SmellsLikePoo: Strategeryz0r: SmellsLikePoo: Strategeryz0r: Hey...

I called dibs first!

I'll take care of your delicious wife ;)

Well..

She is tastey, but she's kind of a prude too. Been trying to figure out how to break her of that for eons now. Just when I think things will improve, she reverts right back to her prudeyness.

I hear ya. I'm married to a lovely lass, that when the mood strikes is tons of fun,etc,etc... but that prudish streak is there. I'm sure her religious upbringing has something to do with it.

/sharing in public is fun!

Somewhat religious upbringing, deadbeat dad who left her/her mom, abusive past with boyfriends. Basically she's a trifecta of male trust issues. She lightens up, then freaks out.

then lightens up
then freaks out.

it's a revolving door of tolerable insanity most days.

Though we've breached the "we should get a divorce" threshold a couple of times. Yet my stupid sense of obligation keeps dragging me back.

Kazrath: miss marla singer: Let's see a few reasons I had...

- Was a drug addict/alcoholic that stole my money and spent it on drugs/booze when I was supporting us both, making $8.00 an hour. Kicked him out, he's dead now.
- I met someone else.
- There was no "spark".
- Super boring in bed. Made no noise and didn't like when I did either.
- Found out he was scamming money out of the state for "disability" for a "mental handicap" that he was then spending on alcohol.
- Stopped being attracted to him and hadn't had sex in 5 months.

I think those are all okay reasons.

Wow, you have some serious issues lady. That is pretty consistent pick of the same looser. You really need to try to date someone you don't immediately find attractive. I would be willing to bet they do not turn out to be a criminal/alcoholic.

Uh, right. THanks for the advice (that I already stated myself...).

Finger51: She tried giving me syphilis by wiping her cock on my sandwich.

Congrats, I'm pretty sure that's the first SPK reference I've seen on fark.

Rightfully obscure, too.

crzybtch: Strategeryz0r: crzybtch: My face is turning red telling this story, but here goes....

So I am a creative type, make things out of clay, draw, paint, yada, yada.

Give me any kind of task and my creativity just comes pouring out of nowhere.

So....it was that time of the month (sorry, I never could have sex during that time...blech) and boyfriend was all horny so I decided to give him a creative massage. Well...I worked Mr. Willie 18 kinda ways and then some. Later the guy broke up with me and I really had no idea why. I mean I thought we were really compatable?!

Found out from one of his friends later that he thought I was a "professional" because of the creative hand job!!

Was okay though because the next boyfriend thought I was a goddess because of the same art. He always told me I should teach a class! hahaha

You may not be a professional...

But would you like to be? You have piqued my curiosity madame.

Don't tempt me!!!

A. I am probably old enough to be your Mother (shame on you young man!)
B. I come with enough baggage to fill an airport
C. You would probably end up like the last guy, you never want to do me because you can't quit begging for an another hand job.

A) And? I like older women with the appropriate look.

B) Sweet, that's how I like em. Emotionally and morally damaged!

c) Nah, I promise!

sycraft: SweetSilverBlues: 1. Don't be embarrassed.

2. Dude who broke up with you is a farking MORAN and will end up marrying someone frigid. Because that way he knows they're pure.

Never got the obsession with purity. I want a dirty girl who knows what she wants and can show me all sorts of cool shiat. Yes that is going to mean she's been with many other guys. Why would that bother me in the slightest?

WORD.

It's even fine she's openly non-monogamous when we're dating, as long as she doesn't insist on a threesome with some guy or gal I can't stand. A good way to get on my bad side is to insult my woman for getting around, even when I'm not her "primary."

I remember being very relieved when I dated my first woman who did what "normal" guys are expected to do. What's good for the gander is good for the goose.

And, like, I'm old as the hills now but if any hot fartkettes might have something new to show me...

I came out of the bathroom and she had run to her car and driven off.

Jocundry:

I've also never been pregnant

Me neither.

I was dating a girl on the weekends when i came home to San Diego from where I was stationed. I broke up with her because in one week she had moved to Oxnard and married some guy. Reason enough?

A list of reasons I ended it.

His name was Scott. My ex was named Scott and I shuddered every time I said his name.

He was a PETA member.

He chewed with his mouth open.

He was an asshole to the waitress.

He wanted to marry me...not for me but because he wanted to live in the country.

He wouldn't spank me.

namegoeshere: Then she tells me she expects a good morning text, a good night text, and a couple of "whatcha doin?" texts throughout the day

Cool. shoot me her contact info.
I don't have a cell phone. I'll just hit it and quit it.

AllUpInYa:

Psycho (5'4", 100lb and SPLITS a cast iron skillet open during an argument) big-breased (real), bi-sexual, Chinese girl who spent at least an hour a day, talking to her mother. The worst part was that she had this soft voice that would get high-pitched, like a little girl's, during sex ... made it tough to maintain an erection without feeling creepy as hell about myself.

Send her here. I'm hard of hearing, especially on the high "like a little girl's" end.

She was cheating on me, tried to have me murdered, stole my truck and destroyed my finances.

/remarried now to the fun kind of crazy

wynper: He wouldn't spank me.

Line starts here. I'm first!

busy chillin': crzybtch
C. You would probably end up like the last guy, you never want to do me because you can't quit begging for an another hand job.


Sandy? More like Handy, amirite?

/come on....everyone clicked your profile.

Beat me to it!

Since you're a dude.. HIGH FIVE!

ihatedumbpeople: The One True TheDavid: ihatedumbpeople:

my wife is a prude and sucks in bed.

Did you know this before you married her? If so, why did you?

I lived with a chick for 9 years because she'd have made a good sister. But then I'm mentally ill.

nah, actually before we got married she was completely different.

Since then she's actually admitted she put up a front to lure me in. Just about the time I was ready to bolt, she got preggars because she let her pill prescrip lapse without telling me.

All that's grounds for murder in my book.


/kids are the best thing though, only reason it's all worth it.

"I love children. Boiled."

honeygrl: Oh I also went on a date with a guy who managed to say the word "titties" at least 50 times throughout the date. There was not a second date.

wow, if you couldn't keep a creep like that attracted enough to you in order for him to ask for a second date, I need to know... What did *you* do wrong?

umad:

I guess we are all supposed to be bisexual these days in order to remain politically correct.

No no no. Just don't be a homophobic asshole, is all.

Let's see ... stupid reason to break up with someone...

I broke up with my high school sweetheart a month after she graduated. I made her choose between me and her drug-addict friends.

She chose to get high instead of showing up for our (last) date.

vudukungfu: Too hairy?

Dated a CIA agent in the 70s like that, and made her wear Kashmir leg warmers when we did it. She took me around the world, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.


I have 20 upfront questions that need to be asked before the first date, and guarantee I won't get stuck in a sticky thing with a crazy one.
But most biatches get to running at question 3, 7 or 9.
3 being do you have any STDs?
7 being the degree of kink I can expect,
and 9, well, forget it, I'm not putting #9 out there for your ridicule, you'll be pissed enough I demand satisfaction on 3 and 7 first.

Biatches be cruel.

Why would you ask about #3? Are you collecting them or something?

Hot Blue Chip Guy:

When I was 30, I dated a girl twice who was 23. I went to pick her up for a dinner date, and she was wearing her HS PROM DRESS... Weird man!

I only fit into mine once.

Can #1 include Jesus as the proverbial "Someone else"?

Because that bastard has ruined more relationships than any other reason.

Link

thetubameister: SundaesChild: His favorite band was Skinny Puppy, he was a frat boy, and the first and only time we had sex he prematurely ejaculated and that was it for that guy.

That's a compliment unless he couldn't keep going... The band/frat thing, however...

He didn't keep going.

she made the room smell like a burned out clutch...

Jadedgrl: I once got dumped from a guy who complained I wanted to blow him too often.
Any guy I've told about that looks absolutely befuddled.
Then he proceeded to date a friend of mine who was an ugly man stealer, and she eventually had to have surgery because her vagina was the size of a Chinese finger trap. Like she practically had nothing there.
And of course, eventually pleaded with me to take him back once he realized what an idiot he is.

/ah, high school relationships
//engaged now, fiancée has no problem with excessive BJing

Is he the excessively jealous type?

RangerTaylor: blueyd1: We were at a dance club with a group of friends. He was with his buddies at the bar while I was dancing with all the girlfriends. No funny business, nothing risque, just fun dancing.

He called me over, leaned in to give me a kiss and stabbed my lip with the toothpick he had hidden in his mouth. As I'm grasping my bleeding lip/gum, he whispers, "That's for dancing like a whore so that my friends would watch you."

I broke his nose, he got kicked out and I went back to dancing. :-)

Wow, he sounds like a real winner. Did he get back on the plane to Tehran and/or Pennsyltucky?

Yeah, he was a real charmer. He claimed he was from Chicago, but I'm thinking his roots lay in Pennsyltucky. Thankfully it was only our third date that his craziness made an appearance, so I didn't waste too much time with him. Farking psycho.

URAPNIS: What. The. Fark?
Those were my exact words right before I clocked him.

AllUpInYa:

Because sex was a REALLY weird experience, with this young (like a child's) voice making exclamations with every thrust.
I would have needed psycho-therapy to continue with that.

"Wipe your bloody dick off on its teddy bear."


Do Fark comments ever get deleted?

wynper: A list of reasons I ended it.

His name was Scott. My ex was named Scott and I shuddered every time I said his name.

He was a PETA member.

He chewed with his mouth open.

He was an asshole to the waitress.

He wanted to marry me...not for me but because he wanted to live in the country.

He wouldn't spank me.

All perfectly crommulent reasons,my dear.
Come sit on uncle vudu's lap and tell me how I can make you feel better.

One girl went into the bathroom to "freshen up" I went in after to take a dump. She left a log in there I would have been proud of. I don't know why I couldn't go through with it.
We got together a few months later and right after sleeping with her she got a call from her parents, they got too drunk and needed a ride. We pulled up to the bar just in time to watch her dad fall off the balcony crack his skull open and spill his brains, yes really.

ihatedumbpeople: namegoeshere: ihatedumbpeople: namegoeshere: lennavan: namegoeshere: Then she tells me she expects a good morning text, a good night text, and a couple of "whatcha doin?" texts throughout the day.

Your friend has emotional baggage/attachment/daddy issues.

namegoeshere: The first few dates go well, then he backs way off.

Sounds like it only takes the guys a few dates to figure it out.

I thought that sounded off. I wish I could think of a tactful way to tell her to tone it down and spare her some heartache.

ihatedumbpeople: me personally, i'd be enamored if a girl sent me a few texts per day asking how I was doing...Maybe they're bored and what to chat, maybe they're checking up on you...who cares.

Are you single? Because I've got this friend you should meet...

Is your friend hot? I can be single in about 6 months.

Why six months?

sorry...that was a "that's how long your average divorce takes to complete" joke a lot of folks probably didn't get. ;-)

Duh... yeah, that makes sense. I was going with,"I would never break up with her while she's pregnant. That would be rude!"

I broke up with one ex-girlfriend because:

1) She was not only vegan but also deathly allergic to dairy and nuts. It was impossible to go out to dinner with her and she would be embarrassing loud about how she couldn't eat anything.

2) She shaved her hoo-ha clean but refused to shave her armpit hair.

3) She ejaculated when she had an orgasm. At first I didn't mind but it just got to be too much and the bed would be soaked all night so we ended up only doing it on the floor or in the shower which leads to the last reason...

4) Once in the shower she asked me to pee on her face and then stick it in her pooper.

namegoeshere: ihatedumbpeople: namegoeshere: ihatedumbpeople: namegoeshere: lennavan: namegoeshere: Then she tells me she expects a good morning text, a good night text, and a couple of "whatcha doin?" texts throughout the day.

Your friend has emotional baggage/attachment/daddy issues.

namegoeshere: The first few dates go well, then he backs way off.

Sounds like it only takes the guys a few dates to figure it out.

I thought that sounded off. I wish I could think of a tactful way to tell her to tone it down and spare her some heartache.

ihatedumbpeople: me personally, i'd be enamored if a girl sent me a few texts per day asking how I was doing...Maybe they're bored and what to chat, maybe they're checking up on you...who cares.

Are you single? Because I've got this friend you should meet...

Is your friend hot? I can be single in about 6 months.

Why six months?

sorry...that was a "that's how long your average divorce takes to complete" joke a lot of folks probably didn't get. ;-)

Duh... yeah, that makes sense. I was going with,"I would never break up with her while she's pregnant. That would be rude!"

I got his joke with the divorce angle the first time I read it. But your interpretation is much more hilarious.

lennavan: namegoeshere: ihatedumbpeople: namegoeshere: ihatedumbpeople: namegoeshere: lennavan: namegoeshere: Then she tells me she expects a good morning text, a good night text, and a couple of "whatcha doin?" texts throughout the day.

Your friend has emotional baggage/attachment/daddy issues.

namegoeshere: The first few dates go well, then he backs way off.

Sounds like it only takes the guys a few dates to figure it out.

I thought that sounded off. I wish I could think of a tactful way to tell her to tone it down and spare her some heartache.

ihatedumbpeople: me personally, i'd be enamored if a girl sent me a few texts per day asking how I was doing...Maybe they're bored and what to chat, maybe they're checking up on you...who cares.

Are you single? Because I've got this friend you should meet...

Is your friend hot? I can be single in about 6 months.

Why six months?

sorry...that was a "that's how long your average divorce takes to complete" joke a lot of folks probably didn't get. ;-)

Duh... yeah, that makes sense. I was going with,"I would never break up with her while she's pregnant. That would be rude!"

I got his joke with the divorce angle the first time I read it. But your interpretation is much more hilarious.

yeah, though 9 months would have made it more obvious.

Sewer-Mouth.

Everytime we made out it was like something crawled into my mouth and died. It would take forever for the smell to go away, even after multiple tooth scrubbing and mouthwash sessions.

Nice guy, but I had to dump him before the rot migrated permanently into my own mouth.

These are just 10 different ways of saying "I'm not in love with you."

One girl I dated had a foot 1 shoe size larger than the other... that was a strange deal breaker for me.

I was interested in a girl in university until I found out her name was Patty. What a terrible name, its such a boner killer just saying it. My fiancee's name is Madonna. Although I felt like a deranged celebrity stalker when I first told coworkers I was going on a date with Madonna, it does add to her hotness factor. Patty, despite being a cute girl, does the opposite.

crzybtch: Strategeryz0r: crzybtch: Strategeryz0r: crzybtch: My face is turning red telling this story, but here goes....

So I am a creative type, make things out of clay, draw, paint, yada, yada.

Give me any kind of task and my creativity just comes pouring out of nowhere.

So....it was that time of the month (sorry, I never could have sex during that time...blech) and boyfriend was all horny so I decided to give him a creative massage. Well...I worked Mr. Willie 18 kinda ways and then some. Later the guy broke up with me and I really had no idea why. I mean I thought we were really compatable?!

Found out from one of his friends later that he thought I was a "professional" because of the creative hand job!!

Was okay though because the next boyfriend thought I was a goddess because of the same art. He always told me I should teach a class! hahaha

You may not be a professional...

But would you like to be? You have piqued my curiosity madame.

Don't tempt me!!!

A. I am probably old enough to be your Mother (shame on you young man!)
B. I come with enough baggage to fill an airport
C. You would probably end up like the last guy, you never want to do me because you can't quit begging for an another hand job.

A) And? I like older women with the appropriate look.

B) Sweet, that's how I like em. Emotionally and morally damaged!

c) Nah, I promise!

Since I have no idea how to read a profile and/or not enough mental memory to keep track of who's who (and I have been enjoying the sweet, sweet freedom of being single too much)....can I have a vote of all the readers who think Strategeryz0r
deserves a written detailed description of my handiwork? :o)

Honestly, it would be a disservice to the fark community for you to write a detailed description of your handiwork and send it only to me.

Who votes she shares with the class??

*raises hand*

xdedd: I broke up with one ex-girlfriend because:


4) Once in the shower she asked me to pee on her face and then stick it in her pooper.



Go on....

vudukungfu: wynper: A list of reasons I ended it.

His name was Scott. My ex was named Scott and I shuddered every time I said his name.

He was a PETA member.

He chewed with his mouth open.

He was an asshole to the waitress.

He wanted to marry me...not for me but because he wanted to live in the country.

He wouldn't spank me.

All perfectly crommulent reasons,my dear.
Come sit on bend over uncle vudu's lap and tell me how I can make you feel better.

FTFY

Too extroverted. Spent more time talking to random people at restaurants, movie theater, etc., than to me. Annoyed the HELL outta me. Short relationship.

/introvert

Not a "I dumped them cuz" thing, but what the hell.

Got a call from a drama queen friend of mine. She's weepy because she thinks her boyfriend of six whole months wants to break up with her.

"But I luuuuuuuuuuurve him," she moaned. "I can't looooooooooose him. Do you think I should say I'm pregnant to keep him?"

After a bit of excessive blinking, I respond with, "What the fark is wrong with you?"

"I know I'm not, but we always use condoms, so I'm sure I can get pregnant. I just need to make him stay!"

"You are farking insane and need therapy. Get rid of this guy before I have you committed myself."

She hung up on me.

He later posted on FB how she was pregnant.

I commented that he needed to take her to a doctor's office the next day and get her tested.

The next day his status was changed to Single and she removed me from her friend's list. Stupid coont.

xdedd: I broke up with one ex-girlfriend because:
4) Once in the shower she asked me to pee on her face and then stick it in her pooper.

Ugh, I don't blame you. Peeing in the shower is so disgusting.

She came over once in pink jeans. Acid washed pink jeans. There is a line, people. Also, when friends were over she would stand right next to whatever chair i was sitting in. When everyone else would sit. Sit the fark down, you stupid pink biatch!

Max Awesome: Sewer-Mouth.

Everytime we made out it was like something crawled into my mouth and died. It would take forever for the smell to go away, even after multiple tooth scrubbing and mouthwash sessions.

Nice guy, but I had to dump him before the rot migrated permanently into my own mouth.

"It didn't die!"

What do you think was causing it? Was it just because he never brushed his teeth? I met a girl like this a year ago, and couldn't past it, either.

elysive: factoryconnection Jocundry: Huh? You lather up your pouf and well, lather up your pouf. That's about it.

Wash too little, you get smell and possibly a UTI. Wash too much, you get a yeast infection. Then there's that whole period thing, with the blood and worrying about toxic shock syndrome and leakage and chafing and whatnot. Pap smears, side effects from the pill, all sorts of things.

Sorry, I think you have been misinformed or someone has given you a scare about these things. You can't get a yeast infection from external soap and water. Douches and antibiotics and poor hygiene/diet will cause yeast infections. The whole period thing just means women have to be more rigorous in their hygiene. Toxic shock syndrome is only relevant to tampon usage (don't leave them in there too long). Pap smears are something you get once a year at the GYN office. Pills regulate your hormones and help prevent baby making but pills go in your mouth, not in your vagina. What does all of this have to do with the complications of washing one's cootch again?

And that's not even getting into fertility problems, pregnancy changes, childbirth aftereffects... although my wife has never had any problems getting pregnant, the postpartum changes noticed have been terrific, and only with her first (a non-natural delivery) were there any bad after effects.

Ok, not sure fertility or birth or birth control has anything to do with regular vaginal maintenance. Most women just wash and shave/laser/wax and that's it. Having a period and yearly exams and the need to manage our fertility (or birth control) suck, but those things barely affect our daily hygiene. The equipment is generally pretty self sufficient and easy to manage until something goes wrong. I'm sorry if it's been tough for your wife.

Are you a woman? Are you a physician? If you're a woman and you think daily hygiene is all that is needed to manage vaginal odor, you are totally disconnected from your vagina, have no sense of smell and/or someone's been lying to you when you ask them about your stank vagoo.

Yeah, the vagina is generally self-cleaning and part of that cleaning is expelling some possibly odiferous stuff that's not supposed to be there. Anything that upsets the natural balance of normal vaginal flora and fauna can cause yeast infections, baterial vaginosis and smelly discharge. Causes of this disruption can be hormonal changes (even just throughout the monthly cycle), diet, stress, semen, soap, restrictive clothing, illness, condoms, pregnancy, fertility drugs and other medications, iron supplements, commercial lubricants, to name a few.

This balance can also be disrupted by external washing. That light coat of mucus on the labia is protective. For many women stripping that off with even a mild soap everyday can cause an imbalance inside her vagina and cause fungal or baterial overgrowth. The disruption can also be idiopathic (no identifiable cause).

All women are different. Luckily, most women can tolerate washing carefully with mild soap most days but even the "cleanest" woman can have problems. Sometimes being more "rigorous" with hygiene can make cha cha funk worse. You don't need to wash everyday, people. A healthy pussy is going to smell like a pussy -- some days ok, some days not so much. Get over it.

/public health nursing
//Pain, fever, itching along with smelly discharge or persistent tuna town needs a doctor's attention.