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(Mandatory)   "Chivalry isn't dead, you stupid biatch" and 50 other funniest tweets of all time   (mandatory.com) divider line 275
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37030 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Jun 2012 at 1:55 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-06-01 05:03:19 PM
omeganuepsilon

No, that'd be the guy butting into the conversation between two other people calling them both wrong, because, like, it's "pretentious" for others to compare notes that you don't agree with and need to get all defensive about.

A and B conversation?
 
2012-06-01 05:09:16 PM
meh.
 
2012-06-01 05:12:04 PM
I am a humor hipster. These tweets are a waste if my time. Twitter is so mainstream. The Aristocrats.
 
2012-06-01 05:15:09 PM
www.blogcdn.com

Lol.
 
2012-06-01 05:19:54 PM
No. The greatest tweet I have ever seen is the following:

Billy Kirkwood @billykirkwood

Just saw a tramp tell a puddle to "coont off!" I love Glasgow *singsflowerofscotlandholdingbacktears*
 
2012-06-01 05:25:02 PM

Mikey1969: Guys, we are surrounded by some truly superior creatures, they may be the next evolutionary step of man. You can easily identify them because they are too "cultured" have even grinned at any of those tweets. If you show this to anyone in your office or your family and they find them to be "not funny", I suggest that you immediately bow down, because these are your new overlords.

/ I, for one, welcome our snarky overlords...


This. The hipster-douche is strong in this thread.
 
2012-06-01 05:26:12 PM

moops: Don't forget these

[i140.photobucket.com image 556x668]

[cdn2.holytaco.com image 400x486]


now THOSE are funny. i really laughed hard at them.

/+1
 
2012-06-01 05:26:47 PM
I clicked on all 5 pages of the article, logged in to fark, read a bunch of comments, then took the time to right my own comment about something I found meaningless and unenjoyable. There's a feeling for it, but you've all probably never heard of it, it's pretty obscure.
 
2012-06-01 05:27:13 PM

Soup4Bonnie: [cafewitteveen.files.wordpress.com image 601x375]


i.imgur.com
 
2012-06-01 05:28:41 PM

GavinTheAlmighty: Ken Jennings has posted quite a few funny gems in his time.


Seconded. He also has a pretty decent blog. Considering he's a Mormon family man, computer science geek, and Monkey King of the Jeopardy! Trivia Nerds, Ken actually comes off as a pretty funny and down-to-earth guy in real life.
 
2012-06-01 05:30:09 PM
Chivalry was never even alive. Here, let Terry Jones (From Monty Python) school you on it.
Pay attention, class...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhWFQtzM4r0
 
2012-06-01 05:39:19 PM

BigLuca: Mikey1969: Guys, we are surrounded by some truly superior creatures, they may be the next evolutionary step of man. You can easily identify them because they are too "cultured" have even grinned at any of those tweets. If you show this to anyone in your office or your family and they find them to be "not funny", I suggest that you immediately bow down, because these are your new overlords.

/ I, for one, welcome our snarky overlords...

This. The hipster-douche is strong in this thread.


You feel about this thread how I felt about those comments so I guess we're pretty much the same.
 
2012-06-01 05:45:39 PM

mcwehrle: sure haven't:

'sup.

*ppsh*

There's some ham sammiches and cookies in the other cooler. Damn kids anyway.


Been hot, ain't it?


Yep.


images.buddytv.com
 
2012-06-01 06:06:14 PM

Mugato: I read a lot of those in Mitch Hedberg's voice.


That must be why none of those were funny to me, Hedberg always sounded like a stoner trying too hard to be funny.
 
2012-06-01 06:06:51 PM

TrainingWheelsNeeded: TheDumbBlonde: "Rap Math: I need to pour out 40 oz to honor a fallen hommie, but I only have 12 oz cans. How many cans will I need to mourn properly? Show your work."

zero, you only have to pour out a drink not the whole beer.


but the question specifies that you have to pour 40oz. it doesnt ask if thats the accepted norm or what the correct amount is.


/guy walks into a bar and says "ow".
 
2012-06-01 06:09:43 PM
The ukulele one is bugging me. It starts with a vowel sound, so it should be "an", but that just sounds completely wrong.
 
2012-06-01 06:12:32 PM
I went in with low expectations. I was pleasantly surprised.
 
2012-06-01 06:13:09 PM

Fish in a Barrel: The ukulele one is bugging me. It starts with a vowel sound, so it should be "an", but that just sounds completely wrong.


Wait... it starts with a "y" sound, not a "u" sound. Crisis resolved.
 
2012-06-01 06:14:12 PM

steamingpile: Mugato: I read a lot of those in Mitch Hedberg's voice.

That must be why none of those were funny to me, Hedberg always sounded like a stoner trying too hard to be funny.


He wasn't a stoner, show some respect. He was a heroine addict.
 
2012-06-01 06:26:02 PM

MaxxLarge: Whoa. What the hell, internet? The vast majority of those actually WERE funny.

If I actually have to start believing headlines, I'm not gonna have any way of knowing what's real, anymore.


How can this be funny? There's no LOLcats in it.
 
2012-06-01 06:30:18 PM

mcwehrle: YOU just got funny click'd......


Aww! Thanks!

Mugato: He wasn't a stoner, show some respect. He was a heroine addict.


Can't blame him. I heard he was a Wonder Woman man, but for me it's all She Hulk all the time.
 
2012-06-01 06:37:02 PM
www.blogcdn.com

so many good ones
 
2012-06-01 06:41:14 PM

James_Corn: "Pretty sure the lead actress from 'Precious' has a twin sister that works at every Wendy's I've ever been to" lmfao

if you didn't laugh at that one, you're dead inside.



That one got the biggest laugh from me, too.

Noticed lot's of Mitch Hedberg influence in these Tweets, even if the authors didn't realize it. Good stuff.
 
2012-06-01 06:42:11 PM
Meh. Maybe 10 of these were original, and of those only a couple were funny.
 
2012-06-01 06:48:26 PM

Maud Dib: mcwehrle: sure haven't:

'sup.

*ppsh*

There's some ham sammiches and cookies in the other cooler. Damn kids anyway.


Been hot, ain't it?

Yep.


That is perfect!!!

/not a hipster
//just old, and I admit it
///my parents didn't find lots of my OMG FUNNY shiat funny
////tis all good
//SLASHIES!!!
 
2012-06-01 06:50:30 PM

Pyynk: mcwehrle: YOU just got funny click'd......

Aww! Thanks!

Mugato: He wasn't a stoner, show some respect. He was a heroine addict.

Can't blame him. I heard he was a Wonder Woman man, but for me it's all She Hulk all the time.


:) he's a darn good actor, but his cocaine fueled early '70's shiat was pretty damn good too!

Happy Friday!
 
2012-06-01 06:54:19 PM

INeedAName: BigLuca: Mikey1969: Guys, we are surrounded by some truly superior creatures, they may be the next evolutionary step of man. You can easily identify them because they are too "cultured" have even grinned at any of those tweets. If you show this to anyone in your office or your family and they find them to be "not funny", I suggest that you immediately bow down, because these are your new overlords.

/ I, for one, welcome our snarky overlords...

This. The hipster-douche is strong in this thread.

You feel about this thread how I felt about those comments so I guess we're pretty much the same.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

/might be an age thing
 
2012-06-01 07:04:22 PM

omeganuepsilon: Any way you want to spin it, they're really not all that refined.


Oh so dane cook fans?

Mugato: He wasn't a stoner, show some respect. He was a heroine addict.


I know what he was, I just said what I thought he was trying to be, are you stoned right now?

Either way, he wasnt funny.
 
2012-06-01 07:13:59 PM
The 'poor people' tweet is so freakin funny
 
2012-06-01 07:24:30 PM

steamingpile: omeganuepsilon: Any way you want to spin it, they're really not all that refined.

Oh so dane cook fans?


Heh. I actually cracked a smile at that.
/honestly haven't seen Dane Cook though, aside from very small snippets
//will youtube later just to be sure he's as bad as his rep
 
2012-06-01 07:28:59 PM
www.myfacewhen.net

Some people find certain things humorous, while others may not.
 
2012-06-01 07:30:31 PM
Justin @shiatmydadsays

"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

/not a twitter follower but found Justin's Dad quite entertaining...
 
2012-06-01 07:45:42 PM
It's rare to see this much hate outside of a tipping thread.

I thought some were funny, and some weren't. If you disagree, sucks for you.
 
2012-06-01 08:02:15 PM
How come nobody is ever confused because Krusty the Klown and Mr. Teeny are both apes?
 
2012-06-01 08:08:18 PM

omeganuepsilon: steamingpile: omeganuepsilon: Any way you want to spin it, they're really not all that refined.

Oh so dane cook fans?

Heh. I actually cracked a smile at that.
/honestly haven't seen Dane Cook though, aside from very small snippets
//will youtube later just to be sure he's as bad as his rep


*stumbles in, obviously shocked

FOR GOD'S SAKE IF YOU BEGIN TO WONDER IF DANE COOK IS AS BAD AS EVERYONE SAYS HE IS, JUST DO NOT DO IT, DON'T GO WATCH SOME OF HIS ACT. SAVE YOURSELF AND MOVE ON.

*shudders*

To answer your question.
Yeah, Dane Cook fans indeed.
Well, if nothing else, I have an urge to go void my bowels now. Sickened that people pay money to go see that act. Are his fans the same people that watch Jersey Shore or are on the show? Screw Idiocracy, these people will bring about the idiopocalypse.

IF these people fall any further back down the ladder they'd be fans of Toddlers and Tiaras or be the subject of those Hoarders shows.

*shudders agian*
 
2012-06-01 08:10:14 PM

susansto-helit: [www.blogcdn.com image 432x167]

I almost hacked up a lung.


I want to have her baby.
 
2012-06-01 08:11:45 PM
1. It's "a ukulele" because Americans pronounce it "Yoo koo lay lee" .... A Hawaiian should say "an oo-koo-lay-lay". Same with "uke".

2. You only have to pour out the first shot (or a long splash) for your dead homies, stupid. They're dead. It's not like they're going to kick your ass for being stingy. The shot is purely symbolic, like a toast or an offering to the spirits of the dead. Ghosts don't guzzle, except maybe in Ghostbuster movies.
 
2012-06-01 08:16:52 PM

Three Crooked Squirrels: I didn't laugh once. Apparently since you all did, I am dead inside. But that still doesn't change the fact that I didn't laugh once.


So, apparently you are a prostitute.
 
2012-06-01 08:16:53 PM
www.blogcdn.com
snrk
 
2012-06-01 08:26:30 PM

The Muthaship: scalpod: I can't wait to read the other 48 side-splittingly hilarious reactions from those who didn't find them all that funny.

GREAT STUFF! KEEP 'EM COMING!!!

We need the "Stop liking things I don't like!" junior chess master pic.


Brilliant! Exactly as I predicted. Thanks for contributing.
 
2012-06-01 08:42:42 PM

9Speed: violentsalvation: [i798.photobucket.com image 432x148]

That one cracked me up.

Love how wigger boys be talking like dey right outa da hood.


Duuuuuddde. It's Wegro
 
2012-06-01 09:43:12 PM

harbingerofdoom: /guy walks into a bar and says "ow".


i've always liked that one.

/Skeleton walks into a bar: 'I'll have a beer and a mop'
 
2012-06-01 09:55:54 PM
I'm shocked this one isn't posted yet... of course only people who knew the back story behind this one cracked up at it...

blogs-images.forbes.com
 
2012-06-01 10:04:44 PM

LtDarkstar: I'm shocked this one isn't posted yet... of course only people who knew the back story behind this one cracked up at it...

[blogs-images.forbes.com image 640x359]


Whoa Geico used a Penny Arcade reference to woo a single customer on the internet? That is pretty freaking sweet
 
2012-06-01 10:21:43 PM
A few of those were snerk worthy.

Nice find, subby.
 
2012-06-01 10:49:46 PM
Ha. Ha. Ha.

i306.photobucket.com
 
2012-06-01 11:34:57 PM
OK, so now I have read this both sober and drunk, and still haven't found a damn thing funny about these tweets. I guess that is why they call people who use twitter "twats".
 
2012-06-01 11:46:38 PM
Some people didn't find any of these funny.
They are the sort of people with whom I would not like to hang out.
 
2012-06-01 11:58:45 PM

Three Crooked Squirrels: I didn't laugh once. Apparently since you all did, I am dead inside. But that still doesn't change the fact that I didn't laugh once.


I'm with you brother. Obtuse and contrived. The all seemed forced, like a never ending Jay Leno bit.
 
2012-06-02 01:11:53 AM
NO DRIL?! seriously?
 
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