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(Newser)   Today, in the annals of careers you really should have chosen instead of the one you're doing right now: diet-book writer. A 7 figure deal was made for advice like skipping breakfast and eating broccoli   (newser.com) divider line 40
    More: Asinine, dieting, breakfast  
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1767 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 May 2012 at 9:16 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2012-05-22 09:18:51 PM

what is this

I DON'T EVEN
 
2012-05-22 09:20:05 PM
Still better than advice I read from a farker once. If you eat less in weight daily than your shiat weighs daily you will lose weight. The farker swore to it.
 
2012-05-22 09:20:21 PM
Shhheeeeit. That's what I should REALLY be doing; between that college level nutrition class and my mom being an old school home-ec teacher (aka she taught me a LOT of what she knew), I probably have a better grasp on nutrition than many celebrity chefs.
 
2012-05-22 09:21:44 PM
It'd be easier to write a book on how to get really fat. And then, for the last sentence, put "Do the opposite of everything in this book."
 
2012-05-22 09:23:36 PM
*heavy sigh* I will next write for my brilliant line of work, "How to Drop Life While Eating Iceberg Lettuce and Skipping Vitamins Combined with Excessive Exercise." Though, of course, there will be a legal document you'd need to sign before reading it...
 
2012-05-22 09:24:48 PM
When my son was about 11 or 12, he started noticing all the nonsensical and conflicting diet advice out there. He was really determined to write a diet book with two pages. The first one would say "Eat less" and the second one would say "Move more".
I really should have encouraged that. He could have supported me in my old age.
Dammit.
 
2012-05-22 09:27:08 PM

rudemix: Still better than advice I read from a farker once. If you eat less in weight daily than your shiat weighs daily you will lose weight. The farker swore to it.


Well, technically he is correct. You arent going to replace that mass by spontaneously turning energy into mass. It has to come from somewhere.
 
2012-05-22 09:27:50 PM
I had one set to publish. I start out with "Eat less, exercise more." but after that there really isn't much left to say.
 
2012-05-22 09:31:59 PM

rudemix: Still better than advice I read from a farker once. If you eat less in weight daily than your shiat weighs daily you will lose weight. The farker swore to it.


What doesnt make sense about that? Conservation of mass, basic law of the universe. Although i dont think it would be possible, your body doesnt work that way, but ive seen worse diet advice.
 
2012-05-22 09:33:47 PM

ISO15693: rudemix: Still better than advice I read from a farker once. If you eat less in weight daily than your shiat weighs daily you will lose weight. The farker swore to it.

Well, technically he is correct. You arent going to replace that mass by spontaneously turning energy into mass. It has to come from somewhere.


I don't know all that but if you eat less won't you crap less necessitating a need to eat even less to have less food than crap triggering starvation mode in the body where the body might burn less of everything?
 
2012-05-22 09:37:50 PM
Heh. "Starvation mode". Body starting to burn less calories? Too bad for it - no extra food. It will burn them eventually, if it know's what's good for it.
 
2012-05-22 09:38:24 PM

weaselette: When my son was about 11 or 12, he started noticing all the nonsensical and conflicting diet advice out there. He was really determined to write a diet book with two pages. The first one would say "Eat less" and the second one would say "Move more".
I really should have encouraged that. He could have supported me in my old age.
Dammit.


But that's not the message people want to hear, even if it's the simple truth.

They want easy fad diets instead, like low carb ones where they can pig out all they want as long as they remove carbs.
 
2012-05-22 09:42:20 PM
Diets don't work in the long run. If you want to lose weight, you need to make a permanent change in your lifestyle.
 
2012-05-22 09:55:49 PM
Hmm, I permanently lost 90 pounds, maybe I should write a weight-loss book, publish it as an e-book, and see how much money I can make.

7 figures? I'd be happy with enough to pay off the mortgage.
 
2012-05-22 09:59:45 PM
The Harry Freakstorm Ethiopia Diet
Step one Move to Ethiopia
Stay until you can no longer impress the neighbors with your fat.

The Harry Freakstorm Coma Diet
Go in to a coma fat - come out of the coma skinny
Find a doctor or a ball peen hammer that can put you in to a coma.
Stay hydrated.
Be advised, after 30 days, your stuff will be gone.

Easiest two million I ever made.
 
2012-05-22 10:01:24 PM

rudemix: ISO15693: rudemix: Still better than advice I read from a farker once. If you eat less in weight daily than your shiat weighs daily you will lose weight. The farker swore to it.

Well, technically he is correct. You arent going to replace that mass by spontaneously turning energy into mass. It has to come from somewhere.

I don't know all that but if you eat less won't you crap less necessitating a need to eat even less to have less food than crap triggering starvation mode in the body where the body might burn less of everything?


Which is still technically losing weight.

The tricky part of all this would be to find a scale with an attached toilet seat.
 
2012-05-22 10:06:03 PM

ISO15693: rudemix: Still better than advice I read from a farker once. If you eat less in weight daily than your shiat weighs daily you will lose weight. The farker swore to it.

Well, technically he is correct. You arent going to replace that mass by spontaneously turning energy into mass. It has to come from somewhere.


you would have to lose weight. with each passing day your fecal matter weight would have to be decreased for this method to hold true as stated. but in x amount of months you will be eating almost nothing and really farking hungry. not much poop though. and you would lose weight along the way.
 
2012-05-22 10:07:44 PM

farkityfarker: weaselette: When my son was about 11 or 12, he started noticing all the nonsensical and conflicting diet advice out there. He was really determined to write a diet book with two pages. The first one would say "Eat less" and the second one would say "Move more".
I really should have encouraged that. He could have supported me in my old age.
Dammit.

But that's not the message people want to hear, even if it's the simple truth.

They want easy fad diets instead, like low carb ones where they can pig out all they want as long as they remove carbs.


Funny thing about that. If you're really fat and unhealthy to the point of insulin resistance, it works like magic. It'll take the first 50 or so pounds off you, then something more "sensible" will take the rest off, though not as quickly.
 
2012-05-22 10:15:10 PM
Skip breakfast?! Bad, BAD idea! You need food shortly after waking up or you'll frigging kill your metabolism.

/not a doctor, plays one on the internet
 
2012-05-22 10:22:56 PM
Best diet advice ever:

Don't eat for two hours before you go to sleep. If you really need something, drink a glass of water.

Skipping breakfast is dumb, cutting out unnecessary calories at the end of the day is where it's at.
 
2012-05-22 10:43:47 PM
Want to lose weight? Eat tons of cake and sweets. You'll get diabetes, and they'll cut your feet off, lowering your weight.
 
2012-05-22 10:48:30 PM
don't skip breakfast fatties, skip dinner

free diet advice, works 100%, steps in order from easiest to hardest

1. no candy, no soda, nothing with corn syrup in it (duh)
2. drink lots of water, as cold as you can get it, and every time you take a leak you drink another full glass - if you drink coffee drink it black
3. no food after 8pm, or whatever the equivalent of 3 hours before going to sleep is for you, only water
4. no cheese, no chocolate, no ground meat, no fried or buttery food
5. chicken and turkey is fine but not skin, fish is fine
6. unlimited fruits and vegetables (no creamy salad dressing, a little oil and vinegar is fine)
7. no bread or pasta unless accompanied by an equal or greater serving of vegetables

continue until you lost the weight you want, then you can start being a slob until you are disgusted enough with yourself to find some discipline
 
2012-05-22 10:50:07 PM
Uhuhuhuhuh. Uhuhuhuh. "Annals."


/yes, that's what I took from this
 
2012-05-22 10:53:41 PM

Ringshadow: Skip breakfast?! Bad, BAD idea! You need food shortly after waking up or you'll frigging kill your metabolism.

/not a doctor, plays one on the internet


Thats a commonly held myth, your basal metabolism doesnt fluctuate that much. It takes more like 96 hours of extremely low caloric intake to start puting your body into "starvation mode", not 12. Eating regularly is still a good idea because it keeps you from gorging yourself once you do eat. "Hmm, im pretty hungry because i skipped lunch, ill get an appetizer and desert too".
 
2012-05-22 10:55:49 PM

Harry Freakstorm: The Harry Freakstorm Ethiopia Diet
Step one Move to Ethiopia
Stay until you can no longer impress the neighbors with your fat.

The Harry Freakstorm Coma Diet
Go in to a coma fat - come out of the coma skinny
Find a doctor or a ball peen hammer that can put you in to a coma.
Stay hydrated.
Be advised, after 30 days, your stuff will be gone.

Easiest two million I ever made.


This. Is. Genius.
Sir, you need your own newsletter, so that I may subscribe to it.
 
zez
2012-05-22 10:58:14 PM

RogermcAllen: Best diet advice ever:

Don't eat for two hours before you go to sleep. If you really need something, drink a glass of water.

Skipping breakfast is dumb, cutting out unnecessary calories at the end of the day is where it's at.


I never eat breakfast, (except for the pot of black coffee every morning) eat a light lunch if I'm in the mood and then a huge dinner around 6 and then a big bowl of air-popped popcorn before bed. I also drink a ton of beer and wine.

/lost 25 pounds so far this year.
//the 300 miles a week I ride on my bikes probably has more to do with it
 
2012-05-22 10:58:18 PM

RembrandtQEinstein: 2. drink lots of water, as cold as you can get it,


Why cold water?
 
zez
2012-05-22 11:00:10 PM

RogermcAllen: RembrandtQEinstein: 2. drink lots of water, as cold as you can get it,

Why cold water?


Your body burns energy warming it up to body temperature

/hates ice cold water
 
2012-05-22 11:11:33 PM

zez: RogermcAllen: RembrandtQEinstein: 2. drink lots of water, as cold as you can get it,

Why cold water?

Your body burns energy warming it up to body temperature

/hates ice cold water


The coldest water you might drink is 0C. Your body is 37.5C, but to make math easier lets say you are running a fever and your body temp is 40C.

A very large drink of water is 1L.

To heat 1L of water from 0C to 40C takes 40,000 calories. A Calorie (notice the capital C) is actually a kilocalorie, (1,000 calories), so this only comes out to be 40 Calories. Sounds good, right?

Do you actually burn 40 calories to heat the water? No. Your body doesn't use extra energy to warm the water, it uses waste heat.

To put it a simpler way, your car doesn't burn more gas if your pour cold water on the muffler.
 
zez
2012-05-22 11:46:40 PM

RogermcAllen: Do you actually burn 40 calories to heat the water? No. Your body doesn't use extra energy to warm the water, it uses waste heat.


What is waste heat in your body? Not arguing, just don't understand.
 
2012-05-22 11:57:24 PM

Cyno01: Ringshadow: Skip breakfast?! Bad, BAD idea! You need food shortly after waking up or you'll frigging kill your metabolism.

/not a doctor, plays one on the internet

Thats a commonly held myth, your basal metabolism doesnt fluctuate that much. It takes more like 96 hours of extremely low caloric intake to start puting your body into "starvation mode", not 12. Eating regularly is still a good idea because it keeps you from gorging yourself once you do eat. "Hmm, im pretty hungry because i skipped lunch, ill get an appetizer and desert too".


... Is there a way to erase everything my lying, cheating college health teacher told me?
 
2012-05-23 12:13:11 AM

Ringshadow: Cyno01: Ringshadow: Skip breakfast?! Bad, BAD idea! You need food shortly after waking up or you'll frigging kill your metabolism.

/not a doctor, plays one on the internet

Thats a commonly held myth, your basal metabolism doesnt fluctuate that much. It takes more like 96 hours of extremely low caloric intake to start puting your body into "starvation mode", not 12. Eating regularly is still a good idea because it keeps you from gorging yourself once you do eat. "Hmm, im pretty hungry because i skipped lunch, ill get an appetizer and desert too".

... Is there a way to erase everything my lying, cheating college health teacher told me?


What, the ecstasy thing didnt tip you off that the rest might be bullshiat too? Thats why DARE doesnt work, why wouldnt other health information from a faulty source be suspect?
 
2012-05-23 04:43:48 AM
I lost 150 lbs to get to my ideal weight and kept it up. There's no secret, just stuff most people do not want to do. Here's my free "book" on losing the weight and keeping it off:

1. Treat your body like a machine and realize food is fuel, nothing more. Not pleasure. Not reward. Don't eat outside mealtime whatsoever unless there's some sort of extenuating circumstance (ie, low blood sugar while you're diabetic, for example).
2. That said, eat 3 meals a day. 3 portions on your plate. Each portion no bigger than your balled fist (roughly).
3. Drink lots of water. Over 3 liters a day.
4. Avoid artificial sweeteners. The words 'diet' and 'sugar free' don't mean 'will help lose weight,' but the exact opposite. If you're eating moderately and exercising and not losing weight right now, it's most likely because of artificial sweeteners.
5. Bust your ass exercising to the point you push yourself to a reasonable limit, everyday. Calories burned > Calories taken in = weight loss. You don't need a gym membership or weight bench. Walk an hour a day. Situps. Pushups. Squats. Biking. All things that can be done without spending a dollar. (I did them.)
6. Fad diets won't work. Starving yourself won't work. All these do is cause you to lose weight and then crash hard, gaining it all back and then some. All they are is get rich quick schemes by their authors/creators.
7. Small changes add up to huge results over time. Wheat bread instead of white. Shun potatoes. Yogurt is a wonderfood that does so much good for you eating it once a day is advised. Eat meat that walks on 4 legs no more than once a week (beef, pork, etc).
8. Most important of all, realize this is a lifestyle change. You must do this everyday and not slack off, otherwise you're just going to end up back where you started. It's not a crime to treat yourself once in awhile or slip on the willpower at the rare trip to the buffet, but you MUST force yourself to get back on the horse.
9. Do not weigh yourself everyday. You will only get frustrated because your body will seemingly retain water randomly, making it seem like everyday your weight fluctuates nonsensically and you're getting nowhere. Weigh yourself on the first of the month and KEEP AT IT!

It's not harder than this, but people trying to sell you something will do you more harm than good. All that's required is will. The biggest aid to weight loss other than willpower is a calendar. Write down the exercise you do every month. When you do it, mark a day off. Mark the word 'DIET' on every day you stick to eating reasonably. Mark your starting weight each month and your goal to aim for for that month (ie, 10 pounds lost). You will find yourself wanting to make sure you earned your marks for the day on that calendar and this will keep you motivated.

After about three weeks from starting, you will begin to feel real change in your body, even if you're quite out of shape. Energy will increase. Tone will be felt. It's real motivation that makes you want it everyday.
 
2012-05-23 09:57:33 AM

zez: RogermcAllen: Do you actually burn 40 calories to heat the water? No. Your body doesn't use extra energy to warm the water, it uses waste heat.

What is waste heat in your body? Not arguing, just don't understand.


I'm not a scientician so this is all theorycraft. Drinking cold water lowers the average temperature of your body. Since most sedentary work environments are at below body temperature your body has to expend some energy maintaining your temperature. It is possible that in doing all the maintenance stuff your body does to stay alive enough "waste" heat is generated to maintain your temperature without extra expenditure, I don't know.

But that doesn't matter for another reason. Drinking cold water isn't comfortable for most people. And forcing yourself to do things which are potentially good for you but not comfortable exercises your discipline which is something anyone who needs a diet needs most of all.

So either way cold water furthers the cause.
 
2012-05-23 11:35:06 AM

zez: RogermcAllen: Do you actually burn 40 calories to heat the water? No. Your body doesn't use extra energy to warm the water, it uses waste heat.

What is waste heat in your body? Not arguing, just don't understand.


Do you sweat? That's removal of waste heat. Even when you don't sweat, anytime you're not shivering you're generating a little too much heat all the time (but you're probably used to the feeling), and if you're hot, you have WAY TOO MUCH waste heat and obviously don't need anything to boost your metabolism, since it's already uncomfortably high for conditions.

It's actually pretty well proven that really cold water will up your metabolism - a common athletic advice is to stay away from cold water when you're overheating, and stick to tepid or warm - but that can be good or bad depending on conditions, won't last long, and will probably be ejected before it's fully warmed up. Drinking a shiat-ton of water has other benefits anyway, so go for it.
 
2012-05-23 11:51:45 AM

RembrandtQEinstein: But that doesn't matter for another reason. Drinking cold water isn't comfortable for most people. And forcing yourself to do things which are potentially good for you but not comfortable exercises your discipline which is something anyone who needs a diet needs most of all.


People who have discipline and will accept pain for results... don't need diet tips.

Worse, there's something called "ego depletion," the psychological effect that everyone has a certain amount of discipline (self-denial) at any time. If someone with very little spends it on something silly like drinking cold water, they'll go back and eat a plate of cookies because they stopped caring. Going to bed hungry is a much better way to have discipline if you're only going to change one thing a day.

A good explanation.

Terrible Old Man: 4. Avoid artificial sweeteners. The words 'diet' and 'sugar free' don't mean 'will help lose weight,' but the exact opposite. If you're eating moderately and exercising and not losing weight right now, it's most likely because of artificial sweeteners.


The whole insulin response theory of artificial sweeteners is wishful science - an unproven hypothesis that gets bandied about as fact, when sucralose and aspartame are known to be metabolized the same as any fiber, and saccarin and stevia mostly are, causing a response significantly less than the equivalent sucrose or HFCS dose. Saying "don't have diet sweets!" is a moral judgment, not a scientific one; at best it may keep someone from turning to sugary sweets when no sugar-free ones are around.
 
2012-05-23 03:32:06 PM

foxyshadis: People who have discipline and will accept pain for results... don't need diet tips.

Worse, there's something called "ego depletion," the psychological effect that everyone has a certain amount of discipline (self-denial) at any time. If someone with very little spends it on something silly like drinking cold water, they'll go back and eat a plate of cookies because they stopped caring. Going to bed hungry is a much better way to have discipline if you're only going to change one thing a day.

A good explanation.


The article is a good read but it doesn't matter. The problem fatties have is that they have no discipline, or if they have discipline they don't know how to apply that discipline to the concept of not shoving crap down their throats. Even if they lost weight by fooling themselves and being sneaky about it they would gain it back as soon as life got a little bit difficult. Part of the diet ritual is eating less food. The more important part is exercising that discipline muscle. When discipline is strong the opportunity cost in discipline of not gorging yourself when you are sad is inconsequential compared to your discipline reserve.

And fatties need discipline much more than they need to lose weight.
 
2012-05-23 04:01:39 PM

Cyno01: What, the ecstasy thing didnt tip you off that the rest might be bullshiat too? Thats why DARE doesnt work, why wouldnt other health information from a faulty source be suspect?


I went to war with my college health teacher about ecstasy. I had reams of printed sources from the whole spectrum, articles about the Partnership for Drug Free America scandal (you know, photoshopping brains), everything. When we finally got to it she blew past it saying "it rots holes in your brain."
I also went to war with her because she advocated vegetarianism.

Apparently the other students came to class just to see me fight with her..
 
2012-05-24 03:11:51 PM
foxyshadis:Terrible Old Man: 4. Avoid artificial sweeteners. The words 'diet' and 'sugar free' don't mean 'will help lose weight,' but the exact opposite. If you're eating moderately and exercising and not losing weight right now, it's most likely because of artificial sweeteners.

The whole insulin response theory of artificial sweeteners is wishful science - an unproven hypothesis that gets bandied about as fact, when sucralose and aspartame are known to be metabolized the same as any fiber, and saccarin and stevia mostly are, causing a response significantly less than the equivalent sucrose or HFCS dose. Saying "don't have diet sweets!" is a moral judgment, not a scientific one; at best it may keep someone from turning to sugary sweets when no sugar-free ones are around.

Speaking from personal experience, no, it isn't wishful science at all. I used to drink diet soda and eat 'sugar-free' sweets habitually when i first started and I did not see a single ounce of weight loss while dieting and excercising my first month. As soon as I cut it out, the stuff was melting off. There's no morality in eating sweets, real or imagined. Like everything else it's moderation. The fake shiat screws you up and half the fat folks out there eat ok, excercise enough, but chug diet coke or whatever and never get anywhere. Heck, if you have a habitual diet soda habit, just quitting it will cause you to piss out 20 lbs in a few weeks (as I did).
 
2012-05-25 03:11:50 AM

Ringshadow: Cyno01:

Apparently the other students came to class just to see me fight with her..


I had a similar experience but with certain other students, in Public Speaking. Had a good 9-10 years life experience beyond theirs and no fear of calling them on their bullshiat made for a lot of fun in class. I expect when I go back this fall it'll be even more fun.
 
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