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(Oregon Live)   What's worse than being high on drugs and plowing your car into a crime scene? Being high on drugs while masturbating and plowing your car into a crime scene   (oregonlive.com) divider line 90
    More: Fail, car thief, sex offenders, sex crimes, Judge Michael McShane  
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7637 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Jun 2012 at 11:41 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-06-09 03:16:15 AM  
media.oregonlive.com

But he seems like such a nice young man.
 
2012-06-09 03:33:29 AM  
When one of the officers confronted Signalness about his masturbation and the pornography on the front passenger seat, Signalness reportedly replied "You caught me red-handed."

They sure did.
 
2012-06-09 03:43:06 AM  
Son of Frankenstein?
 
2012-06-09 03:45:03 AM  
That's not even a fivehead, that's like a twelvehead.
 
2012-06-09 06:30:10 AM  
This makes me feel light hearted for some reason.
 
2012-06-09 08:34:42 AM  

AbbeySomeone: This makes me feel light hearted for some reason.


Smoking meth and jerking off while stealing a car is as American as Mom and Apple Pie. I wanna see the Norman Rockwell version of it.
 
2012-06-09 08:35:45 AM  
/ah, damn the car wasn't stolen
//sorry, I just assumed
 
2012-06-09 09:38:51 AM  
It's just plan bad editing when you can derive the whole story from the headline. Could they have made it any longer?
 
2012-06-09 10:33:24 AM  
Did he finish?
 
2012-06-09 11:45:45 AM  
I don't think I've ever seen a cylindrical cranium before.
 
2012-06-09 11:46:55 AM  
What's worse than being high on drugs and plowing your car into a crime scene? Being high on drugs while masturbating and plowing your car into a crime scene.

How about texting while doing all the above?
 
2012-06-09 11:48:08 AM  
I don't know it seems to me that this might lead to a more intense climax. I will need some volunteers to participate in a study on this matter.
 
2012-06-09 11:48:10 AM  

dickfreckle: /ah, damn the car wasn't stolen
//sorry, I just assumed

A man who was intoxicated and masturbating to pornography when he drove a stolen car through the crime scene tape surrounding the homicide of a teen-age boy last year will not have to register as a sex offender.


You were right the first time.
 
2012-06-09 11:50:12 AM  
"You caught me red-handed."

the guy goes with fury
 
2012-06-09 11:51:24 AM  
I'm hoping someone else will post the cartoon character he looks like.

/can't remember the name
 
2012-06-09 11:52:04 AM  
profile.ak.fbcdn.net

Looks like the bastard son of Baron von Raschke.
 
2012-06-09 11:53:24 AM  

Gergesa: I don't know it seems to me that this might lead to a more intense climax. I will need some volunteers to participate in a study on this matter.


Is this auto-erotic asphyxiation?
 
2012-06-09 11:54:25 AM  
 
2012-06-09 11:55:45 AM  
No happy ending for him.
 
2012-06-09 11:56:12 AM  
i106.photobucket.com
 
2012-06-09 11:56:15 AM  
Here he is in happier times:

www.wildsoundmovies.com
 
2012-06-09 11:58:10 AM  
The Aristocrats!
 
2012-06-09 11:58:33 AM  
Actually, out of the two options, that sounds like the best one
 
2012-06-09 12:00:24 PM  
Well, at least he got to plow SOMETHING.
 
2012-06-09 12:00:54 PM  

Mr. Potatoass: [profile.ak.fbcdn.net image 200x224]

Looks like the bastard son of Baron von Raschke.


Or his brother

www.thedenverchannel.com
 
2012-06-09 12:01:03 PM  
WOW. How LOSER can ya get???????
 
2012-06-09 12:01:06 PM  

vartian: When one of the officers confronted Signalness about his masturbation and the pornography on the front passenger seat, Signalness reportedly replied "You caught me red-handed."

They sure did.


Better red handed than sticky handed. amirite?
 
2012-06-09 12:03:56 PM  
"When you're on your meds and you're off drugs, it's clear to me you're really a decent person,"
 
2012-06-09 12:06:17 PM  

whither_apophis: Gergesa: I don't know it seems to me that this might lead to a more intense climax. I will need some volunteers to participate in a study on this matter.

Is this auto-erotic asphyxiation?


Auto-erotic asphyxiation...of the penis.
 
2012-06-09 12:07:31 PM  

vudukungfu: "When you're on your meds and you're off drugs, it's clear to me you're really a decent person,"


You'd be surprised at how often this is legitimately the case
 
2012-06-09 12:07:52 PM  
I knew this had to be a guy. Women can't drive a stick.
 
2012-06-09 12:07:59 PM  
LIKE A BOSS
 
2012-06-09 12:08:17 PM  

dickfreckle: AbbeySomeone: This makes me feel light hearted for some reason.

Smoking meth and jerking off while stealing a car is as American as Mom and Apple Pie. I wanna see the Norman Rockwell version of it.


To be fair - this isn't that weird for Portland.

/they caught some guy jerking off right outside my building two months ago
//I just assumed he was a Farker
 
2012-06-09 12:08:28 PM  
Worse?... Or better?
 
2012-06-09 12:10:47 PM  
Sometimes you gotta knock one out.
 
2012-06-09 12:13:20 PM  

dstanley: I'm hoping someone else will post the cartoon character he looks like.

/can't remember the name

i1.kym-cdn.com

Ed Finnerty: Did he finish?


It can be difficult, but it's possible to get the job done. Light traffic back roads are the best for....I mean, why do you even need to know that?
 
2012-06-09 12:14:36 PM  
His mugshot, it startled me.
 
2012-06-09 12:16:18 PM  
*checks article*

Whew, not me this time.
 
2012-06-09 12:22:25 PM  
This. Is why Toonses doesn't teach driving on drugs lessons anymore.


i760.photobucket.com
 
2012-06-09 12:28:55 PM  
Whacked out on goofballs.
 
2012-06-09 12:38:55 PM  
Bloody wanker.
 
2012-06-09 12:39:42 PM  

AbbeySomeone: This makes me feel light hearted for some reason.


You miss home? One day we might get our own tag. A green, moss covered tag.
 
2012-06-09 12:41:36 PM  
That guy really knows how to make an entrance.
 
2012-06-09 12:46:41 PM  
vudukungfu:

"When you're on your meds and you're off drugs, it's clear to me you're really a decent person,"

Yup. Take the drugs Society gives you to keep you under control, not the drugs you choose to do because you think it's fun.
 
2012-06-09 12:47:05 PM  
Christ, he looks like a Dick Tracy villain.
 
2012-06-09 12:47:35 PM  
vudukungfu "When you're on your meds and you're off drugs, it's clear to me you're really a decent person,"

Anyone else think this is one of the greatest spoken lines of the 21st Century??

/DUDE, I am so glad you saw this too... did you have to wipe away tears as well?
// dunno if I will ever stop laughing...
 
2012-06-09 12:49:08 PM  
If he came at the very moment that he crashed the car it would've been all worth it. It's not called 'climax' for nothing.

Also, he looks like the guy from Community.
 
2012-06-09 12:51:25 PM  
The 4chan Psychiatrist:

vudukungfu: "When you're on your meds and you're off drugs, it's clear to me you're really a decent person,"

You'd be surprised at how often this is legitimately the case


Yes, I would. Because getting dyskinesia and diabetes from Seroquel is much more decent than jerking off while driving. Think of the children!1!
 
2012-06-09 12:52:51 PM  
racingbitch.files.wordpress.com

Has really fallen on hard times, I guess.
 
2012-06-09 12:53:13 PM  

Porous Horace: If he came at the very moment that he crashed the car it would've been all worth it. It's not called 'climax' for nothing.

Also, he looks like the guy from Community.


Oh yeah? I thought he looked like the guy from The Soup.
 
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