or training or indoctrination, they must be physically removing the areas of the brain that involve critical thinking and replacing it with the latest buzzwords and feel-good BS.


More like you go into HR if you don't have critical thinking skills to begin with. I think it's a requirement.

SpectroBoy: the truth is most people want money.


People want stability, then purpose. If some hypothetical company offered a small salary but also provided housing, education, food, healthcare and transportation. . . such a company would actually have no problems finding workers. In fact, that's the Japanese model; even relatively small companies have free lunches or subsidized transportation. It make sense; they can get that shiat cheaper than you and when they pay for it what you get in cash goes farther. But America is all about bootstrappiness, so if you're gonna pay your bills you need money. Most Americans don't want money per se; they want to not worry about it. Which is a wee bit tough when the median income has been declining for, what, over a decade running?

But the other half of this problem is that we're flocking to the wrong leaders and rewarding all the wrong skills. It's so common now that "it takes an asshole" is engrained in our culture.
 
2012-06-26 10:19:58 AM
Dear everybody on Fark - please include a disclaimer (like NSFW) when linking to something with auto-starting video (even in a pre-page-load advertisement). As amusing as the article may be, those aren't safe for work for some of us who are trying really hard to pretend like we're working at work.

I'd mute my computer volume, but that little Pavlovian "ding" Outlook gives me is the only reason I ever do anything productive at all.
 
2012-06-26 10:23:51 AM
Human resources professionals increasingly recognize that amongst the most important components of any employee retention strategy are diverse corporate volunteer programs that reflect the values of employees

Jesus Christ you could cut the bullshiat in just that one sentence into enough turds to last nearly a lifetime.
 
2012-06-26 10:25:43 AM
So the company tries "implementing an internal employee giving and corporate volunteer platform with a variety of non-profit choices allows workers to conveniently support the causes that are near and dear to their heart" as opposed to giving me more money so I can give more to a cause that is near and dear to my heart.

Who chooses which causes are supported. Will the guy who wants to support American Cancer Society get the same opportunity as the guy who wants to support NAMBLA? Or more a more likely scenario, what about the person who wants to support Planned Parenthood? Will they be told that United Way supports a number of organizations dedicated to woman's health and should consider United Way instead?
 
2012-06-26 10:50:02 AM
It's not that complicated: Money, Time, or Praise. Want morale to improve, give your employees more money. If you can't give them more money, give them a little extra time off (e.g., let them cut out early some times, or take long lunches, etc. Don't be a hardass with the punch clock). If you can't do that, at least pop your head into the cubicle to tell them that they're kicking ass and taking names, and thank them for being there.

/I don't have any employees
//I do have an awesome boss
 
2012-06-26 11:14:11 AM
Human resources professionals increasingly recognize that amongst the most important components of any employee retention strategy are diverse corporate volunteer programs that reflect the values of employees.

Well, I've identified the problem. Human resources professionals are what psych majors become when they can't get their dream job of becoming an unqualified therapist. They are among the stupidest people on earth. Workers want purpose AND money, and fark it all if in my 30 year professional career anyone has every said "you know, I'm staying in this shiatty job because my company matches my donations to X."

Muta: Or more a more likely scenario, what about the person who wants to support Planned Parenthood?


My company actually donates to Planned Parenthood on the years it gets voted into whatever convoluted charity scheme they have cooked up, but it always gets countered with a donation to some adoptive charity or foster care plan or something like that. You'd think that would make everybody happy, but instead everyone, PP supporters and anti-PP people alike, get their bonnets in a snit and there's unrelenting biatching for a few days. Then we all forget about the outside world and everyone is happy for a while.

We used to only do United Way, but at some point someone looked at this list and decided to attention-whore themselves until the company agreed to donate to their one special charity because they're that important.

Also, I'm currently staying in a job that doesn't pay as well as it should, but I get to WFH full time, and that is doing wonders for my retention. I still have to stop by the office for meetings, but I'm stationed out of my house. Quite frankly, I think every company should be doing this with every employee they possibly can - my health is better, their costs are lower because they aren't paying for real estate for me to sit in, and I'm no longer driving 400 miles a week. It's win-win-win all around.
 
2012-06-26 11:30:11 AM
i've appreciated it when i've worked in a company where coworkers collaboratively donate to the state lottery. nothing i would take or leave a job over, but it's a fun way to spend $5 a week.

ftfa: in 2010, 94% of companies offered at least one matching-gift program averaging $1.70 million in total matching funds.

citation needed? i don't think that most companies even make 1.7 million in a year. there are over 600,000 trucking companies in the US. there are probably more restaurant companies, most of which control less than 3 restaurants.

forbes, i expected better from you.
 
2012-06-26 11:52:40 AM
I would like my senority to actually mean something. At every job site I get sent to I get the most work dumped on me because I "am the most experienced and know the programs we use the best" and I get stuck with the worst hours because I dont have a family. I think the next site they send me to ill just plant pictures of my nieces and nephew on my desk and tell people they are mine.

More money would help too I want a new bathroom
 
2012-06-26 12:02:09 PM

dragonchild: buzzcut73: I swear, somewhere along the line in HR school or training or indoctrination, they must be physically removing the areas of the brain that involve critical thinking and replacing it with the latest buzzwords and feel-good BS.

More like you go into HR if you don't have critical thinking skills to begin with. I think it's a requirement.

SpectroBoy: the truth is most people want money.

People want stability, then purpose. If some hypothetical company offered a small salary but also provided housing, education, food, healthcare and transportation. . . such a company would actually have no problems finding workers. In fact, that's the Japanese model; even relatively small companies have free lunches or subsidized transportation. It make sense; they can get that shiat cheaper than you and when they pay for it what you get in cash goes farther. But America is all about bootstrappiness, so if you're gonna pay your bills you need money. Most Americans don't want money per se; they want to not worry about it. Which is a wee bit tough when the median income has been declining for, what, over a decade running?

But the other half of this problem is that we're flocking to the wrong leaders and rewarding all the wrong skills. It's so common now that "it takes an asshole" is engrained in our culture.


So much this. if as a base I knew I didn't have to worry about transport or healthcare, education for self and kids(someday!) I wouldn't worry so much about the actual amount of cash they gave me every week to spend on toys.
 
2012-06-26 12:49:02 PM
Forget what company it was, but basically they have a prize room like you have in kindergarten. Save up enough tickets get to go to the "room" (more likely was a we page/catalog) and spend it.

Want money? They had that. Want vacation time? They had that. VIP tickets to different charity events where you get recognized for your contribution? They had that. Tickets to the companies skybox for championship games? They had that.

I want a prize box
 
2012-06-26 12:58:16 PM

Aamelrons: I want a prize box


Sorry, all you get is a hot cocoa sampler box.
 
2012-06-26 01:14:17 PM

Muta: So the company tries "implementing an internal employee giving and corporate volunteer platform with a variety of non-profit choices allows workers to conveniently support the causes that are near and dear to their heart" as opposed to giving me more money so I can give more to a cause that is near and dear to my heart.

Who chooses which causes are supported. Will the guy who wants to support American Cancer Society get the same opportunity as the guy who wants to support NAMBLA? Or more a more likely scenario, what about the person who wants to support Planned Parenthood? Will they be told that United Way supports a number of organizations dedicated to woman's health and should consider United Way instead?


Note: I do not presume to know what your political affiliations are, however...

You are actually describing a strongly held Republican tenant: that taxes should be kept low and wasteful spending curbed. What you describe above is the exact same scenario that occurs when the government raises taxes because they believe THEY know how best to spend your money. You should ask yourself: Is the Government (or the company you describe above) better suited at allocating where my dollars go than I am? Or wouldn't it just be better if both allowed me to keep more of my money I earned and let me decide where to donate?

Anyway, didn't mean to turn this into something political. Your comment just caught my eye.
 
2012-06-26 01:19:50 PM

dragonchild: Aamelrons: I want a prize box

Sorry, all you get is a hot cocoa sampler box.


Win.

Also:

www.simplypsychology.org

The only employees that want non-money perks are the ones that have no issue with Physiological or Safety needs.

//When you hate your job, but can't quit to find another one because you have little savings and a family to feed and are so burnt out with frustration and boredom by the end of the day, you really don't give 2 farks about what charity the company is supporting this week.
 
2012-06-26 01:48:02 PM

roc6783: The only employees that want non-money perks are the ones that have no issue with Physiological or Safety needs.


True.

And in modern american things like food, shelter, warmth, retirement and even safety require MONEY.

My company had had not raises in 3 years. They love to do "moral boosting crap", but the underlying fears are;
* will I be able to retire
* can I send my kids to a good school
* will fixed costs like heating oil keep going up while my pay languishes

etc.

They can give out all the hats and tshirts they want. People are scared and money would help a LOT.
 
2012-06-26 03:10:33 PM
Oh hey, thanks for donating that money to a charity for me. If there is anything else I can do to help the company with its tax refunds just let me know.
 
2012-06-26 03:30:22 PM
Teve Torbes, did you write this article?
 
2012-06-26 04:30:43 PM
What makes employees happy, stick around, and stay engaged is a pretty simple set of ideas - The Employee Value Proposition. They are proportioned differently based on the employees goals and needs, but they're contained in the following:

Rewards (pay, bonus, recognition, vacation, retirement, etc)
People (useful coworkers, boss, and supporting cast who you like and match your ability)
Organization (happy with the org, your place in it, and what your company does)
Opportunity (ability to move up, or at least go where you want to go)
Work (the actual day to day work, and what's expected of you)

A lot of people want to jump to pay, but if the works sucks, the people are complete morons, you can't move up, and your company punches puppies and eats kittens to generate revenue, it doesn't matter if they pay you well, you're going to leave. In fact, it's well documented in the sales industry. High performers don't care about the money after a while, they just want their day to mean something.

In the US, the reward category is certainly larger than it's 20% share of the pie, but it's not as big as you might think.
 
2012-06-26 06:33:57 PM
This is like receiving a "we donated an animal to a third world country in your name" "gift" when you're at the height of poverty yourself.
 
2012-06-26 07:24:01 PM
I'd like a company to give me time off when I'm sick and time to take a vacation every once in a while. Is that too much for you cheap ass farks?
 
2012-06-26 08:15:31 PM
What I want is that laser printed 'certificate' saying what a good job I'm doing in that $1 plastic frame.

I live for that.


// Actually that company was 15 years ago. Used to get them and toss them right in the trash
/// Well , sometimes I kept the frame
 
2012-06-26 09:06:05 PM

roc6783: dragonchild: Aamelrons: I want a prize box

Sorry, all you get is a hot cocoa sampler box.

Win.

Also:

[www.simplypsychology.org image 640x425]

The only employees that want non-money perks are the ones that have no issue with Physiological or Safety needs.

//When you hate your job, but can't quit to find another one because you have little savings and a family to feed and are so burnt out with frustration and boredom by the end of the day, you really don't give 2 farks about what charity the company is supporting this week.


So simple, yet so true. They should start teaching Maslow's hierarchy in business school. It's only been around for about 70 years.
 
2012-06-26 11:45:30 PM

Hey! Big, rich executives!

Yeah, you who run giant corporations with billions in revenue and laughably small taxes!

Stop what you're doing, now, and think about the following questions:


What am I doing here?

What is my purpose in life?

Will the world be a better place when I leave it?

Who have I helped today?



Through the magic of charitable gift matching, you too can exploit them and the gullible people who worry about them in order to decrease your taxes even further while building positive PR! You won't have to give even a single dime more to payroll! Join the best of the Fortune 500 companies by contacting Intertron Consultancy Services! Call now, and we'll show you how to co-opt goodwill associated with volunteer organizations for their work done off-premises and outside of working hours!
 
2012-06-27 12:59:31 AM

The Green Manalishi: roc6783: dragonchild: Aamelrons: I want a prize box

Sorry, all you get is a hot cocoa sampler box.

Win.

Also:

[www.simplypsychology.org image 640x425]

The only employees that want non-money perks are the ones that have no issue with Physiological or Safety needs.

//When you hate your job, but can't quit to find another one because you have little savings and a family to feed and are so burnt out with frustration and boredom by the end of the day, you really don't give 2 farks about what charity the company is supporting this week.

So simple, yet so true. They should start teaching Maslow's hierarchy in business school. It's only been around for about 70 years.


It would certainly make some huge differences, yes. A professor of mine (Principles of Business Management) encouraged us to share our "best boss I ever had" stories -- but refused to let us talk about the bad ones. Why? "I want you to forget about the bad ones and spend your energy on becoming the best boss your employees will ever have." Super class. Learned a lot from that lady.
 
2012-06-27 11:32:17 AM

The Green Manalishi: roc6783: dragonchild: Aamelrons: I want a prize box

Sorry, all you get is a hot cocoa sampler box.

Win.

Also:

[www.simplypsychology.org image 640x425]

The only employees that want non-money perks are the ones that have no issue with Physiological or Safety needs.

//When you hate your job, but can't quit to find another one because you have little savings and a family to feed and are so burnt out with frustration and boredom by the end of the day, you really don't give 2 farks about what charity the company is supporting this week.

So simple, yet so true. They should start teaching Maslow's hierarchy in business school. It's only been around for about 70 years.


They do. At least the one I went to, but it was a state school in WI and not in Madison, so no one cares.

Also, when money gets tight at a business the first areas to get cut are cost centers. HR is a huge cost center, and the 2 major functions it should fulfill, do not let the company get sued and keep employees happy, are easily back-burnered. When the company is losing money, the only important thing is how do we slow the bleeding and increase sales? Fastest way to slow the bleeding is to layoff a bunch of people. When sales come back, your net revenue looks really good with everyone doing the work of 2+ people just to stay employed so who cares if all of your employees are miserable? Not anyone looking at the numbers, especially in a down economy where leaving is a huge risk for the employee.
 
2012-06-27 11:40:15 AM

INTERTRON: Hey! Big, rich executives!

Yeah, you who run giant corporations with billions in revenue and laughably small taxes!

Stop what you're doing, now, and think about the following questions:


What am I doing here?

What is my purpose in life?

Will the world be a better place when I leave it?

Who have I helped today?



Through the magic of charitable gift matching, you too can exploit them and the gullible people who worry about them in order to decrease your taxes even further while building positive PR! You won't have to give even a single dime more to payroll! Join the best of the Fortune 500 companies by contacting Intertron Consultancy Services! Call now, and we'll show you how to co-opt goodwill associated with volunteer organizations for their work done off-premises and outside of working hours!


Ya, that is not a joke though. There are definitely consulting groups that get paid fat money to do that. You just need an in to convince an executive board to spend thousands of $$ for you to organize a charitable event.

//Saw a division of a company pay $1 mil. UP FRONT to bring in a search firm to fill positions that my company was already contracted to fill. The first 5 candidates they presented had already been recommended by our recruiters and rejected. Of course they hired them, why not? Word was that one of the executives had a cousin in the search firm. Totally makes sense to pay a million bucks to hire the same people that it would have cost them $10K to hire through us. Funniest part is that due to the contract, they had to pay the $10k anyway.
 
2012-06-27 07:46:52 PM
www.msgr.ca

But seriously, wanna give away money? Give it to me.
 
2012-06-28 08:50:30 AM

The Green Manalishi:
So simple, yet so true. They should start teaching Maslow's hierarchy in business school. It's only been around for about 70 years.


Yeah, they drive Maslow's heirarchy into the ground in business school. At least at OU.
 
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