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(Nerve)   Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: May 2012 Cosmo's summer tips, Men's Health's sex-boosting foods, and so much more   (nerve.com) divider line 55
    More: Amusing, sex life, film premiere, premieres, frat boys, Funyuns, 4th of July, Asbury Park, SPF, happy hours  
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5752 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 23 May 2012 at 6:38 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-05-23 04:22:31 PM  
If you follow dating advice from stupid magazines, you kinda deserve to be alone.
 
2012-05-23 05:47:06 PM  
FTFA: His Summer Dream Girl is Someone Who... 1. Wears a dress 2. Has a sexy laugh 3. Smells like the beach.

I can't speak for all men, but I have never *once* even thought about a person "smelling like the beach" much less desiring it. In fact, I have no idea what "smells like the beach" is even supposed to mean.

Dead fish? Homeless people? Burning trash?
 
2012-05-23 06:01:17 PM  

Ed Finnerty: I can't speak for all men, but I have never *once* even thought about a person "smelling like the beach" much less desiring it. In fact, I have no idea what "smells like the beach" is even supposed to mean.


Exactly. Salty? I've never once been to the beach and noticed much of a smell. Well, except in Atlantic City. And I would prefer my women not smell like that.
 
2012-05-23 06:11:37 PM  
This article was written by somebody at the end of their Adderall.
 
2012-05-23 06:41:18 PM  
Women's magazines are all driven by the innate fears that every woman has; You're fat (so check out our new weight loss tips!), you can't cook (so here's some easy summer recipies for your next fabulous house party!) and you suck in bed (so here's five moves he just *can't* resist!)

That women buy this shiat is reason number one why they shouldn't be allowed to vote.
 
2012-05-23 06:46:36 PM  
stand extra close to the dude celebrating a softball victory at happy hour... and remember to breath deep.

Breathe deep. You're writers, for christ's sake; you might learn how to properly use the primary tool of your job.
 
2012-05-23 06:49:40 PM  

Ed Finnerty: FTFA: His Summer Dream Girl is Someone Who... 1. Wears a dress 2. Has a sexy laugh 3. Smells like the beach.

I can't speak for all men, but I have never *once* even thought about a person "smelling like the beach" much less desiring it. In fact, I have no idea what "smells like the beach" is even supposed to mean.

Dead fish? Homeless people? Burning trash?


This guy already had the idea for a "beach scent":

i.imgur.com
 
2012-05-23 06:56:38 PM  
A BJ and making the occasional sandwich seems to be missing.
 
2012-05-23 06:57:59 PM  
remember to breath deep

Is that his typo or Cosmo's? I need to know who deserves a cock-punch.
 
2012-05-23 07:12:07 PM  
If she nuzzles your balls under the table in a fancy restaurant there is a good chance you will be getting oral
 
2012-05-23 07:19:44 PM  
Ladies, if you want your man to get off, please don't yell, "HELP ME!! SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE COPS!!". That tends to make us cranky and nervous, and it's difficult to maintain an erection if I worry about someone breaking my door down.
 
2012-05-23 07:25:08 PM  

Uzzah: stand extra close to the dude celebrating a softball victory at happy hour... and remember to breath deep.

Breathe deep. You're writers, for christ's sake; you might learn how to properly use the primary tool of your job.


I love you for that.
*flips through Cosmo to see if it's okay to say that before throwing on a summer dress*
 
2012-05-23 07:27:12 PM  
It was like a highway accident. It was miserable, yet I read the whole thing. Dammit.

And while I agree that magazine articles on dating are generally stupid, I'm all for any articles anywhere that get women even the least bit turned on or interested in sex. I don't care if it's from Cosmo, Playboy, or Guns & Ammo. If it works for them, I'd vote to keep it.
 
2012-05-23 07:27:32 PM  
I admit, I read Cosmo (for the lulz), and think the ultimate tip seems to be "Wear all this ridiculous stuff we advertise, then sit seductively at the bar with an appletini and wait for Mr. Perfect to show up. But how do you know he's on the level?"

/glad I don't have that problem
 
2012-05-23 07:28:55 PM  
Meant to add "Take our quiz to find out what his body language REALLY means."
 
2012-05-23 07:32:08 PM  

Uzzah: stand extra close to the dude celebrating a softball victory at happy hour... and remember to breath deep.

Breathe deep. You're writers, for christ's sake; you might learn how to properly use the primary tool of your job.


Breathe deeply.

/FTFY
 
2012-05-23 07:32:50 PM  
Men's Health? No thank you, if I want to read gay porn I'll just look in my Dad's nightstan...wait a minute.
 
2012-05-23 07:38:50 PM  
My classic example is an article from long ago...don't remember which magazine. They had an article called "26 Reasons He Says I Love You." One for each letter of the alphabet. The kicker was "L." Not love; not lust.

Lunacy. He doesn't say he loves you because he does; not even because he's trying to get laid. It's because he's crazy. A complete nut job.

And this is supposed to help women?
 
2012-05-23 07:42:54 PM  
I tried following Cosmo's romantic tips once with the girl I was attracted to. Did the whole thing: rose petals leading up the stairs to her bed, lots of candles, champagne on ice, soft incense, and me wearing nothing but silk boxers and a smile. But Cosmo never said how I was supposed to introduce myself to her.
 
2012-05-23 07:52:40 PM  

Ryker's Peninsula: I tried following Cosmo's romantic tips once with the girl I was attracted to. Did the whole thing: rose petals leading up the stairs to her bed, lots of candles, champagne on ice, soft incense, and me wearing nothing but silk boxers and a smile. But Cosmo never said how I was supposed to introduce myself to her.


Tazer? Chlorophorm? Shotgun?
 
2012-05-23 08:00:17 PM  

Ed Finnerty: FTFA: His Summer Dream Girl is Someone Who... 1. Wears a dress 2. Has a sexy laugh 3. Smells like the beach.

I can't speak for all men, but I have never *once* even thought about a person "smelling like the beach" much less desiring it. In fact, I have no idea what "smells like the beach" is even supposed to mean.

Dead fish? Homeless people? Burning trash?


Rotting fish guts, burning plastic and fuel.

I also grew up fishing in Alaska so my idea of beaches may vary from the normal person's
 
2012-05-23 08:17:38 PM  

kroonermanblack: Ryker's Peninsula: I tried following Cosmo's romantic tips once with the girl I was attracted to. Did the whole thing: rose petals leading up the stairs to her bed, lots of candles, champagne on ice, soft incense, and me wearing nothing but silk boxers and a smile. But Cosmo never said how I was supposed to introduce myself to her.

Tazer? Chlorophorm? Shotgun?


Nah, just lose the boxers, and a quick "Tada!" should do it. She'll look shocked, then try to laugh it off awkwardly, and 2 out of 3 times, she'll crawl in bed with you.
 
2012-05-23 08:36:49 PM  

Ed Finnerty: I can't speak for all men, but I have never *once* even thought about a person "smelling like the beach" much less desiring it. In fact, I have no idea what "smells like the beach" is even supposed to mean.

Dead fish? Homeless people? Burning trash?


For me, it's the smell of this stuff:
images.businessweek.com
The smell will instantly make me think of Waikiki beach.
 
2012-05-23 08:54:24 PM  
Reading my mothers Cosmo's made me gay. As I couldn't imagine all the fark'n bullshiat women "wanted" or "needed" was worth it to marry or even date one.
 
2012-05-23 08:55:51 PM  
FTA:

"But in the words of my imaginary Yiddish grandmother..."

I thought Yiddish was a language.
 
2012-05-23 08:56:35 PM  
"Ow ow ow ow, WTF ARE YOU DOING, STOP! WTF!"

"Cosmo said youd like it."

"fark that, dont take sex advice written by other women, you want blowjob tips, get them from gay men."
 
2012-05-23 08:56:43 PM  
Eh, it wasn't a bad article.

"More Dannon + Less Doritos = Big balls! Ac-tivi-aaaaaaaa!" made me laugh.
 
2012-05-23 09:03:17 PM  

Ryker's Peninsula: I tried following Cosmo's romantic tips once with the girl I was attracted to. Did the whole thing: rose petals leading up the stairs to her bed, lots of candles, champagne on ice, soft incense, and me wearing nothing but silk boxers and a smileraging hard-on. But Cosmo never said how I was supposed to introduce myself to her.

ftfy
 
2012-05-23 09:06:48 PM  

Erzsebetvwv: kroonermanblack: Ryker's Peninsula: I tried following Cosmo's romantic tips once with the girl I was attracted to. Did the whole thing: rose petals leading up the stairs to her bed, lots of candles, champagne on ice, soft incense, and me wearing nothing but silk boxers and a smile. But Cosmo never said how I was supposed to introduce myself to her.

Tazer? Chlorophorm? Shotgun?

Nah, just lose the boxers, and a quick "Tada!" should do it. She'll look shocked, then try to laugh it off awkwardly, and 2 out of 3 times, she'll crawl in bed with you.


A tazer, chloroform or a shotgun would have improved your odds to 3 out of 3.
 
2012-05-23 09:08:14 PM  
The quote from Men's Health Magazine that got to me:

"Nuts: Snack on two handfuls of almonds or walnuts a day. They're packed with amino acids like arginine, which improves blood flow throughout your body - including down there, where better blood flow means a stronger erection. "

Gentleman, do not - DO NOT - refer to genitals as "down there." If you can't name them, if you can only describe them in vaguest geographical manner, you don't deserve to play with them.
 
2012-05-23 09:21:51 PM  
15 years ago I read a Cosmo sex tip that was about a woman that was hiking with her BF so she decided to give him a BJ out in the woods and she got the idea to hold a rock against his taint and it "drove him wild." It would for me too. I'd be like "get that dirty rock away from my asshole."
 
2012-05-23 09:28:09 PM  
The tip about women being attracted to the smell of male sweat might have some merit. I once dated a girl who told me repeatedly that I smelled "sexy" after I worked out; and sometimes she'd drag me into the bedroom before I could take my post-workout shower.

But just a note to other farkers: the article no doubt means that women are attracted to the smell of fresh sweat. So while a woman might think you smell good when after you just finished working out at the gym, she probably won't like the smell of your Firefly t-shirt that has week-old sweat stains that haven't been washed out.

The rest of the article was pretty much a train wreck.
 
2012-05-23 09:36:22 PM  
Sex tip: Tell your partner what you like

Sex tip: Do to your partner what they told you they like

Romance tip: Forget the outside world once in a while and focus on your partner

Relationship tip: Don't tell or yell. Ask. Nicely.

There you go, kids. I have solved all of relationship's challenges. You may now band together to raise the funds for my forthcoming pony.

Jebus, it's really not that complicated and fark those moronic rags.
 
2012-05-23 09:37:04 PM  

gingerjet: Reading my mothers Cosmo's made me gay. As I couldn't imagine all the fark'n bullshiat women "wanted" or "needed" was worth it to marry or even date one.


Ha. I knew people weren't born that way.

Also, why do they put that stupid magazine behind a privacy screen at the supermarket?
Nobody over the age of 16 reads that crap.
 
2012-05-23 09:44:09 PM  

phenn: Sex tip: Tell your partner what you like

Sex tip: Do to your partner what they told you they like

Romance tip: Forget the outside world once in a while and focus on your partner

Relationship tip: Don't tell or yell. Ask. Nicely.

There you go, kids. I have solved all of relationship's challenges. You may now band together to raise the funds for my forthcoming pony.

Jebus, it's really not that complicated and fark those moronic rags.


I would also add:

"Women: If you want your man to do something, don't drop subtle hints and then get mad when he doesn't pick up on them. Just ask him to do it."
 
2012-05-23 10:07:46 PM  

Ed Finnerty: FTFA: His Summer Dream Girl is Someone Who... 1. Wears a dress 2. Has a sexy laugh 3. Smells like the beach.

I can't speak for all men, but I have never *once* even thought about a person "smelling like the beach" much less desiring it. In fact, I have no idea what "smells like the beach" is even supposed to mean.

Dead fish? Homeless people? Burning trash?


Cant deny it, Beach smell is REALLY hot to me. maybe its the lotion or being all greasy.

As is a sweaty girl at the gym. I would GLADLY give my all to a girl that was sweaty, hot off the gym, smelling like....sweat.

Maybe I'm odd?
 
2012-05-23 10:10:05 PM  
I remember reading one of those 50 things guys secretly love articles. This one guy said he LOVES when a girl licks his armpit. Could you imagine testing that one out?
 
2012-05-23 10:30:29 PM  

Bedstead Polisher: I remember reading one of those 50 things guys secretly love articles. This one guy said he LOVES when a girl licks his armpit. Could you imagine testing that one out?


Better than testing the 'He really loves it when you whack his balls like a bottle of ketchup' one, or any other cringe inducing testicular penile torture.
 
2012-05-23 10:38:37 PM  

phenn: There you go, kids. I have solved all of relationship's challenges. You may now band together to raise the funds for my forthcoming pony.


Favorited.

Seriously, people. Put these damn rags out of business: talk to each other like human beings, listen sincerely, decide rationally, and keep your word.
 
2012-05-23 10:40:48 PM  

Bedstead Polisher: I remember reading one of those 50 things guys secretly love articles. This one guy said he LOVES when a girl licks his armpit. Could you imagine testing that one out?


What number was UFIA. Cosmo always has that on their list.
 
2012-05-23 10:47:55 PM  

SharkTrager: Bedstead Polisher: I remember reading one of those 50 things guys secretly love articles. This one guy said he LOVES when a girl licks his armpit. Could you imagine testing that one out?

What number was UFIA. Cosmo always has that on their list.


I believe it's usually SFIA (solicited) or something like AFIA (accepted).
 
2012-05-23 11:07:33 PM  

mjbok: SharkTrager: Bedstead Polisher: I remember reading one of those 50 things guys secretly love articles. This one guy said he LOVES when a girl licks his armpit. Could you imagine testing that one out?

What number was UFIA. Cosmo always has that on their list.

I believe it's usually SFIA (solicited) or something like AFIA (accepted).


No, you're supposed to surprise your man.
 
2012-05-23 11:22:45 PM  

MrSteve007: Ed Finnerty: I can't speak for all men, but I have never *once* even thought about a person "smelling like the beach" much less desiring it. In fact, I have no idea what "smells like the beach" is even supposed to mean.

Dead fish? Homeless people? Burning trash?

For me, it's the smell of this stuff:
[images.businessweek.com image 440x371]
The smell will instantly make me think of Waikiki beach.


Funny, that stuff always reminds me of the smell of middle age women.
 
2012-05-23 11:37:31 PM  

Ed Finnerty: FTFA: His Summer Dream Girl is Someone Who... 1. Wears a dress 2. Has a sexy laugh 3. Smells like the beach.

I can't speak for all men, but I have never *once* even thought about a person "smelling like the beach" much less desiring it. In fact, I have no idea what "smells like the beach" is even supposed to mean.

Dead fish? Homeless people? Burning trash?


I was recently at the beach with my kids, and I noticed a distinct smell of salt air and sun tan lotion. It wasn't offensive.
 
2012-05-24 12:18:12 AM  

supageil: phenn: There you go, kids. I have solved all of relationship's challenges. You may now band together to raise the funds for my forthcoming pony.

Favorited.

Seriously, people. Put these damn rags out of business: talk to each other like human beings, listen sincerely, decide rationally, and keep your word.


Schyeah. Good luck with that...
 
2012-05-24 12:19:52 AM  

Bedstead Polisher: I remember reading one of those 50 things guys secretly love articles. This one guy said he LOVES when a girl licks his armpit. Could you imagine testing that one out?


www.brightlightsfilm.com
 
2012-05-24 12:51:01 AM  
So. Where's the link to the article? I don't has one...
 
2012-05-24 01:40:28 AM  
img832.imageshack.us
 
2012-05-24 01:43:35 AM  
More Dannon + Less Doritos = Big balls! Ac-tivi-aaaaaaaa! (ftfa)

actually made me laugh loud enough to wake up the family.
 
2012-05-24 01:44:30 AM  

Dee Snarl: supageil: phenn: There you go, kids. I have solved all of relationship's challenges. You may now band together to raise the funds for my forthcoming pony.

Favorited.

Seriously, people. Put these damn rags out of business: talk to each other like human beings, listen sincerely, decide rationally, and keep your word.

Schyeah. Good luck with that...


It's worked decently well for me and the SO for a year and a half now. Neither of us are perfect, but we don't have to read magazines to figure out how not to ruin our lives. Neither does anyone.

People get addicted to the adrenaline rushes of drama and angst. I guess I just got too old for all that. Why not try to act decently to one another, and then go get adrenaline rushes from fun stuff? It doesn't work all the time, but it works better than being a gullible, blamey wanker.
 
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