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(Dallas Observer)   Houston -- assh*le of the universe   (blogs.dallasobserver.com) divider line 267
    More: Obvious, Houston Chronicle  
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19717 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Jun 2012 at 4:15 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-06-14 12:19:28 PM
Article neglects to mention that Dallas is the taint
 
2012-06-14 12:24:06 PM

Peter von Nostrand: Article neglects to mention that Dallas is the taint


I've lived in both (currently in Houston), and Dallas is the fakest city I've ever lived in. If Houston is the asshole of the universe, Dallas is the bleached, stuck-up version.
 
2012-06-14 12:25:23 PM
i18.photobucket.com
 
2012-06-14 12:28:07 PM
Both cities are in Texas. This is like two retards arguing who is the smartest.
 
2012-06-14 12:29:33 PM
And doesn't it say something that you feel so insecure that you have to write a self-congratulatory article in your hometown newspaper about how awesome you are?

about as much as it does to feel compelled to defend your own hometown.
 
2012-06-14 12:30:27 PM

Peter von Nostrand: Article neglects to mention that Dallas is the taint


Please, please, Dallas is the scabby pimple on the taint, San Antonio is the taint.
 
2012-06-14 12:33:56 PM
Ah, look how cute the Texans are, arguing over which one of the festering pustules is the most oozy.
 
2012-06-14 12:40:01 PM

scottydoesntknow: Peter von Nostrand: Article neglects to mention that Dallas is the taint

I've lived in both (currently in Houston), and Dallas is the fakest city I've ever lived in. If Houston is the asshole of the universe, Dallas is the bleached, stuck-up version.


And yet Dallas is still better than Plano
 
2012-06-14 12:46:46 PM
Yeesh, there is nothing more pathetic than a geographical pissing contest. Go accomplish something that requires personal sacrifice if you want something to puff your chest about.

But yes, stay out of Houston. It's just awful here. Everything you've heard is true. Roving bands of preachers committing aggravated baptisms. Nothing but white people everywhere. No hospitals or doctors or art of any kind, in fact we still only ride horses to our daily book burning in Hermann Park. Our mayor is a violent maniacal homophobe who's known to bludgeon gays on sight. The white workers get together every hour to beat the mexican workers with whips while forcing them to eat beef brisket. Dallas is a much better place. Move there. Or Austin. Or go back to the utopia you tell me about a hundred times a day and then get mad when I ask if where you came from is so awesome, why the fark are you here? You must be real stupid to leave such a paradise to mingle along here with us plebes.
 
2012-06-14 12:50:49 PM

alwaysjaded: It's just awful here. Everything you've heard is true. Roving bands of preachers committing aggravated baptisms. Nothing but white people everywhere. No hospitals or doctors or art of any kind, in fact we still only ride horses to our daily book burning in Hermann Park. Our mayor is a violent maniacal homophobe who's known to bludgeon gays on sight. The white workers get together every hour to beat the mexican workers with whips while forcing them to eat beef brisket.


I'm not sure how much of this is satire...

But at least you're not in Ohio.
 
2012-06-14 01:03:07 PM
I'm amazed that someone would drop trousers at the corner of Travis and Pease, across the street from the Downtown Y. This is about 2 blocks from where I work, and both streets are very busy.

Other than that, I love living in Houston.
 
2012-06-14 01:05:41 PM
If you feel the need to defend where you live, you obviously agree that it needs defending. Otherwise, you wouldn't give a sh*t.
 
2012-06-14 02:02:05 PM
No real points or arguments in TFA, really, just childish insults.
I loved it.

Was also amused by how few of the comments were of the "I quite like our fair city" variety, and how many were "your shiatty town is even worse than ours!"

And someone dropped the ultimate insult, insinuating that someone else sounds like an "Aggie".
 
2012-06-14 02:17:28 PM

bdub77: Both cities are in Texas. This is like two retards arguing who is the smartest.


THIS!
 
2012-06-14 02:24:44 PM
I was expecting a lot better from the "We Apologize in Advance for This Particular Item" category of that blog.
 
2012-06-14 02:31:59 PM

minoridiot: I'm amazed that someone would drop trousers at the corner of Travis and Pease, across the street from the Downtown Y. This is about 2 blocks from where I work, and both streets are very busy.


Hey at least in NYC, we do it on cop cars!
 
2012-06-14 02:39:51 PM

sigdiamond2000: If you feel the need to defend where you live, you obviously agree that it needs defending. Otherwise, you wouldn't give a sh*t.


You're saying the guy in the pic was defending Houston?
 
2012-06-14 02:53:22 PM

alwaysjaded:
But yes, stay out of Houston. It's just awful here. Everything you've heard is true. Roving bands of preachers committing aggravated baptisms. Nothing but white people everywhere. No hospitals or doctors or art of any kind, in fact we still only ride horses to our daily book burning in Hermann Park. Our mayor is a violent maniacal homophobe who's known to bludgeon gays on sight. The white workers get together every hour to beat the mexican workers with whips while forcing them to eat beef brisket. Dallas is a much better place. Move there. Or Austin. Or go back to the utopia you tell me about a hundred times a day and then get mad when I ask if where you came from is so awesome, why the fark are you here? You must be real stupid to leave such a paradise to mingle along here with us plebes.


My impression of Houston is that it is one big strip mall that has blown up, Beverly Hillbillies style, with absolutely no planning or direction. Or taste. I actually went to a five star restaurant that I swear used to be a Taco Bell.

It is very cosmopolitan; much like New York; in that there are people from all over the world who return a cheery "Hello!' with an icy stare of suspicion. Strangely, the only people who are friendly are the native Texans (who really are very friendly). But unfortunately, they seem vastly outnumbered by douchebags from places like Kuwait, Pakistan and France whose idea of friendly seems to be spitting near your shoes, rather than on them, when you pass them in the hall.

The downtown area is inexplicably nonexistent in terms of culture and entertainment, and while Houston on the whole does have cultural attractions, they are probably a 45 minute trip on the freeway (double that when it's before 9 p.m.) from wherever you are at the moment. Because everything in Houston is.

And the crime. Oh, the crime! Not so much in terms of violence, but the break ins are legendary, even in the nice neighborhoods. If you haven't broken into in Houston, your stuff must really suck.

But other than that, yeah. Great place.
 
2012-06-14 02:55:56 PM
Oh, props to Houston on one point:

First openly lesbian mayor of a major American city in US history. And I believe she was just re-elected. So there is that.
 
2012-06-14 03:01:57 PM
Oh, and I forgot to mention bats.

There must be caves around the city, because Houston is infested with f*cking bats.
 
2012-06-14 04:10:49 PM

gilgigamesh: Oh, and I forgot to mention bats.

There must be caves around the city, because Houston is infested with f*cking bats.

Places I can stop:

* New York
* Boston
* St. Louis
* Dallas
* LA
 
2012-06-14 04:15:54 PM
Back when I lived in Texas, I was always amused at the people in Houston and Dallas arguing over which of them was the third best and which the fourth best city in Texas. I gotta go with Houston, though, at least for its proximity to the Gulf.
 
2012-06-14 04:17:53 PM
Control + F.. "Katrina".........(no results)

cdnimg.visualizeus.com
 
2012-06-14 04:20:23 PM
How do we feel about Austin...
 
2012-06-14 04:22:18 PM
They must teach how to write these types of articles in Slow News Day class in journalism school.
 
2012-06-14 04:22:51 PM
you done been trolled by the Dallas Observer.

/lived in both.
//moved away from both.
///not gonna get into this stupid argument
 
2012-06-14 04:23:01 PM
Reading that made me feel like I was watching 2 retards jerk each other off. O_o
 
2012-06-14 04:23:06 PM
Is this just because they have two Starbucks across the street from each other?

/Pretty sure Lewis Black actually said it was in Houston.
 
2012-06-14 04:23:55 PM
ecx.images-amazon.com
Approves
 
2012-06-14 04:24:38 PM

scottydoesntknow: Peter von Nostrand: Article neglects to mention that Dallas is the taint

I've lived in both (currently in Houston), and Dallas is the fakest city I've ever lived in. If Houston is the asshole of the universe, Dallas is the bleached, stuck-up version.


If Houston is the asshole, Dallas is the gangrenous colon polyp.
 
2012-06-14 04:25:14 PM
Meanwhile in places that don't suck...
www.brooklynvegan.com
 
2012-06-14 04:25:44 PM

scottydoesntknow: Peter von Nostrand: Article neglects to mention that Dallas is the taint

I've lived in both (currently in Houston), and Dallas is the fakest city I've ever lived in. If Houston is the asshole of the universe, Dallas is the bleached, stuck-up version.


I have lived in both as well, and Houston is a significantly better city than Dallas. Fort Worth is alright, however.
 
2012-06-14 04:25:53 PM
I think I've been calling Houston the butthole of Texas since somewhere around 13 years old when I went. Well....that or El Paso.

But seriously, DFW has some of the hottest women on the planet. Grade A southern busty Daisy Dukes with too much of daddies money. And if you're lucky you'll get to stick your dick into some of that crazy.
 
2012-06-14 04:26:01 PM
Houston takes the meaning of "concrete jungle" to a whole new level. Imagine 99% humidity at 99 degrees and air so thick you can't see your hand in front of your face. Skyline? What skyline? You can't see shiat!
 
2012-06-14 04:26:58 PM
That article was in a legitimate newspaper. It is the most idiocracy-y thing I have ever seen.

No joke.
 
2012-06-14 04:27:13 PM
I was once forced to take a bus from San Antonio to Orlando via Dallas. I laughed my ass off when we stopped in Dallas and I saw what I suspected was a businessman dressed in a denim 3-piece suit complete with snakeskin cowboy boots and hat. Cattle-skull bolo tie, too. Texans are damned retarded.
 
2012-06-14 04:27:29 PM
Ya know... if it wasn't 3:30 in the after noon and I'm on the north side of Dallas, and I kinda need to work the next two days, I'd be setting off to Houston just to see which is worse.

Of course I might be biased as I have a microscopically detailed knowledge of Dallas county and merely microscopic knowledge of everywhere else.
 
2012-06-14 04:27:32 PM
They do have the A**tros
 
2012-06-14 04:28:09 PM

Peter von Nostrand: scottydoesntknow: Peter von Nostrand: Article neglects to mention that Dallas is the taint

I've lived in both (currently in Houston), and Dallas is the fakest city I've ever lived in. If Houston is the asshole of the universe, Dallas is the bleached, stuck-up version.

And yet Dallas is still better than Plano


I live in Plano so I'm getting a kicaaaaaawWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH...

(sob)

(sound of wrists being slit)
 
2012-06-14 04:28:15 PM

Detinwolf: How do we feel about Austin...


We hate it. Stay away from Austin. It sucks.

No seriously. Stay away. We mean it.
 
2012-06-14 04:29:30 PM
If you like humidity, and infrastructure that's only friendly to people with (large) cars, you'll love Houston.
 
2012-06-14 04:30:03 PM

scottydoesntknow: Peter von Nostrand: Article neglects to mention that Dallas is the taint

I've lived in both (currently in Houston), and Dallas is the fakest city I've ever lived in. If Houston is the asshole of the universe, Dallas is the bleached, stuck-up version.


I moved here from Nashville in 2009 for work and found the whole Dallas / Houston thing just weird. I just don't get it. Maybe the whole thing is lost on me since I'm a transplant and a newer one at that.

I miss having four seasons, a great music scene and being a day trip from the redneck riveria (Destin, FL) but it is really nice to be able to golf all year and live in a city with a fairly stable economy. Being a Titans fan goes over with the crowd at Reliant, too.
 
2012-06-14 04:30:19 PM
Wow, that was such a witty retort. It seems that even without reading the Houston article, that Dallas has worse writers.

Useless waste of space - BOTH of them.
 
2012-06-14 04:31:15 PM
People in Dallas just LOVE Oklahoma for some reason.

Dallas, Arlington, Fort Worth, Plano and all the other stuff up there are just one big glob. There is no distinction between them as you pass through.

Houston is nice to visit because no one that lives here is from here. Most are not even from the US.
 
2012-06-14 04:31:25 PM
I was born in Dallas, but to this day, it's the only city I've ever been to that has no soul.

Houston's not great, but at least it's got character. Dallas is the type of city that would regard Olive Garden replacing a small business as an improvement.
 
2012-06-14 04:32:19 PM

exick: Ah, look how cute the Texans are, arguing over which one of the festering pustules is the most oozy.


Raleigh is worse than Houston. Dear god at least there's stuff to do in Houston other than talk about how it's less terrible now than it used to be. Your downtown is pathetic. There's a bail bonds office, a few sad museums, a handful of buildings with more than 2 stories and some bars. You guys have a park just for bums - replace that acorn with a squeegee.

All the roads go in circles, change their names every couple blocks and lead to dead-ends anyway. There's no grid to speak of outside of "historic" downtown Raleigh which hasn't changed in 200 years. Take a wrong turn off a major road? You are absolutely farked. Back up and turn around. It's the city every band skips over on its way from Atlanta to DC.

Your barbecue sauce is pathetic. It's sauce, not water. It's supposed to be thick, so you can spread it on meat, and taste it. It's as bland as the rest of the state. There's no character, whatsoever, and your accents are atrocious. The high-pitched grating southern accents you hear actors use on TV, when playing Texans? They're from North Carolina, or sometimes Georgia.
 
2012-06-14 04:33:17 PM

NorCalLos: They must teach how to write these types of articles in Slow News Day class in journalism school.


You think the kids that work at zines like Dallas Observer went to journalism school?
 
2012-06-14 04:33:19 PM
Lived in Houston for a while. Visited Dallas a lot growing up.

Both are way better than Shreveport....
 
2012-06-14 04:34:23 PM

Detinwolf: How do we feel about Austin...


A shell of what it was. Californians and transplants move there thinking they're hip, and ask the locals to turn down their music
 
2012-06-14 04:35:08 PM
But seriously folks, having lived in Texas for 13 years now and having spent significant time in most of the major cities, I propose the following guidelines:

PLACES IN TEXAS THAT ROCK:
1. Austin
2. San Antonio
3. Fort Worth

PLACE IN TEXAS THAT ARE AT LEAST TOLERABLE:
1. Dallas
2. El Paso
3. Amarillo

PLACES IN TEXAS THAT SUCK GIANT DONKEY NUTS:
1. Houston
2. Corpus Christi
3. Tyler
4. Lubbock
 
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