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(MLive.com)   Actual Headline: 'Jerk-Off' contest. FTA: "The public will be able to taste the samples as well"   (mlive.com) divider line 62
    More: Amusing, FTA, Kalamazoo, taste  
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8547 clicks; posted to Main » on 12 Jun 2012 at 11:55 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-06-12 10:49:52 AM  
You haven't lived until you've wrapped your fingers around some meat, massaging all the flavor out of it and cuminating in an explosion of taste that you can feel slide all the way down your throat.
 
2012-06-12 11:58:25 AM  

PainInTheASP: You haven't lived until you've wrapped your fingers around some meat, massaging all the flavor out of it and cuminating in an explosion of taste that you can feel slide all the way down your throat.


i15.photobucket.com

I think we're done here.
 
2012-06-12 11:58:50 AM  

PainInTheASP: You haven't lived until you've wrapped your fingers around some meat, massaging all the flavor out of it and cuminating in an explosion of taste that you can feel slide all the way down your throat.


Keep jerking off that chicken
 
2012-06-12 11:58:53 AM  
I'd say done in one, but there's just so much else that Farkers can do with this, I think I'll just go fetch some popcorn...
 
2012-06-12 12:00:14 PM  
Leave it to the Kalamazoo Gazette. Or "M-Live" they are changing to as the Newspaper dies.

/yes, there really is a Kalamazoo.
 
2012-06-12 12:00:25 PM  
Jennings said the vendors will make their jerk sauce from scratch and the flavor profiles can range from mild to spicy or sweet to savory.

There's a joke in there somewhere. I just can't think of it right now.
 
2012-06-12 12:01:49 PM  
Wait, they award prizes for this in Michigan?
 
2012-06-12 12:03:32 PM  

cleveoh: Wait, they award prizes for this in Michigan?


Quantity and distance. Extra points if it's a direct eye shot. Points are lost if they flinch.
 
2012-06-12 12:04:05 PM  
I didn't know Michigan was known for any think other than pasties.
 
2012-06-12 12:04:09 PM  
Will the tables be circular?
 
2012-06-12 12:05:20 PM  
It sits heavy on your tongue, sometimes salty, sometimes sweet. And you let it sit for a while. If you don't like the thought of swallowing...
 
2012-06-12 12:06:41 PM  
To win the Jerk-Off, you need to beat off the competition.
 
2012-06-12 12:06:44 PM  
I predict the results will be all over the place.
 
2012-06-12 12:08:03 PM  

gregario: cleveoh: Wait, they award prizes for this in Michigan?

Quantity and distance. Extra points if it's a direct eye shot. Points are lost if they flinch.


Oh,ok, just like lawn darts, then?

Are there mens & womens divisions?
 
2012-06-12 12:08:26 PM  
Odd, I checked the local news down there and I don't see anything about there being a Mop-Off the next day.
 
2012-06-12 12:08:28 PM  
I love when my meat gets smoked. Nothing like a good bone in your pork butt to get the juices flowing.

Penis
 
2012-06-12 12:10:29 PM  

offmymeds: There's a joke in there somewhere. I just can't think of it right now.


There are a multitude of jokes, manifold, a cornucopia,a plethora, no dearth of, Aleph farking 97 or more.

//just say'n there's a butt load
 
2012-06-12 12:10:36 PM  
I've known several women who swear that pineapple juice makes jerked meat taste better.
 
2012-06-12 12:10:39 PM  
wtfisupwithmylovelife.com
 
2012-06-12 12:18:43 PM  
This contest will undoubtably leave a bad taste in my mouth.
 
2012-06-12 12:20:43 PM  
For the best and most authentic jerk, you need a hole, preferably covered in pimento leaves.
 
2012-06-12 12:23:52 PM  
This is the best

i.imgur.com
 
2012-06-12 12:34:59 PM  
i46.tinypic.com
 
2012-06-12 12:37:44 PM  
Where do I buy the commemorative T-Shirt?

Must have.
 
2012-06-12 12:42:57 PM  
i.imgur.com

First contestant to enter.
 
2012-06-12 12:43:41 PM  

bim1154: I didn't know Michigan was known for any think other than pasties.


Wrong peninsula.
 
2012-06-12 12:48:30 PM  
I lived in Michigan for 12 years. Trust me there's nothing interesting going on there anyways. Might as well have a jerk off contest.
 
2012-06-12 12:50:45 PM  
Pfft, I've been training for decades. That gold medal is mine.
 
2012-06-12 01:00:12 PM  
Wait, is this endurance or speed? Distance? Perhaps there will be multiple categories, with each event a day apart so contestants can enter more than one event.

I would enter them all.
 
2012-06-12 01:05:18 PM  
Come on Jamaica
In Jamaica all day
Dancing with your darling
Do Jamaica jerk off that way
 
2012-06-12 01:24:49 PM  

phil her craken: I lived in Michigan for 12 years. Trust me there's nothing interesting going on there anyways. Might as well have a jerk off contest.


Did you live in Jackson or something? You missed out, bud.
 
2012-06-12 01:30:33 PM  
engineerblogs.org
"I'm out!"
 
2012-06-12 01:37:30 PM  

Marquis de Sod: PainInTheASP: You haven't lived until you've wrapped your fingers around some meat, massaging all the flavor out of it and cuminating in an explosion of taste that you can feel slide all the way down your throat.

Keep jerking off that chicken


I prefer choking mine.
 
2012-06-12 01:40:26 PM  
Came... for the contest. You can taste samples and take home a jar.

Leaving... satisfied.
 
2012-06-12 01:45:47 PM  

Wasn't Looking at his Neck: Will the tables be circular?


i.cdn.turner.com
♪This table's long, but it should be round.
King Arthur can't hear a sound.
When a knight tries to talk, that brothers gotta walk
'bout half a freakin block to be heard.
Can't hear a word, 'cause this tables so absurd.
Us knights got much to discuss,
But this tables ridiculous. (Don't be ridiculous)

Belvedere can't hear.
"Yo can you pass me some beer?" (Sa' What?)
It's 20 feet by 80, can't even flirt with ladies.
Better have long arms when you're having a meal
if you're trying to cop a feel. (Uh Uh)
We need a new proportion to bring our kingdom fortune.
I got an idea that might work for ya'll,
I'mma make this motha' circula'.

Sir Galahad. (Ya?)
Percival (Ya?)
Do you wanna hear the others talk? (Hell ya!)
Then bring it in, sit it down, it's like King Arthur's crown.
Table Be Round.
Table Be Round.

Now with this circulation we can have nice conversation.
"Can you hear me now?" (I can hear!) (Holy Cow!)
Make every knight say "Wow!"
"Now you know that we can not fail,
when we're looking for the holy grail."
360 on the parameter, you know ho's like diameter.
Table Be Round (Ya)
Table Be Round (Uh)♪

So, um....yeah.
 
2012-06-12 01:47:00 PM  
Warning, may contain nuts.
 
2012-06-12 01:53:53 PM  
The TV ad's a winner as well.
 
2012-06-12 01:55:58 PM  
i.usatoday.net

"There'll be samples ...?"
 
2012-06-12 02:04:13 PM  

Bruxellensis: bim1154: I didn't know Michigan was known for any think other than pasties.

Wrong peninsula.


Yes, I know... my ancestors immigrated to the UP in the late 1800s. My statement was, more "in general". Also have an x-wife from the lower P and her cooking was absolutely horrid.
 
2012-06-12 02:16:13 PM  

bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: I didn't know Michigan was known for any think other than pasties.

Wrong peninsula.

Yes, I know... my ancestors immigrated to the UP in the late 1800s. My statement was, more "in general". Also have an x-wife from the lower P and her cooking was absolutely horrid.


So did mine (on father's side).
 
2012-06-12 02:19:40 PM  

Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: I didn't know Michigan was known for any think other than pasties.

Wrong peninsula.

Yes, I know... my ancestors immigrated to the UP in the late 1800s. My statement was, more "in general". Also have an x-wife from the lower P and her cooking was absolutely horrid.

So did mine (on father's side).


Yep.. father's side. Swedish and settled in Ishpeming. Great grandfather and his brothers use to work in the mines there. He died of pleurisy and one of his brothers got killed when part of a ceiling collapsed on him. I learned to make Pasties from my grandmother. Pasties were about the only thing she could cook good along with one or two kinds of Swedish breads. Other than that, typical Swedish food... bland as hell.
 
2012-06-12 02:24:46 PM  

bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: I didn't know Michigan was known for any think other than pasties.

Wrong peninsula.

Yes, I know... my ancestors immigrated to the UP in the late 1800s. My statement was, more "in general". Also have an x-wife from the lower P and her cooking was absolutely horrid.

So did mine (on father's side).

Yep.. father's side. Swedish and settled in Ishpeming. Great grandfather and his brothers use to work in the mines there. He died of pleurisy and one of his brothers got killed when part of a ceiling collapsed on him. I learned to make Pasties from my grandmother. Pasties were about the only thing she could cook good along with one or two kinds of Swedish breads. Other than that, typical Swedish food... bland as hell.


Danish, worked for the Railroad company near Rudyard. Never had any family recipes for pasties, though. Honestly, not a big fan of them in general. The ones from Suomi in Houghton, or the Au Train Grocery store are damn good, however.
 
2012-06-12 02:29:46 PM  

Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: I didn't know Michigan was known for any think other than pasties.

Wrong peninsula.

Yes, I know... my ancestors immigrated to the UP in the late 1800s. My statement was, more "in general". Also have an x-wife from the lower P and her cooking was absolutely horrid.

So did mine (on father's side).

Yep.. father's side. Swedish and settled in Ishpeming. Great grandfather and his brothers use to work in the mines there. He died of pleurisy and one of his brothers got killed when part of a ceiling collapsed on him. I learned to make Pasties from my grandmother. Pasties were about the only thing she could cook good along with one or two kinds of Swedish breads. Other than that, typical Swedish food... bland as hell.

Danish, worked for the Railroad company near Rudyard. Never had any family recipes for pasties, though. Honestly, not a big fan of them in general. The ones from Suomi in Houghton, or the Au Train Grocery store are damn good, however.


It's been about 17 years since I was last up there. There is a place off of the highway just west of Ishpeming that has some good ones, but all in all the few times a year I make them for the family here, mine are just as good. Most of the recipes are similar. Many of them try to approach it from a "healthy" standpoint these days.
 
2012-06-12 02:36:18 PM  

bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: I didn't know Michigan was known for any think other than pasties.

Wrong peninsula.

Yes, I know... my ancestors immigrated to the UP in the late 1800s. My statement was, more "in general". Also have an x-wife from the lower P and her cooking was absolutely horrid.

So did mine (on father's side).

Yep.. father's side. Swedish and settled in Ishpeming. Great grandfather and his brothers use to work in the mines there. He died of pleurisy and one of his brothers got killed when part of a ceiling collapsed on him. I learned to make Pasties from my grandmother. Pasties were about the only thing she could cook good along with one or two kinds of Swedish breads. Other than that, typical Swedish food... bland as hell.

Danish, worked for the Railroad company near Rudyard. Never had any family recipes for pasties, though. Honestly, not a big fan of them in general. The ones from Suomi in Houghton, or the Au Train Grocery store are damn good, however.

It's been about 17 years since I was last up there. There is a place off of the highway just west of Ishpeming that has some good ones, but all in all the few times a year I make them for the family here, mine are just as good. Most of the recipes are similar. Many of them try to approach it from a "healthy" standpoint these days.


Have you seen the movie Catfish?
 
2012-06-12 02:47:10 PM  
Sounds like that festival will be full of jerk-offs. What a mess.
 
2012-06-12 02:48:05 PM  

Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: I didn't know Michigan was known for any think other than pasties.

Wrong peninsula.

Yes, I know... my ancestors immigrated to the UP in the late 1800s. My statement was, more "in general". Also have an x-wife from the lower P and her cooking was absolutely horrid.

So did mine (on father's side).

Yep.. father's side. Swedish and settled in Ishpeming. Great grandfather and his brothers use to work in the mines there. He died of pleurisy and one of his brothers got killed when part of a ceiling collapsed on him. I learned to make Pasties from my grandmother. Pasties were about the only thing she could cook good along with one or two kinds of Swedish breads. Other than that, typical Swedish food... bland as hell.

Danish, worked for the Railroad company near Rudyard. Never had any family recipes for pasties, though. Honestly, not a big fan of them in general. The ones from Suomi in Houghton, or the Au Train Grocery store are damn good, however.

It's been about 17 years since I was last up there. There is a place off of the highway just west of Ishpeming that has some good ones, but all in all the few times a year I make them for the family here, mine are just as good. Most of the recipes are similar. Many of them try to approach it from a "healthy" standpoint these days.

Have you seen the movie Catfish?


No, never saw that one.
 
2012-06-12 02:53:41 PM  

bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: I didn't know Michigan was known for any think other than pasties.

Wrong peninsula.

Yes, I know... my ancestors immigrated to the UP in the late 1800s. My statement was, more "in general". Also have an x-wife from the lower P and her cooking was absolutely horrid.

So did mine (on father's side).

Yep.. father's side. Swedish and settled in Ishpeming. Great grandfather and his brothers use to work in the mines there. He died of pleurisy and one of his brothers got killed when part of a ceiling collapsed on him. I learned to make Pasties from my grandmother. Pasties were about the only thing she could cook good along with one or two kinds of Swedish breads. Other than that, typical Swedish food... bland as hell.

Danish, worked for the Railroad company near Rudyard. Never had any family recipes for pasties, though. Honestly, not a big fan of them in general. The ones from Suomi in Houghton, or the Au Train Grocery store are damn good, however.

It's been about 17 years since I was last up there. There is a place off of the highway just west of Ishpeming that has some good ones, but all in all the few times a year I make them for the family here, mine are just as good. Most of the recipes are similar. Many of them try to approach it from a "healthy" standpoint these days.

Have you seen the movie Catfish?

No, never saw that one.


As someone with ties to Ishpeming, you should.
 
2012-06-12 02:58:17 PM  

Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: Bruxellensis: bim1154: I didn't know Michigan was known for any think other than pasties.

Wrong peninsula.

Yes, I know... my ancestors immigrated to the UP in the late 1800s. My statement was, more "in general". Also have an x-wife from the lower P and her cooking was absolutely horrid.

So did mine (on father's side).

Yep.. father's side. Swedish and settled in Ishpeming. Great grandfather and his brothers use to work in the mines there. He died of pleurisy and one of his brothers got killed when part of a ceiling collapsed on him. I learned to make Pasties from my grandmother. Pasties were about the only thing she could cook good along with one or two kinds of Swedish breads. Other than that, typical Swedish food... bland as hell.

Danish, worked for the Railroad company near Rudyard. Never had any family recipes for pasties, though. Honestly, not a big fan of them in general. The ones from Suomi in Houghton, or the Au Train Grocery store are damn good, however.

It's been about 17 years since I was last up there. There is a place off of the highway just west of Ishpeming that has some good ones, but all in all the few times a year I make them for the family here, mine are just as good. Most of the recipes are similar. Many of them try to approach it from a "healthy" standpoint these days.

Have you seen the movie Catfish?

No, never saw that one.

As someone with ties to Ishpeming, you should.


I'll check the torrents. I watched the trailer on IMDB after you mentioned it but it was fairly vague. Is it one of those where it's shot by someone holding a shaky video camera the whole time? I swore after watching the the last one of those I would never watch another one where someone was doing that.
 
2012-06-12 03:08:55 PM  
Haw-haw dick jokes aside...

curry goat and conch salad FTW!

it was a tiny shack by the ocean, on Grand Bahama island. There was a guy named Ian, a boombox with a Commodres tape, and two coolers. One had beer (ting-ting),the other had red and green pepper and butter. There was a gas grill and a dock that led out about forty feet into the ocean. The food was whatever fishermen brought up to the dock. We ate conch salad and lobster, with a demon hot sauce made from goat peppers.

"What's a goat pepper?" I sez.

"Oh, it twice as hot as a jalapeno!"

"OK, gimme!"

Eep.

Later, a couple fishermen came in, saw our two couples, and said this -

"Ay, look at all the white people in here!"

That's when you know it's a good spot...
 
2012-06-12 03:12:38 PM  

bim1154: I'll check the torrents. I watched the trailer on IMDB after you mentioned it but it was fairly vague. Is it one of those where it's shot by someone holding a shaky video camera the whole time? I swore after watching the the last one of those I would never watch another one where someone was doing that.


It has parts that are a little shaky, mostly during foot travel during a shot, things like that. For the most part, the camera work is respectable, given the circumstances. It's like watching an investigative documentary, and it's all true. I wouldn't say Michael J. Fox was the cameraman or anything like that, but it wasn't as steady as a big budget film either.
 
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