Why would a man that is invulnerable to bullets need to wear armor at all?

Having asked the obvious question, breastplates with "nipples" weren't exactly uncommon in ancient times.

SharkTrager: Some of you guys spend an awful lot of time focused on the groins and nipples of other men.

and we're done.

//thank the gods you said that
/// I am gay and don't get this... you'd think the entire population of the US was 7 years old...

This guy needs to turn in his nerd card.

It seems that the correct spelling is "Gangster Squad", not "Gangsta Squad" It appears that "Gangsta Squad" is how a 15 year old from the UK spelled it when uploading the trailer to youtube, and how it was mentioned on Democratic Underground early into the film's production. You can see the correct spelling of "Gangster Squad" in the trailer, on the movie website, Wikipedia, IMDB and seemingly everywhere else.

He also says "Gangster Squad" "wasn't exactly a critical or commercial success." He must be psychic, since my research seems to indicate that the movie doesn't open for another two and a half months.

Regarding the suit: Other than the absence of the popped collar, it looks similar to the suit currently in the comics. It also looks much more like the traditional costume than the many variations used in the comics over the decades or that have been proposed for unproduced Superman films. This costume could have easily been a full black bodysuit, no cape, and silver shield. Or, a translucent plastic embedded with moving lights. Or, they could have attempted to ditch the suit altogether and only allude to it, as "Smallville" did for ten years. Or, it could have been the late '90's Superman Blue containment suit. Compared to how radically the costume might have been changed, (and has been changed in the comics and other media) I personally think it looks fine and could have been a LOT worse.

Regarding the bulge: He seems to argue that it shouldn't exist or should be different somehow. Should it be bigger, smaller, or not exist at all? I would think a slight bulge like this would be preferable than either the outline of his genitals or looking like he had no genitals at all. The only other alternative I can see that could be used to eliminate the sight of the bulge would be to make his pants loose, and therefore radically change the classic suit, which he seems to be against.

Sorry, but men who wear tights and still have genitals are going to have bulges. It's just one of those sad facts of life that everyone has to deal with someday. Perhaps therapy would help. I'm not sure why this is an issue. This guy must have had a traumatic experience watching male gymnastics during the Olympics one day growing up.

Finally, changes in iconic superhero uniforms: Adam West's costume in the "Batman" television series looks much more like the original Batman costume than any of Batman's film costumes from 1989 to the present, yet it's rarely argued that it's a superior design simply because it's original. I believe that argument would apply to the Batmobile as well. You say fans don't want to see changes, but if James Bond used the same gadgets every film, it would soon get boring.

LordOfThePings: [image.guardian.co.uk image 460x276]

Unimpressed, but amused

Baldrick: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder: Really?
Baldrick: Yeah, it was called Macbeth.
Blackadder: And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece.
Baldrick: [Baldrick nods] Yes.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who was playing Macbeth.

Focusing on a superman script is like focusing on a turd. The entire premise of superman is f*cking stupid.

payattention: SharkTrager: Some of you guys spend an awful lot of time focused on the groins and nipples of other men.

and we're done.

//thank the gods you said that
/// I am gay and don't get this... you'd think the entire population of the US was 7 years old...

...we are.

Maybe they should try not using the suit. IIRC, Kevin Smith has stated he had a script where Supes just wore normally clothes the whole movie. It might help endear the character to the audience. Did Supes wear a suit in Smallville?


The_Fuzz: Still not as bad as Transformers. What the hell does a robot need a codpiece for???
[2.bp.blogspot.com image 362x400]


God I hate those things. Even standing still they hurt my eyes. Just a farking mess of wires and twisted metal. It's like they catapulted a car into a tree at 120mph and called the resulting mess a model for a robot. The 80's cartoon models may have been blocky and simplistic, but at least they were not offensive to the senses.

Seems to be a needed addition. (semi-nsfw, I suppose)

Honestly, it's obvious there's no UA underwear beneath that suit. Given all the flying around and fighting Superman does, it's pretty much mandatory that he has some athletic support and a cup. If you're outraged at this, you have to get upset at all athletes in sports everywhere, pretty much.

Unless you think that his super powers lets him just hang it out there. Even so, for simple comfort I doubt Superman wants his package banging around loose.

Mugato: strangeluck: I have nothing against George Clooney, I think he's a fine actor depending on the role, but Batman? Oh my god no, so wrong, so very very wrong

Eh, I blame the directer, Shumaker and the Godawful dialog. There's no reason why Clooney couldn't have been a good Batman in the right hands.

pretty much my thoughts. Clooney is still a somewhat odd choice, but it's do-able with a decent director/script.

ecl: Focusing on a superman script is like focusing on a turd. The entire premise of superman is f*cking stupid.

Yeah. That's why the last reboot didn't work -- it took itself way to seriously.

The Richard Donner version worked so well because it was campy -- they never forgot that they were making a movie about a guy who flies around in spandex. And Gene Hackman perfectly handled the role of Lex Luther -- chewed the scenery but was still threatening.

strangeluck: I felt deeply sorry for Arnold in that movie, he even said in interviews that he was miserable and in pain having to wear that god awful Mr. Freeze costume.

Please cue the sound of the world's tinniest violin.

He got paid $25 million (in 1997 dollars) plus I'm sure some percentage of the box office gross. He knew what he was getting into and probably used it to drive up his fees.

I really don't see the problem with a codpiece.

This is a skin-tight suit. I'd much rather see a generic bulge than be able to visually "check his pulse" from the groin area.

/eww

Umpf - on every Superman movie, there's always a "news" article about how the costume had to be adjusred because the actor is so well endowed.

*every* movie.

It's tradition at this point.

kevin5lynn: Umpf - on every Superman movie, there's always a "news" article about how the costume had to be adjusred because the actor is so well endowed.

*every* movie.

It's tradition at this point.


This looks like a very bog-standard man-flute to me. I do not understand the "We must CGI out the python!" talk.

hdhale: Why would a man that is invulnerable to bullets need to wear armor at all?

Having asked the obvious question, breastplates with "nipples" weren't exactly uncommon in ancient times.

[farm4.static.flickr.com image 351x500]

[www.raisonsbrassband.com image 480x640]

That is why the Romans ended that shenanigans.

Why would you put Cod down your pants?

Man of Steel,
Woman of Kleenex

By Larry Niven*

Things of the form (*text*) are footnotes in the original text.

He's faster than a speeding bullet. He's more powerful than a locomotive. He's able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. Why can't he get a girl?

At the ripe old age of thirty-one (*Superman first appeared in Action Comics, June 1938*), Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark Kent) is still unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is a serious matter. The species itself is in danger!

An unwed Superman is a mobile Superman. Thus it has been alleged that those who chronicle the Man of Steel's adventures are responsible for his condition. But the cartoonists are not to blame.

Nor is Superman handicapped by psychological problems.

Granted that the poor oaf is not entirely sane. How could he be? He is an orphan, a refugee, and an alien. His homeland no longer exists in any form, save for gigatons upon gigatons of dangerous, prettily colored rocks.

As a child and young adult, Kal-El must have been hard put to find an adequate father-figure. What human could control his antisocial behavior? What human would dare try to punish him? His actual, highly social behavior during this period indicates an inhuman self-restraint.

What wonder if Superman drifted gradually into schizophrenia? Torn between his human and kryptonian identities, he chose to be both, keeping his split personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic desperation is evident in his defense of his "secret identity."

But Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite real.

The purpose of this article is to point out some medical drawbacks to being a kryptonian among human beings, and to suggest possible solutions. The kryptonian humanoid must not be allowed to go the way of the pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon.

I

What turns on a kryptonian?

Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is doubtless the result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of Australia resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities, certain eating habits.

Be not deceived by appearances. Superman is no relative to homo sapiens.

What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some subtle mating cue at appropriate times of the year? Whatever it is, Lois Lane probably didn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong, less like a kryptonian woman than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating between Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy-and would be, of course, by church and common law.

II

Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman designated LL for convenience.

Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, but no longer gives a damn. Thirty-one years is a long time. For Superman it has been even longer. He has X-ray vision; he knows just what he's missing. (*One should not think of Superman as a Peeping Tom. A biological ability must be used. As a child Superman may never have known that things had surfaces, until he learned to suppress his X-ray vision. If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.*)

The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.

Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?

III

Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles.

Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.

IV

Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.

Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)

In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.

Artificial insemination may give us better results.

V

First we must collect the semen. The globules will emerge at transsonic speeds. Superman must first ejaculate, then fly frantically after the stuff to catch it in a test tube. We assume that he is on the Moon, both for privacy and to prevent the semen from exploding into vapor on hitting the air at such speeds.

He can catch the semen, of course, before it evaporates in vacuum. He's faster than a speeding bullet.

But can he keep it?

All known forms of kryptonian life have superpowers. The same must hold true of living kryptonian sperm. We may reasonably assume that kryptonian sperm are vulnerable only to starvation and to green kryptonite; that they can travel with equal ease through water, air, vacuum, glass, brick, boiling steel, solid steel, liquid helium, or the core of a star; and that they are capable of translight velocities.

What kind of a test tube will hold such beasties?

Kryptonian sperm and their unusual powers will give us further trouble. For the moment we will assume (because we must) that they tend to stay in the seminal fluid, which tends to stay in a simple glass tube. Thus Superman and LL can perform artificial insemination.

At least there will be another generation of kryptonians.

Or will there?

VI

A ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its voyage down her Fallopian tube.

Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, released from a test tube, begin their own voyage up LL's Fallopian tube.

The magic moment approaches...

Can human breed with kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code? On the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of corn than with Kal-El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match...

One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a lump on it's surface, the cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm From entering. Within the now-fertilized egg, changes take place...

And ten million kryptonian sperm arrive slightly late.

Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickened cell wall won't stop them. They will *all* enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artificial insemination.

But LL's problems are just beginning.

VII

Within her body there are still tens of millions of frustrated kryptonian sperm. The single egg is now too diffuse to be a target. The sperm scatter.

They scatter without regard to what is in their path. They leave curved channels, microscopically small. Presently all will have found their way to the open air.

That leaves LL with several million microscopic perforations all leading deep into her abdomen. Most of the channels will intersect one or more loops of intestine.

Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill.

Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis.

VIII

This is more serious than it looks.

Consider: these sperm are virtually indestructible. Within days or weeks they will die for lack of nourishment. Meanwhile they cannot be affected by heat, cold, vacuum, toxins, or anything short of green kryptonite. (*And other forms of kryptonite. For instance, there are chunks of red kryptonite that make giants of kryptonians. Imagine ten million earthworm size spermatozoa swarming over a Metropolis beach, diving to fertilize the beach balls... but I digress.*) There they are, minuscule but dangerous; for each has supernormal powers.

Metropolis is shaken by tiny sonic booms. Wormholes, charred by meteoric heat, sprout magically in all kinds of things: plate glass, masonry, antique ceramics, electric mixers, wood, household pets, and citizens. Some of the sperm will crack lightspeed. The Metropolis night comes alive with a network of narrow, eerie blue lines of Cherenkov radiation.

And women whom Superman has never met find themselves in a delicate condition.

Consider: LL won't get pregnant because there were too many of the blind mindless beasts. But whenever one sperm approaches an unfertilized human egg in its panic flight, it will attack.

How close is close enough? A few centimeters? Are sperm attracted by chemical cues? It seems likely. Metropolis had a population of millions; and kryptonian sperm could travel a long and crooked path, billions of miles, before it gives up and dies.

Several thousand blessed events seem not unlikely. (*If the pubescent Superboy plays with himself, we have the same problem over Smallville.*)

Several thousand lawsuits would follow. Not that Superman can't afford to pay. There's a trick where you squeeze a lump of coal into its allotropic diamond form...

IX

The above analysis gives us part of the answer. In our experiment in artificial insemination, we must use a single sperm. This presents no difficulty. Superman may use his microscopic vision and a pair of tiny tweezers to pluck a sperm from the swarm.

X

In its eagerness the single sperm may crash through LL's abdomen at transsonic speeds, wreaking havoc. Is there any way to slow it down?

There is. We can expose it to gold kryptonite.

Gold kryptonite, we remember, robs a kryptonian of all of his supernormal powers, permanently. Were we to expose Superman himself to gold kryptonite, we would solve all his sex problems, but he would be Clark Kent forever. We may regard this solution as somewhat drastic.

But we can expose the test tube of seminal fluid to gold kryptonite, then use standard techniques for artificial insemination.

By any of these methods we can get LL pregnant, without killing her. Are we out of the woods yet?

XI

Though exposed to gold kryptonite, the sperm still carries kryptonian genes. If these are recessive, then LL carries a developing human foetus. There will be no more Supermen; but at least we need not worry about the mother's health.

But if some or all of the kryptonian genes are dominant...

Can the infant use his X-ray vision before birth? After all, with such a power he can probably see through his own closed eyelids. That would leave LL sterile. If the kid starts using heat vision, things get even worse.

But when he starts to kick, it's all over. He will kick his way out into open air, killing himself and his mother.

XII

Is there a solution?

There are several. Each has drawbacks.

We can make LL wear a kryptonite (*For our purposes, all forms of kryptonite are available in unlimited quantities. It has been estimated, from the startling tonnage of kryptonite fallen to Earth since the explosion of Krypton, that the planet must have outweighed our entire solar system. Doubtless the "planet" Krypton was a cooling black dwarf star, one of a binary pair, the other member being a red giant.*) belt around her waist. But too little kryptonite may allow the child to damage her, while too much may damage or kill the child. Intermediate amounts may do both! And there is no safe way to experiment.

A better solution is to find a host-mother.

We have not yet considered the existence of a Supergirl. (*She can't mate with Superman because she's his first cousin. And only a cad would suggest differently.*) She could carry the child without harm. But Supergirl has a secret identity, and her secret identity is no more married than Supergirl herself. If she turned up pregnant, she would probably be thrown out of school.

A better solution may be to implant the growing foetus in Superman himself. There are places in a man's abdomen where a foetus could draw adequate nourishment, growing as a parasite, and where it would not cause undue harm to surrounding organs. Presumably Clark Kent can take a leave of absence more easily than Supergirl's schoolgirl alter ego.

When the time comes, the child would be removed by Caesarian section. It would have to be removed early, but there would be no problem with incubators as long as it was fed. I leave the problem of cutting through Superman's invulnerable skin as an exercise for the alert reader.

The mind boggles at the image of a pregnant Superman cruising the skies of Metropolis. Batman would refuse to be seen with him; strange new jokes would circulate the prisons...and the race of Krypton would be safe at last.

Four Horsemen of the Domestic Dispute: I guess hollywood will keep re-writing the same story over and over again until the sheep quit going.

Seriously. how many farking superman movies do we need?

A whole six movies and you're whining? Get back to us when Superman reaches the number of movies Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, James Bond, and Godzilla have.

This is not news, kids.

A number of years ago, there was a storefront display promoting an upcoming Superman movie, with a noticeable "package."

Farkers and Supes fans went nuts about it back then, also.

You know what they say about history? (And Farkers have short memories.)

chuggernaught: Maybe they should try not using the suit. IIRC, Kevin Smith has stated he had a script where Supes just wore normally clothes the whole movie. It might help endear the character to the audience. Did Supes wear a suit in Smallville?


The_Fuzz: Still not as bad as Transformers. What the hell does a robot need a codpiece for???
[2.bp.blogspot.com image 362x400]


God I hate those things. Even standing still they hurt my eyes. Just a farking mess of wires and twisted metal. It's like they catapulted a car into a tree at 120mph and called the resulting mess a model for a robot. The 80's cartoon models may have been blocky and simplistic, but at least they were not offensive to the senses.

Eh, it works really well to show that the Transformers are alien beings from another planet. G1's cardboard-boxes-glued-together style wouldn't have worked in live-action.

Maybe when he scratches his balls now, lasers shoot out.

If I was on the production team I would make sure the cod piece was used as a running joke thru the whole movie, bad puns and all.

This is why I am not on the production team.

Oh no! Now people have to think about the fact that Superman has a penis.

CygnusDarius: hdhale: Why would a man that is invulnerable to bullets need to wear armor at all?

Having asked the obvious question, breastplates with "nipples" weren't exactly uncommon in ancient times.

[farm4.static.flickr.com image 351x500]

[www.raisonsbrassband.com image 480x640]

That is why the Romans ended that shenanigans.

[bradwhitt.com image 500x665]

[www.armasdecoleccion.com image 300x280]

They also mass produced armor on a much larger scale than the Greeks or their predecessors. Chest detailing is less important when you are equipping several legions of ordinary soldier, and it's also a bit vain. Then again, the wealthy people commissioning that sort of armor in pre-Roman times usually wanted to appear more buffed than they were.

Actually, being too buffed back in the "hack and slash" days was determent in combat--you wanted a bit of fat "padding" to protect your muscles and gut should your armor be compromised (or non-existent as it was for light troops).

londos: For the people who think the red underwear are stupid and outdated...well, this is why they're important...

Came here to say that...seriously, it never occurred to me that Supes would be wearing a cup. Wasn't that what the "underwear on the outside" look of Golden Age superheroes was for?

hdhale: CygnusDarius: hdhale: Why would a man that is invulnerable to bullets need to wear armor at all?

Having asked the obvious question, breastplates with "nipples" weren't exactly uncommon in ancient times.

[farm4.static.flickr.com image 351x500]

[www.raisonsbrassband.com image 480x640]

That is why the Romans ended that shenanigans.

[bradwhitt.com image 500x665]

[www.armasdecoleccion.com image 300x280]

They also mass produced armor on a much larger scale than the Greeks or their predecessors. Chest detailing is less important when you are equipping several legions of ordinary soldier, and it's also a bit vain. Then again, the wealthy people commissioning that sort of armor in pre-Roman times usually wanted to appear more buffed than they were.

Actually, being too buffed back in the "hack and slash" days was determent in combat--you wanted a bit of fat "padding" to protect your muscles and gut should your armor be compromised (or non-existent as it was for light troops).

So beerguts are an ok last-ditch defense against axe-wielding barbarians?.

From the article: "We like the heroes because the people who created them in the first place got them right."

BZZZZT!!!!

Superman originally was just fast, strong, and could jump very high, and was bulletproof due to dense flesh - he came from a high-gravity world. You know, "faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound"

No heat-vision, no flight, super-hearing, super-breath, etc.

So I'd say fans are OK with some modifications here and there.

CygnusDarius: hdhale: CygnusDarius: hdhale: Why would a man that is invulnerable to bullets need to wear armor at all?

Having asked the obvious question, breastplates with "nipples" weren't exactly uncommon in ancient times.

[farm4.static.flickr.com image 351x500]

[www.raisonsbrassband.com image 480x640]

That is why the Romans ended that shenanigans.

[bradwhitt.com image 500x665]

[www.armasdecoleccion.com image 300x280]

They also mass produced armor on a much larger scale than the Greeks or their predecessors. Chest detailing is less important when you are equipping several legions of ordinary soldier, and it's also a bit vain. Then again, the wealthy people commissioning that sort of armor in pre-Roman times usually wanted to appear more buffed than they were.

Actually, being too buffed back in the "hack and slash" days was determent in combat--you wanted a bit of fat "padding" to protect your muscles and gut should your armor be compromised (or non-existent as it was for light troops).

So beerguts are an ok last-ditch defense against axe-wielding barbarians?.

Yes

This kind of thing usually bugs me, but in this case I'm fine with codpiece Superman. I mean, take a good long look at that suit, I have no idea what it's made of but by the look of it, if there wasn't a codpiece there that shiat would destroy the actor's junk in a matter of minutes, and whatever survived would probably form a pretty ghastly mooseknuckle.

FirstNationalBastard: The My Little Pony Killer: Oh no! Now people have to think about the fact that Superman has a penis.

Does he? It's never been established in continuity.

For all we know, he doesn't have a penis down there, but an auxiliary nutrient absorption system, and his genitalia retracts into his anus when not in use.

And boom, there goes my childhood.

The codpeice helps keep things uniform, unless you want your Superman running around like this:

gglibertine: I have to admit, I kind of like the new look. The red underwear always looked silly to me.

That said, yeah, they seriously need to downsize that bulge a little. A cup is good -- I'd really prefer to ignore Superman's package -- but this makes it look like he's got a constant hard-on.

Fortunately, the hysterical erotophobes who keep our nation safe from such atrocities as "nip slips" will force the studio to go back in and digitally geld the Man of Steel.

/A friend of mine once had the enviable job of digitally lengthening Elizabeth Shue's skirt in a scene from Hollow Man.

Living on Earf gives him super powers.

I know what part of Superman I'd like to see more of.

A decent script for any Superman movie not dealing with his origin story is always going to be a huge problem. He's essentially invulnerable and immortal, so a story around him can't have the same kind of high stakes as for a moral, so where's the drama. The drama then has to come from the people *around* him, and what can happen to THEM, not to Superman. Supes basically becomes a second-tier character to Lois, Jimmy, Perry, etc. and whoever the villain is. You need really strong characters and great actors to pull this kind of thing off, because more than most superhero movies , and perhaps non-intuitively, a Superman movie has to be an ensemble work.