NO! THATS NOT TRUE! THATS IMPOSSIBLE!!!

He's been dead for 6 years now, so "Gaahhhhhh! Don't eat my brains!"

Pro-tip for ladies: I know it's nice that you text Holiday greetings to everyone you know, but you might not want to do that on Father's Day unless it's to your Father or husband/ baby dad etc... That text is a hard thing to explain to my wife. "no she's just an employee, I swear! Look she even sent me a Flag Day text."

NOOOOOO! NOT MY BRAINS! NOOOOOOOOOOO....GURGLE.

Don't start the car, I rigged it to explode.

Thanks for dying with so much money!

Your dads are dead.

Thank you for inspiring me to surpass you in every way. Now that I've done it please die on peace and continue leaving me and my son alone. We're fine thanks to someone showing me what not to do.

My daddy always used to say to me "See you later, Alligator" before he left to go anywhere. When he died, I was 9 years old, and at the funeral, I said to him exactly what I would say today if I could: in a while, Crocodile.

"Why won't you die already?"

Smeggy Smurf These stories are getting depressing. What I want to know is what you'd hope to hear from your kids.

Here's all that stuff that we borrowed over the years.

/and a check to cover the cost of raising us

Some of the stories in here sound a lot like Sully and his son in Nobody's Fool.

Your grandfather...he was some piece of work. Fark him eternally. Well, I suppose you're gonna be saying the same thing about me when I'm gone.

You *were* gone dad. I already said it...

Why in the world did you marry my mother? Dear lord, she's a shrew.

I'm looking for a vinegar based barbecue sauce. Any recipes?

Thanks. You had a hell of a hard life but you still somehow managed to be a good dude.
And yes, it was me that kept drinking all your beer.

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: I want to wish that you'd stayed around, but based on everything I know about you I'm glad you didn't. I'd like to know more about what you went through in Vietnam. Thanks for the cool last name.

I gotta admit, "Jones and the Temple of Doom" really is a cool last name. Props to your dad for that.

"Why does the grill have flames leaping from under the hood?"

In about 5 hours

"Dad, you were probably right about those three things I was to stay away from."


(sorry I set fire to your couch. that should've been the fourth thing maybe?)

Quick thumbnail of the sort of guy my dad was.

He was already on dialysis three times a week from the damage diabetes did. Missing toes, the whole horror show. We were watching TV, and my cat was being his usual self, purring and jumping on us and being all sorts of adorable.

And manly man factory worker Dad said, "You know what? If I caught anyone being mean to this cat, I'd chase them down and beat their asses, even sick as I am."

What an ol' softie.

You'd be proud of my Movember efforts, because caring and laughing are the two most important things, and putting them together is awesome.

PS I don't really love inheriting your body shape.

Eat sh*t and die, asshole!

"You sure are stupid for a genius. Quit drinking. Mom hates being a widow."

Dad,

Its been nearly 23 years now since cancer took you from us, wish you could meet my darling wife and your 5 Grand-kids ( which I know you'd spoil at every opportunity.)

Thanks for teaching my that its OK to have pride in what you do, be it blue collar or white collar.

Thanks for showing me that mundane things can be marvelous when expressed in math.

Thanks for showing me how a bad marriage works!, Because mine works well by doing the exact opposite of many of your choices.

Thanks for cutting the cord on that damned TV and tossing a book at me when I needed it most.

Thanks for teaching me how to cook and admitting that I was better at it than you were!

Especially thanks for saying the night before you died that you loved me and that you had faith that I would do well.

I miss your wisdom. your humor, your incredible intellect, but most of all I miss you Dad. See you on the other side Pop!

Hey Dad,

Thanks for telling everyone in the family that you try to call me constantly but I never pick up. Please try to learn how Caller-ID works. Unfortunately, I am the only one that truly knows you are full of shiat.

I'll be grilling some steaks tonight, because I like steak and I am a good cat daddy. I won't be calling you, however. Also, tuna for ALL MY KIDS!

It's been twenty seven years and you still can't figure out how to spell my name!? See what sort of nursing home you get put in when you're older.

/he can't spell my brother's name either
//I've pretty much washed my hands of him
/the best part? He's not a drunk or even much of an asshole, he simply doesn't care

Shaddup: Some of you people are whiny pussies.



knows how to say it better.

I'm sorry that I am the only kid that still talks to you, but you might try apologizing for being an abusive ogre instead of biatching about it. That might make it better.

I would probably just scream at him a lot. If I was lucky, I would put a bullet in his head. If I was unlucky, he would kill me.



Either way, it would mean the start of the zombie apocalypse. Poor guy's been dead for seven years. Still miss ya, Dad.

Ya right.

He was farking some bimbo as I was being born. Glad my mother left him.

Now my Grandfather I miss. Survived both WWI and WWII and lived to 94. Great man, glad he lived to see his great-grandson.

/Sigh, no going back. Ever.
//damn it. it's dusty in here

"Thanks for the carton of smokes!"

/wait, that what i told him last christmas

the_chief: Please stop sucking my girlfriends' cocks.

Wait, Whut???

i forgive you but i damn wish i had a dad there for me growing up.

Please stop sucking my girlfriends' cocks.

13 and a half months ago, I called my dad to say hi. We hadn't spoken in at least 2 years, and not more then 4 times in the last decade. He was high and didn't know who I was. I told him I'd call back in the morning. I didn't call back.

13 months ago, a detective called me to identify his body. He had hung himself.

So, I guess all I can say is I really wished I had called him back.

phalamir: He's been dead for 6 years now, so "Gaahhhhhh! Don't eat my brains!"

That's Fark, be a little creative in hiding pain!

Can I borrow some money?

Don't know what I'd say. He beat me everyday as a kid (broke my nose on the way to church once when I was 8 and broke some ribs for not doing my math homework when I was 10) but that's how kids were raised back then. He also has spent his entire life savings bailing me out of jail and paying for lawyers for me since then. Everytime I screwed up he was there for me. And trust me, it was a weekly occurrence. He also adopted me when I was an infant.

The guys I work with hear my stories and can't believe I still talk to him (cause of the beatings), but I love and respect him and wouldn't want any other father. He spent 36 years teaching handicapped children. The only times I ever saw him cry was the day I left for basic training and when one of his students passed away. He's been a damn good father and has gone above and beyond what most parents would put up with in my 42 years (he bailed me out of jail AGAIN last year).

I think he knows that I love him. We don't say stuff like that to each other, but I'm pretty sure he knows it. Hell, when he had to drive me every month for 5 years to see my parole officer (1 hour round trip) we never spoke in the car, but one time some guy cut him off as he was driving his (at the time 34 year old son) and I jumped out and beat that guy with a hammer. Of course he had to pay my bail again.

Love ya Dad!

And I promise to make better decisions. And thanks for all the help/time with your grandaughter. You're a special man.

I know you've been retired for a year and because of it you've kinda let yourself go, but it's summer... wear some farking deodorant

it's a gay question and subby knows he is gay for asking
and is TROLLING ALL OF U

Pop caught me rubbin' one out when I was a shorty.He said 'I was gonna
go blind'....

/ I said Pops I'm over here

Hey you sorry bastid, come over here and I'll kick your farkin' ass, you lowlife sack O' crap. Better yet DIAF. Yeah, that's it, DIAF.

Thanks Dad for a lot of things, for your respect for women even if you divorce them, for your work ethics, for being a fantastic grandpa, for your sense of humor, for your MacGuyver like ways of solving problems...

But if you croak because of something cigarette related, I'm going to have a "Dogs Playing Poker" theme on your tombstone.

walrusonion: [images3.wikia.nocookie.net image 200x434]
Your dads are dead.

Hahahaha with all the sincerity and sentiment, I almost forgot I was on Fark for a minute. Thanks for the reminder!

Smeggy Smurf: What I want to know is what you'd hope to hear from your kids.

"Dad, I just won $600m in the lottery and you don't have to do a damn thing else in life other than go play golf every morning"

Our Dead Island co-op was incredible. Thanks for being a nerd like me.

I'll be telling him by phone I love him tomorrow. Probably after a long argument about politics (although we mostly agree on things- he's solidly liberal). I'm seeing him in two weeks when I travel from CA to NC. First time in a couple of years after some turmoil. He's almost 80 so I'm pretty stoked! We're gonna friggin go canoeing... canoeing biatches! Stoked...

Same thing I said to him on his deathbed in May last year

"You're a damn good man and a damn good father."

This bacon-wrapped smoked meatloaf is awesome.

/srsly, that's what he's making tomorrow. Thanks for setting a good example in the kitchen, Dad!

I am sorry that I am such a disappointment.

I honestly can't thank you enough for my inheritance.

You have diabetes. You have to stop drinking and smoking. And for the love of God, please don't leave me alone with mom.

/At least leave me one good memory of you (he died when I was seven)

Stop touching me and own up to it you sick farking bag of dicks.

/as you were
//I feel much better now

I don't know why my sister feels the need to bash you relentlessly. You aren't perfect but you do have a kid that loves you dearly.

Dad, you need to get out of the house so you don't have to chain smoke, and I am going to feed you. You are a twig, and need to be fed real food.