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(Oregon Live)   What's worse than being high on drugs and plowing your car into a crime scene? Being high on drugs while masturbating and plowing your car into a crime scene   (oregonlive.com ) divider line
    More: Fail, car thief, sex offenders, sex crimes, Judge Michael McShane  
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7676 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Jun 2012 at 11:41 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



90 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2012-06-09 03:16:15 AM  
media.oregonlive.com

But he seems like such a nice young man.
 
2012-06-09 03:33:29 AM  
When one of the officers confronted Signalness about his masturbation and the pornography on the front passenger seat, Signalness reportedly replied "You caught me red-handed."

They sure did.
 
2012-06-09 03:43:06 AM  
Son of Frankenstein?
 
2012-06-09 03:45:03 AM  
That's not even a fivehead, that's like a twelvehead.
 
2012-06-09 06:30:10 AM  
This makes me feel light hearted for some reason.
 
2012-06-09 08:34:42 AM  

AbbeySomeone: This makes me feel light hearted for some reason.


Smoking meth and jerking off while stealing a car is as American as Mom and Apple Pie. I wanna see the Norman Rockwell version of it.
 
2012-06-09 08:35:45 AM  
/ah, damn the car wasn't stolen
//sorry, I just assumed
 
2012-06-09 09:38:51 AM  
It's just plan bad editing when you can derive the whole story from the headline. Could they have made it any longer?
 
2012-06-09 10:33:24 AM  
Did he finish?
 
2012-06-09 11:45:45 AM  
I don't think I've ever seen a cylindrical cranium before.
 
2012-06-09 11:46:55 AM  
What's worse than being high on drugs and plowing your car into a crime scene? Being high on drugs while masturbating and plowing your car into a crime scene.

How about texting while doing all the above?
 
2012-06-09 11:48:08 AM  
I don't know it seems to me that this might lead to a more intense climax. I will need some volunteers to participate in a study on this matter.
 
2012-06-09 11:48:10 AM  

dickfreckle: /ah, damn the car wasn't stolen
//sorry, I just assumed

A man who was intoxicated and masturbating to pornography when he drove a stolen car through the crime scene tape surrounding the homicide of a teen-age boy last year will not have to register as a sex offender.


You were right the first time.
 
2012-06-09 11:50:12 AM  
"You caught me red-handed."

the guy goes with fury
 
2012-06-09 11:51:24 AM  
I'm hoping someone else will post the cartoon character he looks like.

/can't remember the name
 
2012-06-09 11:52:04 AM  
profile.ak.fbcdn.net

Looks like the bastard son of Baron von Raschke.
 
2012-06-09 11:53:24 AM  

Gergesa: I don't know it seems to me that this might lead to a more intense climax. I will need some volunteers to participate in a study on this matter.


Is this auto-erotic asphyxiation?
 
2012-06-09 11:54:25 AM  
 
2012-06-09 11:55:45 AM  
No happy ending for him.
 
2012-06-09 11:56:12 AM  
i106.photobucket.com
 
2012-06-09 11:56:15 AM  
Here he is in happier times:

www.wildsoundmovies.com
 
2012-06-09 11:58:10 AM  
The Aristocrats!
 
2012-06-09 11:58:33 AM  
Actually, out of the two options, that sounds like the best one
 
2012-06-09 12:00:24 PM  
Well, at least he got to plow SOMETHING.
 
2012-06-09 12:00:54 PM  

Mr. Potatoass: [profile.ak.fbcdn.net image 200x224]

Looks like the bastard son of Baron von Raschke.


Or his brother

www.thedenverchannel.com
 
2012-06-09 12:01:03 PM  
WOW. How LOSER can ya get???????
 
2012-06-09 12:01:06 PM  

vartian: When one of the officers confronted Signalness about his masturbation and the pornography on the front passenger seat, Signalness reportedly replied "You caught me red-handed."

They sure did.


Better red handed than sticky handed. amirite?
 
2012-06-09 12:03:56 PM  
"When you're on your meds and you're off drugs, it's clear to me you're really a decent person,"
 
2012-06-09 12:06:17 PM  

whither_apophis: Gergesa: I don't know it seems to me that this might lead to a more intense climax. I will need some volunteers to participate in a study on this matter.

Is this auto-erotic asphyxiation?


Auto-erotic asphyxiation...of the penis.
 
2012-06-09 12:07:31 PM  

vudukungfu: "When you're on your meds and you're off drugs, it's clear to me you're really a decent person,"


You'd be surprised at how often this is legitimately the case
 
2012-06-09 12:07:52 PM  
I knew this had to be a guy. Women can't drive a stick.
 
2012-06-09 12:07:59 PM  
LIKE A BOSS
 
2012-06-09 12:08:17 PM  

dickfreckle: AbbeySomeone: This makes me feel light hearted for some reason.

Smoking meth and jerking off while stealing a car is as American as Mom and Apple Pie. I wanna see the Norman Rockwell version of it.


To be fair - this isn't that weird for Portland.

/they caught some guy jerking off right outside my building two months ago
//I just assumed he was a Farker
 
2012-06-09 12:08:28 PM  
Worse?... Or better?
 
2012-06-09 12:10:47 PM  
Sometimes you gotta knock one out.
 
2012-06-09 12:13:20 PM  

dstanley: I'm hoping someone else will post the cartoon character he looks like.

/can't remember the name

i1.kym-cdn.com

Ed Finnerty: Did he finish?


It can be difficult, but it's possible to get the job done. Light traffic back roads are the best for....I mean, why do you even need to know that?
 
2012-06-09 12:14:36 PM  
His mugshot, it startled me.
 
2012-06-09 12:16:18 PM  
*checks article*

Whew, not me this time.
 
2012-06-09 12:22:25 PM  
This. Is why Toonses doesn't teach driving on drugs lessons anymore.


i760.photobucket.com
 
2012-06-09 12:28:55 PM  
Whacked out on goofballs.
 
2012-06-09 12:38:55 PM  
Bloody wanker.
 
2012-06-09 12:39:42 PM  

AbbeySomeone: This makes me feel light hearted for some reason.


You miss home? One day we might get our own tag. A green, moss covered tag.
 
2012-06-09 12:41:36 PM  
That guy really knows how to make an entrance.
 
2012-06-09 12:46:41 PM  
vudukungfu:

"When you're on your meds and you're off drugs, it's clear to me you're really a decent person,"

Yup. Take the drugs Society gives you to keep you under control, not the drugs you choose to do because you think it's fun.
 
2012-06-09 12:47:05 PM  
Christ, he looks like a Dick Tracy villain.
 
2012-06-09 12:47:35 PM  
vudukungfu "When you're on your meds and you're off drugs, it's clear to me you're really a decent person,"

Anyone else think this is one of the greatest spoken lines of the 21st Century??

/DUDE, I am so glad you saw this too... did you have to wipe away tears as well?
// dunno if I will ever stop laughing...
 
2012-06-09 12:49:08 PM  
If he came at the very moment that he crashed the car it would've been all worth it. It's not called 'climax' for nothing.

Also, he looks like the guy from Community.
 
2012-06-09 12:51:25 PM  
The 4chan Psychiatrist:

vudukungfu: "When you're on your meds and you're off drugs, it's clear to me you're really a decent person,"

You'd be surprised at how often this is legitimately the case


Yes, I would. Because getting dyskinesia and diabetes from Seroquel is much more decent than jerking off while driving. Think of the children!1!
 
2012-06-09 12:52:51 PM  
racingbitch.files.wordpress.com

Has really fallen on hard times, I guess.
 
2012-06-09 12:53:13 PM  

Porous Horace: If he came at the very moment that he crashed the car it would've been all worth it. It's not called 'climax' for nothing.

Also, he looks like the guy from Community.


Oh yeah? I thought he looked like the guy from The Soup.
 
2012-06-09 12:54:24 PM  

Ed Finnerty: Did he finish?


Jesus man, there are some things you just don't talk about.
 
2012-06-09 12:54:48 PM  
i85.photobucket.com
So, did he cum or what?
 
2012-06-09 12:55:49 PM  
*Shakes fist
/like the guy in the article
 
2012-06-09 12:58:29 PM  

vudukungfu: "When you're on your meds and you're off drugs, it's clear to me you're really a decent person,"


Dude..that is just silly.
 
2012-06-09 01:04:22 PM  

Molavian: Christ, he looks like a Dick Tracy villain.


Looks like they finally brought in Flattop.
images.wikia.com
 
2012-06-09 01:10:55 PM  
Damn, I had to read that twice; I thought I read that wrong.
 
2012-06-09 01:18:37 PM  

TheShavingofOccam123: I knew this had to be a guy. Women can't drive a stick.


I know this is both a double entendre and a troll remark but I'll bite- never owned an automatic in my life. Owned five cars, all manual transmission. I'm a pro with the stick.

/Freudian slip mebbe
 
2012-06-09 01:34:59 PM  

kiwimoogle84: TheShavingofOccam123: I knew this had to be a guy. Women can't drive a stick.

I know this is both a double entendre and a troll remark but I'll bite- never owned an automatic in my life. Owned five cars, all manual transmission. I'm a pro with the stick.

/Freudian slip mebbe


I would love to learn how to drive a stick. Wouldn't mind it being a pickup either.

/just sayin'
 
2012-06-09 01:35:02 PM  
Masturbating to pr0n while driving under the influence of alcohol, pot, AND meth...

The bar has been raised, gentlemen!
 
2012-06-09 01:40:17 PM  

theorellior: I don't think I've ever seen a cylindrical cranium before.


He does look like a "Dick Tracy" villain....
 
2012-06-09 01:41:56 PM  
While I have cigarettes on my front porch, I watch what people are doing in their cars as they drive by. I've seen people drinking beer, smoking pot, and masturbating. But not at the same time, yet.
 
2012-06-09 01:46:02 PM  

The_Sponge: How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink [Link]


TY for that. that's some funny shiat right there.
 
2012-06-09 01:51:08 PM  

MoronLessOff: kiwimoogle84: TheShavingofOccam123: I knew this had to be a guy. Women can't drive a stick.

I know this is both a double entendre and a troll remark but I'll bite- never owned an automatic in my life. Owned five cars, all manual transmission. I'm a pro with the stick.

/Freudian slip mebbe

I would love to learn how to drive a stick. Wouldn't mind it being a pickup either.

/just sayin'


Mine was of necessity. Got a crappy ol' Mazda from my grandpa and it was a stick. Beggars can't be choosers. Since then I've just preferred it.
 
2012-06-09 01:51:48 PM  
davidphogan:

While I have cigarettes on my front porch, I watch what people are doing in their cars as they drive by. I've seen people drinking beer, smoking pot, and masturbating. But not at the same time, yet.

Challenge accepted. As long as you'll let me borrow your car to do it in.

By the way, if you have to go outside to smoke, especially in bad weather, maybe you should quit.
 
2012-06-09 01:54:53 PM  

kiwimoogle84: MoronLessOff: kiwimoogle84: TheShavingofOccam123: I knew this had to be a guy. Women can't drive a stick.

I know this is both a double entendre and a troll remark but I'll bite- never owned an automatic in my life. Owned five cars, all manual transmission. I'm a pro with the stick.

/Freudian slip mebbe

I would love to learn how to drive a stick. Wouldn't mind it being a pickup either.

/just sayin'

Mine was of necessity. Got a crappy ol' Mazda from my grandpa and it was a stick. Beggars can't be choosers. Since then I've just preferred it.


It just seems like it would be more fun. I absolutely love to drive. It seems like being more involved would just enhance the enjoyment I get out of cruising around.
/44 to Springfield is a fun stretch.
 
2012-06-09 01:59:49 PM  
i861.photobucket.com
 
2012-06-09 02:01:37 PM  

TsarTom: [media.oregonlive.com image 480x600]

But he seems like such a nice young man.


I welcome the newest FARK meme.
 
2012-06-09 02:16:11 PM  

The_Sponge: How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink [Link]


From the Linky Goodness

"What I'd really like is a new label. And I'm sure there are a lot of people who feel the same way. We are the Republican Party Reptiles. We look like Republicans, and think like conservatives, but we drive a lot faster and keep vibrators and baby oil and a video camera behind the stack of sweaters on the bedroom closet shelf. I think our agenda is clear. We are opposed to: government spending, Kennedy kids, seat-belt laws, being a pussy about nuclear power, busing our children anywhere other than Yale, trailer courts near our vacation homes, Gary Hart, all tiny Third World countries that don't have banking secrecy laws, aerobics, the U.N., taxation without tax loopholes, and jewelry on men. We are in favor of: guns, drugs, fast cars, free love (if our wives don't find out), a sound dollar, cleaner environment (poor people should cut it out with the graffiti), a strong military with spiffy uniforms, Nastassia Kinski, Star Wars (and anything else that scares the Russkis), and a firm stand on the Middle East (raze buildings, burn crops, plow the earth with salt, and sell the population into bondage).
There are thousands of people in America who feel this way, especially after three or four drinks. If all of us would unite and work together, we could give this country... well, a real bad hangover."

P. J. O'Rourke
Jaffrey, New Hampshire 1986


Oh Hell Yes
 
2012-06-09 02:20:08 PM  
I hear they're doing a new Munsters movie. Put bolts on his neck, and he has the head shape to be Herman.

/don't fap while driving a stick. If you get confused you could really injure yourself
 
2012-06-09 02:22:36 PM  
David Coulthard has let himself go.
 
2012-06-09 02:52:21 PM  

media.oregonlive.com


THEY CALL HIM BLUE BALLS.

 
2012-06-09 02:53:07 PM  
dl.dropbox.com

/Master Control Program lives!
 
2012-06-09 02:53:12 PM  
media.oregonlive.com
"you goin' get masterbated"
 
2012-06-09 02:55:52 PM  
media.oregonlive.comwww.marveldirectory.com
 
2012-06-09 04:10:56 PM  
Whoa. The brain really IS the largest errogenous zone in the body.
 
2012-06-09 04:30:52 PM  

MagSeven: [i85.photobucket.com image 500x250]
So, did he cum or what?


Jesus *Christ*, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!
 
2012-06-09 05:50:30 PM  

Captain Steroid: Masturbating to pr0n while driving under the influence of alcohol, pot, AND meth...

The bar has been raised, gentlemen!


I hope this achievement doesn't go unnoticed. Stolen car was mentioned in the article but might have been a previous offence. Maybe this guy has a bucket list to go with his bucket head. Plus the name Signalness and a face for Fark memes.

Has anyone checked his priors?
 
2012-06-09 06:20:13 PM  
I thought he looked like a true-to-life version of Sideshow Bob

/if he was a ginger, he'd be perfect
//close enough for gov'ment work
 
2012-06-09 06:45:33 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2012-06-09 07:48:31 PM  
At the crime scene, lol

/good tweet, good tweet
 
2012-06-09 07:56:42 PM  

schief2: *checks article*

Whew, not me this time.


Half the headlines from this site have me wondering that.

The other half, Tuesday.
 
2012-06-09 08:11:34 PM  
OHH baby check out his defense lawyer...HOT....she really got him off I bet
 
2012-06-09 08:14:47 PM  
 
2012-06-09 09:10:25 PM  

brap: Whoa. The brain really IS the largest errogenous zone in the body.


In this case it's an erroneous zone.
 
2012-06-09 09:46:40 PM  
With that face, he doesn't *need* to register as a sex offender.
 
2012-06-09 11:28:46 PM  
Um if jacking off in your car while driving is cause for sexual perversity, I'm a pervert a few times a year (at night behind tinted windows, long boring drives).

This is bullshiat that they'd even have to think twice about not making him register.
 
2012-06-10 12:41:32 AM  

T.O. Bigdog: OHH baby check out his defense lawyer...HOT....she really got him off I bet


Eh. Looks like Kristy McNichol forgot to comb her hair before she raided a public defender's wardrobe.
 
2012-06-10 10:17:06 AM  
media.oregonlive.com
Specifically...

* Drunk
* while high on meth
* while stoned on pot
* while masturbating to porn
* while driving a stolen car
* while crashing through a police murder investigation.

But hey, at least he's not a sex offender.
 
2012-06-10 12:13:32 PM  
Masturbating doesn't make things worse, subby. It makes things better.
 
2012-06-10 12:42:03 PM  

Ball Zitch: Masturbating doesn't make things worse, subby. It makes things better.


Not on the It's A Small World ride.
 
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